you know, its always good to have a few radical feminists (radfems) in your sphere of influence. they make great drinking buddies because they love to buy rounds, they always have many pairs of glasses with angular frames, they always seem to rock belt-less jeans with pockets full of trader joe’s coupons, and, after 13 a few jack and cokes, they’re usually pretty good in the sack. in fact, if i had to choose, my optimum 20 person crew would include at least two radical feminists of equal stature, just so that they could serve as go-to weekend human crutches (when you wrap each arm around a friend while leaving the bar and too drunk to walk)
a couple weeks ago, i went out for a drink with my lone remaining radfem buddy, who was mildly upset with her string of (her words) “wack-chunk relationships”. apparently, there’s been a distinct pattern with each of the last 5 or 6 guys she’s dated: initial red-hot intensity (read: “frequent and delirious sex”), followed by the men becoming aggressively nonchalant and losing interest…a literal beginning bang and ending whimper
now, although my radfem bubby is an, ummm, radfem, she possesses all the stereotypical characteristics men typically look for in women (read: she’s pretty banging. i’d even say she’s the best looking white woman i’ve ever been cool with. )…the last person you’d think would have men lose interest, and i was curious to figure out why this was happening.
this curiosity lasted for approximately two minutes, ending soon after i asked her one question:
“how do you typically meet guys?”
her response…
“you know me. if i see someone i like, i pounce”
…told me everything i needed to know.
this, the “aggressive nonchalance” is what typically eventually happens when women approach men, which is why i’ve always maintained that women should never do it.
now, admittedly, most guys would probably say that i’m nuts for saying this, that they wish more women approached instead of just standing patiently in the weeds with their thumbs up their finely coiffed asses, that theres no bigger ego boost than getting propositioned by an attractive and sober woman, and i understand that sentiment, because i feel the exact same way, lol.
thing is, from a relationship standpoint, a woman making the first move usurps one of a man’s most basic duties: to show a woman that he has enough balls to approach her. stripping us of that can give us the (usually true) idea that things will be excessively easy (pun intended and double entendre intended), and strips the women of one of natures inherent bitchassedness filters. the aggressive nonchalance typically occurs because he’s not really that interested…if he was he would have approached her
now, again, I’m not saying women don’t have a part in this. just as it’s our job to approach if we’re interested, its their job to make themselves somewhat approachable if they’re interested. smiling, eye contact, starting conversations, subtly making your relationship status clear, responsive body language fedexing thongs to his cubicle all of this is perfectly within a women’s wheelhouse. walking up to him and saying “hey, i’ve been noticing you for a while and i think you’re sexy. lemme have your number” is not
honestly, and i’m challenging the readers to prove me wrong, i’ve never actually seen it work. yeah, they may have dated a few times and exchanged some seminal fluid for a while, but i’ve never actually heard any first-hand testimony from a long-standing couple who initially met when the woman “bagged” him. not once. again, good people of vsb.com, i’m challenging someone to prove me wrong.
of course, i told my radfem friend all of this, and, of course, she didn’t listen to any of my advice. a few hours later, she actually approached a guy at the bar who she thought looked like a “hotter, younger, and straighter anderson cooper”.
moral of the story: i think i have an alcohol problem
—the champ
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{ 287 comments… read them below or add one }
Well Mr. Champ, I can’t say I’m a radfem but I know quite a few women that fit in this category and I can honestly say that their sadie hawkins approach has NOT resulted in any long term relationships. Let me tell you something, out here in La-La land this is how men EXPECT you to roll (unless they just moved here from Georgia). And since I moved here 5 years ago, I can count the number of men who have approached me for a date…on one hand. A guy friend of mine once told me that since women are the ones who are more ‘selective’ of who they want to get with (sexually/and or romantically) that he would rather not play himself and let the women do all the work. In my own experience the few times I have been the one to express interest in a guy FIRST, it usually fizzles fast.
Seems to me that if I stick to your set of rules then I’m doomed to remain in the homie box until the day the landlord smells the decay of my 90 year old body wafting through the hallway. So I ask you? if the region you live in calls for you to reverse traditional roles, then what? Yeh, that’s what…move back to the East Coast in 2009. peace, i’m out.
east coast rawks!
I heard the same thing about LA. One of my girls moved out there a couple of yrs ago from New York. She always got approached in the city, but since she moved out to LA only 1 guy has asked her out. She said that the women are aggressive out there and the men expect the women to approach them. I went out there earlier this year and agree that the men are different than the East Coast.
“Yeh, that’s what…move back to the East Coast in 2009. peace, i’m out.”
vsb.com: making women move across the country since 1913
I’ve never been to the east coast. I’m a Texas girl. My homegirl’s who’ve visited NY have told me that the guys are madd aggresive. They like it though.
ahhhhh…New York men, fine all day, everyday.
There are no men like New York men. They are aggressive and they got charisma like no one else. The most aggressive men I have seen were in Atlanta but this was back in 2000 and I heard ATL has changed a lot since then. Anyways, they were aggressive like no other.
Paris has the most aggressive men, they don’t even care if you have a man. My boyfriend almost got into fights with some guys there cuz they were blatantly disrespectful.
I can’t stand up North men…they’re arrogant as hell, now they have a sense of entitlement like no other. I like my men with more of a southern gentlemen appeal…that charismatic charm and wit just does to it to ur girl. *swooning*
Southern gentlemen? really? I was born in raised in the south, the only kats that have the gentlemanly appeal are over 50. My Dad’s era and older…:)
Lol…I don’t date men with the “hood” mentalities…most others have been complete gentlemen in every essence of the word.
I used to think the same thing about northern men in general but then I met a couple of CT brothers that proved me wrong. There are good northern men out there, you just have to keep looking. But, the thing that I like about guys up north is that they keep it real.
“Southern gentlemen? really? I was born in raised in the south, the only kats that have the gentlemanly appeal are over 50. My Dad’s era and older…”
Word????…d@mn, what part of the south are you in? I was born and raised in the south also as most of my boys and we were raised to be gentleman…but NEVER doormats.
there are gentlemen everywhere…that’s this superwoman’s kryptonite, fo’true!
@T-LEE…what part of TX you in girl? I am in MICROPHONE CITY (Dallas, TX for you lames)and there are a lot of frogs here, but also a few princes…
@ Goodeness.
I am in the ATX(austin TX).
There is a shortage of Black folks here period, but seriously a shortage of southern gentlemen.
It hasn’t stopped me from looking though! LOL
@ Teacia
I feel ya girl, I don’t do “hood” either.
they are polite when you say you’re not interested too…even the East Coast men that are here in TX are mad cool with, “I’m flattered, but I’ve got my hands full”…in response, you get “well I couldn’t let you pass without at least paying you a compliment, queen, enjoy your day!”…I mean, if I wan’t interested…I might be after that! CHEESE-AND-RICE!
I’m stealing that line…I usually use the “I appreciate the compliment, but I’m not seeking suitors at the moment…thanks again though”…tack on a warm, yet apologetic version of that award winning smile and it’s a wrap…moving right along shall we.
CHECKMATE CHAMP.
heh heh heh.
I’ll have to agree…I’ve had a couple relationships that reminded me of a handful of Pop Rocks,and coincidently I approached him.
“I’ll have to agree…I’ve had a couple relationships that reminded me of a handful of Pop Rocks,and coincidently I approached him”
agreeing with vsb makes life easier for everyone
I like being chased…..it may be old-fashioned, as women are grabbing men’s appendages in public now. However, if I see a guy that I am interested in I will speak or may even walk over and say hi but I will never ask for his number or ask him to go out.
I like for men to initiate first, because if I do it and get into an relationship with them, it’s most likely that I will be making all the decisions instead of as a couple. Men have gotten real lazy nowadays. We have to give birth to their kids, clean the house, cook dinner, etc. Now we have to ask them out?????? I’m sorry but that’s not my job. Also, Men who approach women have confidence, and that’s sexy.
Essentially, it largely depends on the guy. Not every guy is worth approaching…so ya never know there may be some LTR’s that started with the woman “bagging” the man.
“…if I see a guy that I am interested in I will speak or may even walk over and say hi”
this is also perfectly within the wheelhouse
Dude you are wrong about this one and I have nearly 8 years of marriage and plus another 3 and a half years of dating to prove you wrong. Wifey stepped to me and while it did give me a little power (maybe more perceived than real) it made our courtship less stressful because I knew she was into me. I also have a female friend that stepped to her fiance they are about 6 years in the game
I’ll also ad this tidbit you need to step to the right dude at the right time. “Pouncing” at the club won’t work because cats are just looking to smash, but in a more laid back environment it works.
*signing on the dotted line*
i’m glad to hear about the success stories of both you and your friend, but i’d maintain that you all are anomalies…exceptions to the rule.
now, when your wife stepped to you, did she just step and spark a conversation, or did she do the meat of the work (getting your number, making the first call, setting the first date, etc, etc)?
theres a definite difference between the two
“theres a definite difference between the two”
Noted. Either way she made the first move. She saw what she wanted and went for it.
Riddle me this, if the man steps up and sparks the convo but the woman gets the math, calls and sets the date isn’t that the same thing?
Nope, because if a man sparks the convo and doesn’t request the info then he wasn’t impressed. You’ve already given him the green light and if he’s standing still he’s not interested in crossing…he’d rather wait for the next light.
After that you’re just forcing yourself on him and nothing good can come from that.
Or maybe she just doesn’t give out her number?
There are people that still do that
Well then he would still have to ask for hers, she politely declines and asks for his instead. I personally still disagree with this approach b/c then the relationship and courting falls back into your lap. A man has to pick up the phone first in order to keep picking it…habit, it’s as simple as that.
That’s some BS from a man who is trying to turn it around so he doesn’t have to pursue. He gives her his number and if she’s stupid or extra pressed, she will take it, do all the calling and all the leg work. Then after she’s put in the work, it’ll still end up as a smash and run because only ONE person invested in the ‘relationship’. In order for things to be successful, both people have to invest. He invests by doing the gentlemanly pursuit. She invest by responding favorably and giving him the go-ahead at various points. Power structure stays even. they end up with grandkids and in matching burial plots! The end.
(getting your number, making the first call, setting the first date, etc, etc)
Now this ^^^^^…is a bit much for a woman to have to do. That’s overboard…any dude that’s waiting on a female to do all this needs to grow a pair.
LMAO!!!!! WORD!
@ AkShone…any dude that LETS the woman do all this…isn’t really feeling her!
Women love to be chased but these days some men act so arrogant that we have to take the initiative, especially in LA. Usually I don’t try to pick up guys at a club because the environment isn’t a place where I want to start a relationship. However if I see a guy that I find interesting, I have no problem with approaching him. I figure life is short and the worst case scenario is that he says no. My preference is if the guy initiates contact with me. I’ve tried subtle ways to let a guy know I’m interested by smiling or making eye contact and holding it. Sometimes women do need to step back and learn the art of seduction. : )
“Women love to be chased but these days some men act so arrogant that we have to take the initiative, especially in LA.”
Chances are if he’s too arrogant to approach you then he will be the same in the “relationship.” Who wants a man who thinks more highly of themself than their woman…naw, yall can have that.
I was out in LA for a week, and we went out 3 nights while I was there…each time someone approached me. Men know what they want, and when they see it their humbled to a certain extent and do will just about anything to get it.
Who wants a man who thinks more highly of themself than their woman…naw, yall can have that.
Teesh that dude is called a pimp.
man, no one has called me Teesh since like forever…lol…i loves it!
On GP alone, I think it’s best for the man to make the first move.
Liz I am in total agreement with you. However like someone else pointed out, we need to at least look receptive to being approached
Yeah, I agree. Do as much as you can to seem approachable, or don’t be mad he didn’t put the moves on lol.
I think the problem is statistics…statistics have brainwashed women into feeling that they must make a move or they will end up alone. This our course leads to desperation and women lowering their expectations just to have someone they can call their own. It goes against the nature of things, if a man is interested he will work up the nerve to approach you, it’s an simple as that. Now I do agree that there are signals you have to give once a guy makes eye contact to make him feel comfortable about the approach.
I have a friend who never gets approached and mind you she’s absolutely beautiful, but she NEVER makes eye contact at any guy when we’re out. She never smiles when someone speaks, and she’s a nice girl but she’s obviously afraid to show any interest…i’m assuming it’s out of fear of rejection…again she’s beautiful. The only time she feels bold is when she’s liquored up and no decent man will be attracted to that.
Anyhow, I don’t think women should approach men PERIOD! I don’t know anyone who has a successful relationship who has approached the man first, well except for one actually, and he’s a pushover and likes to be bossed around. So I guess in that instance it works(until he gets fed up and takes back his manhood).
“I have a friend who never gets approached and mind you she’s absolutely beautiful”
is she “woman” beautiful or “man” beautiful?
“man” beautiful = boneable
she’s actually women beautiful, about 5’9 light skinned pretty teeth, in medical school, no drama or stretch marks..lol, beautiful.
I’m mad you included “light skinned” like it was an attractive quality, LOL.
But to Black men, I guess it is. ZING!
she’s in Miami…light skinned is a criteria down there…lol, sad but true.
Yeah, I was looking for “long hair” after the “light-skinned” description, ready to roll my eyes…
she does have long hair though…i’m a dark skinned chic and i know how it works down here in the south, men love me b/c i’m on the darker end of the spectrum and they love her b/c she’s on the lighter end…it’s the sister’s in the middle that i feel are overlooked for no reason.
Booo!!! Stretch marks are beautiful.
GO Team Chunk!
I ain’t hating on stretch marks…it was my eloquent way of saying no kids, lol.
the difference between man beautiful and woman beautiful is, is she someone actual men actually said was beautiful, or do women think that men should think that she’s beautiful, lol
men thinks she’s beautiful but she’s so afraid to give guys the signals to approach her…and she’s a sweetheart, one of the nicest people i know…much nicer than i’ll ever be but still no man and no prospect.
i’m mad you said ‘no stretch marks’ LOL!
Teacia, I had a friend like that too, and I can understand why your friend isn’t giving off the ‘receptive vibe’. I think the real question is WHERE are we meeting these eligible men??? If I think hard I can recall various times that I’ve been approached purely for conversation now that I think of it. I always make eye contact (even if i’m shy), i smile like a schoolgirl (esp. if he’s fine). I always think “i think we’re vibing here…oh he likes the same things i do” and then…bam! homie box! I think I’m meeting men who are at different stages in their lives…typically the ‘I ONLY want a ‘bootie call’ stage. When I don’t give off that signal I become homegirl. The end result…I have male friends coming out of my a$$. (bad imagery)
I don’t know, I have 4 suitors right now and they’re all interested in long term and I met them in various places, stop light, car wash, library, and a club.
I’m forever meeting men and I’m never considered a homegirl…I wish a nigga would..lol. But no, I think maybe it’s because I have no expectations that it’s easier for me. I don’t sweat and they can smell it, which gives them a sense of urgency to lock me down…6 engagements later I’m still roaming free.
You are a true Pimpstress! Keep makin’ it do what it do!
“6 engagements later I’m still roaming free.”
6 engagements? are you serious?
Yep, 7 men, 6 rings, 4 wedding dates and 1 unofficial engagement that I don’t count b/c there was no ring, meaning no true intent.
They were most grand gestures in public places after 6 or so months, so I had to say yes so that they could save face. Note: Do not propose to a girl during Thanksgiving dinner in front of YOUR family…she will say yes but may not mean it. My friends think I’m crazy, only one of them I regret let slip away…he was good to me and for me, but I was young…we live and learn.
It’s nothing that I’m proud of, it’s just what it is ya know.
*Using my Dave Chappelle face*
…D@mn!!!
You got rings like Mike Jordan…
Dayum dawg!!!
Can this sista just get ONE engagement? LOL
It’s what a man does after he proposes to you that counts…if all of a sudden new info surfaces, or the lies begin, the late night phone calls, the sudden excuses…yeah then it’s a wrap.
Getting engaged is nothing to get all hyped up about unless the respect and love is mutual on all levels. Men see me as a challenge, something to conquer, and once they do they lose their damn minds…all except for one…again that was my fuck up.
It does not matter who makes the first move. It’s about place and timing. If two people are attracted to each other and after getting to know one another finds a mutual deeper attraction (beyond the physical appearance & bedroom)….it truly does not matter who approached who. Just my $0.03 cents.
“It does not matter who makes the first move. It’s about place and timing. If two people are attracted to each other and after getting to know one another finds a mutual deeper attraction (beyond the physical appearance & bedroom)….it truly does not matter who approached who. Just my $0.03 cents.”
you have a point…in theory. i’d like to believe that it doesnt matter, but history and research has shown us that it does
nah FRECKS…I love you like a play cousin girl, but that ish matters!
I’m in agreeance with Ms. Freckles. Just because the guy approaches doesn’t mean that everything will be all gravy. Afterall, guys approach gals on the regular and get shot down. And correct me if I’m wrong but wasn’t it Eve who made the first move on Adam in seducing him take take part in the forbidden fruit?
“Afterall, guys approach gals on the regular and get shot down.”
this is true…but its just something we hafta deal with and move past
I am a feminist, even though I don’t own a single pair of jeans (or pants, for that manner) and I am still very girly. LOL @ your description.
Anyway, I constantly toe the line on this issue. I don’t like approaching guys, as there is no guarantee he is interested. I know men have to step to uninterested women all the time, but this is where I just benefit from the privilige of traditional gender roles. However, I will approach a fella from time to time (I’m usually drinking) if I find him to be particularly irresistable.
I’m not aggressive in my approach. I will 9 times out of 10 lie and pretend that I “recognize” him from somewhere and ask if he’s from Chicago, went to HU, works out at my gym, etc. If he seems receptive while we “figure out where we know each other from”, then I will let the conversation flow naturally and best case scenario, he will ask me for my number or if need be, I will just say “well, here’s my card, hit me up sometime for xyz reason”. If he doesn’t seem interested, my mental wrap-it-up box kicks in and I will say “well, it was nice meeting you!” and keep it moving. I have known a few folks who have had success with the woman being the aggressor, but I really rather not have to be.
“I am a feminist”
i have a completely off-topic question. what does being a feminist mean to you?
That I believe that women and men are equal, even if we are different. That I challenge the notion put forth by society and many religions that women are the weaker sex. I have an anti-patriarchy state of mind. That I address and attack the misogyny that plagues this country and ESPECIALLY the Black masses….
“That I believe that women and men are equal, even if we are different. That I challenge the notion put forth by society and many religions that women are the weaker sex. I have an anti-patriarchy state of mind. That I address and attack the misogyny that plagues this country and ESPECIALLY the Black masses….”
ok.
Sister Soldier herself who I presume is the inspiration for your handle Sister Toldya suggests that a black man has reason to slap his black woman when she plays outta position.
generally speaking isn’t a woman physically weaker than a man?
observation; a woman wants to be treated equal only when its convienent. …like Champs homey comedian Bill Burr says not when its time to abandon the sinking ship or when its time to negotiate for hostages and thats why we get the dollar more a f-ing hour.
…but i gues i’ll let you get back to cutting down that tree in the yard and drag it to the curb for the city to pick up.
This whole thread made me sad….slap a black woman when she plays out of position?
Women are physically weaker than men?
Dresses vs. pants?
Sigh.
Sister Soulja….yeah, she and I are very different.
Weaker physically? Often, yes. Weaker mentally or intellectually? Not hardly. In fact often times, just the opposite. I would have thought that you, of all people, would have understood that right away. And I said “equal, even if different”. Meaning if I bring mine and you bring yours, we got what we need. I don’t demand equality when it’s convienient, but when it is appropriate.
…slap a black woman. Sister Souljah’s writings did describe something of that nature and im just using it to bust Sister Toldyas femenist hump. stimulate some dialogue. but i see aint nobody touching this.
i have a special place in my hard for women in dreses and skirts. i like pants too. i just think the dreses and skirts does more for femeninity which i happen to adore.
women are physically weaker than men? yes generally speaking thats a fact, but so what.
“suggests that a black man has reason to slap his black woman when she plays outta position.”
was that sister souljah or shaharazad ali? i know i probably didn’t spell that right either.
i apologize everyone. Tiffany is absoloutely right. It was Shaharrazad Ali that condoned smacking a sister sometimes when she plays outta position. pardon me, Sister Toldya. respect.
i like women in pants but i love women in dresses or skirts it’s soooo femenine. i love femeninity. wondermous. PEOPLE (men and women) have innate ways of letting each other know if they like or dislike something whether its overt or covert. it doesn’t take all day to recognize sunshine neither. i like for a woman to be subtle, in her approach a wee bit thrown in the presence of a king (potentially desireable male suitor). the king of the jungle (in my opinion) will sometimes ferociously devour his food on the spot and many times play with his food before he eats never being attached to the outcome for he without a doubt, when he’s ready, break bread. (metaphorically speaking) in my eyes its not so much what a woman does (ask for ur number, initiate convo, aproach…)but how she does it and where she does what she does. in the animal world some females groom their male interest. (respect, submission etc.) now im not suggesting you do this in the club while looking at him but visualize it mentally when not looking at him, eyes open. (in the spot) and see if there’s telepathy. a slight brush or touch communicates very well ur favor, when in contrast, others dont get quite the same treatment. i’ve had women brush up against me and then turn and look while keeping it moving. it spoke in volumes. i’ve also had them approach and have a very non descript social convo and slip their card in my coat jacket, then retreat. couple of these ladies are my dear friends to this day. im not sure if this qualifies as the longevity most women who are posting are looking are refering to but ahhhhh……
in todays world ladies, if you have self limiting beliefs about how you should approach anything you will restrict your own choices. (especially relationships) just cause it was good enough for granny doesn’t automatically mean its applicable today. men and women get ur flirt on meaning u gotta build anticipation and suprise. mix it up 3 steps forward 1 step back.
as for the stictuitivity in relationships; well we gotta re-define whats really good. two of my favorite qotes is; a successful marriage (successful defined as staying together) can often hinge on living in mutual denial of infidelity and a family can be just as disfunctional where one parent is absent as where they are both present. guess what im saying is; are you going for quality and intensity or longevity. im not sure quality in a relationship is always tantamount with longevity although i admit it does seem to be the desired ideal. i believe that may be a paradox.
” it doesn’t take all day to recognize sunshine neither” CLASSIC COMMON…I think I love you!
I love the fact that you adresses…the dress…I love looking and feeling feminine…however, I am prone to be in a cool ass hip hop oriented tshirt (with the collar cut off so it’s off the shoulder a little), jeans and some nice heels…but I agree…MEN are attracted to WOMEN!
yes luv yes. …and ahhhh stay tuned we get the book club popping soon. now this aint Oprah’s book club. share any ideas you have for the charter etc.
I think some women look lovely in pants, but I hate hate hate pants especially jeans. I haven’t worn pants, beyond working out, since 2003.
I suggest Black Macho And The Myth Of The Superwoman by Michele Wallace. ALL Black people should have to read it.
word. i love to read. maybe you wanna join our fledgeling book club. anyways i do understand but just busting your proverbial “balls” making the point that in atleast 1 aspect nature has it such that generally women are weaker than men and certainly for good reason. i don’t assert that women are weaker mentally. BTW I think Soul on Ice (as cliche as it may sound) should be suggested reading for all. maybe not for you but i think we can agree that there is a double standard for many who are zealots in the femenist movement claim equal across the board but as Bill Burr says not when the ship is sinking or hostages are being negotiated for etc…
I’ve only asked for a guy’s number once. He acted like he was flattered at first, but I really don’t think he was cool with it.He was like “you’re so good with it too, I bet you do this all the time.” He refused to believe that I had never asked a guy for his number before.
Then when I called him subsequently he always had an excuse as to why we couldn’t hang out. After the 3rd phone call (and excuse), I didn’t call back again.
I don’t know if he wasn’t feeling me, or if he was intimidated.
I’m sure it was probably the former.
You live, you learn.
It sounds more like he was insecure.
And why would you choose “him not feeling you” over “him being intimidated by you”?
I don’t like to toot my own horn.
Call me modest.
Maybe he was intimidatd, I just never looked at it like that. I just figured, he wasn’t really interested.
Even intimidation can lead to non interest, men like to feel in control…so if intimidation robs him of that, he will still not be interested.
Modesty is a beautiful quality though, one I can learn from.
Ahh The Champ. I am like the anti-radfem. In theory I hold many very traditional values, while in practice I’ll take out the trash bitching the whole time about how its a “man job.” But, lo, I have approached and “bagged” the man. Now, I will say this – if I approach a man and hit on said man, it is SOLELY because I wanna see him and I naked together and pray he doesn’t have a dumb name like Harold or LaTony.
I approached the kids dad. Almost 15 years later we may not be together (if we had his way we would be all bunned up in the couch in nana’s afghan sippin hot cocoa watching whatever all in love and cuddly, but we aren’t) but there are talks of negotiations on getting back together. But we were together 10 years.
I also approached DJ Jesus Freak, and well we all know how that turned out.
All that to say I agree with you.
The crazy dude doesn’t count because I’m almost sure that the decline in that relationship had everything to do with the fact that he thought you were a demon and nothing to do with the fact that you approached him.
So you approached your children’s father and the relationship lasted for 10 years and again I’m sure that it didn’t end with him saying “I should have known something was wrong when you came on to me.”
I don’t find anything wrong with women approaching men. I mean I do it – but solely for the purpose of bumping uglies.
Kids dad threw me off that some by not giving it up when requested, he turned the tables so to speak.
and you are right, crazy dude just doesn’t count.
“I mean I do it – but solely for the purpose of bumping uglies.”
this is actually pretty efficient. if a woman is just looking for some ass, this is probably the best way to go about doing it
I think I am the radfem. Only remove the glasses, low cut jeans and trader joes coupons and throw in some stilletoes, low cut shirts and really cute handbags. The radfem in me has approached a few guys before. I have sent a drink or left my card with a guy i saw checking me out. And each time it has fizzled out. The older I get I think this may actually being my biggest dating problem. I think men have a hard time seeing me romanitically.
But hell, I enjoy going to the local sports bar to watch the playoffs, and like having a case of beer and wings at the house during football Sundays. I like talking shit while at the spades table. And I really dont care if you have boys time at the crib. Hell I might even ask if you need me to bring by a bottle or sme food.
“I think men have a hard time seeing me romanitically. ”
why do you think this is?
I think it could be because I am not the flowers, candy type of chick. Just seems to contrived. My co-workers will sometimes talk to me have to stop and say ‘damn, I keep forgetting. I have to stop talking to you like you are one of the guys. I am just not used to chicks being this easy to talk to.’
So the long and short of it is..I dunno. Often times the guys I like, tend to but me in the friend zone and the ones I dont like, want me to meet the family and change my damn name.
Thoughts??
“I think it could be because I am not the flowers, candy type of chick. Just seems to contrived”
why does this seem contrived to you?
Just doesnt fit my personality (could be that I still have a lil of that top boy in me). Although I am always appreciative when I get them am the type of chick who can without. It is just so cookie cutter. For me it is really romantic when a dude does something that is tailored to me and not mapped out by hallmark.
Example: A guy I used to date had an addition to some game on PS2. One day we went to Dave & Buster’s and realized I enjoyed playing some game there so he bought me a copy for when we were at his house. He told me, ‘i thought about how much time you spend here and figured you needed a drawer or something, I cleaned out the top one for you’ I opened the drawer and there was my game. I spent the whole weekend in his house playing that dang on game.
I meant–A guy I used to date had an addiction to some game on PS2.
That showed some individualized thought and I like that
oh and is it weird that I am starting to feel like I am at the shrink
“oh and is it weird that I am starting to feel like I am at the shrink”
lol…i just wanted a bit more context, thats all
the girl who’s “one of the guys” typically faces the same dilemna as the guy who’s “in touch with his feminine side”…the rather phenomenon “yeah, they’re cool….but i’d rather keep them as a friend”.
i’m not saying that this has been the case with you, but, from what you’ve told me, this seems likely.
also, what type of guys are you typically attracted to?
Typically he is tall, confident, has independant thoughts and opinions, smart (dammn near nerdy), has a quirky sense of humor is a sports fan and has something he is passionate about.
Also side note, I tend to like big headed guys with big hands. dont ask, I have no iea.
ok.
at the end of the comments, AkShone had a good quote that pretty much explained my feelings about this:
“I’ve noticed when you come off too “homie-buddy-friend” that’s just what you might be interpreted as or that’s what they may think you interpret them as.”
I call bullshit. Any man who can’t deal with a hot woman approaching him has a problem.
There are a lot of shy guys out there and a lot of women who just know what they want. If a chick steps to a dude and he’s not really interested or he’s only looking to hit, he can always say “thanks but no thanks” or just hit and bounce. I’m betting the reason your radfem’s relationship fizzled probably has more to do with their incompatibility than who made the first move.
Basically you’re saying that men are too intimidated by a woman approaching and that the woman should lay low, but look pretty, and WAIT for his testicles to descend. That’s one of the dumbest things I’ve ever heard. No offense.
“There are a lot of shy guys out there and a lot of women who just know what they want.”
There are a lot of shy guys out there, but they get unshy REAL quick when it comes to something they want.
Amen.
This is true all the time except when it’s not.
Did the end of that sentence contradict the beginning…making it a non sentence, yep thought so.
God damn, Deviant…you are one smart mofo, for real!
I actually meant to reply to ur post but instead posted a new one…see below.
“There are a lot of shy guys out there and a lot of women who just know what they want.”
There are a lot of shy guys out there, but they get unshy REAL quick when it comes to something they want.
kiesha said it better than i could
kinda feeling you on this Deevs’ but its the way you do a thing. i personally dont like overly agressive, demanding, dont know when to leave chix. i dont negotiate with terrorists, i dont like pushy women. if longevity is what ur looking for dont try these wit me. its the fastest way to just be a layback.
G.K. – I can understand that. Women don’t like those types of men either. But terrorists aside, If a beautiful woman approached you, and you were feeling her, would her taking the lead be that big of a deal?
all about how a woman takes the lead and when. at the end of the day thats personal tastes and subjective. everybody’s gonna draw the line at at different spot and do the judging themselves. with me, even if you cross the line and i roar and snap at you, if you scamper in retreat and approach again on another level then all may be right with the world. im not looking for a dominatrix. maybe somebody else is.
“If a beautiful woman approached you, and you were feeling her, would her taking the lead be that big of a deal?”
i wanna say no…but, for me, it wdoes. i’m not going to lie…it makes me uncomfortable
“i dont negotiate with terrorists”
LMAO!!!
I don’t negotiate with terrorists…WORD! I tell my son that ALL THE TIME…but I agree…there is a time and place to me “dominant” and making the first move oftentimes isn’t it! It takes away the man’s right to initiation…messes up the natural order of things…he throws, you catch…not vice versa!
ah yes, another lesson learned the hard way.
when you chase, you become the dude’s ego food. he’ll ride it out because he likes being chased for a change. it feels good. then he’ll move on to — or in my case, get back with — another broad.
um, yeah, i’m not a fan of having my feelings hurt.
“um, yeah, i’m not a fan of having my feelings hurt.”
lol…neither are we
A dude like that is an asshole and you approaching him did not make it so.
“If a chick steps to a dude and he’s not really interested or he’s only looking to hit, he can always say “thanks but no thanks” or just hit and bounce.”
…ummm, which leads to the purpose of this post, that in most situations where this occur a relationship is unsustainable.
“Basically you’re saying that men are too intimidated by a woman approaching and that the woman should lay low, but look pretty, and WAIT for his testicles to descend. ”
Yep. It’s the way it’s been done since the beginning of time and it use to work fairly well, it’s all the shift in feminism that has caused a rift in the natural order of things.
“It’s the way it’s been done since the beginning of time and it use to work fairly well…”
Tradition means nothing. People say the same thing about the electoral college.
The Champ’s hypothesis has already been proven false by QCSports and D*Stroy but I’m willing to bet everyone on the board can give more than one example of when a man-first approach has led to a less that sustainable relationship.
“The Champ’s hypothesis has already been proven false by QCSports and D*Stroy”
hmmmm…i wouldn’t say that.
“honestly, and i’m challenging the readers to prove me wrong, i’ve never actually seen it work. yeah, they may have dated a few times and exchanged some seminal fluid for a while, but i’ve never actually heard any first-hand testimony from a long-standing couple who initially met when the woman “bagged” him. not once. again, good people of vsb.com, i’m challenging someone to prove me wrong.”
- These are your words, no? And QCSports and D*Stroy both gave you first-hand testimony that theirs wives approached them, no?
You don’t have to say it but it happened.
i never said that it has never worked…just that i’ve never actually seen it work.
i know there are exceptions to every rule, which is why i use qualifiers like “generally” and “many” instead of “all” or “every” when writing
“The Champ’s hypothesis has already been proven false by QCSports and D*Stroy…”
…there’s an exception to every rule. And I think that tradition has been taken too lightly these days. If it isn’t broken, then why fix it. A man will in EVERY instance go after what he wants…it just doesn’t get an simpler than that. D*Stroy’s wife simply made a statement(which would be considered the go ahead), but what happened next, did she invite him out or did he invite her out…it’s hard for me to believe that she pursued him afterwards.
I pretty sure that saying “This is the man I’m going to marry.” in front of the man you’re referring to counts as being an aggressive move.
you can make an agressive move in a passive way. all about how you do it.
she simply made a statement in passing…a very cute and cunning chic move…nothing agressive about that.
Teacia, you are absolutely right it was more of the greenlight for me to make my move. After telling me we were going to get married she tried to play hard to get.Allowing me to (as B.I.G. said) “lay my game down quite flat.”
After her semi-proposal she began walking away and I chased her down. It went sort of like this…
Me: Whoa, whoa, whoa…where are you running off to? I don’t even know your name. My name is Dorian, it’s a pleasure to meet you. Can I call you sometime?
My Wife: I don’t give out my number.
Me: Well then you should let me take you out sometime…Do you like the theatre?
My Wife: That sounds nice. Well, I work in the writing center… you can stop by tomorrow, if you want.
I think that her approach was pretty aggressive because it was unprovoked. It could very well be labeled as a well executed pickup line.
lol…damn. your wife has some game
LOL! Yeah…she hit me with a one-liner and the next thing you know I’m buying orchestra seat tickets for a play that I can’t afford. what a sucker.
ooooh that was serious game, and u fell hook line and sinker…i got one like that that i’m entertaining now…but mine went a little something like this.
Me: Man that’s a fly ass Blazer game you got there mister…I’m sure my husband will be as well dressed. *wink, smile, walk off* (i’m dying laughing just thinking about that shiznit)
Him: Where are you off to so fast, didn’t even give a brother a chance to say thank you…and compliment you’re future husband’s taste.
Me:You just did in both instances, and I’m off to pick up my car…they’re dangling my keys.
Him:How about this miss lady, what are you doing tonight…do you have dinner plans?
Me:Actually yes but Thursday night is good.(never be available on the spot..EVER)
Him:Ok Thursday it is, how about 8pm…oh wait I don’t have your number.
Me: Nor do have my name cowboy, I’m Teacia and you are…
Him: I’m Kevin(i pass along number). Well then it’s a date, it’s been a pleasure.
Me:The pleasure’s been all mine…(another flash of that smile and i’m out)
End Scene…lol, good times. I just love flirting and meeting new people.
LOL! Teesh…let me find out you are pimpin’ on the low!
*looking for tissues* That’s so beautiful!!!
How familiar are you with the scientific method?
You only need ONE exception to discredit a theory.
Sweetie, this a rule not a method. There happens to be a slight difference between the two.
I see nothing wrong w/ approaching at this point, however, a chick must immediately fall back and make sure the interest is recipricated and that he isn’t just kicking it w/ you b/c he doesn’t have something (or someone) better to do at the moment.
“this, the “aggressive nonchalance” is what typically eventually happens when women approach men, which is why
i’ve always maintained that women should never do it.”
I think this has to do more with whether or not the woman is his type. Cute girl approaches but doesn’t really ‘do it’ for him. Guy thinks, ‘eh, she’s cute so I’ll talk to her’ although he isn’t really interested.
I’ve approached guys but I would never ask for their number…I figure that if he’s interested then he’ll ask, if not oh well!
“I’ve approached guys but I would never ask for their number…I figure that if he’s interested then he’ll ask, if not oh well!”
you know, in hindsight i probably should have made that distinction. theres a difference between approaching and sparking a convo, and approaching, sparking the convo, and asking for the number
I’m with my man QCSPORTS on this one. My wife approached me in college.
The short story is… I had seen her around campus a few times and one day she came up to me with one of her friends and said (to her friend) “this is the man I’m going to marry.” And the rest is history…
You’re officially the exception to the rule!!
Oh wow. Did that scare you?
No, I wasn’t scared at first… just shocked. I had never thought about marriage before. I knew what I was looking for in a girlfriend but I had resigned myself to singlehood because I didn’t think my wife was out there. That day, I spoke to her for about five hours covering all sorts of topics. After this first conversation I knew that she was special and I was going to marry her. It was sort of love at first site…kinda.
I got scared when I realized that I really loved her in a way that was complex, profound, unconditional and transcendant. The best way I can describe it is incestuous… I loved her like she was my blood but with the intensity of lust, infatuation and romance.
The other piece of the equation that was fear-inspiring was that I would eventually be my wife’s first lover. that is a nerve racking responsibility. (at least it was for me)
“I got scared when I realized that I really loved her in a way that was complex, profound, unconditional and transcendant. The best way I can describe it is incestuous… I loved her like she was my blood but with the intensity of lust, infatuation and romance.”
this is beautiful and shit
I second that one.
And she was a virgin *hi-five*
WOW thats soe Oooohh weee shit.
I see you “D”…all poigniant and thought provoking and shit!…making you appreciate the truest connections of romantic affinity…infinitely…and shit like that there!
LMAO! You are really crazy, for real!
“making you appreciate the truest connections of romantic affinity…infinitely”
That^^^^gave me the warmth of a Jill Scott smile…
@D*Stroy…you ain’t know I was a fool…I think this is why I am typically placed in the HOMEGIRL box…think OUTSIDE THE BOX why dontcha?
@AkShone…I am honored I could give you that feeling…reading that gave me that same warmth…
D@mn, D…I think you just wrote the insert for your next anniversary card…and sh*t.
*shutting the door to my office to have a good cry* D*Stroy that is really the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard. I’m posting today’s post on Facebook. My girls have got to see this…”I knows dere was a God.”
Wow!!!
OMG this post got my all teary eyed. That was so beautiful. I’m so happy for you and your wife. I hope to find someone who thinks of me that way. AWWW MAN, why did I read this post!
seriously? I would think a bold statement like that would intimidate a man like hell (especially in college). But anyway ‘Go ‘head D*stroy’ *raising Black power fist* It’s nice to hear a happy ending once in awhile. btw, I hope your wife thoroughly enjoyed her slow jam mix…that was so dope!
LOL! Miss P, I don’t know who enjoyed that slow jam mix more…me or her! And thanks for your kind words.
“I’m with my man QCSPORTS on this one. My wife approached me in college”
anything that happens in college doesnt count, lol. college is a paradox where the general rules and mores of relationships don’t exist
What?!
Shenanigans!!!
lol…its true though. relationship-wise, nothing about college mirrors “real” life
I have to agree to some extent. lol
Mackin’ in college is far easier than mackin’ in “real” life. Nobody has money. everyone is drinking and partying. There’s far less baggage.
dammmmmnnnnn flyness. i know a few success stories like this but i assure you that youall are the minority, in fact the miracle even, aww helll an anomalye even. thats just too good for yourselves. salute.
You might be right on this one. I’m kinda old-fashioned so I’ve never hit on a guy or asked a guy out. I’ve flirted, but I expect the guys to approach me if they’re interested. Some of my girls have, but their relationships didn’t last long.
“but I expect the guys to approach me if they’re interested.”
Which they will do, because they want to see you naked… I think we’re putting too much stock into the actions and not the intentions behind it.
I’ve got to say I agree with the Champ. Call me old-fashioned, but I think a man should approach a woman. It shows that he has genuine interest and as a woman, that’s what you want.
In my experience, if I go out, someone will approach me even if it’s just for conversation. Besides, I like a man that has the balls to come up and initiative something. If you can’t do that, I’d probably end up telling you what to do anyway. Lol
Disclaimer: I am sure there are exceptions to this rule because every situation is different.
For me, it all boils down to what you are looking for…if you are looking for something strictly physical, by all means approach all the men you want. If you are an attractive woman and approach a single man, 9 out of 10 times he’ll probably bite. If he’s married, I’d guess 7 out of 10. The thing is he’ll bite because he wants to hit, not because he’s interested in pursuing a meaningful relationship with you. (Not always, but usually.) He doesn’t have to do a lot of the work…Why…because you have offered to do it for him.
Most of my male friends would say this…If you are an attractive woman, someone will approach you, eventually. If you are not so attractive, you might have to work a bit harder. As the optimistic female, I’d like to follow that will everyone is attractive to someone.
“If he’s married, I’d guess 7 out of 10.”
damn…thats not very high praise of married men
I know…I’m not saying there aren’t faithful married men out there. I’m just saying I get approached by as many married men as single ones.
Yep, it’s my starter response…are you married? Most say yes, others have live in girlfriends.
What is it with guys having girlfriends and being married and still trying to holla?
You have to ask that question…I have a whole list of questions I used to ask. My list is quite funny and includes the question can you claim all of your income on your taxes? lol
I think this should be a future VSB topic…what questions you should ask someone when you meet them or shortly thereafter.
I find that my wedding ring is like a bull’s eye for single black women. They don’t care if I’m married or not. I’ve had women approach me and say..”I’m married too. SO??”
yeah but single women who want something in a relationship isn’t going to approach you. the minute i see a ring, my eye contact wanders elsewhere.
Maybe as a self-respecting woman you don’t want a married man. However plenty of single women are in relationships with married men and are attracted to married men. I think it has to do with the fact that we know how to commit and that someone deemed us good enough to lock down for life. Maybe that’s the allure. I don’t know though.
@ D*Stroy…nah…it’s not the ring…you just must be fine as hell…lol…I know alot of sisters that prefer married men, they don’t have to be as available, can maintain their own lives, and other such fuckery…but I call SHULLBIT on it! get your own damn man…sorry crumb snatching homewreckers… (clearing throat, straightening sundress) I mean…yeah…the wedding ring is like skank-nip…it’s like they can’t help themselves!
Thanks Goodeness, you know how to make a brotha feel GOOD! LMAO! Unfortunately, I don’t think I meet the fine as hell criteria. But 2Degreez is my dawg, she can tell you.
You know I was just thinking that I wish I could put faces with peoples’ posts and names. oh well. Anyway, I enjoyed looking at your photos…you look like a very warm and fun person!
“SKANK-NIP”!!! LOL! Too f-ing funny!!
GDammit im using this; Skank-Nip funny shit. dont worry i ‘ll spell ur name right.
Women flock to D*Stroy. It’s because his blazer game is TIGHT. Word on the street says he’s been rocking them since he was 8 years-old. Kanye and John Legend were both inspired by him.
LOL. I should’ve known you were going to stab me in the back with your sarcasm. This was your one opportunity to redeem yourself for all of the slickery/foolishness you’ve subjected me to…and you blew it. YOU’RE DEAD TO ME!
@D*Stroy…thanks for the “luv”…I have been told I have a knack for making kings feel as such…feel free to name your child after me… lol…I was just going to ask VSB for a post about getting to know our NEW friends…including pics and surveys and such…it would fun…at least in my (copletely unsolicited) opinion…
@GENIUS…that’s right daddy parenthetical citations are your friend… (looking @ Champ..what no tshirt for SKANK-NIP???)
@2DEGREEZ…you are damn fool….this knee grow said his “BLAZER GAME”!! I am too through..throw in some locs, some spoken word, and some ILL body art…and it’s DRAWLS for the king…
D*STROY!!! I’m hurt. I was not being sarcastic in the least. OK, maybe a little. Seriously though, D*Stroy is a good lookin’ brotha.
LOL! Too late, 2D…Who is supposed to believe that now!? It’s clear you are just trying to regain my trust.
All you had to say was “D*Stroy looks exactly like Dwayne Cleophus Wayne.” These chicks love him…AND YOU KNOW THAT!
“I was just going to ask VSB for a post about getting to know our NEW friends…including pics and surveys and such…it would fun…at least in my (copletely unsolicited) opinion”
thats one of the reasons why we’ve created facebook and myspace pages for the site, so the our visitors can network (read: “hook-up”) and shit
LOL!!!! I’m ashamed of myself. Hopefully, I’ll get another chance, D*Stroy. You know you’re right…the ladies in here are always on Dwayne Wayne’s (AKA Chimpunk) jock.
@ D*Stroy…wow…I should make you some prune cobbler on GP then…(note to wife…not a hoochie move…I repeat NOT A HOOCHIE MOVE)
@2D…I wish you had said he was UGLY…my theory was that only UGLY men type beautiful shit about loving their wives…HANDSOME men, don’t…why? because they’re HANDSOME, duh! so you have in fact, squashed my theory…thanks…
Ima need yall not to be stealing my “blazer game” snippet and clowning it…lol, for real though!
“I’ve had women approach me and say..”I’m married too. SO??””
this nearly made me choke on my cheese fries and apple juice
Yep, that’s the sh*t that gets people killed.
you always chokin’ on something Champ! Something wrong with your gag reflex???
NO!!!!!!! I mean no offense, but if a guy is married it’s like he has cooties. That’s not even a turn on for me…and I’m sad to hear that so many SBF have approached you in that manner. That’s just disrespectful. Why would a woman want to get with a married guy, no seriously, why???
“I mean no offense, but if a guy is married it’s like he has cooties”
No, it’s cool. I understand that you are just expressing that you feel like married men are akin to lepers and should be isolated and/or killed on sight as to not infect the rest of the population. No offense taken.
LOL!!! you clearly want to get me fired. I should make the IT guys at my job block this site so that I can get some work done. I can’t stop laughing. Seriously, it’s just that married men are MARRIED they have a WOMAN who in my NC-17 Disney world fantasy mind gives IT to them on the regular and usually…unprotected. Oh snap, that didn’t even sound right…not that wives have cooties. ah dangit… *pulling foot out of mouth*
ok Queen. yu said; It shows that he has genuine interest and as a woman, that’s what you want.
well what shows a man that a woman has a genuine interest. what? we don’t want that? …or is it a matter of who should show first? do tell.
“well what shows a man that a woman has a genuine interest. what? we don’t want that?”
When I was on the market, I definitely made eye contact if I was interested in a dude (in a non-stalkerish way). Generally, if a woman is making prolonged eye contact with you and smiling, she’s interested. She could also be laughing at you or think you’ve dated one of her friends. I also found ways to make myself available to be approached meaning I was not in a huddle of women/dudes the entire time.
Are these always accurate ways to detect genuine interest? Yes, but they don’t automatically signify romantic interest. Here’s why…
I’m not single anymore, but I almost always do the these things whenever I’m out in public. I generally make eye contact with men and women (unless they are butt ugly or bammas or old players.) I talk to people. I smile a lot. I’m happy to be here. Clearly that confuses men because dudes still approach me like I’m wearing a shirt that say, “free azz, form a line here.” Lol
Genius, it’s totally ok for a man to want genuine interest from a woman if that’s what he’s looking for. I mean who doesn’t want genuine interest? I just believe that regardless of what non-verbal communication is exchanged prior to an actual approach (short of crotch grabs and breast caressing), the man should make the initial approach.
ummmm.
I agree with Champ. I’m old-fashioned, so I’m not big on approaching men. I’ve always felt that while men are amused and flattered by women who approach them, they rarely take those women seriously.
On the flipside, I understand why women are aggressive with men. It’s annoying when a guy obviously wants to talk to you but is too timid or arrogant to go for it (I notice this a lot in Pittsburgh). Some women get tired of waiting so they take matters into their own hands.
“I notice this a lot in Pittsburgh”
watch your mouth
I was born and raised here. I can say whatever I want.
ok. I’ll let it slide…this time
And if there’s a next time…
“And if there’s a next time…”
lol…i see someone took their bold pills this morning
“It’s annoying when a guy obviously wants to talk to you but is too timid or arrogant to go for it.”
But aren’t you just giving him an excuse by saying he’s timid or arrogant. Maybe he likes looking at women but has no interest in doing anything else. It’s VERY possible. If he wants the woman, he will approach her. Any man who is too timid to do so is wack and would probably ask to wear your panites.
You have a point, but I wouldn’t say that a guy is wack because he’s timid. I know plenty of good guys who don’t approach a lot of women in bars or clubs b/c they aren’t sure what to say. Plus you never know what kind of potential hot mess you could be dealing with. They usually end up dating women they see regularly (school, work, professional org, mutual friends, etc.) because it’s safer.
And in those settings, they should still approach. Timid gets you nowhere in this world but slaughtered. I don’t want a damn lamb as the head of my household.
True, a lamb shoudn’t be running a household. But just because a man is shy/timid in one area of life doesn’t mean he is in the rest. Not to mention, when a man runs up on you (no matter how respectful) he is not thinking about being the head of your house. He’s thinking about getting head in your house.
@2Degreez: Game. Set. Match!!! LMAO!!!!!!!!!!
although i agree with what the hostess is saying…
“when a man runs up on you (no matter how respectful) he is not thinking about being the head of your house. He’s thinking about getting head in your house.”
…this is still a great line
LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is the funniest sh*t in the universe!
Not the whole entire universe…lol, wow.
“when a man runs up on you (no matter how respectful) he is not thinking about being the head of your house. He’s thinking about getting head in your house.”
ya’ll are KILLING me over here! the REALEST shit typed today award goes to….(drum roll please) 2 DEGREEZ!
LOL! Thanks, GOODENess.
True dat. Cus I have never met a man who said cat-dog-smell to me because I look smart. LOL However, when it’s all said and done, that moth ball in the corner who is scared to speak will be that same dude will expect that woman to wear the pants if/when it does get to being a full relationship. I don’t shave my damned legs to wear pants. Naw.
Plus, I think this whole initimation factor is some crap women made up to justify why the men they want aren’t stepping to them. Then men went and bought into it AND got lazy cus these silly women have started pursuing like one of the zombies on 28 Days Later.
“I know plenty of good guys who don’t approach a lot of women in bars or clubs b/c they aren’t sure what to say. ”
Exactly. So the woman making the first move might give him some idea of how to keep the vibe going and make the magic happen…
I agree. I think we should define the word “approach” because I don’t think making the 1st “move” is necessarily an approach.
For instance, if I smile and give a guy a slight wave, techinically I made the 1st move to let him know it’s OK to approach.
wait…are you saying Pittsburgh got all LA after I graduated. What a disappointment…when I lived there it wasn’t like that. Somebody needs to talk to these young men…
I could be wrong. I recently moved back to Pittsburgh after being gone for almost 10 years. I should probably give it more time.
really? where from? I left there a long time ago too (14 yrs)…I’m curious to know how the transition is for you socially.
I lived in Tallahassee for 4 years and then New York for almost 6. It’s been a little difficult adjusting socially because young black professionals do not have a strong presence in this city.
interesting…i’ll be there for a convention next week. It’s probably going to blow my mind interacting socially as an ADULT there. Nevertheless, I’m excited to see what it has to offer now that i’m a ‘grown up’.
“young black professionals do not have a strong presence in this city”
you know, this is a shame because there are definitely enough of us here to have one, its just that alot of us spend too much time complaining about it not being atlanta.
Champ, you’re right. What do you think it will take to make Pittsburgh a more desireable city for young blacks?
Atlanta? booooooooooooooooooo!!! *ducking to avoid gun shots*
Well you could start by changing its name from Pittsburgh to Manhattan…then move it to the metropolitan area. just a suggestion.
“What do you think it will take to make Pittsburgh a more desireable city for young blacks?”
in this case, perception is reality, and we can change the perception by unifying and not shitting on the burgh every opportunity we get.
i mean, the only way anybody will know that you have a voice is to actually open your mouth. for many of us, we only open it to complain
“Well you could start by changing its name from Pittsburgh to Manhattan…then move it to the metropolitan area.”
bastard
“Well you could start by changing its name from Pittsburgh to Manhattan…then move it to the metropolitan area.”
yeh, Bastard! Only Burgh natives can sh*t on the Burgh
It’s all about the approach. My guy friends like it when a woman talks to them and it takes off pressure on them. Most dudes won’t like it if a woman approaches all aggressively like a guy and “pounces” on them cuz that’s a turn-off. They like it in a more subtle flirtatious way. It also depends on where you meet a guy. You gotta have a different approach for a club versus let’s say a coffee shop or something like that.
“My guy friends like it when a woman talks to them and it takes off pressure on them.”
of course they do. every guy loves it, myself included. thats not the point, though
ADVANTAGE Nikki.
Intelligence is the ability to make finer distinctions, to know the subtle differences
between things.
FINALLY…my new profile comment. I’ve been looking for something, light and intelligent yet profound that I hadn’t already used.
Thanks Genius!(which is usually said in sarcasm)
glad im giving/reminding you something you can FEEL Teeesh. genius khan was a name my best friend gave me and i assure you he doesn’t spend his words flattering me. it was more like keep ur eyes open this nicca is slick.
We can all see that!
I didn’t read the other comments but, you are spot on! I had an incident this weekend where one of my girls got mad because two of us told her, after a few drinks, that she played herself by pursuing these men who obviously don’t want her. Her ass is volunteering. Who turns down thelp from a volunteer?
To answer your question, I have never seen this work unless the man is a bitchass. In those cases, the woman wears the pants and he’s ok with it.
“To answer your question, I have never seen this work unless the man is a bitchass”
lol, dont hold back so much the next time you come back. dont be scared to tell us how you really feel
LOL! Thanks, Hostess…please scroll up to one of my earlier comments, so you can see why your comment cut me so deep.
Consider this a suicide letter. Farewell.
I’m actually a little split on this issue. I think it’s all in the approach also…because there is a difference between a woman that comes off confident and friendly versus a woman that comes off desperate and slutty.
Let’s face it, we (men) get shot down all the time and sometimes women can be brutal with their turndowns (oh, I have a few stories), so it can be refreshing when a woman initiates some form of interest. I think the key word here is approachability, because there have been many women that I may have been very interested in, but they really didn’t come off that approachable and maybe from an internal standpoint they were, but it didn’t come off that way. There is no greater letdown than scoping a woman that seems like she’s nice and friendly and you build up the nerve to go start up a conversation with her and she has a f*cked up attitude or some sarcastic statement to entertain those within earshot.
I don’t really agree with whoever approaches dictates the dynamics of the relationship. It’s too many dynamics between the two people to be able to attribute that to the initial approach. If a dude is weak…he just weak, he might have just got up enough courage to approach the woman, but does that make him strong just because of that one instance? If a woman did the same does that make her a “nutcracker” or just a woman who had an opportunity to possibly meet someone she was interested in?
“I don’t really agree with whoever approaches dictates the dynamics of the relationship. It’s too many dynamics between the two people to be able to attribute that to the initial approach.”
- And there it is. Akshone hit the nail on the head. There’s too much that goes on in a relationship to say that who-approached-who has anything to do with how it ends up.
Agreed. Well done brother Akshone.
“confident and friendly versus a woman that comes off desperate and slutty”
therein lies the dilemma…some women think those two approaches are synonymous…(shrugging)
I call this the little black dress dilemma:
Two women wearing the same black dress, one looks classy and one looks slutty…interpretation can be diceptive.
(I wish I could insert pics into my comments) VERY INSIGHTFUL!!! I am feeling that parallel…WELL DONE…
“I wish I could insert pics into my comments”
this is coming soon
just say NO!
@Miss P…just say no to what? I have a funny picture I found online that illustrates the “black dress dilemma” that would have gone PERFECT right there…lol…
ladies join my book club…
where do we sign up?
stay tuned. meanwhile make suggestions this was an off the cuff idea that i’ve been wanting to employ. i like the current diverse mentalities and i figured here would be a great start. observation; this demnstrates how to flirt with people of the opposite sex in 5 words or less subtley and non-threatening. no but for real though lets get our read on and our inhibitions off and so forth….
love ya Teesh.
But no, I think maybe it’s because I have no expectations that it’s easier for me. I don’t sweat and they can smell it, which gives them a sense of urgency to lock me down…6 engagements later I’m still roaming free.
Law of detachment in full stride.
yeah i got that detachment sh*t down…it keeps the men flowing in. now if only i could actually committ…that’s my goal for 2008, to crown a winner amongst my suitors by the end of the summer.
I’m not tryin to be all in your business or anything, but 6 engagements? I’m guessing you know a thing or two about love. I just have to ask…did you buy 6 different rings or keep recycling?
6 different men so 6 different rings…don’t worry fellas I gave them ALL back.
@GENIUS…I want to sign up for the book club too…
@Teacia AKA TEESH! – I got that detachment shit down too…sometimes…I can’t re-attach, even when I want to…it’s a slippery slope, dear Watson!
yeah lets do this. share any ideas you got and stay tuned GOODENess.
Wait, did you just plug your book club? lol I love shameless plugs. Usually people try to work them into a comment but you just went right for it. I support you and will join your bookclub.
I like the fact that he targeted the ladies and his pitch was simple.
“ladies join my book club…”
And what was even greater… was the overwhelming responses he received! LOL!
G. Khan for President!
I know quite a few cases of women making the first move and things still turning out OK. I love aggressive women. If you see something you want then go for it, why waste time waiting for something to happen. This should apply to both men and women. The only issue is that its rarely the cute girls being aggressive, its the one you and your boys were clowning on the whole night who wants to get with you.
Ha! It goes the other way too. It’s usually the good-looking men who are laid back and the less attractive men being the aggressive ones especially the short ones.
Short men get on my nervous with that mess. All up in your breastplate cheesing and shit.
Can someone share some ideas about what makes a woman approachable or unapproachable? (My hypothesis is that standing around in a group of your girls makes it impossible to for a man to approach you….who the hell wants to infiltrate that pack?…)
“My hypothesis is that standing around in a group of your girls makes it impossible to for a man to approach you”
this is very true
Yeah, nobody wants to risk getting shutdown in front of an audience (especially without a wingman).
I respect men who can approach women in groups. That takes a lot of confidence. I’ve been hit when I’m out with the girls but find that I’m approached more if I am on my own.
I’ve been c-blocked by a gang of chicks. These chicks were apparently on a celebratory outing and I caught the eye of one of them. We started dancing together when suddenly the C*ck-blocking Brigade swooped in with such a furious vengeance, that I had no chance at redemption. They whisked her away as if they were the secret service and I was left standing solo on the dance floor.
“Can someone share some ideas about what makes a woman approachable or unapproachable?”
oh, and this is a future vsb.com entry topic as well
A person is approachable based on the vibe that they give off, this is true regardless if male or female. They usually are outgoing, smile, laugh, and give out a more positive vibe. One of my girls gets hit on no matter where she is and she’s not the standard type of beauty, but has a really cool personality and is real funny and guys dig that about her. I talk to a lot of guys that say that they will not approach a woman who’s too attractive and wearing a lot of name brands cuz they think that she will be too high maintenance or stuck-up.
“They usually are outgoing, smile, laugh, and give out a more positive vibe”
*hitting nail squarely on head*
“I talk to a lot of guys that say that they will not approach a woman who’s too attractive and wearing a lot of name brands cuz they think that she will be too high maintenance or stuck-up.”
My brother says this all the time. Especially about women who seem high-maintenance.
Sorry Champ. But I would not have met my wife if she didn’t approach me.
IMO when a woman approaches you it makes things easy at first but the man has to ultimatly have to decide whether he wants to take the lead and do the work necessary to create a relationship.
See it ain’t a relationship until I say it is. Just cause a woman approaches you doesn’t take away your power in fact it gives you power.
“Sorry Champ. But I would not have met my wife if she didn’t approach me.”
you know whats amazimg…every married guy who has responded so far said that his wife made the first move. i’m flabbergasted and flummoxxed and shit.
“Just cause a woman approaches you doesn’t take away your power in fact it gives you power.”
this is my point. most people aren’t equipped to deal with that, the immediate shifting of the relationship leverage, which is one of the reason why i suggested that people shouldn’t even try it
I just hope that Hostess was wrong when she said…
“To answer your question, I have never seen this work unless the man is a bitchass. In those cases, the woman wears the pants and he’s ok with it.”
I think this has some hints of truth in it. My wife definitely wears the pants too. there is no question that I am the man in the relationship but with respect to my house, she is the leader. She makes sure that things function properly and I am growing more comfortable with that. If I want to do something, I first ask her if we have any plans. If she wants the trash taken out or the bathroom cleaned she makes it knownn and I will begrudgingly do it.
The bad part is every married couple I know functions in the same way.
I wonder…does marriage relegate a man to eternal bitchassedness?
Why does this make you a bitch ass? It seems to me that you choose your battles wisely. Why get into a power struggle over the bathroom being cleaned?
Your last sentence sounded straight out of SATC! “I couldn’t help but wonder….”
I don’t feel that way about marriage. It is what you choose to make it.
Seriously if you were living alone and you had a date come over to your house wouldn’t you clean your bathroom??
If the garbage smells funky don’t you think you should take it out?
Just cause you clean the bathroom and take out the garbage doesn’t make you a b*tchass.
What makes a man a b*tch in the relationship is a general fear of his wife or spouse. When you start to become afraid to be who you are and afraid to speak your mind that’s when you become a b*tch in my book.
True. No man should ever be scared to speak in his own home! LOL! That would suck, for real.
“What makes a man a b*tch in the relationship is a general fear of his wife or spouse. When you start to become afraid to be who you are and afraid to speak your mind that’s when you become a b*tch in my book.”
I think the euphemism for this is “steadmanned”
Wow this topic seems to be following me. I wonder if God is tryna tell me something. Anyway. Last week I went to this discussion group which is like vsb, but face-to-face and we were talking about this very thing. My homegirl said there is a way to choose without letting the other person know they have been chosen. I seconded that emotion, because my mother has always said that the woman should choose her mate. My parents have been married 35 years. My mom chose my dad. But then she put out the right signals and let him think he was choosing her. She recognized there was mutual attraction but realized he needed a nudge. I think you can set things into motion, and that may even mean taking that first step. But then you have to pay close attention to how the other person responds. And that is what women want to ignore.
On a somewhat related note, I heard a story about this couple that had been married for 35+ years, and the woman had brought him a rose on their first date. She seemed to be bout it bout it from the beginning. And it seemed to work…
“My homegirl said there is a way to choose without letting the other person know they have been chosen”
good point
How funny that I was thinking of what to say and then I read a comment from my homegirl rum punch? LOL
I don’t see anything wrong with going after what you want. If we were discussing careers or investing, no one would be like “let it choose you”. I have approached men before and the outcome has varied from never hearing from him again to a fairly long courtship-turned lasting friendship. Hasn’t led to marriage just yet…
I do think the approach itself is truly important. I will strike up a conversation and throw in a wide-eyed smile or two… It is up to the brother to take it from there if he so chooses to. I ain’t asking him for info or when I can see him again or any other “pounce” like behavior. That’s doing too much.
226 comments later, I think it’s safe to say that today’s post touched on a very passionate issue…but I still want to know why me and Goodness are the only ones with the HomieBox disease??? What characteristics does a female tend to have who remains a ‘friend’ and only a friend. Care to shed some light fellas?
p.s.- I vote against pictures. I think it would turn this site into the next Black Planet or something far worse, just my opinion.
ahh…I get it now…I asked in an earlier comment…lol…but I meant pictures to further illustrate a point, like emoticons do…I have a CRAZY FUN picture of a the “Little Black Dress” theory that AkShone was typing about earlier…I agree about pics in comments now that you put it that way…but I like the idea of make putting somebody up as the post itself or something…like an interview on a topic…and then we all bum rum them in comments…(insert Dr. Claw evil laugh here)
The “Homiebox” disease that you refer to isn’t explainable by one definition. It depends on that guys (or girls) set of circumstances.
I’ve noticed when you come off too “homie-buddy-friend” that’s just what you might be interpreted as or that’s what they may think you interpret them as.
You’re voting against pix (lol)…just use a cartoon avatar as your pic if you would like to keep your anonymity.
Good point, I’ll have to think on that one…what do i do that comes off too homie-buddy friend-like? hmmm…
ok, ok so i’ve been known to do the following with guys i like…
-start ‘real conversations’ with them…which i’m beginning to think is a turn-off to men. I might as well pull up a stool, affix my baseball cap and buy them a beer.
-ask them what their major was in college (i’m a f*cking geek)
-use self deprecating humor to relieve sexual tension
-ask them about their sex life (i know, i know)
-joke with their friends/ wingman
-take shots w/ them usu jameson
-introduce them to my harem of attractive girlfriends
The end result…”Miss P, you’re cool as hell dawg. you should come by the crib and hang out. So um you got any girlfriends I can bang?” *looking around like i suddenly just lost my v@gina*
i lied i don’t really ask them about their major…
LMAO!!!!!! “*looking around like i suddenly just lost my v@gina*” hilarious.
Women using self-deprecating humor is often not attractive. It undermines the allusion of confidence–men like confidence. I tend to do this too. I like to appear outwardly humble.
In the initial interaction men like to feel a sexual chemistry not a buddy-bond. We want to objectify a woman but at the same time respect her…if that makes any sense.
I agree with D* here…never self deprecating…there isn’t anything sexy about that.
“-start ‘real conversations’ with them…which i’m beginning to think is a turn-off to men”
despite popular belief men love someone they can just talk to about any and everything, real conversations that show off ur intelligece but in a flattering way to theirs…i know, not always easy but pimpin ain’t easy…lol.
“-introduce them to my harem of attractive girlfriends”
NEVER!!…who needs the extra competition?!?!
Sometimes I even roll solo when going out, it makes you more approachable and make his job of deciding between you and your homegirl much easier when she’s not there.
Try this…seem busy and unavailable a.k.a. a catch and report back in 2 weeks..lol.
But I am confident…confident enough to make fun of myself. Doesn’t that count? Plus like funny guys, hence I’ll attract funny people…no? I hear what you guys are saying but if I don’t make ‘light’ of the situation then I ‘nut up’. Who wants a girl staring at the floor, smiling nervously at that spot just above his lips with her heart beating out of her chest? Lightheadedness and giggles soon follow. D*, don’t you see humor takes the edge off!! Am I wrong? I thought men liked Amy Poehler! no?
You have it all wrong! I agree a woman should not come up to a man and say…“hey, i’ve been noticing you for a while and i think you’re sexy. lemme have your number” This is a LAME ass statement for a man or a woman.
I think it is completely ok for a woman to approach a man and start a conversation. Or even give him a compliment to start the conversation. There is ABSOLUTELY nothing wrong with this and it doesn’t make the man feel less than a man. A compliment makes anyone feel good. By complimenting a man it lets him know you are nice, open, friendly, and can see that he has a little style:-).
When meeting someone of the opposite sex it just CONVERSATION at first. Nothing more nothing less. At the end of the conversation if the man decides to get the womans number then that means he is into her. If he doesn’t then it was just good conversation with a random person.
Women should have no problem approaching men to just talk, they should however go easy on asking the man for his number. If he wants you he will find a way to continue talking to you. I wouldn’t ask a guy for his number if I was intending on dating him. But he was just going to be a homie then I wouldn’t have a problem with it.
Good Post!
THANK YOU for hitting the nail right on the head!
This conversation sounds familiar LOL….wouldn’t do it. WOULD NOT DO IT. I think men LIKE being men (some don’t know it yet). And it allows a man to take the passive route…It would bug the hell out of me to even wonder if he would have approached me had I just cooled my jets.
There are SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO many ways to express interest in a man without even opening your mouth..
(ill read all the comments now)
I haven’t read any of the comments, as I’m at work and need a distraction from molding young minds. But I felt compelled to say this: several long-term ___ships have resulted from my taking the initiative.
Back in my wilder days (about 3 years ago), I would walk up to a hot guy at a bar/party/concert/etc. and whisper in his ear “What would you say if I told you I wanted to fuck you right now?” And from that line, I had a lot of wild times… and several serious relationships.
I found that guys wanted me (initially) because I didn’t have the time or patience to stay longer than it took for me to achieve orgasm. For whatever reason, after more than a year of being together*, a few of em stuck around and asked me to quit my wild ways.
These days, I stay with the track shoes on, even if I’m decidedly more tame…
*We’d have sex, have “real” conversations, meet each others’ friends and family, etc. It was like being in a relationship, only we didn’t label each other and we didn’t have official authority or priority.
soooo i’m a radfem!!! and i’m married to the guy that i approached…
Chuuuuuuuuuuuuuuch Preeeeeeeeach Sancctuuuuarryyy!!!!!!!!
I’m loving this conversation and LMAO at the same time. I’ve been lamenting on this topic and I’m so glad to see that many of you share my opinion. Yes, its just a humble OPINION. I have never been able to shake the feeling that approaching men is wrong and its probably because I prefer a more traditional man-woman dynamic in my relationships.
The kind of men I like want to lead and be in charge. I have met some real sweethearts who are shy and timid, but make no mistake – they will pull it together if they want you!
The reason for my lamenting is that even though I prefer to be in a traditional woman’s role, I do not have a traditional woman’s life. When I meet a kind hearted brother who is very interested, he gets a whiff of my lifestyle and wants to lay back and have me run the show. I’m great at running my own show, but I dont want my relationship to be another project. I’ve found that grown men joyfully pursue, pamper, and prepare you. They know they have to if they really want you.
I think if the woman puts the pants on, men really dont know what to do. I use to think it was bitchassness, now I believe that many men have been so aggressively pursued that their experiences have put them into neutral when it comes to pursuit. They only go after who they REALLY REALLY want and they will let you entetain the hell out of them in the meantime.
Well, I don’t think it is ok to be a radfem, especially if you married the guy you have approached but if your not try and take the easy way out and use your confidence to attract the relationship you deserve. Once you get the guy, don’t ever drop that level of confidence coz that’s what will keep him coming back for more
Ooppssies, I meant to say I think it is ok to be one!!
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