***before i begin today, i want to thank gemmie, poison ivy st, kamakula, killa k, pgh muse, wudaman, voiceofreason, buboniccalypso, and everyone else who came out for the pittsburgh-area vsb happy hour and brownie-eating contest friday evening. although pgh muse didnt flash any bartenders, we still had a blast and sh*t, and i really appreciated everyone coming out.***
it usually starts the exact same way.
i’ll be on my pc in my bedroom, surfing for p*rn farmers markets, animal shelters, and places to volunteer, when the first barely audible “ooh” is heard. since my comp is near a window, i usually dismiss this as one of the random street sounds (noiseless priuses, j crew ponchos scraping the pavement, asexual shih tzus, drake mixtapes, etc, etc) associated with living in a gentrified neighborhood.
then, the “oohs” slowly crescendo, which, combined with the now sporadic wall thumps and random smacks, create the unmistakably cacophonous evidence of close apartment coitus. the neighbors are definitely doing the nasty, i’ll definitely be their reluctant audience for the next five to thirty-five minutes, and there’s definitely nothing i can do about it…or is there?
today, i’ll attempt to tackle this awkward and common social dilemma with the three best things to do when you know your neighbors are doing the do
1. listen, laugh, and learn
once you get past the initial “damn…they’re really over there f*cking, aint they?” shock, what better option is there then to just listen? despite your efforts to ignore, you’re not gonna be able to not pay attention to it, and since they had the utter audacity to include you in their sunday spine spinning session, be an active audience member.
shut your window. find a glass. rub peroxide on your wall. (not sure if this actually works. just saw macgyver do it once and thought it was cool)
also, what better way to really get to really know your neighbors than to hear them at their most vulnerable (is he a sadist? is she a drama queen? was that a squirt hitting the wall?), and what better comic relief is there than hearing your neighbors bf scream “release the hounds” right before he climaxes¹?
according to the u of shadyside medical journal, there are three normal adult human responses to the sound of lovemaking
a) disgust
b) arousal
c) disgust at your arousal
since its medically proven that you’ll have at least a 66 percent chance of being aroused², why not just pop two birds with one bone?
3. up the ante
my personal favorite, ante upping occurs when the spider-monkeys next-door annoy and arouse you and your significant other so much that you decide to make it you own personal mission to out-coitus them. sh*t, you already have concrete evidence that the walls in your cheap-ass apartment are thin, so why not have a little competition?
be a banshee.
smack her ass and the wall simultaneously.
growl and meow.
use more and more cowbell.
speak in tongues, and, if you can’t speak in tongues, just say sh*t you’d imagine joan rivers would say if she were boned by brian pumper.
i’d continue, but i think my neighbors are at it again, and i’m due for some evening pastor macing.
people of vsb.com, what say you? did i miss anything?
¹no bullsh*t, although i cant really tell if its “release the hounds” or “increase the pounds”
²unless, of course, you’ve seen these neighbors, and these neighbors resemble the construction workers from fraggle rock
—the champ
Related posts:
{ 47 comments… read them below or add one }
farmers markets, animal shelters, and places to volunteer…you wrong champ, so wrong.
lmao @ “release the hounds” i would die of laughter. i’m all for the competition, they wouldn’t know what hit this squirrel! lmao, gettin it!
and last but not least, go macgyver!
Reply
SouthernGirl Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 9:42 am
@overit,
“they wouldn’t know what hit this squirrel! lmao, gettin it!”
somebody is DEF getting them gooddonedebbies…lol
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Gem-balaya Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 10:35 am
LOL yes indeedy yes indeedy!!
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“speak in tongues, and, if you can’t speak in tongues, just say sh*t you’d imagine joan rivers would say if she were boned by brian pumper.”
really champ, this is quite ridiculous and horrifying at the same time.
this actually happened to me recently. I was spending the night on my friends couch and like at like 2am, on a weekday mind you and i had to go to work at 9 the next day, her heffa, fat, 2520 roommate (she’s in law school) strolls in with this random dude and has the loudest, grossest sex ever–for like 2 hrs. IT WAS THE WORSTE!!! she said all of this crazy stuff like “oh right there,” “i Wanted to f u so bad,” “I’m almost there, almost there!” and our personal fav, “UR SOOO GOOD at THIS! HOW ARE U DOING THAT!?!”, i was like “oh really thats how u hoes get down, stop taking pointers from porn. but anywho did i mention her bedroom was right next to the living room and i couldn’t even drown out the noises with headphones. So the next day i pretty much told everyone, bc my friend is a zombie sleeper and was spared the traumatic experience, and now we basically just make fun of her all the time for it and repeat her sexytime musings lol…right there! right there!
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Carver The Great! Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 9:54 am
@PrincesMo,
you should’ve just said “eff it” and began your own “thumb twiddling” process
…and women should talk more like pronstars…we like encouragement. just about every sport has cheerleaders, be one.
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miss t-lee Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 10:01 am
@Carver The Great!,
Good to know…
*snicker*
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blackberry molasses Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 10:02 am
@Carver The Great!,
I completely co-sign and make a conscious effort to be a ‘cheerleader’
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miss t-lee Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 10:08 am
@blackberry molasses,
Ain’t wrong with cheering chick!!!
PrincesMo Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 10:10 am
@Carver The Great!,
I’m all about people being vocal and doing/saying what they feel when theyre doing the doo! go ahead get it cracking, but it didnt sound geniune on this girl. it sounded scripted and like some1 told her what to say. it was just gross and i kept getting horrid mental pictures of her ample self getting contorted and rubbed down in the most ungodly ways lol..it was a long night!
Reply
Carver The Great! Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 10:20 am
@PrincesMo,
better scripted utterances are better than silence…
i feel you though, plump pumping is not a pleasant picture to paint
FiveFivewithbrowneyes Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 10:45 am
@PrincesMo,
Big girls need love too, lol.
miss t-lee Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 10:47 am
@FiveFivewithbrowneyes,
Team chunk represent.
Carver The Great! Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 11:02 am
@FiveFivewithbrowneyes,
don’t trip, i have my BGL (big girl license). my old heads told me, “you don’t know how to fluck unless you can break a big girl off”…it’s a right of passage
Gem-balaya Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 11:06 am
LOL i love it!!
miss t-lee Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 11:12 am
@Carver The Great!,
*DEAD* hahahah
overit Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 11:17 am
@Carver The Great!, “you don’t know how to fluck unless you can break a big girl off”
GET IT KIT-KAT!
blackberry molasses Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 11:22 am
@Carver The Great!,
I HATE that I love you…
The Champ Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 11:22 am
@Carver The Great!,
“you don’t know how to fluck unless you can break a big girl off”
your oldhead’s name isnt redman, is it?
FiveFivewithbrowneyes Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 11:43 am
@Carver The Great!,
LOL, not trippin at all. FiveFive is a solid 138; just sayin errbody needs love, regardless of pants size.
Toussaintthefree Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 1:37 pm
@Carver The Great!,
Shalom!! So ture..if you can control all that weight coming to you, you can knock anything down!
*BGL since 2005*
CoCo Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 11:22 am
@Carver The Great!,
as an actual cheerleader, i can attest to the merit of a lil encouragement and praise in the bed. makes him like superman… the man of steel
Reply
The Champ Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 11:23 am
@Carver The Great!,
just about every sport has cheerleaders, be one.
**nodding head**
positive reinforcement goes a long way and sh*t
Reply
The Champ Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 11:21 am
@PrincesMo,
“really champ, this is quite ridiculous and horrifying at the same time.”
if i were a vsb-er instead of the great champ, this is where i’d say “and this is also one of the top 5 things heard in champs bedroom”
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superwoman Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 12:39 pm
@The Champ, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!! you KILL me, i swear…
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This made me think about that scene in “Forgetting Sarah Marshall” that turned into an ‘upping the ante’ competition. Funny shyt.
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Lili Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 12:59 am
@Monk,
Ugh! Still haven’t seen that movie yet. Def missed it on hbo this weekend…
Reply
The Champ Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 11:27 am
@Monk,
This made me think about that scene in “Forgetting Sarah Marshall” that turned into an ‘upping the ante’ competition.
lol, yeah. i wanted to use a pic from that scene, but i figure we’ve already filled our quota of workplaces to get banned from
Reply
nia Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 11:54 pm
@The Champ,
Reply
Dom Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 12:05 pm
@Monk,
I just saw that last weekend! That scene was funny.
Reply
I personally scream out “damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead” so “release the hounds” doesn’t seem all that far fetched.
Reply
overit Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 10:58 am
@kamakula, LOL, “onward” is a great one too.
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i’ve never had noisy (screwing like bunnies) neighbors. i even share a wall with my roommate and i’ve never heard any sounds creep through the wall on any of the many nights she and her boyfriend were on the other side. i wonder if they even have sex. i can’t imagine them bumping uglies. then again, i don’t want to have such images.
that said, i’m pretty sure EYE awakened HER one strange night that involved a foreign film, peppermints, and a stethoscope. don’t ask. but unless they can sleep through fire alarms, she likely heard my loud falsetto.
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Peyso Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 9:42 am
@Gem-balaya, ur gonna have to explain how you used “foreign film, peppermints, and a stethoscope.” You sound like MacGuyver and sh*T
Reply
Gem-balaya Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 10:40 am
LOL well i am rather talented…
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Ivy St. Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 10:13 am
@Gem-balaya,
WHAAAAT?!?!?! I wanna know what u are talking about.
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miss t-lee Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 10:20 am
@Ivy St.,
I figured out the peppermints and stethoscope, I’m still trying to figure out what was up with the foreign film…lol
Reply
Me fail english? Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 10:33 am
@miss t-lee,
What?! I’m through wit BOAF uh yous!
blackberry molasses Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 10:36 am
@miss t-lee,
foreign film…..role play??? I’m guessing role-play.
I find the incorporation of foreign languages seems to… nevermind, Imma shut my azz up now.
miss t-lee Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 10:39 am
@blackberry molasses,
It could be role-play… hmmm
I’m thinking they started out reading the subtitles and then it got a little bit too involved, so that’s where the peppermints came in?
Gem-balaya Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 11:00 am
you are pretty good at this guessing game
Gem-balaya Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 10:38 am
@miss t-lee,
i don’t think you REALLY know lol
miss t-lee Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 10:41 am
@Gem-balaya,
You’re right, I probably don’t. I’m just thinking how it would go down if it was my situation…lmao.
overit Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 11:02 am
@miss t-lee, You’re right, I probably don’t. I’m just thinking how it would go down if it was my situation…lmao.
i knew that’s what you were doing lol.
miss t-lee Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 11:10 am
@ overit
hee-hee!!!
Gem-balaya Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 10:39 am
@Ivy St.,
LOL you know the guy. the details aren’t really important
Reply
Ivy St. Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 10:43 am
@Gem-balaya,
Another thing, does the balaya hyphenated name imply you’ve been cooking or that I should stop by for a free dinner sometime this week?!?!
Reply
Gem-balaya Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 10:58 am
lol ummmm no ma’am. but i was thinking about making a mexican feast for cinco de mayo. if it goes down you’re def welcome to come by and enjoy!!
Reply
The Champ Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 11:30 am
@Gem-balaya,
can i come?????????
Gem-balaya Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 11:33 am
that’s what she said.
Ivy St. Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 12:14 pm
@Gem-balaya,
LOL!
overit Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 12:56 pm
@Gem-balaya, good answer, but i was reallllly praying that when i scrolled down, you would have said:
no.
The Champ Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 1:50 pm
@Gem-balaya,
lol, good one.
overit Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 11:03 am
@Ivy St., always thinking about food, lol.
Reply
Ivy St. Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 12:14 pm
@overit,
I caint help it! LOL!
FiveFivewithbrowneyes Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 10:49 am
@Gem-balaya,
Gemmie, Gemmie, Gem get it shawty…if you were doing with the mints what I *ahem* read about; is it true what they say?
Reply
N.I.A Happy Cinco De Mayo!!!! Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 11:19 am
@Gem-balaya,
an old homieloverexboyfriend of mind liked to use either altoids or listerine strips that dissolve in your mouth seconds before the tongue hit the jewel…yeah, I’m sure there are c/o ‘04-’05 who lived in the suites who could attest to how well those things work….
Reply
The Champ Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 11:33 am
@Gem-balaya,
i did the peppermint thing once, and it just felt like someone rubbed some vicks on my d*ck. tinglily wangs aint gangsta
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oh and, Champie, you’re welcome for enjoying my company this past weekend. we all have to do it again some time.
yay pgh-vsb!!!! we are a great group
Reply
pgh muse Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 8:01 am
@Gem-balaya,
yes we do Gemmie. Mmmmm! Brownies!
Reply
Ivy St. Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 10:12 am
@Gem-balaya,
Speaking of do it again some time, we need to get our spades game back on. The cards have been against us as of late.
PGH-VSBers RULE!!
Reply
Gem-balaya Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 10:41 am
@Ivy St.,
must be the cards. maybe we need to spend more time together and get our chi back in line or something. becuz we don’t LOSE!!
Reply
The Champ Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 11:35 am
@Gem-balaya,
becuz we don’t LOSE!!
you’re right. you two don’t lose…you get demolished.
WuDaMan Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 11:59 am
@The Champ,
Yeah I totally thought boston was coming to the spades game for them two. LOL
Ivy St. Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 12:16 pm
@The Champ,
Please take your bad energy somewhere else. Next time… we’ll get you my pretty *voice of the wicked witch of the west*
Being the single hornee (bitter) sister in “finals week hell” that I am at this moment in time, I’d beat the the crap of that adjoining wall with a broom handle yelling “Shut the pluck up over there! If I’m not getting any, Nobody’s getting any! (insert maniacal laughter here).” Lol, I’m joking (kinda sorta).
But really I would just stuff my ears with my Skull Candy noise canceling earphones and get as far away from that wall as possible in my room. I fit into the category “C) disgust at your arousal.” My mind is telling me nooooooOOOOooo but MY BODY…MY BODY’s telling me YEEEEEeeeeeEEEEEsSSSSSS!!! geez if I don’t get some satisifaction soon, I’m liable to going crazy.
Reply
charli skipper Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 12:50 am
@Blu Skyez,
right! i hate being celibate. until an extra wack guy comes along and makes me remember the reason for putting the clank clank down. do you know a guy actually said to me, “do you wanna go somewhere and make out? hell naw. chile, i’m celibate*.” but um…i digress and sh*t.
Reply
PrincesMo Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 10:29 am
@ Blu Skyez: “My mind is telling me nooooooOOOOooo but MY BODY…MY BODY’s telling me YEEEEEeeeeeEEEEEsSSSSSS!!!”
lol i can just picture ur inner turmoil…and especially during finals! i feel ur pain girl lol!
@charli skipper,
I can esp feel ur pain, i’ve been celibate almost 3 yrs and it’s getting increasingly hard during these TET to stay that way lol…but i’m gonna keep on with the keepin on!
Reply
Me fail english? Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 10:36 am
@PrincesMo,
“My mind is telling me nooooooOOOOooo but MY BODY…MY BODY’s telling me YEEEEEeeeeeEEEEEsSSSSSS!!!”
*DEADED*
Dom Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 12:09 pm
@charli skipper,
Just send out a text “Its finals, Im stressed, lets have sex” to a couple folks. That should clear that problem right up!
Reply
Lili Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 1:08 am
@Blu Skyez,
I compleeeeeeeeeeeetely understand. This has been a less than (physically) fulfilling semester and throwing finals on top doesn’t help.
I’m happy for anyone doing the do; it’s just bittersweet when I’m not partaking in the festivities.
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Leila Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 2:00 am
@Blu Skyez, “I’d beat the the crap of that adjoining wall with a broom handle yelling “Shut the pluck up over there! If I’m not getting any”
I hear my neighbors from time to time and that’s my first reaction lol…
Reply
ESQuared Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 7:49 am
@Blu Skyez, Points for Rocking the SK headphones…thats my brand and sh*t.
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The Champ Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 11:40 am
@Blu Skyez,
Being the single hornee (bitter) sister in “finals week hell” that I am at this moment in time, I’d beat the the crap of that adjoining wall with a broom handle yelling “Shut the pluck up over there! If I’m not getting any, Nobody’s getting any!
***this passage is also found in the “ten steps to making your hymen grow back” handbook***
Reply
catch me on a slow day and i’ll be the person listening with the glass and peroxide…..but then i’ll get sad and feel guilty when i go out and public. like people can see freakiness in my eyes and feel it radiating off my soul.
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charli skipper Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 12:46 am
@charli skipper,
unless they both ugly.
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Carver The Great! Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 10:10 am
@charli skipper,
“if you fine and freaky, then that’s cute, but if you ugly and freaky, then that’s just plain damn nasty!”
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Me fail english? Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 10:37 am
@Carver The Great!,
This is the primary problem I have with loud chex. Most guys are NOT chexually attractive and chex is some pretty nasty ish to begin with…the visual combo makes me wanna call Earl
Carver The Great! Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 10:43 am
@Me fail english?,
most guys are NOT chexually attractive…what the sh*t does that mean?
Me fail english? Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 10:50 am
@Carver The Great!,
I’m personally not chexually attracted to most men. Even the ones I think are handsome and have nice bodies are whatever. There’s gotta be some sorta fifth dimension aura chi to make me wanna hump a dude. Can’t describe it.
PrincesMo Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 10:51 am
@Carver The Great!,
lol have u seen the seinfeld episode about good naked and bad naked, i think it has something to do with that, that is unless u look like Idris Elba **daydreaming**…
Gem-balaya Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 11:03 am
@Me fail english?
girrrrl i am so with you on that!!!! i thought i was the only one. there are very few men who i can even imagine giving a kiss let alone getting it crackin with.
blackberry molasses Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 11:19 am
@Me fail….
**whew** I thought I was the only one. Men just don’t get that the ‘visual turn on’ is not a mechanism for females. We don’t work that way. For us, many more senses are involved.
Granted, you can’t look like the Crypt Keeper and still get it… but unless its been a MINUTE since I’ve gotten some, freaking Boris could walk in my room naked… I’ll look up, smile and prally blush and giggle…
charli skipper Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 1:42 pm
@Me fail english?,
“I’m personally not chexually attracted to most men. Even the ones I think are handsome and have nice bodies are whatever. There’s gotta be some sorta fifth dimension aura chi to make me wanna hump a dude. Can’t describe it.”
No, I totally agree with what you’re saying. And that’s why it kills me when dudes think they can be sexy by looking a certain or doing a certain pose with their bodies. Fool, you are not sexy. Unless you do something that reaches my spirit, like detailing my car. I’m actually usually more attracted to ugly men. They fight so hard. lol
charli skipper Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 1:48 pm
@charli skipper, I’m sorry–chexy.
Me fail english? Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 2:10 pm
@charli skipper,
LOL. This also makes me laugh. I wish I could send out a memo.
5/5/9
To All Men:
Anything you’re thinking about doing to look chexy, will be patently un-chexy. This includes, excessive lip-licking, boudoir eyes and inappropriate date questions (including but not limited to “Are you a freak?”).
The Women
Me fail english? Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 8:51 am
@charli skipper,
“like people can see freakiness in my eyes and feel it radiating off my soul.”
HAH! Lay off that “stuff” B.
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charli skipper Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 1:50 pm
@Me fail english?,
I can’t help it. It’s calling me!
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Me fail english? Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 2:11 pm
@charli skipper,
“You owe Pook! You owe”
*Rips Charli off of “prom fiend” in abandoned subway station*
LOL This brings back memories…
I recall getting down in the dorm with my ex one night…yrs ago…
I tend to be quite boisterous…we tended to be noisy…I guess we were in the zone, rocking a little too much…my neighbor started banging on the wall, so we stopped. My ex was like “hm…” and banged his fist on the wall right back at my neighbor, then resumed! I loved the fact that he did that…and it just made it more fun. Then I exited my dorm room with all the 2520s in the common area smiling and clapping as I walked by.
**Soooo embarrassed**
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Lili Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 1:27 am
@Lili,
So I guess that neighbor was disgruntled.
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Peyso Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 9:44 am
@Lili, we used to do that too. Just stand outside of the room and wait for kneegrows to come out the room and applaud lol
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The Champ Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 11:43 am
@Lili,
so basically you got two standing o’s?
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Me fail english? Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 3:05 pm
@The Champ,
*ba-dun-dun*
Champ’ll be here all week folks. Be sure to tip your waitress!
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@ the Champ,
“more cowbell” LMAO. Too funny.
In my last apartment I could only hear the squeaking bed of the couple above me (never an actual voices…bummer.) I guess my floor was going through a dry spell. But the 3rd floor was jumping.
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The Champ Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 11:44 am
@Ms. Hall,
But the 3rd floor was jumping.
and by the 3rd floor you mean “my futon” right?
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DEAD at “release the hounds” or “increase the pounds”… lawd-a-mercy.
although i’ll officially be done the day i hear someone do like dave chappelle: “aaaaah – aaaaaah – aaaaaaaaaaah —- SIKE! this ain’t over yet!!!”
i’d probably start playing some “wrap it up” award show style music, if i overheard my neighbours doing the do.
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Me fail english? Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 8:53 am
@puff,
“i’d probably start playing some “wrap it up” award show style music, if i overheard my neighbours doing the do”
Like this stuff is on the ready on your IPod? Y’all are killing me today!
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I’d go for the contest… after listening for a bit in shock.
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My S.O. tends to be loud (for which i take all the credit and make fun of her for after) but i have to agree with the contest (this sometimes isnt a good idea however. It might start some sort of chain reaction. While in general a world with people having better and more good chex would be good for everyone, having simultanious noise violations issued for a whole floor or apartment building is not the business…lmao
and finally i pose this question. What if they are a young couple, who engages in chex for hours at a time? or even worse takes deceptive breaks? (ex. you JUST think your about to drop off to sleep at 3am after finishing a paper and…d@mn here they go AGAIN!)
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Peyso Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 9:47 am
@ESQuared, who is going to complain if the whole floor is doing it? how you gonna get them noise violations then….
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ESQuared Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 12:03 pm
@Peyso, because its just a floor. the folks above and possibly below you might be some haters. “Pllllllease dont be hatin!” lol
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peachi Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 9:59 am
@ESQuared,
“or even worse takes deceptive breaks? (ex. you JUST think your about to drop off to sleep at 3am after finishing a paper and…d@mn here they go AGAIN!)”
haha, definitely had this happen to me (4 times in one night!). And it didn’t help that the chick was EXTRA loud. I got up and started stompin’ around so they knew I could hear ‘em (they stay a floor below me). I haven’t had any other issues since then. I guess it kinda embarrassed him because I’m always running into him…
But I was SOOO tempted to leave a note under his door if it became a regular occurrence…
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The Champ Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 11:47 am
@peachi,
But I was SOOO tempted to leave a note under his door if it became a regular occurrence…
lol, yeah…i bet.
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ESQuared Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 12:11 pm
@peachi, “yo, on the real? for real?” i have to be honest…i wouldnt be embarassed in the slightest. If her vocal oupourings of lust filled banshee speek had anything to do with my preformance I would look at you with the “oh yeah, you can get it like that too…you know…how you need it” face. lmao
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PrincesMo Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 3:22 pm
@ESQuared,
“I would look at you with the “oh yeah, you can get it like that too…you know…how you need it” face.”
LOL ur a fool! I’m done
peachi Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 7:09 pm
@ESQuared,
haha, trust…i’m good
i just appreciate my sleep. he prolly found out she was fakin’ b/c he’s on to somebody new. she’s not half as loud, and (fortunately) i can sleep through the wall bangin’
The Champ Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 11:46 am
@ESQuared,
having simultanious noise violations issued for a whole floor or apartment building is not the business…lmao
this sounds like a plan, lol. i definitely live in a building where this could be pulled off
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The Champ Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 11:48 am
@ESQuared,
or even worse takes deceptive breaks? (ex. you JUST think your about to drop off to sleep at 3am after finishing a paper and…d@mn here they go AGAIN!)
this happened to me a month or so ago. i seriously think the bf must have just got back from prison or iraq
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overit Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 1:02 pm
@The Champ, this happened to me a month or so ago. i seriously think the bf must have just got back from prison or iraq
i hate u, lol.
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ESQuared Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 1:25 pm
@overit, no hate today. we are promoting peace, love, and amazing chex for eveyone. (even you celibate VSB’ers. You can turn it down but I hope you get a solid offer from someone that can put it on you like some of the wonderful freaky stories that have graced the comments today. lmao)
overit Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 1:51 pm
@ESQuared, peace, love, and amazing chex.
t-shirt!
blackberry molasses Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 2:52 pm
@overit,
i second that!
SouthernGirl Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 3:24 pm
@overit,
YES!!!
I don’t think my current neighbors get down. If they do they’re really, really quiet. I haven’t heard a peep from them in dayum near four years…lmao
I got my ex in touble once. He got way too many “late night noise” complaints from his neightbors and his apartment manager was trying to threaten him with fines and ish.
He tried to act like he was upset, but I know that it was really just gravy for his ego.
Oh yeah…go for the contest, and more cowbell!!!
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The Champ Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 11:49 am
@miss t-lee,
He tried to act like he was upset, but I know that it was really just gravy for his ego.
lol, he probably posted that citation on his mailbox for all to see
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I only had this issue once. There was a couple that lived next door to me and although they did not go at it that often when they did it was quite loud and animated. I guess it was fortunate for them I was not seeing anyone at the time, so no echo of copulating piercing the walls from my apartment.
Before I got married I shared a common wall with my youngest son in the house that we live in now. He is a very light sleeper. Sorta like me so after my marido came on board we would the TV up in an effort to drown out any unmistakable noises. We eventually solved that problem by doing a total renovation of our personal living space. He now shares a wall with our closet. Until we are overcome with the urge to get it on in there he is safe. Well come to think of it he will be either moving further down the hall to his brother’s room or to the guest room downstairs. The baby will be getting his room. Danggit. I tend to go on and on. My mind sometimes runs a mile a minute. Sorry yall, where were we?
Oh yeah, it can be arousing and it can be hilarious listening in.
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Ivy St. Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 10:15 am
@Raqi,
“we would the TV up in an effort to drown out any unmistakable noises.”
That was nice of you. I doubt my parents even tried. lol
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overit Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 1:53 pm
@Ivy St., “That was nice of you. I doubt my parents even tried. lol”
my mom did. my dad didn’t…made for some awkward times lol.
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This brings back memories of undergrad. I think I heard my neighbors at least once every year…first year, a dude yealled out “ooohhh shyt, d@mn girl!!” I was just sitting in my room studying, and then a voice with some bass yelled that out. Scared me b/c I hadn’t heard anything at all that night b4 that…he was probably getting some throat….
I’ve been known to be a little loud…but my friend at the time didn’t care b/c he knew he was putting it on me…however, I had to face his roomy who would repeat my moans and groans on occassion. Luckily, he also had a loud gf, so we just made fun of each other.
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The Champ Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 11:51 am
@N.I.A Happy Cinco De Mayo!!!!,
I’ve been known to be a little loud…but my friend at the time didn’t care b/c he knew he was putting it on me…however, I had to face his roomy who would repeat my moans and groans on occassion. Luckily, he also had a loud gf, so we just made fun of each other.
damn. i miss college sometimes
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Dom Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 12:27 pm
@N.I.A Happy Cinco De Mayo!!!!,
Yeah, theres still a couple of folks I cant look square in the eye. I was told the roomate wore headphones but I know thats a dam* lie!
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upping the ante is a great way to get them to simmer down…especially if you are louder than the other woman…it may hurt the man’s ego
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I had two incidents of overhearing…get this…oral.
Yup, it was Spring Fling one year, which generally meant nothing to us darkies but that ish was the biz for 2520s. One of my suitemates was rushing (or maybe she was in at that point) a white sorority so she was partying HARD. She comes in sloppy drunk with some dude we’d never seen before and takes him straight to the bedroom. No biggie. She’s “adventurous” like that. Me and the other roomie resume getting ready for our big night out. Ya know, the whole girl ritual, loud music trying on clothes, makeup, etc. And all of a sudden what do we hear???
*Slurp* *Burp* *Slurp* *Burp* *Gag*
She was sucking the skin off it!!!! What made this bad is that, me and roomie #2 were in my room 2 doors down which shares no walls with this chick’s bedroom. Also, her door was closed and my music was on. Now that’s talent!
*************
The other time I’m minding my business sleeping and my roomie brings home some random freshman. So I’m thinking “aint no way her upperclassmen, wifed up self just brought home the frosh to bone”. No. Way.
So after they bone, this dude goes back downtown. Mind you, he’s a freshie, it’s September, they just meet and she has a man.
*Slurp* *Moan* *Slurp* *Moan* *Shriek*
*Gag* (that’s me)
And this fool had the nerve to come out and drink my mouthwash straight off the bottle to kill the aftertaste! I threw the bottle out the next morning and was beefing with the roomie forevermore.
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AngelicNastyness Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 9:33 am
@Me fail english?,
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhh at the mouthwash !!!!
Damn.
To this day my old roommate mocks me when she’s drinking through a straw. .”*Slurp* Smack* Burp* Bring back memories Roomie?”
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AngelicNastyness Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 9:34 am
*Hangs head in shame yet smirks with devilish pride
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Peyso Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 9:51 am
@Me fail english?, on the real, i think i know that dude
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Me fail english? Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 10:21 am
@Peyso,
Which one? You def. know the second dude but you may not be thinking about the right person.
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Peyso Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 10:38 am
@Me fail english?, the second one is the dude im talkin about and i feel like he’s from the west coast. But hey, I may be wrong
Me fail english? Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 10:52 am
@Peyso,
Nah, not him.
But how many of you class of ‘08ers drank my effin mouthwash?!?!
Peyso Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 10:58 am
@Me fail english?, o wow, then its someone i dont know then. My only other guess was this dude from Jersey but for some reason i dont think it was him (his breathe always smelled like trash)
Me fail english? Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 11:06 am
@Peyso,
You DEFINITELY know him. There weren’t but so many colored males living in DuBois (actually, I’m not sure he lived there but he was always in that betch). I wasn’t hanging out on campus by the time yall got there but he seemed popular from what I can tell. And if I’m right about who you are, you were popular as well. So in the grand tradition of blacks at the ivy tower, you at least went to several parties with dude as a freshie.
That’s all I’m gonna say, as I’m sure nobody wants to be known for eating random pum…
Peyso Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 11:20 am
@Me fail english?, I know who he is, I’m pretty sure you know who I am, but I still dont know who you are. this game is weird. IM me so we can figure this out please Mudeuce07
Me fail english? Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 11:38 am
@Peyso,
Damn I haven’t been on AIM since like ‘07. I don’t see u online tho.
Carver The Great! Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 10:28 am
@Me fail english?,
“So after they bone, this dude goes back downtown. ”
“And this fool had the nerve to come out and drink my mouthwash straight off the bottle to kill the aftertaste!”
he sounds like me…besides, alcohol kills germs, what you trippin’ about haha
*ducks items that were hailed at him*
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Me fail english? Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 10:57 am
@Carver The Great!,
So now I’ve got his poon germs floating all in my Listerine?! I was seething, but too embarassed to come out and say something. That ninja owes me $4.68 and I expect Peyso to arrange the paypal wire transfer.
Thanks in advance.
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Carver The Great! Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 11:18 am
@Me fail english?,
a wise man once said “you deserve what you tolerate” haha
Me fail english? Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 11:31 am
@Carver The Great!,
*sneaks in your apt to piss in your OJ*
Carver The Great! Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 12:25 pm
@Me fail english?,
thankfully, i stopped drinkin’ oj after orenthal got locked up for stealing his own sh*t…
after you beat a murder charge you ain’t s’posed to get arrested for NOTHING (c) Katt Williams,
thus i quit anything related to oj
…unless of course i’m makin’ the trap go “aye!”
Yaa Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 12:44 pm
@Me fail english?, I AM DONE!!!!
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4) Grab a pizza box and a baseball cap and knock on their door and ask if anyone ordered a pizza.
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Me fail english? Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 9:53 am
@Dr. J,
Extra points if the box is empty.
Bonus points if after they say no you say “Well can I come in anyway?
“
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V Renee Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 10:40 am
@Me fail english?,
Hilarious!
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thismayconcernyou Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 11:59 am
@Me fail english?,
WOOOOWWWW, that is too much playing. You just wanna see if they’re dumb enough to answer the door with no clothes, and sweated the hell out. lol.
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I’d add enough volume to whatever room I’m in to drown out the sound be it with something on the television or some tunes.
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WuDaMan Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 10:07 am
I could understand this or even going for a walk to the corner store. Immiatly.
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Ivy St. Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 10:16 am
@WuDaMan,
That would be a looong walk.
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blackberry molasses Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 10:42 am
@Ivy St.,
Around the park, after dark. Find a spot to spark conversation verbal elation stimulation……..
overit Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 11:11 am
@blackberry molasses, Share our situations, temptations, education, relaxations
Elevations, maybe we can talk about Surah 31:18
you know i had to lol. go ‘head on ms. scott, her new show rocks!
WuDaMan Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 11:36 am
@overit, I thaught she said Sirach 31:18
Dom Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 12:34 pm
@overit,
I love that show! I am 100% addicted!
The scene last week where JLB’s housekeeper got flip, all I could think of was that J.Scott song “Youre getting in the waaaaayyyyy of what Im feeling!”
Do you know how many episodes are left?
overit Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 1:35 pm
@WuDaMan, nah she said surah cause that means chapter in arabic lol. she was coverin all the scriptures that day, and makin some new ones!
WuDaMan Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 4:34 pm
@overit,
Word is bond Overeasy. Sirach is a book in the Catholic Bible.
CreoleInDC Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 12:48 pm
@WuDaMan,
You bring me joy.
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WuDaMan Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 4:57 pm
@CreoleInDC,
*hides shamed face*
happy cinco de mayo
pueblo battle something or what have you
All this takes me back to freshman year in college. Two chicks next door to me got bunned up with some older cats on the floor. So…when I actually stayed in my room, sometimes overpowering the jamiroquai blasting in my head phones I would hear Big B and His girl tearing shyt up next door. I never wanted to be privy to it…something about buffalo mating calls and Biggie inspired grunts was never arousing. The roommates were no better, often times fighting for about 45 minutes before f*cking the dogsnot out of each other.
The only time it’s ever been arousing was when I was doing it. I’m good like that.
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TastyKake215 Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 9:56 am
@CPT Callamity, Uh I love Jamiroquai!
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CPT Callamity Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 10:00 am
@TastyKake215,
Space Cowboy…all day!
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Dom Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 12:36 pm
@CPT Callamity,
Dont forget Virtual Insanity! I just bought a pair of huge sunglasses. I call them My Jamiroquais
blackberry molasses Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 1:20 pm
@Dom,
I remember the first time I got really done off the alcohol in college. I thought I was living the vid for that song… moving floors and all. Good times.
CPT Callamity Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 2:01 pm
@blackberry molasses,
If you listen to the lyrics of Space Cowboy and then observe me between the hours of 7 and 11…you’ll see why it’s my favorite.
blackberry molasses Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 3:31 pm
@CPT Callamity,
I will pay for video of this. Please forward to my blog post haste.
I used to work nights which put me getting home just as my boy was doing his best Wesley Pipes routine!! The tv is in the living room which is back to back with his room AND his bathroom was about 10ft from my favorite couch. So not only did I have to hear,”oh you up in this p*ssy!” And,”take this and you betta not move!” I also after everything was over had to witness the had to be embarrasing post-throwdown walk to the bathroom. Also, I felt embarrassed! Like I was listening in or something. I mean I was but the alternative was being sent to my room like a child. This went on for at least 6 months. Either I liked hearing my boy smash random ladies or I was too cheap to buy a tv. I ended up getting a tv the day after I had company and she and I listened in horror as some chickenhead cussed and grunted for an hour. I guess that was my motivation. Now the roles are reversed since the pc is near my room and he’s on a myspace kick so he gets to hear me “do my thang” I’m gonna say listening in is not cool if you live with the person and cool if you don’t. Too much could get out I mean what if it gets good to me and I scream or something how can I show my face in the barbershop aka the living room again.
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The Champ Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 12:01 pm
@GainesvilleGreen,
I’m gonna say listening in is not cool if you live with the person and cool if you don’t
i had a teammate in college who’d tell us stories about pastor chasing while overhearing his roomie and his girl. he was canadian, though, so we never made a big deal out of it
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blackberry molasses Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 12:29 pm
@The Champ,
I’ve warned you before, eh.
Lay off the Kanucks.
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The Champ Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 1:53 pm
@blackberry molasses,
kanuck deez
blackberry molasses Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 2:48 pm
@The Champ,
Is that the name of the chapter in your book The Secret Life of DEEZ that describes your Caribana Follies? I can’t wait to read it.
Herself Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 8:59 pm
@The Champ,
I’m late but I’m still gonna comment.
I am Canadian. I am also that neighbour who has the loud chex. I can’t help it, I’m vocal. I project when I speak and I project when I do the Do. I also live in an an apartment building where I can hear my neighbours having the loud chex. It doesn’t bother me. I listen and watch the clock to see how long they go for. I’m curious like that. *shrug* I’m sure one of these days I’m going to get a formal complaint from building management but until then I don’t care.
I’ll say this much: No dude has ever told me to keep it down. They LOVE the encouragement/reinforcement. It’s a huge ego boost apparently.
So Champ, Caribana you say?……
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It’s awkard being told by neighbors to keep it down while you are bringin in the groceries. It’s like what can u possibly say in that situation, ’sorry, i won’t enjoy it as much next time’ . Now I just play the avoidance game.
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Me fail english? Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 10:45 am
@TastyKake215,
Lol. I’ve become immune to it. You know how when the relationship is new and you’re humping like bunnies. Well my bf’s whole neighborhood knows me now cuz we was doin it in public, outdoors, in the elevator, etc.
The men would just nod and smile, the women…not so much.
I’m a total hypocrite though. I don’t even like to catch people kissing in public. And will side-eye them to shame. *barf, barf, barf* Eff it tho. I’m the mayor, betch!
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There was this freshman that I was talkin to. She lived with 3 international students. All of them small and 2520s. When we frolicked, she tended to be OD loud (I once questioned was she faking). One day we get a knock a door during out regularly scheduled afternoon romp. We think its a roommate so we ignore it. They knock again and we keep going. Next thing I know is that the campus police are running in. These international students thought i was beating her and not in a good way. You try explaining what’s going on to a fat woman cop and a skinny black cop while standing in your drawers and whipped cream is dripping off of the ceiling
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Gem-balaya Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 10:50 am
LMAO
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Dom Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 12:39 pm
@Peyso,
SMDH There are no words.
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LMAO! This is definitely an awkward situation. I have been on both sides of the wall. I can always tell when my neighbors have heard me because they act nervous when they greet me and try not to make eye contact.
I remember when I was a kid and we’d hear the man upstairs from us humpin (can I say humpin??). My mom would be walking around nervously trying to play it off by repeating “WALLY MUST BE UP THERE HAVING A PARTY!” or “WALLY MUST BE MOVING FURNITURE”. She’d either try to cover up the sounds with music or cut the television up really loudly. It was hilarious.
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miss t-lee Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 10:17 am
@Yaa,
“WALLY MUST BE MOVING FURNITURE”.”
He was moving furniture alright…lol
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Me fail english? Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 10:24 am
@Yaa,
LMAO!! That’s so embarassing! My father always talks about how he could hear my sister screwing her boyfriend. I cringe; she just says “so”.
We’re a traditional, conservative family.
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blackberry molasses Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 10:41 am
@Me fail english?,
Can I spend a weekend with your family? I feel like it will be a perpetual case of the gigglefits for me.
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Me fail english? Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 10:53 am
@blackberry molasses,
We’ve already prepared your room
blackberry molasses Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 11:12 am
@Me fail english?,
SHWEEEEET!!!
Ivy St. Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 10:29 am
@Yaa,
“I can always tell when my neighbors have heard me because they act nervous when they greet me and try not to make eye contact.”
or avoid sitting next to you on the bus. LMAO!
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Yaa Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 12:37 pm
@Ivy St., “or avoid sitting next to you on the bus”. FUNNY AS HELL!!
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Nicki Sunshine Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 11:15 am
@Yaa, I am in tears after reading your mom’s responses.. that is the funniest thing ever.
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Is it a bad thing that I’m a habitual line-crosser in this department? And that I kinda do it on purpose? There’s a name for that… oh, right EXHIBITIONIST.
In undergrad I was an RA for 3 years and I had a double single that was directly across from the common lounge and the elevators. Contrary to popular belief… brick does not a good sound proofer make. My nickname amongst my residents was “Screaming Mimi” One time it apparently got so bad, that a transfer student called the cops because she thought I was getting choked up by my man. I think her suitemates failed to let her know what was up…
Currently, my sweet man and I are the resident ‘noise polluters’ in our otherwise quiet condo community. But I think we have inspired our neighbors, because now, we randomly hear things that we didn’t hear when we moved in. So I call it performing ‘community service’.
Eff what ya heard, good monkey-chex makes the world go ’round.
Everyone is happier when they’re getting some.
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Ivy St. Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 10:22 am
@blackberry molasses,
Get it! I say, make as much noise as you want. If you can’t be loud in your own home, where can u be loud… well *day dreaming* there is always…
Great s*x is meant to be enjoyed. It’s like being in very entertaining play. Everyone has their part. If you aren’t in the play, then you have to watch or in this case, listen.
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The Champ Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 12:05 pm
@Ivy St.,
Great s*x is meant to be enjoyed. It’s like being in very entertaining play. Everyone has their part. If you aren’t in the play, then you have to watch or in this case, listen.
**nodding head and sh*t**
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Gem-balaya Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 10:53 am
lmao get it squirrel!! go head then!! if ya wanna!!
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Ivy St. Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 12:19 pm
@Gem-balaya,
Oh do I miss our daily g-chat laughs so! How ab0ut late last night, I was STILL laughing at our convo.
Guesstures anyone!
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Gem-balaya Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 1:04 pm
lmao yeah man, that was a good time. i was dying laughing. YOU are frikkin hilarious. next time we get guesstures going we need to make sure all the cards that require body exposure are in the stack for the boys team LOL
my neighbors were getting it in the other day, but all i heard was this banging sound against the wall. i got tight and went over there to yell at them…just before i knocked on the door i realized it was prolly their headboard hahahaha
…i went back home and got on the phone, silently thanking my neighbors for the motivation
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Aight real talk. What’s the deal w/ apts n thin walls? I hear my upstairs neighbors. They have hard wood floors. Which is what I thaught I was getting w/ my apt. But nooooo. 1st floor n some other perks were more important. Long story short. I can hear them. Sometimes It comes through the walls not the cieling. Their headboard must be up against a load bearing part of the wall. I’ll never forget the first time I heard em. They was gettin it in prolly doggie stile. then he went to ‘jamaica’ cuz she started in w/ the moaning. mh mh mh. It all got bad when one of the arguments popped off. Ole girl was a rape vic. N somebody told a 3rd party. Needless to say “YOU DON’T TELL NOBODY ‘SHE’ BEEN RAPED.” It got a little less cehcksie.
Happy Cinco de Mayo Arrriririiiriririrri(trundeling r’s)riririrririririiiiii
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Ivy St. Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 10:28 am
@WuDaMan,
“hey was gettin it in prolly doggie stile. then he went to ‘jamaica’ cuz she started in w/ the moaning. mh mh mh. ”
LMAO! This reminds me of my upstairs neighbors. Then again I am not sure they lived there, since I only heard them in their apartment once. Anyway, they were having loud sex one day. Normally, I would ignore this or find the closest man but this time I listened. I couldn’t figure out what they were doing exactly. I know knew they were having sex but the noises were odd. I could hear them rolling around in an office chair and then weird things I couldn’t identify. To this day, I’m not sure what they were doing. It made me laugh. I gotta find out what kind of props they were using.
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The Champ Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 12:07 pm
@Ivy St.,
ask and sh*t, or just walk up there, ask for some butter, and do a quick apartment inventory inspection
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Ivy St. Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 12:21 pm
@The Champ,
LMAO! They had sex and left. I could barely get to the window fast enough to see what they looked like. I NEVER saw them again.
WuDaMan Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 4:38 pm
@Ivy St.,
*shaking fist*
Random room chexers
OMG you must live in my neighborhood or something. My older neighbor (meaning parents’ age) must have gotten hold of some Viagra because for about 2 weeks he was going STRONG! This man would have probably put some of you young buckaroos to shame.
This one night, he seriously was grunting/panting/phucking for 12 hours straight. He started one night, I listened for a while, then went in the living room and watched a couple of shows on tv. I go to take a shower, he’s still going at. I get out the shower, still going at it. I watch tv/play on the internet, he’s still going at it. I fall asleep on the couch, wake up about 3 to get in the bed, this mofo is STILL GOING AT IT. I fall asleep, get up about 11 am, he is STILL GOING AT IT! I imagine they had to have take a nap or two..all I know is that for over 12 hours I heard them sexing.
I was quite baffled, amused, slightly aroused, jealous, mad, happy. Pretty much any and every emotion you can imagine.
Of course I went into competition mode the next night. I can’t let an old man beat me. Can I???????
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The Champ Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 12:10 pm
@V Renee,
is your neighbor the man from the “Dos Equis” commercials?
http://dosequis.com/
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miss t-lee Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 12:14 pm
@The Champ,
I love the kat from the Dos Equis commercials!!!!
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V Renee Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 2:05 pm
@The Champ,
Yup. Except his black. Other than that, same person!
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Sula Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 5:01 pm
@The Champ,
Can you believe I actually thought the Dos Equis man was a bona fide celebrity I didn’t know about. *smh*
I love him though.
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Hilarious!
My neigherbor in college had the loudest freaky chex ever! Like I’m scarred because of it. Her bed wasn’t even on the same side of the room as my wall. I would literally go three doors down to a friends room to go to sleep. It became so routine that I’d knock and say “mooove” and they knew the drill. And you could even hear then a lil still. Like honestly I wouldn’t even bring company around when I thought their session was in tow. And to make matters worst she had a crush on me cause she thought I had a sexy voice. So I don’t know if their loud chex was intentional. Ugh and for that reason I try not to be them in any situations…try being the keyword. Lol.
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The Champ Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 1:57 pm
@YaDaddyLikesIt,
So I don’t know if their loud chex was intentional
lol, probably. its free advertisement.
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Okay, its killing me not-s0-softly that the Google Ads for this post are:
“Soundproofing Apartment” and “Soundproofing Walls”
Google Ads are entirely too intelligent for my own good.
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The Champ Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 1:58 pm
@blackberry molasses,
yeah. thats a bit too freaky
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@gainesvillegreen I think I know u.
in my first apartment I had OLD downstairs neighbors who did it EVERY sunday @ 9am. never fail. woke me up every sunday which was a feat bec I sleep like the dead. but I never said anything until 1 day the dude got pissy with me bec a friend was over with her 3 yr old and he could hear the kid walking back n forth. some words were exchanged and the chick came up the next day to ‘talk’ which is when I dropped the sunday morn bombshell.
her expression priceless!
apparently she thought they were quieter than they really were.
thank u vsb for allowing me a forum to vent! lol
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The Champ Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 1:58 pm
@tdizzle,
welcome and sh*t
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Kilt me softly with “release the hounds”.
Okay, so in my complex there’s only two doors to a floor and I know my next door neighbor is this Jane Lynch/Jane Fonda hybrid who works for a psychiatrist. Um, I’ll pass.
Also, I fully condone using more cowbell.
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The Champ Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 2:03 pm
@Cheekie,
I know my next door neighbor is this Jane Lynch/Jane Fonda hybrid who works for a psychiatrist. Um, I’ll pass.
why? (from what ive heard) older woman are usually the most entertaining to listen to
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Cheekie Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 4:42 pm
@The Champ,
Oh yeah, no doubt it would be entertaining, I just wouldn’t be able to get that face outta my mind…especially considering Jane Lynch’s character in The 40 Year Old Virgin.
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Me fail english? Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 5:03 pm
@Cheekie,
Speaking of which, any spanish speakers wanna let me know what the hell that song was about?
All I caught was “un partido de futbol”
I had an apartment in Sac a number of years ago, and that used to happen ALL the time. I used to wonder how ole’ girl used to keep her do so tight, cause I could swear he was over there making her sweat out her perm.
At any rate, it wasn’t arousing, it was annoying as all get out, so I used to bang on the wall with the broom handle. Of course it didn’t stop them, but it was nice to try and annoy them as much as they were annoying me.
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The Champ Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 2:05 pm
@RedBeanzNRice,
“Of course it didn’t stop them, but it was nice to try and annoy them as much as they were annoying me.”
***this passage is also found in chapter 6 of “dusty: ten steps to making your hymen grow back”***
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overit Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 2:08 pm
@The Champ, ***this passage is also found in chapter 6 of “dusty: ten steps to making your hymen grow back”***
will you be passing out this literature @ the vsb bbq?
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blackberry molasses Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 2:45 pm
@overit,
the BBQ which will be on the 35th of Neveruary…..
miss t-lee Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 2:48 pm
@blackberry molasses,
Nope. It will be on the 12th of Never.
I can’t realate to this topic (thank goodness) but the closest thing that came to this is when I was living in a townhouse type of an apartment complex. The daughter next door was yelling at her dad telling him she hated living with them because she didn’t like hearing her dad & his girlfriend getting jiggy with it. Yuck.
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The Champ Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 2:07 pm
@pinksghetti,
The daughter next door was yelling at her dad telling him she hated living with them because she didn’t like hearing her dad & his girlfriend getting jiggy with it
lol…damn. how do you even respond to that?
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Me fail english? Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 3:02 pm
@The Champ,
“So move out bish!” seems like the most appropriate response here.
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I’ve been known to offer my own play-by-play when folks get too loud next door.
You know, tell old boy to handle his business, or tell old girl to let her man know he’s killing it.
This tends to get folks to quiet down and respect that fact that we live in an apartment complex, and she can’t use her rap studio voice…
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thismayconcernyou Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 11:57 am
@Big Man,
The play-by-play seems like a good way to comeback. But you need visuals for that, too. lol.
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I’ve done No. 3, and it’s almost like being involved in a pseudo-orgy. But it’s pseudo because of the wall, and that you’re just listening to the other couple bump uglies, and playing off of it. … It makes for a good night, though.
Um, I have a question … What is the reaction if the person you hear having sex is none other than the woman who birthed you? what if it’s not your pops she’s in bed with?
Curious to see people’s thoughts.
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RedBeanzNRice Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 12:00 pm
@thismayconcernyou,
“What is the reaction if the person you hear having sex is none other than the woman who birthed you? what if it’s not your pops she’s in bed with?”
You just stab out your eardrums with a fork.
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miss t-lee Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 12:04 pm
@thismayconcernyou,
Hurl yourself off the balcony?
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Voiceofreason Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 12:13 pm
@thismayconcernyou,
Um, I have a question … What is the reaction if the person you hear having sex is none other than the woman who birthed you? what if it’s not your pops she’s in bed with?
Ewwwwwwww! Cry. Then scream, “Get off my Mommy!” I’d like to think that the woman who birthed me did it once, and for one reason only…it was the least expensive way to bring me in to the world. Lol. Parental sex…pure nastiness.
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Gem-balaya Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 1:15 pm
lmao!!! in fact, indeed!!
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RedBeanzNRice Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 2:05 pm
@Gem-balaya,
Gem, hush. All your comments show that it’s FINALS WEEK, lol.
Gem-balaya Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 2:26 pm
i wouldn’t know, i had no classes this sem!!!!
blackberry molasses Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 2:42 pm
@Gem-balaya,
clearly, with all the interwebs f*ckery you have been perpetuating lately… LMAO
Me fail english? Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 1:59 pm
@Voiceofreason,
“I’d like to think that the woman who birthed me did it once, and for one reason only”
My dad says gypsies dropped me off in front of the supermarket. I never contested the story for that reason.
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Dom Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 12:50 pm
@thismayconcernyou,
Leave the house. Just get up and start walking and dont stop until you feel the sanity return. I ended up sleeping on the steps of the church praying to God for resounding deafness.
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charli skipper Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 2:01 pm
@thismayconcernyou,
thanks for putting me back on task.
*off to finish writing my paper, with a clear mind and clean heart*
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YGB Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 2:02 pm
@thismayconcernyou,
Just do what I did – sit in the tub, cry and eat everything in the fridge!
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This post reminds me of my days as a 1L living in a basement apartment on Long Island. One day I had the bright idea of getting up early in the morning to study. The walls were thin so I could hear my landlord’s entire morning routine. She made breakfast; sent her three children off to school; and got in about 10 minutes of chex before her husband headed off to work. I guess she went back to sleep after that because I couldn’t hear the TV or footsteps.
After two more early morning study sessions I decided it was best to get my reading done at the library. I just didn’t wanna hear that ish. I had to applaud the woman for sending her hubby off to work “right,” but it was hard for me to look at either of them after hearing them do their thing. I wasn’t disgusted, ’cause they were married with children. Logically, this was the best time for them to get things done. But I wasn’t aroused either. I just found it humorous.
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charli skipper Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 2:02 pm
@Voiceofreason,
awwww, did you say 1L? heeyyyyyyyyyyyyy, law person! lol
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Voiceofreason Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 2:12 pm
@charli skipper,
Lol. Hey back atcha!
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Muahahahaha!
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I’ve never had to listen to anyone getting it on. But I’ve been on the receiving end of complaints. One sticks out in my mind: Junior year of college I lived in my first real apartment and had my first real boyfriend. The combination led to many nights of trying new and exciting sh*t just because the parents weren’t around, just because we were no longer sharing a bedroom with roommates, just because we could.
I lived on the second floor of a two-story apartment complex with two other girls. Three guys lived beneath us. A guy named Mike had the room directly under mine. One day Mike and I arrived home at the same time and instead of waving, he gave me a look of disgust: “Yo, you and ole boy need to ease up. My ceiling is falling.” I didn’t believe him, so he took me inside. And sure enough, there were cracks in his ceiling and little bits of plaster all over the floor. Proof that I was putting down the good, good the night before.
I was initially embarrassed by this story. Now I’m slightly turned on.
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Dom Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 12:51 pm
@GiGi,
Lol!
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shoot…try coming home mid afternoon and hearing your *GAG*…your…*DRY HEAVE*…mother in law…*BLOWS CHUNKS*…getting her back blown by her “baby boy” ex con of a new husband.
I was traumatized, trapped on the stairs for a good 30 mins cuz i didn’t want them to know i was in the crib and too far in to exit gracefullly….The screaming, moaning, grunting…*EYES CLOSED TRYNA FIND MY HAPPY PLACE*….make it stop!!!
couldn’t look her in the eyes for a gooood min..definitely glad when they moved out.
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miss t-lee Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 12:23 pm
@BmoreCreative,
“I was traumatized, trapped on the stairs for a good 30 mins cuz i didn’t want them to know i was in the crib and too far in to exit gracefullly”
This sounds like quite the conundrum.
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V Renee Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 1:56 pm
@BmoreCreative,
OMG. Hilarious.
“Mama gotta have a life too”
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Hearing folks get down doesnt bother me, especially when I dont know them personally. But if they’re friends of mine I really dont need that visual junking up my mind space.
Few years ago I had to stay up for three days straight working on finals papers (Yes, I had procrastinated that long). Around 3 am my roomate proceeded to have the loudest screamingest a** slapingest sex in the history of man! After two hours of marathon sex I could hear them start up again in the shower. Ugh! I wanted to throw my ears in the trash.
Anyway, three cheers for Pastor Macing! Self love is the best love.
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The Champ Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 2:26 pm
@Dom,
Anyway, three cheers for Pastor Macing!
do you mind if i cheer with one hand?
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Dom Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 3:48 pm
@The Champ,
Aw shucks, why the hell not? I am! Gooo Me!
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As a common offender in this category, I must say that i relish my loud, sweaty, convulsion-inducing s3x. To quote the great John Legend…. “we just dont caaaaarreeee”…
HOWEVER… since i room with an evangelical nun it gets quite awkward when she knocks on the door during the DO to “borrow a pencil” or “use my full length mirror”…. mind you she’s a pre-med library rat who single handedly keeps office max in business during these TET (im getting the hang of the VSB lingo!!
) and doesnt have any concept of a coordinating outfits.
the boo and i simply lay nekkid until she leaves.. then resume. pssshhh thats what college memories are made of! lol.
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The Champ Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 3:14 pm
@CoCo,
sounds like your roommate needs some gotdamn
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CoCo Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 3:23 pm
@The Champ,
omg you talked to ME! i feel so luckyyyy… *bowing gratefully*
im officially a cool kid
she needs some gotdamn*, a hot comb, vaseline for those ankles, and an MTV made coach. lol. gotta love those random roomis pairings.
*so this was the FIRST archived post i read and that is when i fell in love harder than a 10th grade girl and the capt of the football team. WHEW… brought back some memories that im probably too young to have.
that post almost got me fired.
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ooh, i used to have this HORRID upstairs neighbour, a sleazy old gay man originally from greece, one of those europeans who’d been recruited by the apartheid government by all kinds of incentives for whites to come and live in South Africa to up the number of europeans against the blacks during the ’70’s… (*shaking my head at the dumb schemes the apartheid government used to come up with*)
anyhoo – so the neighbourhood was very old and jewish, so when me and my girls moved into the flat, there was a collective shudder of horror from our new neighbours, especially the aforementioned greek emigre… we soon learnt this nasty man used to bring young black men(questionable if they were even legal) home and they’d have this HORRIFIC sounding sex….. screaming things like ‘I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU!!!’ as they pounded away, banging at everything in reach – it used to give me nightmares, i swear, but i thought ‘hey, you chose to live in a block of flats, deal with it…’
anyhoo, unbeknownst to us, he had a campaign to get us evicted, and wrote this LIBELOUS letter to our landlady, the company who administered the guilding, EVERYONE (coz he was the head of the building’s body corporate) claiming we made all this noise, partied all the time etc (lies, damn lies….) and he was instituting measures to get us chucked out!!!
so my girls and i ‘took our all our school english’ as we say in seTswana, and penned an elegant, eloquent and poisonous response, explaining that when you elect to live in the flats, you pretty much sign up for whatever noises your neighbours make in their daily life… “including, sir, those disturbing noises you and your sexual partners make in the dead of the night. much as we are tempted to insist that you cease and desist your nocturnal activities, we remind ourselves that ours is a communal establishment, and that to a reasonable extent, we are obliged to live with sounds emanating from our neighbours homes”. we made sure that EVERYONE got it. b@stard.
Needless to say, he never bothered us again, and scampered out of our way everytime he saw us coming…alls well that ended well. ha ha ha ha ha!!!
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The Champ Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 2:29 pm
@superwoman,
vsb.com: where daily reminders to never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever move to south africa happen
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overit Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 2:55 pm
@The Champ, whateva! world cup is in SA next yr, who’s comin?????
GOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLL!
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superwoman Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 4:45 pm
@overit, come round sweetie, we will play! champie’s just a little coward!!! Confed Cup next month, whooooooooh!!!
loving the socca feva!!!
Me fail english? Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 5:01 pm
@overit,
Haha. I don’t even watch soccer but when I clean the crib I keep it on in the background just to hear them say that
Sula Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 5:14 pm
@overit,
I am soooo going! Offering it to my daddy too…
And we’re almost qualified!!!
superwoman Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 4:48 pm
@The Champ, please don’t say that, am i that negative about my beautiful country, o dear o dear!!! you’re gonna get my a$$ ostracised by my peeps, champie!
seriously, i am the number 1 patriot, this place has its problems, but home is home, and to me, south africa’s the most beautiful country in the world…. (we all feel the same about our own countries, right?)
come visit, you’ll see! or better yet, ask will smith and jada pinkett! or john legend…or spike lee! they’re forever here! coz it’s lovely here!!!
*humming TKZ’s ‘oh how i love this place..’*
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I’m late here but that’s cause I was just having the aforementioned screaming, neighbor-hate-causing, cops come knocking chex! Woo Hoo!!!! It was loud. It was good. And it was damned overdue!!!!
He’s gone back to work and I’m trolling VSB.
heh heh.
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Decided to listen to some music while I wait out the tornado and severe thunderstorm warnings in Raleigh/Wake County, and this post immediately made me think of J. Holiday….
Theme song for today’s post….
Make That Sound–J. Holiday
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aDmUfL_D1Uw
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bwuaaahahahahaaa
my neighbors got it in last night.
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