Right now, I’m writing this post overlooking the Pacific Ocean in a hotel room in Redondo Beach, California. What a view.
LA…stand up. By the way, I love Cali like I love women. A lot.
I came out to the West West Y’all for a wedding and that got me to thinking about things that happen at weddings. Nuptials. Drunken Happy grandparents doing the Cupid Shuffle. Wedding Cake. Dancing. Hotel parties. One night-stands.
Ah…the one night stand. The one night stand is a lost art. It really is. I think people have forgotten the nuance, subtlety, and showmanship of a proper one night stand. Now folks be brown-nosin’ these pros. I treat a one-night stand like 7-Up, I never have I never will.
I can’t be your lover.
Thing is, most of us have done it at least once. Maybe not intentionally. Maybe you intended to call her back…you just forgot. She was a one-night stand by default. Or maybe you just wanted to get you some and he was available and after you were done you wanted to repent so bad you can’t bring yourself to answer his 37 calls in 22-minutes and relegated him to, “eewww girl…not that white stuff.”
But here, we’re talking about real one-night stands. Like the kind you plan to enter on purpose.
So let’s go on ahead and just show you how to do this, son. Did you know that there’s rules to this sh*t? No? Well I wrote me a manual. Thank me kindly and love you good.
VSB Guide To The Proper One-Night Stand
1. Leave the last names at the door. The only thing last names are good for are paternity tests and finding you in the phonebook to stalk you…for a paternity test. No last name, no future problems. It’s not yours anyway. She let you hit on the first night, it could be anybody’s kid. Just keep telling yourself that.
2. Don’t wake up looking into his or her eyes. Eyes are the windows the soul and all that. Though I have to wonder…if you have terrible vision, does that mean that your eyes are like stained-glass windows to the soul? Like you can’t really see through them but you know there’s something on the other side? That’s deep. Anyway, looking into someone’s eyes will make them ask for your last name. And why do people want last names? To establish connection because they want to call you again. Stop it. Just don’t do it. In fact. Get up and leave while their sleep.
3. Hmm…don’t go to sleep. Do your duty. Please that booty. Perhaps even a Rooty Tooty Fresh ‘n Fruity. Then bounce ever so coolly. And friend, strap up so there are no oopsies.
4. Keep the conversation above board. That means that you shouldn’t be discussing your hopes and dreams with the intended target of one-night standation unless its directly necessary to procure the panties or boxer briefs. Thing is, the more talking you do and getting to “know” one another fully clothed, the less likely it will be possible to complete the Perfect One-Night Stand. We’ll have to start deducting points for execution. On some Chinese 12-year old stuff. Go USA!
5. Don’t be winin’ and dinin’ no one night stand one some full-fledged trickin’. For one, it ain’t necessary. Trust me. For b, that violates section 1512(c) of Title 69, that explicitly states: “Notwithstanding any other provision of law, any procurer of pleasure that does not otherwise intend to build a structured foundation with said procuree, there shall be no trickin’.” Hey, I didn’t make it up. I’m just the messenger. Like Nicolas Cage.
Follow these rules and you can guarantee success. And the best part is that they’re actually unisex. So get thee people. Get your jollies and tallyho. A little bit. Just a little bit in love with you.
Of course, there are more rules, and in order to fully craft the perfect one-night-stand manual, we need to ge them all. So share…share.
Why don’t you…dance?
(By the way, I think I put something like 10 random arse song references in this post. If you can name 5 and what song or artist they’re from, I’ll send you a hi-five).
-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST
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{ 202 comments… read them below or add one }
I have never had a true one night stand. I only had a short period of time that I was even able to attempt them. I have attempted to have them, but its kind of hard to have a one night stand when you attend a small college, especially if you are a minority attending a predominately white college. That means that all the black people will be at all the same parties. You are bound to run into each other at the all black events, the Wal-Mart, or “negro time” in the cafe (this is normally the time when the athletes eat). That being said my two random attempts at one night stands led me to the suicidal dude with killer abs that tried to handcuff me to the closet door and the worse relationship of my life. So readers of VSB please take heed to this sage advice. If I would have had it back then I might have avoided chafing all the skin off my wrists trying to get out of those dayum handcuffs!
‘one night stands led me to the suicidal dude with killer abs that tried to handcuff me to the closet door’
I am the only on who feels this needs further explaining???
“I am the only on who feels this needs further explaining???”
lol…you’re not
holy ish!!!
yeah…I need some explaining as well.
Okay very quickly…I had been dyckmatized by the guy that cured my virginitis. We had been going around the roller coaster for 2 years. Well when I fell up on him and old girl, I went to the party that night and got SMASHED! I saw this guy that I had seen around campus for a while, he was very attractive, smart, and killer abs with that “v” cut at the pelvis…That muscle right there is dangerous! He asked me to dance and we kicked it for a minute but when that song “sex is on my mind” started playing uh we decided to go ahead and make it do what it do. Well I don’t know if it was because I was new to the whole game, the fact that I was still hung up on ol boy or what but I felt hella guilty the next day. So I laid low a few days and didn’t call him and tried to avoid the regular “negro time” spots. Well he got my number from the directory and called to check on me. We went on a few dates, etc etc, He told me about the girl the broke his heart, let me read his poetry, and I told him about my dude, how it was over and the whole nine, oh and there was lots and lots of s.e.x Well when me and dude got back together, he was very Unhappy to say the least. He called me over to talk, tried to pull the moves on me. I almost fell for it but when I was like..naw dude I cant do it he got mad and I left. Well he called me about 3 in the morning talking about how he had opened his heart to many times, and he was going to end it. I heard the river in the background asked him where he was at and went to meet him. I got him off the bridge took him back home and we fell asleep (no s.e.x). His bed was right near the closet and that fool handcuffed me to the closet door while I was asleep so that I would be there when he woke up.
You need to write a book also.
That’s my favorite thang right thurr.
The V cut huh?! Whoooooo Lawdy!!!
“I heard the river in the background asked him where he was at and went to meet him.”
RIGHT THERE is where you should’ve called 911 and it would’ve saved you. But I feel ya, that might have gotten me too before I had all this mental health and counseling training.
“I heard the river in the background asked him where he was at and went to meet him.”
why do i picture the “stan” video while reading this?
I also pictured “Stan”. Bomb ass video rite there!!!
yeah I was young and he was the second dude I had ever dealt with sexually I was attached. I even fell for the I got counseling and I am in a better place now, just wanted to apologize for my past actions” meet and greet in which the dude trailed me home and popped up the next day, and held me pretty much hostage for 13 hours. He is a major part of the reason I am licensed and carry firearms.
“and held me pretty much hostage for 13 hours.”
I feel your pain, this happened to a few of my girls when we were in college. Sometimes I look back and reflect and wonder how we got out alive, I actually thank God cause we had put ourselves in some precarious situations
Yeah, you live and you learn. I can laugh about it now but I tell you dude had me shook for about a year after that! That’s why I am an advocate for mental health screenings and mental health awareness in the hood..its some crazy ninjas(men and women!) out there in full disguise!
Damn, that’ some tv drama ish right there. But I feel ya, that v cut thing will get you every time. I mean hopefully homeboy got some help for real, cause clearly he was not “all there”.
–Sasha Two Pistols
however he did not ruin my love for that song..”sex is on my mind” is an oldie but goodie!!!! humming doing slow roll in chair…”s.e.x is on my miiii..innnd”
now, i must say that is some funny sh*t there!! i think that might be the reason old girl hid my keys, claiming i was too drunk to drive, but she didn’t know i had my spare set on me as well!! to this day, i still wonder if i’m gonna walk out and see her driving off in my car!!
“but its kind of hard to have a one night stand when you attend a small college, especially if you are a minority attending a predominately white college. That means that all the black people will be at all the same parties. You are bound to run into each other at the all black events, the Wal-Mart, or “negro time” in the cafe (this is normally the time when the athletes eat)”
this is a very good point.
thats when one-night stand turns into a one-night orgy.
“negro time” in the cafe
CTFU! This phrase led to an elaborate mental pic in my head, complete with a dance number…
“negro time” in the cafe
CTFU! This phrase led to an elaborate mental pic in my head, complete with a dance number…
SMILEY…I love you…the dance number did it for me! I already have the first 3 eight-counts! lol
I went to a Big *ss State School and we had “negro time” in our cafeteria. We called it “Soul Restaurant”. And yes, people who went to class in PJs made sure they had on makeup and something lycra and stretchy when it was time for “Soul”.
Oh, there was also a DJ spinning tracks. Yes, it was a dorm cafeteria. Yes, it was Thursday at 5pm. YES, people came CLUB-tight.
Oh, there was also a DJ spinning tracks. Yes, it was a dorm cafeteria. Yes, it was Thursday at 5pm. YES, people came CLUB-tight.
LMAO!!!!
“The one night stand is a lost art.”
Agreed! Good form.
i been saying that for years.
Random Response.
1. I’m jealous of that view of yours.
2. I kicks it hard with that young Rooty tooty Fresh n Fruity. Hits the spot post club and dranks at 5:47am.
3. Boxer briefs are HOT on guys (if they can fill them out. I don’t need to see a guy rocking boxer briefs that look like hammer pants on him)
“I don’t need to see a guy rocking boxer briefs that look like hammer pants on him”
***officially submitting luvvie’s corner application to human resources***
It’s about d*mned time! She shoulda BEEN in the corner!
SMILEY…there are several VSB(and sisters) that shoulda BEEN in the corner…that’s been my thing from jump! I KNOWI earn my charter member conrer’licious status…but I ain’t the only one…(smh) I ain’t the only one! lol
what kind of food y’all got over there today? Champ left his lunch at home
I have some salmon croquettes and peach cobbler!
H*ll yeah! The corner sounds like a privilege and not a punishment….shidd, there should be a Corner Scholarship at this point…only it wouldn’t be for scholastic achievements….maybe an Ignantship?! Yeah, I like the sound of that.
“only it wouldn’t be for scholastic achievements….maybe an Ignantship?! Yeah, I like the sound of that.”
kind of like Nelly’s P.I.M.P. Scholarship
I can get down w/ some salmon! Pass that plate, GOODE!
“The corner sounds like a privilege and not a punishment”
depending on the mood of the bouncers, in can be both
***happy dance***
WELCOME LUVVIE…get comfy!!
Thanks GOODEness!!
Umm… do yall got some snacks or do I need to go Co’nah grocery shopping?
when BUCK is i he corner…I keep food…gotta keep daddy happy…lol…but when he’s not…we gotta hit the sto!
Ah I see. Well I’mo stop at CostCo cuz we gon need 2 buy in bulk. KindredSmile sends me to the corner OFTEN!
Get 8 slabs of ribs, A gallon of Kraft original sauce, a quart of Apple Cider vinegar, a quart of lemon juice, 4 large Vidalia onions, and 2 pounds of dark brown sugar. And get 127 and a half beers. I’m having a cookout in the corner!
Buck, I believe you left out KoolAid and hot sauce.
You are a FOOL for that statement!! LMBO!!
*If y’all just met and the one night stand is kicking off that night, don’t even get the number. There’s no need.
*Don’t tell them specifically where you work. Keep it vague. For example, if you’re a school teacher, they don’t have to know exactly which school. If you’re an accountant, they don’t have to know which firm. Don’t exchange business cards either.
*Say as much as you can to build a level of comfort without really saying much at all…if that makes sense. This is usually where a good sense of humor will take you a long way. Keep the convo light and keep her/him laughing while at the same time building a sexual tension between you.
*Don’t, I repeat DON’T, do the deed at your house. That’s just dumb. This is what hotels were made for. And back seats of SUV’s. And secluded, dark outside places. Etc.
*Respect the one night stand for what it is. People coming together to fulfill their animalistic need and personal curiosities about the other person – that’s it. Don’t think it’s the start of a lovey dovey relationship or a life-long friendship. Just let it be.
totally agree with the list. Pay by hour hotels are not just for hookers!
i think thats called a short-stay.. not that i would know…
Yep, I “heard” it was called a short-stay too
we call ‘em “2 for 10′s” in MIC CITY…lol…in high school those joints were the spot!
shout outs to the Southern Comfort on Lancaster Rd…and the Linfield Inn on Linfield!!
“*Respect the one night stand for what it is. People coming together to fulfill their animalistic need and personal curiosities about the other person – that’s it.”
Can i get an Amen b*tches
“Don’t tell them specifically where you work. Keep it vague. For example, if you’re a school teacher, they don’t have to know exactly which school. If you’re an accountant, they don’t have to know which firm. Don’t exchange business cards either”
saying “im in the people business” is vague enough to work with anything
saying “im in the people business” is vague enough to work with anything
exactly…just like PIMPING can be defined as Human Resources Management!
actually “i work with people” works even better
“exactly…just like PIMPING can be defined as Human Resources Management!”
If pimps had business cards, thats what they should say
*Make sure it is not someone that lives in your apartment complex, cul-de-sac, dorm, or other sort of collection of domiciles….
*Make sure the person is not in the circle of anyone in your circle, if possible.
“Make sure the person is not in the circle of anyone in your circle, if possible.”
Very important and very true. You can’t have a one night stand with a friend, homie, or even an acquaintance.
“You can’t have a one night stand with a friend, homie, or even an acquaintance.”
i think acquaintances can work
No acquatenances bc that turns into f*ck buddies, if it was good sex anyway… been there, done that, took off the t-shirt….
Yeah… you already know acquaintances first names and maybe a last name. Maybe a job or home location… that’s too much information already to be a one night stand.
acquaintances CANNOT work…because they can use those less than six degrees of separation to track that @ss down…especially if you showed up and showed out during your session…I would go as far as to say don’t even have mutual friends on MySpace…LOL…
which reminds me…MySpace to MyPlace is a BAD IDEA…unless you have a page that you use strictly for e-ho-ing…my boy has one and I am never at a loss for amusement at the endless stream of e-skanks he get from posting sappy @ss wacker than Love Jones s3x poems in his blog…and these broads GO NUTS!
‘e skanks’
hillarious!
“which reminds me…MySpace to MyPlace is a BAD IDEA…unless you have a page that you use strictly for e-ho-ing…my boy has one and I am never at a loss for amusement at the endless stream of e-skanks he get from posting sappy @ss wacker than Love Jones s3x poems in his blog…and these broads GO NUTS!”
church! your homeboy is not alone. melting the panties with sappy, self-aware bullshit poems is a new sport on facebook, myspace…
“I am never at a loss for amusement at the endless stream of e-skanks he get from posting sappy @ss wacker than Love Jones s3x poems in his blog…and these broads GO NUTS”
Haha. This worked on one of my girls. This guy wrote the corniest poem and she was touched by it and was going on and on about it. I was trying hard not to laugh at her especially when she was asked me what i thought about the poem. LMAO….
on second thought, you all are right. if the sex is good, acquiantances turn into f-buddies.
Not worth it. Too much drama because someone always ends up catching feelings. Usually it’s the woman. Call me sexist but I would say the majority of women aren’t unable to have sex without catching feelings. The f-buddy syndrome will only end in disaster especially if the partners were good friends before.
“Call me sexist”
sure thing. is there anything else you’d like me to call you?
Blah. ; )
I have to say, this is not always true. When one of my best friends and I fell into the f-buddy zone it was after years of drama and not liking each other at the right time and finally ( I thought) getting over all the feelings but we were still attracted to each other and took it there. It was cool for awhile but then it turned into this thing that was always expected (on his end) and not just this thing we did every now and then. Really, I was just over it. And knew I wanted something more, I was looking for a relationship but not with him and it started overshadowing our friendship so I ended it.
And that did not go over well. At all. All kinds of sh*t popped off and he lost it. Started bringing up old sh*t that I thought we had gotten past (damn, this n*gga could hold a grudge) and then I couldn’t be ending it because I thought things were taking a bad turn or knew it wasn’t going anywhere. Oh, no…it had to be because I was doin’ somebody else, or a couple of somebody elses. So now I’m a ho because I don’t want to sleep with you? N*ggas and bullsh*t.
“Make sure it is not someone that lives in your apartment complex, cul-de-sac, dorm, or other sort of collection of domiciles….”
Yep. You need a buffer zone.
“You need a buffer zone.”
“the buffer zone” was the campus nickname for my townhouse my junior and senior year
Oh yeah?! lol
Oh yeah, about the song references…
I peeped:
*”I love Cali like I love women” – Makaveli “To Live And Die In LA”
*”Cupid Shuffle” – I can’t think of dude’s name
*”…like 7-Up, I never have I never will.” – Snoop (can’t think of the song…maybe it’s an interlude or something
*”I can’t be your lover” – Slick Rick and Doug E. Fresg “La Di Da Di”
*”there’s rules to this sh*t? No? Well I wrote me a manual.” – derived from Biggie’s “10 Crack Commandments
*”That’s deep.” – not sure if you intended this as a reference but “Deeper” by Boss came to mind
*”Why don’t you…dance” – I read this with the cadence of Lee Ann Womack’s “I Hope You Dance”, but I’m probably off with this one.
“*”Cupid Shuffle” – I can’t think of dude’s name”
His name is Cupid. Original, I know…lol
have u heard the semi new version? Bollix! i saw Cupid in Vegas last yr. and i’ll be in Vegas again next month. alls i can think about is, that i will be purchasing a new tazer this time.
…till he goes to sleep or turns crispy whatever cums first.
heh, heh, heh (ihales) whooooooo!
(clears throat) these is just jokes. clarified for potential legal purposes.
There’s a new version?
::gasp::
That’s crazy, and no I haven’t heard it.
There’s a Cupid shuffle REMIX?? Aw hell. Chitown Westsiders are somewhere sliding RITE NOW.
Look, hoe! You throw the Westsiders unda the bus one mo GIN, and I’ll see to it that all the rice in Chicagoland is taken under siege!
*GASP* OH NOO!!! Not the rice supply!! You know I cant live w/o my daily dose of rice. How you just gon threaten my livelihood like dat??
Monk, you’re pretty good at this game! I got the Lee Ann Womack song and “just show you how to do this, son” from Excuse Me Miss Again by Jay-Z. I think…
Location! Location! Location! You Don’t play golf in the United Center…..likewise, there are places that are generally more conducive to the ‘one night stand’
That being said, Ladies and Gentlemen, if you don’t know the name/location of every single hotel bar in your area, you’re not very serious about your one night stands…..
“You Don’t play golf in the United Center”
this was the original title of “the jordan rules”, btw
Ever since you Americans (with the assistence of the French ofcourse) gave birth to to the metrosexual zeitgeist, the streets have been flooded with B*tch-as*-niggs and real mofos have become relatively extinct (hence the abundance of Relationship advice bloggs, maaaaan that’s some gay-as** sh*t, niggs handle yours). Now as a High ranking delegate of the Council of Non-chucking-Non-Jiving-Reall-ninja’s i shall grace this topic with a comment:
1. F**k not giving her your last name, don’t give her your name period. Now the b*tch in most of yall is probaly askin “How you do that?”…easy, when she ask for your name you just reply “Well my friends call me….”, that way you don’t give a difinitive answer and you imply that she’s worthy to be deemed a friend.
2. If she relentlessly insists that you tell her what your name is, you shal promptly reply “My Name is Rick Jamezzzzz, now show me your T*ts b*tch!”. If she appears to be offended by this,
you will have to act swiftly in order to retain your prey, by doing the following:
Grab your Protein-supplement-dispencer with your right hand, place it on your left shoulder, then knock the b*tch out…from then on, silence shall be taken as consent.
***Note – the word b*tch in the above extract is used as a pronoun, which may be replaced by the substitute companions name, but in most cases it doesn’t get that serious***
“hence the abundance of Relationship advice bloggs, maaaaan that’s some gay-as** sh*t, niggs handle yours”
damn, lol. i dont know whether or not to be hurt by the comment or elated by the sheer snarky ferocity of it.
Listen here my little Nappy-Headed-jungle bunny, the above statement is Sisanda’s Alter-ego speaking, cause he too cautious, considerate, and emotionally articulate to make get through to niggs.
Now cummon now, everyone’s got an alter ego, Like Mary J and that Hood-rat Brooke; Michael Jackson and the Hespanic Boy loving pedohphile; The Devil and Dick Chaney…the list is endless…still don’t believe me..okay…ever woke up with an ugly b*tch next to ya, and with grimace on your face you wonder how the F**k this happend? i mean you only had two glasses of wine!!…yep, that’s one of my people, dwellers of the darkest sphere of the human pschyque.
Rick James Beeeyaaaitch!!!
Listen here my little Nappy-Headed-jungle bunny
sianda…when they buried “ni99er” without my permission…this was one of my many porh monley substitute pronouns…and in about a week, I realized that ni99a really ain’t that bad…
***as I listent to Nas’ ni99er album in prep for the show tomorrow night!***
“Listen here my little Nappy-Headed-jungle bunny
sianda…when they buried “ni99er” without my permission…this was one of my many porh monley substitute pronouns…”
i actually prefer picaninny
jiggaboo is my fave…
sisanda…
heh, heh, heh (inhales) whooooooooooo!
some advice is a wee bit Manson Dahmer now isn’t it?
Wear a condom and sneak a peak at her thang to make sure there’s no rocks or broken bottles on the beach…
“no rocks or broken bottles on the beach…”
or, ummm, crabs
I’m slipping. I don’t know how I forgot to mention crabs. Then again, I was scrambling out the door to get to work. Thanks for the addition. My comment is now complete.
um how do you do that? I mean really, in the same place you store your condoms, do you also carry a lice comb? I’m just wondering
***looking at you squinty eyed***
Nothing wrong with taking a glance at what you’re about to dive into. I’ve heard of chicks doin the same thing for dudes. It’s like when you at a restaurant and they bring something out you never tried before. Changes are you will smell it or sumthin. Easy.
And ironically one night stands are the most successful and practical at the following beach destinations: Spring Break, Bike Rally, vacation, Caribbean cruise…..
“Wear a condom and sneak a peak at her thang to make sure there’s no rocks or broken bottles on the beach”
***dead***
Ok, I’m on the floor rolling at this comment, LMAO!
I’ve never had a real one night stand.
My pathetic attempt at one ended in a 2 year off and on relationship this past May lol.
But a good rule for all people who are going to experience/have experienced a one nighter…. Always have condoms! And not that dead looking one in the wallet.
“My pathetic attempt at one ended in a 2 year off and on relationship this past May lol.”
how did this happen?
I met him but I wasn’t seriously interested… just sort of curious. So I went in with the intentions of having my 1st one night stand… well more of a hit it and quit it.
But the sex was so hand clapping/feet stomping awesome when he called the next day, I answered. And that was the start of me wasting about 2 years of my life.
But the sex was so hand clapping/feet stomping awesome when he called the next day, I answered.
This will get you every single time. This is why I have I have never had a one night stand.
But the sex was so hand clapping/feet stomping awesome when he called the next day, I answered.
see…that’s how I got the truck-runner! his mouth made me see JESUS…and VOILA…man-tears and restraining order plotting! great sex can be attached to the most un-great muhfugguhs!!!
This is why you can’t go hard in the paint with your “2-nighters”, “monthers” and “weekers”.
They wanna get all attached and stuff. hee-hee.
Save ya A-game for your long-term FWB’s.
“They wanna get all attached and stuff. hee-hee.
Save ya A-game for your long-term FWB’s.”
i’ve always said that the easiest way to get rid of a chick is to intentionally have wack sex with her. aggressive disinterest, calling wrong names, busting after 2.5 strokes, butt punches…all are good tricks to use when trying to get someone to unlike you
“butt punches”
Um, WTH?
“butt punches”?!
Thanks for the laugh Champ! lol
yes. instead of the perfunctory ass smack, you butt punch. just pretend like her booty is a boxing heavy bag. obviously, you dont do this hard enough to injure her or anything, but she’ll be so weirded out by it that she wont wanna sleep with you ever again.
“yes. instead of the perfunctory ass smack, you butt punch. just pretend like her booty is a boxing heavy bag. obviously, you dont do this hard enough to injure her or anything, but she’ll be so weirded out by it that she wont wanna sleep with you ever again.”
I’m weirded out now.
Next time, I’m not gonna ask for explanation…lmao
I can definitely co-sign….
..the truck runner can STILL, to this day, make me laugh out loud, and get weird stares…..
ditto
If he only knew how much laughter his antics have brought to the world on this blog site alone
Story of my one-night stand…
4 years later, I have a great male friend who still has slight stalkerish tendencies….
Capital rule of the successful One-night stand.
- Best to avoid it on your home turf… and please make sure no relations can be established, not even frequenting the same blogs anonymously. And that’s the word.
*smh*
yea always get up and go… no cuddling, even if you’re “just tryna be nice”
no texts in the morning “how was it?” “is that my pus*y now?” just dont.
dont do it in your same borough… dont accept a ride home, do not pass go, do not collect 200 dollas….
“yea always get up and go… no cuddling, even if you’re “just tryna be nice”
this is when you bounce and leave a hundred/making her feel slutted even if she don’t want it
(btw, i think this was the best line ja rule ever spit)
“Why don’t you…dance?”
This is Lee Ann Womack’s “I Hope You Dance”
One of the few country songs I jam.
Oh yeah…one-nighters? I don’t know much about that. The only one I did have was back round ’02, and it ended up being a 2 nighter and a whole bunch of other stuff, so I don’t have much to add.
“The only one I did have was back round ‘02, and it ended up being a 2 nighter and a whole bunch of other stuff, so I don’t have much to add.”
ive never had a one-nighter either, but a few two nighters, a couple “weekers”, and like 4 or 5 “monthers”
ive never had a one-nighter either, but a few two nighters, a couple “weekers”, and like 4 or 5 “monthers”
***raising hand*** yeah I am SO guilty of the 30day a-d1ck-shun!
“a-d1ck-shun!”
LMAO!!!!
Yes been there done that, and should have cut that negro off at one night. I knew then he was nothing but T-R-O-U-B-L-E, but as Tyrese sang…everytime I try to leave something kept pulling me back….lol!
–Sasha Two Pistols
Good to know I’m not alone in this…lmao.
Champ, consider this:
1. There’s the person you meet, usually in a club or party, and leave with. The intention may be to have sex, or may be only to get or give a ride, or to invite him/her up for a drink, use the bathroom, etc, but it ends up with sex.
2. The other scenario is the sex on the first date. Maybe you met X on Friday at the club, then hook up on another day… maybe for a real dinner-movie-etc date, or for the broke and young, maybe a you wanna come over to my house and watch a movie, but either way end up having sex.
Even though both can lead into unexpected relationships, are #1 & 2 one nighters as you define it, or only #1?
In real life there may not be much difference in outcome between the two.
KIT…( I love your blog BTW)
but yeah that whole “meet in the club and go on a date later in the week” game was always my predatory code for conquest…they may have thought differently, but it was really my MO for hit it and quit it…
again..thankful that my light came on and I stopped taking advantage of these brothers…although my bank account isn’t as happy about my reformation…LOL
although panama actually authored this entry, by his reasoning (and mine) scenario one is the only true one night stand. scenario two involves some sort of planning and an exchange of personal information, which defies the purpose of the one-nighter. basically, if you plan, its not a stand.
Thanks, Goodness. Hit me up with a comment next time you swing by.
That being said Champ, yeah, I’ve had a handful of one-nighters in my lusty and reckless 20s. Luckily not a problem with any, and one led to a really nice long term relationship. I think I’d be more wary if I were in my 20s nowadays; more folks out there got issues.
Don’t know if anyone beat me to it, but here are hidden songs I found in your post.:
A Little Bit In Love – Several broadway artists did this one, and they all suck.
I Can’t Be Your Lover – Moe Jones
Stand Up – Ludacris
You Just Forgot – Mindy Smith
Rooty Tooty Booty – Elliot Chavers
Do Your Duty – Saffire, Bessie Smith
No Trickin’ – Chauncy Black from Black Street
Let the record show that The Champ and Panama Jackson are two entirely different people. Panama authored this post. The Champ did not.
sorry I just had to get that offa my chest LOL.
*winks to Panama*
A successful one night stand can be had if:
1. you don’t even give your first name. If he presses the issue use your club name, or just provide initials.
2. if you decide to take him back to the crib (make sure he’s an out of towner and doesn’t know his way around) take every backstreet route, twist and turn you know and take about 30 minutes to get to your place even though its only 5 minutes away.
2a. make sure you do not give him your address, GPS can come back and bite you in the arse.
3. ask him (tell him) to leave when you are done, even if you have to wake his arse up from a S3x induced coma, help him put his clothes on threaten to call the authorities if you have to etc. Do not allow him to wake up there.
4. when you see him again at a club or out in public act like you don’t know him.
5. Do not under any circumstances store his number in your phone or yours in his, delete your call log and texts (incoming and outgoing) and in his phone too (should be done while his in the aforementioned coma).
Not that I have ever done this before, but I’m just saying this is what I heard works
2. if you decide to take him back to the crib (make sure he’s an out of towner and doesn’t know his way around) take every backstreet route, twist and turn you know and take about 30 minutes to get to your place even though its only 5 minutes away.
if youadd a blindfold…then MAYBE…but for real…having jump offs at the crib tonite…is this superwoman’s kryptonite…that sh1t leads to ni99as hiding in the bushes by your place wearing a helmet with leaves taped to it! I say NAY! NAY I SAY!
“wearing a helmet with leaves taped to it!”
Not so much when one of my former high school and college friends is the police sergeant on third shift that patrols my neighborhood.
that ish right there (hiding in the bushes…) gets you arrested.
I wish a ninja would
“that sh1t leads to ni99as hiding in the bushes by your place wearing a helmet with leaves taped to it! I say NAY! NAY I SAY!”
you know what i’m gonna say
and I love you too Champ-a-riffic!
***wink and a head nod to BUCK as I saunter to the corner***
Come on over baby!……Was that mean Champ bothering you again? It’s alright, daddy will make it all go away!
“3. ask him (tell him) to leave when you are done, even if you have to wake his arse up from a S3x induced coma, help him put his clothes on threaten to call the authorities if you have to etc. Do not allow him to wake up there.”
Damn thats cold! You STAY tryna call the police on mo-fos! Lol! Dont good d**k count for nothing? I’m not saying you gotta cook em breakfast or anything, but didn’t they at least earn the courtesy not to be threatened with arrest? LOL!
“Dont good d**k count for nothing?”
first t-shirt of the day, and possibly my favorite one of the month
Yay! I do what I can. I would wear that shirt, just not around my mama…
I would buy that shirt for my daddy!!
“I would buy that shirt for my daddy!!’
and you wonder why i’m buying padlocks and traffic cones for the corner
“You STAY tryna call the police on mo-fos”
I use my network… why the hell you got one if you aint going to use it.
like I said, I know people and you want to be silly and act up, I will call my people and trust me my people TRUMPS your people.
one of my lovely sorors is a Superior Court Judge and her husband is a 6th district judge, my college roommate’s brother is also a federal judge (I have all home, cell, office, and back office numbers and in some cases spouses cell number). I am friendly with the spouses and I don’t cry wolf. If I call they know its legit. I live in a small community (its called the littlest state in the union, 2 maybe three degrees of separation). Me ex’s boy (We are REAL COOL) is also a connected member of a certain family here too, so ACT A FOOL if you want, I can have the police remove you or Uncle Tony and his friends~you pick
Well do ya thang playa playa. As a woman, I aint mad at it. But if I was a dude, I’d be mad as hell if I had given you the good stuff and you called the cops on me at 3am. Hope them connects are strickly used for the nuts who deserve it though.
no doubt, like I said I have never cried wolf.
Usually the threat of calling someone with phone in hand is enough.
As for Uncle Tony and friends, I thank God I have never had a need, though I wouldn’t mind if a couple of people in me hemisphere disappeared…I jest
1. Leave the last names at the door.
yeah…ummm…back in the day (before I was GOODENess)…ni99as didn’t even get the real name, straight street name action…whether we were fuggin or not…you ask my name…it was REDD…
I am so glad I use my powers for good and not evil…lol…but sometimes I miss pimpin…and then I realize I’m just banging too much UGK!
“ni99as didn’t even get the real name, straight street name action…whether we were fuggin or not…you ask my name…it was REDD…” – Goodness, great minds really think alike, i concurr.
With my one night stands, it is really never awkward if I run into the girl later on. In fact from the outside looking in, most people couldn’t even tell if I knew them. If I have homefield advantage though, I would rather her sleep over. This guarantees me topping off in the morning before I start my day. And we all know if you get it before you even start your day, you have completed half of your daily objectives already. One rule though, keep all that kissing to a minimum. You get the prelim kiss before anything jumps off to ensure that both parties understand whats about to (in her case) go down, then after that the kissing window closes. This is not negotiable.
“You get the prelim kiss before anything jumps off to ensure that both parties understand whats about to (in her case) go down” –
***Nodding head and raising one hand firmly in the sky, so as to say “ni99a i feel you, preach on”***
“You get the prelim kiss before anything jumps off to ensure that both parties understand whats about to (in her case) go down, then after that the kissing window closes. This is not negotiable.”
**mental pic of some clueless chick going on for another kiss when a big DENIED! sign appears and smacks her in the mouth**
LMAO!!! **mental pic of some clueless chick going on for another kiss when a big DENIED! sign appears and smacks her in the mouth**
LOL @ the chick that gets kissed muffed.
And we all know if you get it before you even start your day, you have completed half of your daily objectives already.
LOL! So true, so true.
“This guarantees me topping off in the morning before I start my day”
i found this to be easier if i’m at the woman’s crib, mainly because she’s still in her comfort zone, and since it’s her crib, she’s not hurriedly getting dressed and wiping, ummm, starts with “c” and rhymes with “drum” out of her eyes.
See its always the opposite for me. First off I can’t sleep in a woman’s bed comfortably. I don’t know if its a mental thing, but its usually a horrible nights rest. Secondly I will be in a rush the following morning to bounce. If its a weekday, I gotta get to work. If its a weekend/holiday I don’t want to waste it making small talk with this chick. I’m all about homefield advantage, but that may just be the bachelor in me talking.
Ok so why the heck is it the man’s decision whether or not an encounter is considered a one night stand or not. I have heard many men say that just because a chick gives it up on the first night doesnt mean that they consider her a hoe and even have friends that are in serious relationships now with a chick that he hit it on the first night. So how do men decipher whether or not this chick is going to get a call or whether your are going to never talk to her again and why it is only the man’s decision whether things progress or stay to that one night.
“So how do men decipher whether or not this chick is going to get a call or whether your are going to never talk to her again”
this basically depends on two things, timing and proximity…but unusual fineness sometimes kind of has a way of trumping everything else. basically, one night stands become one night stands because, or whatever reason, its not feasible to continue that relationship, if the arrangement has more potential downside than upside
as far as your second question, both genders have the power to make that determination, as evidenced in a few of the comments today
to Eb: “So how do men decipher whether or not this chick is going to get a call or whether your are going to never talk to her again and why it is only the man’s decision whether things progress or stay to that one night.”
This is a very good question. But I think women are very powerful in deciding when, where and whom to sleep with. But the man will always reserve the judgement. Its usually a double standard because if she’s a hoe, it doesn’t say too much about him. But to him, he’s being sexually explorative. And she’s being a garden tool.
the people you mention above (who have fallen in love and are now living happily everafter)…are much like the mythical unicorn…they DO exist “somewhere”. Sometimes in the imagination of the very men who want to hit it on the first night.
There’s no such thing as a unicorn? Dangit, the happy couples I have met who started off as jumpoffs/one night stands/f*ck buddies must have crazy glued a horn to a pony….
the happy couples I have met who started off as jumpoffs/one night stands/f*ck buddies must have crazy glued a horn to a pony….
metaphorically speaking,they have… a new spin on turning a “ho into a housewife” is what that breaks down too….
“Dangit, the happy couples I have met who started off as jumpoffs/one night stands/f*ck buddies must have crazy glued a horn to a pony”
**dead**
“All good relationships start passionately” – total lie, but it’s the gateway drug to the one night stand.
If you’re trying to just pump and dump, the conventional wisdom is
- little information as possible (or just lie)
- 3rd party location – neither your home or there’s (a club bathroom seems to be the move – Usher anyone?)
And I add a 3rd piece.
- Do as much degrading off the wall *$%@ as possible.
a) If you don’t hear, “You want me to what? Hell no, that’s disgusting” or
b) “You must date a lot of white girls”
or
c) You don’t feel ugly inside afterwards, disgusted at yourself
This will create a mental barrier of the event for both of you.
Ideally, you will be so sick that you’ll never call/return calls…
Or you both realize what sick depraved F%^&%^s you both are, and start talking marriage.
“And I add a 3rd piece.
- Do as much degrading off the wall *$%@ as possible.
a) If you don’t hear, “You want me to what? Hell no, that’s disgusting” or
b) “You must date a lot of white girls”
or
c) You don’t feel ugly inside afterwards, disgusted at yourself”
Hilarious!!!
“Or you both realize what sick depraved F%^&%^s you both are, and start talking marriage.”
LOL
‘ 3rd party location – neither your home or there’s (a club bathroom seems to be the move – Usher anyone?)’
My homegirl’s mother travels a LOT and has offered up her keys to serve as The Third Party Spot on more than one occasion.
“My homegirl’s mother travels a LOT and has offered up her keys to serve as The Third Party Spot on more than one occasion.”
I hope its not in her mama’s bed…
There is a special place in hell for grown azz people who do it in their parents bed. I can’t even finish my coffee I’m so grossed out. lol
I offer my keys up alot too, with stipulations like
not in my bedroom and clean up your mess, oh and bring your own sheets and mattress protectors.
“not in my bedroom and clean up your mess, oh and bring your own sheets and mattress protectors.”
lol
You’re so nice. Ain’t nobody getting some arse up in my place, except for me. You wanna fcuk, take that ish up the street to the no-tel motel.
I’m a hater like that. lol
Her mother is what you would call a ‘free spirit’ and has told us ‘ladies, we are all grown and sometimes we need to get our tires rotated. Just dont drink up all my liquor and make sure you change my dayum sheets.’
“we are all grown and sometimes we need to get our tires rotated”
I agree..but there is a fine line between being sexu#ally open with your grown daughter and her friends and running a bor%dello in mama’s boudoir.
the definition of bordello varies from state to state but I do believe that multiple unrelated women must co-habitate in order to define it as a bordello, so I think her momma gets off on a technicality
im sorry I was just flashbackin…
when I was 17 and tried to sneak Jay in my house…my mama caught me tryna sneak him in and replied “I ain’t runnin’ no little who#r#e house in texas”.. (we lived in MD, but you get the drift)
and you are right since I lived there it might have fit the description.
LMFAO!
WIA you never cease to amuse me…lol…in MIC CITY we have a few non-swinger clubs with uni-s3xual bathrooms…and there is always my favorite…bent over the hood of someones car…night air hitting my @ss and cooling the wetness….oh wait…ummm…what was I typing again…d@mn this adult ADHD!
“you shouldn’t be discussing your hopes and dreams with the intended target of one-night standation unless its directly necessary to procure the panties or boxer briefs”
Funny blog. I’ve never had a 1-night stand. The only thing that I would add is to use protection! I know 2 guys who became fathers from a 1-night stand and one lost the love of his life as a result (he was engaged at the time).
“I know 2 guys who became fathers from a 1-night stand and one lost the love of his life as a result”
Yeah I have to echo Leila’s remarks. I too know several men and a couple of women that got 18-22 years of more than what they bargained for after what they thought was one night of unbridled passion
I know 2 guys who became fathers from a 1-night stand and one lost the love of his life as a result (he was engaged at the time).
a classmate of mine got twins (and herpes) from a one-hitter quitter…I can’tmake eye contact every time I see him…I know my “ni99a are you serous?” ness will come through my eyes and spondoo his face!
While I have never had a one night stand, I do believe in Sex Not Love.
I have been trying to teach my friends (who often find themselves failing at one night stands) how to pull off that sacred art for years now.
“While I have never had a one night stand, I do believe in Sex Not Love.”
why the caps?
Sex Not Love is a concept
It is the ability to have sex without falling in love; can apply to one night stands, f*ck buddies, or anyone else one might sleep with.
I developed this concept after many days of explaining to women that does A) every sex partner is not a potential life partner B) it is possible to have sex with no emotional attachment (and most sex is probably of this variety, whether she knows it or not) C) sex with someone on a regular or semi-regular basis means ONLY that you are having a sexual relationship (nothing more)
I’m still amazed that with AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases that folks are still doing the one night stands.
Men you should be very careful sleeping with a woman who is willing to give it up to you on the first night…especially when she only knows you by your nickname…or your club name.
Ladies have to think more of themselves than give it up to the guy who looks like he’s balling but might be borrowing (that’s his cousins car…crib and gators).
on behalf of the vsb family, i’d like to extend congrats to the winner of vsb.com’s weekly “wet blanket on a blatantly facetious entry” award
Thank you! I think we have a winner!
Sounds like someone has been a one nighter too many times and is now a “reformed pro” and “above” all such behavior.
LOL BigBuck–one doesn’t have to be a “pro” to know about “pros.”
***ding, ding***
lol The Champ. Hey if you got to win an award it might as well be for that one…LOL
we try to give out as many awards as possible here because we assume that everyone else loves trophies as much as we do.
Yes trophies are shiny, and I like shiny things.
Well, apart from shiny suits (a la Diddy in the “mo’ money, mo’ problems vid). Those are just offensive to my sensibilities.
You shut your mouth when you’re talking about Diddy and the Bad Boy Family!
Dorian G., is your REAL name Farnsworth Bentley?? Boo, he fired you. He said you ain’t hold the umbrella good enuff. And your TANG outzested his. Thanks.
“Men you should be very careful sleeping with a woman who is willing to give it up to you on the first night…especially when she only knows you by your nickname…or your club name.”
Statements like these tickle me to no end. Should I be ‘less’ careful once the woman knows my last name? If she knows my middle name can I ditch the condom altogether and just hit it raw???
As far as avoiding getting burned goes, there are only two effective options…..abstain 100% (yeah….ummm…not so much) or strap up 100%. All this BS about ‘how many of my names she knows’ is just that.
Kumbaf…I guess I could have elaborated more…I know you can put a blanket on it…but accidents do happen and you don’t want that one accident to end up being a life time of disease.
LOL at the Professor Killjoy Award
True one night stands are for cheaters and busted people that look like knuckles and elbows. Because who wants to get down just once with someone who is fine as frog hair?
Now if the second time just never comes around then the first time becomes a one night stand by default. That’s just the way it is.
And let’s be clear, noone but noone one nights your boy!
“True one night stands are for cheaters and busted people that look like knuckles and elbows”
sidenote: “busted people” was actually the original name of “ordinary people”
“busted people that look like knuckles and elbows”
I weep for anyone who looks like KNUCKLES.
Right…dudes once explained the 3 time minimum.
1. To say, “I did it.”
2. To make sure I liked it (first time could’ve been an off night)
3. Confirm that you want to do it again.
Was the wedding in Palos Verdes? Small world.
Am I the only person surprised by the ladies high participation in this post?
Yes. You probably are.
It takes 2 to Tango.
Kim, no, I’m not surprised. A lot of the men won’t tell ’cause the ladies will get mad. The ladies who have done it may be reluctant in commenting because everyone wants to be well-thought of.
There are a lot of shame issues associated with sex for the pure joy of it with no strings attached. People also don’t want to be viewed as recklessly stupid because of the prevalence of HIV. I was fortunate to come of age at the tale end of the love generation and before AIDs sank it’s teeth into the black community, right after 1990 or ’91 when Magic Johnson announced he’d been infected.
As a therapist, however, I can tell you that a number of young adults of both sexes still have a one nighter. I don’t recommend it in this century, not so much for moral reasons but because there are a lot folks who are bat-sh*t crazy, have hidden addictions and might rip you off, or have diseases that they intentionally will deny having.
In reality, there’s not a lot of difference in my mind between a one night stand vs. going to bed with someone after only a few contacts. Hell, you can date someone for months and still be amazed at the skeletons in their closet.
Now, Panama, do I get a high five for the songs? I love song contests; I’m nerdy like that! See #13 comment.
notes from a therapist a.k.a Kit (Keep It Trill):
“A lot of the men won’t tell ’cause the ladies will get mad. The ladies who have done it may be reluctant in commenting because everyone wants to be well-thought of.”
men wont tell about their 1 nite stands here because we don’t want to make women mad.
really? is this a personal opinion or something u stake ur professional reputation on?
heh, heh, heh (inhales) whoooooooo!
…and women refrain from exposing their 1 nite stands here because they wish to be well thought of.
interesting contrasts in motivations between the vsb men and women surrounding the issue. (1 nite stands)
please share with me the inductive or deductive reasoning u used to come to this conlusion. (or whatever reasoning)
heh, heh, heh (inhales) whoooooo!
this is gonna be good……
G.K. dude you’re wildn. i’m laughing but ‘you’re an a-hole. I haven’t laughed this hard since I slapped Diddy.
Ghengis, before I even think of blowing a bunch of time writing the whys and wherefores with links, why don’t you first explain whether or not you agree (because you really didn’t say), and what your personal observation and experience has been, along with your supporting links. Don’t forget to add the historical, cultural and religious perspective.
As you said, “heh, heh, heh (inhales) whoooooo! this is gonna be good……”
Go for it, tiger.
K.I.T retorts:
“why don’t you first explain whether or not you agree (because you really didn’t say)”
i’m afraid to tell u my (1 night stand stories) for fear that you and other women reading this blog may get mad. LMBAO! last thing i want to do is make a woman mad…
…and you’d have to ask the women here how “reluctant” they are to share their 1 night stand stories although i see a few of them were not worried about being “well thought of.”
Treal i do like the way u spelled my namesakes name right. that’s kinda sexy nicca. i almost want to hear u moan, i mean say it. did u know the g and the h are pronounced more like our j? (jane-gis) who cares right?
most of my commentary here is OPED and not professionally related however i have been accused on several ocassions of setting up a (therapists) practice here. u my friend have illuded to ur work so i thought maybe u were writing froma professional standpoint.
ladies i think well of u regardless of what u share in this forum. its informative and entertaining. please forgive me if i’m too pie to share sometime.
K to the I to the M says:
“Am I the only person surprised by the ladies high participation in this post?
K.I.M. i know u know that when men cheat they are usually cheating with another woman. (except the down low brigade) newsflash! this means that women are cheating too. same goes for one nite stands.
but u know this…
heh, heh, heh (inhales) whooooo!
I suppose I was surprised because there is such a stigma in the black community, especially amongst, black women in regards to sexuality.
Kind of like how I know women over 25 who have never given head? Then turn around and wonder why dude’s were going to ‘Becky’ back in college to get broke-off.
Yes we are for sure having it sex…whether it be one night stands or several night stands…and “we’re” having it unprotected as evidenced by STD and ‘Suprise Pregnancies.’
ok, at one point in time, i was deemed the king of one-night stands and extremely short-term relationships!! it wasn’t by design, just the fact that i loved to travel and enjoy the company of whichever beautiful woman was nearest to me at the time!! my recent trip to jamaica gave me a week full of fun and i enjoyed each of them!! i always give them my aliases, never a number and if need be, the business cards with the fake name and number and the former address in L.A. so even if they come looking for me, they will never find me!! i have never done my place or theirs, mainly hotels or friends places (have a manual coupe, so my car is out of the question)!! never kiss them because i don’t know where their mouths have been nor do i call their names in the middle of the act, mainly because in my old age, i just can’t remember trivial things like that (but, unfortunately, that has transcended over into regular relationships as well)!! nor do they see me in the morning because i am usually up and gone 45 mins to an hour afterwards!! hopefully they don’t mind because i don’t do cheap motels and the room is always paid for!! i’m not stiffing them!! it was funny how the staff at the RIU in Negril figured me out, because i would ask for a different room each morning around 5:45!! i know, i know!! bad Don!! bad DON!!! but i always have my hoe-bag packed and ready for whatever might happen!! it’s definitely a must!!
I just spent 35 min of my life reading these comments. Time well spent.
“eewwww not that white stuff…” NaS, Black Girl Lost
I love Cali like I love women – 2Pac (To Live and Die in LA)
The Cupid Shuffle – Cupid
I can’t be your lover – Slick Rick/Doug E. Fresh (La Di Da Di)
Well there’s 3 – at least I think so. Can I get a Hi-3?