***flashback to new years eve, 2005***
10:43pm
although a little bummed out that he’s unable to break in the new year with his girl –who’s spending the holiday with her grandparents in nevada– the champ decides to go to a nearby club with a few friends. after visiting and vetoing a few venues, they decide on “kaya”, a bar/lounge usually patronized by the patchouli people and the type of white people parodied at stuffwhitepeoplelike.com. basically, a great place for a crew of educated black guys to take full advantage of drunken liberal guilt
11:17pm
while ordering his three customary warm-up rum and cokes (he usually drinks one while at the bar, and carries the other two around the club with him. this –and not the other, rumored reason– is why his friends call him the double-fist), the champ spots a former co-worker with her girls. the co-worker walks over to him, they do the same “a little bit more familiar than usual” perfunctory extended embrace/two minute bullsh*t convo combo that people usually do when its new year’s eve and they see somebody they’re cool with, and the champ heads back to the bar
11:20pm
one of the champ’s boys inquires about the co-worker and asks for the hook-up, perfectly understandable since the co-worker is one of the few attractive women (not banging, but smiles alot and usually dresses nice, qualities that basically make you a dime on new years eve) in a club where the majority of the female patrons are dressed like they’re about to attend a produce co-op board meeting. (to quote my man “damn, there are a ton of constructionjunction-ass chicks in here tonight¹“)
the champ’s obliges, telling him that he’ll let her know he’s interested the next time he’s able to get a word with her.
11:21pm-12:20am
the champ orders approximately 18 more rum and cokes. he knows that this probably won’t end well, but, he figures, neither did the godfather series².
12:31am
the champ is playing the committed boyfriend (read: whipped) role to perfection. while the rest of his boys are literally scouring the bar and dance floor for intoxicated and ovulating laddies to bring in the new year with a whiskey-d*cked bang, he’s standing near a couch texting his girl with messages vacillating from “happy new years and sh*t, babe” and “i miss you” to “my thumb tastes funny” and “i’m going to fly out there and f*ck you in your sleep”.
he’s reading one of his gf’s lascivious replies when someone hugs him from behind and says “happy new year!!“. he turns and sees that its the co-worker. after repeating the embrace/convo combo from before, the champ remembers that his boy wants the hook-up. he attempts to let her know, but the co-worker grabs the champ’s hand and leads him to the bar before he can finish his sentence.
the co-worker offers to buy the champ a drink. the champ, a cheap bastard who has never passed up a free drink from anyone, anywhere, ever, obliges.
12:32am
the champ and the co-worker have a conversation that basically consists of nothing but different combinations of “huh??“, “what??“, “i can’t hear you“, and “the music is too loud“.
this continues for three minutes.
12:35am
the co-workers “song” comes on. the champ knows that this is the co-workers “song” because she screamed “ahhhh!!! this is my song!!!!!!” and started hopping in place like she just got called down to the stage on “the price is right” as soon as she heard it.
the co-worker then grabs the champ’s sole rum and coke-less hand, and leads him to the dance floor.
12:36am-12:45am
they dance and sh*t
12:46am
the co-workers girls, obviously not drunk enough to not mind the drunken revelry going on around them, motion to the co-worker that they’re ready to leave. she hugs the champ, and she bounces
1:02am
the champ and one of his boys (the same one who asked for the hook-up earlier) decide to leave.
while in the car, the champ takes this opportunity to check his voicemail and call his girlfriend, but gets distracted by his boy, who wants to talk about the co-worker.
“damn, man…she was banging. i never had no colleague that looked like that”
“yeah. good thing she left with her girls, cause she might have made me cheat on my girl” the champ jokingly replied as he picked the phone back up to call his girl.
as soon as he’s about to dial her number again, he sees a “f*ck you!!!!! sleep with whoever you want!!!! f*ck you, you f*cking asshole!!!!“ text from his girl scroll across his screen. puzzled, he calls her, but is sent directly to voicemail
it then dawns on him: his drunk ass actually did dial her number when he first got in the car, but left the phone sitting on his lap while his girl listened to the entire “…cheat on my girl” conversation.
1:05am-1:06am
the champ screams “f*ck!!!!!!!” so loud that he wakes the corpses of august wilson, tennie harris, and lil’ wayne
1:06am-10:10am
the champ calls and texts his girl approximately 925 times to explain that he was just joking and drunk and that she just happened to hear the type of sh*t guys talk to each other when there’s no women around
*which is the truth. if he really wanted to cheat he would have, ummm, cheated. plus, lets just say that there would be a ton more nikki giovannis and queen latifahs running around if women were privy to even a tenth of the conversations we have with each other when they’re not around. be glad that we don’t expose you all to the full gluttonous monstrosity of our minds*
she eventually accepted his explanation, but the damage had been done, and he had nothing but himself and the alcohol to blame for the potential train-wreck caused by his carelessness, unplanned horniness, and utter stupidity
anyway, people of vsb.com: share your saucedest stories, your drunkest deeds, your toastedest tales, and any other time when the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol made you do something you definitely wouldn’t have done otherwise.
we’re all family and sh*t. don’t be scurred.
¹filed under “things that are much, much more funny if you’re actually from the pittsburgh area”
²filed under “things that make much more sense when you’re drunk”
—the champ
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{ 333 comments… read them below or add one }
A co-worker of mine has a saying that’s very appropriate for this topic…wanna hear it, here it goes:
A Whiskey glass and a Woman’s ass have been the downfall of many a good man…
that is all.
@DG,
A Whiskey glass and a Woman’s ass have been the downfall of many a good man…
tell that to john edwards
A whiskey Glass and a woman’s pass have made a horses ass out of me!
you know how, in DC, there’s the national zoo and like, right behind it…a section of Rock creek park? Ever drank cheap Champale/cold Duck/college refreshments at hains point for an hour or 3 and then somehow heard lions roar with your clothes not all the way completely on?
a friend told me about it…
@EbonyI, This story made me tingle. Pawse if its a dude
@EbonyI,
i knew vsb-ers were some freaks, bout i never thought anyone would cross the bestiality line
@EbonyI,
Ah…Rock Creek Park…
@CPT Callamity,
*doing it after dark, doing it in the park, oh yeah, Rock Creek Park, oh yeah, Rock Creek Park…*
@Smiley Face,
I’m glad I wasn’t the only one singing this song…heyll I just had to google Rock Creek Park. Now I’m appreciating this story a bit better…lol
@miss t-lee,
there are many of places to um…”do thangs” in and around Rock Creek Park, lol
@Smiley Face,
Yeah…it looks quite “interesting” to say the least…lol
Last time I was super-drunk:
1. Made out with 5 women between walking to the bathroom and walking to the dance floor. Apparently, there were a few 2520′s who find me as the “hot black girl”.
2. Made out with one of 3 Cubans I know in the area at a burrito joint.
3. Made a bunch of drunken phone calls to each of my boo’s, and my ex boyfriend about how many people I made out with.
4. Passed out in my bed face down.
…man, the summer was great.
(you never heard this story)
…but yea. My roommate is slightly homophobic, so being that at the time I was kicking it with her friend, he wanted to replay my voicemail about me hitting on women. Now I’m comfortable in my ish, but the last thing I need is more drama a la casa…
Again, this was last summer. Ok, this was October. But the story ends there. I’m not incriminating myself in anything else I may have done.
@chaoticdiva,
Let me be clear: I was with a friend, we both decided we were going to get sloshed, and anything I did had to be pieced together via Voicemail.
So yes, I can relate to the Hangover. Just saying.
@chaoticdiva, my kinda girl
@chaoticdiva,
****just wanted to let everybody know that the bidding for chaoticdiva’s email address will start at 1pm****
@The Champ,
You’re going to hell for that.
LMAO!!! oh how that story made my soul dance…. Thank you!
Hmmmmm….. most my drunken stories can’t be revealed in detail. It may lead to the death of others. ::kanye shrug::
I do know a few friends really well though….
@Buxxy, “most my drunken stories can’t be revealed in detail. It may lead to the death of others. ::kanye shrug::”
haha co-sign!
@Buxxy,
I do know a few friends really well though….
………………….
I got drunk with the girls and went to the boos house afterward for some drunken hot monkey love. I went to the bathroom to freshen up and afterward went into boo boos room and jumped in his bed and proceeded to tell him how I was about to put it on him only for booski to open the door and carry me out of his roommate’s room. lmao. Mind you his roommate sat there and let me embarrass myself
@Satya,
Why am I LMAO @ this?! Pure hilarity!!!
@Satya, I swear I might know you.
@Satya,
***filed under “stories that make me miss college”***
@Satya,
I bet the roomate was hoping you would really put it on him.
@Satya,
I’m with Champ. Stories like this really make me miss college.
I was invited to a party (by freaky church lady who I think wanted me to be in a threesome with her husband)….They served a lot of alcohol….after 3 watermelon and 2 apple martinis and 6 shots of rum as punishment for loosing a game I can’t even remember playing…I proceed to confess to having previously been with said husband in the distant past (turns out she already knew that), I then proceeded uncontrollably vomit all over her house. I woke up in a muscle shirt and pajama pants that weren’t mine, on a bean bag chair with my head propped to the side so I wouldn’t choke in my sleep and die and their house. Luckily my sister was there to make sure they didn’t take advantage of me in my drunken state…Funny thing is…They asked to come back and spend the night anytime….
@WonderWoman,
lmao! this story is lovely on so many levels.
@charli skipper, Thank you….
@WonderWoman,
I woke up in a muscle shirt and pajama pants that weren’t mine, on a bean bag chair with my head propped to the side so I wouldn’t choke in my sleep and die and their house
obviously they read chapter two of the “how to handle drunk hookers” manual
@The Champ, Lol….they still ask me over….to spend the night….creepy!
Ummm I have way to many of these type of stories and there is no way you would believe my craziest story.
So I will just wait to see what everyone else posts and then determine which story would be most appropriate
Plus I have my own blog now so I have to save the good ones for friday foolishness! Lol
@shay-d-lady, blog address please…por vavor…gracias! (Smart Brothas…Is it ok to ask? Some people no likey…)
@WonderWoman,
click her name
@The Champ, Thanks!
@shay-d-lady,
Ummm I have way to many of these type of stories and there is no way you would believe my craziest story.
So I will just wait to see what everyone else posts and then determine which story would be most appropriate
Plus I have my own blog now so I have to save the good ones for friday foolishness! Lol
BOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
funny story.
@drea,
lol, i’m sure my girl didnt agree
In order of most random WTF moments:
3. Junior year in college, I went with my close friend to the street in our college where all the bars are located (every campus has one), ended up doing a bar crawl, meeting this weird Israeli dude named Angel ( I remember his nationality because he mentioned it every 5min) who scored us some weed, followed him back to his apartment, toked up and amongst other things had a long a** debate with him and his roommate on whether two friends should…ummm help each other out shecxually in a dry spell. Best conversation EVER. No alcohol=no going to random dudes apartment. Apparently, I had not watched enough Criminal Minds yet.
2. Senior year: regular bar hoping session with friends means that Tuesday is free chips and salsa, and$2.00 jugs of beer. Some time that night I start flirting with this guy, a little dancing, a little PDA, a ish load more beer and then WHAZZAAM!!, dude gets a call, runs outside the club, minutes later he comes back with mom, dad and his twin brother. LOL, seriously, he introduces me to his entire nuclear family, and we hang out and dance, drink with them all freaking night. At the end of the night, his dad tells me to make sure dude (his son) gloves up properly because he doesn’t want me to eff my life up by having babies to young like he did. I’d like to think sober OfLove would not have partied with one-night-stand guy’s parents, or at the very least would have put up some sort of protest when ONS’s dad all but stated (rightly so) that I was going to end up under his son by the end of the night. They were a lovely family though.
3. Senior year: c. one night stand guy above, who now stars in The One Night that became a Two Night Stand , two counties over in one of his friends cabin for midnight duck hunting??? Yeah, so the night after meeting the parents, my friends and I go back to the same bar (it was our favorite place) and lo and behold who should show up at some indeterminable time that night, after I’d consumed copious amounts of beer, but ONS guy. He’d forgotten to close his tab, and apparently only realized he didn’t have his effing credit card after the sun went down. Anyway, more flirting, more drinking, and somehow the fact that he has some herb on him comes up…and of course the most logical place to partake of it would be in his roommate’s family’s cabin in BFN, where we could at some point look for these ducks that his friend’s family had apparently been breeding for some odd reason I don’t remember. Maybe there were magical ducks. Random; anyway, turned out to be a pretty terrific/trippy night.
Alcohol=Me+ Stranger (sort of a Texan redneck the way)+BFN cabin
You know much as hem and haw over organized religion, looking back at all the stupid s**t I’ve done and having emerged completely unscathed, I’m pretty sure someone out there is looking out for me, or I’ve just not run out of my allotted ‘Get out of Phucked Up Situations I Put Myself in Free’ cards.
@ofloveandotherdemons,
#2 reads like that Taco Bell commercial.
@chaoticdiva,
lol, i was thinking the same thing.
@chaoticdiva,
Wait, what Taco Bell commercial? Could you do a little link for me. I do love me a good commercial. Like the credit report singing ones. Loovee
@ofloveandotherdemons,
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y2QggSFezPY
@ofloveandotherdemons, MAgical Ducks? Hilarious
My worst moments happen when I’m drunk.
I laughed in a friends face about him peeing on his girlfriend in his sleep…it was a secret that he hadn’t told me.
At my friend’s 21st birthday party lewd dancing became me making out with a kid I just met and taking off my bra (I knew his name atleast and my shirt was still on so I thought it was okay at the time). I then proceeded to follow the birthday girl outside to walk into the middle of her breaking up a fist fight to tell her she sweated out her perm….It’s funny because she’s yt.
@Manny, And my 21st birthday is on Sunday so I’ll probably have even better stories then.
@Manny,
Happy Birthday.
@Manny, We have the same birthday. Happy Birthday!
@ Manny and @Plain Ole Peyso,
Happy Birthday!
@Manny,
happy early birthday.
and, ummm, up until the bra line i assumed you were a guy
@Manny,
Have a Happy and memorable/possibly forgettable Birthday.
OH how I enjoyed this tale!!
It’s amazing what happens to ppl after consuming several drinks, eh?
The most I can blame anything on is the rain {Thank you, Milli Vanilli} and that’s only used when changing my mind on leaving the house or being late for something.
@Made In Hawaii,
OH how I enjoyed this tale!!
thats exactly what i said after i left charli skippers (only tale was spelled differently)
@The Champ,
*smokes cigarette*
Last time I was really drunk, we walked around Charlotte for a good 90 minutes trying to find where we parked, got into an accident on the drive home and probably should’ve much more injured than we actually were, smoked weed to calm down from that and to figure out a way to hide the accident from a wife, and ended up being locked out of the house and sleeping in the car until 7 AM when we were supposed to go to church that morning. But it really was a hilarious night, almost on The Hangover level, and 4 months later I’m still trying to figure out exactly what happened.
My high stories are much more entertaining than my drunk stories.
@P.,
high stories are the bestest ones…
@P.,
“…But it really was a hilarious night, almost on The Hangover level,”
lol, so why didnt you tell that story instead?
ahhhhh drunk stories…..
1. precede to get wasted @ fav dive bar. after consuming way to many whiskey-gingers, ask the bartender to top off my glass, walk out of the bar with drink in hand, chug in the car on the way home, throw the glass out of the window and pass out. wake up in the morning at a friend’s house surrounded by mcdonald’s wrappers.
2. blackout and wake up in the morning and look in my purse to find an Us mag and a handful of reese’s. apparently I stole from the gas station. bff looks @ the candy and says, “How old are you?”
3. get it in with said bff.
4. had a horrible argument with mom, precede to get destroyed. end up calling her screaming on my cell outside of the weedman’s complex. am visited by two police officers who take me to my friends who are coming out of the apt. my response? “sorry girls, they got me”. (I didn’t get arrested, praise the Lord)
and these are after I turned 21. the ones before are much more scandalous.
@VeronicaCorningstoneD,
did this all happen the same night?
@The Champ,
lol no but that would be impressive. it was all in the same summer.
Damn champ I never would have thought of you slipping like that!?! I guess the VSB messiah isn’t perfect after all.
@Just X,
“first the fat boys break up…”
@The Champ, That and the battle between U.T.F.O and the Real Roxanne–damn!!! Whats a player to do????
let me see…..well, my friends like to party and i’m known for being the one that calls it a night early or doesn’t hang at all during the late night. the thing is, when i do hang and get drunk, i acts a fool.
one night we were just supposed to chill at my bff’s house. we ended up going out and i had to wear my girl friend’s goin out clothes. i’m way more chestally endowed than she, so the shirt was only holding the girl’s down by a wing and a prayer. looked cute, though. (lol) on a sober night, it would have been fine. but at a certain point, the club starting spinning and while i don’t have much of an independent memory of that night, according to the pictures my friends use to blackmail into going out again (ironic, huh?), I had multiple nip slips and wardrobe malfunctions.not to mention the fact that i was showing the white bouncer guy inappropriate amounts of love. he had hit on me before and i always ignored. but there are pictures from this particular night of us kissing, me in his arms, me on his back piggy style, him with a ………..well, you know. i haven’t been back to that place since.
on another night, my friends and i had drinks at a downtown hotel bar. nice place. this was after a long night of drinking at the pre-bar and a club, so i was already on thin ice by the time we got there. as we were leaving, i’m holding (clinging, really) onto my male best friend’s arm for support and i hear a man walking past tell him, “man, you got a beautiful thang on yo’ arm.” i was drunk. and feeling myself that night. so instead of going into claire huxtable/jessie spano mode like i normally would and start going off about, “thang? is that what you call a LADY!?” I dropped my friends arm and proceeded to do a full, jackson 5 “dancing machine” style robot, ending with a huge dramatic hair toss and drunken “i’m too pretty” pose right in the middle of the bar. oh, i’m barefoot by the way. (apparently i have a drunken alter ego. and she’s a nasty, attention thirsty AKA.) after ignoring my friends’ requests to “bring yo dramatic a*s on,” they came back and carried me out. funny, a lot of nights end with me being carried out. anyway, i’m sure the man that started the whole thing was looking like, “uh uh. nevermind, brotha.”
the most sad one involves the first time i went out of town with a boyfriend. we were classmates and out of town for a school related thing but we shared a room. i went out to explore the clubs with the girls while he stayed at the hotel. he would always comment on how much of a lady i was and all of that crap. fast forward to me dragging my drunk a*s in at 3am with my male best friend on the phone. i’m loudly whining about how, “i hate this school. and everybody in it!!! everybody’s so square and a d**chebag!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i don’t want to go back to my room because HE’LL be there (um…at this point i’m in the room, in the bed. under the covers. with him next to me. awake. because i woke him.) and he’s going to get mad at me because he’s soo uptight. or WORSE! he might want to have chex with me!!!!!!!! and i don’t want to because he’s aaaaaawkward and has a chubby. come get me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” um………..the next morning was very awkward.
@charli skipper, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha, oooh, you are HILARIOUS AND WRONG!!!!!!!!!
I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE THIS STORY – you are so crazy!!! ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!!
i’m sooooo impressed!
@charli skipper,
Soula Powa 1982-2010
Cause of death: LHAO until he could not breathe.
Murder Weapon: charli skipper drunken story #3.
He will be missed.
@charli skipper, it’s too early for dis mess – ROTFLMAO
@charli skipper, LMAO!! Dies a slow death @ the “chubby” comment! My friend uses that term all the time. Makes me think of the lil quater water juices.
@charli skipper,
the devil just called. said that he just read your third story, and decided to make a reservation for you.
@charli skipper,
i don’t want to go back to my room because HE’LL be there (um…at this point i’m in the room, in the bed. under the covers. with him next to me. awake. because i woke him.) and he’s going to get mad at me because he’s soo uptight. or WORSE! he might want to have chex with me!!!!!!!! and i don’t want to because he’s aaaaaawkward and has a chubby. come get me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! .
iCant!!!!!! ROTFLMAO
@charli skipper,
#3 has my chest hurting. Too funny.
@charli skipper,
Loved all stories, but oh the 3rd…smdh. I usually quit when i act a fool like this for about 4 months or so.
alcohol, alcohol, evil, evil alcohol…
yeaaaars ago,a footloose and fancy free young filly in the big city of johannesburg, i struck up a delicious flirtation with this guy, who i’d see quite often on the scene… (ie, every night except sunday for about 3 weeks)
so one night, we’re randomly bumping into each other on the bar crawl, we get into a cosy conversation, and agree to hookup at my place when we’re done with our respective evenings (we were both doing a boys/girls night out). Amongst the group of boys he was rolling with was this OTHER guy who wanted me, but i wasn’t interested….. at some point within the evening, i realise that unbelievably, the object of my desire (OMD) and i do not have one another’s numbers…. so i recite my digits to him, and tell him to call me so we can figure out times later… (thusly, unbeknownst to me, the first mistake was made..)
anyhoo – i carry on with the girls, at the club, and my phone rings, i pick up and start talking….to my OMD, i presume, ignoring the call waiting beeping insistently on the other end…. (thusly, the 2nd mistake was made)
- “so where are you guys now?” i scream into my phone, coz the club is LOUD
-”oh, still out – what’re you up to, where are you?” is the barely heard response (it’s loud where he is, also…)
- “we’re at the club, still….listen, give me another hour and a half, then i’ll be going home – i’ll call you and let you know.” i say, and carry on clubbing.
we proceed to send each other a bunch of naughty text messages, in the unique way only drunk and horny people can…. as promised, an hour and a half later, i’m ready to make my night happen in another way…. i hop into the cab, and call to give the OMD directions to mine…
and now that i’m in the club, and he’s also left wherever he is…. i can hear his voice clearly… and the HORRID realisation dawns on me that all this time, i’ve been speaking to the guy i DIDN’T want, who wanted me….and i KNOW it’s him coz he’s a black brit with a verrry distinctive accent….he had surreptitiously recorded the numbers i had recited to the OMD earlier that evening!! o horrors!
I WANTED TO DIE.
TO DIE, YOU HEAR ME?????
and because i was so toasted, i was in no position to handle the situ with finesse and diplomacy, blurting indignantly “who the hell is this???? where’s the OMD??????”
a heart-shattering silence was the response….i hung up, livid.
i was soooooo bitter.
looked at my phone, and saw a bunch of missed calls, CLEARLY from the REAL OMD, who i proceeded to call and demand his presence chez moi, tout de suite!
happily, he obliged… and i was a happy woman, all over again. shamelessly, i told him the whole story, and showed him all the texts (hey i was still drunk) he laughed for about 5 days….we ended up having a delicious winter fling, so all’s well that ends well.
guys, ALCOHOL…… it can make you DO THINGS, as we say in setswana…. THINGS!!!!!!
@superwoman,
hmm…..this is kind of sweet.
@charli skipper, heh heh – sweet? i wasn’t expecting to hear that….
@superwoman, ;
Actually that was kinda sweet, but all the way hilarious.
@superwoman, This is an amazing story!
Thanks to VSBers for becoming my inspiration this weekend
@KayBeezy, ha ha, thank you – i live to please you!
@superwoman,
Lol…wow. That sneaky Brit!
@superwoman,
Bwhahahaha! Not you got hit with a sneak attack.
Did you tell the Brit that was some foul sh*t?? Although you can’t be mad at his gangsta. LOL
@V Renee, after i sobered up, i just acted friendly like NOTHING had happened. wisely, he did the same.
@superwoman,
what happened to the other guy? (the non-OMD)
@The Champ, short term – i have no idea, he hung around jozi for a bit…. long term – he moved to the US, he’s now in hollywood, not doing too badly for himself acting in little bits here and there…
@superwoman, Great story! and by the way, I love the way you write- “delicious winter fling”.
@Miss Patterson, thank you! happy monday!
Senior year: Some of my friends invited me to come over and DJ for their party. (I DJ for two years in college for 20 bucks or all the free liquor i could drink, guess which one i chose that night) About two hours in, I some how been taking shots of E&J and vodka (Playing that drinking game “Oreo cookie”). To my surprise one attractive 2520 was giving me that “jungle love” look all nite and ended up with her on the sink SMH. All my boys found out when one of them came in, took a piss wash his hands RIGHT NEXT TO US, and walk out like nothing happen. My drunk ass didn’t even pause. Damn you college!!!! *shakes fist in the air*
@Mr. Gundam,
That is a good friend to act like he didn’t see a thing.
@ComicBookGuy,
or ask for seconds
Stautes of limitations stop me from sharing any stories of drunk shenanigans until 2024. LOL.
@Soula Powa,
BOOOOOO!
Too much drank + Beale Street(after some event)=FiveFive giggling uncontrolling while raising her skirt (but not lowering the panties) and peeing like a racehorse because there was NO way too move & it seemed like an okay idea @ the time. Most people just thought someone just wasted their drink, until they realized it was warm.
@FiveFivewithbrowneyes,
Most people just thought someone just wasted their drink, until they realized it was warm.
so someone drank your piss?
The last time I could blame alcohol for anything, It was early April 2004 – me and my groomsmen were
speedingbreaking the sound barrier up I-695 in Baltimore 20 minutes late for my wedding after a night of drunken euphoria at my bachelor party. We were so late that I had to do one of those “bathroom sink showers” only moments before saying “I do”.Luckily I’m black, and so is my wife, so the whole wedding was on CP time, so we got there RIGHT on time…and took a nice looong shower BEFORE me and mizzus did the deed later that night.
*side note* I think my homies have pics/video of that night, but for my safety, I have never seen it because it’s locked up somewhere in one of my friend’s closets. Imma have to request to see it one day when I am married long enough to where it won’t make a difference if my wife finds out.
@Brotha Tech,
LMAO, my friends call that quick ranse off a ho bath.
@Brotha Tech,
We were so late that I had to do one of those “bathroom sink showers” only moments before saying “I do”.
Dayum homie, you took a h*e bath…lol
@miss t-lee & @Five,
It was either take the h0 bath or get married smelling like weed (some my homies toak) and stripper residue!
@Brotha Tech,
Good look on the h*e bath then…lmao!
@Brotha Tech,
***keeping this comment in storage for the possibility that brotha tech runs for office and i need something to blackmail him with***
Champ>that story
HAHAHAA..made my Friday!
What can I add to the list of Adventures in Slizzered Land?
1. I made strawberry-flavored mojitos at my birthday party once:bad/good mistake. Mixing your own drinks at home + partying w/ 4 other ‘curious’ girls + 1 cute male neighbor= waking up w/ all sorts of sweaty, confused folks tangled up in your bedsheets the next day.
2. Apparently the combo of tequila and RedBull makes me turn into Super Myra Tyson> Mike Tyson’s imaginary sister. While hanging out at a club w/ friends, some psycho ninja simply would not stop bothering me and my girls while we were dancing together. I already noticed that I felt a little more aggressive than usual after the tequila> so I switched to Red Bull. Stupid Ass ‘Bryant Mumble’ proceeds to annoy the hell out of me on the dance floor. I proceed to give him a well-aimed left-uppercut, pick him back up, bite his cheek, challenge him to a fight, peed(?) and/or spat on all of his friends to scare them away> all while wearing my disco boots (we were at some weird electro-disco party). Somehow, I came out w/ out a single scratch. My girls applauded me, and I remember the bouncer offering to buy me another drink!?
The day after, someone said I looked like one of those circus animals that goes on a rampage when it gets tired of people’s shite.
Alcohol brings out the Animal (Planet) in me.
@GeekChicness,
1. I made strawberry-flavored mojitos at my birthday party once:bad/good mistake. Mixing your own drinks at home + partying w/ 4 other ‘curious’ girls + 1 cute male neighbor= waking up w/ all sorts of sweaty, confused folks tangled up in your bedsheets the next day.
oh my!
I parked my truck at the Franconia-Springfield Metro station as I always did when going to work in downtown DC. When I got to work I was greeted by my boy who was crunk because he had just recieved a much deserved raise. And not a $20 to $21.50 kind of raise, we’re talking like 10K more a year type raise. So immediate celebration after work was definitely a must. And it was friday so there was no excuse not to get wasted!
We decided to go to H2O for happy hour and then next door to Zanzibar after since I also worked there and the bartenders would hook us up. So after they made us many drinks to drink and we drunk em……got drunk! I decided it was time to make my exit and began my walk to the metro station. It was maybe a 5 minute walk, but about 2 minutes into it those last 4 Jager Bombs landed right on target. I knew 2 things, 1.) I was going home and 2.) I needed to be on the Blue Line to get to where my car was parked. I found the Blue Line and blacked out as soon as I got on the train. I woke up to the customary “end of the line” lights flashing and proceeded to stumble my way to the parking garage. After not finding my car where I just “knew” I left it, I searched around the lot for about half an hour or at least it felt that long. Suddenly I realized that something was wrong. I looked up and said “When the hell did they put this Magic Johnson Theater out here?” That’s when I had to go back and look at the Metro sign………I was at the d*mn Largo Town Center station in friggin Maryland!!! I had boarded the right line, just went in the wrong direction, and now the trains were out of service! My girlfriend at the time was just thrilled to have to get up at 3am to pick my drunk a$$ up in the middle of nowhere! But at least I never got to take the drunk driving trip I was planning on!
@BigBuck, This whole thing is filed under “Stories that will probably ony work for DC people”
@BigBuck, I never understood how folk can go out get tipsy, or worse drunk, then have to ride metro…thats a blower!!!
but LOL!!!
@OrangeStar616, MAN!!! But it only happened because I wasn’t planning on going out.
@BigBuck, works for me! Right after “blacked out as soon as I got on the train”, I knew where it was going. Bad thing is I did that when I was sober, just ummm…let’s say distracted.
@BigBuck,
Boo…you lucky!! LOL The Blvd ain’t no place to be by yourself late at night, lol!!
@Smiley Face, Well not too many folks would try me without a gun. I’ve even had some with a gun re-think it. But I guess I am lucky.
@BigBuck, That sounded ignant I know. I don’t think I’m invincible or anything. Just immune to b*tcha$$ness.
@BigBuck,
I did raise a brow at you, for a hot second like m’kay boo, lol
@BigBuck,
That is a good one, my friend.
@BigBuck, LOL….I think there was some divine intervention involved here that kept your drunk behind from driving in your condition….your girlfriend was a good one cuz I’m sure that drive from one end of the line to the other at 3 AM was a blower for her….
@BigBuck, “I was at the d*mn Largo Town Center station in friggin Maryland!!! ”
I would be HEATED!!! LOL
@BigBuck,
Give me like a ballpark mileage figure. Exactly how far did you end up from where you parked your car?
@miss t-lee, according to Google maps the quickest driving route from BFE to my car was 23 miles.
@BigBuck,
LOL!!!
Now I understand why she was a little warm, especially at 3am.
@BigBuck,
man i wish h2o was still open… I live in walking distance to the area and had high hopes of doing drunk walks home to save on cab fare/accidents, lol… but ?, you walked to Waterfront of L’Enfant? cause i ain’t no punk when it comes to a brisk walk but it still takes me at least 10 mins to get to either
@Eks M, I walked to L’enfant but it only took me 5 minutes because I had access to the L’Enfant buildings after normal hours with my badge from work so I kinda had a shortcut. Yeah not only was I drunk of my a$$, but security people from my job who were used to the good ole shirt tucked in Mr. Buckingham got a full introduction to BigBuck in action! LOL! I forgot to mention that part!
@BigBuck, i would have been pissed if i was your g/f. And i was only able to follow your story because i just spent a wknd in d.c
I try not to get that drunk.
But there was a time, Freaknik 94, when I was crazy drunk at a party with a lot of Falcons players talking about blowjobs (that was before I’d become The Biotch with the Golden Thoak). Luckily my bff snatched my a** up (although she did get cussed out before I became the emotional drunk).
While in school, I had an adult crush on my prof school classmate. He and I went to a birthday party at a bar where all drinks were $1. I had 6 mixed drinks and 6 beers (and I don’t like beer). Needless to say, we ended up at his place doing the horizontal hoochie. In the middle of our session, I start giving him some oral loving. Evidently, I said something to the effect of “KCUF my mouth.” Not a good move when you’re drunk and can’t control your gag reflex. I threw up all over him…and he never even noticed!
Unfortunately, that happened years later with another guy.
Maybe I should stop drinking and knob slobbing.
@meka,
Absolutely hilarious.
@meka,
a little throw up never hurt nobody…
@atltx,
for some reason, the combo of her story and this comment is hilarious to me
@meka, HAAA!! *Rigor Mortis*
@meka,
Visualizing a chick throwing up on me just made me throw up a little. Thanks Meka.
@meka,
Damn girl… You WIN!
@ The Champ,
So umm… When does the bidding for HER email address start?!?
@JC,
1:05
@meka,
Heard Freaknik 94 was perhaps the greatest one…where both liquor and a$$ flowed freely in the streets…
@meka,
welcome and sh*t
*Opening the vault*
That last one that I can truly remember was in Peace Corps. I went out with some host country nationals. We started with a glass of (cheap) wine. That turned into a bottle which turned into a few more bottles. I’m good and warm at this point.
I remember as we are going to the next spot, that I marched exactly like the Russian soldiers do on May Day, the entire way there. To hear my friend tell me the story the next time I saw him, everyone was staring at me. Cab drivers, people in cars, people walkin on the other side of the street, everyone.
When we got to the next destination, it seemed unnaturally dark (this is important for a reason). Thinkin nothin of it, we go in. It seems my friend has taken us to a whorehouse. No lie. Normally a sober Stank-0 would have recognized immediately, but I was anything but.
It didn’t dawn on me until I had two young women on my arm. I’m feeling like a scraight up pimp and then I hear the women and my friend arguing. I start to pay attention. They are arguing about price. They each want their standard fee and he wants to a 2 for 1 for his “American friend.” Then I hear, “He’s black he might hurt us with his d**k.” I bust out laughing, now the jig is up. Both women realize I speak the language so they start speaking to me directly. They obviously are intrigued about what a night with me would entail. I start playing to the crowd. One asks for approximate size. I show about 2 feet. Their eyes get big. Then I start laughing and give them the actual size. They are very intrigued. My boy is encouraging me saying, “No charge. I’ll pay.” If my horniness factor had been higher….
Alas, I cab home and pass out.
@Stank-0,
I think this story will help raise recruitment for the Peace Corps.
Miss t-lee, it is one of the most embarassing things that I’ve ever experienced…well at least the first time that it happened…especially when I was 34 at the time.
@meka,
Well…when you get 80 you can say you truly lived!!!
*That’s my excuse…lol
The last time I got drunk and will probaly be the LAST time….(being drunk to me is not a good feeling at all), anyway was like June 2005 at a Wine festival in Shenendoah valley…5 bottles of wine amongst four cool peoples…..I was gone, left my purse at the festival, LOL don’t remember anything after getting to front door and my mom letting me in LOL, my cousin and my mother still clown me to this day LOL and never again!!!
and before my drunken stupor we were laughing about this 2520 brawd from the previous year, litearlly drunk off her ass, falling down etc they put them out and I think I ended up drunker KARMA LLS…Wine festivals are nice but moderation folks!!!
We found a purse earlier that day @ the festival and turned it over to security, so someone found mine called and mailed me my purse-KARMA
@OrangeStar616,
folks better stop sleeping on wine, lol
@Smiley Face, mmmmm wine seems like it goes straight to the bloodstream like an IV and sh*t LLS……a wine buzz/drunk is a lil diff from liquor and beer LOL thats for sure
@OrangeStar616,
I agree. Wine seems to hit you quicker.
Your story was great!
@OrangeStar616,
Yes’m it does..especially some red…wooosaahhhhh
@Smiley Face, I think it get’s absorbed by the blood faster… sumthin like dat. Apparently it’s the only alcohol you can drink when you’re preggers.
@Smiley Face,
i shared a bottle of merlot with a friend last night…why was my big ass slurrin like i had 7 strong jack and cokes. she was laughing at me…and giving me that “you a lil batch” look.
@atltx,
shiyit…i just woulda been a “lil batch” then! LOL
hmmm.
1. Got kicked out of an r. kelly concert
2. ran barefoot through the streets
there’s more. but I’m new here.lol. I dont want to make a bad impression…
@TheChronic, Welcome and sh*t! Don’t be scurred, we all been there!
@TheChronic,
welcome and sh*t. and yea, don’t pus out on us now
NYE 2009….
I started off good…just 1 maybe 3 drinks with more than 50% rum in them…feeling good feel great..feeling good feeling great how are you??
sorry..focus.. ok
so yeah get to the club feeling nice..looking like the girl you wanna talk to (I know how to use this smile!) buy my first drink (Patron Margarita) do a little two step…you know waiting for the rest of the homies and sh*t…
Music starts going…drinks start flowing (patron margaritas and ciroc apparently don’t mix)..the next thing Im knowing I wake up in my best friends couch still in my same clothes..still with my make-up done (24 sh*t baby! It lasts!)…my wallet under my back…a dog sleeping on my lap (took him for a walk in my party clothes looking a mess!) a missing broken brand new camera…and a very large HEADACHE!
***We later found the camera in the trunk of my best friends boyfriends car…yeah I dont know what type of ish was going on but yeah that was a big as truck no reason for ANYTHING to be in the trunk…
and yeah the pictures told my story…
Needless to say..It was a GREAT night! I think I rang in the New Year’s juuuuuuussst right!
@IJstDntUnderstand,
Needless to say..It was a GREAT night! I think I rang in the New Year’s juuuuuuussst right!
not if your clothes were still on
@The Champ, LMFAO that was the best part cuz Sh****************t had they been off I would’ve had to spend the next 24 hours figuring out the who/what/where/why’s and with the type of hangover I was having I just wouldn’t have had the energy for all that.
Champie, I hope you learned to hide your phone from yourself when you’re drunk…lol
I can’t think of a one story in particular so I’ll just throw out a few incidents that happened over the years…
1. 29th b-day open bar. Prolly had no less than 5 Patron shots and 3 GG apple martinis in a 3 hour period. Met up with a kat who recoginzed me from an internet forum- proceeded to give him my best video girl performance during “Do The Ratchet”. This also led to me and my BFF fighting until security broke us up. Gotta love friends!!!
2. Dining and dashing. Always sounds like a great idea at 3am, after the club. Thank you IHOP. I’m also sure this is the reason they now have off duty cops greeting you at the hostess stand. From ’96 til about ’01 we were winning…lol
3.Calling my ex after the club, to have him drive clear cross town to come over. Only for me to fall asleep while doing a most important “job”. Not napping either, like full on snore.
He was not pleased…lol
@miss t-lee, Sleeping on the job?! Flag on the play! LOL
@BigBuck,
*jadakiss laugh*
@miss t-lee,
This also led to me and my BFF fighting until security broke us up. Gotta love friends!!! .
Yall were real deal fighting??!?!?!
@V Renee,
It was more like slap boxing really. She was tryna save me from making a fool of myself (too late!), so when she grabbed my arm I kinda went across her forehead with my hand and then she returned a lick, and well you know the rest…lol
We’re still BFF’s though…20 years strong.
@miss t-lee,
Slap boxing!?!?!? Bwhahahahahahahahaha!!!
@miss t-lee,
Champie, I hope you learned to hide your phone from yourself when you’re drunk…lol
yeah. after the fifth rum and coke now i just turn it off
This story made me tingle (Pawse if its a dude)
I got three words for what happened at my crib two Fridays ago:
Boom. Boom. Room!
*turns around and walks out*
@K to the…,
booooooo!
As I read through all the sordid tales of drunken bliss, craziness, debauchery, and out-right tom-phuckery, I can’t help but to wonder what I may have missed out on during my thirty something years of relative non-drinking (two or three drinks per year). What kind of sordid tales would I be able to fondly recall had I succumb to the many invitations from those who wanted to see what I’d be like if I was drunk?
Then, I remember that I have already agreed to go to a bar tonight with my best female friend (who happens to be gay..nttawwt) and her click. She thinks I need to do like “normal” folks and meet women in a bar. Perhaps this will be my opportunity to finally be able to participate in sharing war stories from a once upon on a time when I was inebriated perspective. Perhaps, after tonight, my life will change forever; it’ll be the start of something new……perhaps.
@Caballeroso, P.E.,
Well…we expect a full report Monday.
@Caballeroso, P.E.,
Real talk, bruh. We need a full report of Monday on your possible shenanigans. Gay women are cool as hell to get drunk with and they can point out bad chicks pretty well without ogling at them like guys usually do.
I think it’s great you guys can remember yours’… I’m just praying there’s no drunken chex tape floating around with good ol’ Yeah So somewhere… *fingers-crossed*
As I tell these stories…it is clear to me that I worry about the wrong things when I’m wasted like my hair, clothes, and bags.
Hmmm….let’s see. In college I drank like a straight up ninja. My first real drink (Cask and Cream doesn’t count) was Hennessy, so that’s what I stuck with as my drink of choice. And damnit if some bartending genius didn’t create Incredible Hulks…I was in heaven.
Sophmore year, my peoples had a party in their room. I was fresh to def in my all black Gortex boots and my Beat It leather jacket (mine was black) w/ some fitted jeans and a fresh doobie *sighs*. I’m straight drinking folk under the table. Hennessy and I are like peas and carrots. Peanut butter and Jelly. For that night we were inseperable.
Until one fatal mistake…..
I decided to take up w/ a Smirnoff Ice. Thus came my 1st lesson in Alcohol 101 about mixing light and dark drinks. It was as if instantly my world was turned upside down. My Beat It jacket became incredibly hot. My bang (a la Aaliyah) was beginning to stick to my forehead. I make it to the bathroom just in time.
I begin puking all over the place. Literally. I missed the effing toilet…or perhaps it was just splattering all over. But the worse thing happened…vomit got on Beat It and my suede Gortex. I began weeping and repeating ” My booooots. My boooots”. I called my Turkish pal and thank goodness he didn’t go home for the weekend. He came and got me fromt he party and walked me to my dorm…not without having to pick me up a few times.
Last year I went to a party w/ my friend. At the time, she was a big momma…clocking in at over 300 lbs. Needless to say her tolerance was higher than mine by default of weight alone. Like the a$$hole I am, I attmepted to drink what she did. Patron and sprite or some shit like that. It was a mixed drink. Smh…I knew disaster loomed.
Next thing I know I’m sitting down w/ my brother’s boy telling him what girls are cute and should holla at. I’m trying to get him in w/ a few cuties. I honestly can’t remember how I got to my car, but I do remember being smart enough to hand over my keys to my boy J.
He drove Big Momma home. All the movement made me sick to my stomach. I tried to fight it, but I gave in…moving my bag in enough time to shower the backseat of my car with Patron and whatever I ate early that day (hopefully Ava, my car has forgiven me by now). My boots didn’t survive the assult to well either. Luckily J is a sweetheart and cleaned them for me as once more I moaned “My boooots”.
They have character now.
@La Bakir,
Poor Ava. I hope she has forgiven you. Funny thing about me, I am a tall guy but I was always the slimmest out of my circle of friends in college, and I could outdrink all of them. I mixed lights, darks and beers. I guess I inherited my old man’s iron laced stomach.
I got a drink for you called the Ugly Ducking. My boy invented it because he drank so much whiskey as a teenager with his uncles that he can’t drink it anymore, so he mixed Hynotiq and Grey Goose and called it the Ugly Duckling. It is a lovely combo.
Oh yeah, Patron is the devil. I will stick with Cuervo, the devil I know.
@ComicBookGuy, I hope she has. I love my baby.
I’m tall too dude..for a woman. 5’8…and I usually can handle my handle when it comes to drinking. But Big Momma…man she drank that ish like it was water!
I’ve mastered mixing drinks now. I’ll drink wine, maybe a vodka, and polish it off w/ a Corona (when I feel myself teetering the fence of embarrasment).
I will DEF try that Ugly Duckling. Sounds pleasant…lol. Patron is not the debil (devil) Bobby Booshay ( I know I spelled that wrong)! It is excellent in shots…although I have another story that involves 5 shots of Patron, several French Martinis, and my suprise party for my 24th birthday.
SB: Never had Cuervo
@La Bakir,
Gotta try Cuervo Silver. It is surprising just as smooth as Patron to me. I know everyone loves Goose, but I drink vodka like I am a damn Russian so I like Ketel One, Absolut 100 and Texas’ own Tito’s Handmade Vodka. Gotta have that Corona with a lime.
@ComicBookGuy, I’ll put that on my list of things to do. I’ve never had Ketel One, but my step mother raves about it. Ah, the influence she’s been on me. Introduced me to wine and Corona’s (I didn’t drink either before meeting her). Now I can put down a bottle of Moscato all by myself.
You know what I had the pleasure of trying this weekend? Coffee Patron…and I liked it!
@ComicBookGuy,
Tito’s is that crack!
My lil brother introduced me to it.
@ComicBookGuy,
I’m not a fan of Patron…I’m a Cuervo girl.
@miss t-lee,
Tito’s is the bomb! It gives me extra pride as a Texan when I drink it because that stuff is the truth. That and Ketel One is all I buy.
@La Bakir, Coffee Patron is disgusting by itself!! However, w/ a bit of Baileys and a shot of Seagrams its quite good
@Plain Ole Peyso,
It tasted fine to me! But I can def see the Bailey’s complimenting it quite well. Not sure about that Seagrams.
@La Bakir,
@Plain Ole Peyso,
You guys ever tried an Irish Car Bomb (a shot of Bailey’s dropped into a glass of Guinness and gulping it down)?
I interned in college with a girl that was second generation Irish and she introduced me to that. What they say about Irish people and drinking is so true. She is the only woman to ever outdrink me.
@ComicBookGuy,
That sounds freaking awesome! An Irish Car Bomb, huh? I gotta stop drinking w/ ninjas and get w/ the 2520′s more often.
When I went on a cruise to the Bahamas, that was the 1st time I had a Yager Bomb. It was disgusting, but the 2520′s from our dinner table treated us. They knew how to party. We shut down the club that night.
@ComicBookGuy,
“Tito’s is the bomb! It gives me extra pride as a Texan when I drink it because that stuff is the truth”
I agree. You ever had Paula’s Texas Lemon? It’s dayum tasty.
@ComicBookGuy, Car Bomb’s are my thing.
There’s a drink called the Mind Eraser that you have to try too
@miss t-lee,
I have heard of Paula’s Texas Lemon but haven’t tried it yet. I want to try Republic Tequila, a tequila that comes in a bottle shaped like Texas.
@Plain Ole Peyso,
I had a Kamikaze and a Mind Eraser back to back. Thank God Jose, the other intern, drove home that night.
@La Bakir,
I love drinking around random 2520s. I got more stories of me getting free drinks than me getting sh*t faced.
Good example: I was flying home from Indy from a business trip. Decided to get a drink before I got the plane. Ordered a double Ketel One and Tonic. I was waiting for my drink and an older 2520 with a Cowboy hat asked me where I was going. I said heading home to Houston. He said “You from Texas”? I said “Yes, sir. Born and raised in Dallas, but I live in Houston.” He told the bartender “Whatever he’s drinking, I got it. It’s always good to meet a fellow Texan.” I shook the guy’s hand and said thanks.
@ComicBookGuy,
Vodka=Stolichnaya.
I’m done.
@ComicBookGuy,
I heard Hyp and Grey Goose was called Blue Goose. I was a fan of that concoction after the newness of Incredible Hulk wore off.
Hyp and Goose is a problem. It’s so sweet you knock ‘em back but the Goose will sneak up on you like it’s serving you papers.
@Stank-0,
I have always compared Grey Goose to a ninja, especially Grey Goose Le Citron. It’s like drinking tart lemonade. It goes down smooth and then punches your in the face when you least expect it.
C’mon, Champ. That’s why they invented flip phones, man.
My story was in 2003, end of the fall semester, on a Wednesday. I thought had failed a math final and I had to wait until Saturday for the old man to pick me up and take me home for winter break, so I was going to be broke for awhile. My roommates went into Houston and ate Hooters with one of our high school friends. I went to eat the last meal of the semester at 4:30pm. Keep that time in mind.
I get a call from a good female friend who played soccer so she had booty for days, but hitting that would have made this complicated. She said one of our friends was having a party at his crib tonight. I was like cool. My roommates were gone and would have been playing Playstation anyway, so I needed to unwind. She picked me up and we went to my boy’s crib, who had an apartment off campus and a mini fridge full of Heineken and Danish vodka. Shots and mixed drinks all around, then my boy gets a call from another friend who was also having a party. Went to that party, more drinks around. Noticed a chick that I thought was cute and started talking to her. My boy then said that a MAJOR party was going on at another guy’s house, like everyone we knew was there. So off to my third party of the night. Remember 4:30pm? The last time I ate a morsel of food? It was now 11:00pm and I was drinking like a fish.
Get to the other party, come to find out that it was the house of a professor who gave me scholarship money, whose son was a classmate of mine. You had Playstation on the big screen, dominoes and my boy, who is a major Houston DJ now, set up his equipment and it was going down. I’m dancing, kicking and taking shots and not even asking what it is. A few hours later, the prof comes through and sees people he has given about a half a million bucks worth of scholarship money to drunk as a college student could be. What did he do? Started brewing coffee and making chili so no one would get sick. I got so bad that I had to get help to my boy’s car. I knew I was going to puke and but I was conscious enough to throw my head out of the door and puke on the ground. I put my head back in and I blacked out.
Fast forward to the morning. I woke up, wondering where I was. I could tell I was back at my room. I touched my leg and realized I was in my underwear. Then I realized there was someone in the bed with me. I looked and it was my female friend that I rolled with the night before. She got me home in one piece. So I went to back to sleep and I woke up and she was gone. I talked to my roommate and I told what happened until I blacked out. He said that I came and fell against his door. He said that all of sudden he heard a female voice say “Sorry”. He also heard her say “You want me to take your pants off?” and he heard me mumble out of my mind. Apparently I had puke on my pants. I also told him about the girl I talked to at the second party I went and how cool she was. He asked did I get the number and I said no, I was too throwed to even think about getting it. I looked into my phone and noticed a new name in my phonebook. It was the girl from last night. I was like “Dude, I did get her number.” My boy said call her, you dummy. I called her and she said that I was sitting the hallway of the prof’s house she recognized me and we talked. I was too drunk to put her number in myself so she did it. BEST NIGHT EVER.
From then on, my life got pretty boring.
@ComicBookGuy, *thumbs up*
@ComicBookGuy,
Dang frat, I might have to consider an MBA from PV (yeah I know…all the wrong reasons.)
@Caballeroso, P.E.,
Bruh, I’m telling ya, going to college in the country allows for some crazy stories.
@ComicBookGuy, Ok but did either the friend or the miracle number girl get the Eckrich as a result of this night?
@BigBuck,
Yes, miracle number girl. In fact, she went home for the winter break that Friday and she called me at like 2 in the morning. She was like “There is only one thing to talk about this time at night so let’s talk about it”. I was like “Ok”. Then in the spring, I was a party off campus and I drunk texted her just to see what she was up to. She was in her bed with t-shirt and panties. She ended up picking me up from that party and went home that Saturday morning a very happy dude.
@ComicBookGuy, My ninja! Hey I aint forgot about the BBQ showdown. Somebody’s brisket is going to be the champion before I leave Houston! LOL
@ComicBookGuy,
Oh yeah, to make that story even more funny, I went out to the club with another female friend the next night and half of the people at the club were at the big party the night before and they were like “Are you okay? You were f*cked last night.” I was like “Yeah, I’m fine. I’m here, aren’t I?”, with drinks in hand.
I think I have a pretty good story. Freshman year. Spring Fling. Spring Fling was such an event that classes were often cancelled and coaches scheduled practices around it. It started by the 6 ppl in my squad buying $300 worth of liquor from the store at 5pm on Friday (Ahhhh, Refund Checks!). We’re drinking straight Hennessy out of this Goblet/Chalice thingy. Invite women over. Women proceed to get drunk. We are now receiving lap dances from said women but please remember it is only 7pm. This is all that I can individually remember. Group/picture memory kicks in. The dorm room we were chilling in only had 2 bedrooms, a kitchenette and a bathroom. I’m chilling gettin this lap dance from drunken girl when she tells me that she wants to go to seminary school. I laugh to the point where she’s hurt and she runs out of the bedroom. I laugh to myself but as soon as she gets out the room she screams. She walked into the kitchenette to find one girl having chex w/ one friend and another girl giving a job to the other friend. I laugh so hard that the girls kinda get embarrassed and run out of the room. My friends get angry w/ me calling me a c*ck block. I decide that I would chug tequilla straight from the bottle until they were no longer angry w/ me. I got through half of a handle. I’m schwasted. Now its about 9pm and we’re making our way to a party when we run into a girl who’s name rhymes w/ Seniorita. I’m too drunk to speak. My man is spitting game furiously. Hittin her with lines like “He hit, I hit, we hit!!” or “he’s like my brother, we gotta do everything together”. I black out. I wake up doing work on the jawn. My friend caught whiskey d*ck and is trying to get his sh*t up (Pawse). I black out. I come to looking for my socks and cursing the girl out talkin about how she stole my underwear. I wear my boys drawers and socks (one sock is covered in chocolate sauce). It is now 11pm and i finally make it to the party. Knuck if you buck comes on and we’re literally on the 3rd floor of a house jumping as hard as we could. Ppl on the second floor reported seeing sawdust all over the place. We get kicked out of the party. We hear of another party a block away. Something gives me the bright idea of running on top of the cars all the way up the block, literally jumping from car to car. I am 280lbs at the time and my friends are similar in weight. Trying to jump on a van from a volvo, i fall and break my foot. I am know hobbled in the middle of the street dodging traffic. Instead of helping me, my friends decide that “the car beat me” and decide to DESTROY the car. Jumping on top of it and smashing all of the windows. We run off before the cops come. We get to the second party. I decided it was too hot and go to adjust the thermostat. I cut my hand on the edge of the thermostat and instead of cleaning it up i just wipe it on the wall. Ppl get mad and kick us out. We’re standing outside and bump into alphas that we dont like. We proceed to argue and call them every name in the book. Someone finally calls the cops. Asian cop arrives on the scene first. I have never cursed out a man in the way that I cursed out this Asian cop. Calling him every asian racial slur in the book. My boys pull me way (luckily I didnt get arrested yet). I make it back to the dorm to find this girl I know crying outside. She told me her boyf choked her. I laugh hysterically which makes her cry more. I hobble inside to find boyf standing there. He is also on the football team. He goes to give me a pound and instead I punch him square in the face in the middle of the lobby in front of campus security. I am dragged from the dorm and there is currently a manhunt on campus for me. I had to sneak into the dorm through my window. I slept on my bedroom floor, face down in vomit, w/ a broken foot and a swollen hand.
@Plain Ole Peyso,
Sorry that its so long!
@Plain Ole Peyso,
Damn son…lol
@Plain Ole Peyso,
all I can do is blink….youse a wild bwoy boy, lol
@Plain Ole Peyso, :-O… tell me you got kicked out… oh wait, you prolly went to a 2520 skool huh?
@Yeah…SO?!,
LMAO!!!
@Yeah…SO?!, Yep. Good ole fashion urban 2520 school
@Yeah…SO?!, When this happen I was already on academic and housing probation. This incident got me on disciplinary
@Plain Ole Peyso, thank goodness (no offense), I know someone that str8 jumped THRU a frekkin window (literally) at an HBCU and got kicked out (well there’s a lot more to the story tho)- smh… lol dat sh*t is funny.
@Yeah…SO?!,
I’m thinkin’ you’re talking about my alma mater… happened freshman year, he was high off of boat (or something) and thought he was superman
@Smiley Face, Oooo you may be right- lol
@Yeah…SO?!,
lol…dayum shame ain’t it? smh
@Plain Ole Peyso,
I think a movie could be made out of this entire night. LOL
(one sock is covered in chocolate sauce). .
Should I even ask if you REALLY mean chocalate sauce?? And how did “chocalate sauce” end up on your sock? Let me find out the sock was being used for other purposes…….rhymes with mubbers. ROTFLMAO
@Plain Ole Peyso,
BEST STORY EVER!
@ComicBookGuy,
i agree.
@The Champ, I cosign the cosign, I have now read it 4 times.
@Plain Ole Peyso,
OMGGGGGGGGGG ROTFLMFAO
@Plain Ole Peyso,
LMFAO. wuuuuuttt??!! iDied quite a few times while reading this story.. my fave tho? “the car beat me” ..hahahaha!
Thank you for making my life a better place with this story! lol
@Plain Ole Peyso, *This message is delivered post mortum as BigBuck has been killed by this story* BWAHAHAHAHA!!! That is the best drunk story I have heard, EVER! “Instead of helping me, my friends decide that “the car beat me” and decide to DESTROY the car.” <—Have we hung out before? LOL
aaaaahhh…the joys of my 28th birthday (wasn’t even drunk!!! just feeling aight…realllllyy aight)..involved being spanked with a paddle and barked at…(gotta love them gold boot wearing mofo’s…smh) at the strip club (had a ball, was treated like a princess, even got crowned, lol), calling my best friend at 3 in the morning after IHOP for some good gawd (even though he was visiting his parents…didn’t care), showed up 30 mins later received the good gawd got dayum, got dressed kissed him “thank you for my b-day present” and trekked my happy (really happy) self back to Anacostia and slept for 2 days.
28 was a good good year
La Bakir, I’d much rather throw up on boots than throw up on KCID. There’s somrthing about throwing up on KCID that makes the morning after…so…much…worse.
@meka, *looks sheepisly left to right* what’s a KCID?
@La Bakir,
Spell it backwards.
@V Renee, I Caaaaaaaaaaan’t ! the cleverness here is unbelievable.
And yeah, I’ll take the boots for $500
@La Bakir,
spell it backward..
Last year, I visited my girlfriends in DC to celebrate one of their birthdays. So we went to this one club( can’t remember the name right now, blaming it on the goose), and drank copious amounts of tequila shots…then topped it off the night with a toast (champaigne, mixed grenadine, & a shot of goose). Then I texted, my booty call in the area, & he was partying at a different spot. We head there….[blurr..me, bootycall, in a bathroom stall, & panties that have yet to be found].
After leaving ….we pulled onto the side of the road somewhere is northern VA bc we all had to pee. Now all 5 of us are on the side of the road giggling, yelling and instructing each other on how to squat properly while intoxicated. Then one of my friends starts vomitting while still pissing(she’s the multitasker). At this point my mind is playing tricks on me …I started screaming because I saw a hitchhiker walking toward us [still a topic of debate as to whether that person existed]. We all start screaming thinking we were going to be killed and run towards the car. Whilst I am running to the car, my friend forgets to pull her panties up and trips and falls. We screaming, “Get the f@ck in the car!!” How we got back to her house is still blurr. I woke up the next morning sleeping in a closet with one shoe (the one was outside on the lawn).
@Will Slap EmWithaDegree+Frame,
I woke up the next morning sleeping in a closet with one shoe (the one was outside on the lawn). .
I have officailly been kilt. ROTFLMAO
@V Renee,
I was kilt by the hitchhiker that may or may not have existed…lmao
@Will Slap EmWithaDegree+Frame, *dies and comes back reincarnated* that was some funny ish
@Will Slap EmWithaDegree+Frame,
well dayum lol!
@Will Slap EmWithaDegree+Frame,
Man, I swear women have the best drinking stories. It is good to see proof that y’all are just as crazy as guys are.
@Will Slap EmWithaDegree+Frame,
I CANNOT!!!!!!!! this is fucking hilarious — yall are totally making my Friday right now.
@Sadé, ..hopefully this will make your sat-mon as well.
so the year before last…me and my same group of friends had a house party. We had a house drink called “lush” [ironic]. We had soaked strawberries in cheap vodka covered in chocolate, jello made of entirely vodka (no water added). We even had a room titled, ” Sex in the Champaigne Room”, which we laced with lotion, lube, a basket of condoms & a redlight. We gave our neighbors a plate of food so they wouldnt complain about the party. Then 3 friends and myself dressed in skimpy french maid outfits serving the shots….
Details that I can’t piece together:
-tossing a passed out guy down the steps
-Several ppl returning the next day looking articles of clothing.
-me sleeping in the champaigne & a girl exiting before I passed out.
@Will Slap EmWithaDegree+Frame,
welcome and sh*t, and way to welcome yourself with bang
Sorry can’t reply directly to comments.
@ Peyso- lmao it may be possible. But shhhh
@Champ- college is a wonderful place
@ Will Slap EmWithaDegree+Frame—>this story is priceless.
@LaBakir—>spell KCID backwards. Lol.
@Monk—> the last guy dated actually said he wanted a chick to throw up on his tallywang. Unfortunately for him, we never got drunk together or I’m sure I would have obliged him.
@meka,
i didn’t want to say nothing…but i have a fetish about women earling on my kcid. something about the gag reflex and kcid in mouth…and if you can keep going with minimal clean up…lawd have mercy. and the red teary eyes too…
@atltx, *blank stare*
@La Bakir,
i’m just sayin…and more women like to gag than you know…yall just will not admit it or advertise until you meet a dude that’s into it too.
I even know the code phrase used when yall request it. i swear that phrase pops up more when alcohol is involved.
alcohol is fabulous…wish i would have met more of yall cool females of the years…i kept meeting “drinking is not good for you” type chicks. got on my damn nerves.
@atltx, Maybe that’s true…I just know for me…that’s a no go. I HATE vomiting, like I try to avoid it at all cost. The smell alone and the sounding of gagging is terrible. Then you’d have the scent of vomit and chex *shivers*. I’ll pass.
But yes, alcohol is freaking awesome!!!
@atltx,
i kept meeting “drinking is not good for you” type chicks. got on my damn nerves.
Aren’t those chicks annoying?
@La Bakir,
Sign me up for the *blank stare* too.
when the king got drunk……
a…..tongue flips to mad spanish…
b…..womens asses get slapped right and left
c…..fight with rednecks ….
d…..popo
e….. king don’t drink no mo
@kingpinenut,
LOL!!!!
while my legal team has informed me that its best to leave some stories under wraps i’ll just share a quick smattering of some things i’ve done b/c i’ve been drunk:
– grandma passes in 2004, go to ATL for funeral, get pissy drunk off a WHOLE bottle of Henny…start shouting out my grandma, Tupac, Biggie, and all the other fallen gangstas that have passed on…in a house full of churchgoing folks…btw, Henny thru a straw will F*CK you up every time. its like it goes to a special drunk place
- NYE 2005: some club in NYC. im passed out drunk in club. i get kicked out. i coerce bouncer to let me back in under condition that i dont go to sleep again. i go to sleep again. wake up to a fracas b/w my boy and some other cat at bar. i jump in fight. sure i land a few punches. i go back to sit down and fall asleep again. i get kicked out…definitively for fighting and sleeping club. not sure who won fight, i went back to sleep.
- NYC 2006: didnt eat food all day. go out. me and mi hombre start off with long islands then proceed to take shots of patron. i ordered some shrimp to eat. i eat 3 shrimpy shrimp. down 5 shots of patron. (remember no food). Black out. wake up in random hotel room that i’d never seen before and i’m cold. scared, but im like f*ck it, if im gonna die, i’m gonna at least get some more sleep first.
find out later we took 8 shots of patron (i honestly dont remember anything past 5). it comes up b/c im like man those 5 shots were a killer. everybody was like, 5? we took 8. then you started dancing with everybody, met a slew of people and introduced us to a new group of folks. fell down teh stairs, got up and said, “hey im sexxy”, we left, cab driver didnt want to take us home cuz you were drunk, so you threw up in his cab while he tried to pull off, so we took you to a new friends hotel room and left you there to go get breakfast. with your credit card.
just a few.
@Panama Jackson, ‘fell down teh stairs, got up and said, “hey im sexxy”, ‘
LMAO!! Awesome!
@Panama Jackson,
you a 3 but you STAY sexxy don’t you?!! lol. I ain’t mad…
@Panama Jackson, Hold up, I had to stop reading just to ask… You really gon call yo grandma a gansta like dat?… then again, considering it’s the A I retract that question cause I know of plenty of glok toatin grandma ’round deez parts…
@Panama Jackson, I really dont want my grandma to die but I think I want the funeral to be like that
@Panama Jackson, oh-my-gawd…you are funny, boy.
@Panama Jackson, LLS and any alcoholic beverage thru a straw *nods head yessss* and LLS @ “cold and scared” LOL
@Panama Jackson,
“falling down the stairs”- I cosign on the dotted line. I was trying to do a segzzy slide down the banister.
It was a grand day for celebrations, libations, and elation – my birthday. The homie and I had voyaged to the wonderful world where men (and some women) unwind, the illustrious land of Magic City. I had been invited there by a strikingly attractive “business” woman whom I had done some work for (don’t ask) and “befriended” who suggested I celebrate my birthday in this magical city. She also happened to be an employee there who knew how to do magic – well..maybe not “magic” per se, but the things that she could do on a pole seemed almost illusional and mystifying to say the least.
Anyway, liquor is a’flowing, gorgeous girls are performing to the tune of “Shake It Fast (Watch Yo’Self)” and a number of crunktastic classics, my homeboy and I are elebriated from countless Belevedere’s and pineapple juice, and my “friend” walks up and whispers in my ear, “Are you ready for me?” I nod “yes”.
Some call it dancing, but I’d say I was entertained by her sensual performance art for nearly about an hour. When finished, she wouldn’t take a dime from me.
As the evening comes to an ending, homeboy and I are about to leave. We hop in my truck and realize that we both are way wasted to drive. We pass out in the parking lot. My cell phone rings shortly after and wakes me up. “Where are you is heard on the other end?” In a drunken stupor response, I reply still in the parking lot.
Long story short, my “friend”, the dancer, drove me and my homeboy to her place in Austell, GA to sober up and slumber. When I awoke, I didn’t know where on the planet I was. I was in a room that I can tell had been decorated with a female’s touch, but had little reccollection on how I got there…I just remebered being in “The City”. I walk out of the room to find my homeboy knocked out on the couch. My friend emerges from her room and all she has to say is, “Did you enjoy your birthday?”
She drops us off at my ride and rolls off into the midday fog.
They say God watches over fools and drunks..well, at least on that night, a stripper did to.
@Monk,
*claps* A story that shows you that strippers aren’t all bad people.
@ComicBookGuy, this comment made the story 3x funnier
@Monk,
You met a stripper with a heart of gold!
@Monk, Proof of my theory that strippers are the missing link between angels and demons…..think about it.
@BigBuck, Hilarity
@BigBuck,
having personal non paying relationships with strippers is addictive
dude…just try it once…date a stripper my man…or an ex stripper…or a chick that has a pole in her place…dude…you’ll never go back to mere mortal women. I swear foe god…i’m not lyin…
pour you a drank…walk around nekkid all the time clapping their booty at random times…cooking…cleaning…and “perform “pole” moves that will have your head spinning…
@atltx,
Man, the personal, non paying relationship with a stripper is priceless. Not only on the level of things they’d do, but things you can learn. In ways, I would equate it with the benefits a woman can receive from having a gay male friend.
smgdh @ all this shrit……..phuck!
pops told me when i was a young…..”you get arrested son…I’ll kill you with my own hands before they lock you up”
i’d need a 1000 lives to live like y’all……lawd
@kingpinenut,
I been in the back of a squad car but never won the bracelets. I don’t do “arrested” either. Papa and/or Mama Stank-0 would have ended my life.
LLS and any alcoholic beverage thru a straw *nods head yessss* and LLS @ “cold and scared” LOL
It’s funny my wild drunk stories have come with older age. Does tolerance decrease as you get older?
Anywho, you know females have male friends that they don’t find attractive but they are very fond of and love to hang out with. Well I was celebrating a girlfriends birthday and she had Courviosier that I had about 4 to 5 shots of chased with a couple of cans of bud light. My gf left to go back home and my guy friend called and asked if i wanted to hang out. I said yea and went to meet him. But before I did I made out with my gf’s cousin. It had been so long since I made out with someone new and I love kissing boys its fun. He wanted the business but I wasn’t that drunk….yet.
But all that kissing made me want more. I got with my guy friend and I drank I don’t know how many more beers. He began to tell me how beautiful i was and other game spitting. I was extremely vunerable because I had become a recluse after my BF and I broke up and he moved to California. Sooooo much to my regret I made out with him too, for hours. He was a gentlemen and didn’t pursue the draws. Thank god cause I prob would have gave it to him. I regret it and we are still friends but it’s so hard to be around or to look at him now. Luckily he hasn’t asked for a repeat….hmmm maybe he regrets it too!
Vunerability + Drunkedness+a platonic friend you don’t find attractive but he’s digging u = REGRET
@TiP, platonic friends that dig you that you don’t dig back kinda suck all around (emphasis on kinda)… they make me feel so guilty sometimes like “dang, I’m sorry I’m just not into you like that, but I appreciate you picking me up from the airport @ 1am tho paying that cab fair would have suxed @ss”- oh well
@Yeah…SO?!, careful careful with those platonic friends..of whom I use to have plenty, always loved just hangin out with the fellas, but the older I got the more it became a problem, mostly for them LOL…
I got smarter and realized its kinda selfish to keep them around even though you are honest and don’t think you are leading them on, but just being around you gives them hope etc, and it must suck for them tpo harbor those desires and not be able to act on them…so I decided after many discussions about this dynamic and after a rather unpleasant exp……its best to not hang so much for more reasons than one when I know a dude is feeling me.
@OrangeStar616, way to be a buzzkill (lol)… agreed and I will…one day (hee hee)… I’m kinda hoping thier new girlfriend will balance this thang out tho- ah ha!
@Yeah…SO?!, ” they make me feel so guilty sometimes like “dang, I’m sorry I’m just not into you like that, but I appreciate you picking me up from the airport @ 1am tho paying that cab fair would have suxed @ss”- oh well”
COSIGN d*mnit cosign!!!! I had a “friend” like this once and we’re no longer friends cause he tried to put the moves on me in my sleep one night… And cause he was a black Republican
@BKSweetheart, ewwww… that made me feel dirty all over. Just the thought! *shivers*- but that’s my dude tho, love em like a play cuzzin (that may be the problem) *sigh*
@Yeah…SO?!,
the hell is a platonic friend? no such thing…i wish like hell i would get out the bed to save somebody a $20 cab ride and not be gettin ass. cats like this make it hard for us “ain’t payin for shit while other nuccas gettin the ass” dudes. So yall get dropped off at home and call in the “back beater upper”…and give him hell since he acted like he couldn’t come pick you up in the first place. *pats self on back* LOL
@atltx, lol… you make it sound so wrong. I would do it for him- go pick him up, if he was stranded and NO ONE, I MEAN NO ONE else was avavilable- like “yo grandma with cataracts can’t come, you sure? try her one more time then call me bak”- lol… I’m playin
@TiP,
F*ck my life.
All those times I’ve had attractive yet platonic friends over to the house talking ’bout “too bad you don’t drink”.
I need better guy friends to school me to the rest of the story, but that’s ok, my new-found VSB/VSS friends are educating me.
After tonight, my crib will be well-stocked! As a non-drinker I’m open to your suggestions on what to have in the bar.
@Caballeroso, P.E., Hehe, glad I could help. I would say you can never go wrong with Tequila, especially Patron. But it’s costly and we are in a recession so the next best, IMO, is Jose Cuervo.
@Caballeroso, P.E., fruity isht (like malibu and pineapple or anything tini- appletini etc )girly girls love dat stuff… but if you’ve got a professional on your hands- much like myself- just have some Bacardi or Hennessy on deck, some coke(soda that is) and we’ll do the rest.
never been drunk. *shrug* i make my mistakes sober and sh!t.
@SouthernGirl,
I’m listening….?
@SouthernGirl,
same here. i do everything that i regret (like dancing on a bar at a frat party) fully sober but i let enough ppl see me sip a lil alcohol and they blame it on the alcohol on my behalf. i have acting drunk down to a science, esp around 2520s.
@SouthernGirl,
See now that’s bad bcoz atleast when u drunk u know what to do to make sure u don’t acts a fool again.
Aww sh*t you bout to open up the floodgates over here LOL.. This is like the story of my life.. I have toooooo many “blame it on the alcohol” stories.. too many to share. One of my all time drunken nights:
A couple years ago I went to my a party for my boss.. I must have had about 15 glasses of chardonnay.. So i’m laughing and having a grand ole time and all the sudden I felt sick.. So i ran to the bathroom and apparently (this is where it gets foggy and/or was told what happened on the next Monday at work lol) I went to the bathroom and sat on the toilet (pants down and everything) and passed out with my head in my lap. When people noticed I had been gone for a while, my boss and a couple other folks came in the bathroom looking for me. Someone else in the bathroom told them there was a girl in one stall and had been in there for a long time. So they came into the stall (which i apparently didn’t even lock) and they helped me up – I still had my pants down – so my boss pulls up my pants for me and asks me if I’m going to puke. I go to say something and thats exactly when it came.. So I turned around and started puking and get this – my BOSS had to hold my hair back while I puked my insides out!! So after that they walked me over to the bar to sit down while they found someone who could take me home. So my one coworker’s husband had drove so they were going to take me home. So they’re trying to ask me where I live but I was so out of it I couldn’t even answer – they had to go in my purse and look at my checkbook for my address. So then like three people had to all but carry me up the stairs of the bar and hold me up on the sidewalk while my coworkers husband went to pull the car around. So they put me in the car and I ended up puking again in the car, luckily they had given me a plastic bag just in case. Then to top it all off, I had an old address on my checks so they ended up taking me to the wrong place. Luckily the place I had recently moved was only 5 min away from my old spot.
But my boss was so cool, on Monday she didn’t even mention it to me. I worked with mostly 2520′s at that time – I instantly became the resident “girl who knows how to f*ckin party!!” and they started inviting me out all the time after that. You know that sh*t is nothing to them.. It was my “initiation” LOL.
Drunk moments let you know that you are truly alive. Let’s see…
1. While playing Wisconsin Sleeper with some folk I didn’t know, I licked a Ques Omega brand….it was on his ass. Straight School Daze moment.
2. Performed the pole dance routine I learned in class in my homegirl’s dining room…with no pole…the floor portion was fabulous…i got that hair flip thing down.
3. After finally getting all the way to the top of the stairs with my boyfriend pushing me up there from behind, I couldn’t stand up so I slid all the way back down the stairs…on my ass and in slow motion…you literally heard the plop, plop, plop sound as I went down each step
4. While at FAMU, and living off campus in Melrose which was soo sophisticated they had keycards instead of a damn key, broke it off in the door and had to wait for security to let me in my damn apartment…my roommates and I had to use the back door until the apartment folk could remove it.
@Sweet Magnolia Brown, FAMU FAMU FAM…..g&t d@med U alright alright alright….
@Sweet Magnolia Brown,
oooo…I remember playing “sleepers” ..got our freshman arses but good, lol. but got the get back the next year *evil laughter*
@Sweet Magnolia Brown,
Wisconsin Sleeper .
What’s this?
@Sweet Magnolia Brown,
“1. While playing Wisconsin Sleeper with some folk I didn’t know, I licked a Ques Omega brand….it was on his ass. Straight School Daze moment.”
I have been laughing/crying/cringing all day, but THIS??? Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew!! Those are my bruhs but ain’t now way in hayle!! No…just no. You musta been real messed up to let this go down…lol!
@Sweet Magnolia Brown
HEY RATTLA!
Lawd KNOWS we gots some stories…FAMU was da BEST!!!!
Every girl’s got them, so here are tidbits from my misadventures:
1. Me and friends got pissy drunk at an upscale restaurant;I go to the bathroom and drop my cell phone in the toilet. I ponder with myself and other bathroom patrons for 5 minutes about the best way to retrieve it.
2. After a night of heavy drinking, my good friend (and next door neighbor) and I return home to discover that she’s lost her house keys during the course of the night. I cradle the toilet while she tries to figure out how the hell she’s going to get into her apartment. Another drunk friend overhears her dilemma and decides to break down her front door to let her in. She passes out and awakes to next morning to wonder what the hell happened to her door!
3. Went to the club with my boyfriend and some other friends; proceed to get pissy drunk. My boyfriend crosses an acquainetence and they have a quick catch-up chat. I make it my mission to declare loudly that this chick is way too ugly to even be spoken to and try to fight her (Thank goodness for friends who intervened).
Don’t have too many tales of drunkenness…and unfortunately the one’s I have happened when I was over thirty so I can’t even blame it on youth
But this guy I was interested in invited me to join him on an overnight trip to Atlantic City. I was like cool…thinking maybe this trip would be a chance for us to possibly hit it off and take it up a notch. We spent the day hanging out and gambling then that night we went to a couple of bars for drinks…He’s a borderline alcoholic…I’m a lightweight (105 lbs soaking wet) and I had barely eaten all day. I tried to keep up with him…Apple martini, vodka and cranberry, long island, then patron shots that I don’t even remember drinking…..I swear patron erases my memory every time I drink it….
I woke up the next morning confused about why I was sleeping in the bed with my clothes on….with no recollection of anything after the first patron shot….
over breakfast he filled me in on the details…let’s just say the night didn’t end as planned….I wound up hitting on some old dude next to us at the bar then the guy I was with wound up carrying me out of the bar with me throwing up in my hair….he helped me to the hotel room where he helped me wash up in the sink then watched me sleep half the night to make sure I didn’t choke on my own vomit. Not a sexy end to the evening at all…..
.
@klysha,
…I wound up hitting on some old dude next to us at the bar then the guy I was with wound up carrying me out of the bar with me throwing up in my hair
How is that even possible?
Oh yeah, I checked out your blog and I saw that you are originally from Mobile, AL. I lived there for about three years and I actually miss it. I was on my own out there right out of college and made some great friends.
@ComicBookGuy,
My hair is pretty long when straightened out…long enough that if I don’t hold it back when vomiting it can catch the vomitous spew….. he wound up helping me get vomit out of my hair back in the hotel….
and yes I’m from good ol Mo-Bee-illl AL…home of the leprechaun and the first Mardi Gras in the US… going back for Mardi Gras in a couple of weeks…..sometimes I miss it a little bit…then I remember how much I have to do here and how little I had to do there. So I just visit frequently to catch up with my folks….there are some great people there.
I got one for you…I’ll keep with the trend too
So junior year college, some classmates and I through a party on campus. I went to a pwi, so the black folks and waight folks didn’t really mingle to much. Well my classmates and I made it our mission to throw a party that both blacks and whites could look back fondly on and say, “That ish was ill son!” or “dude, F8ckin-A man, awesome party!” (whatever your choice might be). So we get it all set up, hired a dj to mix the tunes in with eachother (this was at the height of the crunk era so you know what WE wanted to listen to) and the pale faces had their choice of tunes (she’s my cherry pie, sweet home alabama, fall out boy-who are actually pretty good btw, but I digress…).
The party’s groovin the liq if flowin, etc. etc. It was my job to watch and make sure folks were having a good time, so when I saw this, I assumed my job was done. So I start hitting it up, hand and bottle to the face! I don’t remember a whole lot but I remember hearing a green day song, and walking on the snack tables with a bottle of disarono (my drink of choice). My frat bruhs said, that later that night I was slobbing white girls down, and telling them, “Show charli murphy ya titties!” (this was also the height of the dave chappelle era) Apparently, a few girls, and were more than willing to show me them mam’ries. There were pics of me with pink nips in my mouth and me smiling so hard that my eyes were closed.
Apparently that same evening, I decided it was a good idea to holla at every single girl that I hadn’t had a chance to holla at while in undergrad, (liquid courage) So thats what I did. I spit the most serious game I had at a whole slew of girls…black, white, asian indian (whats up mitha!), etc.
I don’t remember much of who I spit at, it’s all second hand from guys who saw me at the party. There are still a ton of pics of me literally licking the insides of girls ears as I spit that hot fiya! The culmination of the night was me waking up at 4am in a strange dorm room. rolling over it noticed I was pantless with 1 sock and a thong on my head…Said thong belonged to the young lady who was in charge of the on campus ministry…Gawd Forgive me, for i know not what I did…
The year ended well tho, most of the young ladies I talked to had no idea i was “interested” in them in “that manner” and it provided for many a conquest and notch in the bed post as the year drew on…
I don’t know what’s more entertaining right now, these stories, or this Charles Phillips/YaVaughnie Williams ish I’m reading ’bout…lol
Seriously…it’s a toss up right now.
@miss t-lee, “Charles Phillips/YaVaughnie Williams ish I’m reading ’bout…lol”
Yet one more dude who’s hemmed up with a side piece who’s not as bad as his wife…If you wanna do dirt, don’t get married…
@Bobby Drake,
I’m just tripping that she’s an 8 year jo, and didn’t stay in her lane.
@Bobby Drake, that sh*t is crazy tho, SMH this brawd Yee-von-nae young, let it go, cause them billboards are only making you look uber pressed, as if 8 years of being a jump off/side chick doesn’t say it all..moral of the story guard your heart and for goodness sakes have some standards and some type of moral code.
@OrangeStar616,
Yee-von-nae .
I am so weak at the way you spelled her name.
Yeah she looks super jaded and foolish right now.
@V Renee, LLS, that name is just a tad extra LOL
@miss t-lee,
How in the hell do you pronounce her name?!! o_O
@Smiley Face,
I was thinking Yah-von-ee.
*heyll that’s the best I got…lol
@miss t-lee,
giiiirrllllllll….
@miss t-lee, I think the best part of this story is that… he ain’t denying that isht like
“yeah, I f*ked her- all the best”- smh… everybody knows (or so I’ve been told eh hem) the best part about puttin a married man on blast is watchin the mofo scramble like o_O – wut a waste.
@Yeah…SO?!,
True…I’m thinking of what I could’ve done with the 250g’s she spent on billboards…da heyll?
@miss t-lee, sometimes it seems like the dumbest people have the most money.
@Yeah…SO?!,
No truer words have been spoken.
@miss t-lee,
Wow… in the article it says she’s 41. They had an 8 1/2 yr fling, right? So she was a jumpoff since 32-33 yrs old? Wow, she’s an automatic FML Hall of Fame inductee.
@SouthernCharm,
I agree. Top 5 inductee at that!
I don’t even need to be drunk. Being tipsy alone will bring me close to homewrecking capabilities. I don’t know why this particular trait comes out.
That is all.
@lulu, “I don’t even need to be drunk. Being tipsy alone will bring me close to homewrecking capabilities. I don’t know why this particular trait comes out.”
My kinda lady right here! And i’ve found that wen you just allow those particular traits to run free, you’re a much happy person, lol. and you can make some many peolpes lives happier by relaying your story…
*Cue Slick Rick’s Children’s Story as Soundtrack* One wild, Thanksgiving weekend back in 1989, my home girl and I consumed an entire liter of 151 Rum before we went clubbing. Over the course of the night I:
1. Publicly clowned a ONS for being a lousy lay.
2. Further embarrassed ONS for having his fly open as if to have his lame wang on display.
3. Ran up a tremendous bar tab and on said ONS and left.
4. Went to another club where current boyfriend’s ex girlfriend was having a birthday party.
5. Danced with her new man and publicly kissed him smack in the mouth
And the coup de grace:
6. Cut her birthday cake, ate half a hunk and put it back on the tray. As she was having me and home girl escorted from the premises to the parking lot, I splashed slushy, dirty and cold Cleveland, puddle water on her and the security guard as I peeled away in my Pontiac.
@Neighborhood Hussy, that was a good night.
@Neighborhood Hussy,
I can totally see the cake incident going down.
LMAO!
@Neighborhood Hussy,
Your name is fitting! Me likey!!!!! lol
@Neighborhood Hussy, That 151 will do it to you. We used to like taking shots of that bad boy, but setting them of fire first. Last time I indulged…a friend and I decided to follow these chicks to a lesbian bar. It wasn’t like we expected. Long story short, we got dissed by the chicks. Made convo with some other chicks. Them chicks were chicks until some drunk gay dude spilled a drink on one of em and the voice changed. We looked at each other and my boy threw a punch. Tranny fell flat on the floor. I pulled him outta there. We ended up being chased by a group of trannys. I mean these mugs took their heels off and were sprinting right after us. We RAN LIKE HELL!!! I swore…never fux with the 151 again.
@HabitualLineCrossa, uh this deserves it’s own post- LMAO!
Why I will never drunk-text again:
After several hours of Happy Hour (my coworkers and I start early and leave late), I texted my then-boo, STEPHEN, a blunt request: Send me the D**K video.
Thirty minutes later, STEVEN–the husband of my best girlfriend, the father of my three godchildren–called me to wonder why I had sent him a text message.
Because I was so heavily intoxicated, it took me a minute to realize my error. I apologized profusely and told him I wanted to NEVER talk about that text message again.
And then I hung up him while he roared with laughter.
@Tiff, LMAO! Classic!
@Tiff,
BWHAHAHAHAHAHA! I mean I’m not laughing at you, but instead with you.
Did your best friend ever say anything about it?
@V Renee, She never said anything. I mean I couldn’t tell him “Don’t tell Desiree” because that would simply make him tell her faster. But I think he heard the mortification in my voice. Either that or the slurring.
@Tiff,
I have 6 different Ashleys in my phone, so let’s just say I know the feeling.
LMAO @ this story..because it sounds like a situation my husband and I went through when we were dating..
And to be clear I have the alcohol tolerance of a toddler
1) My friends claim they found me “having a conversation with a sidewalk”.
2) Joined my neighborhood crackhead “Froggy” in a rousing duet rendition of Maxwells ” A Woman’s Work”, while waiting in line for a 2 piece wing dinner.
3) Engaged in a karate battle with my friends fence.
4) Challenged a complete stranger to a dance-off…I think I lost
5) Slept with a stripper
@Misty Knight,
5) Slept with a stripper
Any night that ends with that sentence couldn’t have been that bad of a night.
@ComicBookGuy,
He had a tounge ring….and an S-curl..and he wore contacts..COLOR CONTACTS
*sigh*
Who knows how many tricks he turned at “The Right Track” to pay for those things!
@Misty Knight,
Well, in that case, I am sorry. S-Curl is bad enough but color contacts? You poor thing.
Did your screen name come from the comic book character?
@ComicBookGuy,
Yes Misty Knight as in “Heros For Hire” and all that Marvel Comic Jazz…
Thank you for your concern..I have since recovered. No woman wants to wake-up to a member of Pretty Ricky.
@Misty Knight,
Cool. I thought so. You know she is pregnant with Iron Fist’s baby now in the comics?
I can’t top that Pretty Ricky comment. Not at all.
@Misty Knight,
See and I thought I had heard it all…… but nope, you come along with this story.
iCANT!!!! BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I’ll share two…
1. My 24th bday party my girls got me YTboywasted under the guise of club hopping, instead they had a stripper come twurk it out. I don’t remember much other than the fact i was horny as eff & know i had the time of my life… but photo evidence quckly became a reminder, apparently at the end of the night i was carried to my friend’s truck, @ some point we went thru a drive thru where a dude proceeded to ride the rails and footboard of the truck to talk to me, we argued then he got in and we made out *why my girls let me kiss a complete stranger idk* oh yeah it was the alcohol… my friend gave guy my # when i passed out. Morning after = i pulled a Stella he was 18 and became a stalker.
2. was out of town at a convention. hung out with an ex-situation and mutual friends @ said convention. aforemention ex was currently in dedicated relationship w/ his current girlfriend. private party at the 40/40, plus open tab, plus multiple dances and unisex bathrooms. Morning after = me pulling an Alicia Keys, homeboy didn’t hit a homerun but i swear the alcohol would have let me let him do it… and i despise Hester Prynes, never again, lol!
Happy Birthday Manny and Peyso!
@Peyso, no worries, tingle on
@the Champ, no animals were hurt in the making of this…production
@CPT, Miss T & Smiley, Sing it!
man i wish h2o was still open… I live in walking distance to the area and had high hopes of doing drunk walks home to save on cab fare/accidents, lol… but ?, you walked to Waterfront of L’Enfant? cause i ain’t no punk when it comes to a brisk walk but it still takes me at least 10 mins to get to either
@Eks M, sorry for the double post… apparently i clicked delete right at 1sec
Now these are a few from a vault that had been closed, but in the spirit of these posts, I feel its my duty to share some more stupid things I have done.
So a long long time ago, my girl had a becky neighbor that lived on the floor below hers that I always flirted with, but we both knew we had significant others so we kept it PG. One day, I get to the spot, and becky is in need of help with groceries. I help her, take them to into her place, and she tells me to stop by anytime. I tell her my girl wouldn’t like that, she says her guy probably wouldn’t like that either. We laugh about it and leave it at that.
That night I’m out with the guys gettin it in when my girl calls and cusses me out asking me what I was doing in the becky’s spot. Apparently they bumped into each other in the complex gym and becky asked my girl to thank me again for helping her with the groceries. So now my girl thought we were boning. I end the night, go over to her place to try to salvage the situation and explain what is really going on. She won’t let me in.
Next morning I wake up and I’m in becky’s spot, buck nekkid, with no recall as to how in the hell I ended up there. I realize whats going on and check my phone. I have a bunch of texts and many many more missed calls from my girl. I decide to wash up hella quick in the sink, and put my dress shirt on, which btw is now missing half its buttons. I knock on my girls door. She open the door mad as hell. I’m running to change clothes since I have some of my gear at her spot and I’m running late for work. As I’m changing clothes, arguing with her, she pulls becky’s hair from my coat. I argue it coulda come from anybody while i was out. She tell me I got lipstick on the back of my neck. I argue it must have been from a random chick at the bar who thought i was someone else. In the middle of her snapping at me, she stops, and yells that my boxers are on backwards. Sad thing is, i never could remember if becky had any skills or not.
Another time after a helluva lotta drinks, we head back to the place of an ex female colleague of mine that I had made out with on occasion. We’d agreed to all meet up before we stepped out, and I ended up leaving my car there. It was her and another sista, 2 beckys, and 1 yt dude. We start drinking a lil more. The next morning, I woke up and everybody is still there. I ask about the night before, and they all bust out laughing. They proceed to tell me that the night was cool up until we all had started talmbout what looks better, the c00ch or the wang. So apparently a dare ensued, which resulted in me whipping it out and asking them if it aint the best looking piece they’d ever seen. The heffer took pictures, and sent them out to mutual friends and some folks that still don’t know. She had the nerve to try to bone after that, but I was pissed. In hindsight I probably should’ve since it was the only way to salvage that situation.
And if that wasn’t bad enough, I had two ex’s that would occasionally send me kat shots. twisted tricks knew I was married but some how get off on that. But anyways, one night out with the guys again. It happens. I tell the fellas about it. So I decide to flood this girls phone pics of my d**k. It seemed like a good idea. I walk to the bathroom, look at her pic, think back on it, a lil life down there, we in business. I take a pic, and send it to her. I swear it seemed like a good idea. So I go back to the table after I’m back normal. And proceed to resend the pic every time she did. It was like a battle. We all laughing. I drop my phone. Turn it back on, select her name then send the pic again. Only this time I selected the wrong name. I ended up sending it to the general counsel at my firm. And of course at this point I just kept on hitting resend on my phone without even knowing.
Next morning, she calls me into her office. She tells me about the texts she received. I am FLOORED. I proceed to tell her that I thought I was sending them to my wife. She is unmoved. Lectures me on professionalism and the possible legal ramifications that I could face if she so chose and all that. But next thing you know, she is handing me projects, calling me in on meetings, and I have become her go-to guy. She’d always look at me funny, with no indication of whether she wanted to squat on the d!ck or not. But the situation led to more responsibility which in turn led to bigger bonuses and promotions.
the moral of the story is…i have been a lucky bloke, and I test the gods no longer. I no longer fux with the bacardi 151 (see Neighborhood Hussy statement above), and don’t fux with the tanqueray…the saying gin makes you sin rings true for me.
@HabitualLineCrossa,
I try not to touch my phone at all when I hit the sauce heavy. Man, your stories are hilarious.
@HabitualLineCrossa, I feel like I know you- vierd… anywho- you’s a fool!
so im new…but this site is like good tasting poison cus i keep coming back and really…my productivity is declining cus i can’t stop reading all the stuff here…its jus hilarious really…
so, recent drunk story…a week before new years, i decided to head out to the club with my cousin. we started the night at some restaurant had some sangria…and well things started to go to hell from there. the sangria was good, but we left the restaurant buzzed for sure and began to head to the club. upon arrival at the club, we were lucky enough that my cousin had the hookup and we got in for free, plus got free drinks (not a good idea). on our way to the club…some patron was ingested and well, i was already buzzed from the sangria. so i couldnt really pass up the free drink, cus drinks are not cheap at the club…so what do i do? order an adios…why i couldn’t order a drink with less alcohol beats me. the club is starting to fill up and alcohol being the diuretic it is, there are a few bathroom breaks that happen. one on of these particular bathroom breaks, my cousin comes out cheesin a little too hard. she’s juiced cus she just found someone’s phone and wallet and decided to well…keep it. not a good idea. this is why ppl say karma comes back and kicks u in the @ss…cus eventually it does. my cousin being the dumb @ss she decides to be opens her mouth, tells the promoter who got us in that she found a phone. basically, this info gets back to the girl who has lost her stuff and she confronts my cousin later in the night. of course all hell is bout to break loose cus the girl wants her stuff back and my cousin of course is denying she took anything. so i figure okay, maybe nothin will go down, but if it does, ill have to get ready for a fight. i turn around for literally 1 min- 2 min tops and the next time i see my cousin, her nose is bleeding! whats worse is the girl who hit her wasnt the girl whose stuff she took, it was one of the girls friends who ran up behind her and hit her–straight punk! so of course we’re lookin to fight this girl, but she already gets kicked out the club…so when we head out to go look for her, shes gone. so we left all pissed and fired up ready to fight, but no one to fight with.
i got home…called my ex who came running (literally) from down the street and took care of me as i was this drunken mess. the next day i had to get on a plane @ 9am! from sf to texas and my body was not happy with me. i threw up so many times…i havent touched tequila since that night. u kno those barf bags on the plane that are for emergencies…yea, didnt make it to the stupid airplane bathroom…had to use the one right there in my seat. of course the woman next to me had no idea what was wrong with me…but i sure did…too much alcohol…
@inspired_sciencenerd, LOL! Welcome and thanks for popping your delurking cheery!
@Liz,
Thanks!
Oh yeah, last one for the day…I used to hit up the house parties after the clubs way back when. A friend and I met up with some other cats there bout like 3 am-ish. We sitting, getting it in when this swole dude walks up to us with a smaller cat that know one of the guys near us. EVERYBODY just jacked up at this point. Both these cats were in their 40′s or something. My guy tells me they both came out the pen recently.
So every time the smaller guy calls the big dude, he keeps calling him “Horse”. So my dumb ass starts cracking up loud as hell. Everybody looking at me. So I state that the smaller cat, who just got out the joint, kept calling this prison swole cat “Horse” like he referring to the size of his d!ck. And of course I ask if he had his teeth BEFORE he went inside and just happened to lose them in there cos they kept getting in the way. My guy and I found this hilarious. Long story short…we had to run like hell. The guys we knew there held them back. In hindsight it was funny as hell. The dudes that held them back didn’t wanna hang with me for a good year after that…I wouldn’t either. And by the way…he was calling him “Boss”.
But yeah, these are just some of the dumber moments that I’ve had that I can shake my head at today.
@HabitualLineCrossa, always running huh Crossa?- lol
@Yeah…SO?!, Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit…would rather laugh and say I ran from a bunch of trannys than say one stole on me!!! LOL real talk.
And for real though, I understood my limitations….fighting cock diesel swole ass cats was not the bidness…had to get my weight up.
I’ll make it quick…
Drunk as sheetzit… New Years Eve, 1998. Met a chick at a bar. Went back to her house. Gave her the (as Champ put it) whiskey-d*ck. Her mom heard all the ruckus. Decided she’d be damned if her daughter was the ONLY one having fun. So yeah… after I was done with the daughter, Moms got it too.
Not my proudest moment in life, hindsight being 20/20 and all. But we were all good friends for months afterwards. Never had such luck since.
@Joppie, Wow….
I have so many stories like these, that every year i manage to act a fool so such an extent that I have to stop drinking coz i just can’t handle the shame!!!
1.Back in my college days, me and girls were out of town visitng 1 of my friends parents for the weekend. My girls mom agreed to take us back to campus on sunday at 7pm. Cool.
We end up going out drinking, and having a huge party(on a sunday- smdh). Ofcourse we all get so srunk we forget all abvout the arrangements we made with my girls parents to drop us off. By the time we dragged our silly @$$es back home it was 3am and none of us even knew our name let alone how we made it home.
I do though have a vague recollection of bumping into my girls mom on the way up the stairs to her room so we could pass out. I remember my friend pushing past her mom so she could go puke in the bathroom. Fast forward to me stumbling out of bed to go use the bathroom. I take down my pants (ofcourse i got inot bed fully dresses) and sit down to pee, only to to feel this crusty substance on my @$$ when i sit. Horrified i get up and start crying(obviosuly i’m still drunk) because I’m convinced I shat on myself. After about half an hour i stumble back to bed.
When we all wake, we all recount our stories form the previous nite, turns out that was my friend’s dried puke i sat on in the bathroom. lol My friends parents was so pissed at us, we could barely look her in the eye as we apologised and made a run for it.
2. Me and a friend go to this party in joburg- i rocked up looking so good when the nite started. Everyone was sayin how good i liked, so i was feelin myself. It was some private do, so drinks were free and flowin and being the darkie that i am- just can’t say no to free drinks. I have no idea how many i knocked down, but apparently sometime during the nite, a lil group of peops were singing happy birthday to someone in the party, toasting and throwing back tequila shots. Apparently i joined the group, had a couple of their tequila shots and wished the birthday girl a happy birthday. Apparently the group was looking at me like ‘who the hell is this bish’.
By the time i stumbled out of that party, i was hanging on the walls, my rouge lipstick was all over my face. Stumbled to the car, tripped fell and broke to shoe. My friend says when i got up, the right side of my face was covered in some black soot. After my friend begged me not to drive and to come with her, i refused insisting i was fine and would make it home. Got behind the wheel- forgetting i’d broken my heel- started the car , my foot slipped and my car went straight into my friends ride which was parked in front of mine. Woke up the next morning in a starnge bed, and wearing only a t-shirt. I get up and walk out of the bedroom and realise i’m at my friends house. I wake up and knock on her door(she’s married) and ask her where my ish is coz i wanna go home. She tells me to chill for a bit- we’ll talk in about an hour. So i loiter, all the while the memories are flooding in. I geta flash back on driving into someone’s car. Panicked i go back to my friends room and tell her to wake up coz i think i’m trouble, and that i smashed someone’s car. She eventually wakes up and tells me to relax coz it was her car and it’s all good- just a minor scratch on hers, and that my car got the worst.
I stopped drinking for about 5 months after the above stunt.
The other stories are way too shameful to share. smdh!
Things that happened when I was drunk/weeded out, that I have never told anyone:
1. Weeded: three way with bff and her crush. He was really into her, she was really into me. I thought he was attractive enough to bang, even though at the beginning of the night I was supposed to be getting with his friend, who left early. Spent half the night chasing each other around the bed (her trying to get away from him to get to me, me trying to get away from her to get to him, him trying to get away from me to get to her). The next morning everything is cool until she nervously shouts “I’m not gay!” and her crush and I look at her like she’s nuts. Her crush and I stayed cool and occasionally bang (this was about 9 years ago).
2. Drunk: secks with 2520 I picked up in a club after walking up behind and grinding on a black dude, who was currently dancing with his girlfriend. Girlfriend reaches out to hit/push me, and I dodge her fist, keeping my balance expertly as only a drunk can, as I continue to grind into dude like I was born with a d*ck. 2520 sees the whole scene, laughs, pulls me away, plies me with more drinks. we dance. go to his place, in the middle of sex, my gf (who was there, messing with 2520′s friend, which I’d forgotten) taps me on the shoulder in the midst of secks and says, ok Im ready to leave now. Here’s your drawers.
3. Drunk: after sitting in this cat’s house drinking and watching porn he takes me to strip club, one night, tells me it’s for a meeting with his YT work colleagues. Fails to mention they are all swingers. I become slightly more aware of this when we are sitting around talking and one of the husbands puts his hand squarely on my thigh in the middle of talking about that last time he went to a hedonism resort. I don’t think that much of it since I find myself to be a knockout, even moreso when I’m drunk, besides strippers keep complimenting my shoes and outfit. In hindsight, not sure if that’s a good thing or not. We all go to a hot tub afterward for a naked, cliched soak and next thing I know all three women swarm around me and start making out with/going down on me (I was the youngest and the only black one and they were amazed at my lack of crow’s feet and natural breasts) and then men are watching and toasting each other. The women also move to go down on my dude, admiring how big and tall and asking him about his football days. Apparently groupies love you even after your ass doesn’t play anymore. Somehow I go down on one of the 2520 dudes while his wife watches. We part ways, me and my dude end up at Big Boy, seated next to a church youth group. Older cat is manually handling me under the table, one of the boys sees and doesn’t look away. I’m too drunk to make him stop. We go to parking lot, he leans me up against the car, one leg over his shoulder and goes downtown. A car pulls up to watch, waits until I get mine, applauds, cheers and drives away. We wave to the nice man. The next morning older cat recounts the story because I don’t remember much of it and asks what I’m doing the following night. 4. Weeded and drunk: 3 way with current main squeeze and his ex.
@RocktheCatbox, this reads like the script to a medium quality porn flick…wow
@RocktheCatbox,
Damn, and u seem like u have no trouble sleeping at nite. How do u do it girl, I need some pointers coz i know i’m not quite done actinga fool. I’ve been praying about for a minute now- lol:)
@mateosmuse,
1. I sleep like a baby. It’s surprisingly easy to when you share a bed with 8 people on a stack of bibles every night.
2. I am single handedly refuting the black male shortage theory, one d*ck at a time. I’m practically a sociologist. which means I get to do whatever the hell I want in the name of science.
Medium quality? YESSS!!!! LOL
These are just the craziest of my drunk stories containing sex. There ones that have public nudity, barefoot street racing, bar fights, falling down stairs and the police just aren’t as exciting.
Coming out of lurking status for this one Happy New Year!
After a good House party at my home – decided to reenact Whoop That Trick complete with dance steps. Backed clean out my front door and fell off the porch and down the steps and someone instead of helping me GOT IT ON TAPE!
New Years Eve 2009
Tried some new kinda juice w/vodka
Took three shots of Absolut before leaving the house cause I was broke
Drank SEVEN cocktails from hell on the $5/Martini menu
EVERYTHING ELSE I HAVE NO MEMORY OF
Brought in 2010 laid across the cocktail table in nothing but a thong and a Happy New Year Hat – Hubby brought in the New Year cleaning the Bathroom which he reminded me of by leaving the bucket and bleach and picture of him giving me the side eye in the bathroom!