Posts from — March 2008

Larry: Is he good?
Anna: Don’t do this.
Larry: Just answer the question! Is he good?
Anna: Yes.
Larry: Better than me?
Anna: Different.
Larry: Better????

This (censored) script from a scene in the surprisingly rewatchable 2004 film “Closer”, where Clive Owen’s character (Larry) just found out that his wife (Anna, played by Julia Roberts) had been cheating, perfectly encapsulates a typical man’s feelings about his woman “stepping out”.

Despite whatever nuance we might possess, when speaking of infidelity, we are excessively concrete sequential. In our minds, intention is basically a complete non-entity when compared to actual action. We generally care less about where she met the guy or if they have more of a “connection” than we did or even how long it’s been going on. If you notice, nowhere in the script cited above or below does Larry ask “Do you love him“.

Asking a man whether or not there’s a difference between physical and emotional cheating is akin to asking him whether or not there’s a difference between bananas and Santa Claus. You can’t compare and contrast two entities when one of them doesn’t exist.

Infidelity starts with contact and not a moment before, a fact which makes “emotional cheating” the ultimate oxymoron. There’s no gray here, no “almosts” or “maybe, but not quites“. You can’t breach the no cheating portion of the relationship contract unless there’s physical contact.

There are various reasons for this line of thinking, all basically stemming from the fact that our paramount, our primary, our most primal concern has nothing to do with anything else but penises…his VS ours. Did you climax? How many times? How many times did you sleep with him? Is his bigger than mine? For us, nothing else matters, regardless of how intensely you’ve been “connecting” with him over yahoo messenger at midnight for weeks.

Larry: Do you enjoy it?
Anna: Yes!
Larry: You like his c–k?
Anna: I love it!
Larry: That’s the spirit. Thank you. Thank you for your honesty. Now f–k off and die, you f—d up slag.

*I’ve never been cheated on. Well, lemme rephrase that…I’m approximately 82 percent sure that I’ve never been cheated on. But, if I ever was, I’m definitely stealing the “effed up slag” line, even though I have absolutely no idea what the hell it means*

–the champ