*By the way, in this post I’m using this logic: She believes she deserves closure, so he owes it to her. That’s why owe and deserve are used almost interchangeably.
Over the past couple of weeks, I’ve had a long running debate with a friend of mine about the way her relationship ended and the fact she, like many people before her – both men and women – didn’t receive any closure. Essentially, she has no idea what happened. All she knows is that it was all good just a week ago.
Dude used to be her homey. Now he acts like he don’t even know she.
One of the biggest problems with most breakups that don’t end because of some sort of landmark event – think cheating, spitting on mom dukes, pulling a Kanye – is that one person is always going to end up with more questions than answers.
Why did we break up? What really happened? Why did you just stop calling? Was it something I did? Was it something you did?
Basically, there is a big whiskey tango foxtrot hanging around for much longer than it needs to be. Now the central argument me and my friend are having is that she believes she deserves closure. She thinks that she should have answers to her questions. Even if she already knows the answers (me and others have pretty much told her what happened) she still wants to hear it from him.
For some reason, people always want to hear it directly from the source. We just want to know that our feelings are confirmed so we can justify our pissedoffedness. To them.
Only problem is that I don’t think she is owed sh*t.
Now that might sound slightly coldblooded but the truth is they aren’t together anymore; why should he tell her anything? She’s pissed at him and really, the only reason she wants to know is so that she can stop making up the answers in her head and so that she can probably vent on him. Which is fair, I suppose. Except dude wants nothing to do with answering her questions or answering to her. Once you’re broken up, the ability to scream on anybody is rendered moot. I feel like once you’re broken up, you don’t have to put up with anybody’s anger or unhappiness. Which is why I don’t think she’s owed anything.
Sure it would be nice if he’d fess up to the fact that (it seems) he just decided he wasn’t interested anymore. But nice has nothing to do with what she’s deserved. I feel like you deserve second chances. You deserve warm weather and a shot at success. You deserve ice cream. And if you’re in a relationship, you deserve answers.
Once that last part of the equation is out of whack, well, you get what you get. And most of the time that’s nothing.
Closure is an interesting process. By breaking up with somebody, you get your closure. You’ve closed the door on that chapter for as long as it may stay closed. You are essentially cleansing yourself of a situation that did not bring you joy. But what about the other person? In my mind, once you’re broken up, its the time when you should be the most selfish. What do you owe it to somebody else to ease their mind? Further, why subject yourself to their constant questioning and nitpicking and ultimate, anger, over what you’ve done.
This isn’t exactly what happened with her by the way, she dropped her dude because he started acting like a p*ssy, but it speaks to the larger point. She dropped him because he essentially went AWOL on her in every possible way. She had no choice but she wants to know why he became who he is now towards her. And its become the case of constant pisstivity (thanks to current social networking practices) because she can keep up with him and see him living his life fine while she’s still trying to figure out just what the f*ck happened.
She just wants to know why. And that’s fair. But I don’t think it will add anything to her life anyway aside from another reason to be mad at him. For some reason, most women (and some men) swear that knowing the truth will somehow make things better.
This is not so and never has been the case. The truth only makes the pain shorter in duration. It does not negate the pain.
Anyway, my suggestion? Just let the dude be a p*ssy. But he doesn’t owe her anything.
But maybe I’m wrong. Maybe everybody is owed an explanation. And I’ve been there before and wanted one, and at the time I thought it deserved it. But truly, that person owed me nothing. We’re not friends now and never will be.
So what say you VSBs and VSSs?
Are we owed closure?
-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3
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{ 234 comments… read them below or add one }
We want respect but aren’t owed it. Sometimes we get it (when someone doesn’t hire you they send you a not, make a call, leave a message).
If I were her, I would leave it alone and never speak of it again. Why? Because once you’re broken up, men EXPECT you to seek closure. It feeds the ego. “She must’ve really liked me. Ergo, I must be the shyt.” But if upon break up, the woman does NOTHING, the man will come to her offering closure. BTW, closure doesn’t exist. It’s some BS mags have made up.
@Ms. Smart,
I agree with this whole comment. Easier said than done, but I agree.
@Ms. Smart,
What she needs is a rebound brotha. Even if dude (her ex) comes to her and says “listen, I changed because of …..”, she still won’t know anything. Is he lying? Is he just trying to get her to stop stalking him? Is he trying to piss her off more?
But don’t act like its just men who feed on that ego thing. Women do that same ish. They be wantin for you to be cryin over them just so that when they and their next man break up they can have you to fall back on.
This whole dating game is just a ****ed up experience.
@afterthought, I disagree wholeheartedly with the rebound dude. Once he’s gone, she’s going to be dealing with TWO ‘break-ups’. She needs to grieve now, not one chex partner from now. A simple way of doing it would be to grieve for one week for every year they were together. Any additional months remaining beyond that, she can grieve one day for each. After that, pretend he died. I know it sounds morbid but it works.
Also, I wouldn’t know what women do per se because I have never dated one. But I guess they could be on some ego stroking ride too.
@Ms. Smart,
You’re advocating prolonged grieving? I know about putting the “ZZZZZZ” in front of their name to make sure that I don’t call them one night, and I know about moping around asking my friends “what happened?”. Other than that, I know about moving on. And the only way to move on is to get back into the dating pool and see whats up.
@afterthought,
LMAO @ “I know about putting the “ZZZZZZ” in front of their name”
@afterthought, OK so that read very literal. I DID NOT mean it literally. Well, the death part, I did. But I mean that you need to accept this as a loss and give yourself a set time to grieve. Focus on you, not the dude.
But…
If you find yourself wondering, trust that it’s a loss for the man too. He just started the disengagement and grieving process before you knew what was happening.
@Ms. Smart,
A simple way of doing it would be to grieve for one week for every year they were together. Any additional months remaining beyond that, she can grieve one day for each.
Definitely don’t agree with that. But to each his own…
@K to the…, OK so that read very literal. I DID NOT mean it literally. Well, the death part, I did. But I mean that you need to accept this as a loss and give yourself a set time to grieve. Focus on you, not the dude.
But…
If you find yourself wondering, trust that it’s a loss for the man too. He just started the disengagement and grieving process before you knew what was happening.
@afterthought,
I agree. Which is why I never seek closure. For all you kno his asz is gonna lie. If he’s a real jerk he may even twist the knife a lil deeper to get a reaction out of you. If somebody stalked me out for closure, esp if Im tired of dealing wit they ass, I’d deliberately say smthg mean so they’d leave me alone for good. (Maybe I’m a jerk…). I dont like being made to feel I OWE anybody anything. I’ve never given birth.
Also, what if somebody just cant articulate their feelings well and you still wind up with little to no answers? I guess the real reason I never seek closure is cause I dont believe a dude can tell me anything I didnt already know. I doubt these women/men are hearing anything they didnt guess within the first 5 minutes of hearing the news. Gluttons for punishment.
@Me fail english?,
I’ll just add that I know a lot of intellectual people who can turn ANYTHING into an argument, and they start using logic and reason to argue about things. But thats ignoring the emotions involved in it. So yeah, like you said, sometimes it can be REAL hard to talk to them about your feelings cause they may try to use logic to convince you that your feelings are wrong.
That make sense to you, cause it makes no sense to me.
@afterthought,
Makes perfect sense. The reason I avoid long, detailed talks when in a break-up is cause it either turns into a venting session (“You’re not so hot yourself!”) or a debate (“I was NEVER mean to your cat and here’s the diagram that proves it!”) . Eff outta here, dude! These stupid ass convos are why Im opting out of future convos.
@Me fail english?, for me i think thats part of the problem. generally, you already know. but people just want to hear it so they can say “this ninja admitted xyz…”
nobody is going to change their life behind the person that is no longer apart of their life. even if its true, it loses credibility b/c of the source. its really a pointless exercise in masochistic behavior.
@Me fail english?, Jerk? Yeah maybe. LOL
@Ms. Smart,
“We want respect but aren’t owed it. Sometimes we get it (when someone doesn’t hire you they send you a not, make a call, leave a message). ”
Well, like respect we can “earn” closure. I think closure is earned when you’ve put time, effort, and YOUR HEART into a relationship. It ain’t cool to abruptly drop someone without telling them why after everything they’ve put into you and the relationship.
@Cheekie, It’s not cool but you can’t force someone to give you validation of your feelings, reasons for the break-up, etc. And sometimes you have to accept that the person you were with doesn’t feel you’re worth enough to have your questions answered. In doing that, you have to accept that maybe, just maybe, you didn’t know the person as well as you thought, or you didn’t mean as much as you thought you meant to the person.
@Ms. Smart,
“It’s not cool but you can’t force someone to give you validation of your feelings, reasons for the break-up, etc.”
Yup, you’re right. You can’t force anyone to do anything, actually. I’m just saying it’s not cool. Which, it still isn’t, no matter what I can or cannot do about it. If someone just said “no” to my request to explain their reasoning, I’d just have to accept it, call that person a jacka*s and move forward. Bygones and whatnot. lol
@Ms. Smart,
I don’t know if we aren’t owed respect… but I agree with the general premise that we aren’t owed anything… especially not “closure”…
Yes, she IS owed closure. But I am pretty sure that I owe the Howard University library sistem $20 bucks for that New Edition biography I checked out for no reason, but they will never get it.
It’s good for your karma. It’s good for the other person and the subsequent people they date. He’s a coward. So am I, riding this same situation in reverse and trying to find the courage to do the right thing (I didn’t cut him off, I thought we was just done, but I was wrong…long story, not for the webs).
She can just do what a lot of victims (real or percieved) do and rest comfortably in the space of moral victory. HE was wrong for not formally ending things. HE is an ass. Hopefully, she can move forward and not obsess over the ‘whys’ and ‘what fors’. Easier said than done though.
Men have a hard time hurting you face to face (or via the phone). Even when they don’t want to hurt you, like most living things, their first obligation is to protect themselves. And hurting someone…hurts. So, he may be trying to save himself the pain of owning up to the pain he cause. Or maybe is just an asshole and could care less.
Either way…sister, PLEASE do not make your friends spend hours on the phone trying to figure out why he did it, will he come back, etc. Do NOT call or text him. He knows you want to speak to him and he is avoiding you. Don’t give him the pleasure or pain of hearing you plead for answers. Here is the only answer you need: it.is.over. F^ck him. Actually….do NOT ever f^ck him again. You are too fly to be depressed (C. Sister Ne-Yo). Have your mourning period and then have your morning. Move on. You deserve better.
@Sister Toldja,
lmao at Sister Ne-Yo…. and uhmmm where were you with this knowledge when I was 20 and heartbroken??? lol
Now that I know how not to act after a break up, I feel like I’m waiting for my next relationship… just so it can end, and I can prove I’m good at breaking up. lol.
@Sister Toldja, lol, sweetie, return harvards property to them, it’s the right thing do do!
@superwoman, returning the book would be the right thing to do, but, i think you can cite issues with administration/financial aid/and walking up hills as justification, lol.
@Sister Toldja, MY GIRL!
“Either way…sister, PLEASE do not make your friends spend hours on the phone trying to figure out why he did it, will he come back, etc. Do NOT call or text him. He knows you want to speak to him and he is avoiding you. Don’t give him the pleasure or pain of hearing you plead for answers. Here is the only answer you need: it.is.over. F^ck him. Actually….do NOT ever f^ck him again. You are too fly to be depressed (C. Sister Ne-Yo). Have your mourning period and then have your morning. Move on. You deserve better.”
This was golden, if sista is reading this, I hope she internalizes your words. I’m with you, I may be hurt, crying, but only my closest will see it. Aint no man worth spending a moment depressed, especially when I know he could care less, or even worse, is too coward to come clean.
@Sister Toldja,
i’m just amazed Howard let you graduate with a bill. if i owed $0.13 to Spelman College they wouldn’t hand over my degree until my remaining balance was paid in full lol
@Gem of the Ocean, They probably couldn’t find a record of her still having the book. Oh but trust, if she needs a transcript 15 years from now, they will tell her she needs to pay for that book before she gets anything.
@Sister Toldja,
Man, I missed you ’round these parts.
And I couldn’t have said it better myself.
@Sister Toldja, chuuuurch!
also in regards to this: “PLEASE do not make your friends spend hours on the phone trying to figure out why he did it, will he come back, etc.” i’ve been on the receiving end and guilty of this. and my experience has told me that even your best friends don’t want to hear you whine for longer than 2 weeks. after that, they set up their phones, text and chat programs with auto responses. lol. ‘hours’ are reserved for therapy.
@Sister Toldja,
sometimes we speak of men like they’re cowardly lions without hearts. if you’ve been in relationship with someone for an extended amount of time, there has to be feelings associated with it. hell even if you’ve been in a situationship (with a married woman) for a time, there are still feelings.
in the case of the “coward” im sure he is hurt to some extent by the situation. it could be easier to break it off. hell, im assuming he told her he didn’t want to be there anymore… i mean what else is there to say? if you rob a bank and get caught, you don’t ask the cop’per why he’s throwing you in the slammer. she has to have some inclination as to why sun is leaving her like Lucky left Chicago.
we must admit that break ups are tough. men and woman both suck at it… women will break up with you, take you back and break up with you again for the same thing that she left for in the first place. let’s keep it funky people, people are terrible. its no science to an easy break up.
@Sister Toldja, Love this post
@Sister Toldja, Men have a hard time hurting you face to face (or via the phone). Even when they don’t want to hurt you, like most living things, their first obligation is to protect themselves. And hurting someone…hurts. So, he may be trying to save himself the pain of owning up to the pain he cause. Or maybe is just an asshole and could care less.
i pretty much think that sums up the whole situation right there. right or wrong (mostly wrong) it is one of those man vs woman things that we all know but hate to acknowledge. he just didnt want to tell her the truth and forced her hand. now he’s happily unattached to her while she’s got me writing posts on VSB.
@Panama Jackson, although this is a punk-a** move, he should write her a letter. It’s impersonal he can mail it and POOF disappear. And she can have some sort of answer. But then again, that would take time out of his life and show that he cares – so I guess it defeats the purpose.
Then again I wonder what I would do if a dude wrote me a letter after we broke up. I guess it all depends on the situation.
@Sister Toldja,
“Have your mourning period and then have your morning.”
I LOVE the way you put this. Glad to see ya ’round here again.
@Sister Toldja,
You had the book? Man, I hate you, I wanted to read all about Bobby.
Sike
“I feel like once you’re broken up, you don’t have to put up with anybody’s anger or unhappiness. Which is why I don’t think she’s owed anything…And if you’re in a relationship, you deserve answers.”
So the proposed rule is that accountability to the partner is deserved only during the relationship — not after. A woman can go from deserving answers to deserving no answers via a break up that is outside her own control (ie she got dumped). A man can go from owing answers to owing no answers via a break up that is his own unilateral decision.
In reality, ppl disclose what they want known, whether involved in a rltnsp or not. Forget “deserve.” Forget “owe.”
@inHIcotton, So the proposed rule is that accountability to the partner is deserved only during the relationship — not after. A woman can go from deserving answers to deserving no answers via a break up that is outside her own control (ie she got dumped). A man can go from owing answers to owing no answers via a break up that is his own unilateral decision.
right or wrong, i think this is all absolutely right.
i guess, if i REALLY think about it – we’re not OWED closure, as such- but it’s a mature and respectful gesture to at least let someone know why you’re ending things – it’s not like you have to go into a world of detail, either – just let them know respectfully – but damn, LET THEM KNOW.
unless things were really crappy, you wouldn’t just walk out of your job, would you? you’d tender your resignation like a thinking, mature adult and keep it moving. why would you treat your (soon to be ex) significant lover any differently. (again, if things were really shi!tty, feel free to disappear into the dark night with no explanation whatsoever…. let them put the pieces together)
i really don’t rate people who can’t even get it together to have a 10 minute conversation about why they’re ending a relationship, i mean WTF? just seems cowardly and immature to me.
PLUS it lessens your chances of a deranged ex screeching your name at your doorstep at 3am (this happened to a friend of mine when we were in high school. we were in 11th grade, she was second year college – he still lived at home, and his parents were STRICT. this woman showed up, screaming buck naked at his doorstep! at 3am!! …. in mbabane, swaziland! i wish i could make you understand within this context how scandalous that was, swaziland’s quite conservative…
the poor guy was in such trouble with his folks who were CONVINCED that he’d done her some grevous ill for her to flip out like that… we all killed ourselves laughing at school on some ‘you should’ve just taken ten minutes out to break up with her!!!’
because his parents were so sympathetic to her, she milked it for all it was worth – they brought her into the house, lent her his sisters clothes, gave her a cuppa tea and scones… she ended up staying for THREE WEEKS!!! he hated going home, and hung out on campus after school with us boarders for as long as he could… ha ha ha, just remembering it, i kill myself laughing all over again.
i guess this long-a$$ reminiscence is why i’m a big fan of closure.
@superwoman,
i completely co-sign your 1st 3 paragraphs. my exact thoughts. goomh.
@superwoman, i guess, if i REALLY think about it – we’re not OWED closure, as such- but it’s a mature and respectful gesture to at least let someone know why you’re ending things – it’s not like you have to go into a world of detail, either – just let them know respectfully – but damn, LET THEM KNOW.
i feel you but that’s completely unrealistic. you’re telling me that you actually believe dude can just say to her “i wasn’t feeling you anymore” and she’d leave it alone? there’s not a woman alive who’s going to start a line of questioning and leave it there. for one, no answer is really going to be good enough at the time. sure, 7 months later she’ll say, well at least he was honest, but for now, it’s a sting of “whys” and insufficient responses.
there’s no reason in hell any dude should put himself in front of hte firing squad out of “respect” for a chick he has no desires to deal with ever again. let’s be real…it’s not like she’s going to really feel any better about it anyway.
@Panama Jackson,
i feel you but that’s completely unrealistic. you’re telling me that you actually believe dude can just say to her “i wasn’t feeling you anymore” and she’d leave it alone?
That’s gospel truth right there. It can’t be done. I think any angry break up is best for everyone. She get some sort of moral high ground and he gets to move on. It’s the fuel to power her through it all.
I think a big part is (most) men cannot just heartlessly hurt a woman’s feelings. I can’t hurt a complete strangers’ feelings. It must be the tears and the fact I don’t want to see them. I can’t talk to a woman like I do my boys with a “Man the Eff up!”
@superwoman,
I agree that it’s a “nice” thing to have and do. But, bottom line is she is NOT owed anything at all.
People get in real trouble when they start walking around expecting stuff.
(Wrong) Expectations are the mother of most f*ck ups.
Closure is a load of crap. We (me) say that because it is what you are supposed to say. It is not like if a guy told me he left me because of some aspect of my personality that I would change it. People need to open their eyes that some relationships just end because you are not compatible, simple as that. Conversely, some relationships end over things that if the guy/girl told you exactly, it would crush your spirit and deeply hurt you. Honestly, I’d rather not know. The truth may set you free, but what fun is free with a limping a$$ spirit?…
@Naturally Alise,
I want to know why that person not wanting you anymore is not enough? Thats all I need.
@Humble_One aka $5 Footlong,
I want to know why that person not wanting you anymore is not enough? Thats all I need.
Word.Life.
@Naturally Alise,
Co-Sign!! It’s not even the not-knowing because if we can’t discuss things while in this relationship what makes you think we’re going to discuss problems outside of this relationship.
How many times do you need the other person to ‘tell’ you to kiss their @ss before you finally understand.
@Smiley Face,
Cosign all of this isht!
Why does all communication have to be verbal? There’s plenty in his actions that says (Im assuming) “I dont want to be around you”.
As for the truth setting you free, I’m not sure I can even agree with that. When I was younger I used to ruminate over all the isht going on in my rel’ships (romantic or otherwise). Then I figured out it was a waste of time because:
a) Im my own biggest critic. If there’s something about me you see as flawed and I havent taken steps to change it… that’s cause I dont see it as a flaw and wont be changing it.
b)If you tell me smthg negative it’ll just add insult to injury and I’ll be even MORE pissed. I’d imagine a less confrontational person becoming insecure about perceived flaw.
c) Until you stop contacting the person, for any reason, you haven’t begun the “move-on” process which is where closure really begins.
d) I just dont like the idea of lecturing or being lectured on all the isht that’s wrong with you/me. And if it’s not a lecture it’s a damn debate. Like someone mentioned above, if I was interested in still debating you I wouldnta broke up in the first.
Panama’s friend’s boyfriend is lame as hell. And as her boyfriend I think he DID owe it to her to break-up. But now that it’s over she’s better off leaving it alone. The closure talk has been known to bring up just as many new questions (read:insecurities) as it answers.
@Me fail english?,
Exactly!
@Me fail english?,
i definitely feel you on this list. i’m very similar. except, i still ruminate on stuff, even though i know its a waste of time. i’m a prisoner of my own thoughts. tryna work on that (i recognize this not as a flaw but as a counterproductive mechanism i need to get over).
@Naturally Alise, if this comment was a hot dog. i’d put some ketchup and mustard on it and then sell it in NYC while Alicia Keys sang really loud about the fact that NY is where dreams were made of.
Well, maybe I just think if you cared enough to be with someone, you should maybe care enough to ease their mind a little. But that is completely one-sided logic…cuz I will quickly say what I have to say and let that be it. But because I said ANYthing that should be sufficient for closure, right?
Whatever. Your friend should let it go. But that is a lot easier said than done…sometimes.
@kidSistah, “Well, maybe I just think if you cared enough to be with someone, you should maybe care enough to ease their mind a little.”
word.
but this also depends on the type of relationship u had. i.e. if you’re in a serious relationship with someone for 2 years and one day it all falls apart “out of the blue” then i feel like perhaps they deserve a bit of an explanation. but if it’s a 4 month thing that was meant to be a 2 week thing that just somehow got extended…well perhaps u don’t owe them too much.
however, you can usually see these things coming a mile away and should rarely be surprised once it gets to the point of breaking up.
@ChasDizz,
I agree. I find it hard to grasp the concept of a couple being close, happy, etc. and then one day the guy just never calls back. Esp. if the friends are chiming in with answers. On the low, I just think ppl who seek closure are looking for a way to re-open the lines of communication. Not necessarily cuz they wanna get back together. Just cause they’re so used to being in couple mode that they’re reluctant to really hit the off-switch. Some couples break up a few times before the final, permanent one. So it doesnt always feel totally over (read: you havent been officially dumped) til they cut off contact completely.
Problem is they guy who wanted out doesnt WANT to communicate. I think we owe it to ppl we’re not in relationships with to release the vise grip on their balls and other anatomy.
@kidSistah,
Lets be real. Relationships ain’t all golden. Its not all one side is the devil and one side is an angel. Both sides piss each other off over and over again. Mos once said “why did one straw break the camel’s back? Here’s a secret, there’s a million other straws underneath it”.
This breakup was probably coming for him for weeks if not months, but she probably didn’t see it because she was so focused on how imperfect that ninja was that she didn’t even question to herself what her problems may be. But that other ninja prolly realized that stuff. And when that last straw hit he was prolly like ‘peace’.
@afterthought,
“This breakup was probably coming for him for weeks if not months, but she probably didn’t see it because she was so focused on how imperfect that ninja was that she didn’t even question to herself what her problems may be. But that other ninja prolly realized that stuff. And when that last straw hit he was prolly like ‘peace’.”
AMEN!!! Folks see what they want to see.
I am currently in the exact same situation and really appreciated your blog on the subject but I don’t feel like I am owed anything. As the last comment said it is about respect. If you just weren’t interested anymore why not just say that instead of the not calling, ignoring stuff. That to me is childish. Respect me enough to tell me the truth, that is all I have ever asked of anyone. I have no desire to vent on someone. I just want to understand so that I can do/be better for the next man.
@Over It,
……………
@overit,
lol
@overit,
So now there’s big Over It and little overit?
Confused.
@V.E.G.,
like the big and little joker, lol
@Smiley Face, LMAO
@Smiley Face,
LMFAO…this is actually very apt. overit IS quite the jokester.
Now, I’m picturing two overits with the word “BIG” or “LITTLE” written on her forehead with a black marker.
@Cheekie,
Bwahaha!! Why did I do just that?!
@Over It, welcome. lol.
i sense a name-beef coming.
@Panama Jackson,
I nominate the beef be settled in a tap-dancing CHALLONJ. Winner takes name.
@Cheekie,
Naaahhhh, B.
This new “Over It” is straight up McDowell’s. Take your golden arcs and seedless buns elsewhere!!
…and welcome and siht
@Me fail english?,
*dead*
@Me fail english?,
LMFAO. I know in my heart you’re right. My nomination is just a strong desire to see a modern version of THE CHALLONJ. Can’t blame me. It’s an incredible scene. lol
Besides, overit has the advantage of saying her name outloud quicker. “Over It” implies a pause in between the two words. overit is one word. That pause matters. Time is money and overit saves time. Badda bing.
@Over It,
A niglet leaves VSB for TWO days and there’s a new world order, where 2 Overits exist.
If another PJ comes out the woodworks, I’m selling all my shoes and starting a website called “Apocalypse Now”. Change is scary @ me!
@Over It, totally agreed. Im in the same situation with my ex, I dont think he understands the fact im over it. Hes dating someone right now. I understand this. I get a friend request from him last week. I was the first person he added. I then send him a message letting him know what was up, and he responds with, ” well i have this really crazy gf and she would freak out if she knew we were talking, why u actin funny?” . havent heard from him since. After this, I said fuck all my other questions, the only one I want to know right now, is if you arent “allowed” to talk to me, why are you adding me on fb? so i deleted his ass. ive been wanting to do that for the past year. and ya know what/ it felt good. you might WANT closure, but you dont really NEED it to move on. what you really need to do is love yourself how you used to at the time you got into the relationship.
My ex moved all the way back to cali. Im in chicago. After that one email I got, I havent heard from him. As a matter of fact I only hear from him when hes not dating someone, which is pretty much never. Out of all ex gf hes not allowed to talk to me….Im just thinking he dosent want to, what do you think?
By breaking up with somebody, you get your closure. You’ve closed the door on that chapter for as long as it may stay closed. You are essentially cleansing yourself of a situation that did not bring you joy.
This is what I thought. When my ex left me she said we can still be friends. In my opinion if you break up with somebody you don’t want anything to do with them. Why do you want the person you just left to call you and say hi? The last time we talked she said that me not replying to her holiday and birthday texts was stank. I think she might have got her closure the last time we talked and she asked me to forgive her. I don’t get it. I moved on a month after we broke up. When she told me she was looking for somebody to make her happy that told me that I should move on . I never called her again after that.
@Humble_One aka $5 Footlong, By being “Friends,” I think they want the blow of a breakup softened. But the fact is, you can’t be friends sometimes. With your true friends, you don’t have to watch what you say… with your ex as a “friend,” you have to filter stuff…. you can’t give them too much hope, you can’t brag about the new chick you met, etc.
@Nicki Sunshine,
Yep.
I don’t WHY I am up so hellishly late! Nothing good can happen at this hour! But anyways, I agree with you Panama. We don’t really require closure at the end of the relationship. The END of the relationship is all the closure you need! Why does one need to go through all the frustration of full-blown McDonald Fry Lamp to the face investigation. I say that if a person pulls a Houdini in a relationship and leaves you high and dry then they are actually doing you a FAVOR! They were a leaf/branch in your tree of life and they freed you up to stop wasting time on them and look for some roots according to Madea: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wYH6sn2ulfs&feature=PlayList&p=E75929EEA9FD921F&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=17 People need to stop wasting time worrying about why leaves/branches haven’t given them closure, haven’t called them, haven’t kept their promises. MADEA says it BEST!
@Blue Skyez, But anyways, I agree with you Panama.
if more people uttered those words, the world would be a safer and happier place.
it would all be a mcdonald’s play yard.
if the relationship has ended officially? Like there was a break up?
That’s closure accept it and move the f!ck on cause regardless of what bs reason that led to the decision it all boils down to one thing that person no longer wants to be with you
And hell even if he/ she pulls a disappearing act? Close the door yourself and move on
@shay_d_lady, the ! in your f!ck always slays me. but re: your statement: true, true.
@overit, True indeed.
@shay_d_lady, in the words of Rick James: COLD BLOODED.
@Miss Patterson, he dead. so that statement works on many different levels.
ZING!
@shay_d_lady,
truth.com
Only suckas need closure. Simps with no backbones.
@V.E.G., is this a rap quote?
@Miss Patterson,
I dunno. But I imagined her saying this in a bboy stance like Lil Mama. haha
@Me fail english?, ME TOO!
@V.E.G., kind of harsh isn’t it? i mean though i think closure is overrated i dont think the folks that need it are just totally weak individuals.
@V.E.G.,
iSweahfoLAWD u need to be somebody’s cartoon villain. U already got the eyes that turn color when u mad. We just need to add a bad dye job to u and u’d be Cruella’s cousin twice removed on he Daddy’s side.
Closure is one of those words made up by movies and shyt.
I’ve had one bad breakup about four years ago and I call it bad simply because I was in love with him. Other relationships have broken up and my feelings were “Well, we didn’t gel and I didn’t see myself with him for the rest of my life so whatev.” I may have been sad but not really angry or upset about those break-ups. But with this particular dude I thought we were going to get married, have some little Rudy Huxtables* and whatnot. Then some things happened with him, he said he needed space and we couldn’t talk and be together as much as we had and then I didn’t hear from him again for about six or seven months when we had a weird five minute convo that didn’t ever address what happened.
Two years after that he randomly called while I was with one of my friends and I didn’t answer my phone, I explained to her who he was and that I didn’t know whether or not I had anything to say to him. She just insisted that I should call him back and talk to him, figure out what went wrong, get some “closure.” I called him we talked and time had made him realize that he wasn’t mature enough to handle the type of seriousness our relationship was getting to, so he found childish reasons to end it and handled it poorly. Which I accepted and thanked him for telling me.
However, it didn’t make me feel any better at that moment and it wouldn’t have helped me when it all went down either. I grieved for that relationship like somebody died. I cried so hard I made myself sick, matter of fact I hadn’t cried that hard since three years before when my grandfather died. I hurt and doubted myself, was mad at him, etc. and I honestly don’t think that having the “closure” conversation we had would have helped me feel any better at the time. It just would have given me more to cry about. Was I moving too fast, did i like him more than he liked me, was I expecting too much, blah blah blah.
And that’s when I realized closure if blullshlict. It’s an ego thing. Its a selfishness that we expect someone to answer to us and make us feel better about something crappy. Does it hurt when break-ups in a lame way? Yep. But that’s the way the cookie crumbles sometimes not everyone is going to handle things the way you think they should. After talking to him for closure I just realized I’d rehashed something I’d already moved past. In the movies you feel free and grandiose music plays and the sun shines brighter – whatever. Really, all you realize is that things didn’t work out and it hurt badly for a while and then you can either wallow about coulda, shoulda, wouldas or you can pick yourself up, dust yourself off and keep pushing.
Closure, smlosure. Honestly, 99% of the time you can figure out what happened and why so its probably better to accept it and move on than to let someone else’s lame actions stress you out. Listening to them explain to you stuff you already know is usually more irritating, frustrating and slightly embarrassing anyway. That’s what I got.
*well maybe not Rudy, she grew up to be a bit of a freakazoid. Which is cool for me to be, but not my daughter – so we were gonna have a couple of Sondra’s and Theo’s.
@Madame Zenobia,
Yep, once again Hollywood (and slow jams) have us seeking a false reality. If she really wants closure, then maybe she should challenge him to a game of ball for his love, or ask him a question like “when did you fall in love with hip hop” or write him a deep poem about knockin boots, maybe she should get a mutual friend to get married so she can be forced to see him again. Maybe she can get him drunk and force him to spill his thoughts. Or maybe one day he’ll have a daughter who won’t know who her mother is and he’ll reveal to his daughter that he wasn’t in love with her mother he was actually in love with his ex and they’ll live happily ever after.
@Madame Zenobia,
Damn, you just about read my mind and summed up all my feelings on this subject…
*bows to you*
..except for having Sondras. I never thought she was cute.
@Madame Zenobia, And that’s when I realized closure if blullshlict. It’s an ego thing. Its a selfishness that we expect someone to answer to us and make us feel better about something crappy. Does it hurt when break-ups in a lame way? Yep. But that’s the way the cookie crumbles sometimes not everyone is going to handle things the way you think they should. After talking to him for closure I just realized I’d rehashed something I’d already moved past. In the movies you feel free and grandiose music plays and the sun shines brighter – whatever. Really, all you realize is that things didn’t work out and it hurt badly for a while and then you can either wallow about coulda, shoulda, wouldas or you can pick yourself up, dust yourself off and keep pushing.
that is one perfect ass paragraph. its like halle berry mixed with pete rock and cl smooth’s “t.r.o.y.” meets the weather of southern california (no fires).
@Madame Zenobia,
Amen.
Especially to this –>Its a selfishness that we expect someone to answer to us and make us feel better about something crappy.<—
@Madame Zenobia,
This was a good ass comment.
“Sure it would be nice if he’d fess up to the fact that (it seems) he just decided he wasn’t interested anymore. But nice has nothing to do with what she’s deserved. I feel like you deserve second chances. You deserve warm weather and a shot at success. You deserve ice cream. And if you’re in a relationship, you deserve answers.”
“deserve aint got nothin to do with it”-snoop (the wire)
did anyone else notice the extra…emphasis she places on words like do”?
@overit,
smh. its so obvious you’re new to the wire lol
@Gem of the Ocean, i’m done with it, but once i find quotables, i stick to them. yes indeedy, yes indeedy! gettin INTOTHIS like a love muffin should.
@shrifryryeisoverit!,
lmao you are soooooooo special. your quotes cup runneth over.
@overit,
snoop (the wire)
On Labor Day, I was watching a marathon of one of my favorite shows (No Reservations with Anthony Bourdain) and snoop was featured on the episode about Baltimore. It was a small revelation for me (yes I am one of 3/4 of people who have never seen the wire)…
What does that have to do with anything? Nothing. Just thought I should share that snoop is a multitasker. Lol!
this post like many others, frustrates me. we are owed MATURITY.
right now im going through a break-up & we’re trying to work things out & not face it, but the problem is we’re not acknowledging the Elephant in the room i.e EMOTIONS. i hope we can make it, because i’ve been nothing but true to this man, i hope he’s been the same.
i visit this site A LOT! i’m new to it though. i came across it mid Aug. & i’ve been hooked ever since. keep up the PHENOMENAL work VSB.. the comments are intriguing..
@h3avensent08,
Well your situation isn’t like the one decribed…you are ‘still’ trying to work it out.
Now in regards to your comment about maturity. What does maturity have to do with closure? The mature thing would be to realize that this person doesn’t want to be in a relationship and for (the proverbial) ‘you’ to be mature, respect that,yourself and move on. If a person makes up their mind that they don’t want to be with you, nothing you can say or do will change it unless THEY want it to be changed. Why out yourself through the flip flop?
@Smiley Face,
You’re on fire today ma’am! Yes, the MATURE thing to do would be to realize you cant control another person’s actions. You can only decide how you’ll react. So if somebody isnt giving you what you feel you need/deserve just “make do”.
Good luck with getting things rekindled though.
@h3avensent08, welcome and sh*t.
hope your situation works out.
i only think maturity should be the goal while you’re in the relationship. once its done…i say go childish and selfish. lol.
@h3avensent08,
we are owed MATURITY
Darling, sorry about your situation but we are NOT owed anything.
Again, getting those things is nice but having a way to deal with NOT getting those things is better.
Have a plan B about how to handle it if those things are not given to you.
It really depends on the nature of the relationship. If a girl and a guy were just kicking it and now he’s out – peace be upon him. But if the relationship was serious (i.e. longer than a year, engaged or married), the person who is being walked out has earned the right to know why the other person is walking.
HOWEVER, even the knowing doesn’t get you closure. Closure comes when you decide in your mind that it’s over and in the past. When you quit checking on Facebook to see what (who) he’s doing. When you stop avoiding places because he might be there. When the mention of his name doesn’t trigger an Angela Bassett Waiting to Exhale fantasy. Basically, you’ve got to close that door yourself, regardless of who walked out of it.
One other quick point – if you are the one being dissed and dismissed over and over again, you need more than closure, you may need some sort of relationship rehab. Just sayin’
@OneChele,
HOWEVER, even the knowing doesn’t get you closure. Closure comes when you decide in your mind that it’s over and in the past… Basically, you’ve got to close that door yourself, regardless of who walked out of it.
great point!!!! it’s one thing to want answers, but it’s another to have closure. i def agree that closure is an action that must be done on part of the person seeking it. it cannot be given.
@Gem of the Ocean,
“closure is an action that must be done on part of the person seeking it. it cannot be given.”
So true. Folks can waste weeks, months and years waiting on closure, only to find much later on that they have to give it to themselves.
@V.E.G., @Gem
great point!!!! it’s one thing to want answers, but it’s another to have closure. i def agree that closure is an action that must be done on part of the person seeking it. it cannot be given.
Man you said that shyt…I totally agree
@shay_d_lady, i think answers and closure are synonymous is PJ’s example. she wants answers as to why dude became such a p*ssy that she HAD to break up with him.
@Miss Patterson,
I get that about the post.
I am responding to the comment in general.
I am not responding to the situation mentioned specifically, cause it doesnt even make sense to me.
She wants to know why he started acting like a pu$$y.
answer.. he did not want to be with her anymore
she knows thats the answer and needs to face that.
@shay_d_lady,
lmao @ “answer.. he did not want to be with her anymore”
basically. but i think girlfriend wants to know the WHYS thinking it will lead to her closure. but the point is, she’ll never be satisfied with his answer. no one ever is. you either think they’re lying, don’t like what they have to say (esp if its any negativity about you), or think you’re gonna change their mind.
closure to ME is making up in your own mind that you are going to move on now that a relationship has ended. and if there is something that made you do some inner self-reflection to see your a** is outta order, then you can just accept that you may have effed up and will do better the next time.
@OneChele, But if the relationship was serious (i.e. longer than a year, engaged or married), the person who is being walked out has earned the right to know why the other person is walking.
i agree with this. and i also agreethat knowing doesnt necessarily bring closure. it just brings knowing. knowledge, in this context, doesnt change sh* generally.
“Take your time and cry today because you deserve it, But smile tomorrow because you are awake to see it”.
Life is too short. Yea we have all been hurt before, but its just not meant to be. My advice is to tell this lady to stop blocking her blessings by always looking behind her. Its ok to learn from the past but its never ok to stay stuck in it. Yes, I once was a firm believer in closure, but honestly, its not worth it. The author is right, it will only make you more upset. At the end of the day all you have is yourself, so that needs to be your main focus. You can’t truly care for yourself by searching for someone to justify why they didn’t like/love/want to be with you. Thats backwards.
Just pray about it. Also, something that helps me get through rough patches is knowing that God (or insert name of who you believe in) is not ready for you to find the one that you belong with. The relationships and encounters that don’t last are little lessons that he uses to make you a better you and ready for the one he has destined you to be with. So I like to think of my past boos as stepping stones to a better me on this road to true love and life.
So maybe my point is that we need to seek closure from within, not from the person who hurt us.
I hope she feels better and soon.
)
P.S.- NEVER LET THEM SEE YOU CRY, BITTER OR DISTRAUGHT! ( I think its like redbull for men…)
@Buxxy, Co-sign, two snaps and a twist!
@Nicki Sunshine,
*waving church fan*
@Smiley Face, LMBO!
i’m a fan of communication. and courtesy. and respect. i dont think it’s necessary to know why some one is breaking up with you (it might be nice, kind of like an FYI, an oh btw…) but to simply know that some one breaking up with you — as opposed to just going AWOL or being MIA — is a common courtesy that should be extended. man/woman up and tell your S.O. you want to end things. but to let a relationship organically end or awkwardly dismantle due to b*tch*ssness without acknowledging the end is just… well… RUDE.
@Gem of the Ocean, but to simply know that some one breaking up with you — as opposed to just going AWOL or being MIA — is a common courtesy that should be extended. man/woman up and tell your S.O. you want to end things.
this would make total sense…but in the situation i spoke of…SHE DROPPED HIM and still wants closure.
that makes no sense which is why i don’t think he owes her anything. she left b/c he wasnt acting right. ok. fine. you dont get to say, “well, despite us being done, i really still want to know why you werent’ acting right”
i’d be like, “act on deez”
@Panama Jackson, “act on deez…”
you kill me.
@Panama Jackson,
well truth be told, it’s possible in his mind he’d ended the relationship and was just hoping she’d catch on (obviously i dont know, just speculating or offering an explanation). she may have been the one to formally deliver the “i quit you” speech but feels like his absense and b*tch*ssness was equivalent to calling it quits.
in which case my sentiments would apply. implying you wanna end things is not the same as ending them.
@Gem of the Ocean,
*high five* Gem
With that said, let’s get ready to once again kick Champ and Killa K’s butt in spades!!!
@Ivy st.,
*high 5 back* yes, time to hand out arse whoopins.
Dude, you been talking to my ex or something? This situation sounds eerily familiar.
@afterthought, is your ex named Boris Boolsheviks? cuz if it is, the answer is still no.
I agree with you.. when you are getting broken up with, that is CLOSURE. People only want their own form of “closure” because they want a chance to argue their points or point fingers at the break upp-er. They don’t necessarily need it to move on.
@Nicki Sunshine, yeah, but what about in PJ’s example where the breaker-upper wants closure?
@Miss Patterson,
Although technically she did the official dumping. She’s still the one that was abandoned.
@Miss Patterson, I just don’t understand the need for closure. The other person doesn’t want you… why do you need the “why?” answered. I think it does nothing but makes you doubt yourself- opens up a whole closet of junk.
Additionally, say the break upp-er does give you “closure” or the reason why they broke up with you, what are you gonna do with that information? I’m sure it’s not gonna be as easy as open and shut and you get off the phone/ walk away.
Maybe the break upp-er just doesn’t want to draw this thing out any longer than it has to be.
@Nicki Sunshine,
for real!
like close truly platonic relationships and owning a horse, closure is one of those b*llshit movie phenomenons that sound better in theory than in real life.
a person breaks up with someone because they don’t want to be in a relationship anymore. that’s it. relationships aren’t tests where you can see exactly which answers you got wrong so you can correct them the next time. the only thing you’re owed is the person letting you know that they don’t want to be with you anymore. nothing else. breaking up absolves you of any other responsibility (other than not boning their twin sisters.)
plus, “why” doesn’t mean sh*t, especially since any why explaination is going to be 92 percent disingenuous anyway. with the exception of charlie in “high fidelity”, no one has ever been 100 percent honest when answering the “why did you break up with me?” question. thing is, since we all know that to be true, you can make the conclusion that closure seeking people are just intentionally seeking lies.
basically, closure seeker = birther
@The Champ, you can make the conclusion that closure seeking people are just intentionally seeking lies.
are you saying that everyone is insightful enough to come to their own conclusion about what led to the demise of their relationship? i can lie to myself. in fact not getting closure promotes lying to yourself. i’m sure there a few brothas out there that wish the EB that dissed them had been told the truth and not a lie.
@Miss Patterson,
A lot of people think they can handle the truth, and really can’t. It is not that they are intentionally searching for lies, but even the most “mature” of folks tend to not to handle cold hard truths.
@Naturally Alise,
I agree. I think what Champ is saying is if that person whom you are seeking closure from didn’t break up with you maliciously, chances are they are going to ‘twist’ the truth a little to soften the blow so YOU can feel better and have your moment. (or something like that)
@Smiley Face,
got ya…
@Naturally Alise, I agree.
@Miss Patterson,
No, but I will say that sometimes the one breaking up can’t even articulate exactly why they’re doing it. sh*t, my last break-up occured because I realized that the relationship wasn’t going to last forever, so I figured I might as well end it now instead of extending it, not exactly the type of explanation a closure seeker would want to hear.
@The Champ,
If they were looking for actual closure, then that explanation works. It is the honest truth. Some folks just aren’t meant to be together. It has nothing to do with them individually but that they just don’t work well as a unit.
I think you have closure confused with “Please don’t go!”
@Miss Patterson,
continuing on your point from below, some people want us to explain our motives like the super villain from a movie right before the hero comes in and saves the day. They want to be absolved from all responsibility and negativity. But there’s nothing that the breaker-upper can say to satisfy the broken hearted. I mean anything he says will lead to more questions. Like, “well, if you didn’t like me why was you ****in me?”, “So you couldn’t tell me this and see if I could change”, “you don’t think we could work through this”, “but you’ve always known that about me, why did you even date me then?”, “that’s not true, I never acted like that”, etc.
Where’s the closure in that?
@afterthought, i had to reread this post. what’s unique about this situation is that Panama’s friend did the breaking up and yet she wants closure. this kind of changes things. why does she want answers from him NOW? didn’t she share expectations with him prior to breaking up with him? hmmm??? i have to think about this one. i’ll get back to you.
@The Champ,
Someone seeking closure isn’t necessarily trying to figure out why the break up took place. It’s different for everyone.
Maybe because you are a man, your neurons are unable to fire synchronously enough for you to comprehend the idea.
*shots fired*
@Ivy st.,
speaking of neurons firing, i’m not looking forward to reviewing synaptic transmission in next week’s recitation. there’s ALWAYS confusion. and apparently i’m the czar of confusing statements.
Closure is a funny thing. Nobody thinks it’s necessary or deserved until they’re on the receiving end of a dream deferred. Everyone’s a gangsta until they get got by the sniper on the roof.
Well, I think that closure is a mature expectation by anyone who’s been bamboozled or strung along. I realize it’s not the popular opinion. And it may give you more to cry about (as Madame Zenobia suggested), but to suggest that it’s a pointless and undeserved or that it signifies some evidence of delusion makes no sense to me.
Does anyone watch those Forensic shows on Court TV? Dateline? What does the voiceover/ correspondent say every time the r@pist or murderer explains the how and why of his rage or points the police to the location of the body? They say “now the family has closure.” Furthermore, folks are downright appalled if a psychopath does NOT offer the method to his madness. Forgive me for the dramatic parallel, but what I’m trying to say is that if millions of Americans can empathize with a family wanting closure from a crazed lunatic, then it seems perfectly within reason to EXPECT closure from someone who you (once) cared deeply about.
The point is, too many folks are quick to say “get over it and move on” when they a) have never had their heart broken b) are always the assailant or c) so deep in love at the time that they can’t remember the last time that they wanted closure.
Unfortunately, closure is rarely granted and one does have to achieve it on their own, but it would be nice to have the cold, hard facts from a ninja that went AWOL. I don’t believe in calling/texting the person for answers, or any other forms of desperate harrassment. Nor do I believe in posting your sad face all over the internet for him to see. In fact, (since college) I’ve never let a brotha see me sweat. I’ve also NEVER ended a relationship without letting the other person know exactly WHY things didn’t work out. In the spirit of VSB, it keeps crime down. It also lets a$$holes know they’re a$$holes, gold diggers know they’re gold diggers, and EBs and Diva Dudes know they are EBs and Diva Dudes.
‘Nuff said.
@Miss Patterson,
I think folks who say “get over it” are insensitive and over-simplifying, but they do kind of have a point, lol… it is a cold reality that you eventually have to face. In fact the sooner you face the fact the easier it is to move on. But it is going to hurt regardless, whether you were head over heels in love or if you were sick of the person. Does closure REALLY make you feel better about the situation, either party?
@Naturally Alise,
I agree. Nobody say it wasn’t going to hurt you but the sooner you take control of YOUR situation (meaning you) the better. If you keep seeking closure from someone who doesn’t want to give it where does that leave you?
@ Miss Patterson
“The point is, too many folks are quick to say “get over it and move on” when they a) have never had their heart broken b) are always the assailant or c) so deep in love at the time that they can’t remember the last time that they wanted closure.”
d) has been all of the above and come to the conclusion to keep the pain short and sweet and move on.
I’m d..I’ve been on all sides of the fence, I’ve just realized that seeking something from someone that you don’t even have for yourself is pointless. I also realized that the reason I sought closure is because I didn’t want “it” to be me. It being the reason for the breakup, or not being ‘good enough’ for that person. Who wants to hear that, lol? There are some things you can change about yourself and some things you can’t. That’s life. People see what they want to see.
@Smiley Face, “I agree. Nobody say it wasn’t going to hurt you but the sooner you take control of YOUR situation (meaning you) the better. If you keep seeking closure from someone who doesn’t want to give it where does that leave you?”
Exactly… it really doesn’t help. it’s not easy but who cares- they don’t want you.. Move on and find someone who does want you. It doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you, just the two of you together.
@Nicki Sunshine,
Yup and its a whole new reason to count yourself as a victim (“Not only did he drop me, but this fool didnt even have the decency to give me CLOSURE?!?!”), which certainly doesnt contribute to you regaining your strength.
@me fail english? “Yup and its a whole new reason to count yourself as a victim”
Exactly! It just doesn’t help the situation.
@Miss Patterson,
You reference court TV and stuff, but does this closure ever bring the dead back? Does it ever undo the damage of rape? Nah, all it does is put some answers (lies) into the victim’s head as to why they were attacked.
The same thing goes with relationships. I’ve had my heart broken too many times. In fact I saw one of the women who broke my heart a while back last week. I still have no idea why we broke up, and as puzzled as I was/am, I’ve since learned that its just the nature of the beast. If I spend my time in love with a woman who don’t like me then I’ll never move on and I’ll never put it behind me.
Like I was saying, people always have ideas in their heads about what they did wrong or what they could have done differently. Or if you don’t, then keep having relationships until you start having suspicions. If you have these suspicions, then try changing a few things, particularly if its a reoccurring thins (you’re always getting dumped).
@Miss Patterson,
Hey mama! Im always a G! Even getting sniped from the roof
Now, I dont wanna come off like IM one ofo those people that never had a hard day in their life and just talks tough about “They lucky I wasnt in there, cuz if I was there I woulda been like ‘Yo!’”.
I have had my heartbroken. And like M. Zenobia said the “closure” didnt help anything. In fact, I still had my own theories. It just gave me more to ruminate on!
As far as CourtTV, that was a very apropos comparison, I just dont relate. I never thought hearing the gory details of how your mom was murdered could help the situation. “Well Diane, she squealed like a pig for mercy…” I’ve had SEVERAL people I know/love go violently and I’ve always made it a point to avoid the news for a few days in case the story shows up. I dont wanna think “what could I have done differently to avoid this?” “what should I do next time?” Like afterthought said, nobody ever came back from the dead behind that.
I keep hearing people say they feel good about the “why/how” talk but I have yet to hear HOW it benefits these people. So far all Ive seen is it making ppl crazier.
@Me fail english?, As far as CourtTV, that was a very apropos comparison, I just dont relate. I never thought hearing the gory details of how your mom was murdered could help the situation. “Well Diane, she squealed like a pig for mercy…” I’ve had SEVERAL people I know/love go violently and I’ve always made it a point to avoid the news for a few days in case the story shows up. I dont wanna think “what could I have done differently to avoid this?” “what should I do next time?” Like afterthought said, nobody ever came back from the dead behind that.
EXACTLY.. a very close friend/kind a sorta (dont ask)family member was killed in one of the most infamous mass murders (it was on first 48 and errythang) in the history of the city of memphis…
hearing all of the details of how she was tortured and suffered before she died did NOT make me feel anybetter, and damn near drove the family crazy…
I can understand if she was missing and we didnt know what happened… but we knew the gory details didnt provide any more closure, in fact it erroded the small semblance of closure we had initially.
all that to say, the details, in most cases, arent going to make you sleep better, feel better, etc. so its best to take it for what it is and get to the “getting over it”…..
@Me fail english?,
I agree. I did get an answer about a year ago from the guy I was in a 2 and a half year relationship with. weve been apart for 3 years, so do the math on how long it took him to get back to me on that one…He said he wasnt mature enough to handle the relationship at the time we were together. Closure, right? you would think that would bring a peace of mind, but it really dosent… Its been about 3 years and I still dont know why we broke up. I did years ago, but now that I think about it, I dont really know the true reasons behind it. We barley talk. He sends me a friend request on facebook.I sent him a message and he responded, “well i have this really crazy gf and she would freak out if she knew we were talking, why u actin funny?” I have deleted him since then. I think that makes you dwell even more, trying to stay in contact, especially if you were really in love with the person, it will always hurt to see or hear they are with another.
I told the last guy I dated(for about 2 months) exactly why I was breaking up with him. I let him know how it was. 2 weeks later he has a new gf. we meet up and act like nothing ever happened, and me and his gf talk more than me and him do. This dude ended up never even trying alcohol to becoming an alcoholic. He got “closure” when I broke up with him, and he was weak. And by that, he cried. He could have at least waited till I went to the bathroom or something. This story gets way more interesting, but ill stop here to go on with my point…..
In regards to the other relationship, sometimes we forget why we dont want to be with them, because it was like a security blanket. In my case, I was focusing on all the good times, rather the bad ones. This is no bueno. Neither is going down the “what is wrong with me” road….
I write music, so I put all my focus into that now. If your friend is one of those chicks who is scared to be alone, it would be a good idea for her to pick up a hobby, yoga or something to take her mind off it. This forum is great btw.
@Miss Patterson, I think you are confusing “get over It” to mean that there are not hurt feelings we get broke up with brush it off etc…\
no, when someone that you love/like/f!ck longterm, short term..breaks it off and no longer want YOU for whatever reason, it hurts. You get sad, you second guess yourself. But the reality is you want closure so that you can talk them into wanting you, to find the fallacy in their argument, or to release your anger and hurt feelings. That is not owed to you, and the sooner you come to terms witht he fact that for whatever reason, the better
@shay_d_lady,
Yes ma’am! I think we’ve all been there and it sucks. But the reason ppl sound so abrupt about it is because we’ve ALL been there and lived it vicariously through friends and family. So we know foregoing the “closure” talk (though far from easy at first) is the only way to really move past it.
@shay_d_lady,
But the reality is you want closure so that you can talk them into wanting you, to find the fallacy in their argument, or to release your anger and hurt feelings.
Yes, ma’am!
@Miss Patterson,
Yeah, “get over it” is definitely an “easier said than done” saying. It’s very idealistic, though because no matter how hard it is, everyone wants to achieve it (except the crazies). No one wants to hold on to pain all of their lives.
Anyhow, word up to your entire post.
You wanting closure gives that other person way too much power over you. You’re still sitting there 6 or 7 months later wondering why! Whatever, that person is gone! Probably has been gone a month before they actually dipped…get over it. Grieve for your relationship if you need to, but going after that person over and over will never heal you.
You think that other person actually cares? Seriously, they got what they needed and some things they didn’t for this relationship and bounced. That’s it and that’s all.
@Smiley Face,
“Grieve for your relationship if you need to, but going after that person over and over will never heal you.”
*what’s up head nod*
@Smiley Face, “You wanting closure gives that other person way too much power over you. ”
MANNNN!!! Just say an ‘eff em and move on out.
@Smiley Face,
Does closure always have to involve an active process from the other person? One can get closure maybe without even contacting the ex. It depends on the type of closure you are looking for. I don’t think closure should be mistaken for trying to get someone back. If you don’t want to get over someone then you aren’t seeking closure, but you are seeking further rejection.
@Ivy st.,
Not at all what I’m saying but in regards to this post it involves her seeking closure from him so that is the basis of this answer. I’m not talking about going after that person to try to get them back but more so in seek of closure. Like I said before, if you can’t have “closure” (peace, quiet, what have you) within yourself what makes you think that other person is going to be able to give it you.
@Ivy st.,
i feel where (i think) you’re going on this. i dont think closure has anything to do with explanations, reasons, or anything else given by another person. in the basic sense closure — as i understand it (or define it, really) — is closing/ending one chapter to open/start another. now you can stand on the other side of a door as some one slams it in your face (i.e. being broken up with and having no explanation) or you can walk thru that b*tch and close it yourself. either way, the door is shut. so it’s in your best interest to take an active part in the closing process and continue about your business. crying, scratching, pawing at the door only makes you look like a an abandoned puppy instead of a grown as individual who can just go to the next open door.
Good morning world…
first of all, telling the truth only makes you a bigger “fun hole” in the end. people say they want the truth, but in actuality, they want to be comforted like a little baby bird.
also, hot babes that get dumped can’t understand why it happened. “what is this new phenomena”. some women think that being cute is a trump card that allows them to do say whatever they want. i believe that cute women think because they’re hot, they’re OWED answers.
i’d argue that no one really wants to close a relationship unless it involves crack, black eyes and gaining 20lbs. people want a closure to the mundane bs that goes on in a ship.
lastly, its rare that people get dumped and don’t know what happened. take me for example, i got dumped before, but i’m perfect and i really don’t know what happened. i believe if you’re in tune with your ship, you should know the issues. you may not agree with them, but you have to at least know they exist.
Findings:
once its over, its over… continuing to give answers and reasoning behind xyz that occurred in the ship is just keeping it on life support after its died, twice.
@Islama-Loans,
Co-sign and good morning to you.
@Islama-Loans,
Agreed. The “closure” talks are an easy way to burn bridges. And what if you need a ride from the airport or a parking ticket settled? Then what? HUH?!
@Islama-Loans,
Agreed. The “closure” talks are an easy way to burn bridges. And what if you need a ride from the airport or a parking ticket settled? Then what? HUH?!
@Islama-Loans,
“once its over, its over… continuing to give answers and reasoning behind xyz that occurred in the ship is just keeping it on life support after its died, twice.”
Now, why I agree that closure should be given (for both folks’ sakes), I do agree with this. Continuing to harp on it is actually the opposite of closure. I think any clear reasoning given should be given during the actual breakup talk. After the dumping papers have been served, that should be a wrap.
@Cheekie,
agreed. however, if two consenting adults decide to have post break up hate sex, then that’s fine too. however you must ensure that both parties are down, if not you may get steve mcnair’d or nicole simpson’d.
just my thoughts.
is this a rap quote?
Closure–sometimes you get it and sometimes you don’t.
Does it make getting over a breakup any easier? I don’t think so. Some people like to have things tied up in a pretty little bow to signify the end of a relationship, but in all actuality it’s not really needed. Some time you don’t really want to know the truth as to why it ended, you just think you do.
@miss t-lee, I agree here…seldom can life fit in a pretty lil box, things are fluid, but most folk seek to justify thing feelings, actions etc it makes coping easier but its not always reality.
@OrangeStar616,
True. Things always get easier with time, but when it’s still fresh, I think that’s when people are really searching for closure.
@miss t-lee,
“Does it make getting over a breakup any easier?”
Yeah, you’re absolutely right. But, at least it eliminates the “Why (s)he break up with me?” question. I know it won’t totally offer me solace, but I wouldn’t want to leave that question up to interpretation nor would I want to be on the other side and be left wondering, “Why?” (yes, like Jadakiss)
@Cheekie,
IDK–unless the person pulls a miss t-lee (fall of the grid move) you usually know why things ended. Or if you don’t know the specifics, you have some sort of idea.
It might even take you a few weeks of thinking about it to figure it out, but you will eventually understand.
*yes, I just referred to myself in third person…LMAO
@miss t-lee,
Yup, definitely. I only meant if it’s an “up and quit ‘em outta nowhere” type move.
I just thought of a reason why “closure” should be averted. Nothing feels worse than someone breaking up because they are not ready for a relationship, and then 2 months later they have a fiance. That don’t feel good, does it? Even if that was true the moment that (s)he said it, it stings later… I’d of rather walked around with suppositions and manufactured reasons in my head, lol… Sometimes self delusion is part of self preservation…
@Naturally Alise,
“Sometimes self delusion is part of self preservation…”
Absolutely! And yes, I just thought of the last semi-break (we were never really together, just dating) where I had to explain why I didnt want a rel’ship. I said I just was having too much fun being single….then months later I was in another rel’ship. WOMP!
I believe that if you are in a relationship with someone say…longer than a year, then they should be able to tell you why its not working. How are people supposed to grow from relationships and understand their mistakes/faults, if nothing is explained to them? You may THINK you were doing everything right in the relationship, but its possible that you weren’t. And if dude thinks its not working, he should be able to articulate HOW its not…I know I personally think too much and if you don’t tell me why I’ma come up with all kinds of foolishness–I also have an overactive imagination. But being an adult I also know I don’t always get what I want out of life, and people by nature disappoint you. I still would expect an explanation if I asked for one, because that’s the courtesy I’d extend if it were asked of me.
@Reecie,
“How are people supposed to grow from relationships and understand their mistakes/faults, if nothing is explained to them? ”
Fair point. But I’d argue if they’ve been there for a year and have no inkling what probably went sour they may be too dense to get a lesson out of the situation.
Also, sometimes there is no lesson. Sometimes an a-hole fooled you into thinking they were cool. And sometimes the a-hole used to be genuinely cool. And sometimes people’s tastes just change. I think the danger of learning from every rel’ship is that it suggests that you need to change smthg next time (your attitude, selection process, etc.) and that’s not always the case. Sometimes all you need to change is your partner.
@Me fail english?, “Sometimes all you need to change is your partner.”
I do agree with this. and I know that its not always ‘what did I do wrong’, but I like to be able to reflect on a relationship and know “this is why we weren’t compatible” It may be me, it may be him. but I think it helps. I agree with the other comments made though that people may lie to you or “let you down” easy…that’s not what I’m taking about though. I’ve been told by an ex during the breakup that I was too spoiled. I’ll never forget it. Am I still spoiled? yes, but I am also cognizant of how that may or may not rub folks the wrong way…
@Reecie,
Another good point. I think my bad experiences with argumentative men who try to Johnny Cochran/Jedi mind-fcuk their way out of getting dumped has made me hand shy about having these talks. I’ve had one sentence (“You’re not ambitious enough”) turn into a 2.5 hour talk!
@Reecie,
I wish I would have read this sooner! I agree with everything you said.
@Reecie,
How are people supposed to grow from relationships and understand their mistakes/faults, if nothing is explained to them?
Growth is a personal and self-starting endeavor. Nobody can make you grow. Maybe growth is accepting that not everybody owes you an answer.
As mature adults, we have to take responsibility for our growth, lives, rel’ships etc…etc… Too many people are expecting too many things from others.
@Sula,
it sounds all nice and good that we as grown mature ppl should be able to do our own self-pruning and maintenance, but often times you need to see yourself through some one else’s eyes in order to identify potential flaws or problem areas (and it might not be an actual flaw but it may be a character trait that makes it difficult for you to get along with others, for example).
ppl dont necessarily OWE you this, but i think it’s helpful. i try to surround myself with friends who help contribute to me making me a better person. that doesn’t mean i change who i am according to who i hang with, but it took some good friends to show me i was being outta order when i didnt even realize it. i used to being a mega b*tch (no drop dead fred) over the smallest things, but never really saw myself as lacking tact or couth, just thought i was being real. well we all know what happens when keeping it real goes wrong. though i never had a beat-down kind of rude awakening, i did slowly start to change how i interacted with ppl becuz it sincerely wasnt my intention to hurt feelings or tear ppl down. i still keeps it real, but my attitude and tone is quite different… unless you take me there…
Closure is overrated. Nobody wants to know the real reason their relationship ended. Everyone who wants closure is a person to whom the relationship seemed fine. They don’t see what could have been so bad for the other person. They don’ t understand what may have changed, what exactly changed, or how the other person changed.
In their search for the answers to that question, they would want to ask, when did this start happening? When did you start thinking we were over? The answer to this question will always be a killer. First, let’s consider the three possible answers:
1. I started feeling that way one hour before I came over to break up with you.
2. I started feeling that way a week/month earlier.
3. I initially felt that way a long time ago but was convinced to hold on.
#1 provokes the, “that was so sudden, you don’t know if it was stress, etc, you should give us a chance. We’d just had an awesome time seeing that movie, how could you break up with me?” guilt trip and brings no closure because now the person has to tell you once again, it aint happening.
#2 provokes a small bit of anger putting the person on some “why didn’t you tell me this? See, you never talk to me and it’s your ass that’s breaking up? You should have trusted me” – of course the speaker is conveniently forgetting that prior to this any hint that the other person was unsure about anything in the relationship would result in tantrums and pouting and all sorts of other punishments until the other could be convinced that it was just a flight of fancy.
#3 provokes enough anger that if the other person is known to carry sharp objects, you may want to step back. That’s when their on some “So you’ve been lying to me for x amount of months being in this relationship, eating my food, sleeping in my bed, whispering all those good and bad nothings in my ear even if you didn’t really believe them yourself” trip. Perhaps this one is actually best to attain closure because white hot rage does wonders towards bringing about cathartic moments. However, most people, unless otherwise pushed, will avoid this one because they don’t want to seem like a lowlife because we all know that no matter how much the two of you had talked about what happens in this relationship stays in this relationship, it is going to get out.
So, really a search for closure is really a search for enough anger so that I no longer feel like I was the idiot in this relationship. So, when you breakup with someone, you must decide just how much of an asshole you can handle being all at once. If you know their a closure seeking type, it could save them (and you) a lot of future heartache.
@kamakula,
Nobody wants to hear that the real reason for the breakup is because you snore too much or I no longer like you or I don’t think you’d be good raising children with me or anything else like that. Actually, that may not even be it.
I’d venture to say that the real reason for a lot of these is that the person got a gut feeling that said you were no longer the one for them. Then they had to look around for stuff to justify that.
@kamakula,
“Everyone who wants closure is a person to whom the relationship seemed fine. ”
This isn’t always the case. Even if the relationship isn’t right for you, you still want to take something from it. The more I read today’s post I feel like closure is something younger/just started seriously dating folks need. I personally have only felt the need for it once and granted I was 20. At this point I have enough confidence in myself as a mate that if something ends, then it ends and it most likely wasn’t meant to be. I went off a little bit. My point is as a younger adult, I had a relationship that was terrible from the start come to a dramatic end and for some odd reason, I needed something good (closure) to come from it.
If someone’s behavior changes overnight, they’ve been thinking about leaving for a while. If a person starts acting differently towards you or simply walks away, that IS closure. It’s just not the closure you feel you deserve. Life is full of things we don’t deserve and unfortunately that’s the way it goes. Anytime a person neglects to break up with you the “right” way it’s because they’re afraid to deal with whatever happens after they tell you it’s over. I’ve learned that if a relationship is not meant to be, it’s just not meant to be. You gotta try to forget about how it ended and move on no matter how much it hurts, b/c the more time you spend focusing on the person who thoughtlessly walked out, the longer it will take for the right person to come in to your life. Clearly, that’s easier said than done and I wish I could effortlessly take my own advice. Lol.
Some other tactics people use to end a relationship (by trying to get you to break up with them) are:
-being mean
-cheating
-starting senseless arguments
@Voiceofreason,
“If a person starts acting differently towards you or simply walks away, that IS closure. It’s just not the closure you feel you deserve.”
Maybe I need a better definition of closure, but isn’t it suppose to be positive?
@Ivy st.,
I interpret closure as “the end” whether it’s positive or not.
@Voiceofreason,
I agree. Closure for me just means closed. Doesnt mean I’ve made peace or anything. It just means the door is closed and there’s nothing we can do about it. Like a death in the family.
I think if more people came to terms with the fact that closure doesnt always feel good they’d stop demanding talks at the end of rel’ships.
@Voiceofreason,
ditto.
in fact, i think holding on to the WHYs, HOWs and MAMA NOs is the exact opposite of closure.
@Gem of the Ocean,
Not the “MAMA NOs”! Lmao!
@Ivy st., “Maybe I need a better definition of closure, but isn’t it suppose to be positive?”
i’m right there with you. the after effect should be positive. i think closure should be a result of making peace with the truth. but it appears that the truth/the answers that lead to said closure aren’t what we want to hear.
@Miss Patterson,
receiving peace is just that — receiving peace. closure (by the mere definition of the word) is the end of something. good, bad, or ugly, thats what it is–an end.
but i think you can have closure (the end of a rel’ship) AND have peace about it. but they dont necessarily come as a packaged deal that’s signed, sealed, and delivered by the breaker-upper.
“Are we owed closure?”
Yeah, I think so. Not necessarily to “pay off debt” to the other person by breaking up with them, but for adding closure for yourself. Homie in the situation may THINK he has closure by being the person who broke up with his S.O., but because the girl is constantly asking him for closure, there ain’t none for him either. I think he’d do himself a favor — avoiding any further (alleged) harrassment from her — by offering a clear explanation. Otherwise, he’s just leaving ish dangling and that’s not sexy
unless it’s Idris Elba standing in front of me naked.Sure he might giving her more to mad at him yet, but unless there’s a clear explanation given, the book ain’t shut yet, so to speak. The words, “The End” have not been read yet. In fact, you probably have to read the “About the Author” snippet in order for it to be really complete. Okay, okay, enough with the book metaphor, but ya get where I’m swimmin’?
Now, if she doesn’t take this clear explanation as gospel, than that’s on her. In which case, get a bodyguard. Because if she’s that hell-bent on staying attached to you, just a “Do Not Answer” phone entry won’t save you.
@Cheekie, this is totally off-topic but there’s a pair of panties at Fredericks of Hollywood called “cheekys”. Your VSB moniker (though spelled differently) always makes me think of them. They’re cute and they come in all kinds of fun colors. ok, back to the topic. carry on.
http://www.kaboodle.com/reviews/stretch-lace-cheeky-panty-8
@Miss Patterson,
*brow perks up*
Imma keep those particular ones in mind, because those are my fave type of panties, in general. They’re cute!
Thanks, girl!
@Cheekie, no problem. anytime. i wonder if the brothas would have a problem with us swapping info on the good lin-ger-ee on their blog. hmmm…me thinks they might.
@Miss Patterson,
Yeah, I’m just waiting for someone to make some comment about “pictures or it didn’t happen” hot mess. lmao
*whistle blown flag thrown*
(echoie ref voice)
REFERANCE TO PANTIES AND FAVORITES
MORE PEOPLE
LOL
Closure…
I guess it’s like when a chick I stopped talking to because our initial meeting was a flop text me “About to delete your number, exactly why haven’t we spoken again?” Any other busy butt woman would’ve just deleted it knowing that it would be replaced within hours. The only time I think people are owed closure is if you were in a serious relationship and it ended or someone played Houdini abruptly. If it’s just a casual thing, the statute of limitations says that after 3 weeks, there is not explanation. If the person mysteriously comes back, they got some splainin to do.
@CPT Callamity,
She sent that text and you only met once??? *smh*
@Voiceofreason,
Yes, this really happened.
@CPT Callamity,
“The only time I think people are owed closure is if you were in a serious relationship and it ended or someone played Houdini abruptly.”
I agree. You shouldn’t need closure after a few months because I don’t feel you’ve been together long enough to really open anything.
@ Miss Patterson,
“Everyone’s a gangsta until they get got by the sniper on the roof.”
LOL. I felt like a G even as I crouched down to pump my gas.
@Ms. Hall, LMAO!
@Ms. Hall,
*cracking up*
And its become the case of constant pisstivity (thanks to current social networking practices) because she can keep up with him and see him living his life fine while she’s still trying to figure out just what the f*ck happened.
I dealt with this recently. And what I did was remove my ex as a friend on both fb and myspace. Then the negroid had the NERVE to get a ‘tude because I removed him as a friend. I don’t need to know what’s going on in his life because it’s not pertinent to my well-being.
I think your friend should remove the ex as a friend on the social networking site since seeing how he’s living continues to pi$$ her off. He won’t offer closure, so I think she needs to take that as a loss.
@K to the…,
The social networking aspect adds a whole nother dimension to the breakups. Cause a lot of times my friends will start talking to each other and stuff and then become friends and ish and so cutting them off on fb would mean sending a message to all your friends like “aye, delete XXX from your friends list too” which may not be taken too well.
Plus, depending on how heartless you are, you may want them to see the pics of with other women and dating other people so that they know that you’ve gotten over them.
A few points
1. I don’t think EVERY breakup needs closure. Some do depending on what you hoped to get from the relationships. All relationships that don’t last should be used as stepping stones and tools to help one grow to be a good mate in future relationships.
2. Closure is such a vague term. What really has to happen in order for one to feel some sort of closure?
3. Closure shouldn’t be confused with not being able to get over an ex or still being hung up on them.
i’ve been the guy to break up before and i’ve given reasons why i broke up but sometimes these reasons are met with more questions or allegations that i’m somehow lying. i don’t understand why i would if we are not together anymore. i don’t have anything to lose. smh. not all my relationships have had closure. it just ended. ran its course and we both realized that.
the one time i was the breakup-ee. i asked for a reason and she told me a bold faced lie (i already knew why). i let it got and moved on. i don’t see the point in pressuring someone for answers if they have audacity to lie to you when they have nothing to lose by lying. surely enough she came crawling back.
Your homegirl needs a good cry and a couple of Tequila shots.
If she wants closure, she should get it…. HERSELF. LET.IT.GO. That’s closure. I understand it’s annoying on a good day and frustrating to tears on a bad one, but it’s the breaker-upper right to not “provide” you with closure.
Closure is actually a process so nobody can give anybody “closure”. They might facilitate the process by providing clues on the why, etc… But ultimately, the person “GOES” through the process of “closure.
So I do agree with you Panamania, he doesn’t owe her sh*t.
@Sula,
Yeah I’m just curious what Panama’s friend plans to do with the information.
Does she hope hearing the “why” helps her get over it quicker? (perhaps, my guess is probably not)
Is the explanation going to validate her place in the rel’ship as the more mature one? (we already knew that!)
Forget him having the upper hand cuz he thinks your emotional wellness is at his mercy. What about the fact that this subpar negro is getting the chance to play judge, jury and executioner on how worthy of a mate you make? He’s not even man enough to complain/exit a rel’ship. Who gives an eff what he thinks?
Drawing on my own adventures with “Big” (the only man to break my heart) I can tell you from experience that the quicker you cut your losses, the quicker these dudes seem to reappear. And THAT’s when the real closure/relief/good times roll. When he comes back thinking there’s still smthg there and you dis his asz. But this time you really mean it.
@Me fail english?,
Forget him having the upper hand cuz he thinks your emotional wellness is at his mercy. What about the fact that this subpar negro is getting the chance to play judge, jury and executioner on how worthy of a mate you make? He’s not even man enough to complain/exit a rel’ship. Who gives an eff what he thinks?
Exactly! Folks be giving too much power over their lives to people who don’t even care enough.
Let him go… cry, be mad, throw tamper tantrums, or whatever else might get you over him. But do things that YOU are in control of. You can’t wait on the magnatitude of somebody to move on with your life.
I had a breakup where it “seemingly” felt like it was overnight… then I sat down and realized it was not…. without his help…
Yes I had to cut him off, and all the friends I made through him… I had to tell him to STOP calling me, etc… because that was what I needed to do. I was hurt, and frustrated, and p!ssed the hell off and that’s how I got my closure… by being all those things.
Maybe I am too much of a control freak or “assertive” (like my daddy would say) to wait on somebody to make me feel better. That’s MY job. So nobody can give me closure but ME. Yes it helps if the person I am dealing with is mature and understanding and nice, but those are not given and shouldn’t be expected as such.
Just cuz I’m feelin some kind of a way about this. I think that relationships teach us about ourselves more than the other person. So if you find yourself broken up guess what it wasn’t about you so much as you think. It was about them. What you may grieve is seeing yourself through the now ex’s mirror, but that’s it. Now you get to see yourself through your mirror, so get back to work loving and respecting and honoring and cherishing and adoring and googling and extoling…. you. Why ask why drink bud light.
@WuDaMan,
If you must drink beer, don’t let it be cheap beer!
@Ivy St.,
Pscht some things are just classic. Pabst N E 1? LMBO
@Ivy St., wuda should know better than that. he’s *supposed* to be a beer connoisseur.
@Miss Patterson,
Hey the occasion is breaking up missery loves company…
First let me start with I adore VSB.com.
Closure is not owed to anyone. Knowing that someone just doesn’t want you anymore should be enough….realistically its not. Honesty can be a horse pill to swallow and chances are you really don’t want to know why they nixed your a$$. More than likely you’re just seeking the ability to correct it (so they can reverse they’re decision).
Hypothetical scenario…
Him seeking closure:
H: Are you gone tell me why?
M: You just don’t do it for me anymore. After reviewing apps for potential prospects I found a replacement…DEUCES!
I know that’s foul all the way around, but what if it’s the truth? I stand a strong chance of suffering from a Tyson blow!
Me seeking closure:
M: Can I at least get an explanation?
H: I found a bad a** chick that I couldn’t pass up; you should take some pointers from her.
Out comes my shank!
IF people were honest this could be the way the conversation plays out. To prevent from ending up with a concussion and/or my face appearing on the next episode of SNAPPED it’s best to leave well enough alone. Deal with it and move on.
The fact that she dumped him then sought closure baffles me. She should have gotten all of her questions answered before she dropped the axe. He may have answered them. Now, he’s on to the next.
@Strictly Shonta,
Im curious about this too. Why didnt she ask questions while they were still together and he was acting funny? And if he was being evasive/dishonest when they were together how can she be angry/surprised that she’s not getting the “closure” after she dropped him like a bad habit? Couldnt she see this coming?
@Me fail english?,
I would think that he would be the one seeking closure. More often than not, when a woman dumps a man his EGO is definitely hurt. And he probably doesn’t want anything to do with her after that. So as far as answering some ‘after the fact’ questions, he’s not going to do it. At the same time he’s surely going to act as though she never existed.
“Why didn’t she ask questions while they were still together and he was acting funny?” She might have asked questions. Perhaps he didn’t feel the need to answer them. Now that I think about it, he went AWOL on her. He was taking p*ssy way out. Chances are he wanted to break up with her and just didn’t have the balls to do so. Figuring, if he cut off emotional communication with her she’ll leave him anyway. VIOLA! He didn’t have to do a thing.
Random thought…this post makes me think of those “Denise” sketches Adam Sandler used to do on SNL. He’d cry about his ex, call her and hang up, etc. I’m probably the only one that remembers this. Lol.
@Voiceofreason,
Lol. I think I remember those. He would be in the basement right? Didn’t he have a song for her too?
@Humble_One aka $5 Footlong,
I think so. “Denise” was a picture of Shannon Doherty that he’d talk to.
@Voiceofreason,
I remember those also…lol
@Voiceofreason, i remember that too!
don’t make me go there! Gonna be here a while have an old style. LOL
@WuDaMan, wuda! WHO and WHAT are you responding to? lol
As a male friend once told me when I was lamenting over the why’s..”sometimes no answer is your answer and that is all you’re going to get” The same male friend also told me that when he was done with a woman for whatever reason, he just stopped calling period. Most men do not like to set themselves up for even a nano second of drama, real or imagined. I have learned from a past relationship where I did not get an answer as to what happened, that the longer you are away from the person and have the ability to think rationally you will have that moment of clarity and it will come naturally and not from somebody who probably was tired of your ass long before he dipped out. It just takes time, but most often we get the answers we need regardless of the source.We just have to be willing to accept the fact that maybe we were not the ish’ at the time , take what we need from the experience, learn, grown and leave the rest behind.
For me it has always been the other way around… I am a military brat. I spent 14 years overseas. My parents got jobs working for NATO and I lived in Holland from the time that I was a toddler, until it was time to go off to college….. Point being, I am very used to transition, people coming and going…. I never had a problem with getting attached, It was always a pleasure of mine to meet new people, but when it was over……. It was over. People would leave with no explaination, for me, this was a part of life. In my adult life, I have never needed closure. The problem is, I am not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing. Does this mean that I never give 100% of myself in a relationship? To put a positive spin on it, I would like to think that I just understand that most great things come to an end.. May it be , the end of a friendship because of a move, or the end of a relationship because things change.. Then end of a life because someone dies.. I don’t know if I’m fortunate, or unfortunate to not have had a horrible break up, have my heart ripped out of my chest, cry……. but mourning is just something that I don’t know if I am capable of doing. This post hit a soft spot, a lot deeper than just the topic of the day. I think if people would look at moving on as an oppertunity to discover something new…. The desire for closure would not be so important.
Eek, 222 comments means I will get fired if I take the time to read each one. So my apologies if I’m recreating the wheel here….
@Panama…I am like your homegirl. I want answers. Even though folks as close as his bff have told me and perhaps I know but I want to hear it from him. why? Because I feel I’m owed an explaination- an honest one. In my case, a good way to explain a complicated story is this analogy: It was like he excused himself from dinner one night and said he be right back. Instead of telling me he had other plans, he slipped out the backdoor. I was left looking crazy, just waiting. …….But reality is starting to set in that that ‘get an answer’ ship has sailed and he’ll just always be a *$%^#@#$%%%^%%(!*!@ in my book. Love stinks! Hey!
I will also add that it depends what side of the story you are on. Typically, the dumpee gets the short end and wants more answers than the dumper is willing to give. (Your homegirl is an expception) Over all as the dumper, you have the upper hand and call the shots. It may take us, the dumpees, a but longer to get over it but when we do, life is sweeter. lol.
Maybe you covered it and I missed it, but if dude went BIA, and she dropped said Ralph Tresvant-ite, shouldn’t that be enough? Why rehash the issue? Why the ‘splainin?
“We’re not friends now and never will be.”
Hello, I envision a T-shirt. lol!
Dear Panama,
This last line of your post pretty much sums up my feelings about the last dude I was with. At first I tried to get answers from him of why he treated me so shabbily, in fact, I asked him point blank only to get utter silence from him and a change of topic. I no longer believe in closure, it’s a 7 letter word that just adds more pain to an already 808 heartbreak/(f)uckery type situation (friends with benefits).
So, that being said… I have ignored this idiot every time he tries to say hello to me. I have no feelings of hate/animosity just indifference over his ego not getting the memo of him not being relevant in my life now. I am fully content knowing that I will never get those answers I sought and honestly, I don’t think he even has an explanation. He is stupid and doesn’t think very much.
If anything, I kick myself sometimes for being involved with such a jack@ss- it was never about him but my panic and paranoia about being almost 30 and still single. My irrationality and fear based emotions caused me the majority of the pain, I just got caught up in the Matrix. I finally took the Red Pill and all the silly teenage drama I went through with what’s his face is like an illusion.
In the end, I didn’t deserve closure because by his non-verbal cues there was NOTHING to close. Call me a bitch, but that’s why he doesn’t deserve so much as a “hello” from me.
I agree with everything you stated- closure just adds more fuel to the fire of bad feelings and insecurities that were most likely spawned from the relationship in the first place.
Plus, who gives a isht on how someone views the situation after they broke up with you ( or vice versa), the actions have been done-
why kill yourself over it?
@Seeing_Red, Thank you. You don’t know how much I needed to hear that. Your words just gave me the push I’ve so been needing. Thank you and thank you again.
Wow ok..this post was meant for me somehow
I was dating a guy for a couple months last summer, then one day he stopped calling me. I was beyond devastated because I didn’t see it coming…I mean, he even came to see me the day before he stopped calling. I wondered what happened for a few months and chaulked it up to him being a punk ass b*tch…and shit.
>>FF to the day this was posted.
He requests me on FB and sends me a message like everything was good. “Hey lady”.. So, I approve him (cause you know I wanted him to see what a success i’ve become and look at my 37 albums of fineness) but I naturally I asked him WTF was up w/that Houdini act he pulled? His response:
“I tried to tell you..I just wasn’t ready so I stepped off”
“You ain’t tell me sh*t!”<—is what i wanted to respond but instead I told him how immature he was. Also told him it was in the past and i'm past it. On to the next one……………….whathaveu.
So yea, I felt like I needed closure but at the end of the day it really doesn't matter. He never apologized..(EVER)..I don't think i'll ever be satisfied w/that bitchass explanation so I just let it go.
I'm more satisfied with knowing:
Me = Halle Berry
His baby moms = Lamar Odom with Remi Hair