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Jamie Foxx has a new album coming out in a few weeks. His first single (or one of them, not sure which one is the actual first single), “Just Like Me” featuring Usher and T.I. is a great song. Me love it long time.
Simple song premise: he cheated, and now his girl is doing the same thing, so she’s basically just like him.
Yep. They both f*ckin’ suck.
Well, T.I.’s verse is another in the vein of “I know I did you wrong girl, but you don’t get a brotha back like that.” with “like that = cheating”. So this got me to thinking about something.
Why do men take it so personal when their woman cheats on them…AFTER they’ve cheated on her? Like what other way should she get us back? And why is that the worst way to get a brotha back, anyway?? Hell Ghostface had a WHOLE song called “Back Like That” dealing with this.
I really don’t understand this phenomenon. This could always go back to my theory that women are just better people, and thereby more forgiving, so upon finding out that their man cheated, the woman just may decide that he made a mistake (assuming he lets her know that he made a mistake) and take him back. Or at least give him a chance to right his wrongs (though if you think about it, if he gets caught once, he’ll just make sure not to get caught a second time – in a day and age where even pastors are cheating on their wives it’s almost a foregone conclusion that once a cheater, always a cheater).
I know quite a few women who have been cheated on and they took their men back afterwards. Whether or not this was a good idea is totally up for debate, but they did. On the other hand, I don’t know a single dude who would stay with a woman who cheated on him.
Not one.
Myself included. And I have no idea why this is. What makes it even more strange is that even men that I KNOW have cheated on their girlfriends would be pissed to high Hell if they found out their woman cheated on them. There’s no second chances and no forgiveness. One and done.
Women, though never forgetting, just may give dude some time to re-prove his love. And many men (wish death upon me) will take that chance and attempt to get their sh*t together.
Or at least not get caught again.
Now perhaps women just don’t like finding a brand new man and having to go through the process of dating and getting to know somebody over and over again (which would explain the “boomerang cheeks” that are so popular amongst ex-lovers…why find new cheeks when the old cheeks will do just fine), especially with the alleged dearth of good men out there. So maybe, the idea of the devil you know versus the devil you don’t know is worth the risk. As a man, I know that there are other fish in the sea and I’ve never felt like I’d be alone for long unless I wanted to be. But I don’t know.
So good folks of the VSB-dom, would you consider taking somebody back after they’ve cheated on you? Why or why not? And for dudes, (assuming you’d kick her to the curb faster than Bill Clinton and a new intern) why is it such a finite deal breaker?
-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P
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{ 529 comments… read them below or add one }
HA HA I don’t usually post, but since ya’ll make such a big deal about it I’m 1st!!!!!
@Shauna, SMH!!
@Intellectual Hedonist, test
@Shauna,
Look what me and Kamakula have started. *sigh*
@Luvvie,
“Look what me and Kamakula have started”
Well, the gate’s open and the cows won’t come back. Oh the shame. lol
@Luvvie,
looks like we need to get back on top
*chuckle*
@Shauna,
A newbie is first… HA!
Welcome!!!
**Diva Dust ™**
Where the eff is the rest of the Welcome Committee?
**answers self… probably sleeping like you should be, dummy**
@blackberry molasses,
I was asleep, BBMo’. But I will add Shauna’s name (w/a side of glitter) to the VSB prayer book, over in the Cubicle.
Welcome, Shauna!
@Shauna,
welcome and sh*t
@The Champ,
Thank you! Your blog is one of my favs. I logged in last night to see if there was a new post, saw no replies and couldn’t resist.
@Shauna, even though I am saddened by the “first” stuff…welcome! *gold stars*
@SouthernGirl,
I dobn’t think I got a proper welcome.
Ise jealous. LOL
@ChiChi, woo woo woo….no need for green eyes…
welcome! *gold stars*
hmm….how did i miss you? if your first post was today and you’re down thread, i haven’t made it through all the comments yet. if not, i musta been on a deadline and actually working. lol. my apologies.
@SouthernGirl,
I actually posted on BeYaki the first time. LOL
@ChiChi,
Well, I am here to welcome you to VSB. I shall give you the tour. There are a couple of corners here at the land of the Smart dweller. We got the IG Corner, where all those foolish, ignant folks go to reside, the Prayer Cubicle, where Head Ushers PBG and Overit go to seance on folks’ lives, and then there is the SAT DOWN Corner (SDC), where folks are sent when they need to think bout their lives.
We hope you enjoy your stay And please, tip the tour guide. We running low on rice in the IG corner.
I’m tired of eating rice.
@8th Wonder, lmao!
@Luvvie,
Thanks for the tour, girl!
@ChiChi,
Welcome!!!
**Diva Dust ™**
(I can see Imma get a welcome workout today…. )
@blackberry molasses, (I can see Imma get a welcome workout today…. )
yes you are my friend, yes you are. i’s tired already…
and thanks for backing me up on friday. *gold stars*
@SouthernGirl,
I can hardly keep up around here. Luckily, I don’t do any real work or else I’d be asking if VSB were hiring.
@ChiChi, i don’t know if we ever were hiring…i think folks just showed up to work one day and we never told anybody to go home. lol.
there’s no paychecks though. definitely no paychecks.
@ChiChi,
Welcome ChiChi!
Hey, are you that ChiChi I know? The one that can sang??
@PBG,
The one and only!
*Hugs*
@ChiChi,
Hey there! I was just thinking about you the other day when I was lookin’ thru the pics from Myrtle Beach ’07. *memories* LOL!
No, no and hell no.
I just found out an ex cheated for over half the relationship and he’s trying to come back.
Kiss me ass.
@Jac,
Just curious…
How long was the relationship? There’s a big difference between 2 months and 2 decades.
@RedBeanzNRice,
There’s a big difference between 2 months and 2 decades.
expound and sh*t
@The Champ,
“expound and sh*t”
Well, cheating over half the time on a 2 month relationship is what…5, 6 weeks? It’s cheating nonetheless, but, at 2 months, it’s not really a relationship. It’s the period of getting to know one another. There’s nothing set in stone, no true emotional ties have been formed – unless ole girl is clingy and mentally unbalanced.
So, in that time frame, if said potential mate is getting some on the side while he’s wooing her, I don’t really consider that cheating. The case could be that ole girl has a 3 month rule, and he wants his wild oats sown.
Now in the case of 2 decades? If over half of the 2 decades have been spent cheating, emotional ties have been set in stone, heartstrings have been intertwined, trust has been built, and a life together has been established.
If cheating occurs during the latter, that’s grounds for a WWF Smackdown, swiftly followed by a stabbing straight to the jugular. (notice I didn’t say dangerously close)
@RedBeanzNRice,
That would be 2 years. I would really like to hope you wouldn’t think that I said he was cheating for over a year and that meant nothing because it meant a damned lot.
@Jac,
“I would really like to hope you wouldn’t think that I said he was cheating for over a year and that meant nothing because it meant a damned lot.”
Well initially, you didn’t say it was over a year, that’s why I asked. Even at 2 years, you’re emotionally invested in your relationship, so YEAH it means a lot. A hell of a lot, actually. I used to set my standard by: “If he hasn’t asked me to marry him after a year and a half of being together, it’s time to move on.” Coincidentally, I’ve been proposed to 7 times before accepting.
So yeah, please don’t think I’m knocking your time with ole boy – I’m not. It just wasn’t stated, that’s all.
I’m sorry that happened to you, but, it’s good that it happened when it did. You’re still young, so now you can learn from it; spot the signs, and try to make sure that never happens to you again.
@Jac,
Sorry to hear that Jac. And he was cheating for over a year?? Man, that would be hard to forgive. Did he tell you, or did you accidentally find out?
@Coco,
I knew when we were together, but I just couldn’t see walking away…I tried and tried.
Then…recently he admitted it. I wanted to kill him.
Thankfully I have not been cheated on (that I know of) in my past relationships and have had partners I trusted. But a few of my girlfriends have and I wince when they call me to tell me the story of “what dis nucca done did”
Me personally, I find cheating to be so disrespectful to me, my health and my future. Da monsta ain’t no joke! Black women in the us are contracting HIV like crazy, i ain’t tryin to be one of them!!
THAT is my primary reason for not accepting a cheater. After that it’s a damn shame that someone would take my trust and want me to turn into some psycho callin your phone every hr to see where you at and what you doin!!
@jana.love,
Exactly. HIV is too much for me and when I found out he was cheating I was like you put me at risk for a year…tsk tsk really pissed me off.
@jana.love,
“After that it’s a damn shame that someone would take my trust and want me to turn into some psycho callin your phone every hr to see where you at and what you doin!!”
That’s exactly what would happen, too. The trust has been broken and it would take a lotta “get back” to remove those doubts.
I think men that cheat should apologize for the heartbreak and be on about their merry way, unless they want a temporarily psycho girlfriend as a repercussion, lol.
@RedBeanzNRice, yeah i tend to agree. if you get caught, and she’s like, “let’s work it out”, don’t listen to her. “working it out” means her becoming your PO and relationship never getting a chance again b/c of the paranoia on both sides of the fence…
i think you better let it go, looks like another love TKO…
@Panama Jackson, I totally agree. If the chick forgives you, she is sooooooooooo going to check up on you and question your every move. Hell, its part of your punishment.
@Panama Jackson,
“i think you better let it go, looks like another love TKO”
*sighs* Teddy is my favorite musical “pannies getter off-er”. Well, him and Luther, lol.
Teddy’s dumb demanding.
Son, I was already walking over to turn the lights off. You ain’t gotta scream at me, simmer your ass down. Don’t make me put these clothes back on.
@8th Wonder,
this made me cackle lol…
@8th Wonder, perhaps if you didn’t walk so slow trynna be cute or on some sauntering sh*t, he wouldn’t have had to yell at you to “turn ‘em OFF!”
Teddy needs to learn how to appreciate the art of the tease.
Shyt.
@8th Wonder,
“Son, I was already walking over to turn the lights off. You ain’t gotta scream at me, simmer your ass down. Don’t make me put these clothes back on.”
*snickers* You know you like it.
@jana.love,
Zactly! Aids is no joke. The risk of infection, coupled with the fact that once a person abuses my trust then they are forever banished from heart, is the reason that I have never taking a cheating man back!
I forgave my ex after he cheated on me the first time (or rather the first time I found out about, though I probably should not have). After the 2nd time however I began to resent him to the point where my mind literally shut down my desire to physically be intimate with him (the mind is a trip).
it was only after a year of medical tests and psychiatric counseling, I thought I had lost my libido, that my psychiatrist and I came to the conclusion that I so immensly and deeply resented him that I physically had shut him out. Basically my mind did for me what my heart could not do. About a year later I was asking him to leave.
So to answer your questions would I take someone back after they cheated on me? at this point probably not. Lesson learned.
cheaters suck!
@Intellectual Hedonist,
I kinda felt you on this…even though I didn’t have concrete proof in my mind, heart and soul I felt it.
I could smell her scent on him…it used to make me sick to my stomach…I wanted to kill him.
@Jac, TRUTH!
I knew, in my heart I knew he was cheating. I could smell her scent on him, I could sense when he was trying to be secretive and making ish up. But I was turning a blind eye. It wasnt until I started meeting with the Psychiatrist that he and I started to communicate more effectively and one day I actually said to him outloud as he left the house, “don’t come back here with nothing you didn’t leave here with” He turned white as a sheet, and that is when he confirmed for me what I already knew. That was the begining of the end, within a few months he was moving out.
A woman always knows when her man is cheating on her, the hardest thing is admitting it to herself.
@Intellectual Hedonist,
Girl yes! She used to call him while we were in bed @ like 6am. I would be like “whose that?” and he would be like “oh noone”. GTFOH…And then smelling her I just knew it. I was like this is not my scent…and his excuse was that he didn’t know what to do with me anymore…I had outgrown him…So you treated me like trash? That’s not forgivable.
@Jac, OH H3LL NO!
there were never any early or late calls… cause I would pick his phone up. but there were the he got home from work and sat in the car for like 10 min on the phone “talkin to his boy”, or running to “his boy’s rescue” type mess. he was never blatant about it. It was only at the end where I no longer was willing to be in denial .
i reacall once his mom heard me tell him not to come home with nothing he’d left with and she was like “I can’t believe you said that to him. I reminded her that while we were on a break and he had been dating some other chick he ws cheating on her with me and “who am I to think he wouldn’t treat me the same way”. I think that is when she realized that her son and I were on the way out.
@Intellectual Hedonist,
See…he would do it and I would look and ask who it was. I thought it was pitiful. He also told me that one time we had a fight and he went to the club with her. I was SO mad. The problem is he would have died had he realized I had people taking me out to dinner. When I smelled her on him strong I realized he had just been with her and didn’t wash his d!ck…I was done.
And his grandmother and mother begged me to give him a chance, even though they felt like me listening to him yell @ me, yes yell, though he was cheating was too much. Looking back on it it makes me angry that they knew what he was doing and upheld it. Then after dating me he moved in with her and started paying bills.
I’ll stab myself in the heart before I take him back.
@Jac,
This is what baffles me about women (being a woman myself): His mother begged you to give him another chance – had this been happening to her daughter I doubt she would have given him that same advice. The nerve!
@Jac,
“When I smelled her on him strong I realized he had just been with her and didn’t wash his d!ck…I was done.”
That statement literally made my stomach turn. If you could smell someone else’s scent on ya man, why did you stick around? His ass woulda been good as stabbed – no joke.
@RedBeanzNRice,
Because I’m a woman and as a woman I know that you as a woman might not have left either. Why are some women running around here with this BS like you just leave instantly. Do you know how many women have a man who will put his hands on her? And she will stay with him and have a terrible man before she has no man…
Geez, stop thinking everybody is just cold and heartless ’cause I damned sure wasn’t going to walk out on the relationship I spent 2 years building.
@Jac,
“I know that you as a woman might not have left either.”
Jac, you know I luh ya like a play cousin, but I cannot abide by that statement. There’s no way in hell I could stay – including the “we have kids together” schtick. At that point, it becomes a matter of self esteem and self worth.
If he doesn’t respect her enough to stay faithful, why would she relinquish her self respect to stay with him? It’s a no-win situation. It’s even worse for the woman because a part of her has died by continuing on in said relationship.
In regards to a woman who’s had “hands put on”? Oh, I was that woman ONCE, and that’s all it took. (see: I’ll kill him dead before that EVER happens again – and I mean it)
For those that continue to stay in that type of “relationship”, they need to seek mental help whether they know it or not. It’s sad and heartbreaking that a woman would give up her worth in exchange for abuse.
@Intellectual Hedonist,
“Smell the scent” I would probably end up in jail if he even thought about coming home with another scent.
There are two types of cheaters: respectful cheaters and direspectful cheaters. If the cheater ciome home smelling like another chicks scent… that’s just disrespectful.
@Jac,
I have not personally had a man cheat on me, but just knowing myself as a woman, I can imagine how hard it would be in making a decision to forgive and keep him…OR forgive and just move him on. Either way I think forgiveness (even if internally and not verbally communicated to him) is important so that you don’t harbor negativity within yourself. Forgiveness will keep you from getting hard-hearted and bitter towards men therefore saving the next man (who will be AMAZING) who finds you.
Jac, I’m sure it difficult but I give you credit for sticking it out and wanting to make your relationship work. I agree, instantly leaving when you are wrapped up emotionally is not an easy thing to do. I’m watching my sister struggle with that herself…he’s married to a man, we suspect is cheating (and this wouldn’t be the first time) and she hasn’t left him or thrown him out. I don’t push her either way. This is her marriage and she’ll have to work it out…whether it be to stay or throw him out.
@Coco,
Exactly. I hope your sister works things out. And you’re right because after that relationship I’m all for having the right man in my life.
@Intellectual Hedonist,
yes! it is amazing how sexually repulsive a cheater can be. i thought i had forgiven my ex (after a few incidents). we could laugh together and have nice conversations. but the first time he tried to touch me i.freaked.out. he just disgusted me and i didn’t realize it until he was coming at me in the “grown folks” way. we were on vacation–that sure made for an awkward 6 day/5 night stay. lol.
@Intellectual Hedonist,
at this point probably not. Lesson learned.
hmmm. using “probably” kind of contradicts the “lesson learned” statement, don’t ya think?
@The Champ, the funny thing about being in a relationship is that there are variables and factors. I could sit here and say I would never ever do that. But that would be a lie, because I could get into a relationship with someone push out some children and then the fool decides to cheat, see the variables.
Kind of like saying I would never give the panties to The Champ and then having 10 shots of patron, and ending up on a furry kitchen rug. Never say never.
“Kind of like saying I would never give the panties to The Champ and then having 10 shots of patron, and ending up on a furry kitchen rug. Never say never.”
*dead*
@Intellectual Hedonist,
Kind of like saying I would never give the panties to The Champ and then having 10 shots of patron, and ending up on a furry kitchen rug. Never say never.
lol…this was funny and sh*t. good job
@The Champ, I aim to please
@Intellectual Hedonist, Wow, your sex drive went away. Now that is crazy. I can’t even imagine that happening to me. And, when I thought I was cheated on; during the resentment phase was some of the best sex because I was being so selfish in the bedroom.
First – while I was reading this post, the song “Baby I Deserve” by Tank kept playing in my mental. Ok, having said that, on to the response to the question…
Well, to be honest, it’s really hard to say. I’m emotionally invested in my man, so my heart is fully involved in the relationship. If I found out he cheated on me, I’d be devastated – and by devastated I mean I’d stab him dangerously close to the jugular with a butcher knife.
I can’t honestly say I’d take him back. I’d forgive him, cause that’s my nature; I forgive everyone who does me wrong. But taking him back would be another story. Why take him back and run the risk of him cheating again? That’s not even mentioning the trust issues that would accompany said reunion.
So, basically what I’m saying is he would be forgiven, but fed with a long-handled spoon for a very long time if he ever hoped to get back with me. Time, behavior and rebuilding of the lost trust would be the deciding factors.
But you know what else? I can’t speak on behalf of why men don’t want to take a woman back after she’s cheated, but I have an opinion about it.
I think that once a man has claimed a woman’s nether regions as his own (see: Him asking who’s p*ssy is this, during coitus) it becomes a sense of conquer and pride of said conquest. THAT’S HIS! And no one else is getting it.
So, if she cheats, it ruptures his pride, fosters nagging doubts of whether or not the other guy was better than him, and did she make uglier sex faces with ole boy that with him. It’s not really about emotions with men, it’s more about ego and pride. Just my opine.
@RedBeanzNRice,
I whole heartedly completely, utterly co sign this entire comment.
At that point it ain’t about love, its about pride. And the male ego is so d@mn fragile, the thought of another man was putting it on his woman, and possibly doing a better job at it would cause him to rupture his superior vena cava… or go utterly completely apesh*t.
@blackberry molasses,
“the thought of another man was putting it on his woman, and possibly doing a better job at it would cause him to rupture his superior vena cava… or go utterly completely apesh*t.”
lol@ rupture his superior vena cava – but ain’t that the truth?
I can’t think one man that I know – not even one that can continue on in the relationship once his “prized trophy” has been tarnished with even the slightest speck of dust.
That fragile male ego crap shoulda went out of style with the jheri curl.
@RedBeanzNRice,
I think that once a man has claimed a woman’s nether regions as his own (see: Him asking who’s p*ssy is this, during coitus) it becomes a sense of conquer and pride of said conquest. THAT’S HIS! And no one else is getting it.
So, if she cheats, it ruptures his pride, fosters nagging doubts of whether or not the other guy was better than him, and did she make uglier sex faces with ole boy that with him. It’s not really about emotions with men, it’s more about ego and pride. Just my opine.
this is actually a very valid point. also, quiet as its kept, theres a double standard in regards to cheating. man cheats on woman, man is branded as a dog and woman has a support system in place. woman cheats on man, woman is branded…but, at the same time, people think to themselves “damn…he must not have been taking care of business at home”.
double. standard.
@The Champ,
“…quiet as its kept, theres a double standard in regards to cheating. man cheats on woman, man is branded as a dog and woman has a support system in place. woman cheats on man, woman is branded…but, at the same time, people think to themselves “damn…he must not have been taking care of business at home”.”
Very true it’s a double standand, but not everyone thinks that way. My ex bestest friend was with her dude (I introduced them) for 12 years. Granted, I couldn’t stand him after the intro (long story, lol) but when we all moved to another city (same city) she cheated on him on the daily. I mean really, even with the apartment complex manager.
This man (gotta give him props even though I don’t like him) would get up at 5 am M-F, catch 2 buses and a lightrail train to get to work everyday to support her and their son – she never worked, and couldn’t even drive. He would always “want to” but she was never in the mood. (I wonder why) So in that case, it wasn’t something he wasn’t taking care of at home, it was just her being a lying, cheating azzhole.
I refuse to abide by double standards in relationships – there’s always three sides to every story, and it’s best to get the whole picture before making up one’s mind.
Bottom line: Double standards suck.
@RedBeanzNRice, it may be a pride thing, but i don’t know. for whatever reason, if a chick cheats on me, it just means she’s a liar. and as much as i hate wonderbras, it only makes sense that a liar would have no place near me. all that, “you’re the only man for me stuff…”
you betta leave…me alone…pack your bags…get the hell on…
then again, if i cheat on you i don’t want to be with you either so maybe thats what makes sense to me…
@RedBeanzNRice,
OMG, I so agree with you.
I think SOME woman forgive because they are willing to settle . Meaning they would rather have a man, even if he isn’t a good one.
I talk to my male friends all the time and they are constantly talking about why so and so isn’t the one. It could be something vain like she doesn’t look good enough or something with substance like she doesn’t want enough in life. One thing that is clear they KEEP looking.
Some women try to fix men or “Work with a brotha” which means they will put up with more Sh*t.
Men and women must realize that settling gets you no where!
@Health Diva, my question is are the women aware that these men are still looking? Because as delightful and charming as i am (toot toot)lol I know every man I encounter will not fall for said charm but I also know that not a one will voice oh honey bunny you’re great and all that but uhmmm I’m still lookin’.
@simplyunique,
Some women are aware. I have a friend who is enjoying be single and will tell you that up front. You should see the women trying to change his mind, as if it’s a challenge or something.
Some women are not told, but the writing is on the wall. We need to trust our instincts more.
Some women have no clue because you do have men who will put a lot of energy into something, even though they know that they don’t won’t to be serious. It’s as if they are holding on to you just in case there isn’t anything better out there.
OR
The women simply trick themselves into believing that they are cool with the situation…he calls, makes me moan, etc. but at the end of the day he is not your man so why are you acting like his woman?!!!
Thoughts?
This is like therapy. lol
@Health Diva,
“I have a friend who is enjoying be single and will tell you that up front. You should see the women trying to change his mind, as if it’s a challenge or something.”
I’ve seen this as well and I am always amazed at the women who act all shocked and hurt when he doesnt change his mind. wtf?!
I have had men come at me w/ the notion that of wanting to be in a relationship yet their actions tell an entirely different story. A girl friend told me she read a quote “A woman will fake an orgasm for a relationship and a man will fake a relationship for an orgasm”…So for me I tend to take a man for what he does as opposed to what he speaks.
@simplyunique,
WOW! I am so stealing that quote.
*sighs* I’m done. I can’t even edit in time – sippin, playing poker and typing at the same time has done me in – dag nabbit.
What I MEANT TO SAID was “Maybe I Deserve” by Tank, not “Baby I Deserve”. Ok, goodnight, lol.
@RedBeanzNRice, even mentioning the song “maybe i deserve” used to be a fool-proof way to piss me off back in the day.
@charli skipper,
“even mentioning the song “maybe i deserve” used to be a fool-proof way to piss me off back in the day.”
Why?
@RedBeanzNRice, because it just sounds like a triflin man’s anthem. my ex was known to say, “ok. i deserve that.” but if you listen to the lyrics, even though the man is supposed to be at the backend of karma, the woman isn’t exactly havin a picnic either. ish like, “baby i deserve for you to cry and cuss me out.” um…but as the woman in that scenario, that still sucks for me. can you deserve for me to win a million bucks, marry prince charming, and run you over in my aston martin? because that’s more along the lines of what i think you deserve. cheater.
@charli skipper,
“um…but as the woman in that scenario, that still sucks for me. can you deserve for me to win a million bucks, marry prince charming, and run you over in my aston martin?”
LMAO! Um, do I detect of a note of anger?
And now to seriously answer the question- To my knowledge I haven’t been in a situation where I’ve been cheated on by someone I loved dearly so I honestly don’t know how I would react, but I can understand how someone would choose to forgive rather than leave. At least for women who are emotionally attached, forgiving is much easier on the heart. Especially in the case of those who are married, leaving the relationship is akin to giving up your dreams and part of what you idealized as your future. Letting that go is a hard thing for a lot of people to accept.
@Shauna,
personally, would the circumstances behind the cheating make a difference?
But the question still is, “why take him back?” Some of you are making it seem like he had no choice. Like he borrowed your car and scratched it on accident. An “I’m sorry” might work in that situation, but not in the deliberate act of cheating. There might be a few extenuating circumstances when a guy might really mean “sorry,” but most often, he’s only sorry that you caught him.
Is it really because you don’t want to find “start over” with another guy?
As for me, even I ever find/found out I was cheated on, I’m not taking her back. Again, why take him back?
@Knockout Ned,
Is it really because you don’t want to find “start over” with another guy?
good question.
@The Champ,
that’s a great question Champ. Unfortunately, i believe this stems from a lack of self-respect, high self-esteem. Many women feel they will not be able to find anyone else, so they settle for what they can get, or they settle to keep the man they already with. For some reason, so many women subconsiously do not think they deserve to have the best in love and relationships. And I think this probably comes from witnessing family situations, as well as from society.
@Knockout Ned, I’m not one to take a guy back, but a lot of women think that all guys cheat, so that may explain why women are more likely to take a guy back than vice-versa. Also, women tend to be more forgiving.
if this post was a man, i’d marry it and have its babies.
i don’t think that cheating after a man cheats on you is the right, or most healthy, thing to do. but men have a lotta nerve being angry, offended, or even confused when women choose to go that route.
some men do feel guilty afterwards, though, and let that mess drive them crazy. my ex boyfriend cheated repeatedly. i met him when i was very young and–because i was going through an ignorant phase, apparently–convinced myself that our relationship was (or should be) open or something and took him back. repeatedly. after growing up and learning to appreciate myself (uh oh, Oprah moment!) and just getting a reality check, i ended the relationship for good. and have since had a few dating adventures and misadventures with other people. all that to say: i can see why it’s easy to take someone back after cheating. it’s not always love. some women just try to rationalize it and figure that they can better deal with what’s familiar, rather than rush off to something that could be worse. but, as a grown ass woman, i can never take back a cheater. that mess can drive you crazy with insecurity, and cheating is just not called for anyway.
but some men (ex included) WILL DEFINITELY stay with a woman who has cheated. once they realize the trump foolery that out’s there trollopin around–and the fact they are by no means the sh*t- some men will suck it up and do whatever they can to try to keep someone. that ish is still unhealthy, though. and not cute at all.
@charli skipper, ooh, that’s long. sorry yall. lol
@charli skipper,
but some men (ex included) WILL DEFINITELY stay with a woman who has cheated. once they realize the trump foolery that out’s there trollopin around–and the fact they are by no means the sh*t- some men will suck it up and do whatever they can to try to keep someone.
to this day, i have never known a guy who stayed with a chick who openly (where everyone knew about it) cheated on him. not one
@The Champ, i don’t either. in fact, the dude she’s referencing might be one of the very very small .000001 percent of men who will.
it just makes no sense to me.
you know part of it is this: very few women just END up in bad situations. its very often premeditated with women who are cheating (or at least this is my thinking)…so its like, she went thru the mental calculus on whether or not she should and decided, “it’s worth it”
most dudes don’t think that hard on anything and just go with the flow – not that this is a good excuse, but there’s a total 10 seconds b/w time of proposition and when dudes (dumbly) says “yes”…chicks will ponder and draw graphs and do spreadsheet analysis.
basically, a woman’s decision really is on some “f*ck this ninja” stuff.
@Panama Jackson,
“chicks will ponder and draw graphs and do spreadsheet analysis.
basically, a woman’s decision really is on some “f*ck this ninja” stuff.”
Ok, that “ponder and graph” comment had me literally laughing out loud cause it’s the true! Maybe not the graphing, but the calculatory devising is DEFINITELY the truth, lmao.
@The Champ,
Don’t bet your horses too fast sweetie.
It happens. Not proud of it, but it does happen.
@Ms. Sula, it happens all of the time, actually
@The Champ,
Men stay with women who cheat. They just don’t talk about it to their friends
@pgh muse,
Word.Life!
@pgh muse,
i’m not saying it hasnt happened…just that i’ve never actually seen it with my own eyes
@pgh muse, and i thank ya. they need to do a tyra about this phenomenon. lol
@pgh muse, see even that doesnt make much sense b/c you don’t know your gonna stay until after the fact…once you find out your woman is cheating on you, you tell somebody…it aint like you just clam up.
i think the men who do this talk about it, but just suck it up and stay with the heffa.
@The Champ,
I don’t know these men either-I do believe that these men exist though. They are in dire need of a few things…
A slap. (backhanded, preferably.)
A pair. (man-up, nancy-boy)
Some self-respect. (quick-fast)
I just cackled at “nancy-boy”.
I can’t.
I think the way people react to the situation of cheating is due to the nature of the gender. Males intuitively are more physical and women are more emotional. When men cheat, it’s more than likely due to physical reasons.
To quote Shawn Carter: “I was just f—in’ her, I was gone get right back…”
Women on the other hand are more likely to cheat for more emotional reasons (i.e. neglect, vulnerability, etc.).
It’s easy to forgive when you can’t PHYSICALLY help it – but when you knowingly cheat, regardless of the consequences, it’s that much harder to forgive. Also for men, it’s an ego thing to know that some other man/men has been satisfying your woman.
It’s a death knell to any relationship.
@Mr. Smart Guy, that is bullshyt.. you can physically help it.. I hate that dayum excuse..we are not animals mind over matter..its still your choice…
@Shay-d-lady, i’m with shay-d. that’s kinda bullshyt mr. smart guy. but kudos to you for seamlessly incorporating a jay-z lyric.
@Shay-d-lady, I agree with you. You do have a choice… my point was that if someone cheats physically, it doesn’t affect you as much as if someone cheats mentally…
@Mr. Smart Guy, “my point was that if someone cheats physically, it doesn’t affect you as much as if someone cheats mentally”
I concur! Emotional cheating is worse than physical.
@Leila,
does “emotional cheating” exist?
*just throwing it out there… please don’t revoke my YaYa membership*
@blackberry molasses, I believe that Emotional Cheating does exist and is more harmful than physical cheating.
In emotional cheating you are sharing more than physical intimacy.
@blackberry molasses,
does “emotional cheating” exist?
this was actually the first ever vsb entry.
http://www.verysmartbrothas.com/emotional-cheating-the-ultimate-oxymoron-2/
what exactly do you guys mean by emotional cheating? like nothing physical? to me that just means you caught him before he had s..e.x otherwise its a friendship and I dont have a problem with female friends as long as they were in existence before the relationship began ( you dont develop new friends within a relationship unless they are mutual) and no history of prior s.e.xual relationship….
cheater is a cheater is a cheater is a…cheater.
i don’t care if you are facebook-hookin’ or doin it in real life – if you disrespect the queendom physically or otherwise…you are done. finito! i’m choppin balls! lolol.
and i’d probably be hurt just the same either way!
i honestly don’t know if i would forgive. what does that even mean (from a non-religious standpoint) when it comes to cheating? i would sure as heck FORGET though.
@loveandnappyness,
if you disrespect the queendom physically or otherwise…you are done. finito! i’m choppin balls! lolol.
damn, lol. tell us how you really feel next time.
welcome and sh*t, btw
@loveandnappyness, lol@ choppin balls
welcome! *gold stars*
bbmo should be along shortly with more sparkly welcomes…
@loveandnappyness,
BBMo is here to welcome you with a generous helping of ** Diva Dust ™** and a big smile.
Luvvie will be along shortly to give you a tour of the place we Very Smart people waste valuable work hours.
@Mr. Smart Guy, see, i would argue that emotional cheating is the one that can’t be helped. you cannot help how you feel about someone. you can, however, keep yourself from slipping and landing all up on somebody’s penis and/or vajayjay.
@Mr. Smart Guy,
welcome and sh*t.
btw, this…
“Also for men, it’s an ego thing to know that some other man/men has been satisfying your woman.”
…is true
@The Champ,
Do you feel that most people that cheat have a proven track record of cheating?
I mean why does everyone think that they were better than the EX. My sister stole her husband from someone and expected him to be faithful to her. WTF?
I have given a man a 2nd chance and will never do it again. I don’t care if it’s 2 months or 20 years. I can’t get over you endangering my life.
I just don’t get why people play games with their mates. That crap takes to much energy!!!!
“My sister stole her husband from someone and expected him to be faithful to her. WTF?”
Honestly, I’ll never understand how someone can think it WON’T happen to them, especially in those circumstances…like, hello! Not only did you help him cheat on someone else, you also gave him the red light that cheating is okay.
Good job.
@Health Diva,
Do you feel that most people that cheat have a proven track record of cheating?
no. lol…you hafta start your cheating career somewhere, right?
@The Champ,
Yeah.. But I think the chances are high that they did it before.
@Mr. Smart Guy,
“It’s easy to forgive when you can’t PHYSICALLY help it – but when you knowingly cheat…”
Sorry Mr. Smart Guy, but that statement is an OXYMORON – like jumbo shrimp, lol.
There’s no way you can’t help it, and you always KNOWingly cheat.
Out of curiosity, what EXACTLY do you mean by “can’t physically help it”?
I mean, what…did he just slip on a banana peel and fall in the p*ssy while she was laying there spread eagle on the floor? Why were they naked?
Cause to my mind, there is NO such thing.
@Mr. Smart Guy,
As I continue to scan for handles I ain’t nevah seent befo..
Welcome!!!!
**Diva Dust ™**
Yes I am aware you are a dude. I don’t care. Enjoy the sparklyness
There’s going to be Resentment or even worse Contempt- Women forgive .. but there’s a lot that goes on in her mind.
Like you used to watch him sleep and think .. he was amazing. now if he’s sleeping you’re thinking “How could you”. and what else has he done that you don’t know about.
Men you think she has forgiven. but not necessarily. There’s just different degrees of tolerance.
Answering the question… nope .. its better to move on.
@Dat Chick, i’ve done that. you ever just watch somebody sleep and think, “i should just slap the f**k out of you right now”? no?? okay, maybe i need some therapy. lol
@charli skipper, Dat Chick, i’ve done that. you ever just watch somebody sleep and think, “i should just slap the f**k out of you right now”? no?? okay, maybe i need some therapy. lol
not just you ….LOL I been there and done that…see cheating ninjas turn me into a monster on some dr jeckyll mrs hyde shyt….best just to let they a$$ go and keep myself than to lose myself and hold on to some ninja that aint worth it…
@charli skipper, i should just slap the f**k out of you right now”?
Can’t say I ever thought that, but I did think, “I should pour boiling water on your D!(K right now” that is when I went to see the Psychiatrist.
@Intellectual Hedonist, I failed to mention that he was asleep next to me and I was heating water for tea and I thought “I should pour boiling water on your D!(K right now”
@Intellectual Hedonist, lol girl I am glad you got counseling..cause I bet the urge was so strong in you…..I mean the resentment, the embarrasment, the anger that you feel…..you are strong sista girl..I am glad you got out and most importantly sought help so at least you have a chance at having happy relationships now…
@Shay-d-lady, whats funny is that I wasnt embarrassed. I felt Anger, and resentment, but more than embarrassed I felt sorry for him. When we ended it he is the one that had to move out of my house, he is the one that had to run with his tail between his legs and explain to his family why I wouldnt be at family get togethers anymore. his family called me asking me to attend family reunions and other family functions.
But thank God I did get help, I know I am a much helthier person because of it.
@Intellectual Hedonist, You seem more on the carpet versus the nice couch kind woman!!!
@Intellectual Hedonist, You still need more counseling!!!
@Tallgent,
lol…i agree. she needs some time on my couch and sh*t
@The Champ, **raise eyebrow** “she needs some time on my couch and sh*t”
Does that line actually work for you?
@IH,
I’m just wondering when dudes started referring to their junk as “my couch”, lmao.
@8th Wonder,
LOL!!!!
maybe cause they think it makes for a better metaphor than junk.
you know it can be soft and overstuffed, comfortable, sleek and rigid. you can sit or lay on it, recline on it, h3ll even bounce on it.
LMAO
Dammit IH, lmao! You have a point. God bless a good couch.
@IH and E-twin
Y’all need to stop it before I seriously consider going home early.
@bbmo, OH! I suppose you need to go take a nap on your couch…. mmm hmmm I know!
@IH,
Uhm… my ‘couch’ is the reason my a$$ strolled into work at 11:30 today….
E-twin stay “reclining”.
hehe.
What my E-twin meant to say was:
Y’all need to stop it before I seriously consider going home early to go recline on my husband’s couch.
@charli skipper, I’ve done that… watched him sleep and threw his cellphone clean at his head and stood there daring him to lay an atom on me. When he didn’t move from the bed, I laughed at him and left his house. Lol. Bet he wish he had a go phone instead of that heavy arse palm 750.
@Ro,
“Bet he wish he had a go phone instead of that heavy arse palm 750″
lol. that is HORRIBLE. and also very lovely.
@Dat Chick,
Your so right. You look them in their face and all you do is hurt. You get to the point where you could just kill them
@Jac, why though? its just sex. If they cheated and had little to none emotional attachment to the other person, and they told you about it afterwards, would you still be as hurt?
@postmodern pwnage, i know this question is for jac, but if i may: “If they cheated and had little to none emotional attachment to the other person, and they told you about it afterwards, would you still be as hurt?”
I would be hurt that i spent my time with such a stupid prick that would cheat on my fly ass for somebody that he couldn’t even lie and say he was emotionally attached to, at least a little bit. hell. and then i would “still be as hurt” after i messed up the heel on my good pumps kickin his stupid ass.
@postmodern pwnage,
How would you react?
@postmodern pwnage,
I am going to laugh @ this for reasons I’m not ready to discuss lest RedBeanz jump down my throat.
But if it’s just this nut you need to bust and you explain yourself let’s just say I may or may not be cool with it
@postmodern pwnage, “why though? its just sex. If they cheated and had little to none emotional attachment to the other person, and they told you about it afterwards, would you still be as hurt?”
*head tilt* whaaaaa? seriously?!?!? i just can’t….
@Jac, It all becomes one “HOT Grits” moment. Lol..
@Dat Chick,
welcome and sh*t
@The Champ, Um thanx and sh*t :]
@Dat Chick, chile…..been there, thought that. and he wasn’t even cheating just majorly f^cking up in ever other possible way so i can’t even imagine what i would be thinking if he was cheating.
and…welcome! *gold stars*
**BBMo adds Diva Dust ™**
dag on Champ and PJ… y’all put up a banner ad somewhere or something? All these brand new VSB’s and VSS’s
@blackberry molasses,
we. major.
theend.
@The Champ,
u aight, maybe major-ish (i kid the champ)
I love my husband… before him I didn’t believe in marriage…I grew up surrounded by uncles that were pimps and if not pimps something real close to it.. my father is and always has been a musician and a rolling stone (wherever he laid his hat was his home) and he and my mom have been together since she was 14. I have plenty of stories surrounding women calling, vicious arguments, fights etc… Growing up I tended to date men that were a lot like my uncles and dad..you know life of the party, men that attracted women like flies and honey. That reinforced the issues I had with men. I had serious trust issues and did not want to get married because while I believed in commitment I resigned my self to the fact that men weren’t wired like that..until I met my husband. Now I say all of that to say this, that my husband is my closest friend and I trust him like I have trusted NO ONE else,…I know thats a lot of weight for him to carry but thats the truth…so if he cheated on me the devastation that could and would occur would not allow me to take him back he.ll I don’t know that it would allow me to allow him to still breathe)..it would turn me into someone I dont know. Our relationship synergy is built on trust….without it we wouldn’t and couldnt exist. Now dont get me wrong, while I trust him more than anything I dont believe that he never would cheat on me, I am not perfect and neither is he I don’t even know that I believe we will be together forever..forever is a long time I can accept that..…I can accept a lot of things but I don’t think I could forgive him cheating on me…
@Shay-d-lady,
I peeped that lyric Shay… good stuff
now, on to the rest of your post
@Shay-d-lady, One of my best friends doesn’t believe that we(read: humans) are capable of being monogomous in any sense of the word. She’s resigned to the fact that if she gets married…her husband will cheat on her…it’s inevitable and she’s fully prepared to take 1/2 of everything he owns and holds near and dear to his heart.
@Ro,
One of my best friends doesn’t believe that we(read: humans) are capable of being monogomous in any sense of the word. She’s resigned to the fact that if she gets married…her husband will cheat on her…it’s inevitable and she’s fully prepared to take 1/2 of everything he owns and holds near and dear to his heart.
two things:
1. tell your friend to come to vsb for rehab and sh*t
2. her name isn’t robin givens, is it?
@The Champ, nope, her name isn’t Robin Givens. And I told her to check out VSB cuz it’s my daily crack. I figure she’ll rear her head after visiting her daily crack (read: youtube) and done with her daily facebook stalking… and sh*t.
@Ro, hmm…so why even consider getting married? or date for that matter…why not just become a nun.
@Panama Jackson,
I am assuming because she believes marriage/relationship to be about more than sex… i.e. companionship, tax cuts… etc…
I’m just throwing it out there.
@Panama Jackson,
“so why even consider getting married? or date for that matter…why not just become a nun”
Because nuns can’t have sex.
@Panama Jackson, As assumed by Ms. Sula, she does believe in marriage, the companionship, tax cuts,
the illusionsense of security, etc. She just also believes that her husband cheating on her is inevitable.@Ro, that just seems like…setting yourself up to fail if after all that other stuff, once he cheats, you’re ready to end it all. if you assume its going to happen, but you willingly walk into it, i just dont understand why you’d do it to yourself…
how do you believe in marriage when you don’t even believe that the man is able to forsake all others as its written in standard wedding vows? if you dont believe men are able to abide by one of the major components of marriage, do you really believe in marriage?
perhaps i’m reading too much into this…
@Panama Jackson,
Again… that’s my best friends’ opinion… so i’ll ask her when I talk to her.
would you consider taking somebody back after they’ve cheated on you?
I’ve never been cheated on, but I say no. I say no because I know I would always wonder if they were really going to the gym or the store, if so who was at the store, does SHE work there? SHE, real or imagined, would ruin my life! I can’t deal with that. Life is too short, I refuse. I refuse! On top of that, I value myself and as much as I love this man, I would know (hopefully) that I deserve better…and I also feel that if you take a man back it would just solidify their cheating game.
@overit wishes a ninja WOULD!, loving the name
@overit wishes a ninja WOULD!, I wouldn’t take a man back either. Cheating is really an excuse to get out of a relationship and it’s a sign that we’re not meant to be together.
@Leila, I cosign on your comment completely. I, in all my deliciously flyness hold to the fact that if you wanna cheat, please go ahead… b/c I will not be here when you’re done. You mine as well stay with ol’ girl.
Because on the day I decided I can do better than you, I will promptly let you know and move on.
Which is why before the ex, every guy stuck around for 2 weeks, 3 max.
@overit wishes a ninja WOULD!, I co sign the name and the statement….i have been cheated on and even jumped on the he cheated on me so I mma cheat on him bandwagon..it had me completely mixed up and at the end I was the one left broken and confused. After that I went on “I can be just like a man” ho shyt binge…I wasnt any good and he.ll might be responsible for taking 1 or 2 good men and f!cking them up for women to come….and I know for a fact that men that cheat once and are forgiven without much repercussion will do it again. I mean why wouldnt they?
“What makes it even more strange is that even men that I KNOW have cheated on their girlfriends would be pissed to high Hell if they found out their woman cheated on them.”
I wish someone would explain this guy’s logic because it makes no sense to me. I was having a discussion with one of my friends at dinner tonight about how one of my boys cheated on his girl constantly through their relationship (over 8 years) and his girl always took him back. She cheated on him once and he ended it immediately and said that he could never be with her after that. He couldn’t believe that she would do that to him even though he did much worse.
@Leila,
“I wish someone would explain this guy’s logic because it makes no sense to me. ”
That’s coz men are full of sh!t – I hope that explanation will suffice!
@Leila,
I wish someone would explain this guy’s logic because it makes no sense to me.
***cutting and pasting what beanz and i wrote upthread***
“I think that once a man has claimed a woman’s nether regions as his own (see: Him asking who’s p*ssy is this, during coitus) it becomes a sense of conquer and pride of said conquest. THAT’S HIS! And no one else is getting it.
So, if she cheats, it ruptures his pride, fosters nagging doubts of whether or not the other guy was better than him, and did she make uglier sex faces with ole boy that with him. It’s not really about emotions with men, it’s more about ego and pride. Just my opine.
this is actually a very valid point. also, quiet as its kept, theres a double standard in regards to cheating. man cheats on woman, man is branded as a dog and woman has a support system in place. woman cheats on man, woman is branded…but, at the same time, people think to themselves “damn…he must not have been taking care of business at home”.
double. standard.”
Hey, Vsb-ers..
1)I believe that men,in particular,like to think they are the only ones who can be with (do)their girl,intimately.or emotionally.(which in a REAL relationship is legit). Its almost territorial. When they find out another man has had some cookies its done/ wrapped up/ no longer theirs exclusively.
2) Cheating ruins trust no matter who the culprit is. I refuse to be with a man that wants to be with me,but also wants to be with Angela, Pamela and Renee…..my sanity is worth much more.
@Kelly,
one mor before i hit the sack
Welcome!!
**Diva Dust ™**
@Kelly,
welcome and sh*t
@Kelly, you know we have a vsb’er named lisaangelapamelarenee, right? lol.
anywho…welcome! *gold stars*
I would, if they admitted it afterwards. I find the deception part alittle harder to swallow than the whole you slept with someone else bit. I never understood how people can let go of a connection so strong just because one half of the couple did a human thing and had sex with a person they find attractive.
What if you two are so perfect together, amazing communication, connection, love, etc, and one person did a perfectly healthy thing and had sex with another? Should that one of kind connection cease to exist because of one mistake?
Anyway I know my opinion wont be popular, but take it easy on me lol..
@postmodern pwnage, you’re a man. aren’t you?
@charli skipper, nope
@postmodern pwnage, oh, i just reread. you’re not i man, i guess…5 years ago (hell, probably even 2 years ago) i would have seen where you were coming from. i reasoned that i could take my ex back because he always admitted to it and seemed to apologize/make up for it. but then i realized that that gave him permission to treat me like gah-bage. and, while i told myself that i was fine, that wasn’t really the case. one day i just looked up and was like, “why am i crying?” lol. but seriously, no. i think you may be talking about a one-time incident, and i know i’ve used a case where it happened multiple times. but i think that’s how it starts.
@charli skipper, I can understand that, and betrayal is not an easy thing to forgive. However, I do not think sexual indiscretion is a betrayal, if the individual was forthcoming about their slip up. See, I am one of those silly people who doesnt believe in monogamous longevity. Ofcourse these relationships exist, but its usually because someone or both individuals are compromising alot of themselves, and one will usually end up dead or extremely miserable. I think its quite irrational to expect another human being to be with me forever and ever and not to once act on their sexual attraction to other people besides me. If they choose not to, all the better. If they do, will not be happy, but jesus, they didnt kill a puppy.
Giving a person one claims to love the option of a long and monogamous life, or get the hell out, is a fictitious and transparent, and will not last as statistics point out. I guess its all perspective, and social norms play a role in the war against cheating, adultery,etc. I guess if there is a point to my ramblings, its that not all people view ‘cheating’ with utter contempt.
I will stop now lol
@postmodern pwnage, I can understand that you dont agree in monogamous longevity but why does that mean you agree with cheating? why wouldn’t that mean you believe that every relationship comes to an end and so when you begin to feel the urge of attraction pull , and you are no longer willing to deny it, that it is then time to downgrade from relationship to friend. Why would you still hold on to the relationship? Why would you stay and remain faithful? You don’t think he owes you as much as you owe him?
@postmodern pwnage, you seem like you would be fun to hang out with in real life. but you would never be able to come near my man. lol
i’m just joking w/ ya….i don’t even have a man
@charli skipper, LOL I couldnt take candy from a baby, nevermind someones man lol…and thanks for the compliment, but I think you will change your mind once you met someone like me. I make napolean dynamite look cool, seriously .
@postmodern pwnage, I viscerally disagree with this.. what? what the f!ck is healthy about having s.e.x with A person outside of the relationship? S.e.x is a human need yes but why cant that need be met inside the relationship? if not what is the purpose of even being in a relationship… If the connection was so good why should I be more inclined to hold on to the connection than the cheater? It seems here that you beleive that by admitting it it is no longer a deception..or that saying Im sorry excuses the behavior…so are you into open relationships? cause it sounds like you would only be mad that he didnt tell you and if thats the case I understand but I beleve commitment to be both body and soul…yes you still find others attractive but you have decided that what we have is more important than a fleeting attraction and meeting of the flesh…if not then what exactly do we have?
@Shay-d-lady, i should be specific, and apologize for being ambiguous. I am indeed advocating an open relationship type of thing. Not that two people enter a social contract to invite everyone into their bed. But to recognize that people change, tastes change, and we are sexual beings, and there might be a time when one decides to act on a physical desire. I advocate understanding that, and being forthcoming about it.
I completely agree that deception is definitely a problem, and I am in no way advocating deception. However, if two people are connected on a deep and meaningful level, and have true love for eachother than transcends all normal relationships, there would be no need to be deceptive about mistakes.
Alot of marriages collapse because of deception. What if, for example, your husband of many years, who was your everything revealed that he had sex with some woman and was distraught about it. Would you end that meaningful relationship because of a human thing like sex? Do they cease to be the same person you once loved? Is love only loving a person when they adhere to our standards of perfection? Doesnt meaningful love call that you love the other even when they are most human and simple? I definitely understand where you are coming from shady, but I think there are far worse things a person who ive decided to share my life with can do, and sex with another person is just not one of them.
@postmodern pwnage, What if, for example, your husband of many years, who was your everything revealed that he had sex with some woman and was distraught about it. Would you end that meaningful relationship because of a human thing like sex? Do they cease to be the same person you once loved?
the answer to all of the above is YES….
@postmodern pwnage, also if you guys have an open relationship then s.e.x is obviously not the same thing than a person that has committed to a monogamous relationship with full understanding of what that means..in that situation it is the ultimate betrayal. And if you are in an open relationship and the guy has s.e.x with another person without heading the rules you set forth….isnt the deception the same wouldnt that make it worse? because you have given him the freedom to sleep with someone else and all he has to do is tell you and he is not even willing to do that? Wouldnt that make you think that the connection you thought you had was 1 sided?
@postmodern pwnage,
I have to agree with Shay-d’s sentiment above. Yes, he ceases to be the person I love because I don’t KNOW him anymore. He has kept something from me. His life partner, his ride or die bytch, the one he is supposed to go (besides God) for solace when he has nothing left to face the world. And he LIED to me. And kept it from me. I don’t know this person anymore and what’s more, I CAN’T trust him, or the depths of his love for me. I can’t love someone I don’t know or trust.
Also, I understand your doubt in expectation of human monogamy, but then how do you explain JEALOUSY and POSSESIVENESS? These are two things that are just as human and fluid as sexuality and are very powerful. So powerful they have caused otherwise rational people to commit crimes of passion. This flies in the face of the ideal of a sexually free human existence. We are jealous and possessive by our very nature.
I can suggest to my husband the idea of an open marriage, and he’s going to give me the serious side eye and probably a hearty “FU*K NO!!”
@postmodern pwnage,
What if, for example, your husband of many years, who was your everything revealed that he had sex with some woman and was distraught about it. Would you end that meaningful relationship because of a human thing like sex? ”
YES! For the relationship to be meaningful, both parties should be faithful. I think being attracted is a fact of life and that’s something that can’t be avoided. Also, the ability to walk away from temptation (or not putting yourself in such a situation in the first place), is what makes us humans!
@postmodern pwnage,
What if you two are so perfect together, amazing communication, connection, love, etc, and one person did a perfectly healthy thing and had sex with another
if you were so perfect they wouldnt have cheated
@postmodern pwnage,
I veer towards your opinion as well. Sh!t happens.
I have been the one needing forgiveness, because I did something very dumb and human. So I can’t dismiss the possibility of doing the same thing…
Relationships are about more than sex. To me the intention behind the act (aka the symptoms of what’s wrong) is more powerful and important than the act itself.
So would I take back a s/o that cheated? It’s on a case-to-case basis.
But I understand that it’s not a popular opinion. Just my own.
i’m a super duper-will cut ya if you think about cheatin type chick. its never happened to me (to my knowledge – but sheesh…these days) but i would like to pick at some brains for a minute…
so to cheater-taker-backers…hypothetically
what if… your SO does all he/she can possibly do to repair the damage he/she’s done by laying up with someone else. No deception, comes right out and tells you, trying hard to mend that trust etc…
but what if they contracted an STD?
would that change your mind? would it depend on the type?
i’m truly curious on how couples that might still be together deal with an issue like this
@loveandnappyness,
Exactly how would one repair the damage done by broken trust?? Me personally, I am an extremely loyal person – be it family, friends or boyfriend and there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for the ones that I hold dear. The flip side is that if someone betrays my trust, then they are out of my heart forever. Forever, ever? FOREVER EVER!!! That’s why I don’t think I could stay and if I do stay in that relationship then that person should worry!
I made it explicitly clear to my hubby early on that cheating was an absolute deal breaker. He knows the wages of his sin will be death. That’s it.
Its so much more than he just went and slept with someone else he found attractive. It does so much more damage than that.
1) It would make me question what it is about me that isn’t enough for him. If a man professes his love for you, he loves you in your entirety, flaws and all. Him cheating with someone, even if it was just a one time thing means there is SOMETHING that I am not doing to keep him satisified.
2) It lets me know there is a communications breakdown… and that its VERY BROKEN. This relates to point number one. If there is something I am doing or not doing that is driving a wedge between us, TELL ME so that we can work through it together as a couple.
3)It tells me you have no respect for me and my feelings. Men are no dummies (contrary to popular belief-HA!). They know that cheating on their woman is going to hurt her deeply. Why would you intenionally do that to someone you claim to love? And I’m sorry, but there is no such thing as “It just happened/it was an accident.” What… you tripped, fell and your erect pen*s landed inside her? NUCCA PLEASE! There are always opportunities before the act to stop and say to yourself “Let me exit this situation.”
4) It lets me know you have no regard for my physical well being. With all the STIs out there and the threat of HIV, are you really going to play Russian Roulette with MY health? Condoms have a success rate of (at best, when used PERFECTLY) 89%. And they far less effective against Genital Herpes or Chancroid. WTF man? At least have respect for my right to be a healthy person.
So absolutely, positively, without a doubt HAYLE NAW I ain’t taking a cheater back. Besides, how can you take back a dead man?
As far as my hazard as to why men get so p*ssed about their woman cheating? I addressed it upthread. I asked my husband. He said, “Yep, that about sums it up.”
It made me think of Eddie Murphy Raw and the whole Dexter St. Jaques thing…. *snicker*
@blackberry molasses, I co sign most of this post accept for this
one time thing means there is SOMETHING that I am not doing to keep him satisified.
I will never take responsibility for a cheater..the bottom line is that a cheater, male or female is selfish. it is very rarely about more than that. AT that moment you are putting your wants and needs above the the relationship. You are trying to get immediate gratification. Cheating NEVER improves a relationship, it never fixes the problems it only makes it worse it…and at that point you know this and dont care but I do understand your point and I have been there before but I know from past experience that questioning yourself and accepting blame will only make you weaker and more prone to return and PROVE that you can do better and its a viscious cycle……but everything else? complete co signage especially about the communication and lack of respect …
@Shay-d-lady,
I actually agree with you. That’s why I said it causes damage. The mental and emotional anguish and deep desire to try and explain why someone who is supposed to love you would hurt you like that. The questioning of self (i.e. was she prettier than me, did she do ____ better than I could, etc.) by the person who was cheated on will happen on some level, even if its for a split second, and its comepletely unreasonable/ unwarranted.
You are right, cheaters have no excuse in my opinion. None. I don’t care what your reasoning is dude, YOU HURT ME. I have always told dudes “Its better to leave me than to cheat on me.”
@blackberry molasses, I have always told dudes “Its better to leave me than to cheat on me.”
GIRL..YOU BETTA SAY THAT!!!!
@Shay-d-lady,
I gotta say tell em! A cheater’s only other option is death warmed over twice.
And trust me, it will be MISERY. I am quite creative when it comes to the deliverance of prolonged pain and suffering. A NUCCA SHOULD NOT TEST ME.
@blackberry molasses,
LOL! I am the exact same way!
@blackberry molasses,
I am quite creative when it comes to the deliverance of prolonged pain and suffering. A NUCCA SHOULD NOT TEST ME.
lol…ok kathy bates
@Shay-d-lady, bbmo,
yes ma’am! i have and will continue to say this. don’t cause me to think up new ways to f^ck up your life before i ask kang jesus to give me the strength not to kill you. just walk away homie, walk away…
@blackberry molasses, “Its better to leave me than to cheat on me.”
Weeeeeeeeelllllllllllllllllllll! (church!) I felt the need to chime in, even though my a*s has clearly been cheated on. lol
@blackberry molasses, “Its better to leave me than to cheat on me”
My sentiments exactly.
@blackberry molasses, LOL @ Besides, how can you take back a dead man?”
my lesson learned has been to tell my SO what the deal breaker is, and for me cheating physical and emotional is a deal breaker and will not be tolerated.
@blackberry molasses,
“Condoms have a success rate of (at best, when used PERFECTLY) 89%.”
This stat is scary @ me!!
@Luvvie,
the truth shall set you (and your sugar walls) free!
Corner.
@8th Wonder,
what’d I say?!?!?!?
**pouts and stomps off to the corner**
to do list:
1. turn in paper
2. grab buttered popcorn and be schooled on this topic by the vsbers.
great question vsb p!
@ladyb, umm…did you finish your paper??!?
@Panama Jackson, oooooooooo i was e-caught! i’m still working on it… was skimming these here responses and had to pour myself some brandy… “two things i hate: liars and thieves they make my skin boil…”
i should be done in a few hours, though. O:-)
be back soon!
@Panama Jackson – i’m back
@ladyb, welcome back. hope you get an A.
Here’s my comment and then I’m going to bed. In my situation with a son I love to death I would really think about taking the wifey back because I don’t want my son to be from a broken home. Now I saying I would consider it not do it.
To answer why men on average won’t take her back, I think the answer is simpler than you think… numbers. Their really is a black male shortage P, I was at a wedding a few months back and when it came to toss the garter there was one count them ONE single man to catch, dude was 20. So I think black men and women know this and act accordingly, subconsciously but accordingly. A few other reasons, men are more likely to cheat just for the sex while women usually have a deeper emotional connection with whom they bed. The whole “who’s the daddy thing” if the women does get preggars. And yes many men are more elementary about the situation (i.e. “yo pussae don’t feel tha’ same !” argument)
@JayBilal aka QCSports, “Their really is a black male shortage P, I was at a wedding a few months back and when it came to toss the garter there was one count them ONE single man to catch, dude was 20.”
i refute and rebuke this message. I think that when women buy this cookamamy male shortage theory we open the floodgates on a) explaining away bad behavoir b) play into women making desperate and wrong relationship choices.
In most metropolitan areas, the shortage simply is not the case. I would agree though that if you don’t know where to meet other single like minded black men, then generally yes, there are no dateble and single black men out here.
@Princess Duvet, It also depends on where you live. I live in Seattle and there’s a lot more black men than black women here.
@Leila, “It also depends on where you live. I live in Seattle and there’s a lot more black men than black women here”
for real for real…i actually didn’t see any black people at yall’s airport once LOL..just kidding i saw two…lol..really.
anywhoo..
I actually read this about Seattle and the surrounding areas…I wish alot of our black mainstream media outlets would talk about these places as it relates to the urban legend ratio. (but I’ve also heard that alot of these men don’t date black women -not sure if I believe that).
AK black men outnumber black women too. Ladies get up on that salmon boat and stop playin lol.
@Princess Duvet, lol! We exist in Seattle. I think I read somewhere that 8% of the population is black (it’s #17 or #18 in the country). I haven’t had any problems with the dating scene out here, but the guys are different than east coast guys. They’re a lot more laid-back and it takes some time to get used to. I just moved out here over the summer from New York…
@ Lelia,
Im really interested about these places. Just because they fly in the face of what “we believe”..i also know of people multi-taskin a whole freakin roster LOL…in DC (and other metro areas) of great datable black men.
its all about what you choose to see. And thats the bottom line.
thanks for confirming that.
@Leila, interesting…cuz i didn’t think there were ANY Black people in Seattle. lol. just kidding…
that’s interesting though…more Black men than Black women? how is that even possible? did all the Black men with a coffee and rain fetish move to Seattle to meet white and Asian women? does that explain the less than good ratio in some other places?? like Omaha? or Boise?
@Panama Jackson, Well i think its partly because the black population is small anyway..but I actually heard this from a black man as well who lived in Seattle/bellevue.
but there just isn;t starbucks and rain there. that place is one of the biggest tech hubs minus like San Jose area.
@Panama Jackson,
It’s just that Seattle has a lot of traditional male jobs (Engineering –> Boeing, Computer Science and Development –> Microsoft and all the other IT companies)…
I have lived in Seattle for 3 months. And I absolutely LOVED it!! (Then again I am the biggest grunge fan there is so it was normal).
@Ms. Sula, I love it out here too, especially the music scene:) The tech/engineering jobs brings a lot of guys out here.
@Leila,
And it didn’t hurt that I was living in Queen Anne, and that my office was on Elliott Ave right besides the pier and a skip from Pike Place.
I really have good memories of Seattle (watching Mt. Rainier from my office window was just one of them!!!)
*sigh*…. good times.
@Panama Jackson, lol!
@Leila,
Where in Seattle are you? Just curious. I just moved to TX this past summer but lived in Seattle for a while. I was in Kirkland…where blacks are pretty non-existent. I miss Seattle though. *sniff*
@Coco, I live on the east side.
@JayBilal aka QCSports,
Unfortunately, I think you’re right. A lot of guys talk smack about “average” chicks that think they “all dat and a bag of chips” – but really, I think the opposite is true.
You gone tell me that a lot of these men who live in highly populated urban areas (read:chocolate cities) don’t know that there is a “shortage” of black men? If ole girl can’t get with your program, she cheats, she burns your toast – there is another college educated, big-booty havin’, down sister to take her place. That’s why you can often see an obviously broke Lil’ Wayne lookalike (only uglier) stuttin’ around the club and acting like he’s God’s Gift…
Given that atmosphere, why would a man stay with a woman who cheats, even if she was “on get back?
@Lil’T, i agree with you here.
i also want to say that though in major urban areas there are plenty of Black men…it aint the men that most women want…when i go out in DC i see ALL the same dudes over and over again…i may see beaucoup new chicks i’ve never seen before. we talked about this but if you want college-educated, owns books, etc. type cat, the options ain’t but SO plentiful.
now if you want a cat with no ambition, the world is your oyster.
Damn my oyster-less existence.
@Panama Jackson, “when i go out in DC i see ALL the same dudes over and over again”
the question begs where are you going..sure you do see the same dudes over and over at say a club or a lounge..but its tons of what i perceive as quality dudes that I never see over an over at black film events or hell even a bookstore.
i think partly its about what you choose to see. If you already know (and thanks P for knowing for the rest of the ladies lol) what you;re gonna see..that is always going to be apart of your experience. ALWAYS. no exceptions.
@JayBilal aka QCSports
I will vouch for you in that there are not as many quality Black men as there are in say DC or Atlanta. These places are like the Black Mecca for quality Black people, so it’s easy for someone that lives in those areas to say there isn’t a shortage.
i think that giving forgiveness depends on the situation…
for instance: the post on reasons to cheat – if a dude was denying me my daily dose of vitamin d, and then has the nerve to get mad when i do cheat: well, you asked for it. don’t be mad ninja at popeyes who gave me the extra fries with my meal also supplied a couple of the other food groups.
that’s a bit extreme, but i do think that a lot of the time people, especially women, will stray when their relationship with their partner isn’t fulfilling all that they expect, and so they find that with someone else.
i’ve thankfully never been in a situation where i’ve been cheated on, but i think that if i was, my response would depend on a few factors:
a) how long have we been dating? – if it’s not been long (ie like six months) i’ll happily let his a$$ go, it’s not that serious. if, on the other hand, the ish is on the marriage-three-kids tip, i would be more willing to make it work with him because i’d have more invested in the relationship.
b) up until i found out about the cheating, did i feel as though everything was good? – if yes, then again, i’d be more willing to work it out. if the sh*t was going south to begin with and then he cheated, that’s just a get-out-of-jail-free card to single-and-sexxy-ville.
c) what degree was the cheating to? – was it a one night stand, or a double-life-got-a-wife-and-three-kids-in-tappahannock type deal? again, the degree to which the cheating was effed up would also determine whether i’d want to stay and make it work.
@puff,
but i do think that a lot of the time people, especially women, will stray when their relationship with their partner isn’t fulfilling all that they expect, and so they find that with someone else.
your comment is a reflection of the double standard i mentioned upthread.
@puff,
I co-sign this whole post. Reading everyone’s responses, I felt like I was somewhere in between the two schools of thought (open relationship type understanding vs. boiling water on his twigs and berries).
Thanks for reaching in my head and being able to express just what I was thinking…
@puff,
Your points are really well-thought out. And I believe I would go through that process as well.
Case-by-Case basis. I also like to add to your list another point.
c) What was going on at that time? Not excusing cheating, but trying to grasp the humanity of the moment.
Not sure why I am posting to recreation of Waiting to Exhale with chicks dreaming of stabbing brothers in their jugular. But anyway, it is pride (which CAN BE fragile, that is a whole other discussion) that wont let us take back. Its not about her making the ugly faces it’s the GP of it all.
No we don’t respect you if we cheated, but you cheating in return shows the relationship is dead anyway.
NOTE: I don’t step out!
@Tallgent,
dont the ugly faces have to do with pride, though?
@The Champ, it would not be for me, its the pride of ownership (joking ladies)!!!
@Tallgent,
naw, you ain’t. LMAO
@Tallgent,
“Not sure why I am posting to recreation of Waiting to Exhale with chicks dreaming of stabbing brothers in their jugular.”
I know you’re talking about me, cause I’m the only one that mentioned the JUGULAR.
So um..don’t get it twisted – I MEAN what I say, it’s not a dream/fantasy, Chauncy.
(see: I’ve stabbed an ex before in the gut repeatedly with a flat-head screwdriver)
At any rate: Welcome and sh*t. : )
@RedBeanzNRice,
(see: I’ve stabbed an ex before in the gut repeatedly with a flat-head screwdriver)
WoW.
@RedBeanzNRice,
“(see: I’ve stabbed an ex before in the gut repeatedly with a flat-head screwdriver)”
Just… damn
@RedBeanzNRice, you just turned me on!!!!
*whispers to Champ to seat Tallgent at the “crazy ass woman” table at the VSB picnic*
@8th Wonder,
Why b/c you want me to sit next to you?All you had to do was ask!!!
Sorry sweetheart, I’m already being seated at the “Snarky remarks 24/7 (All smart ass, all the time!)” table.
I only stab people with words. Though this may change any day now.
@Tallgent,
“you just turned me on!!!!”
lol, hush.
@RedBeanzNRice,
Psst… Tallgent ain’t new… he’s just been incognegro for a while
@blackberry molasses,
Oh, I see. Thanks and sh*t, BBMo. : )
@RedBeanzNRice, wow…and damn
@RedBeanzNRice,
*Sigh*
A woman who walks the walk and talks the talk is quite refreshing. LOL
@ChiChi,
“A woman who walks the walk and talks the talk is quite refreshing. LOL”
Why thank ya kindly, lol.
BUGGER!!!! i poured my heart out on a loooong post, and it’s just disappeared!!! let me try to recreate it…. *sigh*
the only time i ever got cheated on that i know of, i was 17, and i dumped his ass immediately – and he still denies it! foolish… i wonder how i’d deal today – though i’d probably walk – my relationships are full of trust, intimacy and honesty – and to feel that that was betrayed would kill me – i couldn’t cope. best to exit, i guess…
living in south africa, though, people will tell you you’re a fool to leave a man over cheating – coz apparently, they all do it. and unfortunately, it’s sort of true – i mean, obviously this is a gross generalisation, but your average black south african man will at some point in his sexually active life, have multiple partners… this is partly why our hiv/aids infection rate is so crazy – the whole sugar-daddy/multiple partner syndrome is a problem, to put it mildly.
a friend of mines 67 year old mum died of aids coz her hubby bought HIV home after messing all around town – and this kind of thing happens a lot, mind you…
a friend of mine was getting hit on by this recently married guy – and so she was like ‘no man, you’re married!’ and his response was a genuinely bemused ‘so?’ as though she’d said ‘oh no, but you’ve got brown shoes on!’ or something equally ludicrous.
obviously, traditional notions of partnerships are a factor – we come from a polygamous heritage, and it continues to exist, although mainly in a rural context in its ‘purest’ form – however, it’s been perverted/amended (depending on how you look at it) within the urban context to accommodate mistresses. i mean, our future president, Jacob Zuma, has 5 wives or so …he got married earlier this year, to a woman in her 30′s – and this man is in his 60′s, mind you…
although i can’t hang with polygamy myself, i prefer that over the whole ”mistress’ story – at least as a 2nd, 3rd or 4th wife – you still get your ‘status’ and recognition and due as a wife. whereas as a mistress, you’re a dirty little open secret…
and like many who’ve posted here, i grew up seeing hectic infidelity and divorce amongst my uncles and aunts – but my parents were a model of how a solid relationship should should, (and could) be. for all i know, there’s a bunch of ish they protected us from, but what i know is that 40 years later, they’re still happily married, and me or my siblings have never been confronted by a familiar looking stranger in the streets on some ‘hi, my name is malebogo, and i’m your sister…’ (this has happened to to many of my friends to count….horrid)
the long-term effects of infidelity are hectic, it’s not just a shag. simply not worth the damage you could cause…
@superwoman,
I can identify with so much in this post!
“a friend of mines 67 year old mum died of aids coz her hubby bought HIV home after messing all around town – and this kind of thing happens a lot, mind you…” – This is very sad and so prevalent. Also, I’ve encountered people who believe Aids would never happen to them (even though they are sleeping around) – and they act all devastated when they get sick!
“a friend of mine was getting hit on by this recently married guy – and so she was like ‘no man, you’re married!’ and his response was a genuinely bemused ’so?’ as though she’d said ‘oh no, but you’ve got brown shoes on!’ or something equally ludicrous.” – Gal, this happened to me too. When I pointed out the fact that he’s married, this man had the nerve to say:”Let’s not attach labels to each other – just look at me as a man” My chin actually hit the floor from the amazement!
@YGB,
When I pointed out the fact that he’s married, this man had the nerve to say:”Let’s not attach labels to each other – just look at me as a man” My chin actually hit the floor from the amazement!
IYO!!!! this guy is beyond slick, damnit!!! heeey, AMEN!
@superwoman,
you had me at “bugger”
@The Champ, heh heh, you’re so easy….
Panama’s question: “So good folks of the VSB-dom, would you consider taking somebody back after they’ve cheated on you? Why or why not? And for dudes… why is it such a finite deal breaker?”
The best answer may lie in evolution. Our bodies, complexions, hair, physique, adapted to the climates where our ancestors lived for hundreds of thousands of years and resources were so thin that sharing them was a matter of life and death.
Our minds adapted too, and thus, one credo was hardwired into the unconscious of every male brain:
Mama’s baby, Daddy’s maybe.
This is why men so rarely forgive women for cheating.
@Kit (Keep It Trill)
Mama’s baby, Daddy’s maybe.
This is true. A male friend used to say that women have to be careful when they cheat because they may end up preggo, not knowing who the father is.
@Kit (Keep It Trill), ive always thought that was a very poignant statement. lol.
ya just never know…
i know two dudes from high school who’s chicks got pregnant ONLY to find out later that the kids weren’t theirs.
now that is some f*cksh*t. that’s enough to make a brotha want to get violent. gonna let the man get excited about a child only to find out it aint even his???
zoinks.
@Panama Jackson,
“zoinks”
Ok, Brooks. LMAO!
@Kit (Keep It Trill),
Mama’s baby, Daddy’s maybe.
leave it to kit to simplify things so accurately and sh*t
@Kit (Keep It Trill),
That is so interesting that you mentionned that!
I had always been curious about this very interesting traditional inheritance law practiced by my people (Akan people). Basically, the heirs of a man are not his sons or daughters but rather his nephews (or nieces in some very few instances) born of his sisters.
I was curious as to why such a stupid and stupendous tradition was in place and my grandmother (the ever rebel) explained to me the origin of this twisted logic.
A nephew born of a man’s sister IS certainly and without a doubt related to his uncle. For the kids on the other hand, one might never be sure.
Can you believe this? And for centuries, kids and wives were being ousted and stripped of their rightful properties because men are that bloody insecure.
It just saddened and maddened me all at once.
Sorry for the anthropology lesson, just wanted to share.
@Ms. Sula, Wow, that’s an amazingly pragmatic strategy and tradition of passing along the wealth.
There’s a 100% certainty that the child of a man’s maternal sister is his nephew/niece, but in a setting without paternity tests (tribal areas or pre-1960s urban), he could never be 100% sure a kid was his own… unless he had his woman chained and locked up in a cage prior to a pregnancy.
I can also see why this would tick off the women, who would be offended by the lack of trust, as well as very vulnerable if they didn’t have a protective older son to take them in when ousted by a husband.
I wonder how common that was/is in other tribes? I’ll have to check that out. I liked your anthropology lesson, thanks!
@Kit (Keep It Trill),
I am not sure how common it was in other tribes. But the Akan people span a pretty sizeable region so it was generally widespread. That’s a bit the origin of the Queen Mother (mother of the king) being so powerful and being a very prominent figure in the culture… (as the saying goes, if you marry an Akan man, you’re marrying his mother and sisters… and to this day it IS the truth…. *smh*)
I can understand the basis of it all… but like you said, it made for a lot of resentment especially on a woman’s side. Imagine a woman with no brothers (or no good ones), her kids will never have a single thing to their names. And that’s a shame somewhat…
To me it is somewhat testimony to the ego and insecurity of men in general.
@Ms. Sula,
part of my family is Akan and everything you said is true.
Hayle, my man (who is African American) got the wake up of a LIFETIME during our engagement ceremony. I thought he was going to turn tail and run. *sigh*
@Ms. Sula,
That is very interesting.
@Kit (Keep It Trill),
“Mama’s baby, Daddy’s maybe.”
Wow. I ain’t heard that term in a minute – but ain’t it the truth? Thank goodness for DNA testing.
@RedBeanzNRice,
I think DNA testing should be damn near mandatory right after delivery. You just never know….
@Kit (Keep It Trill),
Mama’s baby, Daddy’s maybe.
My grandmother says the all the time and it never fails to make me giggle.
Back in my younger and I would say dumber years when it came to men, I took a man back after cheating–and you know what–he cheated again.
So after that one experience, if you cheat once—you are history–never to grace my steps again. I don’t care how much you beg, plead or bleed.
@Shelia,
lol at “bleed”
I wouldn’t take someone back for cheating on me because I’m a jealous, possesive, selfish, sommomobi***. I am so ride or die loyal and I expect the same.
I don’t think it’s ever that serious to do something behind someone’s back and compromise a relationship. If you feel the need to cheat, why not just break up?
Save yourself from Karma (or getting murked!)
@Nicki Sunshine,
If you feel the need to cheat, why not just break up?
i’ve always felt the same way
@The Champ, Thank you for my validation.
Jamie’s album actually comes out tomorrow… I have it already… not as good as the first album but it will do. I quite frankly think the album was rushed since no press hit on it until 6 weeks ago and the single didnt start impacting until like a month ago.
But to answer your question I feel every situation is different. I had taken a dude back that messed around on me. Then in another instance as soon as I found out I quit him. I think it all depends on how much you care for that person. Granted I didnt take first dude right back. I needed my space for a while to evaluate the situation and then I gave him a second change after months of him apologizing. And this is just on a BF level, I would probably go ballistic if my future husband ever cheated
@Eb, I listened to the CD over the weekend. I liked his first CD better, but on this one, he was trying to have more club songs or fast songs. I prefer his slow jams better.
@Eb, yeah, i have listened to it too. it’s alright. or at least the version i have is alright..
and i think you mean his 3rd album. y’all be forgetting Jamie Foxx had an album out in the mid 90s called Peep This!. dont be taking no albums away from him…
its like folks be forgetting Johnny Gills first album…
Or Mobb Deep!
@Panama Jackson,
Actually this is Jamie’s third album. His first album came out during the In Living Color years but didn’t do too well (It was called “Peep This).
@CPT Callamity, yeah, i made a typo…i meant to say 3rd album. i even mentioned Peep This in my comment…
@Panama Jackson,
Okay…no problem. A lot of folks think Jamie is brand new to the singing game. I’m also guilty of not reading thoroughly.
“So good folks of the VSB-dom, would you consider taking somebody back after they’ve cheated on you?”
I believe I was cheated on once. I have no solid proof. But I do think my intuition was my guide. I also have been involved in a relationship where I swear on everything that is Holy, I was not-that good ole intuition again.
Could I take a man back? well if I do like many women-and pretend its not happening-I have no poor behavior to excuse.
The habitual stuff involve ho-like men that I believe I am able prescreen in my dating activites. I actually can spot a ho-ish man very quickly, even the ones that try to hide the hotivity(lol). The men who are able to seperate se@x and love in a committed relationship..i can smell this on men.
The occassional or once in a lifetime stuff I would want to (and believe I have been) proactive about. The latter occurs where there are emotional and sex@ual disconnects.
so at this point in my life. I believe I could circumvent the bullshyt, making the song “just like me” irrelevant.
@Princess Duvet,
Could I take a man back?
lol…i still didnt catch your answer to this
@The Champ, I thought i rounded out and answered this question in my closing sentence (lol).
I really don’t think at this point in my life I would attract such a mate. I really do believe that in every relationship there are warning signs, that a good man (and I only want a good man) is on the verge of a “slip”. Its my job to figure it out and seek its repair.
@Princess Duvet,
i get it and sh*t. now. thanks
@Princess Duvet,
“I actually can spot a ho-ish man very quickly, even the ones that try to hide the hotivity”
Hotivity – I LOVE it!! lmao. That shall be the new phrase for ’09!
@RedBeanzNRice,
rice and peas…i got that from someone ??? it might have been here, so don’t work cite me.
@Princess Duvet,
Ok, I won’t quote you on it, but I’m gonna use it, lol. Thanks and sh*t, Madame Dust Ruffle. : )
“why find new cheeks when the old cheeks will do just fine), especially with the alleged dearth of good men out there”
I think this is the main point of everything you said in this article. I think women stick thru the bad times because of fear of being alone. Even if he cheats, she has someone to hold on to and thats not worth losing in her mind.
@J. McFly,
I feel this is quite true.
I have so many examples of friends and assocs. who went back to a cheating mofo (more girls then guys but there are some in there) And each time I thought they were fools for it.
With HIV/AIDS and all the other lil nasties that are in the world today, keeping the hardware to yourself is more important than ever (im hearing HPV isnt a bed of roses).
Ive been cheated on once and a child was produced, which was bad enough when the would be father came back “Keith Sweat” begging. But when it broke out that it wasnt his kid? He!! naw!! My ex thought he could get back another change with me for sure but all I could think of was the number of faceless parteners I would be getting with just from him. Not to mention the other emotional stuff that comes with that.
I just couldnt be happy with someone who cheated…if you stepped out on me once, keep on walking, brother.
“yeah, like really doe and charlie sheen, vsb.com is major and sh*t. don’t believe us? check out our interview at ”
Good job..def agree about the point concerning yall NOT coming off as male biotches and being disrespectful of women, that honestly deserves an award rhat there.
@Princess Duvet,
thanks and sh*t
@The Champ,
yeah… congrats on the article. the Haiku was cute… i’m jealous and firing my marketing team
but congrats all the same. Much more pub to come hopefully.
hmm… this really depends… like it was just sex, sure… sex outside a relationship is not a deal breaker for me…
now if he has a WHOLE nother relationship, nah, i’m good… that’s the deal breaker.
@ladebelle,
why sex outside a relationship not a deal-breaker for you?
@ladebelle,
No disrespect but i wonder why people say this? When is it ever just s*x?
@ladebelle,
i too am vexed and perplexed at this cavalier attitude towards s3x.
please expound and sh*t
I have successfully avoided being officially cheated on by having an intense fear of committment. I have dated/been with guys for up to two years and will refuse to allow them to call me their girl/chick/lady. Titles have always freaked me out. Sounds stupid but I never had to deal with being cheated on or an official break up, because I could always say ‘well shyt who cares we werent official together anyway’.
Sounds extremely effed up but this was how I coped with my fears of commitment and abandonment.
I have since grown, and to be perfectly honest I cant say I would immediately walk away from my man if he cheats. The circumstances and the climate of our relationship would definately play a part in my decision.
@Suga&Spice,
this was how I coped with my fears of commitment and abandonment.
where did these fears come from?
@The Champ,
I figured out about a year ago that this came from my really young years when my daddy was still getting high.(at the time I didn’t know that was what he was doing) I was/am a daddy’s girl and his word was/is the gospel for me. When he was still using he would say things like ‘sit right here babygirl. I will be right back.’ And I would sit on those steps for hours or until my grandmother made me come in the house and when she did, I would sit in the window for hours and watch every car/person that went up and down that street just knowing it was him. Crazy thing was whenever he would come back hours later. I was never mad or upset or even asked the heck took him so long I was just relieved he actually came back to me. It was like my heart would exhale every time.
I realize it may have indoctrined the fears of commitment and abandonedment (which I am making a conscience effort to work though) but it also helped me to learn how to love good people even when they make bad decisions.
@Suga&Spice,
your story just broke my heart. daddy’s are the first man in a woman’s life, the standard (good or bad) by which she will measure and deal with every other man she encounters in life. it hurts me when some men are so cavalier about the importance of being a good dad, especially to their little girls.
@blackberry molasses,
Dont be sad cause even after all of that he is still my right hand man and the first one I look to to give it to me straight. And despite that series of bad decisions I want my husband to be JUST like him. Not the NA/AA part but someone who can acknowledge a screw up, be willing to make amends and move forward, without dwelling the situation. Someone who despite everything still values family above all (to this day he says he really realized he had a problem the day my 10 yr old butt told him I didnt want to see him until he got his shyt together).
He is my daddy and my hero. His life story is kind of remarkable, from having his mother walk out on him @ 9 while she was in the middle of fixing dinner and avoiding him for the next 50yrs to being a NA sponosor for other muliple addicts.
I just love how he has lived through all of this stuff and STILL cannot find a way say a negative thing about someone. EVER. How he lived his life and can still come out with a silver lining for every situation blows my mind.
Sorry about the tangent, VSBers.
@Suga&Spice,
dont worry about it. i’m glad you think enough of our site to share something like that.
vsb.com: where tear-inducing comments happen.
damn.
Yeah, this was a rather inspired post.
I got soft for like 5 minutes after I read it.
Don’t worry, its over now. Viva la Thug.
@8th,
you know i e-lubs you, but i’mma need you to produce at least 44 mo peoples for your claim of thuggishness, e-twin.
Ya know, for some reason, I just feel like this needs to be said.
Women cheat a LOT more than they admit to and a LOT more than men believe they do. Women just tend to do it in a more sneakier (read: scandalous) way and some dudes are too naïve to believe that it could happen to them.
With that said, I have an ex who admitted to cheating on me after the relationship had ended. ***Sidenote: This is one that I KNOW of.*** Now what made her confess?? I don’t know…maybe a guilty conscious. Would I have stayed in the relationship if I had known? Nope. My heart would’ve said ‘yes’ but my mind wouldn’t allow me to.
With that said, some women may be prone to forgive their men (moreso than men) for cheating because they know that the have done some dirt themselves OR they feel like that gives them a pass to do some shyt in the future.
@Monk,
Women cheat a LOT more than they admit to and a LOT more than men believe they do. Women just tend to do it in a more sneakier (read: scandalous) way and some dudes are too naïve to believe that it could happen to them.
Pretty much.
@Monk,
“Women cheat a LOT more than they admit to and a LOT more than men believe they do. ”
It’s just too bad that statement is true. I’ve known a few women like that – not cool, not cool at all.
I’m from the school of once a cheater, always a cheater (hopefully a smarter cheater but a cheater nonetheless) so NO! If I find out he’s cheatin…if I get a naggin feelin he’s cheatin…I’m done. I failed forgiveness in kindergarten now I’m too old to retake it
@Imperfect, “I failed forgiveness in kindergarten now I’m too old to retake it”
LOL!!! I barely squeaked by sharing, and by barely I mean I made it by 1pt.
@Imperfect,
welcome and sh*t
@Imperfect, first, lol@I failed forgiveness in kindergarten now I’m too old to retake it
second, welcome! *gold stars*
@Imperfect
I passed forgiveness by rounding up to the next whole percentage point.
Welcome!
**sprinkles Diva Dust ™**
I wouldn’t take a woman back that I was talking to if she cheated on me, but that is probably more so because I talk to women who attach emotional feelings to physical dealings. If she were to cheat, it wouldn’t be as if she did it just to ‘get hers’, whereas many men may cheat just to get off.
@J.R. Bernard, Good point
@J.R. Bernard,
whereas many men may cheat just to get off.
Why not get off with the woman you are already with?
@pgh muse, it could be for any number of reasons. some men need sex like fish need water. when taken out of the fish tank for long enough, they die.
i know personally i’d never wife up a female that is/was so nonchalant about sex as a most males are. yes, i realize its a double standard, but at the same time, that doesn’t mean i wanna be with a floozy either.
@J.R. Bernard,
this sounds like (because of a silly social construction) that you’re giving yourself permission to cheat because you won’t wife a woman that satisfies you physically… so you will look outside of your union for satisfaction instead of unite with someone who does. That sounds like a recipie for a bad relationship to me… no disrespect.
The Champ and Panama, congrats on your interview! Truth be told we all knew you were major BEFORE that exchange, but still it’s exciting that you’re being recognized. Keep up the great work!
p.s. Champ stay outta my head and sh*t – I was reading someone’s comment on Friday and I thought “That’s a haiku”, lol.
@RedBeanzNRice,
thanks and sh*t, ms beanz
@The Champ,
You’re welcome and sh*t.
Well, I think most of the songs dont speak to cheating directly. Especially in the Ghostface joint, he speaking about who she cheated with. I think everyone on this site would differentiate between cheating with some random bol or jawn and cheating with your sister, gf, homeboy or even worst, your worst enemy. And then after analyzing the lyrics of the Jamie Foxx joint, the dudes arent really madd that their respective jawns are cheating. They just seem suprised. I say all this to say that your examples were a tad faulty. However, this doesnt take away from the point of the entry, which is that women tend to forgive men more than men forgive women for cheating. This is due to the double standards that exist between men and women. Most of the time when men cheat, ppl chalk it up to “a man being a man” and not something else. When a women cheats, she’s seen as a jezebel. All comes back to the numbers and shiznic.
Sorry for posting twice, moderation got me
@I take my check in all Peysos please!, though i took some liberty with the song choices, i don’t know if on the Jamie Foxx song they’re so surprised…T.I.’s verse is more what I’m speaking of anyway since he seems genuinely on some, “you’re f*cked up…you wouldn’t even mess with dude if i didn’t mess with her, so why would you do that??” that’s what he’s getting at.
you’re right about the Ghostface song, but it still gets to a larger point…dudes be taking cheating personal when we mess up and the girls get on some getback…like, Ghost is ready to dead ole girl b/c of that…which leads to the point, he’s done with her…lol
@Panama Jackson, I regards to the Ghostface song. I think it speaks to the whole Shakespearian “woman scorned” piece. I mean what better way to get back at a man than to Eff his best friend or his worst enemy.
I would really like to hear from some of the fellas on this topic…
@Treez,
pay attention and sh*t. we’re everywhere
I wouldn’t take a woman back who cheated cuz I’m a territorial ass dude. Simple as that. You let another dude sample your dudes while we’re together or on that 1 month break, and I’m done with you. I don’t even do breaks for that matter. I’d argue that there’s a certain level of submissiveness involved in creeping…regardless of the worldviews. A dude has to attempt to stick his piece in another chick. The chick has to LET the dude put his thang in there. It’s subtle and peeps are gonna argue that’s BS, but it’s true.
@Slim Jackson, So according to this statement ‘I’d argue that there’s a certain level of submissiveness involved in creeping…regardless of the worldviews.’, would it be fair to say for you the act itself is an experience in domination?
Just curious…
@Suga&Spice, No. I’m definitely not the “bow down and take this D” type of dude. Maybe submissive wasn’t the best word. Perhaps its more an issue of pitcher vs. catcher? idk. It made sense in my head.
@Slim Jackson, “I’m definitely not the “bow down and take this D” type of dude.”
damn and I was so looking forward to that… I kid! LOL!
@Slim Jackson, A break is such a grey area and I’m not sure if it qualifies as cheating. This is why I don’t believe in breaks. Either we’re together or not.
I am a man and if a woman ever cheated on me, nope get the f*ck out of my face. No taking back, no nothing. My mom was treated bad by my biological father but my step father is a good guy so I can never see myself cheating. I am more of a cut them loose today, smash a new broad tomorrow kind of guy if it gets down to the point that I feel I want to cheat.
As for women. I guess they grow up thinking they aren’t worth much or that this is normal for men. I blame daddy’s and society for this one. I have many highly educated black female friends that go looking for daddy when they go out into the dating pool bypassing 30 good men to get at Rosco and Dem. Oh well, whatever.
@James Nantucket,
welcome and sh*t (i think)
@James Nantucket,
welcome! *gold stars*
@SouthernGirl,
Retract the gold stars, he was here on Friday.
Just teasing, Monday’s stars are just as good as Friday’s forgone stars. ; )
@RedBeanzNRice, lol. well technically, i was out on friday and passed the gold stars to bbmo so…ask that one *mccain point* so yes, today’s stars still count.
@SouthernGirl,
LMAO
oh no u DIDN’T with the McCain point…
and if said gentleman was here on Friday, it must have been after quittin time, because I was on my game on Friday.
In any case he also gets a helping of **Diva Dust ™**
I cain’t be generous anymore… I’m running out and we are having supply chain issues at the plant.
@blackberry molasses, lol. i knew there was an explanation to be had…i gave you gold stars up thread for friday, ya know. i would never doubt my sparkly sista.
today has to be a record for newbies. i’m down to passing out one star each…
Women take men back because on some level, women expect men to cheat because men have excellent PR people who have tricked women into thinking a cheating man is par for the course (Xquizzit1, circa 2006). Holy run-on sentence Batman!
The reason a man will publicly attach himself to a woman by making the relationship official is because he believes she’s better than most other women. He believes he has a prize. It’s disappointing for his prize to prove herself to be just like those extra-regular chicks he bones at his leisure.
I’ve taken someone back after cheating. Surprisingly, he didn’t do it again (get caught). But I think it’s because we weren’t together long enough the second time for him to get caught.
@Hostess,
Well said. I remember being told from an early age that cheating is just what men do. As long as he provides for you should be happy. What a self esteem booster (not).
Once a woman finds out what she wants, deserves, and needs then she will limit the amount of bull sh*t she takes.
As for women passing up good brothers for Roscoe and them it will continue to happen until we educate our girls at a young age on how they should be treated.
I passed up a few and now guess what’s on the top of my Christmas list?!!?
@Health Diva, But we also teach our sons that too. We teach our boys that their worth is tightly bound to the number of women they have.
I also think for some women, it’s a self fulfilling prophecy. They believe all men cheat. Therefore, they attract cheating men and display behaviors that tell men it’s ok to cheat.
For me, cheating requires way too much work. All that lying and stuff. If I wanted to do that, I’d work for one of the alphabet agencies.
@Hostess,
You are so right. So since we know that each person has to learn how to treat their spouses/mates, why should we be their experiment.
I know love will make you do some crazy things but shouldn’t one’s love for his/her self make you kick the cheater to the curve?
@Health Diva,
welcome and sh*t
@The Champ, jeez….did ya’ll put up a billboard today or something?
@Health Diva, welcome! *gold stars*
*exits counting my gold star supply and it ain’t even lunch yet*
@SouthernGirl, LOL!
you running out of gold stars and ish is killing me.
@Intellectual Hedonist, lol. well tell these ninjas not to all be coming out at once!
@Intellectual Hedonist,
Ain’t it the truth?? The VSB’s get featured in one article (which was fabulous) and the Welcome Committee has to work over-time on Monday.
I think I’m going to wait til all the new folks check in today and then send Jesus the email for their blessings. All these individual ones will have me working in the Prayer Cubicle all night.
@Health Diva
Welcome!!!!
** Diva Dust ™**
@SG,
I’m sayin girl! Dang! I’m trying to keep up with the convo and keep up with my welcome duties… never mind doing the job I actually get PAID to do
@The Champ,
Thanks for the welcome. I actually found the site through Clutch Magazine so shouts out to them!
@Hostess,
men have excellent PR people who have tricked women into thinking a cheating man is par for the course
lol…wouldnt this be terrible pr?
@The Champ, No. It’s great PR. If you get your PR people to convince everyone you can’t help but cheat, it’s like getting a license to cheat. They’ve convinced the world that you may not want to cheat but you have no control over yourselves. Therefore, when you cheat, it should be swept quietly under the rug cus you, (not you per se) poor man, cant help yourself.
@Hostess,
If you get your PR people to convince everyone you can’t help but cheat, it’s like getting a license to cheat
thing is, those who don’t cheat have to deal with those “every man cheats” attitudes as well. it aint fun and sh*t
@The Champ, Naw. Those non-cheaters are less likely to be attracted to the ‘every man cheats’ women.
@The Champ,
Will somone please tell me where to find those “non-Cheaters”.
Or am I Sh*t out of luck because I am in South Carolina?! lol
@Health Diva,
“Will somone please tell me where to find those “non-Cheaters”.”
At your local ASPCA. The only males that ABSOLUTELY won’t cheat are felines and canines. : )
@RedBeanzNRice,
LMAO but we have to stay hopeful.
Take a man back after he cheats? Nope. Never. It’s a wrap. No second chances.
I believe men feel it’s OK to cheat because 1) they can’t control themselves, and 2) there was no love involved concerning the woman they cheated with. They get angry and refuse to forgive a woman who cheats because women have more self control than men and when they cheat it’s either out of spite or they actually love the man their cheating with. It’s a stupid double standard but that’s just the way things are.
As far Tony Starks…I wonder if he was dogged by a lot of different women or if one woman had a major impact on him, because he’s good for whining in songs. Like that “I’ll Never be the Same Again” one with Carl Thomas, or the remix to “You Know I’m No Good” by Amy Whinehouse.
@Voiceofreason,
lol…don’t forget about “wildflower” as well, which was about the most virulent “i got you back, b*tch” song of all-time.
btw, did you go to the event friday?
@The Champ,
LOL! Yeah, Pretty Tony has issues!
And yes I went to the event on Friday. I showed up late but I had a lot of fun. Did you go? I was looking for a brother in a vsb t-shirt but I had no luck.
@Voiceofreason,
yeah, i was there from like 11 to 2. i was wearing all-black, to show everyone how cool i am. no vsb shirt though
No Johnny Cash-o.
@The Champ,
I was there from about 12:30 to 2. I’m sure I saw you and just didn’t realize who you were. It was pretty crowded in there. Is it always like that?
@Voiceofreason,
no, not unless there’s an event going on. but yea, i was there, as well as gem of the ocean, ivy st, and i was introduced to kamakula and sh*t.
@Voiceofreason,
When I arrived, there were all these dudes in suits and I was like. . . perhaps I should have read the invite lol.
@Voiceofreason,
I have never been cheated on that I am aware of. I make it very plain that I can forgive some real live bull if it was not done of malice but just plain stupidity. But cheating doesn’t fall under stupidity in my book. It’s malice to the 10th power. Becasue I make it known that I will never forgive it and because I am a good catch (so they say), I have yet to be cheated on (knowingly). I would never ever under any circumstance forgive it. Period. End of story. I would rather be alone than to be disrespected.
First off… Congratulations and Sh*t on your CLUTCH interview. Had it not been for boring days in the office and my desperate attempts to stay awake, I never would have found VSB.
Secondly…. Any VSBers in the Raleigh/Durham Area? Other than breakfast at Panera Bread and the ceaseless arguments between the Duke, UNC and STATE fans… I find this city to be quickly climbing the list of “Cities I’d rather die in before calling them home again” list.
Third… My response:
I can not think of a time I’ve been cheated on, this doesn’t mean it never happened, I just can’t think of it. “How can this be?” You ask…well,
1. I haven’t been dating long (read: approx. 8 years).
2. I have only dated 3 people longer than 2 weeks.
2a. one guy I dated 1 longer than a year
2b. one guy I dated for all of 4 weeks
2c. one guy I dated for 8 weeks
Of all the dudes I’ve dated, been interested in, like, crushed on, etc… I, like many of my VSS have ebraced the motto of “It’s better to leave me than to cheat on me”.
Unlike my best friend (in an aforementioned comment), I believe in monogomy. I believe that a person can be in a relationship with another person til the end. I do not believe in happily ever after… but I believe that a man can love one woman and be happy with that one woman for life.
My examples of men in the world run the gammit from an old man who thinks”I’m still a pimp” to old “just coming out the closet preachers” to the knight in shining armour.
My thing is, people don’t want to work. They think maintaining a happy, healthy relationship should come easy and it doesn’t. It’s work. It’s tedious, sometimes monotonous work and cheating on your partner is your way of saying “yeah, I quit.” Because you have to want out if you selfishly decided to betray that trust, endanger their health, lie, and disresepct that person in such a blatant manner. Then to top it off… You think you have the right to be mad if she decides to do the same to you! Boy grow the hell up and get outta here with all that fragginackle Bull! If you man/woman enough to cheat then you man/woman enough to take the consequences. I have no pity for you.
@Ro, Any VSBers in the Raleigh/Durham Area?
I’m here, Ro. I live in Raleigh.
@N.I.A. isonebadmutha…., REALLY! That just lit up my morning!
“My thing is, people don’t want to work. They think maintaining a happy, healthy relationship should come easy and it doesn’t. It’s work”
In my opinion, this is also why a great deal of marriages fail. people need to get it together.
@8th Wonder, I agree. People want to be in a relationship and want to be married, but they do not want to work for it. So as soon as things are not as rosy and perfect as they were on the wedding day, people are ready to call it quits and find someone else.
My thing is, I think people know if they are ready to be in a relationship and if they are ready to deal with and work through the good and the bad. You know this b4 you get in the relationship. So instead of going forward with a relationship, and cheating, just be mature enough to recognize you are not ready. That way, you don’t waste your SO’s time, and you don’t waste your time.
@N.I.A. isonebadmutha….,
I’ve always said that if the government passed a law saying that outside of extreme circumstances (abuse, or something like that), divorce would be illegal…a TON of people wouldn’t be married right now. People should stop going into marriages thinking that divorce is an option…because if you’re even thinking that…you don’t need to be getting married in the first damn place.
@8th Wonder,
Like “Irreconcilable Differences”…. I remember my mother saying “that’s a shame… people getting divorced over a fight… then why get married. Disagreeing is human nature, not an excuse to waste my tax dollars.”
@Ro,
thanks and sh*t
@Ro, Right. People don’t want to work. It’s the American way. It’s why so many people are playing around on VSB.com when they should be working. Lazy is the new hardworking.
@Hostess,
LOL…
hold up! I don’t play on VSB.com when there’s actual work to be done! I play on VSB.com when there’s a need for me to look busy like I’m working when there’s NO work to be done or, I’m trying to stretch 30 mins of work into 2 hours of work…lol!
It beats going to sleep and being sent home!
@Ro, YOU and I might not play on VSB to avoid work but I know SOME folks do.
@Ro, you’re right.
ALL relationships are work. i say this often. i live it. i believe it. and i cut out/limit my interactions with folks who do not believe the same.
I’ve taken back a cheater………..
I know most people don’t like to hear people say this, but to be honest, I believe that in at least 90% of marriages, someone cheats. Now I don’t mean situations where people have been married a few years, but in long relationships (10-15+ years).
I have yet to see a marriage in which no one has cheated. This is with grandparents, friends’ parents, my parents……..none. With every long term marriage that I have witnessed (20+ years), someone has stepped out in the marriage, yet they have stayed together.
People change over the years, so I will not be the same person that I was when we got married, nor will my husband be the same person. Im not saying that I don’t believe in monogamy, but at the same time (my) statistics tell me something different……..
@V Renee,
“I have yet to see a marriage in which no one has cheated. This is with grandparents, friends’ parents, my parents……..none. With every long term marriage that I have witnessed (20+ years), someone has stepped out in the marriage, yet they have stayed together.”
for a while, i seemed to run into married cats who acted like they were single like me. they justified it by saying nothing was wrong with steppin’ out from time to time as long as you “took care of home.” needless to say, this messed up my view of marriage for a while. not that i agreed with their f-cked up views, but it kind of turned me off to marriage like, “is every marriage like this?”
@SouthernCharm,
they justified it by saying nothing was wrong with steppin’ out from time to time as long as you “took care of home
I wonder if they would say the same thing if it was their woman who took this attitude. I swear I have spoken to married men who are serial cheaters and say that their divorces are their ex-wives faults because the women left (as if its their job to styay through this). I find it to be disgusting.
@V Renee,
I have yet to see a marriage in which no one has cheated. This is with grandparents, friends’ parents, my parents……..none. With every long term marriage that I have witnessed (20+ years), someone has stepped out in the marriage, yet they have stayed together.
the first sentence is key. YOU have yet to see it. thing is, just because you havent seen it doesnt mean that it doesnt happen. sh*t, if both of your brothers and your uncles all went to prison, would you believe that every black man in the country went to prison as well?
ok, that analogy worked much better in my head, lol…but i think my point is clear
@The Champ,
“YOU have yet to see it. thing is, just because you havent seen it doesnt mean that it doesnt happen. ”
I do think it happens, I just think that more people in LONG marriages cheat more than they don’t. Experiences shape how you see things. Therefore if everywhere I look, someone is stepping out, it will scew my perception of marriage. Sh*t even Martin L. King had chicks on the side….Will/Jada have an “open marriage”, Ozzie & Ruby – I see cheating going on WAY too much, to not believe that it’s not happening. NOT to mention that married men come on to me ALL the time.
“if both of your brothers and your uncles all went to prison, would you believe that every black man in the country went to prison as well?”
No because I have other examples of black men who are NOT in jail. Like I said, I have yet to see anyone in a LONG marriage where 1 person has not stepped out. I may have a better chance at seeing a unicorn walking down the highway……Not saying it’s impossible, I just haven’t seen it. And if I were to see it, that would be 1 couple out of 10 that are COMPLETELY faithful, leading me to believe that my statistic was right – 90% of LT marriages have someone cheating.
@V Renee,
I wonder about the long term cheating thing. My grandparents have been married 61yrs and still cuddle and snuggle and stuff. But sometimes I wonder if anyone has ever stepped out in their relationship. Funny thing is I one of them did do it, I could see it being my grandmother before my grandfather.
@Suga&Spice
That’s the thing, my parents run around like kids – they are hilarious together. I have no doubt that they love each other and it shows when I see them interact with one another. I truly believe in marriage, but at the same time in their 27 years of marriage, I know that my dad has stepped out before……..
Happily ever after FOREVER with NO cheating is nice in theory. Sounds good.
@V Renee,
“I have yet to see a marriage in which no one has cheated. This is with grandparents, friends’ parents, my parents……..none. With every long term marriage that I have witnessed (20+ years), someone has stepped out in the marriage, yet they have stayed together. ”
You haven’t met them, but my parents are a shining example of a couple who’s been married 20+ years and neither one has stepped out. In fact, there was this one time, when my mom’s coworker thought it was funny to leave voicemails of songs they both loved, (the mexican chick thought it made her “cooler” to like Luther Vandross as much as a black chick…smh…I don’t get it either.) My pops heard it, showed up to my moms job the next day and announced that whomever is leaving luther songs on my moms voicemail needs to speak to him immediately… b/c if they think they takin his wife…. then they need to know she comes attached with 5 kids and 1 is in college. LOL!
The misunderstanding was cleared up, but any nice-ities my mom used to get from dudes…stopped immediately!!
See, I believe in the power of redemption.
Having been on the other end of the stick, sometimes as humans we fuck up.
I have never been confronted to the situation of having to take back a cheating s/o, but my answer for me would be: It’s on a case by case basis.
Then again maybe it’s not.
@Ms. Sula,
lol…this comment sounded like something pei mei would post if he was on vsb
@The Champ,
Hey! I was rushing…
(and Pei Mei’s cookbook is great.
)
I volunteered at an HIV clinic and got to speak to women who contracted the disease from their HUSBANDS. I just can’t get over the pain they told me about.
Most of the women told me that they had forgiven their husbands before.
This is the type of sh*t that would make me leave.
I would rather be like my girl Jill Scott and “need a new pack of batteries everyday” then have to be on medicine for the rest of my life.
The interesting thing is how many of us would stay if nobody else knew what was going on? Just a thought.
@Health Diva,
The interesting thing is how many of us would stay if nobody else knew what was going on? Just a thought.
good question
@Health Diva, I still wouldn’t stay. The fact that I left would pose questions from everyone in the peanut gallery and “let it go”, “it’s none of your business”, “i don’t wanna talk about”, or any other way to dodge answering the question only leads to more questions and speculation and badgering of the witness.
@Ro,
I wouldn’t stay either but a big part of the hurt always seems to be tied to if the public knows about what happened.
@Health Diva,
I guess so. I will admit that, like alot of people, I hate feeling “played” in any sense of the word, b/c my whole thing is… you could have just asked…
@Health Diva, not only the health concerns drove me to my sanity, but the honesty in the statement of “I can do bad all by myself”
@Intellectual Hedonist,
the honesty in the statement of “I can do bad all by myself””
You don’t know the honesty of that statement until you have some no-goodkins sittin’ up in your face asking for one mo’ chance, one mo’ time.
I’d rather not. Be gone!
I have been cheated on and have cheated in the past. (LOL) Currently, I have been in a relationship for 5 years off and on and I can honestly say if either of us cheats, we’ll still be together. Neither of us can prove that the other is/has cheated but there have been signs and suspect incidents. I totally agree , it hurt him more than it could ever hurt me when he THOUGHT I was cheating or had cheated. Payback is a mug! And that male ego is no joke.
@El,
why did you cheat and sh*t?
@The Champ, I cheated because I knew he had done it and wanted to let him know how it felt to be on the receiving end.
@The Champ, Cheating actually saved my relationship. I know it sounds crazy but it did.
My deal breakers are pretty simple and straightforward…
1. Thou shalt not cheat on me, especially if I’ve been loyal to you .
(but since I’m a perpetual bachelor that seldom has to happen)
2. Thou shalt not give me an ultimatum at any point in our relationship and if so, you’d better have a friggin good reason why you are giving me one.
3. Thou shalt be a sidepiece (at the very least) in the event I actually want to speak to you after getting wind of infidelity. Please don’t try and be friends.
I can admit to cheating but it was only out of greed ina sense. When you’re “with” someone, it seems like so many options come out of nowhere or “she only wants someone that some other woman wants.” Happens everytime.
@CPT Callamity,
You are so right. My wedding ring used to make me a bigger target of the single men.
My cousin says that when he takes his son to the mall its like the baby is a skank magnet. Even after he tells them that he is happily married they manage to offer up the goods.
I am glad somone admitted that sometimes it just comes done to greed and not the other person.
I was not a perfect wife but I think that I was a loving one. My soon to be ex still went on sites trolling for women when he basically had his own live in PORN star at home. Needless to say his greed has gotten him a pending divorce.
@CPT Callamity,
I can admit to cheating but it was only out of greed ina sense.
what if a chick you were with espoused the same logic?
@The Champ,
Totally understandable. Just like when I’m with someone and then 100 chicks come outta nowhere, I’m sure she’s going to be tested as well. I’ll get what I deserve.
I guess I don’t put anything past anyone anymore. I used to borrow girlfriends from time to time and it wasn’t right but that’s what happens when you’re young and reckless.
@ Health Diva
That’s messed up. If a woman makes maximum effort to please her man and if he’s up front with what he wants, I see no reason to justify it. The one time I did cheat was because the girl who received the side goods was phatter, freakier and…sigh…it was something new. I knew what I wanted was asking for too much so I found it elsewhere.
@CPT Callamity,
So.., did you ask your mate for what you wanted? You know the saying a closed mouth don’t get fed! LMAO
@Health Diva,
No…my case was I didn’t ask for what I wanted. I instead let the woman having a child deter me from it. We broke up later but I talk to her from time to time. She’s still a good woman…we were both in different places though.
Next time around…trust me…if she’s lucky she’ll know exactly what I want.
@CPT Callamity,
Awe…. Good luck finding her.
Either I’m an exception to the rule or I’m just a dumb @ss. Yeah I’ve been cheated on and I took her back. I was hurt bad, it felt like I loss my best friend and shyt.
In the beginning of that relationship I did my dirt, but I never got caught. Later on I just stopped effing other chicks and settled down. Then 2 years later she went and did some old dumb shyt with her ex, who she knows I hate. Why do chicks always go to their ex’s to cheat? I don’t know she might have been cheating way before she got cuaght, but I guess I will never know. Anyway I took her back after I had left her @ss for about a week (I’m was a sucker, plus I like home cooked meals and clean clothes) Anyway I couldn’t get over that shyt and for the next several weeks, I became the detective in the relationship. When that got old, I just went back to my old ways of effing random chicks (safely of course)
I learned a few good lessons from that shyt, so no I will never take back someone who cheated on me. It’s too many single ladies out there to be running after some dumb broad that know how to act.
@eff yo couch,
Either I’m an exception to the rule or I’m just a dumb @ss. Yeah I’ve been cheated on and I took her back. I was hurt bad, it felt like I loss my best friend and shyt.
how old were you and sh*t?
@The Champ,
early 20′s
I’ve not been cheated on to my knowledge, but when I was about 18, I found out after being many months into a relationship that I was the unwelcomed, additional party in some chick’s relationship. I was enraged, because it will never be my character to deal with someone who already has a girlfriend, and I just couldn’t believe that he had been cheating on his girl with me that whole time..and she was pregnant with their first child at the time. I immediately called it off with dude, but he tried like hell to convince me that they were NOT together, despite the baby on the way, and that he loved me, blah blah blah. Being that I was a dumb youngster, I still allowed him to be my “friend” for a few years afterwards, even though it was never on a romantic tip after that.
They’re still together to this day, and now have two kids, but he’s still talkin bout how he’s free to see other people..whatev.
Point is, I don’t deal with cheaters, and I shan’t be cheated on and stay around. I’d MUCH rather you say to me, “You know 8th, I respect you enough to tell you that this chick has been looking real good to me lately, and I wanna hit that, so I think we should just break up”, then have me sitting around grinning, thinking about how much I love my man and how much he loves me, only to find that he went outside of our relationship and put my mind, body and heart at risk. I would never cheat for the same reason.
I’ll just leave you first.
“Point is, I don’t deal with cheaters, and I shan’t be cheated on and stay around. I’d MUCH rather you say to me, “You know 8th, I respect you enough to tell you that this chick has been looking real good to me lately, and I wanna hit that, so I think we should just break up”, then have me sitting around grinning, thinking about how much I love my man and how much he loves me, only to find that he went outside of our relationship and put my mind, body and heart at risk.”
@8th Wonder,
I’m sorry 8th but I have to call bullshyt on this. I hear females say this all the time, like they’re going to cool with a ninja telling them this. Every time I had this convo, it always went the same way as if the newly dumpee was being cheated on. I’m now having flash backs of my ex’s throwing random objects at me and leaving death threats on my voicemail. Thank you
@eff yo couch,
I’m not saying I wouldn’t be furious. I wouldn’t end the conversation with a smile and a thank you. Either way, I end up hurt, but I would certainly prefer you being honest and leaving than deceiving me and cheating. At least with the former I can respect you as a man, and I can feel you still had some respect for me. The latter just makes you less than human to me. And you can never get my respect back, ever.
@eff yo couch, I repeatedly told my ex. If here is not where you want to be than be gone. I don’t want you here if you are here part time. but he was a lying cheating a$$ so he stuck around till I told him to leave as opposed to him taking the out I gave him. So even when given the chance to come clean and take it like a man some men still decide they want their cake and eat it too.
Hey y’all…just wanted to interject with a congratulations to Panama Jackson and The Champ…love this blog and you guys are awesome and sh*t.
ALSO, John Legend is on the View today so don’t miss it…
@Coco,
thanks and sh*t.
and thanks for the heads up. i tivo the view , so i’ll catch it when i get home. (of course, by “tivo” i mean “never watch”, and by “so i’ll catch it when i get home” i mean “and i’m quite irked that you suggested we do so”)
I was preparing to give you the side-eye quite intensely.
@The Champ, this was funny.
This is the first time I’ve ever left a comment but I felt compelled to respond because I’ve been cheated on two times and reacted two different ways.
The first time I was with someone for a year when I found out that I was the “other woman”, by his fiance of 3 years. I was so angry I couldn’t even mourn the relationship. It was like hatred replaced anything I ever felt towards him. I never spoke to him again. Even after he called his fiance and told her she never meant anything to him and left voicemail after voicemail begging for forgiveness I couldn’t do it. I loved him and trusted him completely but the fond feelings could never and have never come back.
A few years later a guy I was dating for about 6 months started talking to and then secretly spent the day with another woman for her birthday. I found out and was angry, hurt, and heartbroken. After a week of contemplating our future somehow I forgave him. I never asked the details I only asked that he tell me the truth about what happened and demanded that it never happen again. He was just as apologetic as the first guy, but I felt that I could get past it and we’re together now and we’re happy now. I still get suspicious from time to time but I don’t let my imagination drive me crazy when he’s away.
*note: I tend to be too forgiving and I’m still not sure how an otherwise intelligent person can be such a bad judge of character (I have never seen it coming, or I must be deluding myself that every guys is honest by ignoring the signs)
Its a matter of pride. Women tend to be able to put their pride aside when they love someone because at the end of the day they want to be with the man they love. Men are very proud and its much harder for them to deal with a bruised ego. Even if the man loves the woman it takes a lot more work to push past it because its more than the trust that is missing, its also the respect he feels he has lost. Plus his boys will probably be begging him to dump her publicly.
Thoughts?
@revengeof thenerdette, just wondering…how is it or why were you able to forgive the second guy and not the first?
and…welcome and sh!t…*gold stars*
@revengeof thenerdette,
@revengeof thenerdette, just wondering…how is it or why were you able to forgive the second guy and not the first?
i had the same question. welcome and sh*t, btw
@The Champ,
I really feel that now that I’m older I have been able to put my pride aside. When I was younger I felt completely betrayed by the First guy but mostly I was embarassed. And not because people were going to find out. I was embarassed because he fooled me and I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of having me. Since he was in a pre-existing relationship when he met me everything he told me was a lie from the beginning. It didn’t seem worth saving.
At the time of the Second guy’s screw up my head was in a different place. We were struggling (culinary school takes up a lot of my time) but I felt that we could make it work… Then I found out this happened. I thought hard about what I wanted to do next and after several long conversations I felt like I was the person he wanted to be with and I needed to know that. I strongly believe a man is going to do what he wants to do MOST. If he wanted to leave he could have and I would have let him, but I got the sense that he really valued our relationships even though he made a mistake. He apologized and I forgave him but if it were to happen again so I dont know that I would do it again.
@revengeof thenerdette,
I strongly believe a man is going to do what he wants to do MOST
i see the point with most of your comment, but i have to disagree with this statement. alot of time, we (men) do whats easiest, and follow the path of least resistance. he could have “convinced” you during those talks just because he didnt want to hurt you any more.
@The Champ,
You don’t think that it would have been easier to leave the relationship instead of having to apologize? Or do you feel that I made it easy for him to come back?
@revengeof thenerdette,
That’s exactly my point. It’s on a case-by-case basis.
You are not involved with the same person, so the stories are different, the circumstances as well.
I totally understand why this would happen.
@Ms. Sula,
I agree with you to a degree. The situation makes a huge difference but it really depends on a persons temperment. If I hadn’t changed over the years I think my relationship would have ended for good that day. Some women have it within them to forgive, some don’t.
@revengeof thenerdette,
Welcome!
**Diva Dust ™**
i don’t think i would be able to take my man back if he cheated on me. but i cannot predict what would go down if that really happened… i could easily see myself turning soft if i really got to thinking about living without him… but i digress…
i’ve actually talked to some of my guy friends about this and i think part of this ties in with women cheating on an emotional level and men cheating on just the physical. i’ve been told that when women cheat, they are actually emotionally connected to this new man, while men who cheat are just out there for the booty. i completely disagree with this. i have had many a girlfriend treat a man like just a piece of meat, nothing emotional, just a good bang… i’ve had completely impure completely physical (and nothing else) thoughts about certain men a time or two. i don’t dream about building a life with said men. to say that all women get emotionally tied is a generalization.
i think men are too proud. it’s pretty simple. it’s the environment that we live in. a man that takes his cheating girlfriend back will always be stupid and always be a punk to his friends. a woman that takes her cheating man back is usually seen as a kind soul towards her girlfriends. overall, but not always, we as women are more accepting creatures…
@laylah,
a man that takes his cheating girlfriend back will always be stupid and always be a punk to his friends. a woman that takes her cheating man back is usually seen as a kind soul towards her girlfriends
the double standard strikes again
No.
That is all.
I heart you.
@8th Wonder, awww, thanks 8th. *hugs*
If my wife cheats on me-it’s a done deal. Simple as that.
We’ve got two boys together so we’d definitely work that out b/c she’s an excellent mother and we’re both reasonable about the kids. (Either that or my boys come with me-real rap.) But forgive and move on from infidelity-that’s a no-go. Don’t get me wrong; being married for as long as I have I learned that the one thing you can’t stress is infidelity. You really can’t control what your mate is doing or going to do. But if it goes down….that’s THE deal breaker.
It’s like “Yo, I bust my A$$ trying to stay faithful and you do some foul isht like that?!” Eff outta here sis. Begone. (and you’d best believe that SHE would be the one looking for a place to live.)
Maybe it’s my Carribbean/Spanish side coming out but even the THOUGHT about some other dude with my wife vexes me.
@ThePhiladelphiaNegro,
You really can’t control what your mate is doing or going to do. But if it goes down….that’s THE deal breaker.
good point
See, I believe in the power of redemption.
Having been on the other end of the stick, sometimes as humans we fluck up.
I have never been confronted to the situation of having to take back a cheating s/o, but my answer for me would be: It’s on a case by case basis.
Then again maybe it’s not.
Would anyone forgive someone for having an emotional affair?
@Health Diva,
I don’t know if anyone answered this upthread but I personally would not. If you want so badly to confide with or be with someone else, then its deuces to you and the horse you rode in on.
*stands up*
“My name is This Just In and I’ve been cheated on.”
It sucks. However, regardless of how much it sucked, I decided to stay…like a dummy. The thing about it is, when you are cheated on as a woman and you decide to stay, somehow you end up losing a piece yourself (at least this was true for me). By the end of the relationship, I didn’t know who the hell I was…like I had fallen for the simple apologies and fake tears too many times and I was willing to fall for anything for the sake of being in this relationship. How dreadful.
It’s all about choice. You can choose to forgive and forget (and essentially opt to get cheated on again b/c once a cheater always a cheater) or you can choose to have more respect for your self and your body than to stand for such foolishness and disrespect. I think the choice to stay or go really depends on where you are in your own life and what you want to get out of the relationship.
For me, I know what I want and I know what I refuse to tolerate. Disrespect is one of them…in any form. Cheating (which coincides with lying) just happens to be the ultimate act of disrespect. Needless to say, I would absolutely not tolerate that mess now.
TJI will NOT become a statistic today…HIV is real son!!
@This Just In,
I cosign, my tolerance for tom-foolery is so low, that I could not imagine staying with no cheating a$$ ninja, I have grown and matured too much from my days of ho-sh*t to even allow someone knowingly to put me at risk of “da monster” . That is some “hellnawish” sh*t right there!
@Relax, Relate, Alise,
My tolerance level for foolishness has plummeted over the years…like d@mn near zero. After awhile we just grow out of it, patience becomes shorter and we become smarter–or wiser (at least I hope we do). The days of ho-sh!t have fallen by the wayside and now I think about more important ish…like living monster free!!! Lawd!!!
P, you know damn well why thats a definite dealbreaker for us men! That men-women ratio that we talk about is real, and we acknowledge it. A woman that cheats on you is immediately damaged goods because of it. I hate when we compare women to material objects(ie. cars, food, etc.), BUT , Who the hell gets a TV repaired these days?!?!?Ha!
It sounds way too cliche’ but its all too real — its way to much fish….
Word, if my girl cheats on me? We’ve discussed it playin’, but I WILL cut her off , fa’ sho!
Yes, I will be hurt. You may catch me at the hole-in-the-wall bar cryin’ a bitch about it. I may have to get a second job to pay for my sneaker fetish, so you may catch me with a FootLocker referee shirt on. But bet that ass, I’ll be screwin’ the Assistant Manager in no time flat. I will keep it moving!….What would a man even look like tryna’ get a cheating woman back by seeing someone else?
Bottom line, you can have one cheater in the house, because it takes work of two to correct it, but you CANNOT have two stankin’ asses in one house…thats just downright nasty, and yall know it!
Wassup yall.. it’s been a minute!
@DirtyJerz,
P, you know damn well why thats a definite dealbreaker for us men! That men-women ratio that we talk about is real, and we acknowledge it
i see what you’re saying, but even if the numbers werent skewed in my advantage, i still wouldnt take back a cheater. if had to choose, i’d rather beat than be with a cheat
welcome back and sh*t
I wouldn’t take a cheater back. No, not at all. Because I don’t want that in my life. No other reason…seriously, what other reason does one need?? Settling is for suckas. I get what I want or nothing at all and I’m fine w/that.
I feel like if a dude want to piddle around and explore his options, I need to free him to do that. Consider it a favor, Busta.Meanwhile, I’m moving on. Life is still happening and I will not sit idly by while some guy “figures things out”. I can’t give anybody that much control over my destiny.
As you can see, it’s not about HIM or his cheating ways, or even if he can change. It’s about me and what I’m going to do to be responsible for my OWN happiness.
@PBG,
As you can see, it’s not about HIM or his cheating ways, or even if he can change. It’s about me and what I’m going to do to be responsible for my OWN happiness.
good point.
@PBG,
I likes how you spit that. My SO & I need to remember what we together for. To make each other and the people who interact with us happier.
So if you ain’t adding to the universes collective happiness, we will need to make you one less ninja to worry about & one more to present to the BBJ for a healing. Cuz hurt people, hurt people. *exits rambling* Whutchumad4runninroundcheatinshouldbeshamedofyoself
Quick question:
If a tree falls in the forest, and no one has heard it, has it really fallen?
My thing is, ultimately men don’t have to do this as often as women do. And it’s not necessarily because men cheat more, it could also probably be because women are just better multitaskers hence better cheaters. And seldom get caught.
Men’s cheating is usually about the conquest, and you can’t have a “conquest” if nobody knows about it. For women, it’s more so the act itself or feeling a need or any other reason, they don’t need “plus de personnes”… The world does not have to know and most likely will not.
In general, if a man discovers his girl has cheated it’s either because:
a) she told him, or
b) she really wanted him to know.
That might play into those statistics as well…
@Ms. Sula,
AMEN! Women are not going to say a word. I’m thinking the movie Unfaithful…she didn’t really want anyone to know, but in the end…he needed to know.
i need more commenters.
@Ms. Sula, One of my girls cheated on her husband.
She flew all the way across country (mind you they live miles apart here) to meet with the dude (who was also cheating on his wife) they attended a nationally televised sporting event, stayed in the same hotel yada, yada, yada. Wouldn’t you know it my girls husband runs into dudes wife at the super market, they get to asking each other about their respective spouses and BOOM they both came to the same conclusion standing right there.
They had been cheating on their spouses for months.
They each took their respective spouses back.
Wooow. So wait, how did the grocery store convo start? Did the couples know each other to begin with?
@Intellectual Hedonist,
Wow. Ain’t that some karma fo yo ass!
@Ms. Sula,
Agreed. Plus when women cheat it is for an emotional/mental one up on him. Kind of like when he does something she knows isnt right or when he looks her in her face and tells an airtight lie she can think to herself ‘ok really? Alright negro I got you.’
A woman’s cheating is not about you finding out, it is about her not feeling so undesireable powerless in the relationship.
@Ms. Sula
“In general, if a man discovers his girl has cheated it’s either because:
a) she told him, or
b) she really wanted him to know.”
I soooooooo agree with this.
@V Renee,
a)wrong
and
b)wrong
I don’t even know why yall tryna act like yall are above being sloppy wit ya’ “horizontal-multitasking!” LOL
@DirtyJerz,
Because we ain’t.
Believe that if you caught a girl… deep down, she wanted you to know.
@DirtyJerz,
Sorry but I have to admit that women tend to get caught only if they want to unless they get knocked up!
Hmmm – this is a new one. I don’t know what I would do if my man cheated because it hasn’t happened – yet. There is a small, jaded part of me that kind of expects a man to cheat (hence my previous aversion to committed relationships). Like they can’t help it, or the temptation is too great, they know they can get away with it, whatever. I try to tell little Jaded Jazmine to shut up and sat down, though.
If my current lovebucket decided to step out….I don’t even know what I would do, which is never a good sign – y’all might catch me blogging from my jail cell!
@Lil’T,
vsb.com: where premeditation happens
As a guy, I echo many of the men’s sentiments that cheating is a deal breaker.
Now personally, when I’m with someone or thinking about someone, I’m thinking for the long term. If my girl can’t make that kind of commitment as well, then it’ll be best to go our separate ways romantically rather than work it out.
If kids are involved then yea I’ll be way more accommodating and try to make it work. I grew up with my parents separated and that wasn’t cool. But they were amicable, they were friends. Speaking with them when I got older, I don’t know if they could trust each other intimately after the infidelity occurred. But they understood it was what it was and took care of business when it came to me.
In the end it comes down to a breach of trust when either person cheats. Your reations whether or not its reasonable, depends on how valuable you treat sex. (or emotional intimacy as explained earlier in the thread)
@Dr. Watson,
welcome and sh*t, dr watson
@Dr. Watson, love your handle!
welcome! *gold star*
@SouthernGirl,
sparkle sista you killin me with the handing out of single gold stars!
welcome Dr. Watson!
**Sprinkles Diva Dust ™**
we have solved our supply chain issues… had to fire some folk and hire some new ones.
Coincidentally, Dr. Watson, your name is the same as our Regional Pediatric TB consultant… i thought you were her for a split second. LOL
“So good folks of the VSB-dom, would you consider taking somebody back after they’ve cheated on you? ”
I don’t know. I don’t think I could. All I’m going to say is if he does cheat I better not find out about it.
@miss t-lee,
no throat punches?
@The Champ,
That’s if I find out, sir.
You wrote: “would you consider taking somebody back after they’ve cheated on you?”
First reaction? Nope
“Why or why not?”
The ultimate trust bond has been violated. Just the thought and images of someone being with her would kill the feelings I had for her. While I never say never, there would have to be some away/healing time for a reunion to even be possible. Then she might have to be reclassed for awhile as a FB with no emotional investment. If she can handle that for a while, you never know.
Plus she would always be getting the sideeye from me, and I don’t like living like that, nor feel like I need to be her PO. As a previous poster said, you cannot control your mate, so if they go there, they really need to know upfront that ends the relationship.
“Why is it such a finite deal breaker?”
I think it is the respect issues, the image issues, etc.
I am not sure it is not a finite deal breaker for women. One of my ex’s told me in no uncertain terms that cheating would end it for us.
@Swamii,
The ultimate trust bond has been violated. Just the thought and images of someone being with her would kill the feelings I had for her
**nodding head**
I am seeing that most of the men are saying the would never forgive a woman who has stepped out on them. But you know I know lots of guys who have forgive chicks for stepping out on them. These have been both girlfriends and wives.
And I know a number of women who have stepped out on their dudes gotten caught and they are still together. Heck in a couple of incidents HE was the one begging and pleading for them to stick it out and work on it.
So under what circumstances DO you stay with a woman who cheats?
@Suga&Spice,
So under what circumstances DO you stay with a woman who cheats?
none. absolutely none. this actually might be my only non-negotiable, absolute deal-breaker
To me, it’s really not that complicated. Cheaters are selfish. Period. And it all comes down to giving and sacrifice. You also have to be perceptive and aware enough to not put yourself in, “it just happened,” situations. No in-betweens. Only absolutes.
Why would you go out clubbing every weekend while neglecting to spend time with your s/o? You have to GIVE her time while SACRIFICING your urge to live like you’re still single. Otherwise, you’re selfish.
Why would you go on a trip to Miami, Brazil, etc, with your boys when you know you’re about to be in the middle of all-out hoedom? Unless it’s business, why would you take a trip w/o your s/o in the first place? Again, you have to give & sacrifice.
Why would you have lunch with an attractive co-worker everyday when you know it could lead to something else? You gotta be perceptive and aware enough to know where it could lead to. Somebody wants to f*ck somebody. It’s just not put out there yet.
Why give your number to that guy at the club when he says he just wants to, “be your friend?” No, he wants to put you on a meat diet… preferably his meat. He’ll call until he catches you at a vulnerable moment… which you already were in when you gave him the number.
Sex-life a bore? Constantly got the urge for new-new? Not getting satisfaction at home? Ya man ain’t hittin’ it right, ladies? Try a new position. Go to a novelty store with your mate. Or how about you just realize the fact that your need for instant gratification (a nut) supercedes your relationship/marriage?!
People are just selfish. They don’t want to give or sacrifice. Therefore, they “cheat,” and look for the easy way to get what they’re missing at home instead of working at it. Like Chris Rock said, I think you just have to wake up, look in the mirror one day and say, “F*CK YOU! F*ck your hopes. F*ck your dreams. F*ck everything you thought this life was going to bring you! Now let’s go out and make this b*tch/n*gga happy!”
Relationships are the precursors to marriages. If you break that trust in a relationship, how do I know you won’t do it in a marriage? Once you jump the broom, the problems just become more amplified! If we’re married and you cheat, you’ve broken your vows and then it’s on me. You have no say.
So no, I wouldn’t consider taking someone back after cheating. As a guy, it’s a deal breaker not so much because of ego (although that may play a factor). It’s because once I trust you, then I give of myself and expect it reciprocated. You break that trust, then I value myself enough to take my real-man resume and put it back on the market.
Long enough rant… I’m out for coffee.
@SouthernCharm,
This was a great post.
This had me sniggling for real.
“No, he wants to put you on a meat diet… preferably his meat”
@SouthernCharm,
If I wasn’t already married and my e-twin wasn’t your e-fiance (btw, I left you a little message regarding your treatment of my e-twin 2 or so posts back) and this was a different celestial plane… you SO have a Jersey Girl Stalker right now.
this comment gets all kinds of extra special
limited edition “Its an OBAMA-NATION Bytches” DIVA DUST ™ sprinkled all over it!!!
@SouthernCharm,
*Head nods*
I concur…
@SouthernCharm, i heart you. so much that even though i am on a shortage…you get a whole cluster of *gold stars* to call your own.
@SouthernCharm,
****APPLAUSE**** whistling, bell ringing, chime tinkling, kazoo blowing (what ya’ll know about a KAZOO?!?!)
Great Post!
@SouthernCharm,
AMEN!!
@SouthernCharm,
People are just selfish. They don’t want to give or sacrifice. Therefore, they “cheat,” and look for the easy way to get what they’re missing at home instead of working at it.
in a nutshell
“You also have to be perceptive and aware enough to not put yourself in, “it just happened,” situations.”
I think this is where a lot of people play themselves. You know in your heart you don’t need to be in certain places, because you will obviously be placed in certain scenarios. So why are you there again??
i just remembered, this (married) guy friend of mine who can’t stand this guy who’s friends with his wife (very innocent friendship) and when asked why, he kept saying “no man, i just imagine this fool heaving over my wife, it drives me crazy!’ – and he wasn’t even joking…!
he kept repeating it…. ‘no man, i know it! this guy- heaving over my wife!!!’
what’s with the heaving?????
@superwoman,
**reading comment while searching online for the best south african to american dictionary he can find**
@The Champ, here’s the link:
http://www.verysmartbrothas.com/ot/
and yeah, even i have trouble finding some of my old posts…lol. damn my imagination!
@Panama Jackson, hilarious! you guys are hilarious!!!
This whole issue is why I take the idea of marriage and kids so seriously. It’s a little easier to send a cheating boyfriend packing. Once he’s my hubby (especially if there are kids involved) it would take more than a single indescretion to make me dismantle my whole life and the lives of any kids. I would look under rocks for a way to work it out before I signed divorce papers.
Why?
Because EVERY married person I know (woman or man) has to suck it up with their spouse over some bona-fide deal breakers. Gambling, cheating, shopping addiction, whatever (and if you don’t think gambling and shopping addictions are that bad ask someone whose family is out a house) – if I take the vow then I am agreeing to work with this bamma to the nth degree before calling it quits.
Aaand – I may be missing this from upthread, but I am also finally understanding why women get so angry at the “other woman”. My philosophy as a young gal was to put the blame where it belongs – with your man, not some trollop who doesn’t know you and owed you nothing. Now I am seeing that, even if you’re livid with your man, unless you have icewater in your veins you can’t just stop loving the bastid. But you can freely take out your anger on the “little tramp homewrecker”. As Whitney says, it’s not right, but it’s ok…..
@Lil’T,
But you can freely take out your anger on the “little tramp homewrecker”. As Whitney says, it’s not right, but it’s ok…..
lol…other than how to successfully boost 50 dvds from a highly secure borders bookstore in less than a week, i wouldnt take too many lessons from a crackhead
Why is it that you’re looked at as coldhearted if you can easily walk away from a relationship?
There are 6.5 billion people on this planet, why should you stay in a wack situation if your chances of finding a better one are pretty high when you look at the numbers?
If a chick cheats on me. Bye. One. Two Fangaz. Adios. Au Revoir. It’s that simple. We don’t have to be enemies, but we obviously disagree on the definition of exclusive, thus we don’t need to be exclusive anymore. Yeah, I might want to put rip your eyelids off and feed you nothing but sleeping pills, but I feel like that about people who cut me off in traffic too, so it means nothing. You’ve just demoted yourself from franchise player to role player and/or kicked yourself off the team.
If I cheat, I fully expect her to have a similar reaction. If I didn’t know it was wrong, then I would just do it in the open. It’s really that simple.
So many people are afraid to actually put some work in and cuss out (then leave) someone who’s done you wrong or go out and find someone who actually deserves you, that they just stay in a bad situation even when their intuition, friends, and Robin Meade are telling them to leave the situation.
If dumping a chick that does something that I know I can’t stand on a daily basis (i.e. cheating, nagging, asking why too much, applying chick logic, etc) upon first sign of said behavior makes me a “Cold, Heartless Prick” then point me to the nearest t-shirt printing company.
If I total my car in a car accident, yes that sucks. But I don’t stop driving…I buy a new car…WTF!
- A Cold Heartless Prick
I don’t think you are cold or heartless, I agree 100% with your post.
@Cornell Westside,
“Yeah, I might want to put rip your eyelids off and feed you nothing but sleeping pills”
You know I couldn’t let this one slide…lol
Bring The Pain why don’t you?
*giggles*
@Cornell Westside,
thank you Mr. Westside.
much co-signage!
you ain’t a cold heartless prick. i seent you. you need mo peoples.
I would like to add, that back in my younger days, I cheated one time on some revengeful type sh*t. When asked about it, I told the truth and he took me back/forgave me. His pride was definitely hurt, but I think he did so much other phucked up sh*t that he got over it.
We eventually broke up, but till this day he still calls me on some you were “The One”, and we should get hitched type sh*t.
@V Renee,
We eventually broke up, but till this day he still calls me on some you were “The One”, and we should get hitched type sh*t.
lol…there arent many prospects in cincy, so that doesnt surprise me
@The Champ,
lol… like pgh is much better…
@The Champ
This was actually when I lived in Columbus
::sticking out tongue::
As a person that has been on both sides of the game..cheater and cheatee..I would have to say that I would not take a cheater back. The act of cheating, be it emotional or physical, is always premeditated. And it causes a lot of emotional distress, sometimes irreversible, to both parties.
@Im Just Sayin,
what caused you to cheat and sh*t?
Speaking about my current situation, cheating would be a no go. Not only because of how we met, but it’s LDR. Na Son…WTF Imma do with this shit AKA “the relationship”.
I want to say no go period, but like people have said, it’s depends on different variables.
@ChiChi,
**searching for p’s entry about why long distance relationships don’t work, and frustrated that p usually titles his entries with vague music references**
@The Champ,
found it:
http://www.verysmartbrothas.com/ot/
@The Champ, talk to yourself much?
I know plenty of people who accept cheating partners… male and female. These people are all married, have kids, homes and all the things that come with that baggage. And starting over from that isn’t easy at all. Nor is divorce court, child support court, and all that. It’s not that easy to walk away from your wife when she’s going to get 55% of your paycheck. Hence another old saying : it’s cheaper to keep her. I think people in monogamous relationships can get caught in a cycle of negativity with their spouses that they can’t come out of and they find solace in the arms of someone else… but they don’t feel like they can stand alone (financially usually) so they stay in a horrible union bcuz of money and for the kids.
@pgh muse
“it’s cheaper to keep her”
This phrase always cracks me up, but it is so true. Divorce is NOT cheap. Especially when kids are involved.
I also wanted to say to men that if you really believe that you are supposed to be the heads of the household and all that good stuff, isn’t the best way to lead by example? I’m reading all these posts and it’s not specific to one man, but if ya’ll are supposed to be leaders than ya’ll need to step your game up. Being whores isn’t showing leadership. Being liars isn’t showing leadership either. Being cheaters and expecting that there are no repercussions for that isn’t leadership… These behaviors show a lot of cowardice and immaturity. I don’t get it.
@pgh muse,
if i’m not mistaken, the majority of guys who responded today (along with p and i) said that they don’t cheat.
i’m not sure where your comment is coming from..in regards to today, at least
@The Champ,
lol… eh… maybe it was random. Maybe i have selective commentitis… lol.. idk… but since you asked, i will try to back up my comment…. and searched for comments that ruffled my feathers
@pgh muse, “lol… eh… maybe it was random. Maybe i have selective commentitis… lol.. idk”
i think you picked up on one or two instances of va$gina pandering..
@The Champ,
ok.. just to name a couple, DirtyJerz’s comment, JR Bernard’s comment, Mr. Smart guy’s comment… they may not all profess to cheating personally but all of their comments co-sign the general male skanky attitude toward sex (no disrespect fellas
)… if males are supposed to be the leaders of our species why are they such poor role models?
@pgh muse, I wasn’t referring to myself, though I know some guys that are like that for whatever reason (long distance relationships, their S.O. being a virgin, etc). I’d care alot less (and be more forgiving) towards a girl if she talked with another guy and had him doing/buying gifts than if she were gettin’ jiggy with holmes. On the flip side, most women I know would be more upset if I were to go treat some side jawn as if she were wifey than if I treated them like skeezos.
For the record, I think both are equally wrong. But certain things matter more to some people than it does others. It boils down to the lesser of the two evils involving more emotional attachment than the other (in the eyes of each respective person).
So you can think men have a skanky attitude towards sex, but always remember that it takes two… (or three or four)
And I’ll also say that just because men are more prone to getting caught (probably because of carelessness and recklessness) does not mean that women don’t do the same thing. The fact that they are clever in covering up their pooh does not change the fact that they still do number #2′s…
Any suggestions on where to meet the non-cheaters?
@Health Diva,
same place you meet the cheaters: earth
@The Champ,
Ok Smarty Pants! lol
The part about marriage that sucks is that it costs money and time to ask them to marry you and to break up with them…what kinda sh*t is that?
“I gotta move back to my Momma house cause you ain’t happy?”
…random i know
@Cornell Westside,
“I gotta move back to my Momma house cause you ain’t happy?”
Nope. You can move to ya daddy’s house if you want – your choice. lol
I can’t keep up!!
*screws the top off of the Glitter Shaker & dumps it all over the blog*
This is for alllll the new people!! I’m so glad you’re here n’ shyt!
@PBG, girl, i know. me and bbmo are getting the shakes and sh!t with all these welcomes…*throws last few gold stars for the day into PBG’s glitter*
Dudes cheat with their eyes and women cheat with their souls (gives self large pat on the back for being so deep and spiritual on a Monday). So guys get upset at the fact that their woman put a lot more thought into cheating then they did and to top it all off biology is the best explanation of why guys cheat. Women have a short supply of eggs and men have a unlimited or close to it supply of sperm. We NEED to spread the SEED…women on the other hand need not.
Here is my list of top ten reasons why guys cheat…or why I used to cheat (don’t any more…or haven’t in a long while…like four months…that’s a record for me)
10. She was there and I was there and she didn’t have ANY panties on…nuff said
9. I was hanging with my boys and ran across freaky Amanda (or freaky Shay, Toya, Shannon, Jessica, Ashley)
8. We had a fight and I was feeling down and needed a pick me and you (girlfriend at time) weren’t there
7. It just happened (this usually involves copious amounts of alcohol)
6. Dude runs across chick he’s been trying to get at way before he meet current girl and says what the hey (can’t pass up opportunities cause its bad luck)
5. Guys get board with monogamy very easily (basically guys get tired of smashing the same pumpkin again and again, and again, again, again, again….
4. Guy is age 17 to 24 (prime cant be locked down years)
3. Guy knew that the girl he was with was really not NEO aka the one so why only give the west Texas wood to just her
2. Girlfriend doesn’t give head or doesn’t give it good enough (shout out to all you bad head ho* step ur game UP! and stop the belly aching)
1. Cause WE CAN (we KNOW your going to take us back cause we us and you already let us beat like 1906 times and we the shi* and ur sprung like hydraulic suspensions on a fresh Cali whip
@docdj23,
Umm.. WOW!
@docdj23,
you must be a young cat who hasn’t really been in love yet.
All this REEKS of youthful triflingness…
4 months?! A long time?!?!?!?!?!
Champ, get homie into VSB Rehab STAT! PBG, we need those Glittery Emails to Sweet Brown Baby Jesus… I’mma join you in the prayer cubicle with anointing oil… call Imam Overit… we need the screnf of her prayers and conviction!
We gotta save you now bruh, because the LAST thing you want to do is run into chicks like RedBeanz, Princess Duvet or me while you are behaving like this. We trying to prevent a torture/murder from happening. Its for your own good… resistance is futile.
@blackberry molasses, Yes, tis true that I be a young cat…but if truth be told (stepping on to really high soap box) I never needed no help in that department. I am not against FREE advice, or free anything for that matter, but you didnt offer any. As far as Redbeanz and Princess Duvet go I havent been on the site long (just busted my blog cherry yesterday) but they sound like they know what they talkin about for the most part so I’ll hold my piece on that one. Last, b/c I am me it matters not the female I run into b/c if she is straight or slightly bie your manz can MCNABB her, sweep her off her feet and have her letting me have 500 dollars for some fresh J’s. j/j
@docdj23, lol. with regards to females cheating with their souls, I think that some women like to sit on a high horse and pretend the ish they do does not jeopardize/harm a relationship in the same way that the ish men might do (jumpin a side jawn every now and then).
For example (this is hypothetical), if a women cooks for me, I may wanna be the only man she cooks for. If she cooks for another dude, I might go ape sh*t over it cuz it’s something I’m partial to (even if she cooked because she enjoys it and does it in her spare time). She probably doesn’t see it as such a big deal, but it still matters to me. Men and sex are the same way. Big deal to women, not so much to men.
awww, im so sad my computer had to be broken when this topic came up! i HATE that ghostface song! like, how you gonna cheat and then dictate the appropriate and acceptable ways that i can “get you back”
fvck. that. shyt.
in answer to the question. no, i cant see taking someone back who cheated on me. im not forgiving, i hold grudges. i understand that about myself. even if i offered to take him back, that man better run for the hills because i will make both of our lives a living hell….thats just the reality. i would be chock full of resentment and nothing would make that go away.
so, no, i cannot abide a cheater…and ive never cheated, but if i did, i would completely understand my curb kickage.
Question:Has anyone considered that a guy who was cheated on but decided to stick around is much less likely to talk about it?To ANYONE?
In general,women are much more open about having been “cheatees”.
@ the guys.
Goodness.
As a man, if a female cheats on you, it says TONS about your “game” and the obvious poor quality of your decisions.
POINT.BLANK.PERIOD.
Step your game up lame and pull a better crop of women.
They exist.
yo
@The Champ, yo
Not just no, but heck no. If you aren’t man enough to say you want to see other people, then you’re not worth the time or trouble to stay with. At least be honest about it.