With all the talk about Tiger and his inability to keep his cub in his pants, cheating has become front page news across the nation. Now, given his status in life, money, and the prevalence of cheating, I suppose we could reasonably expect that he would have strayed at some point and that his wife probably knew about it but just didn’t want to read about in the tabloids or she’d go all 9-Iron on his buttocks.
But really, cheating isn’t limited to the rich and powerful; according to most statistics nearly EVERYBODY is cheating. I decided to do a little surfing and found these statistics on infidelity:
• 55% to 75% of men (married and single) cheat on their mates.
• female infidelity has increased 50% in the past 10 years and is fast approaching the rate of male infidelity.
• 45-55% of married women and 50-60% of married men engage in extramarital sex at some point during their marriage
• 60% of the people in one study, who admitted to cheating on their mate, said their partner did not know about their affair.
Now actual stats vary by site, but one that that’s constant is that folks are really having trouble keeping it in their pants – or out of their pants. There’s lots of pants parties going on, is the main bullet point to take away from those bullets. The one glaring stat is that more than half of EVERYBODY are cheating on their spouses or significant others, but that doesn’t really stop anybody from getting into relationships.
But HALF?!?! So more than 50 percent of marriages end in divorce and more than 50 percent of people in relationships participate in outside booty play. It’s no wonder there are so many more single people running amok causing articles to be written about “the man/woman” ratio. Getting into a relationship today just seems like you’re asking for drama further down the line. It’s like trying to turn a ho into a housewife, you hope for the best but you pretty much know how it’s going to end.
Or do you?
Now, I’ve been cheated on by AT LEAST two girlfriends. One actually asked me if her ex could stay the night at her spot because he just got back in town from like Beirut or some place where ninjas fight a lot. I couldn’t believe she had the audacity to ask me so I said, “the fact that you’re asking makes me think that you think its okay. I’m not your daddy, do what you feel.” I broke up with her shortly after because I was sure she’d strayed. She did and copped to it two years later. Which wouldn’t have been so bad except she called me to tell me this during the initial network run of The Temptations Movie. I was like, “you called me to tell me THAT during THIS MOVIE? I already knew you cheated on me. Why do you think I broke up with you?”
The other one was just a garden variety ho.
And yet, after those two instances, I got RIGHT back into other relationships. And never once thought about the fact that my girl might cheat on me, despite stasticis and history indicating that it would indeed happen. I find this odd.
But I like fun so perhaps I’m not like everybody else.
Anyway, I wrote ALL that to say, do you every consider the fact that your man/woman will more than likely cheat on you? Does the likelihood of your significant other cheating have any impact on your desire to date somebody? If you find out that the person you’re interested cheated on somebody prior, does it make you think twice about dealing with them?
Basically, given the stats, how does the likelihood of cheating affect your relationships, if at all?
Do tell.
-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3
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{ 301 comments… read them below or add one }
I don’t know if anyone generally goes into a relationship thinking the other person will eventually cheat on them, but I do believe someone to whom it has happened before would be more hesitant and could possibly have that in the back of their minds. Once bitten, twice shy.
@Bajan Girl, AMEN to that sista. You are so right!!!
Ignoring all substantive inquiries posed in the post for the following activities:
1) adding “pants party” to my vernacular
2) laughing at the following exchange:
“Why do you think I broke up with you?” which was undoubtedly followed closely by, “ain’t nobody comin’ to see you, Otis!”
@Penelope,
‘which was undoubtedly followed closely by, “ain’t nobody comin’ to see you, Otis!”’
*dead*
@Penelope,
““Why do you think I broke up with you?” which was undoubtedly followed closely by, “ain’t nobody comin’ to see you, Otis!””
You da best for that one.
@Penelope and @Panama Jackson,
I CAN’T with The Temptations rant!!! I had a response to the post….but I lost my marbles (and my drink) after I scrolled to that point!!!
Kudos and sh*t
@Penelope, which was undoubtedly followed closely by, “ain’t nobody comin’ to see you, Otis!”
I love that line…LMAO
no I don’t expect my hubby to cheat. Everyone cheats but not in every relationship and at the end of the day I expect what I give out which is loyalty trust and keeping ur dyck confined to my walls…lol that doesn’t mean I believe we will be together forever and I can handle a break up/divorce cause we grow apart etc…but I expect faithfulness until then
@shay-d-lady,
i’m confused. you expect your husband to be loyal, but you don’t expect to be with him forever? what if he strayed b/c he felt y’all were simply “growing apart?”
@SouthernCharm,
In this relationship, he won’t stray because they are “growing apart”… He or she will move on… which I agree with actually.
@Sula, exactly.
I dont know that I believe in mating for life.
I do believe in monogomy and the two are not mutually exclusive. If you want to stray and see whats out there, think we have grown apart or just no longer want to do the relationship, be a grown up and lets talk about it and end it on good terms.
You dont have to cheat when you can leave.
P,
you need to stop with all these relationship posts. “Cage that tiger”, “R.Kelly and Black music”, “35 reasons why”. COME OOON! Y’all have been making it extra hard for a girl in a long-distance relationship!
To my knowledge, I’ve never been cheated on; I trust my SO and I trusted the guy I dated before (they’re both good dudes), but in the back of my head I occasionally wonder…The more I hear these stories
–and read these damn posts–the harder it is to truly believe nothing has ever happened. <– Not a good feeling.I'll keep riding with my faith and trust since I haven't been given a reason to do otherwise…
P,
you guys need to stop with all these relationship posts. “Cage that tiger”, “R.Kelly and Black music”, “35 reasons why”. COME OOON! Y’all have been making it extra hard for a girl in a long-distance relationship!
To my knowledge, I’ve never been cheated on; I trust my SO and I trusted the guy I dated before (they’re both good dudes), but in the back of my head I occasionally wonder…And the more I hear these stories
–and read these damn posts–the harder it is to truly believe nothing has ever happened. <– Not a good feeling.I'll keep riding with my faith and trust since I haven't been given a reason to do otherwise…
@Lili,
I’ll keep riding with my faith and trust since I haven’t been given a reason to do otherwise… <—– Yesah, do that. Don't let the possibilities turn you into a cynic.
@Lili,
Do yourself a favour, and go check out the VSB archives for the article on Long-distance relationship, it’s a real good read…makes you realise you’re doomed either way, with or without these articles…bless you chiled
@Lili,
girl…please don’t let these articles or folk scare you into doubting whether or not LDRs can work…only you and your SO can determine whether or not your relationship will last. don’t let doubt wiggle it’s way into your brain. if your relationship is worth the distance it will last…period. take this from a successful LDR veteran
@Lili,
lol. Girl, what did R. Kelly do??
@Me fail english?,
You ain’t hear? Apparently he killed romance in the Black community and has men looking for hook-ups and crap. I don’t know. It just fit in with all the negative stuff!
As burned out as I am on Tiger/cheating, I’ll say this much: no, I don’t expect it, but I wouldn’t put it past her. People have needs and sh*t. People also get burnt on tolerating just one person’s face and mounds of crap they put ‘em thru.
Maybe it’s time to rethink and revolutionize relationships? (Not like I have any ideas how or anything. OK, maybe I do.) Like for instance, stop marrying? Or at least come off of this impression that her vajayjay/his junk is the S.O.’s property (because they’re gonna lend/rent it out every now and again)? The term “S.O.” even suggests that there are Insignificant Others that complement the Significant Other.
Hell, a lot of what society dictates isn’t necessarily the gospel of how things should be anyway…but that gets into “too deep” territory, so I’ll stop here.
@Stuff Ghetto People Like,
I’ve noticed a theme with your comments on the last few posts…you really don’t believe monogamy is possible, do you? Or you just don’t want to subject yourself (or your lady- how fair of you) to it?
@Lili, of course monogamy is possible, and probable. People just need to cut the high-pressure crap is what I think. That takes away from enjoyment of a relationship.
@Stuff Ghetto People Like,
In the above, are you referring to sexual needs or all needs? Do you think a person has more of a license to seek someone else if it’s a physical need or an emotional one not being met? When did we get to the place where going to the mate to work at getting the void filled by the mate wasn’t the first, second and third options?
@bittersweet’s baby, in order:
-Whatever needs you have, needs are needs.
-I don’t think there’s any license or justification for going for it. All one has to do is just happen to not give a f*ck when the moment comes.
-It’s like this, folks don’t wanna “live in siiiiiiin” (I had a broad tell me that once) and they swear up and down someone is the one and wanna try and make it work at all costs because they think it’s the right thing to do or the clock’s ticking or whatever, then it gets all deep with a “binding” marriage with no prenup, and then they take the ultimate plunge and have a bunch of kids. All this before they find out that person ain’t down with they *ss like that, that they’re not the go-to person they hoped for, but now they’re stuck….built up all this baggage and killing it to do what makes them happy will be painful, make them look some kinda way, etc. That’s just one scenario, there’s many more.
@Stuff Ghetto People Like,
I never could understan the whole “this is my d**k”, “this is my p***y” mentality. I’ve had women tell me it’s your p***y. Till this day it makes me feel uncomfortable. I don’t want to be owned and I don’t want to own anyone.
@Humble_One,
Really? I find it somewhat sexy.
Take those comments at face value- they are things said “during the act” and very rarely outside of the bedroom (even if they literal).
@Lili,
“Even if they are meant to be taken literally”.
@Lili, it’s only hot when she is, LOL
@Stuff Ghetto People Like,
You should go deeper…
I’ll contribute this much before I rest for the night: In American culture, we place a huge emphasis on individuality in all aspects of life (having your own home, car, money, etc), however, this often transcends into the way we have begun to manage our relationships (romantic & otherwise). This ‘me’ mentality is selfish and it’s impossible to believe that when you enter a relationship/marriage after X amount of years of this train of thought, you will be able to just turn it off and become selfless. It takes alot of time and effort to correct a problem you didn’t realize you had.
Bond. BlkBond.
@BlkBond,
say that!
@BlkBond,
excellent point!
@BlkBond, My goodness, you have hit the nail on the head.
if I can take what you have said and pass it along…I promise I will give appropriate credit.
@Stuff Ghetto People Like,
Not everyone is made for marraige…there i sayed it…F*k what the “Society dictates”, what does your dic-state
@sisanda,
*snickering*
Way to keep it real there, homeboy.
@sisanda,
very true
@Stuff Ghetto People Like,
That’s why I have a hard time when people speak in absolutes and wet blankets all over the place.
Monogamy works for some people and doesn’t work for others. The sooner the two groups can identify, the easier and the better we all are.
Like it’s been said constantly on this here site, know your lane and stay in it.
If you are Team Monogamy, find your teammates and team up. If you are Team Non-Monogamy, find your compadres and do what you do. Simple, easy, the end.
@Sula,
Agreed. I also notice a lot of “If you don’t love me the way I expect you to love me then you must not really love me at all.”
No (c) t-lee.
Everybody isn’t your perfect mirror image that’s gonna express love how you do. If you can’t get used to how they express just say you aint wit it and move on.
I can’t go into a relationship if I expect him to cheat on me nor am I EVER going into a marriage assuming it MAY end. That sounds ridiculous to me. I have been cheated on and I now realize that I can’t put anything paste anyone, but if I suspect a person is dishonest, manipulative, and/or disrespectful to me and what we have…UMMMMM we won’t have shyt by the time I finish that thought. I believe in trusting my instincts….especially after being hurt once before.
That’s like a child breaking something in the house and then walking into his parents room. He’s asking for it!
@RunBabyRun,
I can’t go into a relationship if I expect him to cheat on me nor am I EVER going into a marriage assuming it MAY end. That sounds ridiculous to me.
@RunBabyRun,
Yes, ma’am. I’d also add a good attitude to have would be “we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it” rather than wrapping yourself up in a self-fulfilling prophecy cause you think cynicism will protect you. Just gotta have faith that you’re mentally prepared (or will get there shortly) to deal with the rainy days.
@Me fail english? and RunBabyRun, if only more women thought this way instead of having become so obsessed with cheating.
@Me fail english?,
“I’d also add a good attitude to have would be “we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it” rather than wrapping yourself up in a self-fulfilling prophecy cause you think cynicism will protect you. ”
*nods*
To me, this is the best principle. And it’s why I didn’t write a separate post of my own…this sums it up perfectly. Go into relationships just like you go into life. Yeah, sh*t “could” happen, but should we stroll about our daily lives constantly thinking, “Ya know what, I could live Final Destination on my commute to work and a bus could hit me. *bites fingernails*”? Hell all the way to the naw. Sure, the idealist in me wishes cheating will never happen, the cynic in me thinks it’ll likely happen, but the “me” in me just wants to live in the effing here and now.
Some people cheat. Some people don’t. People put an awful lot of time and energy into worrying about something that’s pretty much out of their control (whether their partner will cheat). Often at the expense of things they can control: how they treat their partner, how honest they are with themselves about who they are, how honest they are with themselves about who their partner is, whether they maintain the same habits that got them their partner once they have them locked down….The thing about the Tiger Woods thing is everyone focuses on the cheating as if that’s what killed the relationship. That relationship was dead already for him to be kicking it tough with 10-odd other women. This wasn’t some Elliott Spitzer “I’m just tryna get my rocks off with someone whose tits and knees aren’t at the same level and once I get my nut and swipe my credit card, she need to call a cab” deal. Tiger was effectively having relationships outside of a relationship. The fact that the only thing people focus on is the sex suggests that maybe we’re focusing on the wrong things.
@Brandon St. Randy,
Yo, I said that also. Dude was laying up with the jumpoff watching t.v. shows, cuddling, eating ice cream…that’s ish you do with your girl/wife!
I just read the texts on allhiphop when they were talking about t.v. shows, falling asleep in each others arms…?!?!
He was simulating a Girl Friend Experience. In his mind, he really believes that in that aspect, he cares about them and they care about him, which says more about the state of his marriage, rather than simply summarizing him as another ‘ho athlete’.
Bond.
@BlkBond,
“I just read the texts on allhiphop when they were talking about t.v. shows, falling asleep in each others arms…?!?! ”
Yep…he was “so gone”.
@miss t-lee, Yep…he was “so gone”.
I think I just heard Missy Elliot.
@overit,
ahahhahaah!!!
You caught me. I love that song.
@Brandon St. Randy,
“People put an awful lot of time and energy into worrying about something that’s pretty much out of their control (whether their partner will cheat). Often at the expense of things they can control”
What more can i say…tanunn, dannnun
@Brandon St. Randy,
People put an awful lot of time and energy into worrying about something that’s pretty much out of their control (whether their partner will cheat).
Amen!!
Expect my partner to cheat? Not at all. That would make me cynical, distrustful,and pretty much a burden to be with. By ‘expecting’ someone to cheat it’s almost as if you’re accepting such a behavior or just waiting for some sign (that may not mean anything) that your S0 has done you wrong.
Cheating is not just about sex, but about how the other man or woman is being treated. Some people should expect their SO to cheat because they treat the person whom they care about like doo-doo.
@Ivyette,
Expect my partner to cheat? Not at all. That would make me cynical, distrustful,and pretty much a burden to be with. By ‘expecting’ someone to cheat it’s almost as if you’re accepting such a behavior or just waiting for some sign (that may not mean anything) that your S0 has done you wrong.
^I totally agree!
I don’t really consider if my girl will cheat. You would drive yourself crazy thinking about things that may or may not happen. Live and let live. All you can do is put your best effort forward and hope that it means enough to them where cheating isn’t even a issue. When you have ‘good’ issues like who can make the other climax the most before dawn or whose turn is it to pick out the movie.
Ironically, the likelihood of cheating does impact the desire to enter a relationship, not necessarily impact the desire to date though.
I mean, if e’rybody is f*&kin’ e’rybody else, why would you want to be in a ‘relationship’? Usually, it’s restrictive, a financial toll, and very time consuming. As I always say: you can make more money, you cannot create more time. If you spend 3 years with someone and you’re not completely satisfied…it’s a waste. period.
If I find out that someone I’m interested in cheated on someone prior, I can’t say it would discourage me….that n!gg@ ain’t me..lol. Seriously, I don’t know what their issues (or his) were; so I can only judge her based on what she does with me.
I’ve always been one of those people who are reluctant to enter relationships. I’m a hard sell, but once I am sold, that’s it. At this point if I care enough to enter a relationship, I’m all in. We’re a little too old to be sneaking on the phone, out of town rendezvous, etc. If I’m not getting everything I want from one woman, I’ll just stay single and get it from a variety of women.
Bond. BlkBond.
@BlkBond,
Viva Lavida…is an awesome album…but the motto is worth living up to
“Good issues” are what life is all about my mans, hope you have no copyrights over the climax-poker-game…cause i have to enfringe
Bnd.Blk bond – “Licensed to thrill”
@BlkBond,
You sir, speak words of wisdom.
@BlkBond, “I’ve always been one of those people who are reluctant to enter relationships. I’m a hard sell, but once I am sold, that’s it. At this point if I care enough to enter a relationship, I’m all in. We’re a little too old to be sneaking on the phone, out of town rendezvous, etc. If I’m not getting everything I want from one woman, I’ll just stay single and get it from a variety of women.”
yessir…
@BlkBond,
The VSBs have been drinking their “Smart’ em up” vitamins today. It’s a good look.
I’ve never cheated and expect the same from my man. But I’ve never been married and can see the temptation especially for couples who get married young.In my circle of friends, at least 50% of the women cheated and 60-70% of the men. Good peeps but some cheated when their partner worked too much, didn’t give ‘em attention, lost sex drive, etc.
@Leila,
who needs attention?
I think cheating is more of a problem these days because people like the convenience of relationships but don’t actually REALLY want to be in a committed one. It’s like they’ll settle for now…for the perks of a constant supply of relations and validation, but will still have an eye open for something better.
I say, if you know you’re not ready to keep it to one person, stop kidding yourself…or at least find someone that thinks like you. There’s enough variety out there to find what you want.
@KaNisa,
Here’s the thing Kanisa…(look let me be honest for a mo’ okay)…right now I’m in the inbetween relationship phase, and the truth is lonliness at times is a b*tch. So i hook up a senioritta, whose company i enjoy, but not enough to seal the deal, and she understands that…here i gots the situation of having constant supply of relation, but i gots a eye out for what i’m looking for…Sometimes the system works though
@KaNisa,
“I say, if you know you’re not ready to keep it to one person, stop kidding yourself…or at least find someone that thinks like you. There’s enough variety out there to find what you want.”
In theory and on paper this makes sense. However in practise, cheaters have a tendency to be hypocrites. What is good for the goose is not what is good for the gander. For reasons that I cannot seem to fathom, the cheater often sees nothing wrong with them doing it, but if their partner does the same, stop the world, they want to get off. They want the freedom of dropping trou or flipping skirt whenever they please, but the security (and dare I say power trip?) of knowing that boo is at home waiting.
@KaNisa,
Real talk sis. Real talk right there.
It’s not i expect my man to cheat, but if he does I can’t say i’d be THAT suprised, sure I’d be hurt, angry, etc etc. But suprised, not really. Infact I probably- in a ‘i’d never admit it to my man’- expect it, esp with black men.
But with trust, in the beginning u get it free of charge, but f#ck up and that’s it. Well…most of the time. Which is perhaps part of the problem, we get over it/forgive too often and too quickly. *shrug*
@mateosmuse,
“we get over it/forgive too often and too quickly. *shrug*”
I think it’s cause some folks are afraid of starting over from scratch knowing well that the odds are against greener pastures (as far as fidelity is concerned), so they just hope the So won’t do it again so that they can go back to the peace that prevailed before this sh*t came to light.
“You cheated on me!?!?!”
“Well you better not do it again…now hurry up and get some, i gotta get to my 9 o’clock shift, and you better be a changed man when i return tomorrow morning”
@mateosmuse,
“Infact I probably- in a ‘i’d never admit it to my man’- expect it, esp with black men.”
WTF? Are you seriously suggesting that black men are more likely to cheat than others? If so, then why date black men?
@Caballeroso,
Word. Errybody knows Cablinasisans cheat the most. ahahah
@Me fail english?,
lol
@Me fail english?,
A Tiger joke that managed to make me laugh. Good job.
@Caballeroso,
True.
The more I think about it, the more I am beginning to wonder if the whole “black men always cheat” train of thought says more negatively about black women than it does about black men…
*rocks pelted* (I don’t own a gun to fire shots and my people prefer to pelt rocks…)
@Bajan Girl,
if all black women felt that way maybe…otherwise, no *rocks deflected*
@Smiley Face,
It isn’t so much about whether all black women feel that way, because clearly they don’t. I would probably wager that the majority of black women do NOT subscribe to that school of thought. However for those that do, me thinks they protesteth too much. To make a blanket statement like that would make me o_O the person some kind of negative way while paraphrasing Katt… “maybe it is not that all black men ain’t sh*t, maybe just all the ones you deal with in which case the problem is you not them…”
@Bajan Girl,
“maybe it is not that all black men ain’t sh*t, maybe just all the ones you deal with in which case the problem is you not them…”
with that I agree
@Bajan Girl,
I am beginning to wonder if the whole “black men always cheat” train of thought says more negatively about black women than it does about black men…
Stop wondering. It does… and it says we are way too insecure for our own good sometimes.
@mateosmuse, way to add to the “Black men ain’t sh*t” list. Oh ye of little faith much?
Trust no man, trust no chick. Grab your heart and protect that ish.
That is all.
@Buxxy,
hahaa…
in that case, you may as well learn how to please yourself cause lack of trust will only result in unfulfilled lust.
@sisanda, last i checked…one doesn’t need a heart to bone. juss sayin
@Buxxy,
So, you saying never share your heart at all? Sharing is caring!
@Cheekie, errtime i say that to my wife, i get in trouble.
@HabitualLineCrossa,
LOL, I knew someone would take it there. It’s very apt, that it was you.
You know what I meant!
i feel like letting the idea of a cheating SO hold you back is the equivalent of not making plans for the next day because there’s a chance you might not live to see it. tomorrow may not be promised, and a non-cheating b/f or g/f isn’t either, but you still have to live.
@mari,
I like how you think
@mari, very true
When i strap myself into my car seat every morning, do i expect do be involved in an accident? No (because I’m so awesome ofcourse). Though car insurance stats show that under 25 drivers, whove had a license for more than 5 years are 60 percent likely to be involved in a car accident (F**n us over with high premiums). Now here’s the aha moment – If i were to find my self in accident, would i be suprised? No, cause that sh!t happens.
The same could be sayed for cheating, it doesn’t matter whether it’s possible or not really…what matters is what your’re doing to lesson the odds of it happening (you know little things like atleast writing i love you on the Chicken wing take-out tillslip for Valentinesday;actually being there; calling once a month etc) and 2dnly how you’ll deal with it if/when it happens.
I’m out
Sidenote: 1)Is it me, or is this Drake situation really uncomprehendable…the kid hasn’t even dropped an album for Petesake and his got a Grammy nomination!! (Shout out to the Foreign Exchange and Eric Roberson)
Thought I’d throw in some perspective on marital adultery. At least half of married men admit to having cheated at least once over the life of the marriage. This could be a 1, 10, 20, or 30 year marriage.
The person who cheated once, or had one brief affair in Year 7 during the ten years of being married is very different from the person who has a chronic pattern of cheating.
As for cheating on a BF or GF when not engaged, I have a so what? approach. I don’t like it and few do, but as I’ve gotten older, the whole boyfriend-girlfriend thing of expecting 100% fidelity in absence of marriage is unreasonable. If you want that, get engaged, if not, GTFOH.
The reason I feel this way I’ve seen too many single people, particularly women, put all their eggs in one basket. They pass up opportunities to date new people and waste years because of misplaced loyalty to one BF or a series of BFs who have no intention of settling down – and why should the BF when he’s getting all the perks without a real commitment? He’s got a nice woman with clean punani to keep him company when he feels like it.
Next thing ya know, a new girl is added to his Facebook and she’s been deleted because he never had to feel that this was his woman, his partner, his back, to love and protect for life. The reason? He got his mind wrapped around the label of her being just a girlfriend, and folks act accordingly once they pidgeon hole someone else with a label.
Yeah, I know it happens to men too, but women have that baby-making biological clock, and they need to keep better track of the time lest they end up with no kids or as a struggling single mom disappointed or angry at Baby Daddy for never going that extra mile that she hoped he’d do in return for her fidelity and loyalty.
@Kit (Keep It Trill),
“The reason I feel this way I’ve seen too many single people, particularly women, put all their eggs in one basket. They pass up opportunities to date new people and waste years because of misplaced loyalty to one BF or a series of BFs who have no intention of settling down ”
Very well said!
@RedPlum,
^^^
I agree…very well stated K.I.T.
@Kit (Keep It Trill) Co-sign this whole post.
@Kit (Keep It Trill),
“As for cheating on a BF or GF when not engaged, I have a so what? approach. I don’t like it and few do, but as I’ve gotten older, the whole boyfriend-girlfriend thing of expecting 100% fidelity in absence of marriage is unreasonable. If you want that, get engaged, if not, GTFOH.”
I actually had a “lady” that I was dating express that she shared this philosophy and GTFOH is what I did regarding that potential relationship. The way I see it, the GF/BF stage is like a practice for the big game. If you can’t get it right in practice, why do you expect to shine in the game?
@Caballeroso,
Dude…you walked away from a real woman. She was honest with you…HONEST with you.
@atltx,
and what…if that wasn’t his view he should’ve stayed? for real?
@Smiley Face,
Yeah, honesty is only half the battle. You still have to be compatible!
@Smiley Face,
The more I read…the more I understand why I’m happy being single. It seems that the more educated other races become…the more prone they are to releasing age old mentalities that were planted within certain populations in order to control them. But black folks…shiiid…we hold onto toxic shit forever. Point blank…females are blunt azz creatures…and most in tune with themselves when they are straight forward.
This is how I would have taken what she said…look…you a cool dude and everything. I like kickin it with you. But I gotta learn more about you and myself. We ain’t gonna always see eye to eye…I might even not want to be bothered with you on certain days when I’m not feeling you….but I don’t want to walk away from something that I know is a good thing. If nothing else…I’d like us to remain friends…I just want to know if there is potential for more.
I respect her for that one…for real. Women…yall might want to start looking at dudes that have the same mentality. GF/BF? We ain’t in junior high school.
@atlx,
i understand that and I don’t disagree, my stance is if you and i don’t agree what this relationship is and what it should be why am i here in it with you.
doesn’t say I don’t respect her for being honest or for stating her truth, but you have to respect him for knowing what his truth was and being with someone who didn’t want to solely be with him isn’t his truth.
for me, that’s where the toxicity begins..try to comply or bend my truth into yours…doesn’t work. i’m not going to be in a relationship with you and no you don’t get the benefits of being my “kickin it friend” when you get ready or when you decide you want to see me…the pieces of me come in one package stamped not to be sold separately..
and btw don’t assume folks heritage
@Kit (Keep It Trill), I always thought the bf/gf stage of a relationship is when you get to see what a person will be like in a marriage (audition persay). I mean, isn’t that the whole point of getting into a relationship in the first place- to find a LIFE-time partner, not a “for now” (who even thinks like that) one. I think people (especially men-smh) are afraid to admit they really want to find the ONE and not even to others but to THEMSELVES. It’s scary. Given the statistics admitting something like that is like saying you believe in Santa- only cool for childlike fantasies, but grown-@ss men and women, I think not. Nonetheless, whether you believe Santa left you a present or not… there’s always a good chance a gift shows up either way. So why not expect people be faithful?…
@Yeah…SO?!, my bad… I meant:expect people “to” be faithful… proof reading FAIL! lol
@Yeah…SO?!,
You know a lot of the men I know are totally upfront about wanting to find the “one”, they just fall into categories that make it difficult to acheive:
a) Unrealistic expectations
b) Reluctance to work on their flaws
c) Poor choices in women
d) Bitter about Keisha from up the block who cheated on him back in 5th grade
Oh and agreed with you and KIT ( I think??) about if you aint married you’re single. I wouldn’t say I’m still “looking” per se, but I’m def not sure I want to sign over my life to anyone yet.
@Me fail english?, lol- “per se”… anyway,
nah- u ain’t agree with me. I believe a person to be someone who is not committed to anyone… you got a gf/bf (not just in your head, but a real one- I mean they shoud know ya’ll are in a relationship-smh)… uhhh- u ain’t single!
The only difference I see in marriage and bf/gf status is at the end of one… you leave with what you came with, so choose wisely (take it anyway you like)
@Yeah…SO?!, got-damn… “I believe a SINGLE person”… and I do this a lot- smh
@Yeah…SO?!,
My fault. You’re right. I disagree with all of this. lol
@Me fail english?, glad we understand each other -lol
@Kit (Keep It Trill),
“As for cheating on a BF or GF when not engaged, I have a so what? approach. I don’t like it and few do, but as I’ve gotten older, the whole boyfriend-girlfriend thing of expecting 100% fidelity in absence of marriage is unreasonable. If you want that, get engaged, if not, GTFOH. ”
I’ve been reading/hearing alot on a theory similar to this…the whole “if you ain’t married, your single” and the more I analyze it I can’t help but agree. I mean, as you stated…if you’re not engaged then clearly one of the other parties are still “searching”. At least that’s the way I see it. I could be wrong.
“The reason I feel this way I’ve seen too many single people, particularly women, put all their eggs in one basket. They pass up opportunities to date new people and waste years because of misplaced loyalty to one BF or a series of BFs who have no intention of settling down – and why should the BF when he’s getting all the perks without a real commitment? He’s got a nice woman with clean punani to keep him company when he feels like it.”
Guilty as charged. As a previous poster stated, you can’t make more time. And in some very numbskulling (I really don’t even think that’s a word, but walk w/ me) moments in my earlier adult years…I’ve committed that same mistake. Even worse because he wasn’t my boyfriend…just someone I would have like to been my boyfriend. *sighs* I can atest to how easy it is to get caught up in what someone may represent or what you want them to represent. And before you know it, 2 years have passed and you don’t have shit to show for it expect a gift box from Victoria’s Secret.
Shame and a scandal.
@La Bakir, trust me- I doubt you missed out on anything…
@Yeah…SO?!,
Oh I trust you…dude has some major shit w/ him. I thought I could fix that, ya know?
*stands up and addresses room*I’m proud to say I’ve been clean of that narcotic now.
@La Bakir,
Aight Ike…lol
@La Bakir,
Lol! That’s what it feels like…like I had to ween myself off of him, slowly but surely. Smh…forget cocaine…love is on hell of a drug :p
@Kit (Keep It Trill),
“The person who cheated once, or had one brief affair in Year 7 during the ten years of being married is very different from the person who has a chronic pattern of cheating.”
Yes, yes, yes! This is the reason I’ve never been able to say with conviction “I’d never take him back”. I really believe there are circumstances that can be worked out.
On the other hand I’ve never been married or shacked up fareal, fareal. Patience might fly out the window if I gotta look at his cheating ass everyday!
I agree with some of the other posts about trying to control your mate. I’ve realized the only person that I can control in any relationship is myself. I dont own him and if he does cheat on me then that’s his decision. There is something more peaceful in that approach than me expecting him to cheat. If I expect him to cheat then I am opening up a can of drama & chaos within our relationship (checking cell phones, smelling his peanuts & hacking his email….NOPE!). So my focus is on my actions in the relationship.
If he does cheat then that is on him and I will end the relationship. I’ve proven myself to be a good woman. I’ve controlled my feelings and not stepped out there so to me there is no room for cheating. It is totally unacceptable to me. I have friends that tolerate it and work through it with their mate but for me personally I have to walk. I will never have trust in that person again on any level. I’d be fearful for my health as well as my emotions.
I think that there is something
@Yaa, OK…I hit send to fast.
I think that we should take note on this generation and look at why there are so many failed relationships. I think that infidelity is encourage to a certain degree & monogamy is almost a thing of the past. It is almost as if you are at war if you are in a monogamist relationship. The “anything goes” mentality does effect how people interact and brings so much inappropriateness and it is extremely difficult to maneuver in relationships. I am not saying that it cannot be done I just think that it just seem challenging trying to maintain a relationship when all the messages that you are receiving says that it is ok to roam.
1) No
2) No
3) No
4) It doesn’t
If she got what you want, she already had a man, why wouldn’t she cheat on you? Cheat on you?
In the words of the once dope Mason Betha ‘Just like you cheat they can cheat, you a fool if you think girls don’t cheat.’
Sad really. Relationships are built on trust and too many of us take that for granted…
@Da Iceman,
I love the fact that you quoted Mase.
You just don’t see that everyday, I feel like I just saw a dodo bird.
@Da Iceman,
lol. Quoting Mase=dope.
And yeah I was actually surprised by the stat about women cheating nearly as much as men. I stand corrected.
You will lose hair (or vauable PlayStation time) trying to worry about or control what other people do.
The BEST you can do is just treat people how you want to be treated, and keep it movin’. If folks decide they want to take this “it is what it is” attitude and use it as an opportunity to step out on you, then you just have to recognize game, kick them to the curb (or decide to forgive them…again), learn your lesson and move on. Of course you are gonna be pissed and scratch your head as to why they had a “pants party” and you weren’t invited. Hell, you might just side-eye the next kat/kitten that even resembles some of the traits the past cheating S/O had.
But in the end, you have to decide whether you want to let things you can’t control consume you…or do want next on this Madden?
@Brotha Tech,
You will lose hair (or vauable PlayStation time) trying to worry about or control what other people do
I totally agree. I have lost plenty of the latter trying to make certain people happy. That’s why I suck at Madden right now.
@Brotha Tech,
Again, the brothers are all being very smart and sh!t.
Do people really get into a relationship expecting to be cheated on? Really?
Sadness abounds.
@miss t-lee,
Hey, T-Lee. Yeah, it is sad, and part of it is being hurt some many times in the past that you expect it. It can suck being on the person that dates people like that and constantly you have to prove to them that you won’t do them like others have to the point that you almost have to cut people and things out of you like just do it. It’s not a new phenomenon, just a sucky one.
@ComicBookGuy,
Yeah I know…I’ve worked hard not to be that person who just waits for the other shoe to drop when meeting someone new. It’s all in how you deal with the previous situation you were in and why it ended. Exactly the reason you shouldn’t jump from person to person, because 9 times out of 10 if you haven’t dealt with your previous issues you’re going to try to project them onto the next person.
* My cousin just got out of a 6 month situation with the above. Dude was fresh off a divorce and had no business trying to date anyone. He was always telling her “you’re just gonna leave like everyone else”. I told her, you’re better than me, cause we wouldn’t have gotten past month 1 with that ish. I can’t deal with the insecurity, it’s so not cute.
oh yeah…what up?!?!?
@miss t-lee,
I’m good, ma’am. Just trying to stay warm. It’s a bit cold here in the H.
@ComicBookGuy,
Yeah…it ain’t even technically winter yet…I’d like for it to at least get out of the 30′s today.
Like Bernie Mac used to say “this is some bullsiht!’
@ComicBookGuy,
You and t-lee may be pleased to know that the lord has chosen this week to punish me for last week’s arrogance.
It’s going into the 20′s for the next few nights!!! It was 67 and sunny last Friday.
*bumps “It was all good just a week ago…”*
@Me fail english?,
Ha ha.
Actually I can’t laugh too much. It’s pretty cold here and because we had a pretty dry summer, it’s probably going to rain all winter.
@ComicBookGuy,
All I know is I’m not cut out for winter which is why I still live here…lmao
@me fail english?
Funny how that ish comes full circle huh? *snickering*
@miss t-lee,
The sh8t is tragic.
@atltx,
Ain’t it?
I weep for humanity.
@miss t-lee,
Yo, I hope not. It’s a sad reality when you’re waiting on the people to step out on you.
too d&mn cold to be stepping ANYWHERE right about now, lol. DC like BURR! AYE! AYE! (lol…)
Bond.
@BlkBond,
You’re right… a very sad reality.
Stay warm out there!!!
Aye!!
@miss t-lee,
^I so feel you! Then my optimism comes back. I don’t expect to cheat or be cheated on, and as evident by some of the comments, I am not the only one that feels this way. It gives me hope.
@legitimate_soul,
“It gives me hope.”
Girl that’s the one thing that keeps folks going. It’s that serious.
why won’t anyone tell the truth? (sexual) monogamy is BORING (after a while)!
the dirty FACT is monogamy only worked when women had virtually no rights (worldwide, pre-1960.) and “worked” is subjective given women were usually the only faithful partners in relationships.
more mutha luvvas need to be realistic and swing =)
… seriously. keep your partner’s urges and desires in your face instead of behind your back. they’re safer there despite the initial sting of dealing with them.
and can we please let go of the notion that because someone wants to sleep with someone other than his/her partner, (s)he wants out of his/her relationship? just cuz I eat at Wendy’s a couple times don’t mean McDonald’s ain’t my favorite issh.
@Harold M. Clemens,
lol..m’kay…who said it wasn’t boring? or it didn’t take work…?
The problem comes when people expect a perfect relationship/commitment and don’t get it…first sign of something not kosher and folk want to dip.
Know who you’re dealing with period..you like to swing, I won’t even consider it…then we’re both fools for trying to be in a relationship…unrealistic expectations…
@Smiley Face,
x______________
sincerely,
Bond. BlkBond.
@BlkBond,
I c/s the cosign.
Cheating is the new drug! (Everybody’s Doing It) But remember this: KIDS and Herpes keep on keeping on!
All I can really say to this is I don’t my future man/husband to cheat at all… I expect him to be faithful and I don’t think thats too much to ask for…..
On a side not I wonder how many of you have heard of soul ties..which is something that occurs when you become one with another human being..it is a spiritual principle tied to sex.
You form soul ties with folk you sleep with which is something like an imprint they leave on you and you on them spiritually… just food for thought. Do you really want all these random folks imprints and all their soul characteristics tied to you??? cause only a divine power can remove those..just a thought like I said…..
@OrangeStar616,
Yep… about Soul Ties.
It is too true. You’re speaking that truth.
@miss t-lee, , it is something that GOD intended to happen, betwixt married folk, to cement the bond between them everytime they have sex…..the nature of it is really beautiful in the proper context, the Lord did not intend for people to behave like wild dogs in heat tho, so it works to your disadvantage also, like when you can’t seem to get over someone, they are always in your thoughts, to take it even further, you can sense them, you know when they are near etc etc etc all this is a result of becoming one flesh….I could go on and on…..
@OrangeStar616,
Oh trust…I understand completely.
After my x passed in ’05, one of my BFF’s gave me some info about it, and after reading everything it totally made sense. Especially since death can be considered a separate one as well.
@OrangeStar616,
That the institution of marriage has evolved over the last 8 or 9 hundred years. Initially marriage had little to do with love. As hunter-gatherers settled down into agrarian civilizations, society had a need for more stable arrangements—Marriage. Also, consider this was not between one man and one woman. That came later as a result of Greeks, Romans, and Hebrew embracing it.
Upon being embraced by the Greeks, Romans and Hebrews, the purpose of marriage was to bind women to men, and guarantee children were his. In additions, through marriage, a woman became a man’s property. Even back then men were free to satisfy their sexual urges with concubines, and prostitutes. (Greeks and Romans had teenage males SMH).
Imprint on soul, is an interesting concept. And how you through the Lord in it is as well since marriage is a man made institution.
@xave, ok for the history lesson, and I know all about mankind and his perversions, still some things are so much bigger!
@OrangeStar616, Sounds like superstition and folklore. Sometimes you can’t even remember the names of the people you have had sex with let alone have their “imprint on your soul”. It’s a great way to deter people from having sex though. I will be sure to pound this into my daughters head. Along with oral sex causes cancer.
@xave, some things don’t require your belief to be true.
@OrangeStar616,
No really..it may be true for you…just like most black folk gotta have their daily fix of “God” and “Jesus” that don’t even look like black folk. Nevermind.
“Soul ties” and the “gospel from God and white Jesus” is NOT true for us all. “Soul ties” is the reason why so many people end up cheating. Never had a chance to get into what makes them happy…messed around and accidentally found a new spot in the shower and too prudish to bring it up for fear of being ridiculed. Cause GOD would not approve! But deacon/deaconess such and such know brother/sister such an such done found it…and they go straight in on it and turn that azz out…and then the preacher get some too…whether it’s a man or woman. Too damn prim and proper…life ain’t prim and proper…it’s meant to be lived so you CAN gain control of yourself.
SOCIETY has us all kinds and types of fuggged up.
@atltx, What was that dude? that whole spill had absolutely nothing to do with what I posted, neither does religion or a white God o_O
@atltx,
lol. So basically you’re saying the concept of soul ties prohibits people from having more first-hand romantic experiences that would teach them what they like?
I hear that. I’ve done my share of dating so I wouldn’t begrudge the next woman from enjoying a rich dating life. But I think Orange’s emphasis was more on the physical act that bonds ppl. And that’s where I’ve gotta agree with her (especially where it concerns the fairer sex). Boning a bunch of ppl does leave many (more than care to admit it) feeling empty and used, even when they’re not being “smutted out”.
@atltx,
I may not agree with OrangeStar…but hon..I have no idea what you just said….? O_o What does “soul ties” have to do with some random spot in the shower…? ‘Splain please and thank you.
@atltx,
Me explaining:
Found a spot in the shower…women that don’t “know themselves” sometimes find pleasure spots in the shower while washin their azzes. It can result in said woman/man busting their azz in the shower…which is nearly impossible unless you are making sudden uncontrollable jerking movements. So stop jerking and ask your “significant other” to help…before you kill yoself.
Religion and black folks amazement with somebody that don’t llok like us…it teaches us to ignore our desires and sometimes…even deny who we really are…
@atltx, ok…i think , lol
@xave,
This may happen more with women than men. I, myself, along with a good number of my girlfriends have felt more bonded to a mate after chex. Whether that be thru soul ties, oxytocin or whatever else.
lol @ telling your daughters that.
@Me fail english?,
Thanks…you said what I was trying to say. I don’t use too much brainpower unless it’s involved with getting a check…plus I’m just pissed man…I won’t even go into my dating life…sometimes I want to meet some chick’s parents so i can slap the sh8t out of em (not the mommas). And ask…”you really taught her that sh8t?” Book sense for days…but common sense? Shiiid
@atltx, plus I’m just pissed man……I’ll say, geesh dude….common sense ain’t the only thing missing these days….
@atltx, The whole soul tie thing just sounds so ridiculous. I mean, I grew up in church and God makes a lot of sense. That doesn’t I’m sorry.
As long as there has been people there has been infidelity.
@OrangeStar616,
I attacked something that is very near and dear to you. Please accept my apology…I wish you well.
@OrangeStar616, you make a lot of sense here.
Our approach to sex today is one of the reasons why infidelity (physical) is so rampant…but that’s just my take on it.
If half or more individuals that engage in relationships are cheating then it should be expected and if it doesn’t happen I will be pleasantly surprised. I haven’t cheated on my girlfriend yet, emphasis on yet. Has she cheated on me? Not sure but I would be shocked if she didn’t or hasn’t contemplated it. It’s apart of our culture, lets embrace it.
@xave, :-O
@xave,
“It’s apart of our culture, lets embrace it.”
um…no
@Smiley Face,
You beat me to it!
@miss t-lee,
i was channeling you, girl!! LOL
@Smiley Face,
I second that…lol
@xave,
I’m down witcha, homey!
@xave,
“It’s apart of our culture, lets embrace it.”
Well, if poly-amorous is the way to go and it’s not in “our” culture to be with one person (o_O) then how about embracing not getting into committed relationships in the first place. I mean, really? What’s the point of “committing” to someone if you break the first dayum rule of commitment? lol How about being straight up with your main squeese and saying, “Ya know what, let’s change our Facebook status to “In an Open Relationship”.
@Cheekie, since i’m not on facebook i will pass out fliers on the 405.
@xave,
Oh, you old school, huh? Respect.
@Cheekie,
I don’t know why but I’m CTFU at this LOL!!!
@Smiley Face,
LOL…it was funny to me because when I typed “respect”, I did it in Ali G’s voice inside my head.
@Cheekie,
Solid point.
@Cheekie,
“then how about embracing not getting into committed relationships in the first place.”
Gotta love Cheeks.We gotta start “keeping it real” at some point in the rel’ship. WHy not start at the beginning?
@Me fail english?,
“WHy not start at the beginning?”
*dap*
I think more and more of this happening would make the world a better place*.
*Yes, for your consideration, I’d like a Nobel Peace Prize nomination.
@xave, em double no.
As someone who grew up in a culture where polygamous marriages were acceptable, that stuff was just strange. There was so much animosity between wives and lives (yes lives) were lost because of jealousy. It only benefits the person who is dipping in different pools.
If it was such a part of our culture why don’t we let polygamy go both ways huh and see how men would like being the second, third or fifteenth husband on the roster?
“….Not sure but I would be shocked if she didn’t or hasn’t contemplated it.” You say this in confidence because you know she probably won’t do such a thing to you and you know it would mess with you terribly if she did (unless she is just a girl that’s just warming your bed and you could care less what she does).
My ex SWORE UP AND DOWN that he had never cheated on me, but he always had a way of conveniently accusing me of straying because I was away at college. For some reason he felt it necessary to tell me that he had cheated on every single one of his exes in the past, but I was somehow supposed to be different and he had never stepped out.
Negro puhleez.
Remember that Keyshia Cole song “I Should’ve Cheated?” Well I eventually got to that point and started playing the game of “since you think I am, then I might as well.” During our relationship, I went from ages 16 to 20, so being seriously committed was kinda beyond my grasp. He went from 23-27, so we were at toooootttally different points in our lives and I just couldn’t see myself giving the rest of my life to this fool (who by the way had one of his former good friends murdered, had a 9 year old son he didn’t tell me about until the 4th year of our relationship, hit me, told me he wanted to banoodle my mother in her rear, and is ugly) .
He “broke up with me” about 4 times and like an idiot I kept going back because I was comfortable. Throughout those breaks (and sometimes when even not on break) I had male friends to keep my company, but I made sure to never let it go too far. I’m not sure what was the straw to break the camel’s back, but I ended up stepping out on him with 5 men throughout the course of our time together.
I look back at myself like damnit – I was doing some Maury-type smut-like things..but back then I merely saw it as an escape. All of them weren’t sexual relationships, but I “emotionally cheated” which some people feel is worse. In the end, I’m just glad the whole charade is over and done with.
@Pinks,
“Well I eventually got to that point and started playing the game of “since you think I am, then I might as well.” ”
That’s some real talk. A lot of ppl don’t think it makes sense but… you never know how your words will impact folks. So dont go around assuming the worst and giving them no standards to live up to.
@Me fail english?, not only that..but life and death are in the tongue, you can speak things into existence, so its always better to speak things you actually want to happen, good things big bold beautiful things…also your thoughts are equally as powerful, what you think on the most tends to manifest itself……
@OrangeStar616,
You know what? It took me a while (I still can’t fully get down with “the secret”) but I’m starting to think that ish is true. Your thoughts and perspective, even without verbalizing things can totally change what you get out of life. Makes me realize why so many ppl depend on Church.
@OrangeStar616, true dat!
@OrangeStar616,
firm believer of speaking things into existence!!! my mama drummed this into us at and early age.
@OrangeStar616,
So true! Word. Sound. Power.
@Pinks,
“(who by the way had one of his former good friends murdered, had a 9 year old son he didn’t tell me about until the 4th year of our relationship, hit me, told me he wanted to banoodle my mother in her rear, and is ugly) . ”
I am speechless.
@Pinks,
Damn. Glad you moved on.
@Pinks,
So…ain’t nobody gonna point out that this relationship was kinda doomed from the jump. You were 16…he was 23…when yall started.
He wanted to get in your mother’s butt…it’s just some things you don’t say out loud to a person’s daughter.
@atltx, the age thing wasn’t the biggest problem here, it was dudes mental state, that mofo was crazy, and thats probably why he went after a 16 yo when he was 23 TBW
@atltx, YAKNOW?!
My mother didn’t marry my stepfather until relatively late in my life, and even though he is a wonderful man, I still had some of that residual “no daddy syndrome” lingering in my being, so being 16 and having a 23-year-old man with a house, car and master’s degree seemed to be GREAT for me. He took care of me the way no guys my age could, which is why I was so quick to get comfortable and cozy.
Friends, family and anyone who heard about the situation would be like “He’s HOW OLD?” and immediately give me the sideeye, but alas young love seems to want to conquer all, even common sense. My mother could see that he was manipulating my silly behind and was full of it, but I fought her tooth and nail, telling her it was my life and my decision.
And yes you all read write, he had one of his former good friends murdered over a real estate transaction that left both of them in the hole. When the guy turned up dead, he acted smug about it and told the police he had no idea what happened, even though he had told me numerous times that he had $500 on this man’s head.
I still feel guilty about not going to the cops until this day, but I can’t change the past, and I am SO GLAD I finally got the sense to make my move and leave.
@Pinks,
“23-year-old man with a house, car and master’s degree” + “he had one of his former good friends murdered over a real estate transaction that left both of them in the hole.”
why this got me thinkin of stringer bell…
@HabitualLineCrossa,
Describes him to a T.
@HabitualLineCrossa,
lol. Me too!
@Pinks,
YO! There is so much going on in this post, that I don’t know where to start.
1. He had a good friend killed? WTF?! If that’s what he does to his friends, what did he have in store for you?
2. He denied his child’s existence? This alone warrants at least a 2-piece to the grill…no chicken either.
3. What.The. F*&K: He wanted to ‘BANOODLE’ your MOTHER?!!
In her REAR?!?!
Aight…I’m done. I’m really buggin’ over this post though..
Bond. BlkBond.
@BlkBond,
1. Yes. 2. Yes. 3. Yes.
Actually number 2 was moreso one of those things where a person feels they haven’t lied to you if they’ve just neglected to mention it.
He would always say something like “One day Pinks, I’m gonna get you drunk and tell you all about my life.” I’d be like ummm what? Why do I have to be drunk, and if you claim to love me so much that you want to marry me, why wouldn’t you tell me this stuff up front or at least sometime in the damn 4 years that we were together!
One day we were burning some high grade (no Reggie Bush) and he told me about how the girl in college waited until the kid was 2 years old to tell him, and by that time the boy had already been shipped off to Trinidad to live with her family. I asked him if he had any pictures that I could see and he refused to show them to me. Don’t ask me why, but I dropped it.
Funny enough, when I broke it off with him for the last time, he told me he still wanted to have sex with me on Monday, Wednesday and Friday because he wanted to have a child before he was 30. No mind that it’s MY uterus and I ALONE decide when I want to give birth; he would raise the child with his family while I went on about my merry way.
I could go on and on with some of the crazy stories I have, like the time when my friends and I went out to celebrate during Memorial Day Weekend. I had gotten a little too tipsy and my friend called him to come pick me up…apparently he was still upset about a comment someone had left on myspace and berated me until I started crying and screaming I wanted to go home, get me out of this damn car. What did he do but pull over on the side of the highway, push me out of the car and drive off?
He came back about 5 minutes later, but I will never forget the look in his eyes as he opened that door.
@Pinks, girl…my brothers would’ve been UNDER the jail after they got through with him (after they cussed me out of course)
@Pinks,
Pinks, he done ya dirty and I’m a firm believer in revenge in some cases… and this case qualifies. I ain’t trying to tell you how to live your life and what not, but the police will let you leave tips anonymously. There is no statute of limitations on murder and conspiracy to commit murder…I’m just sayin.
@Caballeroso,
lol. That’s what I would’ve done!
@Caballeroso,
Word.Life. And if The Wire is that good, then next week will be a lot of fun. (yes I know, I am still dragging my feet).
OK.. So here is my take on the whole fidelity thing. Times have changed… In 2009, hardly anyone is marrying a virgin these days, and sex has become something so casual, u can get the “D” quicker than a walk to the corner store! I do not think that it is realistic to expect fidelity out of a relationship unless you are at the point of, or have already gotten married. Even then, it is only a sacrifice that you make for the sake of your partner and respect for the relationship. I mean, if you have truly met your soul mate and have a good understanding with your partner ( they really know who u are ) what else is it that you have to give up? I mean, if you feel like you have lost your life in the midst of forming a relationship with someone, you prolly wit da wrong muahfugga! This is another reason why you should marry the ninja that “ROCKS YOUR WORLD” He may be 10k under the income bracket than you prefer.. But that is something you can change… A 30something yr old man with no bedroom skills is pretty much a lost cause. If he hasn’t learned by now… well…. you know the rest!!! For the fellas.. It’s kinda like getting with a chubby chikk with a really pretty face vs. the gorilla with the bangin body… some things you just cant change!
( that park was a joke…. no it wasnt… ok yes it was)
Now! on another note, even though I would not “expect” my mate to cheat, I don’t think that I would end my marrige behind a sexual encounter.. ( even tho i wouldnt let him know that) There are only a very few of us left that will still put love/chex/intimacy in the same box. I am pretty sure that there are many in this forum that have had chex with ppl they may have “liked” but did not necessarily love… I do NOT think that if a person has “outside chex” it means that they love their partner any less…. It definitly means that they may lack dicipline… An “AFFAIR” is something totally different. An affair is definitly divorce worthy, and also, if the person is a constant repeat offender… But using a rational mind.. I really don’t see myself giving up my home, my family, my $$, splitting up my children, a pension, retirement and regressing my lifestyle because my dude decided to get his kokk waxxed at a bachelor party. Would I be pissed? Yes! Would he be punished?? Most definitly!!! Would I file for divorce?? I would probably make him think I would….. But then again, I’m one of those ppl that doesnt believe in divorce.. too many people consider it the easy way out option. I think the only way I would ever get a divorce is if i was in a physically abusive relationship… but then again, we still would not have to divorce… I’d just kill him!
@Lanieanna,
“what else is it that you have to give up?”
Time, options and stress in case you’ve picked the wrong person, in case yall are right for each other now but somebody changes, etc.
I think most people cherrypick what parts of their religion they take seriously. No divorce is one of my things. If I’m taking a vow before God, my family and the man I claim to love, it’s gonna take more than “he knows me and he loves me” to assuage my fears of possibly effing this up.
That’s no excuse for cheating though.
I used to to believe the hype about not cheating. I don’t anymore! My ex-husband had my blind trust, and loyalty and he cheated. I learned a valuable lesson. Never assume someone will not cheat. Shit happens…I just do what Im supposed to do. You can’t control another human beings actions…..
dang I was hoping to read something that would take my mind off my own relationship issues today…not that I’m being cheated on per se…but all isn’t as happy as it should be happy in hooville….. alas this post did not free my mind in the least….
an aside….really caring about someone can really blow chunks when things aren’t going your way…. now I’m off to find a distraction elsewhere…..
I’m concerned about our “society” when we snub every religious and spiritual thought, especially the truth of God.
But to stay on topic, I must agree with the fact that BF/GF stage is practice. If you can’t have the self control to be faithful he/she isn’t the person for you. If you’re not honest enough to push your intimate relationship then he/she isn’t for you. If you do not have the decency and balls/ovaries to be honest enough about possible or current indiscretions…then on to the next. If you truly believe in marriage and love….however outdated and Puritan like it may be….”single” til married isn’t a theory you consider.
Practice doesn’t make perfect it makes permanent. Keep being a whoring or cheating douch and you will make that habit permanent.
@RunBabyRun,
I love this comment.
I wanna buy it a shot of Herradura silver.
@miss t-lee,
I was on my phone and it wouldn’t let me reply! I had to google that! I haven’t been drinking long enough to know that type of tequila! I’m only 120 lbs but bring it on! Lol
But seriously, it’s nice to know that people agree and I’m not completely out of my marbles.
@RunBabyRun,
It’s all good girlie. It’s my fav. tequila.
That’s how much I love this comment, I want you to drink with me.
@miss t-lee,
I’m down! Holla when you’re in LA! lol
@RunBabyRun,
Co-sign: X____________
Regards,
Bond. BlkBond.
@RunBabyRun,
you know you’re making too much sense right? lol Amen!
@RunBabyRun, church to all a dis… especially to the first statement. Pardon my limited vocab but WTF ya’ll?
@RunBabyRun, I really try not to go here, but it’s time to: I’m concerned about a society where we’re not allowed to snub religious thought, especially this notion of Christian supremacy, as if Christian ideas are the ultimate and only valid ones in existence.
If Christians (and Muslims for that matter) can’t respect that there are other schools of thought in this universe, of course there’s gonna be problems. Other standards aren’t higher or lower, just different.
@Stuff Ghetto People Like,
No, no, no!! That wasn’t my point! Forgive me. It came across, to me, that all spiritual or religious schools of thought were being cast aside. It more so appeared that there was a lack of respect, on your part, for religious and spiritual voice when it comes to cheating/sex/intimacy/relationships. I have the utmost respect for other schools of thought whether I agree or not. Excuse the misunderstanding.
@Stuff Ghetto People Like, since I co-signed… uhhh who said anything about Christianity??? :-/
@Yeah…SO?!, you don’t have to mention it by name when the overtones are obvious.
@Stuff Ghetto People Like, You just come off really defensive… nothing seems force fed to me in that. Not to mention, principles and integrity and such, are behaviors that are thought through religions like Christianity/Isalmic etc. While you don’t agree with it(and hey do you) all I’m sayin(and I’m not just talking to you) is why throw-out everything including “do unto others as you would have them do unto you” just cause you think they got Jesus’s complexion wrong?
@Yeah…SO?!, I meant “taught” through religions… but, I guess “thought” can work too… keep the party going.
I’m not certain if it’s healthy for us to assume that the people we love and trust will cheat (though it’s a mindset I’ve adopted and am now questioning.) It’s inherently faulty. I think the healthier mindset to adopt is that many people in committed relationships may have strong urges to be intimate with others.
I think couples need to start having conversations about their desires to be intimate with others. In a consumption and quick-fix culture, it’s perfectly understandable why the cheating numbers have increased exponentially over the past few years. What is not ok is that cheating leads to deep pain and self-esteem damage to those we love the most.
The bottom line?
We need to be realistic. Couples need to start the conversation about their sexual desires. People need to be clear on what they need in a relationship. If the relationship doesn’t fit you must quit.
@Somebody’s Daughter, “We need to be realistic. Couples need to start the conversation about their sexual desires. People need to be clear on what they need in a relationship. If the relationship doesn’t fit you must quit.”
Truth!
@Somebody’s Daughter,
“We need to be realistic. Couples need to start the conversation about their sexual desires. People need to be clear on what they need in a relationship. If the relationship doesn’t fit you must quit.”
Yup, yup. Never ceases to amaze me how much people assume their partners should be able to intuit priorities/preferences. How bout we all just speak up and remove any room for error?
This post also brought to my mind something a lot of people have issues with in relationships, although I think grown folk would be able to get past this by say…month 2 of a “serious relationship.”
Does it matter to you how many partners your mate has had (sexual)? Aside from the obvious risk of catching a disease/infection, would you discount someone whose numbers teetered in the “too high” range?
@Pinks,
I’ve never asked someone I was intimate with “how many”..it wasn’t my business but the results (of the test) were. I’ve been around too many peers to know it only takes a minute to change your life.
*shrugs* But some folk would rather know how many as opposed to the results, I’m not one of them. I’ve been asked the “how many”question though.
@Smiley Face,
I keep telling everyone that if you ask “that question” and get an answer more that zero, you will be disappointed everytime…lol
It’s like shootin’ yourself in the foot.
@miss t-lee,
basically, lol
@miss t-lee,
Actually, it’s more like shootin’ yourself in the foot and still being pissed off that you are walking funny. If you didn’t shoot yourself (i.e. ask the question), you wouldn’t be walking around wary of your partner. When you ask a question like that, be ready for the best possible answer and the worst possible answer. That way, if it’s anywhere in between, you won’t be too disappointed.
@ComicBookGuy,
“Actually, it’s more like shootin’ yourself in the foot and still being pissed off that you are walking funny”
*giggling*
Great point, sir.
@miss t-lee,
lol Thought you might get a kick out of that.
@miss t-lee,
I ask that question simply to get a better feel for her attitude towards sexuality and to get to know her level of comfort in discussing s3xual matters.
If she’s not a virgin and has no infections, then 3 or 13 is pretty much the same (unless you live in a small town – then it just becomes embarrassing, but I still need to know that so that I can manage my expectations).
Whether it’s one or more, we’re still swapping test results before connecting. It simply makes sense in the era of HIV, etc..
@Caballeroso,
Um…I guess I can understand this logic of thought, but then again I’m not a guy.
What does her number have to do with anything? She could have a high number and still be a prude or uncomfortable talking about the “do”. She could have a really low number and be able to ride you like a champ until the cows come home.
Expections? We all have them, I just don’t think you can get that type of info from a number.
This goes for men’s numbers as well.
@Caballeroso,
I am curious though: what does the exact number tell you that clear and concise questions about s3x and her attitude towards s3x won’t tell you?
I mean maybe instead of knowing a number, you can ask her what she likes in bed or what parts of her body is sensitive etc… You are already exchanging test results. The rest can be fodder for conversation (and practice). I am just wondering what knowing a number like 12 will accomplish.
@Pinks,
Yeesh. I’m on that Mario Winans “I Don’t Wanna Know”. Although I’ve had that info volunteered and was pleasantly surprised. Turns out a lot of men are pickier than I thought.
c/s Smiley that the test is what matters. Watching one my good friends lose her uncle to that dieslow was enough to make that isht REAL. I also lost a friend in 8th grade who was born with it.
@Me fail english?,
Me either! A good friend of mine and my honey has numbers in the triple digits. He also has a daughter, which I thought would’ve slowed him down by now, but he’s still plodding on. In a case like that, I’d want to know what is so mucked up in your life/brain to make you want to bed THAT MANY people…especially when you’re only 23!!
@Pinks,
“I’d want to know what is so mucked up in your life/brain to make you want to bed THAT MANY people”
Good point! Triple digits sounds like psychological/addiction type stuff… I might wanna know about that.
My take on it:
Monogamy is not natural.
Do not get married.
Everyone cheats.
Let’s move on, you filthy humans.
@CPT Callamity,
“Let’s move on, you filthy humans.”
Filthy? I use Dove soap! I’m sparkly clean!
@CPT Callamity, uh I don’t… that is all.
@Yeah…SO?!,
I know. I was being a bit sarcastic but seriously…all I ever read and hear about 90% of the time and almost consistently for the past few months is cheat cheat cheat. I mean honestly, if all people talk about are cheaters, then what is it about them that attracts this dishonesty? Better yet, if it’s not marriage, why are they making such a big friggin deal out of it? Sick of cheating. Tiger should’ve gotten some escorts that would’ve STFU.
@CPT Callamity, Tiger should’ve gotten some escorts that would’ve STFU.
hahaha! Word.
@CPT Callamity, Though I do agree with you about Tiger(got-damn can we talk about something else)… I think it’s an important convo to be had… I just hate it’s currently the ONLY one being had.
@CPT Callamity,
Damn dirty apes!!
Personally, I’ve always had different ideas towards cheating or sex. I don’t necessarily believe physical relations is cheating, sex is not that big of a deal to me. It would be even less of deal to me, if there were no possibilities of exchanging STD’s or sum sh!t.
But on the other hand I believe creating emotional connections with other people is cheating, I dnt like that at all. Its my pimp complex, I suppose. U can eff whoever u want, but it shudn’t lead anywhere from your pants and upward. No m!ndf^ucking is to commence. Primarily kno what you want n get what you want. Because its a diff. from ur girl effin a dude, and a dude effin ur girl. I dnt need a cat, I need a lioness that already has motives not a victim type chick.
Consequently I’ve never found it hard to be faithful to a woman I had strong feelings for, even though I get around like H1N1 sprayed in front of a fan, at times. I love being committed, but at the same time I like bisexual chicks. So I like to get my cake n eat it too.
This sort of thinkin may have derived from a few long distance relationships and the understanding that sumtimes a guy or girl jus need to get them sum until daddy comes home. At the same time I dnt promote infidelity, but I dnt stress over it either.
U have people in your life that are mainstays n I’ve always been a mainstay type, n I’ve usually always have broken up LTR’s also. I guess its my calling. I have a big Ego at times. I feel like I’m more than human at times nn could give 2 f^cks if u f^cked a mortal.
So…do I expect my partner to cheat…short answer yes. And this is why;
Throughout my life I have crept with other peoples wives, girl friends, love interests, childhood crushes etc. I’ve heard the lies they told their men, and I have witnessed just how scandalous women can be. I got married, and discovered just how many women (both single and married) wanted to mess with me JUST BECAUSE I was married. So call me a cynic…monogamy is great though unrealistic. I have accepted it as a fact of life. Its either a matter of time before it happens, and/or a question of whether you will find out or not.
@HabitualLineCrossa, you are a gentleman and a scholar my dear sir. I don’t understand how people can just lack the emotional intelligence and humility to accept that it is a part of life.
@xave, folks kill me with that. we’ve all witnessed/experienced the situation, and we know the stats. its not just men, women creep much much more than they admit to it. its human nature. i’ll never understand people that ignore the facts and opt to live in a bubble because it makes them feel better. this is after all…real life.
@HabitualLineCrossa,
I don’t know that anyone’s ignoring reality so much as they’re hoping they’re different. If you know you’re in an average, run-of-the-mill rel’ship then you should expect avg run-of-the-mill stuff to take place.
But if you’re in love that’s special. You should hope (dare I say, expect) that you will do better than the avg cheating rel’ship. That’s like raising a kid to believe “Well, only xx% of kids ever get into med school so none of you should try being doctors.”
And I’m not one of those who believes the minute a man makes me his woman I’m his wife in training.
@Me fail english?,
i’m not sayin don’t try. sheiiiiit i wish errbody happiness and orgasms in abundance from a fulfilling relationship of their choosing. i am however a realist, and the realist in me observes relationships for what they are and not how i wish they could be. i disagree that infidelity = run-of-the-mill relationship. that just sounds so negative lol. steppin out is only one aspect of a relationship. some of the best relationships i’ve seen had infidelity in them. i just don’t believe it should be the end all be all, esp since i attribute that behavior to human nature. but we have butted heads on this before. you view notion of side dishes as archaic, whereas i think they are as prevalent today as they were way back when. so instead of taking a hard line rejection of them and the services they provide, i think they warrant closer inspection, and some leeway
if not outright acceptance, but hey thats just one mans theory.again, i came to this conclusion from messing with women that belonged to other men. i realized that women were deep in the game too. so my attitude is, why are we all kidding ourselves? if you feel the need to dip off then dip off. home is home. and if you don’t wanna be home then sign these here docs and wish you the best. it goes for her too. i’d never try to stop her from gettin it in with a person of her choosing
provided its a womanlol.just sayin that I think monogamy is unnatural, and when folks male/female fall short of that standard, we only have ourselves to blame for expecting it in the first place. if it happens, kudos…if it doesn’t, oh well.
@Me fail english?,
lol@ “the services they provide” Just turrble!
“you view notion of side dishes as archaic, whereas i think they are as prevalent today as they were way back when”
I don’t think I said that! But you’re right I think the “Men are hunters” line of reasoning is outdated. To the rest I’ll just agree to disagree.
@HabitualLineCrossa, steppin out is only one aspect of a relationship. some of the best relationships i’ve seen had infidelity in them. i just don’t believe it should be the end all be all, esp since i attribute that behavior to human nature…
If you view having side dishes as necessary tho, then why not just release yourself and your partner from the expectation of monogamy and have an open marriage – that is a modern spin on the belief that monogamy is unnatural. One of the worst parts of infidelity is the constant lying. That may be worse than the physical act.
@HabitualLineCrossa, steppin out is only one aspect of a relationship. some of the best relationships i’ve seen had infidelity in them. i just don’t believe it should be the end all be all, esp since i attribute that behavior to human nature…
If you view having side dishes as necessary tho, then why not just release yourself and your partner from the expectation of monogamy and have an open marriage – that is a modern spin on the belief that monogamy is unnatural. One of the worst parts of infidelity is the constant lying.
@xave, I don’t know if it’s emotional intelligence as much as it is lack of faith in the people you love and believe to love you…
@Yeah…SO?!, According to the law of averages, based on the aforementioned study, Habitiaul line crossa and myself are right.
@xave, sorry- I never considered myself average… but, all the best to both of you with that.
@Yeah…SO?!, well since you transced reality, i guess you will be in the rapture then
@xave, won’t you join me?
@HabitualLineCrossa, “So call me a cynic”
will do…Hi A Cynic *waves*
@Smiley Face, LOL…fair nuff. i personally think its a healthier perspective to take than one of denial.
@HabitualLineCrossa,
and thusly you are entitled to think so, lol
@HabitualLineCrossa,
i personally think its a healthier perspective to take than one of denial.
Could there be a middle ground between cynic and denial called reality? Perhaps?
@Sula, Good answer!
Cheating is the most selfish thing a person can do in a relationship. Period. You forsake your partner, what you shared, your memories, your good times, your union, your promises, your health, your trust, your integrity, and your intimacy to BUST ONE. Yes, I had to say it as blunt and graphic as that, because there is no beauty in such a selfish act. If cheating is not an option for you, and is totally unacceptable , you won’t do it. You’ll end things or speak about your urges before acting on them. You can’t control another adult person (nor would I want to), but I do see the value of a “soul tie” OrangeStar616 mentioned. You hope for a relationship on that level. Being connected with someone on that level doesn’t allow that amount of selfishness in. If you make infidelity an option, it’ll manifest. If you don’t, you’ll act in ways that’ll be more respectful to you and your partner by ending things or saying how you feel. To keep from typing an essay, no this is not the end all statement and their are circumstances and context that come into play. But I think those dismal stats have a lot to do with folks not being connected on that level or allowing cheating to be a viable option.
@legitimate_soul, If you make infidelity an option, it’ll manifest.
I think this is a great way to look at it.
This article is on point, and it asks a question that anyone with any type of sense should be asking themselves these days. Would I expect a man to cheat on me? Well, I certainly wouldn’t dismiss the idea of it out of my mind, but that doesn’t say that I would accept it either. If it did happen, I guess how we would go forward (or not go forward) would depend on the situation. I think whenever you decide to take the plunge of falling in love with someone, you have to mentally prepare yourself for the guarantee of hard times just as much as you look forward to the bliss of good times. BTW, why did you even have to mention The Temptations Mini-Series? LMBO!!! I am so gone off that movie, and I wish someone would call me with some ol’ foolywangery type ‘ish while I was watching my joint! I’d end up on Dateline or 48 Hours behind some nonsense like that!
1. When I read the title to this post I thought to myself “Nope, never in a million years my husband is the greatest person on earth.” And I mean that 130%.
2. More than half is a sad number for infidelity in marriage.
3. There a whole lotta sad, lonely unfulfilled people posting here.
You get what you put out. No you cannot control someone else’s actions. But if you are committed, loving, and honesty then you’re on the right track. Cheating is not ok. And if you’re not married it does not mean you’re single. I think that you get back what you put out. If you approach a relationship as something to do “for now” then people shouldn’t be surprised if that’s what they get. You can’t expect to find the right person for you if you treat every relationship like a diversion. You don’t just wake up and deciede “Hmm I like this person, we should get married.” This takes work. Also, you don’t have time to cheat if you’re spending real quality time with each other.
Why are we so willing to work hard for everything else in life, but not this; school, graduate degrees, work, owning houses, nice cars, everything but relationships.
@Mini,
Why are we so willing to work hard for everything else in life, but not this; school, graduate degrees, work, owning houses, nice cars, everything but relationships.
^So true! This is especially poignant!
@Mini,
We don’t want to work for anything this is not immediately gratifying…shame isn’t it?
1. When I read the title to this post I thought to myself “Nope, never in a million years my husband is the greatest person on earth.” And I mean that 130%.
2. More than half is a sad number for infidelity in marriage.
3. There a whole lotta sad, lonely unfulfilled people posting here.
You get what you put out. No you cannot control someone else’s actions. But if you are committed, loving, and honesty then you’re on the right track. Cheating is not ok. And if you’re not married it does not mean you’re single. I think that you get back what you put out. If you approach a relationship as something to do “for now” then people shouldn’t be surprised if that’s what they get. You can’t expect to find the right person for you if you treat every relationship like a diversion. You don’t just wake up and decide “Hmm I like this person, we should get married.” This takes work. Also, you don’t have time to cheat if you’re spending real quality time with each other.
Why are we so willing to work hard for everything else in life, but not this; school, graduate degrees, work, owning houses, nice cars, everything but relationships.
@Mini, because we have to TRUST someone else to work as hard… and sadly/ultimately (obviously, from most of these posts) we just don’t.
I’d expect my gf not to cheat. I’d expect my fiance not to cheat. And I’d mos def expect my wife not to cheat. Why? Well, besides the fact that I expect myself not to cheat, I’m entering into the committment, in good faith, that she’ll remain faithful. It’s a risk, but faith in anything is about taking a risk in the unseen… even if the unseen is as simple as a faithful s.o.
Maybe society is just losing its faith… or whatever faith we had to begin with.
@SouthernCharm, I couldn’t agree more.- smh
@SouthernCharm,
I agree too!
@SouthernCharm,
Man, you hit the nail on the head about faith. I agree with you totally.
@SouthernCharm, society isn’t losing faith… as long as people have existed so has infidelity. In essence that sounds amazing and I wish that it was like this in reality; however, in reality, in practice it is not so. The truth is undeniable, and more half is a whopping number which reminds us that not even those of who have not cheated (yet) is immune to such an act.
@xave, yet, really? whatever happen to self-control?
@Yeah…SO?!, so you have lived your life sin free? Or you have lived your life without pursuing pleasure? If you have you need to write a manual and publish it. Cause i need one.
Wait, i think that’s the bible. never mind.
@xave, no, definitely not sin-free, but you say “yet” as if it’s an expectation of someone else’s behavior… but, wait I thought you were talking about your own, no?
@xave, I say yet, because of how definitive you are with it. I can say, “i hope i won’t cheat”. But to admonish cheating and cheaters is like “casting the first stone” to me. Maybe this is why society has lost faith.
@xave, I think you use the example of “casting the first stone” wrongly… it’s not to say that if someone does something wrong, act like they didn’t… it’s to say that if someone does something wrong remember your own faults before you punish their’s. That being said… I’d rather not cheat or be cheated on, but if it happens it happens and I’ll deal with it then “if”(not when) it does.
@Yeah…SO?!, If you look at the thread that’s exactly what I am saying.
@xave, awww pumpkin- I thought you were saying,
“I don’t understand how people can just lack the emotional intelligence and humility to accept that (cheating) is a part of life.”
-xave
I’m not saying accept a damn thang and it ain’t a part of my life… that don’t sound the same to me, so what are you saying? You know what, don’t even worry about it… we good- honestly I’m tired.- one
@xave,
“society isn’t losing faith… as long as people have existed so has infidelity. In essence that sounds amazing and I wish that it was like this in reality; however, in reality, in practice it is not so. The truth is undeniable, and more half is a whopping number which reminds us that not even those of who have not cheated (yet) is immune to such an act.”
as long as people have existed, so have certain virtues (i.e. faith, love, etc.). what virtue, or lack thereof, do you think infidelity is the byproduct of? no wonder they call it being “unfaithful.” hmmm…
i know you’re looking at numbers, and i know the saying, “men lie. women lie. numbers don’t.” but who do you think has the ability to change numbers? people do!
furthermore, if more than half of people in committed relationships cheat, what about the other half that don’t? it’s like we’re looking at the numbers with a glass-half-empty mentality in order to justify what we wanted to do in the first place.
*drops mic
@SouthernCharm, so my dear sir pick it up. Society has lost faith because of our fixation on perfection, despite our innate ability to say one thing and do another. Let’s be honest here, who intentionally aims to do the wrong thing and hurt people. Besides sociopaths who are deviants. To be a deviant is to deviate from the norm; however, based on the study, the norm is cheating. Apparently you and I are the deviants by being faithful. Based on statistics there will, at some point, e a regression to the mean. So how do we fix it? This is my question. People are too quick to berate and admonish without providing answers (Bill Cosby).
@xave,
*picks mic back up
i disagree, society hasn’t lost faith b/c of a fixation on perfection. society has lost faith b/c of a fixation on self-gratification… and throughout time, the desire for self-gratification has become more and more instantaneous. faith requires us to look outside of ourselves.
so if faith requires us to look outside of ourselves, then the solution is taking our eyes off of ourselves and looking at the people around us… not being so self-serving. how do you not become self-serving and constantly look for self-gratification? practice self-control!
the norm isn’t so much cheating as it is a selfish, self-serving society which cheating is the byproduct of. and based on those “studies,” not only is cheating the “norm,” as you say, but so is murder, stealing, crime, or whatever other deviant behavior that can be thought of.
*drops mic again* lol
@SouthernCharm, We are agreeing partially. Man is driven by the “pleasure principle”—the need to satisfy himself and be self serving—and the “reality principle”—striving to satisfy the desires in realistic and socially appropriate ways. What has happened is that what has become socially appropriate has evolved. There are no real consequences to “cheating” anymore.(The only deterrent was the stigma, the scarlet letter).Now people wouldn’t even be stigmatized. Folks just don’t care because as far as I am concerned people are inconsistent with their values. Let’s not cheat but let’s fornicate; do not steal but lie on your taxes; let’s show compassion but disdain people for their sexual identity or skin.
You ask, “how do you not become self-serving and constantly look for self-gratification? Practice self-control!” This self control should operate outside the scope of relationships but also everyday life. Not being self righteous, ultimately, this is self serving to ones ego.
@xave,
this: “Folks just don’t care because as far as I am concerned people are inconsistent with their values.”
coupled with this: “You ask, “how do you not become self-serving and constantly look for self-gratification? Practice self-control!” This self control should operate outside the scope of relationships but also everyday life. Not being self righteous, ultimately, this is self serving to ones ego.”
practicing self control in everyday life, not just relationships… and not becoming self-righteous in the process… all of this is easier said than done. but it is the solution. For many Christians, we only know of one man who actually achieved this. and he’s who we constantly strive to be like. again, easier said than done.
nice saving the world with you though. lol
@xave, You’re right… everyone run a F*cking muck!- ya’ll crack me up with this black and white ideology… (so you just gon leave blue out of the picture?) Like one mistake/bad decision indemnifies another. Yes, practice self-control instead of making up excuses why it’s human if you don’t. It’s not human to make mistakes, it’s human to make decisions (good and bad- free will baby read about it). The point is why only give credit to making bad ones and expecting others to make bad ones just becuz people make bad decisions from time to time? I’m sayin, u gon just leave the good decisions out that isht?
@SouthernCharm, Indeed man lol. we should do this again.
@SouthernCharm, what a Great comment!
Kinda off topic:
One of Tigers’ jump-off’s having interviews talking about how hurt she was to find out she wasn’t the only jump-off, yet knew she was cheating with a married man got a flurry of “Bish, Please!” from me. The audacity of you doing dirt but thinking you immune….Bish, Please! I can’t….
@legitimate_soul,
Damn. Stupidity seems to more incurable as the days go by.
@legitimate_soul,
lol. My co-worker was just ranting about this. He says the girl said she didnt know Tiger was married either. Um, okay.
@legitimate_soul,
i’m expecting at least 4 reality shows and 9 tell-all books to come out of this whole tiger woods situation.
@SouthernCharm,
Hey at least, he’s doing his part to keep folks employed. This recession is a bish.
@legitimate_soul,
LMFAO @ the sheer ignance of being disappointed at not being the ONLY jump-off. The mind, it boggles. I mean, the simple face alone that you are a jump-off presupposes you ain’t the only one, in general. So, you shouldn’t be hurt if you ain’t the only jump-off anyway. You’re already getting used to being 2nd best.
Oh…maybe she probably realized she was 8th best. That would make anyone butthurt, I suppose.
@Cheekie,
The thing that further killt
killedit was the show leaving teasers before the commercial break talmbout “and what she has to say to Tiger’s wife..” ::Huge eyeroll and another “Bish, Please!” from me:: If I was the wife, my position would be you ain’t got a HOT dayum thang to say to me after boinkin’ my husband for 2 years. You wanna talk now? Is she serious? She been a jump-off for 2 years of a famous man but trying to act brand new like she had no idea he was married. Gurl, Bye! …and Bish, Pleeze! The jump-off in particular is Jaimee Grubbs who been the jump-off before when she was a contestant on the Tool Academy, when the err, ummm Tool’s longtime girlfriend rolled up and she got dumped then too. So not only is she a jump-off but she a thirsty one too! Thirsty for spotlight and fame. Don’t get me wrong, Tiger is all kinds of foul and I’m not trying to only come for the women, but this one in particular is especially simple.@legitimate_soul,
…and it don’t stop! My colleague who happens to be Native American shared with me that the simple one I have been lamenting about is Native American. So, Tiger did have a mistress of color. Plus, in the article my colleague shared with me, Simple Mistress has some self-hate issues claiming that her people only “drink and gamble” and she only dates white guys while saying disparaging things about her people. Tiger and her were two peas in a pod. It’s sad.
For those who said Tiger should have paid for an escort….Turns out he did that too. Wow.
It was truly a pain for me to find the inital post, so I’m just gonna copy and paste this bish:
Author: Me fail english?
Comment:
@Sula,
“Agreed. I also notice a lot of “If you don’t love me the way I expect you to love me then you must not really love me at all.”
No (c) t-lee.
Everybody isn’t your perfect mirror image that’s gonna express love how you do. If you can’t get used to how they express just say you aint wit it and move on.”
I think it’s very important to find someone who speaks your “love language”. People in general don’t take enough time to get to know themselves and really figure out not only how they communicate and express their love, but how they like to receive it as well. I think that’s a cause of many problems in relationships. Because if the couple was speaking the same love lanugage, there would be no need to cheat….unless of course your some sort of nympho a la Eric Benet.
@La Bakir, Chile wut u know bout dat Dr. Gary Chapman?… lol- I just read the book, I don’t really know his isht like dat.
@Yeah…SO?!, *smiles* my BFF always has some sort of self-improvement books goings ons, so I read it….and took the online test,lol. What can I say? At least I’m clear on my love language,lol.
@SouthernCharm, *crosses legs, puts thumb to ear, pinky to mouth*- call me (wink).
@Yeah…SO?!, I effed-up… don’t respond to this! This is a response to another post GOT-DAMN VSB!
@Yeah…SO?!,
hilarious!
@SouthernCharm, I know- that was a Tiger move right there… all out in the OPEN!- DAMN, I’m slippin! LOL
Damn I’m like mad late in here today…. Little side story, i went to my company’s holiday party last night and ended getting a little too twisted and had to stay my a** home today lol. spent the whole morning in the bathroom doing numbers 1-4 or some combination thereof.. *yes your daily dose of TMI*
Anyways, I wish I could engage with you all but i’ve come to realization by late afternoon the party’s pretty much dead in here lol. But I will just add my two cents of the day… Do I expect my partner to cheat? No. Do I put it past them – No. I don’t put anything past anyone anymore. Like some of others have said, all you can do is have faith and handle your business when it comes to keeping your SO/spouse happy. But ultimately you cannot control if someone cheats on you. People are going to do what they want to do no matter what. But I did read on another site that although you can’t fully prevent someone from cheating on you, but if you notice suspiscious and/or flukey, questionable behvaior early on, you may be able to interject and address whatever issues you may be having with your partner to prevent things from getting out of control. Because I believe that whenever someone decides to stray, the red flags are always there beforehand. We just choose to ignore them or just be oblivious. But theres always gonna be something that aint quite right one day.. all the sudden they have to go on a “business trip” or you can’t get ahold of them for hours at a time or all they sudden they have all these events and parties to attend and you’re conveniently not invited for whatever reason or they come home really late one night out of the blue. Unless your man/woman is screwing prostitutes or having random one night stands or just one-off screws, there has to be at least some time and energy spent building a relationship with that other person. Its easy to make up excuses and alibis when youre out doing dirt but its hard to devote the same level of interest and amount of energy and/or emotion to your relationship if youre cheating. And THATS where it begins… not the actual act itself.
@BKSweetheart, There are some simple rules to follow to not get caught if cheating. I have observed this over the course so my life. Watch my father, brothers, sisters and friends.
1. Never cheat with someone who has nothing to lose by getting caught. Both parties having something to lose will ensure tact and accountability. You can’t have 1 billion dollars and have extramarital affairs with a waitress. She has all to gain from getting caught.
2. If you are going to ignore rule one, make sure that the cheating isn’t ongoing. One nigh stands and random hooks. So if some one is to oust you, it can be denied.
3. If cheating, treat your life like every move you make is being watched. Since the cheating scene is a “crime scene” one must be vigilant.
4. Simple rule* Avoid cheating in the same town or municipality. Make sure you are separated by at least 4 exits or a bridge/tunnel or something.
5. Remember where you belong. (this is something my homeboy preaches) You are not dating the girl you are cheating with. So it’s an indoor thing. No dinners, bars, movies etc. Also, there is no sleeping going on. Go home and go home alone.
6. If you are going to ignore 5, NO CASH. Don’t get caught by a receipt.
I just say don’t do it. It requires too much energy.
Tiger-gate and the number of infidelity articles and blog posts that have followed led me to begin to question if my girlfriend of two years is indeed serious about her vow to stay faithful. It’s hard not to believe her when she’s looking in my eyes but those times when I’m not there I can’t help but wonder. Everyone from her co-workers to her neighbor has tired to get in her pants since we’ve been dating, is it only a matter of time before she begins to wonder if the grass is indeed greener on the other side? Unsettling indeed.
I just want honesty. It’s natural for feelings between two people to change over time and it’s very possible for a married couple to “grow apart” but cheating isn’t the way to go. Talk about it and if you decide you really can no longer stand being with that person than leave before engaging in relations with someone else. The thing that hurts the most about being cheated on is the feeling that the other person had no regard for your feelings. Like you’re suposed to be my best friend. How could you even go there? Even if you don’t love me anymore? or never did… how could you hurt me in that way? and then lie about it later…
the stats on this look a little dubious to me…
but even if they are, i think a substantial amount of folk do cheat. i think it means people should be wary, but not fear too much…if you let the fear overtake you, you’re bound to look crazy, obsessed, and incapable of trust.
that said, deep down i’ve worried about it in every relationship i’ve been in. but as ya say, if they do it…cut the off w/ the quickness
*but even if they are correct
I just don’t expect much from most women, cheating would be far too ambitious, unless it was for slightly more money than she could earn in a month or some overpriced cheap trinket.
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