Posts from — May 2008

Through my travels across the world the Western Hemisphere the South, I’ve come across a plethora of women who seem to have the same question no matter what:

How do I tell if the dude is really feeling me or not?

Now as a man, this seems like total common sense. I feel like men let you know in damn near every conceivable way if we’re interested, but alas, women over think every gotd*mn thing so it stands to reason that most women wouldn’t have the foggiest idea that a man was interested. In fact, most women I know try to think themselves out of liking a dude who probably likes them just in case he doesn’t like them…all the while hoping he does. It’s the most vexing conundrum of all the enigmas.

So as a service, allow me to help out.

Panama Provides Proof – How To Tell If A Man Is Interested In You

1. He calls you first – If a man actually calls you first it means he wants to talk to you which is a clear sign of interest. Anytime you do all the calling to a dude, well, he probably only answers when he’s not getting his knob shined by the chick he actually likes.
2. He calls you first (b.) – He actually talks about nothing with you. You know what I’m talking about. Those asinine conversations about who’s probably got longer toenails and the fact that Sideshow Bob was really the most complex and dynamic character in the history of network television. Any dude willing to sit engage you in those conversations is interested. Otherwise the long convo would go like this:

Man: So when you gonna come thru and let me see what color your panties are?
Woman: You so crazy!

(One hour later)

Man: So when you gonna come thru and let me see what color your panties are?
Woman: You STILL so crazy!

Move on chica. Move on.

3. He takes you out…in public and touches you in a romantic way – I’ll never understand why women go on dates where they don’t have to get dressed (i.e. “movie night”). If you really like a dude make hi take you out. If he isn’t putting forth any effort, he just wants to know if you’re hairs the same color all over your body, if you catch my drift.
4. He hasn’t seen you naked yet, but he’s always willing to do whatever it takes to see you, even if that just means standing on your front porch to talk. I can’t stress this enough, but anytime a man NEVER feels like he’s going out of his way to do something for you, he’s sprung. If you ask for Cambodian breast milk for your Billy Goat and it has to come from the Bronx, and you live in Seattle and he’s like, “oh its okay, I was going to New York in the morning anyway, I’ll stop by and get you some. Do you also want some Burmese too? I can run through Maine and pick that up too.” Yeah, dude is feeling you. He’d also like to feel you.

Pun.

5. Bottom line – anytime a dude is willing to spend any amount of real time with you or on you, he’s feeling you. If he doesn’t ever want to go out or talk to you for an extended period of time or never hints at any activity that would require a considerable block of time out of his day to complete…

…well he’d rather play Wii or Playstation. Unless you want to give him some of that good lovin’.

In which case, he’s got all the time in the world.

It was written.

–Panama Jackson

Breaking up sucks. There’s never a good or easy way beat that b**ch with a bat to kick somebody to the curb. But sometimes you have to do what you have to do. And for argument’s sake, we’ll assume an actual relationship has existed, not a one night Frisco frog-f*ck.

So let’s do it.

VSB’s Do’s and Don’ts for a Successful Break-Up

1. Do break up and don’t beat around the bush.

You know, this is the one that gets people in the most trouble. In attempts to not be the bad person or to try to maintain some semblance of niceness, ambiguity rears its ugly head leaving somebody looking like Whoopi Goldberg and the other looking like Oprah. You see, neither looks good but they’ve lingered around forever. Honestly, that made sense in my head.

2. Do it face to face if you can, don’t send a text or an email.

The only reason I think you should do it face to face is so you can possibly get some last time for-the-road boo-tay. If you send a text, there’s a good chance you won’t be hitting that any time soon, jack. Chicks hate text message breakups. I know. Oh well, the sh*t cost me $.10 so we both lost.

3. Do move on but don’t sleep with his or her friends…too soon.

It’s just not a good look. Period. Though, I think at some point all bets are off and if they’re friend is trying to offer up the snappy nappy dugout (word to Ice Cube), then by all means, there’s another hit Barry Bonds. For the time-being though, go f*ck Kanye (Megan Goode) or something.

4. Do break up (part 2).

Don’t get on some bullshit about taking a break if you really want to let the relationship ride. You see, “breaks” are the dumbest shit known to man. If you’re ready to move on, do it. Don’t keep the other person hanging onto your nuts/tit-tays for no reason – mostly because that gives them just cause to slash your tires and/or kick your puppy.

5. If you can, do make it an amicable split, but don’t patronize the other person.

Don’t be nice just for the hell of it and make it seem like you’re showing pity on the other person despite the kcufed up situation you’re in. However, if you can make it an amicable split you may still be able to hit when you need a little bit of that good lovin…or your batteries run out…or your internet connection times out or something.

6. Don’t break their stuff.

Never understood why people just ruined their ex’s stuff. I mean, come on, it feels good for a second, but then you have to clean the mess up yourself. It’s like un-protected sex. With a chick with no arms who doesn’t take birth control pills.

7. Don’t call all of their friends trying to get them to fix sit.

Chances are they agree with the breakup. Suck it up and go see Iron-Man. I get the idea this is some chick stuff mostly. I can’t see most dudes calling their girls friends. At least I’d never do that. I’m a damn G.

8. Don’t stalk them.

Um. Duh.

9. Do throw rocks at them if they stalk you.

Um. Duh again.

10. Do some self-reflection on the lost relationship…don’t assume that literally looking in the mirror counts as self-reflection.

Mostly because some of you shallow bastards don’t learn anything from your relationships.

Let us know some other must-do or must-don’ts for a successful break-up.

Inquiring minds would like to know.

-PANAMA JACKSON

i’ll always maintain that it was melissa hogan’s fault.

every high school had an m. hogan. you know this chick. sh-t, some of you reading might have been this chick. the ultra-mature, ultra intimidating, ultra, ummm, “physically developed at an early age” chick who, by her freshman year was dating seniors and by her senior year was dating steelers.

anyway, m. hogan at lunchtime was basically was responsible for at least 1/4 of my early sexual education (the other 3/4’s being “dream on“, my parents, and “eazy-duz-it”.). our lunch tables were like every other lunch table in every other school in the country, where one or two students tell lascivious (and, in hindsight, completely unbelievable) sexual tales while the rest either laughs, co-signs, or nods along in silent affirmation, despite the fact that no one else had done anything even remotely close to what she was talking about. she’d hold court, and we all were captive listeners, storing every story, taking mental notes with every nugget.

one constant theme of m. hogan’s lunchtime lectures was her utter disdain of “one minute men“. one minute men were the bane of her existence, the iago to her othello, the soap to her southerner, and i made “not being a one minute man” my own personal sexual tenet.

by the time i finally got around to having sex, despite my attractive, yet *insert word that means the exact opposite of “virginal* partner and the lovely “vertical smile” anxiously waiting for me to enter, m. hogan stayed in the back of my mind. forget pleasure, i was a man on a mission…a mission to last. i even positioned myself so that her alarm clock was always in my line of sight.

because our site is pg-13 in theory i won’t get into too many specifics, but lets just say that by the 51 minute mark, i finally decided to climax because i ran out of intentionally non-sexy things to think about (for you laypeople out there, this is a common practice used by young men when trying their hardest not to climax. for example “scrambled eggs”, “mailboxes”, and “that guy on the bus with the giant diabetes foot” all went through my mind at one point that day.)

surprisingly, after she spent a couple weeks at upmc presby allowing herself to heal, my partner let me hit on a pretty consistent basis for the next couple months, but not before a couple phone conversations where i had to convince her that the “hour long chili dog” would never, ever, ever happen again. if so, she had a legal team prepped and ready to sue.

anyway, people of verysmartbrothas.com, how was your first time? was it great, good, underwhelming…or did it have potential legal ramifications similar to mine? (nevermind, don’t answer that second question)

—the champ

we received this forward from esteemed regular ana b a few days ago….

dictionary decoder for women’s personal ads

40-ish………………………49
Adventurous……………..Slept with all your friends
Beautiful……………………Pathological liar
Contagious Smile………..Does a lot of pills
Educated…………………..Was screwed to bits at College
Emotionally Secure……..On medication
Feminist…………………….Fat
Free spirited………………….Junkie
Friendship first……………Former slut
Fun………………………….Annoying
Gentle………………………Dull
Good Listener……………Autistic
New-Age………………….Body hair problems
Old-fashioned…………….Missionary position only
Open-minded……………..Desperate
Outgoing……………………Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate………………….Sloppy drunk
Poet………………………….Depressive
Professional…………… …Bi*ch
Romantic…………………..Frigid
Social……………………….Crotch like a clown’s pocket
Voluptuous………………..Very Fat
Large lady…………………Hugely Fat
Wants Soulmate………….Stalker
Widow………………………Murderer.

(***champ’s note*** after reading this i’m actually jealous that someone thought of “crotch like a clown’s pocket” before i did. this might have been the holy grail of crotch-related simile snark, and I’m seriously distressed by this)

good readers of verysmartbrothas.com, if you could add your own “dictionary decoding” words for either gender, what would they be?

—vsb

there are two types of people in this world….those felt that omar was easily the most implausible, most annoying, and least compelling character on “the wire”, and necrophiliacs. there’s no grey area, and where you fit in either of those categories will basically…wait. i’m sorry. wrong topic. lets start again.

there are two types of people in this world….those who are friends with ex-lovers (“fexes”), and those who aren’t. with the exception of dissimilar libido, this may be the most consistently underrated cause of relationship disharmony. diametrically opposed to each other, each camp feels as if the other is being unreasonable, and each camp has a justifiable argument. today, in true vsb.com fashion, we’ll examine each mindset, and hopefully come up with some sort of a resolution

***tale of the tape***

the basic premise

fexes: “i mean, if we were cool beforehand and the relationship ended on mutually cordial terms, i don’t see any reason why we can’t stay cool”

the aren’ts: “for the life of me i dont understand why anybody would want to stay cool with someone they used to fu-k, unless they still planned on f-cking in the future.”

the respect factor

fexes: “its mad disrespectful to tell me who i can and can’t be friends with”

the aren’ts: “its mad disrespectful for you to expect me to be cool with the fact that your *borders buddy* used to blow your back out on the reg”

the trust factor

fexes: “what…you dont trust me??”

the aren’ts “its not about trusting you. it’s her scandalous a-s that i don’t trust”

***btw, this makes absolutely no sense to me. you can’t qualify trust. if you truly trust someone, then you’ll trust them around people you think are untrustworthy. why? because you trust them. if you don’t trust them around untrustworthy people, then you DONT trust them. why don’t people understand this?***

the violin (the go to “guilt trip” move)

fexes: “why are you putting me in this position?? of course i’d choose you, but why are you even making me make that choice when you don’t have to??”

the aren’ts: “i guess you value her friendship over our relationship”

the verdict

although i’ve come to understand the justification behind the thought process of the “aren’ts”, i remain a member of the “fexes” camp. if you trust your mate, then it shouldn’t matter who he happens to be friends with. if you dont trust em…you shouldn”t be with em anyway.

honestly, though, my membership is somewhat conditional. basically, if she’s had strong enough feelings about the dude at one point to admit something along the lines of “you know, i honestly considered killing him and his entire family at one point. i was ready to do the jail time and everything, but I managed to get past that and we’re great friends now” while sober, then maybe a red flag or ten might pop up. other than that…i could honestly care less.

how about you?

—the champ

forget everything else you’ve heard.

disregard every other theory you’ve read.

ignore anything you’ve heard from any other relationship pundit.

fellas, you need to know that it’s all about money.

that’s it.

it’s not about sex, or, more specifically, whichever sexual acts she’s willing to do for you. she swallowed? so what. get in line. take a number. you hit it in one of the men’s dressing rooms at the banana republic? sh-t, so did clinton portis in 2002. get over yourself.

it’s not about time either. as we previously discussed, many women will spend time with a guy they have no intentions on ever doing anything remotely physical with, sans the hunchback hug (the teasingly platonic hug where women hunch their backs forward and stick their behind out, insuring there won’t be any type of crotch-area contact) at the end of the night when you drop her off at her f-buddy’s efficiency at her apartment.

she let you meet her girlfriends? who cares. she just wanted to prove to them that she found someone worse in spades than she is. plus, 15 percent of them aren’t going to be around this time next week year anyway.

she let you meet her family? so what. she’s just tired of hearing the “when are you getting married?” chorus at every family outing, and figures that being seen with your delusional ass might buy her a good 6 months of question quelling.

you’re on her top 4 on myspace? great. so is carl thomas. and tom.

she told you she loved you? love schmove. when she said it she was probably under the influence of dgp (”damn good pipe”), and that “confession” definitely ain’t admissible in any court.

no, fellas, the only way you can be absolutely sure that a woman is definitely into you is if she’s willing to give you money. not borrow. not loan. give. give, with absolutely no plans to ever get it back. this is the ultimate test…the relationship wonderlic exam. if she’s willing, she adores you…if she’s not, she doesn’t. it’s that simple

you could even make the argument that (***editors note***. the champ isn’t making this argument, just stating that the argument can be made. carry on) money is a woman’s most valuable possession. i’m not implying that all women are bronze excavators (”gold-diggers” is a bit too cliched for my taste), but let’s just say that it’s much, much, much easier to separate a man from miscellaneous cash than a woman.

you don’t believe me?

okay. tommorrow, ask a woman how many people she’s had any type of sexual relationship with. (***editors note***. don’t do this.) then, ask her how many of those guys she would have given 500 dollars to if they needed it. i’d bet my stimulus check that at least 70 percent of the time, those numbers won’t match up.

let’s break it down again:

you met her stepmom? so what. she hates her stepmom, and she just brought you around because she knows she’ll be allergic to your cologne.

she let you make a tape? hmmm…obviously you haven’t checked the homegrown thread at bgol the contents of that shoebox underneath her bed

your checking account is a bit short this month because you had to help pay for your aunt’s funeral, and your girl gave you $550 to help out with your mortgage? she’s already picked the names of your first three grandchildren.

you don’t have to believe any of this i guess..unless, of course, you enjoy being right.

—the champ

****In part one of the toxic people examination, the champ discussed evil bitch’s broad’s (EB’s)…who they are, how to detect them, and why to avoid them. Today, he’ll shed light on the diva dude…the epitome of b*tcha*sness, and the bane of every young women’s existence****

An epidemic unique to the black community, the “diva dude” describes the mindset created in certain black men, developed after reading and hearing about the “good black male shortage” that’s supposedly sweeping through the country at a pandemic rate

Its a condition, an aura which basically lets every eligible female within a 25 mile radius know “Look, I’ve read the same articles that you have, and since I’m such an “endangered species“, I pretty much have carte blanche to do whatever the hell I want with you. Kiss the ring, desperate b-tch”.

Here are a few characteristics that they all possess. Unlike EB’S, who only have to possess 3 out of the 5 possible EB categories to qualify, all DD’S share the following characteristics. Think of this as a dating DSM-IV.

****Also, before i continue, i want to make it very clear that being a young, successful, black male definitely doesn’t automatically make you a DD. DD’s are bred in insecurity…grown-ass babies who need female attention to validate their existence. basically, the type of cats who would all of a sudden start using initials for their first names when becoming successful, thinking that “t. jonathan butler” on a business card might procure more panties than regular ole “tyrone butler” ever did****

1. They’re straight and single with no kids. 25 to 35 years old with advanced degrees and decent jobs, cars, and apartments/condos.

Basically, the exact type of black man that studies will tell you do not exist.

2. They live in cities with metropolitan areas over 250,000 people

This is very important because large metropolitan areas allows them to basically get away with their BS unfettered. If a group of women get wise and catches them, recognizing in them numerous diva dude characteristics, there’s always another mall or happy hour or convention somewhere in the city where the “mythical black man” schtick will guarantee free panties. There are suckers for DD’s with degrees born every minute (pun and double entredre intended)

3. They’ve been the “proverbial ugly duckling” until very recently

This is important, because the fact that weren’t getting any rhythm before they became notable creates an inherent bitchassness that permeates everything they do. From what i understand, this seems to be pretty common with black male greeks

4. They’re only friends with other diva dudes

All DD’s are close friends with between one and four other diva dudes, a safe number which gives them a couple clubbing and drinking buddies, but not so many that their diva light doesn’t shine as bright.

Remember, these are not alphas dogs, just a bunch of beta d-cks constantly thirsty for attention, hoping that a chick he walks past at the mall will happen to see the SAAB keys he’s “nonchalantly” jigging in his left hand and double-take.

Diva dudes are to be detected and avoided at all costs, and each gender has their own specific reason

1. *women*

They will run through and ruin you. It’s that simple.

2. *men*

Because DD behavior can be very tempting for a man to emulate, it’s very important that you do whatever you can to distance yourself from them. It’s akin to being in constant close contact with a group of porn stars or crackheads. The more you surround yourself with them, the more you’ll begin to justify their questionable behavior, eventually leading to you picking up the proverbial crack pipe, thinking “this must be a hell of a drug”

Admittedly, there is a certain allure to living this lifestyle. Not so much in the DD actions, but in the figurative thumbing of the nose at all the shit saying that all black men between 17-35 are either imprisoned, uneducated, unemployed, or gay. Despite the attraction to this state of mind, you have to remember that these are the dudes who probably will end up like Champ Kind from Anchorman when they reach 40…

…single, lonely, and unable to function without the aid of his crew of like-minded relationship nincompoops. destined to a lifetime of terribly furnished apartments and occasionally getting “lucky” when some 19 year old working the hot dog stand in front of the club is impressed with his red corvette.

Again, i want to remind everyone about our 21 hour hotline at contact@verysmartbrothas.com. If you know anybody who fits this criteria and suspect that they need help, please don’t hesitate to contact us. it’s your duty. don’t let us down

—the champ