***flashback 20 years***
because he was the only kid in the neighborhood who blackmailed his parents to ensure he had premium cable channels in his bedroom, the young champ’s lair became the go-to friday night spot every other week for a few select 9-12 year old males to watch cinemax after dark, an arrangement that lasted all summer until the champ’s mother caught future murderer tyree “boobie” weens stealing kools out of her purse
they had a system. one of them would stand post near the champ’s bedroom door with an ear to the wall to see if either of his parents were walking back to his room, while the rest huddled around the tube with gi joe’s and transformers in their laps, to quickly “play it off” and hide erections if the champ’s parents happened to slip past the sentinel.
while watching “emmanuelle 17: the prison years” one such night, one of the champ’s more “experienced” (and “experienced” in this case means, “he was 12, and rubbed brandi jenkins’s ass once while playing release the den”) friends stood up, pulled what looked to be a packet of ramen noodle seasoning…
…out of his pocket and remarked:
“yo. next time one of ya’ll little n*ggaz get with a chick like that, make sure you use one of these”
the young champ, who’d never miss an opportunity to snark, quickly remarked…
“what the hell is wrong with your dumb ass? ramen seasoning? you gonna oodle your noodle in her¹ or something? haha!!!”
…but was surprised to see that noone of the other friends were laughing with him. in fact, they all were shaking their heads and rolling their eyes.
“egghead, dont you know what that is???“, one of them replied. he continued before the young champ could had a chance to respond.
“damn, n*gga. don’t tell me you’ve never seen a condom before???”
obviously, the young and extremely naive champ hadn’t². if he had, he probably wouldnt have mistaken a trojan jimmy hat for a packet of top ramen noodle shrimp flavoring.
anyway, although we’re all very, very, very lascivious and smart brothas and sistas, none of us are above the occasional bout of boneheaded blondness
tell me, people of vsb, what are the biggest “DUH!!!” moments you’ve ever had?
—the champ
¹when the young champ said this, he also acted out a strange noodle pantomine, an act which eerily resembled jimmy walker’s snake dance. this just proves that the champ has always been somewhat weird and completely corny
²although, you have to admit, they wrap ramen seasoning and condoms in basically the exact same packaging!!! stop laughing!!! this could have happened to any kid!!!
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{ 400 comments… read them below or add one }
my bff was the female version of you. so young, innocent, and naive. she was soooooo clueless (esp about things relating to s3x) growing up. and yet she managed to “1st” me on every “grown” situation. turns out, though i was very knowing, i’m the prude and she’s the umm–well–veteran in the game. *shrugs* who knew??
@Gem-nasty, I had two duh moments that I can remember…
#1 It was the fourth of July after my 8th grade year and we were all sitting around playing spades when some how the “don’t do drugs” talk came up. I was saying how I would never do drugs (I had a smart mouth but was a good girl) and my mom started asking us (my two sisters and cousins) had we smoked anything. I was confessing because we were talking about drugs and I hadn’t done any so I shared. I said with confidence “I’ve smoked a blunt and cigarettes.” The entire room got silent. My mom was like “Elenda, you do know a blunt is Marijuana?” I just got silent. I had NO FUCK*N CLUE. DUH
#2 I used to read a lot growing up and I stayed asking my mom “what’s this word mean?” This particular day I was reading a regular ole child’s book and came to an unfamiliar word: I asked my mom what does “oral” mean. She told me, it meant having to do with ones mouth and I had an ahah moment. I had heard the term oral sex but never knew the meaning until I was 13. LOL
man, i can’t share my most naive story, if i wasn’t typing i’d be covering my face now just remembering it. i was soooo naive about a lot. i look back and wonder how i aint fall into a manhole (no pun intended).
its weird, i was really naive, but i wasn’t dumb either. anyways, i can’t share my most naive story lol.
@overit,
*takes breath* BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
How the hell you gon tease us like that?
@Luvvie, where’s your story miss luvvie? i wanna know!
@overit, sorry, you signed a vsb contract. therefore, you have to share. if you don’t i’ll take away your VSS privileges. now share!
@Miss Patterson, sharing my stories are akin to cutting each other and swapping blood or some ritualistic ish.
do i really want to be THAT connected to ya’ll?
lool.
@overit, do i really want to be THAT connected to ya’ll?
yes.
@overit, Of course you do. Now spill it!
@Gem-nasty
“i’m the prude and she’s the umm–well–veteran in the game. *shrugs*”
Hilarious! Those naive ones don’t know the game so they get the okey-doke. Never fails. Lol.
you might be on to something LOL
@YaDaddyLikesIt, i love your vsb moniker.
@Miss Patterson, me too, i always roll my neck when i read it.
my vsb game is interactive!
@YaDaddyLikesIt,
Hilarious! Those naive ones don’t know the game so they get the okey-doke. Never fails. Lol.
this is true. a friend of mine once a bagged a chick in high school by telling her he had a lexus in his pants. although this story is only about 40 percent true, the point remains
WARNING: grossness. my first duh moment happened at age 11. the only education i had about the menstrual cycle occurred in science class, but no one tells you what it’s going to look like. i was still caught up on calculating this intricate 28 day cycle. i thought i’d have to keep a calendar in my bookbag for the rest of my life. anyway, it was march 27, and i was watching webster on a friday night. i took a bathroom break during commercials and announced to my mom that i had diarrhea. she believed me. the next day it happened again. this time i was forced to show her. She took one look at me and said “my baby’s not a baby anymore!” yes, folks it was my period. my mom gave me a tampon along with the instructions that come in the box. i locked the door and passed out in the bathtub when it touched me. anyway, that was my introduction to womanhood. we saw a movie after i came to. we decided pads were a safer option for me soon after.
@Miss Patterson, that is TWO embarassing stories i can’t share now. i’m so glad i don’t have these convos with ya’ll face to face, i’da just run lol.
LOL @ your story though, i think every woman has a story about their first time meeting aunt flo.
@overit, meeting aunt flo is scary. one day you’re calendar free and the next day you’re toting a purse with gigantic diapers stuffed in them. purses were never cool at my school, and i was at an all-girls school (go figure). plus, i was one of the first girls in my class with the mysterious purse…it was humiliating.
LOL @ the mysterious purse.
yeah, menses is just a terrible, gross and complete burdensome experience for adolescent girls. my 1st encounter was on my 11th bday while i was with my aunt, uncle and cousin. talk about embarrassing. *smh* i began to hate my uterus on that hot july day…
@Gem-nasty, poor baby…not your birthday! boys have it soooooo easy.
@Gem-nasty,
…menses is just a terrible, gross and complete burdensome experience for adolescent girls.
….and for grown women.
indeed!! if it weren’t for the fact that i need my uterus to conceive children, i’d surgically remove it myself.
@Gem-nasty,
I’m still tryna get a crew 2getha to give Eve a beat down. We gon wear all black, some timbs, and go find her. Who’s in?
@Luvvie,
Uuum, not me. The Lawd Himself formed her from another dudes rib cage???
Yeeeah, not messin wit dat.
@Luvvie,
u know i gotchu. me an Eve finsta have WORDS!
i think i can speak on behalf of all vsb’ers (read: myself) that you could have kept this duh moment behind saks-5th-ave’s closed doors.
please and thanks.
@Gem-nasty, i luv you too gurllll. hahahaha
lol you know i’m just teasin. love you love muffin! *muah muah*
@Gem-nasty, at overit’s request i’m calling for all ‘duh moments’ relating to aunt flo. Come one, come all! Champers will love reading these when he logs on tomorrow.
@Miss Patterson, fine.
gentle readers,below you will find the definition of duh.
so, much like saks 5th ave, the little i knew about menstrual cycles were from health class and my mom saying that she used to miss days of school due to cramping. given these disturbing bits of info, plus my tomboy way of life, i had a “i’ll cross that bridge when i get there” attitude about it, secretly wishing i never had to cross that bridge.
then comes the day after field day (God knew my limits, “becoming a woman” on field day might have led to sharing this story as a man today) and i feel the need to go to the restroom. i ‘m in the bathroom and i see it. just straight posted all up in my lady business (phrase borrowed from saks fif). the infamous period. overjoyed i made my way over to the clinic to get a pad and sh*t.
i walk up to the nurse, dart a quick glance to the waiting area, and whisper “umm, can i have a.. a pad?”
ms. trunchbull gonna reply LOUD as h*ll, “YOU GOT YOUR PERIOD AND YOU WANT A SANITARY NAPKIN, IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE ASKING?”
in 2.5 seconds i had this internal dialogue:
“omg, i cannot believe..omg…why did she…omg, RUN! no you can’t run idiot you need the stuff, who cares about the stuff? why would she embarrass me like that? maybe she’s hearing impaired, who’s in the waiting area? omg, what if kenny is there, really self what are the odds..well knowing your luck he might be. whattodo,whattodo?! maybe you should run, do it now, this is weird. omg, i hate my life! suck it up, get your stuff. you can die some more in the stall”
me: “yeah, that’s what i’m asking”.
ms. trunchbull all nonchalant like she aint just do me wrong ‘here you go dearie, is this your first time?”
me: (thinking all up IN my biznass) “uhh, yeah”
ms. trunchbull and her smug knowing smile: “i thought so, let me know if you have any questions”
me: “i will, thanks” inaudible: for ruining my LIFE!
so i proceed to go to the restroom, put that bulky mess on, and instantly hate my lifespace and being a girl. i come out of the restroom thinking i don’t know how i’m going to make it back to class, let alone thru life with this thing on. i walk by trunchbull and give her a weak smile, more like a grimace and it is evident i’m in pain. trunchbull looks at me oddly and right when i reach the door, she goes “honey, can you come here a sec?”
oh hail to the naw. why she gotta wait until i get to the door?! gritting my teeth, i slowly turn around rolling my eyes 1,000 x before i turn fully rond, take a deep breath and make my way back. i literally am walkin bowlegged and by the time i get to her desk, my ouches were audible.
trunchbull: “did you have any trouble?”
me: not until yo arse called me back for no good reason…”no, i guess everything’s fine, well…this is really painful, i don’t think i can wear it”.
trunchbull: reaches down in the drawer, pulls out another pad, and says “read the instructions, they have pictures too”
yeah…so, why did i put it on..adhesive side UP?
@overit,
yeah…so, why did i put it on..adhesive side UP?
*D-E-A-D* – this is the funniest sh*t i’ve read in at least three months!! oh lawd have mercy that ish must have hurt like a muggerfugger…
@overit,
…I weep for your baby vajayjay.
LOL @ “Trunchbull”…I imagine you as Matilda (w/the ribbon, of course), the dank school grounds and all the unhappy children.
@Resident GRitS, LOL, the kids were only unhappy in the clinic, I always hated the clinic, depressing.
I loooved Matilda’s voice and that little lisp in that movie lol.
@overit,
LMAO. THIS IS THE BEST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
@overit, LMFAO!!!! Just when I thought it couldn’t get any funnier, I read the punch line. THE BEST EVER!!!!! I am so glad you shared.
@overit, _______________
This has got to be THE funniest thing I’ve read today!!! I just burst out laughing at my desk…got my coworkers thinking something is wrong with me…
@overit,
Thank you Lord…for makin mine and outtie!
@overit,
LMAO!!!! That is hilarious….
@overit,
I’m in tears! Thanks for sharing.
dear etwin,
thanks for bringing me to my life’s end. because of you and your story i must go to divine heavens. not even my iron lung could save me from the deadly laughing fit you sent me into. please give my baaaangles and “mixed chicks” products to some one deserving (and needing–curly hair must be tamed and festive).
~gemmie
p.s. aren’t school pads the WORST?!?! all bulky and long for no good reason. not even a sane grown women should be subjected to them. wth??
@Gem-nasty,
“aren’t school pads the WORST?!?! all bulky and long for no good reason.”
Them thangs were like 4 inches thick and rough as 80 grit sandpaper.
They were like medieval torture devices.
@miss t-lee,
LOL which means what?? a MAN invented dem stupid thangs.
@Gem-nasty,
Hahaha…true.
@overit,
this gave me much needed gigglefits…. on the train. had people looking at me like i had plumb lost my mind.
thank you, overity
@overit,
omg, in disbelief about the hilarity of this post!!! (poetry snaps) LMBO @ internal monologue! And omgosh I was just talking to some1 on tuesday about field day, it was the best day of the year, I’m glad to know other schools had it too
@overit,
Literally, wiping the tears from my eyes this was so da@n funny!
@overit,
The old, the new AND the future me is DEAD and GONE! This is Phantom Luvvie speaking b/c CLEARLY, this tale just DID ME IN! bwahahahahahaha
@overit,
WOW! this is like the best evah!!! i bow down!! u poor baby!!!!
@overit, i’m so glad you shared. see? that wasn’t so bad now was it? i’m going to pick myself up off the floor now and ice my lungs after laughing so hard.
@overit,
Precious Jesus hold my hand!!!!
speechless… just speechless…
tears are running down my eyes as I sit at my desk gasping for breath while laughing… you poor dear… bless your heart…
@overit,
yeah…so, why did i put it on..adhesive side UP?
LMFAO!! JESUS BE A JOB, cause I’m gonna lose mine.. I just laughed so hard I’m crying.. damn!!
aww man poor you
@overit, ROTFL that post alone made being at home on a Friday night eating Great Value Honey Roasted peanuts and drinking wine all worth it.
@overit, I’m two months late with this, but I just about flatlined at my desk! Hilarious!
@Miss Patterson, since you insist we tell Flo stories here you go. I was waiting on my Flo. The first day of gym class my 6th grade year, Coach Knolls (big fat black lady with a Jeri Curl) let every girl at CCMS know that they would get their period that year. So as all the chicks around me one by one started getting their periods, I started getting anxious. I started carrying a purse every day with pads waiting. It was the 2nd to the last week of school and finally it came. I was cheesing all dayum day. It lasted 7 full days and didn’t come back until the 2nd months after 7th grade. Yep, I had an irregular period and was crushed
When I reached high school, I decided it was time for me to wear tampons, I wore them for about awhile but could not figure out how people would chose to wear the dayum things over pads. I mean, it was so big and uncomfortable. Why was I walking around for 3 days with the tampon and applicator inside my coochie??? I had NO IDEA just the cotton part was supposed to be in there. LOL DUH!
@El,
Ouch! Dayum!
Funny as hell too!
@El,
God bless you child. Ouch indeed.
@El,
OH NO!!! Bless your heart.
@El,
OH NOOOO! that’s a crying shame, LAWD HAVE MERCY i just had a mini heart attack-not the applicator too………….hahahahahaaaaaaaaaaahahaha
@El, you just made me feel better! LOL, omg that must have been painful.
I’m cracking up over here.
@El, Coach Knolls (big fat black lady with a Jeri Curl)…lmao, I think every school had a coach/gym teacher who looked like this.
@El,
That happened to my girlfriend. But um, she wass 28! LMAO
Embrace it, you were a kid!
@El,
@El, well at least you were in H.S. my supervisor had this happen to her 2 months ago.. she thought she had cardboard poising.. She couldn’t figure out why she was in so much pain down there.. the doc took out the applicator and the cotton.. TOTAL FAIL on the part of 47 y.o. woman!
@Miss Patterson,
Aunt Flo for me – Discovered at the Doctor’s office when I had to go into the restroom to give them a urine sample. Very akward.
a plague to this entire thread!@!!$!!!
@The Champ,
Lol. Buck up. Without visits from Aunt Flo, there would be no uncles.
(Claire to Rudy -circa 1990 – “The Cosby Show”)
@nia,
“(Claire to Rudy -circa 1990 – “The Cosby Show”)”
That was Claire to Theo’s friend – circa 1990 – “The Cosby Show” But we knew what ya meant. ; )
@Miss Patterson,
You have officially ruined champ’s morning toast with this. I thank you, Pattiecakes.
@Luvvie, *waving in pageant pose stance*
thank you, thank you, i’d like to thank goodie and luvvie and the corner squad…wait, let me sprinkle some more of those albino roaches on his plate. tada!
*jazz hands, walks off stage*
@Miss Patterson, i was right there with you until the albino roaches. ugh, i googled imaged them one day @ work and i have never been the same.
The VSSs have opened the floodgates (no pun intended). I think I just heard many door slams. The sound of the mass exodus of all the VSBs outta here.
I think we may have turned VSB into an eIsle of Lesbos (No Lil Richard)
@Miss Patterson,
My first Flo story is SOOOOO similar. lol. The week before my twelfth birthday Flo made her first appearance. Me, thinking it lasted ONE day (I don’t know what I was doing during the “Today, You Become a Woman” lecture) decided I would suck it up and NOT tell my parents. Well, on day two, I decided I was definitely bleeding to death and had to tell my mother.
She then gave me a pad WITH A BELT! As if wearing that ish wasn’t torture enough, my mom called my ENTIRE family to share the news. Over liver and onions (no lie) at the dinner table that night, my father kept saying over and over, “she’s too young, too young”. My brothers were extra nice.
I honestly wanted to die at age 11. I don’t know what embarrassed me more: the fact that the entire family knew I was “a woman” or that I didn’t know that the thang lasted more than a day.
@iloVEGrits, “Over liver and onions (no lie) at the dinner table that night, my father kept saying over and over, “she’s too young, too young”. My brothers were extra nice.”
LOL.. this sounds like a movie!
@iloVEGrits, LOL, i cannot imagine what my dumb arse would have done with the belt. If only it did last a day, ugh.
When I told my mom, I made her promise she wouldn’t tell my dad. At the dinner table (with my 4 bros, my parents, looking like Thanksgiving everyday) my dad goes “Heyy, I hear you are a woman now”.
I look over @ mama overity and she is all up in her pasta.
ps) Liver rocks! Coincidentally, its a great source of iron lol.
@overit,
why do our mothers do this to us? really, why must they embarrass us so?
my mom had a PARTY for me… and it wasn’t even close to my birthday.
I wanted to kill her. I was all of 10.
@blackberry molasses,
If I ever have a daughter, I swear I will NOT do this to her.
NOT the belt!!!!! i swore those things didn’t really exist after like 1890 lol.
i tried to keep mine a secret too, altho i don’t know why since i’d known exactly what was coming (becuz my mother forced me to read the “whats happening to my body?” book). but since me and my lil cousin were with my aunt and uncle for the weekend i was too embarrassed to say anything. the moment my breasts started to grow my cousin teased me about becoming a “young lady” so i didn’t want to give her more ammunition. but nonetheless, my aunt found out and she had my mom call me to try and pretend she didn’t know but still convince me to tell my aunt if i started my period. it wasn’t until hours after we got to my aunt and uncle’s cabin on the lake that i finally confessed to my aunt in private. it was a pretty miserable weekend.
crazy thing is, this aunt is the person i had all my growing up “1sts” with — sitting up on my own, crawling, 1st steps, 1st word, 1st period.
@Gem-nasty,
I totally forgot they had a belt attached. When I first learned this I thanked God above for Always with Wings! LOL
@iloVEGrits, hahahahahahaha….that’s terrible not knowing it lasted more than a day. poor chile
@Miss Patterson,
Stop….Its too in the morning for this hilarity
…my stomach hurts.
@Miss Patterson, U passed out???? and the Diarrhea? WOW
@Miss Patterson,
At least you didn’t put it in there WITH the application still attached like my homegirl did. She was 28.
*blank stare*
I wouldn’t have told ANYONE that if I were her. But whatever, she is brave! LOL But that ish was funny!!!!
@Miss Patterson,
*Sigh*
My story aint much different from yall.
Picture it, Chicago, 1996. A young & very naive Luvvie was prepping to go to bed. She had never gotten the birds & the bees (knees) talk from the ‘rents and couldnt even remember whether she had taken sex ed.
On this particular day, she had on her favorite floral pahntiss. The ones w/ the pretty blue flowers on them. She goes to the bafroom to change into her PJs and pees. She looks down and sees Red on her pre-teen drawers and freaked.
After panicking and thinks “ohmyGosh I’m gonna die”, she runs out the bathroom to her aunt and squeals. “Oh nooo!! What’s this? I’m bleeding in my… *whispers* underwear”. Instead of the comfort and concern she thought she’d encounter from dear Aunt, she got laughed at instead. Young Luvvie was then given a pad and told that she’s a woman nah.
*Sigh* To this day, when we have a family gathering, my aunt exclaims “OHMYGOSH! What is this???” and giggles. I hate that I love her.
@Luvvie,
bwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah
@Luvvie, i love how universal it is we all thought we were gonna die, like you have a second where you face your own mortality.
random but…it really makes me grateful. like, the design of the human body/brain is amazing. being healthy is great!
ok, i’m done with my moment.
@overit,
It’s just amazing to me that something that bleeds for 4 to 7 days straight doesn’t die (shout out to South Park).
ahhhh here it is.
see VSSs who haven’t shared a story — sharing is indeed caring
wait. yall did a post on skin colors yesterday? i miss everything:( lol
@charli skipper, and yall talked about rain prior!? awwwwww.
i’m just gone go ahead and comment on yesterday’s post. don’t you hate it when people need to be reassured that they’re not dark? um, beby, you ain’t heard? black is beautiful.
oh, my biggest “duh” moment.
one time, i was riding in the car with an old boyfriend. (this was the night from hell, btw. he was a demon.) he was speeding on the interstate by a ridiculous number. after he got pulled over and was talking to the cop behind the car, i got cold and reached for his jacket in the backseat.
when i opened the jacket to put it on, a whole bunch of leaves fell out and i thought, “what? he must have taken his godson to the park. but that chile should be too old to make this kinda mess…” (seriously, that’s honestly what my first thought was.) so i put the jacket back, but there were sooo many leaves still in my lap. um………………………………………………………………………………….so then i had an epiphany. “he’s a d-boy,” quoth i. “and this is mary jane,” DUH………..i wanted to cry.
@charli skipper,
Dang. Just… dang.
Since you typing, I’m taking it that you aint in Cellblock D. Good.
@Luvvie, i knooooooooow, right?
i didn’t get arrested. i did get a bunch of concerned questions/comments from the cop like, “how do you know him? why are you with him? you need to make better choices.” lol. he never saw or smelled the weeds though. because then i’d probably be in prison braiding some strong girl’s hair right now. *shudder*
@charli skipper,
You’d be doing more than braiding her hair. Actually, you’d be out by now and you’d have forgotten your old prison girlfriend.
@iloVEGrits,
out by now? guh, that happened last tuesday. j/k
@charli skipper,
“he’s a d-boy,” quoth i. “and this is mary jane,” DUH………..i wanted to cry.
I am in a meeting damn near in tears.
Are these duh moments only sex related? I have a lot of moments but not that many related to sex…. The one that comes to mind is that I was like 16 when I realized that the chick in my school known for having a threesome was having anal sex ….for some reason I thought there was another way to take 2 at one time…I discovered this when someone made a joke about her having a loose booty and I didn’t get it…..
So after I found out that I thought that doggie style was an*l…I found out umm in the throws of passion and I was slightly tipsy and the guy tried to turn me over and I pulled myself into a ball and cried NOOOOO! I didn’t know you were gay(I thought all guys that were into an*l were gay..hell I still do)…he was like what the F!ck is wrong with you
@shay-d-lady,
lol, this is funny. i cant imagine a woman curling up in the fetal position and crying if i ask her to turn around. actually, i can imagine it, but thats beside the point
@shay-d-lady,
Holy ish! How did I miss this story earlier? Did it just get out of moderation or something?
Hilarious!!! My cousin has a similar story…but she fainted. Kudos to you for staying conscious.
I don’t have any “duh” moments. I have always been a know- it- all.
Ha!
(If u believe I’m serious, please point to your head and say “two” in French- u just had a moment)
LOL i was just telling my etwin that i was such a know-it-all growing up and would rarely admit (even to myself) when i didn’t know something. so any “ah ha” moment i would have had wasn’t acknowledged. so i can’t even think of any stories to share.
@Gem-nasty,
Lol. Yeah, even if someone proved me wrong I generally persisted in the lie that I was right unless we reached the point of no return and then I’d just say “so what?”.
@Me fail english?, gem-nasty
i’m curious, what do you two use to fill up the space where your souls would be? cream of wheat? pillows? lotion?
@ The Champ,
This is the cutest story ever. I laughed of course but I am happy that you at least had a childhood. At twelve I didn’t know what a ‘rubber’ was and I happy about it because I don’t consider that age appropriate information. Most of the kids growing up today are forced to act like adults too soon. Even the babies are dressed in Timberlands and army fatigues. Kids just can’t be kids anymore.
So I have always been considered a good-girl and was considered a smart-student in high school. But I held on to my virginity longer than most of my peers. So my sexual lexicon was lacking back then (probably still is.) A friend dropped the word ‘cunniligus’ and I asked what it was. Instead of immediately answering this chick said, “I know something Ms. Hall doesn’t.” She was proud of this like they were giving away gold medals or something. On the one hand I guess I should be flattered that in my group of friends I was the “smart” standard. On the other hand I hate to be the last to know. Arrgh.
Champ still gets the “Cutest Story Ever Regarding Sexual Naiveté” Award (I think that sounds better than, duh.)
@Ms. Hall, whats wrong with lil kids in fatigues and gold boots?
@Peyso is no longer confused about twitter,
Sat.Down.
If I sees yo li’l boy runnin round in fatigues and gold boots, I’m calling Child Protective Services on yo azz.
@blackberry molasses,
LMAO @ the visual
@Ms. Hall,
Champ still gets the “Cutest Story Ever Regarding Sexual Naiveté” Award (I think that sounds better than, duh.)
better? maybe. gayer? definitely
I also pronounced pecan as bahcon until I was in college and I thought
onesies were pronounced “O-nee-sis” instead of “one-sies” and found out while calling out gifts at a baby shower
@shay-d-lady,
*blinking*
@shay-d-lady,
lol@ Oh-nee-sis. Those must be the french kind.
No biggie though, I got all the way to college before someone told me “Spiggity” is not in fact a synonym for paltry, rather my grandfather’s broken English word for “Spaghetti”
@Me fail english?,
My grandma called it “baghetti” till the day she left here…we never corrected her.
@miss t-lee,
Awww. I love old people. I got Geechees (sp?) on my Daddy’s side and I have NO IDEA wth they be talking about. Thankfully, when I was younger I never picked any of it up and used it in the real world.
@miss t-lee, lol, my country was colonized by italy so we know our pasta.
*shaking fist at the scramble for africa*
@shay-d-lady,
“I also pronounced pecan as bahcon…”
Same here. Butter bahcon ice cream was my joint! ; )
@shay-d-lady,
You got me dying laughing over here man! OMG!
But real talk (I hate that phrase so much I have to use it as way to get over my disdain…it aint working, BTW) FOCUS! (ADD is real, folks. REAL TALK) <– ugh. Ok. Phew!
When I was a kid, ok… an adult. Ok! Damn honestly, I had no idea that a “chester draw” was a chest of drawers until I was reading a book and saw it that way! I was like, OMG! What ELSE don’t I know. It scared me!
FOCUS! (ADD is real, folks. REAL TALK) <– ugh. Ok. Phew!
lmbo hilarious!!
@ElleBella_ATL_Playa, I’ve had that moment. you discover something you didn’t know and realize you’re in danger because what the hell else don’t you know.
i used to think that the man that did the voiceover on tv shows was saying “broshued by” instead of “brought to you by _____.” that seems really stupid now. but i totally used to use that word in public.
@charli skipper,
OMG! What did you think it meant?
@charli skipper,
LMAO used it in what context?! I bet you thought you was stylin on ninjas too!
@shay-d-lady, I used to pronounce ENYCE as “e-nee-chay” instead of as NYC.
@Peyso is no longer confused about twitter,
Wait… I thought it was pronounced the first way! So I was wrong all this time?! LOL!!!!
@Peyso is no longer confused about twitter,
lol, i remember i used to get clowned for pronouncing it the right way, more evidence that native new yorkers are assh*les.
@The Champ,
Damn, you champ! I’m from NYC and I always knew how to say it. Lol@ ninjas tryna make urban wear sound french though
@Me fail english?,
red dot boutique much or should I say TarJay? lol
@WuDaMan,
I prefer “The Tarj”
@Peyso is no longer confused about twitter, LOL! so many ppl used to do that, and i’d be like “does that even make sense?” but they were so adamant i started to doubt myself lol. you weren’t the only one.
@Peyso is no longer confused about twitter,
So… you tryna tell me it AINT E-nee-chay? F my life.
@Luvvie,
I’m hip!!! (Or is it “I’m hep??) I been sayin it wrong too! What about Pelle Pelle? Is it Pelley Pell? Or Pelley Pelley? I need to know!
What happened to the easy days of Karl Kani? Or is it Karl Kanee? Karl Kah-neey??? Lol!!
@nia, that one is def Karl Kanie. I only know because he went to high school with my dad
@Peyso is no longer confused about twitter,
I guess I’m having my Duh moment right now, cause I had NO idea Enyce was pronounced NYC. I will still call it “e-nee-chay”. Yall need more people.
@Peyso is no longer confused about twitter, So….it’s not pronounced “e-nee-chay?” Um, wow. Thankfully, I don’t use it in everyday sentences (who wears that in 2009?), but I’m ashamed nonetheless
@Kindred Smile, i dont wear it either but still
@Peyso is no longer confused about twitter, And AND after taking an informal poll, no one else knew this either. So my lifespace is comforted that my friends are as clueless as I am….wait, that’s probably a bad thing…
@Peyso is no longer confused about twitter,
That’s how you pronounce it??? I never knew that until just now.
Well, there’s MY “duh moment.”
@Peyso is no longer confused about twitter, wait…you mean it’s NOT pronounced e-nee-chay. i thought that was the whole charm of the brand’s name, no? i guess i just had a duh moment at 11:46 AM PST live on VSB. wow, that’s a daggone shame.
@Miss Patterson,
I always thought it was pronounced en-ee-chay too.
Not that this really matters, do they still make clothes? lol
@Peyso is no longer confused about twitter,
I just had a “duh” moment. I was actually pronouncing it Eh-nee-se…
@Peyso is no longer confused about twitter, So that’s not how you pronounce it????? Dang…glad I don’t wear urban wear….
I laughed so hard when I read this. I had so many “duh” moments when I was young, but I’m too embarressed to share them. I was a very naive kid…
@Leila,
I had so many “duh” moments when I was young, but I’m too embarressed to share them
punk.
@The Champ, haha!
@Leila, me too Leila, but i shared one and sadly that wasn’t the biggest duh moment i had. lol, i’m mad that i was naive even though i was around all sorts of stuff.
leila. nike. do it.
@Leila,
According to the terms of the non-enforceable, non-existent VSS contract, you are obligated to share any stories you allude to. No backing down.
@Luvvie, and if i had to abide by this non-existent rule, so do you leila.
dish! (i never use that word but i felt it was aprop)
this coming from the VSS who has yet to dish her bizz lol
@Gem-nasty, i did share!
i was just in my own world, might as well have been named oblivia.
random aside, i call “duh” moments “amelia bedelia” moments. PLEASE someone say you remember that book series, she killed me.
@overit, Of course I remember that book series, chile! Thanks for bringing back memories
nobody was talking to you, paranoia!! i was talkin bout luvvie (until i read her menses comment upthread lol)
and yes, amelia bedelia was my girl!! actually, the only book i ever “stole” was an AB book from my 4th grade teacher lol
@overit,
oh snap!!! Not amelia bedelia!!! I just to love those books.
@overit,
I was a fan of Ramona, Tales of a 4th Grade Nothing, Babysitters Club (Stacy was my homie)
i was down with Ramona and Babysitters Club as well. i was a Stacy stan as well
@Luvvie, Babysitters Club? Yes! Claudia was my fave.
What about Sweet Valley High? I stanned for them twins. I even remember the theme song to the short-lived tv show…wow, that’s embarassing.
@Kindred Smile,
Sweet Valley, Sweeet Valley Hiiiiggghhh! . That will be stuck in my head all dayum day now. Thanksomuch.
How about I wanted a lavender unicorn sweater so bad I CRIED one Christmas? Dayum purple puppy sweater. It’s NOT the same, Ma!
@Luvvie,
It’s all about that Superfudge!!!!
@Luvvie, BABYSITTER’S CLUB!!! Oh man, I used to devour those books– like 4 a day.
I loved me some Mary Ann– she was soooo sweet. And I copied the way Stacy wrote with the hearts dotting her “i’s” all the way throug middle school.
i got with Sweet Valley High too!!! once i got to HS, i couldn’t for the life of me figure out why my HS experiences weren’t like those in the books
@Luvvie,
lol. I guess I was a tomboy. They tried to put me on to the Babysitters’ Little Sisters’ Club (that bootleg ish wasn’t even no real club. They aint solve mysteries or make money or nothing). So I just stuck with Cam Jansen, R.L. Stein and Encyclopedia Brown. *shrugs*
@Luvvie, Ramona Quimby stand up!
I first learned about diabetes and insulin shots from the babysitters club.
@Luvvie, i loved Ramona, Judy Blume and Sweet Valley High…my mom used to say to the latter, “i’m just glad you’re reading something”. those SVH books were like 300 pages and i couldn’t get enough.
@Kindred Smile,
I loved me some Sweet Valley High… and imagine the translations of “valley talk” in French… Hilarious!
@Luvvie, Babysitters Club
I loved that series! Claudia was my favorite (Stacy was second)…
@Gem-nasty,
I DID dish! Look up thread.
I feel eCloser to yall. lol
How I met the word “c-o-c-k…sucker”
I was prolly 10 or 11 and my older brother was 20 or 21. We were watching a TV together..he had just got home and was eating a Chicago Italian Beef and I wanted some of it but he wouldn’t give me none..I kept pestering him until he exclaimed…leave me alone you lil c-sucker. At whence he immidately froze b/c I guess he knew he had done something wrong? Picking up on his nervous stare…but not knowing what the work meant, I asked him…what’s a c-sucker?
He was quiet at first then thought it was sorta funny that I didn’t know…and was all like “you seriously don’t know what that word means?”
I was all like, no? But I bet Mom does…”MMMOOOMM”
Brother, “SHut up, be quiet…here” and proceeds to break me off a piece of his sandwich…
Me: Alright! Greedy fatty Mcfatty eats up me sandwich
Mom enters room 5 or 10 min. later asking me what I wanted…
Me: What’s a c-sucker? Gene just called me one?
Another story involved me learning how to spell the word fu*k…I thought it was spelled Fuuk…and my other older brother kept laughing at me…until I figured out how to spell it correctly…and he got all scared b/c I was going around sing songing how to spell the word and again Mom was like what in the hell..who taught you that…and I was all like, Paul…
I guess I was a tattle tale little sister… lol
@maria,
“Me: Alright! Greedy fatty Mcfatty eats up me sandwich”
Too funny
@maria, I have tears in my eyes. seriously.
@maria,
I really want one of them sandwiches right now. Not fair.
@maria, we woulda fought. i fought my lil bro all the time for snitching
@maria,
i was almost mad your brother called you a little c-sucker, until i read further. you WERE a little c-sucker, lol
@maria, I heart this story, although I’m really, really glad I didn’t have any younger siblings
@maria, great story. i love that you got your grub on and still told on his a$$.
oh here’s an obvious duh moment…for the longest time I thought it was a$$ WHITE, not WIPE… and my bad…I thought was MY BAG…I thought that until I was like 24 or 25…smh…def. a wow moment when I found out what was really been said…and how stupid I musta sounded before knowing…
@maria,
Haha, I still know people that say their “word is ‘born’” and “‘intensive’ purposes”
@Me fail english?,
For all intensive purposes, I’m gonna need you to refrain from talking to those people. ; )
@Me fail english?, and pacific instead of specific?
why cant people realize that its not “intensive purposes” but its “intents and purposes”?
@Peyso is no longer confused about twitter,
“pacific instead of specific?”
Hahaha!
@RedBeanzNRice
I have this one girlfriend who is actually a pretty bright chick. But she refuses to take my word for it on the pronunciation of the following:
“Rose” (as in the drink)
I tell her: “ro-ZAY”
She insists on: “roze” (like the flower)
“Chasidic”
I tell her: “ha-SID-ik”
She insists on: “ho-LIS-tik”
“Joaquin”
I tell her: “wah-KEEN”
She insists on: “JO-kwin”
There’s some others. I’ve long since stopped correcting her. If it makes her happy to watch my ears bleed, then it can’t be that bad.
LOL @ joaquin
i still have native so.cal friends who pronounce tortilla as “tor-till-AH” instead of “tor-TEE-yuh”. you live around a bunch of messicans (black folk pronunciation of mexicans) and you can’t say spanish words right?!?! sheesh
@Gem-nasty,
Lol. Girl I’m convinced some black folks just refuse to pronounce spanish words right on purpose. My half Puerto Rican bf refuses to pronounce his last name “or-TEEZ”, and demands he be called “AWR-TIZ” (he doesn’t like his dad). Way to stick it to the man babe!
@Me fail english?, It’s one thing to be wrong, it’s another thing to argue about it. That really, really grinds my gears
@Me fail english?,
“Joaquin”
I tell her: “wah-KEEN”
She insists on: “JO-kwin”
This is hella funny! Gosh, y’all killed me today.
@Me fail english?,
““Chasidic”
I tell her: “ha-SID-ik”
She insists on: “ho-LIS-tik””
All the other ones I can understand, but dang, how she get an L out of Chasidic? LMAO
@RedBeanzNRice,
Yeah I wanted to tell her “it sounds the way it looks” but that sounds kinda high-handed, so I just pretended she was right after a while.
@Peyso is no longer confused about twitter, lololol… i thought it was intents and purposes too…. till i saw people saying intensive purposes… and then i thought i was wrong… but i couldn’t wrap my mind around “intensive purposes” so whenever i see it i just act like i don’t lol…
The first time I had chex, in college, was with a hottie from high school. He was a red bone with green eyes and red hair and yes, we looked like we could have been related. (it was the 90s…that’s my excuse).
His wang was SO HUGE that I was honestly worried about it getting in there. I had a mini anxiety attack (unable to catch my breath, red rash on my face, sweating profusely). Being the sweetie (and by sweetie I mean horny devil) he was, he waited it out.
I had fronted like I had chex before so my mini melt down was a shock to him.
After I pulled it together, it managed to get in. Not without some serious “oochie ouch” on my part.
But it was on this day that I learned I had some special, if not raw, talents. He still checks for me on our alumni site. lol.
And yes…to this day…that thang is still HUGE in my book.
@iloVEGrits,
*insert wicked smile here*
@iloVEGrits,
“hottie from high school”?
wait. you mean you met him in high school or he WAS in high school. i mean, i think i can assume the first one, but you never know when chris hansen is lurking on these internets.
um…i made some lemonade!
@charli skipper,
LMAO. We went to high school together. lol.
Though we were in the same grade in high school, I was a 16 yr. old college freshman and he was a 19 yr old gas station attendant. Back then, I thought nothing of it. He had a car and drove 7 hrs. to my school. lol.
@iloVEGrits, lmao @ checking for u on the alumni site.
get it squirrel.
@iloVEGrits,
LOL the visual of u seeing the 3rd leg and freaking has me in the gigglefits. I bet ur voice got all high pitched too
I waited REALLY, REALLY late in life to sample herbal refreshments. Like, 28.
When I finally indulged, I was like ‘this is doing nothing for me’ after one puff so I started taking huge drags, hogging the thing.
20 minutes later, I was on the floor, giggling like a fool and pontificating about the car wash/man salon/fried chicken shack that would make me rich. I also came up with an entire concept album that would take the world by storm.
My ‘duh’ moment was realizing taking huge drags of hydro is never good. You should also prolly know what hydro is before you smoke it.
@iloVEGrits, OMG, GTFOH. Sooooooooo, I had almost the same experience. People used to smoke at FAMU all the time (shout out to my rattlers). I tried it when I was like 17, 18, 19, 20 and could never get high. So one superbowl when I was like 25 I decided to try again. Sitting in a room full of nigg@s and one other chick, I learned how to swallow the smoke. Man, I was soooooooooooooooooooo high and I do mean, high! I don’t think I have ever asked/answered so many questions in my life. I wonder why they paint apartment walls white? Maybe they do that so your personal belongings will match the place. I bet the football concept came from back in the day when they used to fight in coleseums. Did people used to bet on fights like they do football games? I still don’t know who played that superbowl game. I don’t even remember how I got home that night. I just remembered all the guys looking at me like I was fresh meat and trying to figure out if I could have my first orgie with strangers… BUT my girl snuck me out of there so there wouldn’t be a Playa’s Club moment. Weed is off the chain. Just say no people!
@El,
Damn.
*Thanks Jeebus my ghetto ass parents and sister were the ones to introduce me to the Lady Jane*
@Me fail english?,
Now that is hilarious!!
@Ms. Sula,
Girl my mom is WI and my pops is just ghetto. Everyone in the family above the age of puberty smokes (grandparents, adoptees, uncles’ ex-wives). On Thanksgiving our garage smells like a burning “tea” field. Mom dukes won’t let any smoke in her house..
@El,
FAM got d@mn U! All right, all right, all right!
@Voiceofreason,
Strike, strike and strike again!
@El, Rattlers in the house!!!!!!!
LOL wowsers
i was just telling my labmate that my first (and only) time getting “high” was in high school when i ate a very special brownie. i had no idea it was a “special” brownie (becuz the ppl i was with thought i knew since they are all weed-heads) and i was starving so i tore it up. when i found out what kind of brownie it was i thought to myself “self, it’s no big deal– you cannot get high by ingesting mary jane”. WRONG. i was sooooo eff’d up. and to make matters worse, we were at six flags amusement park. after trippin out for about an hour, my friends took me to first aid so i could lay down and collect myself. but even after 2hrs of FA i was back walking around the park very confused and unsettled about all the “busy-ness” going on.
*smh* so pathetic.
@Gem-nasty,
girl there was more than weed in that brownie. lol.
@iloV.E.G.rits,
girl there was more than weed in that brownie. lol.
lol, i think so too. young gemmie was a ticallion stallion
LOL no there was just weed in the brownies. what kind of weed i can’t remember. but of all the people eating the brownies, i was the only one who had a “reaction” (not including one kid who was throwin up uncontrollably– he shoulda said no to all those roller coasters)
@Gem-nasty,
I have a brownie story as well… but its still a little too soon for me to be telling that one.
It happened in 2006, and I ain’t living that one down either. **smh**
All I will say is that it involved DUI, getting lost in Philly, the ER where my mom does clinical rotations, walking barefoot in PJ’s near my CHURCH and being HIGH for 3 days straight.
That is all.
@blackberry molasses, L.M.A.O. pleeeease share, it aint even gotta be on here, gee chat! lol.
walking barefoot in PJ’s near my CHURCH, loool.
WHAAAAAAAAAAT?!?!?!?!?! lmbo wowsers
@blackberry molasses,
OMG! I NEED this story in my life. Does this require an ePosse email thread? lol
@blackberry molasses,
Ima need more details because this story sounds HILARIOUS!!!
@blackberry molasses, How you gone hold out? So, so unfair
@blackberry molasses,
LOL!!! I need to hear/read this story…please share…
Okay, since you asked so nicely. Be warned, is kinda long… but FUNNY.
So, there were these girls that were friends of a friend and they were having a birthday party in South Philly. So my bestie, her roomie and I decide we ain’t got sh*t else to do, let’s go. We get there and the vibe is okay. I need a few drinks to tolerate these folks. I find a bottle of 3 Olives Grape Vodka and a bottle of Sprite and I’m happy. Then one of the girls who lives there invites me and my friends upstairs. They have brownies. The fun kind. Please note that I had NEVER done brownies before in my life. My bestie and I stuck to smoking, and even that was an extremely rare event for me. So my bestie does a whole brownie, my dumb arse does ¾ and her roomie does a 1/3. So now we are all drunk and high and having a good time.
When it was time to leave, we quickly realize we are all still pretty done up. But SOMEONE had to drive. So we did that “touch your finger to your nose” test to see who was the least f*cked up. Yeah, that ain’t work. We logically decide that my bestie’s roommate had the least amount of substances in her, so she should drive. However, she didn’t know her way around Philly at all, my best friend was EXTRA done so I had to navigate us home. Talk about the blind leading the blind. Well, we somehow end up on the Platt Bridge heading toward the airport instead of the Ben Franklin heading back toward Jersey, because I told her to “look for the blue bridge”. My best friend is in the back seat FREAKING OUT. Somehow I get us back into Jersey and we head for Wawa because we got a wicked case of the munchies.
I order a foot long turkey hoagie and wolf that sucker down. My bestie can’t even get out of the car, but she wants 4 hot dogs. So we finish and start heading toward my bestie’s mom’s house… there is no way we are making it back to Princeton. We park and THAT is when things go HORRIBLY awry. My bestie pukes 4 times (one for each hot dog) before we get into the house… and once all over her fabulous shoes. I feel like I’m on a roller coaster that won’t stop and I’m getting sick. Roomie is cool. We get in and her mom is there, sleeping. I was in this amazing dress, but I didn’t want to sleep in it, so my bestie gives me PJ’s. We all attempt to go to sleep. But I can’t sleep because I feel TERRIBLE. They both tell me to try and throw up, so I’ll feel better. So I’m in the bathroom for what feels like an eternity and nothing is coming up. My friend’s mom walks in on me leaned over the toilet. BAD. I go to my friend’s room and I’m like “I think I need to go to the ER. I’m going to die. I can’t sit, I can’t stand, and I can’t lay down.”
So they get up and put my azz in the car and try to find the closest ER. Keep in mind they are both still RIDICULOUSLY high. We get to an ER and I realize it’s the one my mom does rotations in when she teaches her students. What’s worse, this ER is across the street from our church. My friends don’t want to get in trouble for DUI, so they park in the church parking lot and make me walk barefooted in my PJ’s into the ER.
I go in and LIE and say I only drank alcohol, and that I had too much to drink. I wasn’t going to tell them I was high. I can’t go to JAIL! They’re trying to process me, but I’m so done, I can’t even stand up. They bring me a wheelchair. I’m sitting in the wheelchair in the waiting room when suddenly I feel the need to vomit. I weakly mumble “can someone help me? I need to go to the bathroom. I can’t find it.” There was some other drunkard in there who wheeled me to the door of the ladies room. I think I kissed him to thank him.
I go in and that turkey hoagie decides to make its escape. ALL OVER THE BATHROOM. My friends were right though. As soon as I threw up, I felt better. And embarrassed that I was an EPIDEMIOLOGIST in the ER of a hospital where people know my mom (and therefore know me, since I’m a dead ringer for her), and I had just desecrated their bathroom with copious amounts of vomit.
I wash my face, fix my hair, and calmly walk out of the ER before they had the chance to admit me. But I’m still high. I forgot where my friends had parked and I’m walking around in PJ’s with no shoes on trying to find their car. I find them and scare the sh*t out of them, because they were sleeping and thought I was the cops.
I was high for the remainder of that weekend. And I was hosting a huge Memorial Day bash at my house. I was driving all over creation, shopping and cooking while I was effing HIGH. I have never been so aware of how fast the world actually moves than I was that weekend.
Oh, and my man… yeah, he thought it was the funniest sh*t EVER. To his credit, he did come to look for me at the ER… while he was high himself. He was scared I was really hurt. Once he figured out I was just extra stoned, he got mad I didn’t save him a piece of brownie. A match made in heaven, we are.
@blackberry molasses,
WOW!! hehehehe…..
@blackberry molasses, YES. Yes. This is the best. story. ever. Seriously, I don’t need to read anything else for the rest of the day. Thank you.
i just CAN’T with you right now, BBMo. i’m trying to run my samples on HPLC and now i’m all distracted.
@blackberry molasses, LMAO.
i’m mad @ this: So we did that “touch your finger to your nose” test to see who was the least f*cked up. Yeah, that ain’t work.
the imagery all throughout this killed me, loool. This was so great.
@blackberry molasses,
Yupppp… That pretty much made my day. Thank you, BBMo.
@Gem-nasty,
Lol. My girlfriend had a Duh moment with special brownies. This fool made the brownies with the actual weed inside. One bite in and I had a mouth full of leaves.
I still ate it though…
@Me fail english?, Bwhaha LMAO @ the fact you still ate it
the leaves tho?!?! LOL wow. that just sounds unpleasant.
@Me fail english?,
Ok, another “duh” moment for the kid. You don’t actually put the weed in it?
So, um, pray tell, how are the special brownies made? There is a Vegas trip in my near future that might call for “snacks”…
@Ms. Sula,
Heh, heh. Well the traditional way to make it entails boiling your “tea” in butter or oil until green. Strain out the tea leaves. Substitute the oil/butter in the recipe for your “green oil”..and voila!
My homegirl actually dumped the “tea” into the brownie mix. The leaves don’t dissolve! *spits stems*
@Gem-nasty,
LOL!! I had a weed brownie “duh” moment…
this Que I was interested in invited me and my girls over to hang with him and his bruhs. Well, he made some special brownies, and I didn’t know why he called them “special”, I just assumed they were vegan or something and he was trying to do something sepcial for me. After the first one, I’m like “dang, these are some good azz brownies”, and proceed to eat another one while sipping on some “oil”. Next thing I know, I’m talking about a vast gov’t conspiracy…I can’t remember the details, but it somehow involved Uncle Ben and Aunt Jemima…how I found out about the weed went something like this
Me: What’s so damn funny, this is serious shyt I’m talking about…
Him: how many brownies did you eat, shawty….
Me: I ate 2, is that a problem….
Him: those are weed brownies, shawty….
Me: WHAT!! Weed!! Damn that’s why they’re special… oh well…those are some good azz weed brownies.
I think it was probably a combination of the likker and the weed. Thankfully, the night ended on a much better note….
@N.I.A. happyhumpday….,
“Thankfully, the night ended on a much better note….”
For you, or for him?
@Nikiloveli,
For both…me and my girls ended up sleeping over b/c we were all messed up. I slept on the sofa, and woke up still high and horny…I made my move…definitely the best chex of my life….
@N.I.A. happyhumpday….,
Don’t stop, get it get it!
get it squirrel!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
@N.I.A. happyhumpday….,
Chex while on “high road” would have you addicted to that stuff in a minute…
@iloVEGrits, It seems like I’m destined to follow the same path, minus the hydro lol. I’ve never sampled herbal refreshments, and whenever I casually mention it, I get told “Well, it’s too late for you to start now”. WTF? Can someone explain that to me?
@Kindred Smile,
It’s never too late.
@iloVEGrits,
my “duh” moment was at the end phase of my herbal refreshment indulgence. After smoking alllll day long insted of studying for finals my I decided that I needed a monkey or a midget dressed in a tuxedo to be my personal bartender. I then freestyled for 30 minutes ( my ‘friend’ recorded it…it sucked) and drive to walmart where I had a nervous breakdown in the parkinglot Mariah style at two in the morning….no more drugs for me. I can’t even stand the smell anymore!
@SxyScientst,
Lol at “mariah style!”
@PrincesMo, I freaked out…crying , singing, calling random family members…Im not sure the only thing in the last cigar was herbal iown want no more!
I don’t know if this counts since I never actually shared this with anyone. When I was a young’um I found a copy of penthouse. Reading the letters, I came across the phrase ‘eating p***y’. I thought it was literal.
@enomaj,
Yup, those regenerate every night
but lol@ you for reading the letters
@enomaj, ouch
I’m feelin generous. Got 2 stories…
When I was younger, I had a huge crush on the older boy up the street. HUGE. I would go outta my way to impress him. I had this really pretty white bubble skirt with blue polka dots and he loved it cause whenever I wore it he would actually pay me attention. He would want to race (I’d always win), watch me jump rope, he even wanted me to teach him how to do a cartwheel! Wasn’t til I was 12 maybe 13 when my sister told me he only did those things cause he could see my panties
Didn’t dawn on me that I was the only person on the block who could beat him in a race when I couldn’t beat anyone else and he could beat almost everyone.
And until I was 16 I believed a spatula could not get hot.
My uncle taught me that. He tortured me and my sisters when we were younger…wedgies, he would put on his scary Halloween mask just to scare us and chase us around the house. Once my dad was late picking us up, we called my uncle and he told us he got run over by the commuter train and died. Got some stories for ya. Anyway, he would make us grilled cheese for lunch and try to burn us with the metal spatula, of course we wouldn’t let him touch us with it. We’d run. He’d chase us. After about 5 minutes, he’d corner us and say “spatulas can’t get hot silly”, touch us with the spatula and we’d feel stupid for runnin. Lol.
Fast-forward 10 years, I’m scrambling some eggs and tryin to prove to my lil brother that spatulas can’t get hot. Except I didn’t chase him for 5 minutes and I touched my own arm. I STILL have the burn mark
@Imperfect,
LOL! That spatula bit belongs in a Will Ferrell movie.
@Me fail english?,
I concur. Oh em gee!
@Imperfect
LMAO! I have no words for this. I need a spatula like this. Matter of fact I need an oven that doesn’t get hot but still cooks food……ask your uncle if he can hook that up for me.
@Imperfect,
Uuum, your uncle? Yeeah….shoulda got reported. Or at least told on. That is tuurble. Oh the things us kids had to deal wit before social services.
But you touching your arm??? Too funny! And the visual of you flinching in pain and surprise when you did it???? Even funnier!! lol
@Imperfect, “Wasn’t til I was 12 maybe 13 when my sister told me he only did those things cause he could see my panties”
LMAO…
@Imperfect,
This entire comment is freakin hilarious.
@Imperfect,
Yeah the burn moment was killer.
@Imperfect,
lol, both of these stories are hilarious and disturbing, exactly like tiny cottle’s hair
@Imperfect,
Ok, I just read this again. What was so magical about spatulas that you thought “This metal don’t conduct no heat!!!” Like is there something about the enchanted shape of a spatula that screams “INSULATOR” to you?
Bwahahaha!
LMAO. U kilt me @ oodle her noodle. It’s too early for this!
I had a “thank GOD you’re pretty” just a few weeks ago. Man it’s embarassing to admit, but I will.
When me and my dude first started dating, we were going through the lil get to know you phase.
Him: What time is it there?
Me: 11:00 and you?
Him: 10:00, we’re an hour behind u, ya know.
Me: I didn’t know that….. wow, we’re not even that far.
***** speed up to the dumb moment and I am forgetting exactly what I said, but he gave me the blank stare through the phone*****
Me: So I guess you get to enjoy sunshine a little longer than me? Like it sticks around until about 9- or 10:00?
Oh and there’s this time as a kid, I wanted to see what happened when I stuck a KIX up my nose.
Duh, it got stuck! I was panicking trying to get it out.. I didn’t want to tell my mama.
@Nicki Sunshine,
I stuck a small Lego up my nose when I was 5. My mom had to take me to the ER because I pushed it up too far when I was trying to get it out. 3 people had to pin me down while the doctor pulled it out with a tweezer-esque instrument.
@Nicki Sunshine,
so you’re doing the long distance thing? haven’t you learned anything from vsb and sh*t?????
@The Champ,
Dont be tryna be the dank, murky blanket on her 600 thread count sheets of joy, Champie!
@Luvvie, Thank you Luvvie!
@The Champ, LOL. leave her alone, maybe it works for her.
as for me and my house, i lost 2 yrs of my life to a long distance situation. sad thing is i knew it wouldn’t work, but i had this bright idea to go against my gut cause clearly what i was doing wasn’t working.smh.
@overit, I totally understand.. I had a long distance one in Maryland and it was a NOOOO, from the start but I stuck in…
My current bf is in grad school and I’m in school… in a year after we’re both done, we plan to close that gap.
@Nicki Sunshine, thanks:) i know it def works for some ppl, it just takes BOTH people giving a d*mn lol.
yay! i wish you the best:)
@overit, Thank you so much. I really appreciate that.
@Nicki Sunshine,
LDR-ers UNITE!!
It just takes dedication on both parts. It can work.
@Ms. Sula, I agree. It can work… Trust is the key.
@The Champ, It’s working out perfectly. **sticks tongue out ***
@Nicki Sunshine,
lol, i’m playin with you. good luck and sh*t
@The Champ, I know you are hon. Thanks
@The Champ, i don’t like you one bit.
Eh… I’ve been a smarty art chick ever since I was ‘lil pgh muse… I only started acting stoopit in my late teens early 20′s… and I blame those moments on the A-A-A-A-A-A-Alcohol (:-D lurve that song) and bad influences… not necessarily naivete.
@pgh muse,
and I blame those moments on the A-A-A-A-A-A-Alcohol (:-D lurve that song
me too, actually. also, i had no idea that was jamie foxx until i youtubed it just now
@The Champ,
“me too, actually. also, i had no idea that was jamie foxx until i youtubed it just now”
A new Champ “DUH” moment to add to your list.
One of my more recent “DUH” moments was actually on here. When I first started commenting, I didn’t know yall were using “chex” to describe doin the do. Somebody had expressed their disdain for two guys having “chex”. And I said something along the lines of “What’s wrong with 2 friends having cereal together? I like Chex! It’s good!”
One of yall set me straight. After lol-ing of course.
@nia,
OMG.. I am in tears.
And you need to go sat yo azz down in the corner facing the wall for that one.
@nia,
lol, i remember this. chex (i think) is one of the hostess’s inventions
@The Champ,
Awww, you member?
*single tear*
Champ don’t feel bad, you were a boy at the time. Let me tell what happened to me just a mere 3 or so years ago.
We have a television where my boys are allowed to have friends over to watch television. I have a strict rule of food is only to be eaten in the kitchen or dining. No exceptions. Well no exception for the kids. It ain’t their business what my husband I do with the whip cream, chocolate syrup and strawberries in the confines of our personal living space. But that’s not what we are talking about is it? But yeah, no food outside of the kitchen. But you know my son is an idiot. A rather smart idiot that presently attends Mich State and will hopefully become an
aerospace engineerrocket scientists like his grandfather one day. Sorry I veered off topic again.But anyway, uh, one evening I was down in the sub-den looking for…I can’t remember what I was looking for…I was looking for something and I was not wearing my glasses nor my contacts. Whatever it was I was looking for could have been under the couch because I kneeled down and ran my hand along the floor at the edge of the couch. To my dismay I felt something and pulled it out and it was wrapper that looked quite similar to that in your entry. I immediately from the looks of the package thought it was a condom wrapper. Remember no corrective lenses at the time. And the fact that my 20 year old son is the father of a son himself so… But yeah, at first glance I was fooled by the appearance along with the fact that my son is a complete idiot.
After being so relieved that it was not a condom wrapper I didn’t bother to say anything to him about having food outside of the kitchen.
My husband and I later had a good laugh about it though. I think the package was chicken flavor.
@Raqi, LOL.
@Raqi,
i guess the question is, why are those packages so similar? is there a conspiracy to turn us all into food paraphiliacs?
@Raqi,
Chicken flavor is my FAVORITE in the ramen noodles. Is that cliche?
@Luvvie, No, it’s real. I think the bigger problem is how happy I was when I realized that there are like 30 different varieties, and like 20 of them involve chicken.
@Luvvie,
They all taste the same to me.
@Voiceofreason,
You buggin! Oriental is at least 36X superior to the beef.
@Me fail english?,
LOL Black people will eat chicken in any form!!
@Voiceofreason,
No ma’am!!!!!
That hot and spicy flavor goes hard.
my life is full of bonehead moments…..
starting off….with zippin up my pants too fast……
cartoons wasn’t *that* important
i think i done blanked out the duh moments of teenagedom…..
“starting off….with zippin up my pants too fast……”
I think all little boys make this mistake at least once in their life.
…frank and beans!!!!
@AkShone,
you know, i never have.
***vigorously knocking on wood***
@The Champ,
We do not need to know what you are doing at work under your desk.
@nia,
Zing!
LMBO!!!
@nia, aha! (say it like jada kiss) lol.
Good ol’ Skinamax huh? How many Emanuelle movies were there? I know I remember watching more than a few.
Oodles of Noodles? *crying*
@miss t-lee,
at least 25. thats not even including the emmanuelle in space series
@The Champ,
Sadly…I’ve seen a few of the Space ones…lol
I have many duh moments and they usually happen when I’m on vacation because my mind really goes on vacation (I’m actually a really bright person):
A few years ago my friends and I went on the TJMS cruise. This was my first time going and I was just excited about a bunch of grown black folks all together without any ‘mess’. We get on the elevator and the carpet said ‘Saturday’. So throughout the day we’re riding elevators and finally I proclaim to my friends ‘I can’t believe we keep riding the same elevator – I wonder where the elevators with the other days of the week are’
They burst out laughing, like ‘Fool! TODAY is Saturday, you won’t see the Sunday elevators until tomorrow!’
We still laugh about that…
@Tazzee, OMG I am in tears. Literally.
Okay I guess my “duh” moment would be the dreaded day in every child’s life when you realize that Santa’s been dead for years and Mom and Dad are some filthy, effin liars!!!
It all started on Christmas Day ’90. Despite writing a rather detailed letter (young Me Fail had a penchant for letter writing even in her youth) stipulating that my Hammer Doll come with the pink suit instead of the gold, I still got the gold Hammer Pants. Hmmmm. No mother, I’m almost Santa couldn’t have run out of gold lame. But if you insist…
Wait, what might this be? A Fisher Price Microwave? I specifically asked for the Fisher Price electric can opener. After first attempting to convince me that I “forgot” what I wrote in the letter (and pined for 2months!), my mother being the know-it-all (and black woman) that she is tells me that if I don’t want it she’ll just send it to Harlem where the kids would kill for a Fisher Price microwave. I shut my trap and disregard the errors.
Fast-forward to Christmas Eve ’91. I’m chasing my sister around the house and Lo! What do we find but gifts? But they’re from Santa!(My face went from surprise…) In the basement?!(…to befuddlement…) On Christmas Eve? (…to disappointment…)
To which my sister says “You so stupid! Why you think Ma and Santa have the same handwriting and wrapping paper…Stupid!”
I mean we all gotta find out some way, but my parents didn’t even try that hard. Same wrapping paper??? And Santa only eats the cookies Daddy likes? FOH!
@Me fail english?,
wait *sobbing uncontrollably*….Santa is dead????
Wait, what might this be? A Fisher Price Microwave? I specifically asked for the Fisher Price electric can opener. After first attempting to convince me that I “forgot” what I wrote in the letter (and pined for 2months!)
LMBO!!!!!!!!!!!! you are a trip girlfriend.
@Me fail english?,
@Me fail english?,
LMAO. lol.
@Me fail english?,
iDied (c) Luvvie.
You know how you get free samples of things in the mail? Well, when I was 7 years old, we got this sample in the mail. I was the one who grabbed the mail that day cause I saw a cute little blue bottle with a teddy bear on it, and I knew that if I didn’t snag it before an adult got to it, I wouldn’t get to keep it.
Of course I could read, but I didn’t bother to read the label, because I JUST KNEW it was bubble bath. So, I hid it in my nightstand until bathtime. I was SO excited to use it cause all I ever got to use for bubbles was Lemon Joy. So I go to draw my bath, all sneaky and sh*t, and proceed to pour the whole bottle into the running water, only to find no bubbles. I waited, thinking it must be some new-fangled, high-falutin’ type of bubbles, but still nothing. Finally, I read what the bottle said. Turns out it was a free sample of Snuggle fabric softener. *sighs*
@RedBeanzNRice,
*Crying*
@RedBeanzNRice,
LOLOL
@RedBeanzNRice
::sniggering::
Yes sniggering and not snickering
@V R enee,
“Yes sniggering and not snickering”
I know, I know – I was an ignant child, lol.
@ least you can blame it on being young and inexperienced. Me I’ve been called one of the best strait men in the business.
Anyway one particularly regular romping session. She started squeezing it and made it juicy for me. So on another chilli dog session I said, ‘hey do that thing where you squeeze it and make it juicy.’ She blurted, ‘ninja I was coming.’ And we gafaued over and over and over about it.
@WuDaMan,
__________
@WuDaMan,
*falls out of chair*
I’m so done….
@WuDaMan, This story seems really, really dirty somehow. Maybe it’s the use of the phrase “chili dog session”. Either way, I’m both amused and a little unsettled.
@Kindred Smile,
“Maybe it’s the use of the phrase “chili dog session”. ”
New VSB code phrase for s3x.
@nia,
What people can’t get toghter for a chilli dog or two? The Champ calls it that but…
@nia, New VSB code phrase for s3x.
or not? lol.
@overit,
shshsshsh don’t tell.
btw your story… I have no words not even any made up ones.
@WuDaMan,
Oh snap after re reading my entry. I see that this shyt here is completely ambiguous. *cues Prince’s “Controversey”* For reals she could have been takin care of my sandwich or ‘The hot dog.’
BTB has anyone heard that new prince tripple disk yet?
@WuDaMan,
Please burn my remains and discard the ashes over the Pacific.
Thanks,
Sula’s soul.
@WuDaMan, *crickets*
LOL champ, good story. I was always pretty naïve when it comes to sex myself, but that’s the way it should be when ur a kid. But anywho, one of my most retarded duh moments, had nothing to do with sex, just my general retardedness and fleeting illiteracy. So one day I was looking at this sign and it had the word “menus” on it, and I was baffled I really didn’t recognize the word and preceded to try and sound it out repeatedly (note I was a jr in college when this happened and not say 8 yrs old or some other age that might make this story acceptable). In my head I was like “what the crap is a ma-noo? men-us? why is it on this sign? Is it a different language? Why is everything else written in english? ma-nooos, what could it be? Why don’t I know this word, I’m on the deans list? This must be a typo.” So I give up, accept defeat and walk away. 5 mins later it dawns on me that the word was menus, and I belong on the short bus. Good job idiot, lol.
@PrincesMo,
LOL, damn. how old were you when this happened?
@The Champ,
that was like 2 yrs ago so i was like 21, i couldnt believe how retarded that situation was, sometimes I just slip into complete jessica simpson mode lol
@PrincesMo,
Don’t feel bad. I can’t help but to read “therapist” as that guy who steals sex. Instead of realizing it’s only one word, the lack of a space between the words only makes me read it really, really fast.
Okay… mine isn’t a “duh” story so much as its a “pay attention” story. Hang on kids… Imma tell you where Stifler got the idea to put one over on Finch.
So when I was younger, my parents and I took road trips everywhere. I always got the admonition–” go to the bathroom now, your father only stops for gas. ”
So one weekend, me and my two play cousins were with my parents going to Niagra Falls. At the last rest stop I had gotten a obscenely large Sprite and drank that sucker like it was the Water of Life. Naturally, Mother Nature did her thing and my bladder began to hate me, and thus I began to hate my father for wanting to make time. Luckily, because he had other people’s children in the car, he heard my pleas and stopped at the next rest stop.
We get there and they have a McDonald’s. This was one of those ones that doesen’t have doors on the bathrooms, but those convoluted snake like openings. I was so blinded by the urge to pee that I ripped through the McDonald’s and into the nearest opening at 50 mph, failing to take in certain things about my surroundings.
I get in there, run into the stall and feel RELIEF. Releif turns to confusion when I hear my play cousins talking to each other (did I mention they are boys?). Yep, ya girl ran into the MEN’S ROOM to pee.
So I decided to just wait until they leave before I exit , while planning a way in my head to make it look like I was really coming out of the ladies’ room– and not be seen by anyone else. Well, a bus trip must have stopped there because all of a sudden, that bathroom was mighty busy. So I’m sitting in the stall waiting an ETERNITY for the bathroom to empty, so I can leave.
Of course, my parents and cousin’s are wondering where the heck I am… they need to get going! They must have been looking for me some kinda hard and getting worried because I hear my full name come over the rest area PA system that I should meet my parents at the Information Kiosk.
Well now its do or die. I don’t want to unnecessarily worry my parents, but there is NO WAY Imma have fiddy-leven people watch my tween self walk out of the Men’s Room. But I gotta go. If I make them wait and they figure it out, I will have a whuppin coming as well for making them worry.
So, I suck it up, gather myself and stride quickly out of the bathroom. Some dude looks at me and shouts “Hey Sir!! Is this your missing daugher! Yeah, she just came out of the men’s room!!”
There was an audience of AT LEAST 75 people who were snickering while they watched me make that sheepish walk toward my parents who had a look of amusment, embarrassment and anger on their faces… and my cousins who were pointing and laughing MERCILESSLY.
Its been 18 years… i still ain’t lived that one down.
i’m still stuck on “play cousins” LOL
@blackberry molasses, LOL too funny.
My dad was like that when it came to traveling and I remember once my brother that is 2 years younger and drank an excessive amount of soda and had to go during a trip. My dad yelled at him and said “pee in a bottle”. We had one of those gawd awful ugly conversion vans. They were pretty cool make then because we were one of the first families among my friends to have a tv in the vehicle. My brother was sitting in the furthest seat to the back and all of a sudden we heard the fierceful trickle of water against a hollow piece of glass. My dad came to an abrupt upon hearing it and guess what happened to the bottle. He dropped it. Pee in the carpet. That was a duh moment for my dad I guess.
@blackberry molasses,
Honey, I did this when I was grown.Work was having its annual Thanksgiving party at a sports bar/game center. After the bumper car game, I went to the bathroom. I check the mirror. Then go into a stall. Next thing ya know, I hear a guy’s voice…he’d just walked in and was on the phone.
Me (from the stall, in an indignant tone): Um…excuse me. You’re in the ladies room.
Another guy’s voice (from the stall; the voice is vaguely familiar): oh my god. V.E.G.? You’re in the men’s room!
Me (finishing up and rushing out the stall): Nooo..
Then I notice the wall of urinals.
I wash my hands and exit. Everyone got a good laugh and tried to roast me but I turned the tables by letting everyone know Johnny, who recognized and outted me, was in the stall. So they knew what he was doing. He then became the roastee. lol.
LOL @ your friend calling you out from the stall!!!
but i admit, this has happened to me too. in HS. i was in suuuuch a rush to get to the bathroom after class let out for break because i’d ripped a hole in my pants near my crotchal region. so i hurried to check out the damage. come out the stall and notice 2 dudes (neither of whom i knew) at the urinals. i froze, let out a soft squeal of embarrassment and dash out hoping no one notices me leaving the boys bathroom.
a few minutes later, at one of the snack carts where i was waiting in line for a pretzel, one of the dudes (who was not cute btw) from the bathroom comes up to me and asks me for my number. *blank stare* i thought: “he must be remedial”
@iloV.E.G.rits,
lmao@ Johnny getting thrown under the bus! That’ll teach him to “two” in public!
@iloV.E.G.rits,
Oh nooooo!! LOL I do like how u turned the tables on him though.
Obviously, I’m having a blonde moment right now because I can’t think of anything at the moment. And I’m scrunching my face up hard trying to think of something, because I know there’s something. This is gonna bother me all day. I’ll be back when I come up with something.
Oh, and I was cracking up that the ramen noodle seasoning pack happened to be beef. There’s a pause in there somewhere, I’m thinking…
@Cheekie,
Oh, and I was cracking up that the ramen noodle seasoning pack happened to be beef. There’s a pause in there somewhere, I’m thinking…
its my goal to put at least one double entendre in every entry
@The Champ,
I’ve noticed.
All my duh moments came at the age of 8. In that year alone, I stuck an army man in my nose and it got stuck and I ended up in the emergency room, i tried to shave and ended up in the emergency room with a gash above my lip. I also shaved off my eyebrows and broke my jaw in pee wee football. I guess i realized i wasnt invincible
@Peyso is no longer confused about twitter,
How the heck did you figure out twitter?
LMAO! you killin me w/ the stuff that happened @ 8 yrs old.
@WuDaMan, i didnt figure it out. i just write shiznic on there
@Peyso is no longer confused about twitter,
But Peyso, why in the world did you shave your eyebrows?
@RedBeanzNRice,
To look like Whoopi Goldberg. Her purposeful facial alopecia brings all the boys to the View
@Luvvie,
*snickers* You are a fool.
@Peyso is no longer confused about twitter,
Dude, I was Missy Smart-Aleck, know-it-all… who didn’t like to ask about stuff and wanted to figure it out on her own (still working on this one)…
I had come down with an throat infection of some sorts and was on some antibiotics. Now, my dad is a stickler for health and does not play with things like that. Mini Sula was very non-organized and didn’t like remembering stuff that was not fun to do…
So one day, I forgot to take my 3 pills during the day. So now, it’s after dinner time and Daddy Sula is asking all of us about the status of our treatments (did you take your meds today, did you have your fish oil capsule Yuck-o!, did you, did you)… anyways, so it just dawns on me I forgot to take my meds all day! D’oh! I sneakily run to the meds cabinet and in my light bulb way of thinking decides it will be the smart thing to do to take the 3 pills all at once, so I can say with a straight face that I took them all (Daddy’s a psychologist, lying to him was damn near impossible. Ugh!)…
So gulp, gulp, down they go. It must have been parental instinct or something…
Dad: did you take your meds?
Me: why yes!
(for some odd reason he asks): how many did you take?
Mini Sula (trying to push the lying moment as far as possible) : 3
Dad: all at once?
Mini Sula (sheepishly): ….errr…yes.
Then pandemonium broke loose. My mother was almost crying, we rush to the hospital with my older cousin giving me horrifying tales of a tube going through my oesophagus or a!nus to rinse out the substance… *smh*
Thank god when we got to the ER, the doctor said I didn’t need a stomach rinse and should just be monitored and drink lots of fluids….
Yeah, mini Sula was scared sh*tless…. Hummm, might be why I HATE meds so much.
In my ceaseless quest to be declared Parent of the Year, I’m just gonna go ahead and post about The Spawn’s most hilarious “duh” moment.
Any mother of a girl child will reach the point where you realize that there is no such thing as “personal belongings,” and if you are under the delusion that you have any, it’s only because those things aren’t currently her style, size, or fashion (yet). This is especially true when it comes to toiletries and cosmetics.
Now, the Spawn has delicate skin, so I buy her extra mild soaps and things to compensate. Nevertheless, she routinely sneaks into my restroom to pilfer the good soaps with the fancy smells, and she thinks she’s getting away with it.
One night, she nabbed a bottle of what she thought was shower gel, since I had several bottles under my sink. So there I was, watching House, minding my ownself’s business, when I hear a bloodcurdling shriek that shatters my solitude and several vases. Seriously. My cochlea curled under.
Anyway, I rush up the stairs, certain that the child was either birthing a piano or being stabbed to death. I get there to find her crying, fanning herself, and scrubbing furiously.
Unfortunately for her, the bottles were actually personal massage gels, favors left over from my bridal shower. REALLY unfortunately for her, they were the kind with a “warming sensation.”
@Nikiloveli,
lolol. Has she pilfered since?
@iloV.E.G.rits,
Girl, It’s a neverending battle. I was complaining to my mother about it, and she remained stone silent until I finally asked why. Her reply: “Are those my earrings?”
Busted.
@nikiloveli,
lol. It goes both ways though. My mom thiefs all types of stuff from me. Photos, CDs, jeans. She stole a fleece jacket of mine and had the nerve to straight up deny it! She didn’t notice my company’s logo embroidered on the left breast ’til I pointed it out. She still won’t give back the jacket.
@nikiloveli,
lmao!!!!!!
@nikiloveli,
Bwahaha! My mom was visiting last year in August… And there I was getting ready for an outing. So I come over to show her the final effect, and my usually talkative mom is rather pensive and face all scrunched up… “Where did you get that clutch? It looks exactly like my old one. ” *extends hand to take a closer look* “It IS my old one!”
Yup, I had schemed with my baby sister to pack unbeknownst to the mother, all the clutches she was no longer using… Makes for a great “vintage” collection!
What will my closet be without those “borrowings”?
@Nikiloveli,
aaahahahaaaaaa Let that be a lesson.
@Nikiloveli, LMAO as someone with sensitive skin, I can only imagine her pain. Totally not worth it – I hope she’s seen the error of her ways
@Kindred Smile,
Chile, yes. School pads are nothing! She spent the next 20 mins or so sitting on one that I ripped the cotton out of and replaced with ice.
Just call me Mommy MacGyver.
@Nikiloveli, she sounds like my sister!
lmao @ “My cochlea curled under” and u referring to your child as “The Spawn”.
loved it.
@Nikiloveli,
I think she learned a lesson that day…lol
@Nikiloveli,
po’ thang… but that’s what she get for pilfering mama’s things.
@Nikiloveli, LMAO…poor baby!!!… on a side note that stuff bout turned my body inside out with pain one time when my bf thought he’d try something “special” one day. Apparently I’m a tad sensitive myself.
Oh wait oh wait oh wait!!! I have one!!! Like two years ago i was trying to figure out another word for appetizer to put on a menu and in my mind I was thinking WOW!! There are three words for appetizer… hors d’oeuvres, appetizers, and hors d’oeuvres… except i thought that hors d’oeuvres was a completely separate word and pronunciation than hors d’oeuvres… like i thought one was pronounced phonetically and the other was the french one and they were two separate words for the same thing… so that was a big DUH moment… this was around the same time that i found out that conversate isn’t really a word in the english language
@pgh muse,
lol, this is a great endorsement for pittsburgh public schools
@The Champ, hahaha… i know. It’s turrble.
I have “duh” moments all. the. time. Case in point, from the time my daughter was born until she was about 15 months old, I carried her fat @ss everywhere in her car seat. Now, this may not seem like a big deal, but we’re talking at least 30 awkward pounds of baby+blankets+seat in addition to a diaper bag and a big winter coat for both of us (I hate Chicago sometimes). Then one day, I thought to myself, “This would be so much easier if I could just push her around somehow…like, on wheels, but in a basket”.
Another mom chose that exact moment to walk by with a stroller.
I bought one the next day.
@Kindred Smile,
“This would be so much easier if I could just push her around somehow…like, on wheels, but in a basket”.
Bwahahahaha!!
@Kindred Smile, LMBAO! you are a fool, this is so Amelia Bedelia-ish.
http://www.edutopia.org/images/graphics/Amelia_Bedilia.gif
@overit,
I love you for the Amelia Bedelia reference. That was one loopy broad.
@Kindred Smile,
Lol.
This sounds like the team I was about to make canned corned beef for the first time. In my heathen-like anticipation I ripped, clawed and banged the can mercilessly to obtain its sweet, sweet contents.
After much frustration, I turned to my brother-in-law in exasperation to say “I wish they made a special opener for these cans!” To which he replied “They do. It’s the first thing you threw in the garbage”
He’s an a-hole for watching me throw it out.
@Me fail english?,
bwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah
@Me fail english?,
Bwahahahaha!
I know that frustration.
I was trying to open a can of sardines the other day and couldn’t find the damn little key. Ugh!
@Kindred Smile,
This just made me smile. lol.
And because I love to share tales of embarassment, I’ll divulge my ignorance related to all things chexytime.
My first time was horrific and painful, mainly because I didn’t know that the manpiece was supposed to go inside anywhere – I thought they were just supposed to sort of rub and smoosh together and that was it. So not only did I fully believe that he was trying to kill me during the act, I knew in my heart of hearts that if I somehow lived, I would be barren the rest of my days.
Obviously, I was wrong on both counts, but I still shudder when I think of how much I just didn’t know.
@Kindred Smile,
“I didn’t know that the manpiece was supposed to go inside anywhere – I thought they were just supposed to sort of rub and smoosh together and that was it.”
lololol with tears.
@Kindred Smile,
LOL!! so this was before you took Sex Ed. in school?….
@N.I.A. fabuloussince82…., No, it definitely was after. I wasn’t that fast, LOL. But all I remembered from Chex Ed was the little soldier marching for the egg – somehow, I never got the nitty gritty details.
oh me oh my!!! lmbo
i don’t really have that many DUH moments (with a mother who’s extra liberal with insults/slaps i learned to pick and choose carefully when to open my mouth), but this one… lord.
i was in 7th grade biology class and we were learning about the animal kingdom. cos i looooooooved the sound o f my own and whatnot, i volunteered to read out loud. as i went along reading the chapter, i stumbled across the word “organism”. i guess chex ed from 6th grade bio was still in my head, cos tell me why i confidently read, “the orgasm is found at many different levels within the ecosystem”. even after my midget-harry-potter-doppelganger-lisp-having teacher corrected my a$$, i kept reading the word as “orgasm” over and over again.
of course, all the stupid white chicks in my class kept laughing and only told me about my mistake during lunch time. dang, i didn’t even know what an orgasm was..
@puff,
“the orgasm is found at many different levels within the ecosystem”.
You know what? At least the sentence still made sense….
A poignant moment…
Sophomore Max: dang, I can’t seem to get a girl to gimmie some!
Platonic friend with the nice bubble: well, Max, have you ever asked for some?
S.M. ponders, then the light bulb comes on…
“so um, wanna knock boots?”
Platonic friend laughs out a “no.”
@maximillian,
Great effort S.M.
next time try palming that bubble or a tiddie whilest asking. (the Devient aproach is worth a shot)
EVOO – For awhile I thought this was some sort of mythical product that was the solution to EVERYTHING related to hair/skin care. I kept hearing people talk about it, and I was thinking to myself, d@mn I wonder where I can get some of this magical hair product. I don’t recall seeing it at Sally’s or the Chinese hair store.
Ummmm yeah apparently it’s Extra Virgin Olive Oil.
I just found this out last week.
I went to my kitchen, grabbed a bottle and went to work.
@V R enee,
LMBAO!!!!
@V R enee,
Clearly you have not been watching your “30 minutes meals” faithfully!
Lol!
It took me a while but I remembered one.
As a youngster, I was what the old folks call “mannish.”
In about the second grade, I met a young woman who was “fast.” Every day in after school daycare, we would sit in a corner of our library and explore each other’s private parts under the table.
I was consistently confused about why my man part always got “hard” while hers remained soft. I was convinced this was a weakness on my part and I was alwyas promise myself that tomorrow would be the day I conquered this “hard” problem.
I never succeeded.
@Big Man,
*giggling*
@Big Man,
that’s funny….
@Big Man,
lololol.
A mannish boy and a fast girl…match made in heaven.
@Big Man,
I was gonna laugh at this, but then I realized I have a second grader…
…who’s a boy….
…who goes to after school care…
….EVERYDAY…
….AND it’s in the library.
Sh!t.
@nia,
It goes DOWN in the library. I remember my before-school care was in the library in first grade. So my two besties, who happened to be wise and mature second graders, are going on and on about their “periods”. Of course I had to ask “what’s a period?” And these two worthless bishes start up with the “OMG! OMG! You don’t know what a period is? My mom gave me my period when I was like 3 years old. OMG! You still don’t even know what it is? Hahahah!”
I went home and asked my mom. And if I recall correctly, I was mad at her for the rest of the day because obviously, she not only had no idea what it was and was sellin me a bill of goods (bleeding so you can make babies? Gimme a break. You got a bridge you wanna sell me too?! *rolls eyes*) but she refused to give up the goods! Stingy!
@Me fail english?,
I am dying. DYING.
@iloV.E.G.rits,
Me and you both… Oh my god, this here sh!t’s hilarious!! I am dead.
@nia,
ehehehehe I take it you missed my nap time in kindergarten story. lol
@Big Man,
**BBMo reminisces and realizes she was in fact, a fast little girl.
**
@Big Man
Hold up wait!! Boys can get erections that young??
@V R enee,
That’s what I’m sayin!!!! My child is gettin woodies??? Laaaawd noooo!!!! *wall slide*
When I pick him up today, I got somethin for them lil fast azz girls!!
“Attention all lil fast girls up in this library!! Keep yo gotdam hands off my baby’s schlong! You hear me??? You! You over there! Wit the Hannah Montana barrettes! Wit yo lil fast azz. You LOOK triflin! Who wears socks with lace??? What are you, a hooker in trainin???? Wit yo lil fast azz!!”
@nia,
Sometimes I think mothers of boys are even more protective than fathers of girls
@nia,
“You over there! Wit the Hannah Montana barrettes! Wit yo lil fast azz. You LOOK triflin! Who wears socks with lace??? What are you, a hooker in trainin???? Wit yo lil fast azz!!”
***TEARS***
But I feel you. My baby is only 7 months, and I’m already giving li’l heffas the side eye. I’m just sayin…why she gotta be wearing them Huggies so tight, though?
@Nikiloveli,
LOL!!! Thank you!
@nia,
“Attention all lil fast girls up in this library!! Keep yo gotdam hands off my baby’s schlong! You hear me??? You! You over there! Wit the Hannah Montana barrettes! Wit yo lil fast azz. You LOOK triflin! Who wears socks with lace??? What are you, a hooker in trainin???? Wit yo lil fast azz!!”
Ok, iQuit all of the VSS’s and VSB’s posse today. iCan’t. And thanks Luvvie for spreading Steve Jobs empire.
iAmDone.
@nia
I quit you and Nikiloveli!
@nia,
LMAO @ all of this. iCant w/ yall 2day for real. No I take that back. iCant with ALL of yall this entire week.
@Big Man,
I literally laughed out loud…
So did you ever conquer your “hard” problem???
@Ms. Sula,
Nah, I still got that problem…
And, as the father of two little boys, little boys can get hard as babies. And they are fascinated by this even then.
She was a little fast girl. I met quite a few little fast girls. Little girls were always the ones that wanted to play house and wanted to show you exactly how to kiss and where to touch them. I was just along for the ride…
Damn, since we’re doing aunt flo stories in here let me tell mine.. I was in the 6th grade, I already had boobs.. working with a 36C by that time so the boys were always snapping my bra ((boo all the guys in here who did that.. curses to your penis’) anywho I am sitting in class at my Catholic School and I get a funny little feeling down there, feels a little wet, I thought I’d pee myself but I knew I didn’t. At first i didn’t pay it anymind.. I just let it go, I started feeling cramping pain and went to the bathroom sure enough I became a woman.. After school mom came to pick up my cousins who were in 1st and 2nd grade, and I told her.. in her loudest booming HAITIAN VOICE she says
SOOOOO NOW YOU CAN GET PREG-A-NANT!! HEY HEY.. MY BAYBEE HAS HER PERIOD!! Imagine my humiliation.. and in front of ruben.. ((my crush)) DUH moment.. NEVER tell your haitian MOTHER ANYTHING IN FRONT OF STRANGERS.. MORTIFICATION WILL SOON FOLLOW!!
@Liryc,
BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Oh noooo! Yeah My Mom is SUPER loud too. African Diasporans can’t whisper for NOTHING!
another one:
my senior year of college, the “chi-chi man” song by t.o.k. was probably one of the two or three hottest club tracks that year. the chorus was pretty catchy, and i used to walk around campus, humming or singing it to myself.
this all came to a halt one day when i realized that the chorus, roughly translated, is basically saying “we will find all homosexuals and burn them to the death when we do”. this kind of took the fun out of saying the words. damn patois.
@The Champ,
I used to go heel-toe crazy when this song came on. And when I found out its meaning, my heel-toe turned into a pigeon toe of sadness
@Luvvie,
I think I ruined the song for you. Cuz I remember telling you while you were dancing to it. Not sure if you knew before then. If I killed the dance within, I am sorry. But I had to let ya know.
@iloV.E.G.rits,
Yes. You were the green-eyed monster that told me bout what the song meant. My ignorance was in music bliss b4 I knew how turrble the lyrics were
@Luvvie,
Okay, “pigeon toe of sadness” just reminded me of my own “duh” moment.
Okay, so why did young Nikiloveli think that the term “camel toe” was somehow comparable with pigeon-toed? Until I finally asked one of my boys. “I don’t get it…what kind of walk makes her camel toed?” I was picturing some lumbering gait that lead from the knees. Yeaaaah…I was 15.
@The Champ,
lol. Imagine this gay dude’s embarassment when we had to translate it for him. Dancehall music easily has some of the most ignant lyrics you’ll ever want to hear.
Wait that’s a lie. Bass and crunk are also strong contenders.
@The Champ,
*sniggling*
Beez’s life is a continuum of “duh” moments:
Wondering why all the boys in 4th grade giggle at the terms “pencil” and “pencil sharpener”
The “Monopoly Potty Break of Doom” at age 11, which began my foray into womanhood, leading everyone in my family to look and sigh at me for the next week- what, is there something on my face? I STILL can’t play that game without repressed memories!
My mother, scaring me into virginity throughout adolecence, all because she had her first at 16 and swore any woman spawn she had would not suffer the same fate:
“Don’t get too comfortable holding them babies, you ain’t havin one.”
“Whatchu talkin to them boys for, all they want is to get you pregnant.”
Just a few weeks ago, I questioned the existence of continual, late night secks with my best guy friend, who knows of my general (lack of) knowledge in this area, and he goes, “Well, of course it’s not ALL night, you gotta rest a bit, lay in it, and-”
Me: “Lay in what? Huh? ”
Him: “———-, uhhh, never mind.”
I still haven’t found out what “it” is. Duhh?
@Beez,
Come here gurl. Let’s take a walk. You need THE talk.
When a man and a woman
lovelust for each other, they sometimes choose to do the backwards boogie, or the southside slippery slide, if you will. And when they do (it well), some liquids are… how can I say this…squirtedexpunged from their nether regions. After said romp session is over, there can be some spots with the clues of this unholy session.THAT is what “IT” is.*
*bows* This talk will cost you 4 bowls of rice. Please messenger them to me ASAP.
*And I read this all in a book. I wouldnt know bout it *looks shiftily*
@Luvvie,
I don’t do wet spots. Nah, dude. That’s YOUR side.
Also, I don’t think that was the “it” he was referring to, either.
***coughlovepocketcough***
Rice Revoked!
@Luvvie,
Aaah!! My eyes!!!
This is what I missed out on by being the first girl in the family- yep, all guy cousins and junk until me…
Can I let you use my link for the rice? You can just get a whole box or sumthin… and some orange juice.
I saw that shifty look too- you ain’t slick! I call shenanigans!
*closing this window out before her client comes back so she can appear to be a competent tax preparer*
I dont have a “duh” momet of myself, but a friend of mine… seriously. A friend. NOT ME LOL.
For some reason we were sittin around talking about all the different kinds of beans… so we’re like “kidney”, “pinto”, etc… and my girl busts out with “porkin”
*blink blink*
She thought it was “porkin beans” not “Pork AND beans”