Posts from — May 2008

an impromptu slow jams mixtape comparison session broke out in the comments last friday. because i’m a copycat, i’ve decided to post my own personal playlist. these arent slow jams though, but songs i love that each represent different phases of relationships. i’m all about the panoramic. enjoy

**click the link to hear the songs**

“heaven can wait”—michael jackson

easily the most underrated song of m.j.’s career, and, if not for the distinct possibility that he’s addressing this to one of the members of junior menudo, might be the most underrated love song ever.

“creep”—radiohead

sample lyric: “i want you to notice…when i’m not around”

falling in love with someone who doesn’t even know you exist is never a good thing, but its nowhere near as bad as…

“layla”—eric clapton

…falling in love with your best friends girl, and subsequently writing a song about her which contained a piano riff that would be forever immortalized by the movie “goodfellas” and heard by billions of people.

“sweet love”—method man, featuring street life and cappadonna

sample lyric: “No doubt, you got the best trout there can be/Not an everyday, average, Chicken of the Sea, candidate for H.I.V./ You’d rather deal with monogamy/ Queen to be held, Black Mahogany”

what do you think is worse? the fact that my college boning mixtape consisted of nothing but wu songs, or the fact that i plagiarized a line from this song and made it into a poem that directly led to me getting some ass…and then played the song while i was doing it? nevermind. don’t answer that

“distant lover”—marvin gaye

the booty-call theme song

“he loves me (lyzel in e flat)”—jill scott

i think one of every man’s goals in life should be to have at least one woman love your penis you so much that she’s inspired to write something like this.

“you got me”—the roots, featuring erykah badu and eve

best rap love song ever. this is undebatable

“cause i love you”—lenny williams

can’t have a relationship mixtape without at least one crazy-ass dude in the mix. you know you got it bad when a song has no actual singing…just 7 minutes of crying, begging, and screaming

“domestic violence”—rza

“tyrone”—erykah badu

“wildflower”—ghostface killa

no playlist is complete without the break-up songs. my personal favorite out of this bunch is “wildflower”. you gotta love a song that includes the line

“You crab b–h, chickenhead hoe, eatin’ heros/ I’m the first n-gga that had you watchin flicks by DeNiro
You gained crazy points, baby, just bein with God/ Taught you how to eat the right foods, fast, and don’t eat lard”

so, good people of vsb.com, what songs would make the cut for your relationship mixtape?

—the champ

one of my favorite writers, bill simmons (aka “the sports guy”) from espn.com took a stab at a “booty-call contract” a few years ago in one of his mailbags. today, because of an intense clamoring for such a document from the legions of excessively horny men and women who frequent this site, i’ve decided to post it as an entry. enjoy.

1. You can’t call it a “booty call.” No self-respecting guy would ever use a phrase like that. Back in the day, I always used the phrase “stop-by” because it was intentionally ambiguous. Guys like ambiguous. It makes us feel comfortable. “Booty call” sounds like something Arsenio Hall would say to Magic Johnson in the late-’80s, followed by them both collapsing on an oversized sofa in hysterics.

2. No weddings or functions of any kind. For one thing, you can’t meet anyone else if you already have a date, and weddings are an absolute hookup gold mine in your 20s (so why remove that option for yourself?). Also, you’re opening yourself up to people coming over to you and saying, “So, what’s going on with (fill in Date’s name)?”, and then you have to pooh-pooh the whole thing and people will mistakenly think that either he’s gay or you’re a harlot. This is much worse than anyone thinking you’re single (and possibly available).

3. No unannounced stop-bys. You have to call first. I wouldn’t put a time limit on phone calls — the hotline should be open 24 hours a day.

4. I would leave in the provision of one or both parties saying, “I’ll call you tomorrow,” because it’s tradition, as well as a nice litmus test — if they say they’ll call you tomorrow, and they actually do, they might be developing real feelings and/or have accidentally stumbled across “When Harry Met Sally” on HBO 7 later that night and gotten the wrong idea. I like the safety of “I’ll call you tomorrow.” It’s right up there with a woman saying, “I’ve never done anything like this before.” It’s just good to get it out of the way.

5. If you’re doing the F.W.B. thing with a guy who’s actually bitching because you won’t let him sleep over, you need to re-evaluate things. What guy wouldn’t rather wake up in his own bed?

6. You should probably negotiate which actions aren’t allowable before you enter into the contract. As your attorney, I would allow ALL actions and negotiate a provision that explicitly says “both parties will exhibit good hygiene at all times.”

so, good people of vsb.com, what are your thoughts? thorough? perfect? incomplete? what would you add, and what would you leave out?

—the champ

you know, its always good to have a few radical feminists (radfems) in your sphere of influence. they make great drinking buddies because they love to buy rounds, they always have many pairs of glasses with angular frames, they always seem to rock belt-less jeans with pockets full of trader joe’s coupons, and, after 13 a few jack and cokes, they’re usually pretty good in the sack. in fact, if i had to choose, my optimum 20 person crew would include at least two radical feminists of equal stature, just so that they could serve as go-to weekend human crutches (when you wrap each arm around a friend while leaving the bar and too drunk to walk)

a couple weeks ago, i went out for a drink with my lone remaining radfem buddy, who was mildly upset with her string of (her words) “wack-chunk relationships”. apparently, there’s been a distinct pattern with each of the last 5 or 6 guys she’s dated: initial red-hot intensity (read: “frequent and delirious sex”), followed by the men becoming aggressively nonchalant and losing interest…a literal beginning bang and ending whimper

now, although my radfem bubby is an, ummm, radfem, she possesses all the stereotypical characteristics men typically look for in women (read: she’s pretty banging. i’d even say she’s the best looking white woman i’ve ever been cool with. )…the last person you’d think would have men lose interest, and i was curious to figure out why this was happening.

this curiosity lasted for approximately two minutes, ending soon after i asked her one question:

“how do you typically meet guys?”

her response…

“you know me. if i see someone i like, i pounce”

…told me everything i needed to know.

this, the “aggressive nonchalance” is what typically eventually happens when women approach men, which is why i’ve always maintained that women should never do it.

now, admittedly, most guys would probably say that i’m nuts for saying this, that they wish more women approached instead of just standing patiently in the weeds with their thumbs up their finely coiffed asses, that theres no bigger ego boost than getting propositioned by an attractive and sober woman, and i understand that sentiment, because i feel the exact same way, lol.

thing is, from a relationship standpoint, a woman making the first move usurps one of a man’s most basic duties: to show a woman that he has enough balls to approach her. stripping us of that can give us the (usually true) idea that things will be excessively easy (pun intended and double entendre intended), and strips the women of one of natures inherent bitchassedness filters. the aggressive nonchalance typically occurs because he’s not really that interested…if he was he would have approached her

now, again, I’m not saying women don’t have a part in this. just as it’s our job to approach if we’re interested, its their job to make themselves somewhat approachable if they’re interested. smiling, eye contact, starting conversations, subtly making your relationship status clear, responsive body language fedexing thongs to his cubicle all of this is perfectly within a women’s wheelhouse. walking up to him and saying “hey, i’ve been noticing you for a while and i think you’re sexy. lemme have your number” is not

honestly, and i’m challenging the readers to prove me wrong, i’ve never actually seen it work. yeah, they may have dated a few times and exchanged some seminal fluid for a while, but i’ve never actually heard any first-hand testimony from a long-standing couple who initially met when the woman “bagged” him. not once. again, good people of vsb.com, i’m challenging someone to prove me wrong.

of course, i told my radfem friend all of this, and, of course, she didn’t listen to any of my advice. a few hours later, she actually approached a guy at the bar who she thought looked like a “hotter, younger, and straighter anderson cooper”.

moral of the story: i think i have an alcohol problem

—the champ

“yeah, yeah, yeah…writing about diva dudes and cambodian breast milk is all well and good, but when do one of you “smart” brothas plan on giving us some tips on what we really care about: how to put it down in the bedroom?”

i’ve received dozens of variants of this question since this site’s inception, easily becoming our most requested topic idea. with this in mind, i’ve decided today to share with everyone the champs comprehensive, omniscient, all-encompassing, and all-inclusive two part guide detailing absolutely everything you need to do to insure that you and your partner will always have the best sex that you all can possibly have.

this is the sex guide to end all sex guides. the alpha and the omega. transcending gender as each part applies equally to both men and women, this will be the only sex guide you’ll ever read that will cover any and everything you personally need to know to make you the sultan of the sack, the bedroom bigwag, the coitus king, the queif queen. take notes.

part one: check your effing ego at the door.

part two: pay attention.

the end

—the champ

I don’t know where you are, but here in Washington, D.C., we cannot wait for summer to hit. For whatever reason, it’s been rather cool the past few days. But that hasn’t stopped people from coming outside dressed in next to nothing.

Yep, summer’s right around the corner. What that means is folks will start going on outdoor dates and gazing in each other’s eyes whilst they sit amongst the billion glades of grass around them. Oh to be one with nature.

Well the summertime fun got me to thinking about something. One of my favorite activities used to be going to the zoo; a brotha really likes panda bear exhibits. Maybe it’s because they’re mixed like me. Me no know.

And do you know what a terrible date the zoo makes when you’re still trying to feel each other out…innocently?

Terrible date you say?

Yep terrible. And let me tell you why. It’s a terrible date because its the kind of place that people fall in love. It’s hard to fawn jointly over a fuzzy wittle animaw and not catch feelings. You see, zoos bring out the little kid in all of us and our innocence and inner good person shows up — and that’s hard to resist. Women cannot help themselves but to fall in love with a man who can appreciate a polar bear. And men can’t stop themselves from finding their date to be insanely precious while she tries not to get bit by the camel she just has to pet.

Cute shit? Death knell for relegating a chick or dude to just “smash off potential”.

I feel the same about feeding ducks or birdfeeding in a park. Both terrible things to do if you’re not trying to fall in love.

With that in mind, what are some other places or activities you shouldn’t participate in with a date if you’re not trying to fall in love?

Be creative — somewhere out there is a person who needs to know where not to take their date because they don’t want to fall in love. And we can help them.

It’s not only our duty to please that booty…it’s our duty to scrub that love.

–PANAMA JACKSON aka VSB P aka Soul Brotha #2

I received this letter in an email from a chick trying to explain to me why she was single. Apparently this laundry list of excuses utter non-sense bull malarkey horseshit declarations helped her to illustrate why she was, indeed, single. You may have heard of Nina Brown. If not, google her.

I call bullshit. But perhaps I just THINK all of these proclamations are a cry for help. Could be me.

-VSB P aka Soul Brotha #2

(DISCLAIMER: This is long.)

***************************************

Why I’m Single

by Nina Brown

I am single because I have a 6 year old son who soaks up everything like a sponge and I haven’t met too many men who would leave an impression on him I would be proud of.

I am single because I have a fabulous job that consumes so much of my time.

I am single because I am a “single black female addicted to retail” and when the going gets tough, I spend my money on very expensive jeans or a fabulous new designer hand bag. I spend my own money on my fetishes because I never want to feel like I owe a man anything because he bought me something .

I am single because after 3 months of dating, you cut me off with no explanation… only for me to realize, you’ve been engaged to be married the entire time. It’s unfortunate a radio show had to bring the truth out. Wow, thanks for copying on me the non-existent memo.

I am single because I can be very stubborn. I refuse to lower my standards because of the shortage of available, straight men.

I am single because I have an obsession with swagger and I refuse to date a man who lacks it.

I am single because my vision is grand, and my man has to understand that, and be working on his own incredible vision simultaneously.

I am single because I am quick witted and extremely driven. I will not date a “slow lane” dude. I’d like my man to drive faster than I do, so that I can be challenged by a new speed and inspired to “keep up”.

I am single because I will never allow a man to make me feel like I’m not the shit. Even when my skin isn’t perfect, my waist isn’t the smallest and my booty isn’t the biggest… I’m still the shit.

I am single because I have an incredible Daddy who raised me, I understand what a stand up dude is. I expect my man to take care of his children, woman and household just as my Daddy did. There is no excuse.

I am single because I work in a male dominated industry and most men can’t handle the fact I’m around other powerful, popular and well-connected men 24/7.

I am single because I have more backbone than a lot of men and I don’t always want to be the “driver”. I’d like to ride shotgun every once in a while, as my man takes over. He’ll never have to worry about my ability to drive, when he’s tired, I’ll gladly take over.

I am single because I can carry my own weight. Most men have ego’s that need to be stroked, so they seek needy women to make them feel like “men”, looking down upon “independent women”. Fortunately, I’m not looking for a “daddy”, I’ve got one. I’m looking for an “equal” who can help me take over the world.

I am single because my male mentors expose me to things most men can’t, like fine dining and traveling to new places some only experience thru the Discovery Channel. I would never expect a man to attempt to keep up with another, but its a state of mind, I need my man to want to expose me to new shit. Teach me something I don’t already know, show me something I haven’t already seen. If you can’t physically or financially do that, be able to do it mentally, it does count.

I am single because I have a zero tolerance for ignorance.

I am single because the one guy who captured my heart, happens to be a lil busy taking over the world, managing a multi-platinum artist and running a successful record label, timing is everything… and it wasn’t our time. I fell in love with his work ethic, so I could never stand in the way of his grind. I watch from afar in amazement at his growth. Proud of everything he has accomplished and who he has become. I fall back easily, knowing you win some and you lose some… And if you’re lucky, you remain friends for a lifetime, which means… you never really lost.

I am single because I expect my man to lead, and quite honestly, the majority of men these days have no idea where they’re going… And I’m supposed to follow you???

I am single because I will not sweat or stalk you, regardless of how fine you might be… I’ve got pride and a life.

I am single because I choose to keep a good reputation, I will not sleep with you because you drive a flashy car, rock $500 Evisu jeans or have an icy watch and chain to match. Often times, that’s all you’ve got… these 4 things.

I am single because I’m attracted to the hip hop culture and sometimes shy away from everything else. I should keep my options open, but I’m addicted to swagger, its not my fault.

I am single because sometimes I’d rather sleep then be on the social scene. I wake up at 3:30 am, 5 days a week… You have to be the SHIT to make me sacrifice my R & R.

I am single because I’d sometimes rath er hang out with my fabulous girlfriends then play the “get to know you” game with some new dude. My girlfriends mean guaranteed laughter and good times, can you guarantee that?

I am single because I don’t want to inherit your baby mama drama… My sons father is one of the most unselfish men I’ve ever met. I thank God I don’t have baby daddy drama, why welcome yours?

I am single because some men are intimidated by my profession.

I am single because I refuse to play the sideline chick. I’m a good girl, if that doesn’t make you want to make me number one, I keep it moving.

I am single because I don’t want to meet your kids on the second date, just because you date, doesn’t mean your children do too… I need a man who understands that.

I am single because I think male groupies are the lowest form of man. I see the groupie in a lot of men before they see it in themselves. Its disgusting.

I am single because I realize some men want to be affiliated with my connections and reap the benefits of my profession. If I were the same chick and working at QT, you wouldn’t be that pressed.

I am single because the most important men in my life told me, I deserve the best, and now, that’s what I want.

I am single because I will not tolerate being lied too. What an insult to my intelligence.

I am single because I have a phobia for the down low. I need a man who digs women… Only!

I am single because I walk away at the first sight of a “red flag”. I have an incurable syndrome called “quick-to-cut-a-nigga-off”. Surprisingly, men suffer from psycho behavior too… Funny, I thought that was just a “girl thing”???

I am single because I choose to be. When the right man comes along who truly deserves my love, I will not doubt, second guess or conditionally love him. He will have me, and ALL of me. I will hold no punches and always be honest, yet compromising, realizing anything worth having requires hard work. I won’t expect a relationship shortcut, I’ll welcome the long route and enjoy the scenery along the way.

Just my thoughts,
Nina Brown

I’ll never understand for the life of me why two people who are dating will give one another the passwords to their personal email or voicemail accounts. There’s no way in high Hell that I’d ever give up that information. I really don’t see a reason or a need for a significant other to have it. Everybody is entitled to some semblance of privacy in a relationship and chances are that email and cell phones are the last bastions of privacy for both parties involved.

Now it can be said that if you have nothing to hide then it shouldn’t matter. And you’re right. Except you’re not. Just because you have nothing to hide doesn’t mean you should share everything. But of course, not everybody is as smart as I am and many people get duped into giving up their personal information under the guise of full disclosure. Which brings up two questions:

1) If you have your significant other’s password, does that give you freedom to peruse their accounts?
2) Say they didn’t give it to you, but you have it, if you find something that causes you discomfort, are you allowed to bring it up?

Oy vey. Can of worms? Consider yourself opened.

Somehow, in my brain of brains, I don’t think having passwords gives you the freedom to search as you please. But I also realize that temptation is a mother and if a relationship is having issues, the urge to surf thru email to potentially find a culprit is hard to fend off.

(Which is of course why I’d never give up my passwords. Why give somebody the keys to a car you don’t want them to drive? It’s like Halle Berry standing in your living room dripping wet with a condom in one hand and a bottle of Patron in the other with a sign around her neck that says “Don’t touch or I’ll disappear” – that just sucks all the way around.)

However, I think that if you do search through email, then you reserve the right to shut the fuck up about whatever you find and you should deal with it on your own. For one, you have no business going through emails. In the second place, you have no right to question somebody about some shit you found while you were doing something you shouldn’t have been doing in the first place. And I’m an evil enough bastard that I would hope you’d come across something that would drive you apeshit — so apeshit, in fact, that you’d have to bring it to me and hang yourself.

For me, once I’ve lost trust, you might as well just go on ahead and walk it out like an usher because I probably don’t want to see you again.

Babyface asked when could he see you again. Me? Give me the keys to the range and don’t forget to move, bitch. Get out the way.

I’m genuinely interested in responses to those two questions. I tend to think that women are more likely to go through their man’s shit than a man is to go through a woman’s…however, I know both men and women who’ve done both.

To snoop or not to snoop? That is the question.

–PANAMA JACKSON