Posts from — April 2008

Nothing irks me more than somebody passing off incorrect knowledge as a matter-of-fact truth. (Wait, that’s a lie. Sports teams from Boston, T-Mobile’s customer care and women who sound like Remy Ma irk me a bit more, but that’s besides the point)

This practice is especially prevalent when speaking about relationships, where many people swear by opinions and theories that are more idiotic than deshawn stevenson.

nowhere else is this more evident than the “fact” that men are typically willy-nilly in regards to dating; seeing and juggling multiple chicks without a concern or care in the world….a fact which couldn’t be further from the truth. we ALWAYS date with a concern, or, better yet, expectations, while in fact…

…women are actually the ones who will date without expectations. it’s women that’ll go out with someone, happy to get a free meal and a couple mojitos in preparation for the f-buddy coming over later, immediately after her “no-expectations” date….sometimes even having the date unknowingly drop them off at the f-buddy’s house!

ladies, don’t bother denying this because i know personally that this occurs. i’ve been that f-buddy, and, admittedly, i might have been at the other end of the equation as well. this scenario, which i’ve coined TCSE (the coldest shoulder ever) is quite possibly the cruelest accepted dating practice known to man, concrete proof that all women are direct descendants of dick cheney.

On the other hand, men don’t date unless we have some type of expectation. We don’t go on “dates” just to chill because we’re bored, or just because it’s nice out and we want to turn off our ac for a couple hours cause the electric bill was too high last month, or just to model the new ken cole boots we bought last weekend with the saved ac money, for two reasons:

1. typically, we’re the one’s doing the initial approach, which basically meant that we already imagined you eating salty cucumbers while sitting bucket-naked on a furry stool had some sort of romantic expectation for you before we even knew what the hell your name was

2. money. because we’re the ones generally footing the bill (which, as p remarked yesterday, could easily crawl into the $200 range in one simple night) we have to be extremely discerning in regards to who we decide to spend money on. we’re not spending the equivalent of our cable bill in one night just to “enjoy her company“, when we could have just as easily spent that money on the bootytalk box set on a pair of j’s and the scorsese collection

Now, admittedly, our expectations are limited. Every woman that we go out of our way to invite and go out with is placed in one of two categories.

Category One: Maybe I can settle down with this woman.

Category Two: Maybe I can settle down with this woman…tonight, preferably in a bed somewhere, although the back of my truck will do for now.

That’s it.

If a woman doesn’t fit into either of these categories for us, then we’re not dating her. Ladies, on every date you’ve ever been on and will ever be on, you’ll be sitting across the table from someone trying to decide if they want to wife you or just bed you. Even if a guy seems to be “going through the motions“, he’s sitting across from you thinking “Maybe I’ll get lucky and get some tonight from whateverthehellhernameis, even with my half-assed effort“.

now please excuse me while i go watch “the departed” for the sixteenth time. yeah, i know. 16 might sound a bit excessive…but at least i know exactly what to expect

—the champ

For many of us, the concept of chivalry died years ago, neglected so long that it ended up gaunt, emaciated, and barely recognizable, starving to death outside of a KFC because no one could spare him the big piece of chicken.

Well, the champ is here to say that we’re wrong. Chivalry isn’t dead or even dying…just in need of a bit of a makeover. An update. A reboot. A few minor tweaks and adjustments to help it combat the depraved mindsets attempting to eradicate it.

Without further ado, here’s a partial version of the champs simple guide to 21st century chivalry…what it entails and encompasses and how to make sure it always gets that elusive big piece.

1. If a woman is within 15-20 feet and approaching a door at the same time a man is, the man must always attempt to open it and let her walk through first, even if he’s coming from an awkward angle. If the women is within 20-40 feet and walking at a pace which insures that she’ll be at the same door he’s about to enter within 7-10 seconds, he can walk through the door first, but he must hold the door for her.

This is pretty non-negotiable. Plus, as an added bonus, there’s no better way of getting a really, really good clear booty peek…women always seem to switch and jiggle the hips a little extra whenever a door’s being held open for them. I think it’s some form of a primitive mating mechanism actually, with an evolutionary correlation between held doors, jiggled hips, and ovaries, but I really have no idea.

***Also, even though the man isn’t holding the door just so the woman can say “thanks” , the man does reserve the right to mutter “bitch” “witch” under his breath if the act isn’t acknowledged at all.***

2. A man can never use too many “pleases”….except in the bedroom, where it should be given the condiment treatment: only used with light sprinkles

The bedroom in itself is a paradox where the common rules of chivalry don’t exist. For instance, saying “please” during a sexual act is a bit tricky because “please” accompanies a request. Depending on his disposition, body language, and penis size, “please” could be interpreted as “a playful request lightening the mood”, “a considerate lover”, or “an annoyingly desperate dude who should just stfu and be happy that his cornball ass is getting some .

There’s basically no in-between, no gray area with this, exactly why he needs to be absolutely sure about the nature of their sexual relationship before he continues with the “pleases”. Usually in these situations, a slight nudge or forceful grab of the neck eye contact is all that’s needed to get his point across, whatever it happens to be.

3. Men should always pay for the first three dates

It doesn’t matter if the guy’s a grad student working at Starbucks dating a newly hired cpa making 80k a year, if they’re dating, the man should always cover at least the first three dates. This is a universal rule that actually benefits both parties. If she’s really into him, she won’t mind the fact that the first couple of dates have been at Borders, the cheese dog stand at the arts festival, and the sample soup counter at giant eagle. If she’s feeling him, but does mind the limited spending dates, then thats all the proof he needs that she’s an evil, money grubbing hobbyhorse not the chick for him. Its that simple. If things are going well, by number four she should offer to pay or at least provide the setting and the man should accept her offer.

lastly…

4. Don’t bullsh-t the chivalry Gods.

men, don’t break your neck to open doors for every Esther Baxter or Zoe Saldana you see but refuse to give up your seat for the slightly homely chick with the eclectic teeth on the train carrying 90 textbooks

on the same token, women should always acknowledge a chivarious act. It could be a smile or a “thank you” or a slight head nod or head an “accidental” cleavage peak…anything as long as it lets the guy know that his efforts haven’t been in vain. If you see a guy doing the doorstop thing for you, the very least you can do is make an effort to sped up your walk so it doesn’t seem like he’s standing there waiting for the seasons to change in the time it takes your inconsiderate ass to get to the door.

there you go, young grasshoppers. go on now and make the champ proud

—the champ

It was only a matter of time before Ray J. made it onto Very Smart Brothas.

We here at Very Smart Brothas, Inc. believe in mass education. In fact, if we had a presidential platform to convey to the people, we’d preach a message of education for all. Hell, I even believe in responsible crime. I hate dumb criminals. That’s how dedicated to education I am…I even want the lower dregs of society to step their reading game up.

Wu-Tang and Panama are for the kids.

With that in mind, The Champ and I, decided that we’d like to open Pandora’s box a little bit today. We often find ourselves telling our friends things that we wish our boy/girlfriends would just realize in order to make our own lives better. Yes, we are indeed selfish bastards. Relish it. It is in this vein that we’ve decided to share with the world the things that we wish the opposite sex knew about us in order to make our lives and relationships more cohesive and fluid.

Because you see, fluidity is the cure for flaccidity. I can’t get it up if you keep me down.

(That’s actually not true.)

I slay me sometimes.

So without further adieu, Very Smart Brothas Presents…

THINGS WE WISH THE OTHER GENDER KNEW ABOUT US

Panama’s Wish (You Knew) List-

1) It actually does hurt when you boo. It wasn’t just a commercial. Men have feelings too and we kind of wish you’d look a little deeper at times. For instance, I’m not just the hardened killer and murderer I present myself to be on the outside, on the inside I like poetry and reading cook books.

2) The whole leaving the toilet seat up, yeah we know its not a good look, but realize that in the middle of the night (when we usually leave it up), we’re doing our best to aim straight in a sleep-induced stupor. The toilet seat? Just be glad I’m not pissing on the walls.

3) Generally speaking, you talk too much. It is what it is.

4) We couldn’t possibly care less about your shoe collection. Or clothes for that matter. In fact your fashion sense? Totally don’t see it. Especially when our shoe game is way more vicious. To hell with your pumps when I can look at and admire my Jordans.

5) We love you despite the fact that your taste in music makes me want to stab midgets AND squirrels. Truly, we only listen to you talk about how good Raheem Devaughn is because you also told us that Carl Thomas could sing. We just think you’re comedians. You know, the unfunny kind. Like Pauly Shore.

The Champ’s List -

1) we occasionally fake it too. don’t worry, it usually has nothing to do with you, its just that sometimes our pillows are a bit more desirable than your ***insert perfunctory vulgar related vagina euphemism***, and its much easier for you us if we faked it than if we just stopped in mid-stroke, pulled out, said “sorry babe, it aint happening”, and fell asleep

2) if we seriously desired that your boobs were bigger or your ass was fatter, we just find somebody with bigger boobs or a fatter ass. since we’re the ones who approached you, we were pleased with what you brought to the table before we even knew what your name was, and there’s really no need to obsess about this. if we’re with you, we love how you look.

3) if its necessary that you have to be seen when the game’s on, at least try not to be heard

4) every time you complain to us about those “bitches at work”, we lose less and less respect for you and your intelligence. seriously

5) lastly, for your own benefit, you should probably know that there’s literally nothing that you can do to make a guy who wants to stray stay. nothing. if he says his mind’s already made up, its been made up for months and he’s just now getting around to telling you.

******

So…what do you wish the other gender knew about you? Huh? Huh????

A lot of people stay in bad relationships. This is fact. What’s also a fact is that a lot of people stay in bad relationships because of the amount of time they’ve put into their relationship.

This is dumb.

Do you know what the worst justification for staying in a relationship is?

“We’ve been together so long…I don’t want to start over.”

Oy vey.

I’ll never understand this logic for the life of me. Think about this – if you invest your money with an investment banker who constantly loses you money, you wouldn’t think twice about chucking the moneyf*cker. So now imagine that your investment banker is not only losing you money but not even showing up when he’s supposed to be there and calling you names or not even calling you at all or throwing pennies at you while singing songs like, “Let Me Smell Your D*ck”.

Quick aside: Music died (not just hip-hop, but the whole universe of music) the day that song was released to the masses. If you haven’t heard it, make sure you tithe properly from here on out as God is looking out for you.

Not only is your investment banker costing you hard earned money, he’s also making you feel like shit in the process.

You wouldn’t stay with that banker, would you?

However, we’ll stay with a person who treats us like shit because we’re comfortable with our bad decision because it beats the alternative of potentially finding another bad apple and having to look at the past 3 years as a loss – if we even find somebody else at all.

So we stay with people we have no business being with in the first place for much longer than we should in the second place despite every sign that it’s a bad decision in the third place but because we’re lazy in the fourth place so we’ll settle for fifth.

Of Jack Daniels that is, because you hate your relationship but your dumb ass is looking at your relationship in terms that make no sense. Relationships aren’t investments. They’re the intersection of two people headed the same direction with shared interests that might render cute kids. You don’t invest time in a relationship. Sure you spend a lot of time in your relationship with your significant other, but you’re actually investing yourself and your soul. If your ass is actually investing time in your relationship, then it becomes a business arrangement and I’m guessing you don’t have an MBA.

I know that time is important to people. Hell, I hate people who waste my time with the passion of seven Paris Hilton sex tapes. But if the only good thing I can say about my relationship is that it’s lasted for two years, then there’s a good chance I’ve got quarters in my ass because I’m playing myself.

Remove the quarter, people. Remove the quarter.

Take heed.

Good night and good luck.

(And my people, sometimes you have to read between the randomness. I actually make a lot of sense if you read your computer screen sideways at 612am on the second Tuesday after the harvest.)

-PANAMA

I’ve had a recurring argument with various men and women alike.  It all boils down to a simple question:

In a relationship, should there be full disclosure at all times.

Survey saaaaaaaaaaays…

…hell to the naw.  Word to Whitney.

But let’s discuss this a little.  There are two schools of thought present.  One suggests that honesty and forthcomingness are the cornerstone of a strong and healthy relationship so you should provide your significant other with all the information they need to make an informed decision when it comes to dating you.

That’s fair and balanced.  Just like Fox News.

The other school of thought suggests that you do some cost-benefit analysis, compute a couple of z-scores (very.smart.brothas), and come to a logical determination of what exactly constitutes need-to-know information.

I’m going to present a scenario for discussion.  Of course, I’ll tell you what I’d do.  I’m benevolent like that.

Let’s assume my best friend in life is a chick named Samantha.  So one day, Samantha makes a move on me.  She attempts to jump my bones in a most vulgar fashion.  I’m sexxy like that so its not impossible.  Now, after Samantha makes her move, I tell her how disrespectful it is and mentally take note that I need to fall Samantha back and give her the Jennifer Aniston treatment.

What would Jesus do?

Should I tell my girlfriend?

Um, no.  I’ve taken care of the situation and further, what is the point in telling her.  Sure she’d want to know but for what?  There’s literally nothing she could do about this situation and the fact is she’d want to do something about it.  Despite the fact that I did nothing wrong (which we’d determine AFTER I got grilled to the nth degree to make sure I didn’t incite the bone-jumping) my girl would need to vent her frustration and it would come at me.  It’s one of those inevitable things in life.  It’s up there with taxes, death, and Britney Spears.  You just can’t avoid an argument when your girl (or dude) has nobody else to direct her (or his) frustration and pissedtivity towards.

One point I’ve heard often is that by not telling my girlfriend, I’m deciding for her what’s important information for her to know, essentially taking her power of choice away.  Knowledge is power.  Rah rah rah, etc.  I call bullocks on that whole assertion.  Hell, in every relationship we walk into it only telling people the things we want them to know.  We determine what’s important for eachother all the time.  I highly doubt my girlfriend would tell me upfront if she were ever a serial-midget stripper who only danced for men if they threw bananas at her, especially if she had no intention of going back to that life.    And somehow, that seems pretty important to know.

Is full disclosure necessary in a relationship?  No.  Relationships are about providing your significant other the peace of mind in knowing that you love them and wouldn’t do anything to disrespect them.

Everything else is just extra.

-PANAMA

I have a theory.

It is a good and right theory. My theory is biblical.

The theory? Glad you asked.

Panama’s Theorem 1.1: Most women aren’t who they say they are when you begin dating them.

Sidenote: I’m well aware that many men wish death up on me misrepresent themselves. However, there is one major difference. Men are maliciously and deceivingly misrepresenting themselves in attempts to procure nudity; women ACTUALLY think they are the people they say they are.

Oh go ahead. Say I’m wrong. Say you, say me.

Fellas, think back to when you started dating that lovely young lady who told you she appreciated her space and hated dudes that smothered her. Then think about the fact that she’s at your house everyday and is constantly cooking mashed potatoes. And what happens to mashed potatoes?

They get smothered with gravy! See, I can’t make this up.

Or think about the chick who said that she didn’t mind her man watching sports all day on Sunday because the way she saw it, she needed some time for herself anyway and Sundays are just as good a time to prepare for the week as any other day.

Then realize that your Sundays don’t belong to you because all of a sudden she ALWAYS has something she wants to do or needs you to do which crosses right over into each and every football game.

Hmm…you know this woman. Brotha, you’re dating her right now.

Keep in mind, I don’t think women are actually doing this on purpose or that women are evil liars fixated on making men’s lives hell. Heavens no. I think it’s just a fact that women are very familiar with who they want to be as people and companions in a relationship. And that’s admirable. Or at least it would be if they were actually able to keep up with the ideal mate they are in their heads.

Most men don’t even try to keep up with the façade if they can sample the goods in short order. He might start out as a multi-millionaire oil tycoon at midnight and by 9am he’s a broke, short-order fry cook at McDonald’s again. He just happened to be good at selling the fantasy you needed for the moment to meet his end-goal. What a bastard. But see, he’ll give up the ghost at some point because he’s achieved some goal, warped as it may be.

Men are basically evil when it comes to procuring nudity. Don’t trust us them.

But a woman, oh a woman, will lead you to believe she’s this understanding, accommodating, hi-fiving companion when she’s really just a woman deep down inside all of that…and STILL won’t cop to misrepresenting herself.

You know, it’s a damn shame women aren’t wrong about the right stuff. Like she says she can’t cook a lick but you find out she’s Rachel Ray in the kitchen. That just never happens. Or she tells you she’s not into anything kinky or freaky and you come to find out she owns every porn series known to man and is on a one woman mission to accomplish every move she’s seen with just that one right man.

Hmm, that last one may be a bit iffy. But you get the point.

Basically she’s the most honest, observant, and self-aware creature on planet…except the total opposite.

Oh well, keep her.

-PANAMA

***excerpt of a convo between the champ and one of his boys sometime last week***

the champs boy:“so, d, i wouldn’t be breaking any man laws if i banged eric’s little sister, right? i mean, sh-t, they don’t even really look that much alike, so theres a possibility they’re not even really true siblings!!!”

a mildly disinterested champ: “nah. go right ahead. eric’s grown, he should be cool with it. but, just in case he decides to whoop your ass, here’s my work number so you can reach me if you need a ride to UPMC shadyside“

so, later on in the week, this convo had me thinking…yeah, we all know that we shouldn’t actively try to sleep with the dead or amy winehouse anything that has its own separate food aisle at walmart, but how beneficial to culture would it be if people had a universally mental list of people too taboo to do?

along with providing the amazingly, stupendously sexy, one of our services here at verysmartbrothas.com is to make it a bit easier for everyone to navigate the unremitting morass of romantic interaction, and the easiest way to make things easier is to just eliminate certain options.

so, unless you plan on actually marrying them, heres a list of people you should probably try to avoid if you want to try to go throughout life without ever getting sued or shot at. these aren’t necessarily bad people…just people you shouldn’t actively try to sleep with if you want to maintain your (and everyone else’s) sanity

A direct superior at work. Your staff working directly underneath you at work. A sibling of a close friend. A close friend of a sibling. A mother, father, aunt, uncle, grandmother, grandfather, son, or daughter of anybody you know well. An ex of a close friend or family member. An unrequited long-time crush of a close friend or family member. A family member, unless you’re near the mason-dixon line or the Everglades. Anyone who has ever worked in your home. Step-cousins. An ex-spouse or ex-fiancée. Anyone willing to have sex with you in their parents or grandparents bed. A current student or teacher of yours. A former student or former teacher, if there’s more than 10 years separating you two. Anyone who’s more than double or less than half your age.

did i miss anyone?

—the champ