- t-shirt worn by new black superhero, “the optimist”
i felt myself overcome with a sudden sense of relief and contentment yesterday afternoon while reading two articles (”crying after sex, really” and “what brings you to the big o?“) and the accompanying comments
you see, as a grown man, i felt that i should be a expert by now on the female orgasm. i mean, (i think that) i’ve seen them and (hope that) i’ve been an active part in inducing them, but if i were coaching a sex team and was asked by my players to diagram a female orgasm play for an easy and sure touchdown, i’d be more befuddled than eric mangini.
but, articles such as those have taught me that i’m not alone: nobody really knows sh*t about the female orgasm, women included.
sure, many people much more intelligent than i have their theories and ideas, but there isn’t a person on the planet that can give you factual and universal information about how they occur, what can possibly happen when they do, and, from an evolutionary perspective, why they even happen
anyway, while thanking my friends at the frisky for my newfound sense of coitus-related comfort, i thought of a few other things about sex i’ve learned since becoming an adult.
here’s 11 more
2. libido compatibility f*cking matters
while there’s a lid for every pot, some pots require a bit more time on the stove than others. even the happiest and strongest coupling will eventually shift to sh*t if one party is cool with once every another week (or month) or so and the other needs it at least once a day. eventually one of them will have to “compromise” a bit more than the other, and, depending on who does the compromising, this always results in either the low-libidoed person feeling used for sex and eventually hating it, or the high-libidoed one feeling unwanted and eventually resenting their mate
3. “performance” p*rn sex (stupid acrobatics, stupidly awkward positions, sex in stupidly random places, etc) is usually pointless, awkward, and painful if performed by non-professionals.
quick story: my sophomore year of college, a few teammates and i were so consumed with hotel jacuzzi sex that we had an on-going bet with each other about who would do it first. although i lost, i eventually did the deed a couple years later, and spent the entire time underwhelmed by the feeling, annoyed with the chick trying not to get her hair too wet, and irritated by the chlorine filled water splashing up my nose and in my eyes.
moral of the story: don’t watch showgirls
4. while some women say that you can usually tell how good a man is in bed by how he dances, a man can definitely tell how good a woman is in bed by her relationship to food
5. dont trust a person who says they never masturbate.
if they’re lying they’re too anal and pedestrian to realize that its not a subject worth lying about. if they’re telling the truth, they’re future murderers
6. a woman can actually f*ck her way into a man’s heart, but she needs to have sex with him at least a couple hundred times to do it
7. the idea of a woman willingly and enthusiastically performing and enjoying fellatio matters more than the actual act.
8. dating while horny is no different than grocery shopping while hungry
in both cases, you’ll just end up spending too much for some sh*t you didn’t even really want.
9. white women aren’t inherently easier than any other group of women, its just that many of them go through their “easy stage” (junior year of high school through junior year of college) at an impressionable time when people care the most about the sex everyone else is having
***since i know you’ll ask, from what i’ve seen the “easy stage” breakdown usually goes like this:
well-adjusted white women: 15-20
well-adjusted black women: either 23-26 or 29-34
well adjusted latinas: 12 to death***
10. pretty much everyone who’s ever said they got accidentally pregnant or contracted an std because a condom broke is f*cking lying
11. sometimes “technical difficulties” might occur.
whether its because of stress, fatigue, alcohol, or the sudanese rap song you can’t get out of your head, sometimes sh*t, ummm, doesnt happen. its nothing to be ashamed of though, and as long as you give your sure to be disappointed girl a convincing good will hunting (“its not your fault, its not your fault”) everything should be cool
12. the more i learn, the more i realize i still don’t really know sh*t
thats it from me. people of vsb.com, what has adulthood taught you about sex?
don’t be scurred to share, we’re all family and sh*t
—the champ
Related posts:
{ 65 comments… read them below or add one }
Expound on #4 please.
Congrats to the Yankees!!!
Reply
cam1ll3 {November 5th, 2009 at 1:39 am}
@Leila,
i wanna know too…i have an idea buuuuuut…
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Blacklaw {November 5th, 2009 at 2:09 am}
@Leila, known fact….women that love food…..love chex and usually dont mind oral chex….at the very least they are teachable….dainty women are horrible……known fact
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cam1ll3 {November 5th, 2009 at 2:11 am}
@Blacklaw,
wow. i’d never heard that…hmmm.
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Me fail english? {November 5th, 2009 at 9:41 am}
@Blacklaw,
See I would think that a woman who’s too into food and overindulges wouldn’t have the stamina for…extra innings. Junk/comfort food makes you tired and lazy. They put in heroin in the Big Macs.
Plus, doesnt it kinda help to be limber for some stuff?
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Blacklaw {November 5th, 2009 at 11:17 am}
@Me fail english?, i think we are talking about people who have a healthy relationship with food having a healthy sexual appetite…..if u are a food abuser…there is no correlate applicable to u except if u dont care what food is doing to u…u prolly aint gonna care about what ur doing to me and u will probably be horrible
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Anger Management {November 5th, 2009 at 10:34 am}
@Blacklaw, *Cues music* “The more you know” LOL.
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chaoticdiva {November 5th, 2009 at 1:06 pm}
@Blacklaw,
So what if I super love food (no really, I eat like a linebacker), but I’m hesitant to “eat popsicles for desert”? Does that make me an exception to the rule, or do you think I’m lying about my fat tendencies?
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The Champ {November 5th, 2009 at 3:53 pm}
@chaoticdiva,
jello
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Me fail english? {November 5th, 2009 at 9:38 am}
@Leila,
YANKEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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The Champ {November 5th, 2009 at 10:48 am}
@Leila,
blacklaw pretty much hit the nail on the head. women who are extra particularly, picky, and dainty about food usually suck in the sack.
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AnonyMiss {November 5th, 2009 at 12:26 pm}
@The Champ,
I don’t see the connection between the two??
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The Champ {November 5th, 2009 at 12:43 pm}
@AnonyMiss,
lol, you don’t have to. just trust me, its usually true.
(and most men will tell you the same thing)
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Sula {November 5th, 2009 at 4:07 pm}
@The Champ,
I generally don’t trust anybody who is too picky and/or particular with their food choices anyways.
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tnt {November 5th, 2009 at 5:32 pm}
@Sula,
what about vegetarians?
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Sula {November 5th, 2009 at 6:48 pm}
@tnt,
That’s more of a lifestyle than anything though. It’s different (I have my vegetarian days)…
I am mostly talking about people who have ridiculous food rules like “I don’t eat cheese” or “I don’t like peanut butter” or “I don’t eat (insert any ethnic)food” based on an experience they had at 5… especially when the people doing that are guys.
I don’t understand number four. Like, @Leila said, please expound.
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Lili {November 5th, 2009 at 1:54 am}
@Persona,
You know, I didn’t get it either, but I think he’s either talking about:
1- Females who over eat/eat too much junk food
or, more likely
2- If you are with a woman who is excessively prim and proper (toot toot
) and avoids sloppiness and messiness at all costs*, odds are she’s the same way in the sack- afraid to get messy.
*I’ve been called a priss my whole life and have impeccable table manners, but that doesn’t mean I’m no fun…lol
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The Champ {November 5th, 2009 at 10:50 am}
@Lili,
2- If you are with a woman who is excessively prim and proper (toot toot
) and avoids sloppiness and messiness at all costs*, odds are she’s the same way in the sack- afraid to get messy.
bingo
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AnonyMiss {November 5th, 2009 at 12:27 pm}
@The Champ,
I disagree….
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The Champ {November 5th, 2009 at 12:45 pm}
@AnonyMiss,
with the odds?
The chase and build up is usually better than the act.
And it always amazes me how “environmental” factors play a role:
Room Temperature
Music (if any). . . .Dancehall >>>>>>
Time of day. . . etc
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Blacklaw {November 5th, 2009 at 2:10 am}
@Mr. B, really only with women…..women are so cerebral and that’s beautiful…..but their inability to not think about other ish during sex is a problem sometimes
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The Champ {November 5th, 2009 at 10:51 am}
@Blacklaw,
but their inability to not think about other ish during sex is a problem sometimes
this is why lobotomys can be sexy
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Blacklaw {November 5th, 2009 at 11:21 am}
@The Champ, “look hear girl, i think we are moving in the right direction, dig ur personality, our long conversations at night, and our romance is beautiful…. I think its time we took this relationship to the next level…..so can u schedule that lobotomy so I can tap that a$$?”….lol
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The One & True GEM... of the Ocean {November 5th, 2009 at 1:35 pm}
@Blacklaw & The Champ,
dead. dead. and dead.
More on #4!
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The Champ {November 5th, 2009 at 10:53 am}
@Sydnie,
***pointing sydnie towards response to comment number 2***
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Ha! #8 is sooo true and soooo sad at the same time.
#6 goes both ways…
Adulthood has taught me that there are actually male prudes and they need to be shot… in public…
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charli skipper {November 5th, 2009 at 1:56 am}
@Buxxy,
#8 IS sad…..because you will wake up the next morning like, “ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh lawd…….it wasn’t worth it……but yes it kinda was…but ewwwwwww!”
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Blacklaw {November 5th, 2009 at 2:11 am}
@charli skipper, cosign
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“7. the idea of a woman willingly and enthusiastically performing and enjoying fellatio matters more than the actual act.”
I second this emotion. If a woman looks disinterested or worse irritated while topping me off, I am liable to remove my member from her jaw and dip. Never to call her again.
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Buxxy {November 5th, 2009 at 1:32 am}
@Legendary Dash,
LOL I totally agree, and it is the same things for guys… I expect a soundtrack when you are petting the kitty. It better be sloppy too…
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cam1ll3 {November 5th, 2009 at 1:40 am}
@Buxxy,
Word, B. *applause*
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Legendary Dash {November 5th, 2009 at 2:23 am}
@Buxxy, As long as it’s good. Bad shonery is like bad Mexican food. Whole weeks can be ruined.
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The Champ {November 5th, 2009 at 10:55 am}
@Buxxy,
I expect a soundtrack when you are petting the kitty. It better be sloppy too…
how about beatboxing?
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nikki87 {November 5th, 2009 at 2:12 pm}
@The Champ,
lol! i just spit up my juice
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MyzDevyneOne {November 5th, 2009 at 6:22 pm}
@Buxxy
CHU’CH!
Say that sh*t! I want to know you like it…and if you stop before I cum cause you don’t dig the “glaze”…
I’LL KILL YOU!
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NiazDad, enjoying the sandbox.. {November 5th, 2009 at 4:56 am}
@Legendary Dash, That is so true!!! The suspense that builds up from a chick who is willing to dome out and want to do it good its AMAZING!!!
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Monk {November 5th, 2009 at 1:39 pm}
@Legendary Dash,
I’m in agreeance. It’s like being a boy on Christmas morning. You know that you’re gonna get the gift, but the anticipation of getting the gift that you want AND more is always the best.
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thank you for #3. i spent the first couple of years of my sexual awareness attempting to be janet jacme. yeeeaaaah. nooooooooo.
did not know about #6. back to the janet jacme dvds. dammit.
may i add…
1. fingerpainting is more fun when someone watches you do it.
2. toys are cool. reeeeeally cool.
3. dark skin does not equal big tool or mad skills.
4. giving head is equally as satisfying as receiving. for me anyway.
5. sex is great for recreation but a great deal more fulfilling when you’re madly, deeply, retardly in love with your partner.
6. whipped cream can be fun but it stinks in 15 mins.
7. poking a finger in an un-warmed up chichi is not foreplay, you selfish mu****f**ker. oh. sorry. flashback.
8.women are as concerned about their man having an orgasm as gentlemen are with assisting a woman in having one.
9. booty action, whether perfomed digitally, with aritficial assistance or via the reproductive organ, is not the “debbul”. when done well, it’s actually kind sorta pleasant. and then addictive.
10. you can never stop learning about how to get there.
ps. #10 is more fun with someone who is willing to teach and learn.
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Humble_One {November 5th, 2009 at 1:52 am}
@cam1ll3,
“booty action, whether perfomed digitally, with aritficial assistance or via the reproductive organ, is not the “debbul”. when done well, it’s actually kind sorta pleasant. and then addictive.”
Are you talking about what I think you’re talking about?
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cam1ll3 {November 5th, 2009 at 1:58 am}
@Humble_One,
pretty sure i am.
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Humble_One {November 5th, 2009 at 2:05 am}
@cam1ll3,
explain “performed digitally”
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cam1ll3 {November 5th, 2009 at 2:09 am}
@Humble_One,
fingers.
Legendary Dash {November 5th, 2009 at 2:09 am}
@Humble_One, I eat with these hands. I have never been able to bring myself to perform any digital booty stimulation. I’d starve to death if I ever did.
cam1ll3 {November 5th, 2009 at 3:31 am}
@Legendary Dash,
that’s why you have soap, hot water and a nail brush. (not tryna tell you what to do…just sayin…)
oh, and your partner should be caring about antibacterial freshness ’round them parts too. otherwise–yes, shun the booty.
charli skipper {November 5th, 2009 at 1:58 am}
@cam1ll3,
oh, number 6 is good to know…..um…sadly, i’ve never used toys. *boys head in shame*
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cam1ll3 {November 5th, 2009 at 2:00 am}
@charli skipper,
don’t be ashamed! nothing to be ashamed about. you’ve got an opportunity to learn something new (and exciiiitiiiiing). let me know how it turns out for you
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Blacklaw {November 5th, 2009 at 2:15 am}
@cam1ll3, nope no shame in toys or booty play….
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V.E.G. {November 5th, 2009 at 3:53 am}
@charli skipper,
get yourself to the toy store immejiately. I firmly believe you can’t tell someone how to lead you to the O if you don’t experiment with your body.
Besides, some days you wanna polish yourself off real quick…a toy can help you do it in under 3 minutes.
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mateosmuse {November 5th, 2009 at 4:32 am}
@V.E.G.,
Word!! Toys are the bomb, quickly get you there.
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The One & True GEM... of the Ocean {November 5th, 2009 at 1:44 pm}
@V.E.G.,
sho you right!! *daps*
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MyzDevyneOne {November 5th, 2009 at 6:28 pm}
@V.E.G.
I concur on the toys, but PLEASE don’t sleep on the detachable showerhead…
LAWD, LAWD!
*sorry, had thoughts*
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cam1ll3 {November 7th, 2009 at 1:57 pm}
@MyzDevyneOne,
*dap 2x*
i’m actually sorry i didn’t include that. my bad, my bad!!!
gReenCurRy {November 7th, 2009 at 12:17 pm}
@V.E.G.,
masturbashim b4 10am+samual adams winter ale+more masturabashun b4 10am+ some #2 tossed with #7 lined up for later that evening =a pretty good start a to great phukin day..
…I might have a problem however I am strangely comfortable with that.
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miss t-lee {November 5th, 2009 at 9:36 am}
@charli skipper,
Get to the toy store girlie!!!
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Miss Patterson {November 5th, 2009 at 2:13 am}
@cam1ll3, omg…you sound like my best friend from college. ha!
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cam1ll3 {November 5th, 2009 at 2:39 am}
@Miss Patterson,
naw in all seriousness, all of this has been a crash course for me w/in the last 2 years or so. i almost wish i’d known all this in college. maybe i would have been a better student?
your college bff musta been cool, then
naaaaaaaaaaaaah.
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Happy Meal {November 5th, 2009 at 8:03 pm}
@cam1ll3,
No you wouldn’t be a better student. I can assure you I missed many a class in college due to my post- wipedown induced naps ::hangs head::
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Blacklaw {November 5th, 2009 at 2:14 am}
@cam1ll3, id like to buy you a drank….u my kinda nasty winch ,,,,lol
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NiazDad, enjoying the sandbox.. {November 5th, 2009 at 5:02 am}
@cam1ll3, Love your #4…Never heard of #3..i guess i wouldn’t b/c im light skinned…And i will co-sign majorly on #10
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HabitualLineCrossa {November 5th, 2009 at 7:15 am}
@cam1ll3, your post got a tear running down my left cheek. You need to start having some townhall meetings or something!!
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VeronicaCorningstoneD {November 5th, 2009 at 8:59 am}
@cam1ll3,
YES WE CAN…..fcuk! lol
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Ivy st. {November 5th, 2009 at 9:34 am}
@cam1ll3,
“poking a finger in an un-warmed up chichi is not foreplay, you selfish mu****f**ker. oh. sorry. flashback.”
YES! YES! YES! Poking it while it is dry will NOT get it wet!
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The One & True GEM... of the Ocean {November 5th, 2009 at 1:46 pm}
@Ivy st. & @cam1ll3,
amen!!!! *clapping* please say that again!!!
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cam1ll3 {November 5th, 2009 at 6:28 pm}
@Ivy st. and the one and true gem,
i’m drafting the memo as we speak.
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The Champ {November 5th, 2009 at 11:01 am}
@cam1ll3,
8.women are as concerned about their man having an orgasm as gentlemen are with assisting a woman in having one.
this is something else i learned as an adult
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Gem...from Houston {November 5th, 2009 at 3:05 pm}
@cam1ll3, #7 YAAAASSSSSS
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Sula {November 5th, 2009 at 4:27 pm}
@cam1ll3,
I have never seen a list I wanted to cosign more than this one. Matter of fact, I might take it out for dinner tonight.
Keep preaching that gospel, lady!
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JamaicanGirl {November 5th, 2009 at 5:31 pm}
@cam1ll3, cosign on #2, Toys are really really cool!
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MyzDevyneOne {November 5th, 2009 at 6:25 pm}
@cam1ll3
7. poking a finger in an un-warmed up chichi is not foreplay, you selfish mu****f**ker. oh. sorry. flashback.
8.women are as concerned about their man having an orgasm as gentlemen are with assisting a woman in having one.
YES MA’AM!!
P.S. I guess I haven’t got the good good on #9 yet…cause it IS the debbil…
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i learned…
*It’s really not the size that matters, it’s about the perfect fit for you. For some the perfect fit might be determined by girth or length, or curve. But it’s not a universal standard for all women. And certain “packages” result in different “outcomes”. It’s like Goldilocks’ quest for the perfect porridge, when you find it you say “ahh…this is just right.”
*Everything I thought I knew about sex and specifically what pleased me was negated when I turned 28. Something reset down there…
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cam1ll3 {November 5th, 2009 at 2:01 am}
@Miss Patterson,
okay, you’re scaring me. elaborate.
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Miss Patterson {November 5th, 2009 at 2:11 am}
@cam1ll3, which part scared you?
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cam1ll3 {November 5th, 2009 at 2:40 am}
@Miss Patterson,
the resetting bit. what happened? tell me it’s good, pleeeeeease…
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Miss Patterson {November 5th, 2009 at 3:10 am}
@cam1ll3, oh it was very good. or as LD would say “pre-tty, pre-tty, pre-tty, pre-tty, pre-tty, pretty good.” basically, at 28 i learned how to ensure a smile at the end of every happy meal (or at least most). btw, i will continue to speak in code until vsb can guarantee me a spot in the vss protection program.
The Champ {November 5th, 2009 at 11:02 am}
btw, i will continue to speak in code until vsb can guarantee me a spot in the vss protection program.
code deez
The One & True GEM... of the Ocean {November 5th, 2009 at 1:48 pm}
@Miss Patterson,
lmao @ the LD reference!! yessss
i agree with everything on this list, except possibly number 9. hmm….i especially agree with not trusting people who say they don’t mastrab8. first of all, i don’t believe you. and secondly, do you have any good reason for that? i mean. really. what else are you doing with your life?
oh, and as someone who didn’t understand the “babies on the chest” reference from earlier in the week, i’m proud that #4 makes sense to me in some way.
things i’ve learned:
umm….while #7 is def true, i’ve also learned that a mastery of “teeth navigation” is equally important. nobody wants some enthusiastic person with big a*s, out of control teeth going wild on ‘em.
i also learned to be more attentive. one time i asked an ex–and i was being sincere, honest!–when he was going to…get started…because i really didn’t know that he had already….entered. like, really–i had no idea until he started reacting and cleaning up. he thought i was being mean on purpose, but whatev., it just led to a very awkward situation. i still maintain that it wasn’t my fault though. i feel like it’s quite abnormal for a ring finger and a private member to contain the same width, length and density.
i always heard older (or what i thought were older) women talk about how we have to be in the mood and warmed up and all that stuff and i really thought it was a bunch of b.s. but as an adult, i realize that is soooooooo true. i’m sorry to turn into one of those flowers and soft light-needing, delicate ladies that i always thought were stodgy, but i need ambiance. my boyfriend tried to chex me between a dirty comforter with a sour odor and a couch where my bare behind would have made contact with the bare upholstery that all his rough a*s friends sit on. i got insulted and mad as all hell. i just cannot perform under those conditions.
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Legendary Dash {November 5th, 2009 at 2:34 am}
@charli skipper,
“i feel like it’s quite abnormal for a ring finger and a private member to contain the same width, length and density.”
LOL
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Lili {November 5th, 2009 at 2:47 am}
@charli skipper,
“i feel like it’s quite abnormal for a ring finger and a private member to contain the same width, length and density.”
How I weep for you!!!
The #1 question men never want to hear: “Is it in yet?”
I feel for those guys.
I really do.
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MyzDevyneOne {November 5th, 2009 at 6:32 pm}
@Lili,
Yes, tis a sad, sad, situation…
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superwoman {November 5th, 2009 at 2:47 am}
@charli skipper,
i just cannot perform under those conditions.
ha ha ha ha ha, i love you for this! so true though!
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The Champ {November 5th, 2009 at 11:06 am}
@charli skipper,
i also learned to be more attentive. one time i asked an ex–and i was being sincere, honest!–when he was going to…get started…because i really didn’t know that he had already….entered. like, really–i had no idea until he started reacting and cleaning up. he thought i was being mean on purpose, but whatev., it just led to a very awkward situation. i still maintain that it wasn’t my fault though. i feel like it’s quite abnormal for a ring finger and a private member to contain the same width, length and density.
on the low, you’re one of he funniest people on vsb, lol. your comments always make me laugh
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charli skipper {November 5th, 2009 at 1:45 pm}
@The Champ,
awwwwwwwwwwww, The Champ.
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The One & True GEM... of the Ocean {November 5th, 2009 at 1:51 pm}
@charli skipper,
NOT density!!!!!!!!!!!! lmao
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MyzDevyneOne {November 5th, 2009 at 6:31 pm}
@charli skipper
i especially agree with not trusting people who say they don’t mastrab8. first of all, i don’t believe you. and secondly, do you have any good reason for that? i mean. really. what else are you doing with your life?
Yes, what indeed ARE you doing with your life!!??
FAIL!
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Ive learned that sometimes its not motion in the ocean sometimes the d**k is just too small!
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charli skipper {November 5th, 2009 at 2:27 am}
@niteshiftnurse,
yas. please refer to comment 9, subsec. 4. lol
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charli skipper {November 5th, 2009 at 2:27 am}
@niteshiftnurse,
yas. please refer to comment 9, subsec. 4. lol
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I also found that excessive moaning and screaming are a huge turnoff. I sometimes request silence while I am at work. All of my idiosyncracies come to the forefront while I am sexing. I morph into Larry David. Chit chatting and ish.
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charli skipper {November 5th, 2009 at 2:36 am}
@Legendary Dash,
oh, that reminds me. i learned that it’s hard for me not to get loud if that’s where my spirit feels like taking it. lol. which is pretty new to me, because i’m usually pretty coy with the boys. but on the flip side, i also learned that i’m not good at faking it. at.all. i will literally give you a cold fish-eyed stare if i’m not feelin it. life is just too short for me to be giving folks unnecessary kudos and props.
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Legendary Dash {November 5th, 2009 at 2:41 am}
@charli skipper, I feel you on that. Thanks to the magic of condoms I have faked my way out of bad action. If it aint hitting right, it is best for everyone involved if the act is terminated.
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The Champ {November 5th, 2009 at 11:08 am}
@Legendary Dash,
Thanks to the magic of condoms I have faked my way out of bad action. If it aint hitting right, it is best for everyone involved if the act is terminated.
***nodding head in shameful recognition***
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Lil'T {November 5th, 2009 at 11:22 am}
@Legendary Dash,
See, I can get a bit loud if the mood is right…but nothing beats a hand over the mouth and some “ssshhh”ing close to the ear. It’ll drive the screamer wild and you get some peace of mind.
the more you know…
*shooting star*
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cam1ll3 {November 5th, 2009 at 6:40 pm}
@Lil’T,
*bing bing bing biiiiiing*
(also taking notes “tell him if he wants me to shut up put his hand over my mouth”)
mateosmuse {November 5th, 2009 at 4:38 am}
@charli skipper,
i hear u on the faking. I cannot(maybe will not) fake it.
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MyzDevyneOne {November 5th, 2009 at 6:40 pm}
@charli skipper,
I heart you!
*e-hugs*
I stopped faking it many years ago for that reason…its bad for me sure, but on a grander scale it is doing the gentleman in question a GREAT disservice. He relly thinks he’s doing something! No sir. I will tell you what it is, so you don’t come to no one else bed with that lame ass ” I know you like this d*ck” talk. FAIL sir, just FAIL!!
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cam1ll3 {November 5th, 2009 at 2:48 am}
@Legendary Dash,
but ‘dash…if you layin’ out dowwwwn…folk still gotta be quiet? that’s mean.
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Legendary Dash {November 5th, 2009 at 2:57 am}
@cam1ll3, A lot of women are screaming at the top of their lungs before I have even had the chance to enter. Plus the silence thing is an old habit. Most of my early sexual experiences had to be done in quiet.
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Lili {November 5th, 2009 at 4:05 am}
@Legendary Dash,
If they’re screaming before you enter, you should just refrain from entering.
Then they will not only look foolish, but feel foolish as well.
THEN you enter. And you’ve got your silence.
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cam1ll3 {November 5th, 2009 at 4:13 am}
@Lili,
*dap* i like the way you think.
Lili {November 5th, 2009 at 4:22 am}
@cam1ll3,
Great minds dear friend, great minds.
Lili {November 5th, 2009 at 4:19 am}
@Legendary Dash,
Silence is cool and all because good sex truly doesn’t require extra noise while you’re trying to reach the promised land* (and hopefully making multiple trips), but trust, if you are putting it down something real proper like, your lady will NOT be silent.
Larry David tho?
He’s pretty funny.
Preeetty, preeetty, pretty funny.
But If you can’t avoid curbing your enthusiasm during chex, when can you??
*Although there’s nothing wrong with some noise…
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The One & True GEM... of the Ocean {November 5th, 2009 at 1:55 pm}
@Lili & @Legendary Dash,
lmao im loving this LD references!!!!
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The One & True GEM... of the Ocean {November 5th, 2009 at 1:56 pm}
@Legendary Dash,
lol @ your idiosyncrasies coming to the forefront during chex.
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Sula {November 5th, 2009 at 4:33 pm}
@Legendary Dash,
I also found that excessive moaning and screaming are a huge turnoff.
Me on the other hand can not stand silent effers. Like you are not feeling ANYthing at all???
Guess it’s an introverts vs. extroverts type thing. I need some feedback, please.
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1) if you just take your time it is so appreciated and usually will end in a standing “O”
dont be afraid to discuss fantasies and have an open mind
2) size matters…..(my football coach used to say over 5 1/2 u good……..all the wyt dudes on the team gave sighs……lol) Id say over 6 is a must for like 60-80% of women….my homegirl liked 5″ and undr but she was like 1 in a million
3) getting ur partner comfortable will pay dividends (cant stress comfort enuf)
4) cooking a woman something makes her outlook on chex that much brighter
5) gotta know whether u are with a talker or a quiet chexer…..then accommodate…..
6) some women love direction but u gotta be a calm and patient teacher…dont be all “know it all dude” in the sac……..but ack like u been to da show before
7) all people should date a few old heads in college to get their stroke and timing down
9) most important…..i had to learn what i like …if u dont know what u like yet…..nothing is wrong in the sex world whateva two consenting adults agree to is cool wit me…..u like it, i love it
Negro Legal
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cam1ll3 {November 5th, 2009 at 2:46 am}
@Blacklaw,
my man, fitty gran’. you are alright with me
i’ll see your drink and buy you one back.
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HabitualLineCrossa {November 5th, 2009 at 7:33 am}
@Blacklaw, cosign esp on 1,3,7,& 9.
EVERY man need to go through bootcamp with a coupla Vets. It ain’t nothing like it to get your timing/stroke/stamina down 100. And to top if off, the second you KNOW your sh!t on point, they can tell. Toast to the Vets…real sh!t.
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Ivy st. {November 5th, 2009 at 10:30 am}
@Blacklaw,
“cooking a woman something makes her outlook on chex that much brighter.”
Depends on what is being cooked. The fact that I consider myself to be a good cook, means that a man making a grilled cheese isn’t going to change my outlook. Now if he gets in the kitchen with some marinated meat, fresh herb and spices, with fresh veggies, he can have whatever he likes.
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The Champ {November 5th, 2009 at 11:10 am}
@Ivy st.,
what about a grilled cheese with bacon?
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Ivy St. {November 5th, 2009 at 3:19 pm}
@The Champ,
Bacon does not make everything better. This is especially true, if it is cheap bacon with all the nitrites and junk added.
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The One & True GEM... of the Ocean {November 5th, 2009 at 3:45 pm}
@Ivy St.,
so basically a man taking you to Harris Grill on Tuesday aka Bacon Night is NOT a turn on??
i’ll let the next guy know lol
The Champ {November 5th, 2009 at 3:55 pm}
@Ivy St.,
junk deez
Blacklaw {November 5th, 2009 at 11:26 am}
@Ivy st., if he makin grilled cheese then this ni99a is not cookin….he makin grilled cheese….unless of course dude put some bacon on it…..then u need to poor a bowl of hot buttnaked chex
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Me fail english? {November 5th, 2009 at 12:49 pm}
@Blacklaw,
LMAO! But most breakfast foods do not count as “cooking” in my judgment. That may be because its all my bf knows how to make and I like to hurt his feelings. *snickering*
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The One & True GEM... of the Ocean {November 5th, 2009 at 2:00 pm}
@Ivy st.,
lmao oh ivy, you slay me.
lemme ask you this — whens the last time your bf COOKED and he got whatever he likes???
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Ivy St. {November 5th, 2009 at 3:20 pm}
@The One & True GEM… of the Ocean,
I’m gonna pass on this reply.
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Blacklaw {November 5th, 2009 at 4:12 pm}
@Ivy St., he can’t cook so either he gettin it anyway or the question is moot cause he ‘caynt’ cook
TiP {November 6th, 2009 at 3:03 pm}
@Ivy st.,
Sounds like you one of the #4 girls Champ was talking about.
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MyzDevyneOne {November 5th, 2009 at 6:46 pm}
@Blacklaw, I fux wit chu!
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well adjusted latinas: 12 to death***=rude! 1/2 of my e-twin is mad, lol.
expand on #4. foodies wanna know.
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Legendary Dash {November 5th, 2009 at 3:24 am}
@overit,
Gifted popsicle consumers will always get called back.
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cam1ll3 {November 5th, 2009 at 3:33 am}
@Legendary Dash,
lmao!!! duly noted, sir.
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Legendary Dash {November 5th, 2009 at 3:24 am}
@overit,
Gifted popsicle consumers will always get called back.
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Miss Patterson {November 5th, 2009 at 10:20 am}
@overit, 1/2 of your etwin! NOW YOU RUDE. LMAO!
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The One & True GEM... of the Ocean {November 5th, 2009 at 2:01 pm}
@Miss Patterson,
lmao she is rude, aint she??
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Ivy st. {November 5th, 2009 at 10:27 am}
@overit,
LOL! This does not apply to half of your etwin at all.
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overit {November 5th, 2009 at 11:32 am}
@Ivy st., oh i know, lol.
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The One & True GEM... of the Ocean {November 5th, 2009 at 2:03 pm}
@overit & Ivy st.,
i love how yall are just speakin up for me today lol
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The Champ {November 5th, 2009 at 11:11 am}
@overit,
foodie deez
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Gem...from Houston {November 5th, 2009 at 3:15 pm}
@The Champ,
True story, this morning I was behind a car with the license plate DEEEEZ and thought of the many ways this blog has ruined my life.
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The Champ {November 5th, 2009 at 3:58 pm}
@Gem…from Houston
thanks. hopefully vsb will ruin even more lives in the upcoming year
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That you should make sure your man also has the big O…not just muc. There is a difference.
That chex is the ultimate stress reliever.
That ninjas remember the good gotdam fondly and, no matter how many years its been since they got it from you, they will think about it when they run across you. Some may – tackily – feel the need to tell you they remember it fondly.
That you should give directions. You’ll reach the O more often if you do and your partner will think that ish is hawt.
That men love a chick who doesn’t care if her hair gets messed up.
That the ultimate power lies in giving a good BJ.
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cam1ll3 {November 5th, 2009 at 4:22 am}
@V.E.G.,
That the ultimate power lies in giving a good BJ.
that’s what i was taught.
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Ivy st. {November 5th, 2009 at 10:23 am}
@V.E.G.,
“That men love a chick who doesn’t care if her hair gets messed up.”
I normally don’t care, but if I JUST got it done, please DO NOT touch my hair. I swear my bf tries to sweat it out the moment it’s done.
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Lil'T {November 5th, 2009 at 11:25 am}
@Ivy st.,
Yes. I’ve come home from the salon and gone to work the next day lookin’ like who-shot-it-and-why. It was worth it, though.
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The One & True GEM... of the Ocean {November 5th, 2009 at 2:07 pm}
@Ivy st.,
LOL i noticed your hair looked a little “worn” the last time i saw you and i swore you said you’d just got it done….
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Ivy St. {November 5th, 2009 at 3:25 pm}
@The One & True GEM… of the Ocean,
Girl, you know you got to catch me fresh out the salon. Like literally pick me up at the salon. lol! It’s somethin about that extra bounce.
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The One & True GEM... of the Ocean {November 5th, 2009 at 3:46 pm}
@Ivy St.,
lmao
Columbiana {November 5th, 2009 at 5:25 pm}
@The One & True GEM… of the Ocean,
My coworkers call it my “Boo Hair”.
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The Champ {November 5th, 2009 at 11:15 am}
@V.E.G.,
That you should give directions. You’ll reach the O more often if you do and your partner will think that ish is hawt.
yeah, i dont think women realize that we dont mind you all letting us know what to do sometimes, as long as you dont go all drill sargent and sh*t (actually, that might be kind of hot as well, lol)
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Sula {November 5th, 2009 at 4:39 pm}
@V.E.G.,
Yup. What she said.
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MyzDevyneOne {November 5th, 2009 at 6:51 pm}
@V.E.G.,
That men love a chick who doesn’t care if her hair gets messed up.
I love my locs…and my man does too. LOL
That the ultimate power lies in giving a good BJ.
Chu’ch, preacha, tabanacle.
Ladies, check out the section on “lingam massage”…your man will thank you: http://www.whitelotuseast.com
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““i feel like it’s quite abnormal for a ring finger and a private member to contain the same width, length and density.””
The last white guy I dated – and this was some years ago – had the saddest little member. He had started, honestly, screaming ‘oh Jesus’…I didn’t realize it was in. I reaffirmed my commitment to the brothas after that.
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niteshiftnurse {November 5th, 2009 at 3:59 am}
@V.E.G., LOL!
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Dee {November 5th, 2009 at 9:43 am}
@V.E.G., hmmmm…my biggest dudes have NOT been Black…
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Blacklaw {November 5th, 2009 at 11:44 am}
@Dee, that was almost blasphemy
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Dee {November 5th, 2009 at 1:02 pm}
@Blacklaw, sorry…to add insult to injury the biggest guy was Indian..on average they are supposed to be smaller than everyone else on earth.
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Me fail english? {November 5th, 2009 at 1:08 pm}
@Dee,
*gasps in disbelief* They DO exist! *M&M/Santa faint*
The One & True GEM... of the Ocean {November 5th, 2009 at 2:10 pm}
@Me fail english?,
lmao that commercial’s the best
Blacklaw {November 5th, 2009 at 4:17 pm}
@Dee, i always assumed this would neva happen….400 yrs of oppression/big D exchange circa 1864 I thought took care of this so either u dated an indian who mistakenly was enslaved or all the black men u dated had ancestors directly from the continent in which case they were not party to aforementioned treaty….
Dee {November 5th, 2009 at 4:44 pm}
@Dee, I tell him either he was switched at the hospital or his mama was getting it in with the mailman. no way he’s 100%..got the pics to prove it….
Ivy st. {November 5th, 2009 at 10:21 am}
@V.E.G.,
LOL! So it is true! Would that be the reason you are no longer with him?
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V.E.G. {November 5th, 2009 at 5:52 pm}
@Ivy st.,
Yes. lol.
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‘Don’t eat the p*ssy on the first night, it’ll make her bless you, we call that gazuntite.’
Take your time, a selfish lover will find himself loving himself.
Always wrap it up, you saw the size of that rod on Entourage…
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The Champ {November 5th, 2009 at 11:17 am}
@Da Iceman,
Always wrap it up, you saw the size of that rod on Entourage…
?
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Blacklaw {November 5th, 2009 at 11:43 am}
@Da Iceman, what are u referencing ….i watched a lot of entourage?
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Da Iceman {November 6th, 2009 at 6:22 am}
@Blacklaw, When E thought he had an STD and he went to the doc. He pulled out a long ass rod and it went exactly where E didn’t want it to go.
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Yonnie3k {November 12th, 2009 at 5:21 pm}
@Da Iceman,
Don’t eat it on the first night? Do you want this to be the last night?
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Good list!! Shouldn’t the moral of every story be Don’t Watch Showgirls?
Things I’ve learned:
*Hearing someone say “I can go all night long” used to be a turn on and in theory seems like it would make for good times! In actuality we both gotta get up for work, I need to pack the kids lunches and throw a load in the washer before I go to sleep…so 12-27 minutes of sax is more realistic and all I feel like being bothered with at times.
*When you have the D laying next to you every night you don’t get the D every night. I used to think living with someone meant Sax all the time!! Now I just look at and know it will be there later and don’t want it so much
*Regular non-pron star woman don’t want irregularly large pron star Ds. In my younger days I used to holla about 12inches or more! Then I experienced one….I will censor myself and stop typing now.
*Real women perform oral sax and should perform it well. Not the first time I’ve posted that here but Dangit I mean it!!
Can you explain #4?!
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Me fail english? {November 5th, 2009 at 9:55 am}
@Yaa,
“*Hearing someone say “I can go all night long” used to be a turn on ”
Maybe it’s cause I havent mastered tantric but I know few people who actually admit to liking this. Kinda like the huge D thing. Nice in theory, but….
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Ivy st. {November 5th, 2009 at 10:20 am}
@Yaa,
“12-27 minutes of sax is more realistic.”
I think, not only is it realistic with a busy schedule, it keeps your parts from wearing out or getting bored. There is nothing like a high energy quickie.
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The Champ {November 5th, 2009 at 11:19 am}
@Yaa,
12inches or more??? lol, damn. apparently the young yaa was into f*cking walruses
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overit {November 5th, 2009 at 11:36 am}
@The Champ,
i just choked on a seedless grape.
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Blacklaw {November 5th, 2009 at 11:40 am}
@The Champ, that is some funny ish Champ…well played sir
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Yaa {November 5th, 2009 at 2:29 pm}
@The Champ, Ewwwww. Imma need therapy for that visual. Thanks!
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cam1ll3 {November 5th, 2009 at 7:04 pm}
@The Champ,
ctfu!
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Blacklaw {November 5th, 2009 at 11:41 am}
@Yaa, nothing bettter than a chick good at oral D play
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Sula {November 5th, 2009 at 4:43 pm}
@Yaa,
Regular non-pron star woman don’t want irregularly large pron star Ds. In my younger days I used to holla about 12inches or more! Then I experienced one….I will censor myself and stop typing now.
Couldn’t agree more…. *smh*
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MyzDevyneOne {November 5th, 2009 at 6:59 pm}
@Yaa,
*Hearing someone say “I can go all night long” used to be a turn on and in theory seems like it would make for good times! In actuality we both gotta get up for work, I need to pack the kids lunches and throw a load in the washer before I go to sleep…so 12-27 minutes of sax is more realistic and all I feel like being bothered with at times.
Whilst I don’t have kids, I fully concur. Who needs sext “all night long”? Sheit, ninja I got a 6am spin class…and real rap, all that pounding (with the rubber RUBBIN) is no bueno. Not tryinta have my figgy looking all broke down…that thang would have mo potholes than Broad St! Negatory good buddy, I’ll pass…
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cam1ll3 {November 5th, 2009 at 7:07 pm}
@MyzDevyneOne,
weeeeellllllll…
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With sex, you’re always learning, it is a lifetime journey…so be OPEN.
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The Champ {November 5th, 2009 at 11:21 am}
@Da Iceman,
With sex, you’re always learning, it is a lifetime journey…so be OPEN.
***filed under “admittedly helpful true statements that i’d still never, ever, ever say to my daughter”***
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Da Iceman {November 6th, 2009 at 6:25 am}
@The Champ, LOL true
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I’ve learned that there is something beautiful and sexy in most women. One’s ability in gaining trust and building tension/anticipation leads to juices flowing down her legs while she walking around the office/in public. Moral of the story is good sex requires mental engagement, and that starts before she gets to lay her eyes on “the closer”.
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miss t-lee {November 5th, 2009 at 9:42 am}
@HabitualLineCrossa,
Yes sir. *daps*
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Me fail english? {November 5th, 2009 at 9:57 am}
@HabitualLineCrossa,
Good ish (…’cept for juices in your leg in public. That was pretty gross.) But for the most part good ish Crossa-san!
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OrangeStar616 {November 5th, 2009 at 11:23 am}
@HabitualLineCrossa, AMEN…. back to my point of it starts in the mind.
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cam1ll3 {November 5th, 2009 at 7:14 pm}
@HabitualLineCrossa,
you had me at “hello.”
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There is an inverse relationship between how good a man actually is in bed and how often he tells you he’s good in bed.
-That is all
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miss t-lee {November 5th, 2009 at 9:34 am}
@LadyE,
I concur.
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Me fail english? {November 5th, 2009 at 9:58 am}
@LadyE,
LMAO! And Amen.
I’d add the footnote: Yes, big D sex can also be boring. Being “filled up” and enjoying yourself are NOT one in the same.
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Miss Patterson {November 5th, 2009 at 10:10 am}
@Me fail english?, Amen, girl.
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LadyE {November 5th, 2009 at 10:55 am}
@Me fail english?, Yes the one’s that can’t wait to tell you how they’re gonna put it on ya, knock it down blow ya back out, etc are the main one’s who will have you asking “Is it in yet?”
Its the quiet ones you gotta watch. After they get done with you you’ll be asking for a cigarette and you don’t even smoke
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Sula {November 5th, 2009 at 4:46 pm}
@LadyE,
YES!!!!
The well-endowed who KNOW how to use it (very important tidbit) usually have an air of quiet confidence about them…
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Things I learned after “growing up”:
Sex is just as much a mental act as it is physical
Sex will not always be earth shattering but that’s okay sometimes when it’s with the one you love
When in a relationship there are different reasons why you should have sex beyond the obvious.
And here is one that a lot of people, especially women don’t like, Sex is part of your duty when you are married.
While I am no one’s prude and I like to experiment like all others, Missionary sex is the best.
I wholeheartedly agree with your number 3. All that acrobatic mess that you read about and see on pron and in books tend to be more uncomfortable and painful than it is pleasurable. Our bodies aren’t meant to fold like pretzels.
Also there are just certain places and situations that I have found to not be favorable.
A. Sex in the rain is just cold. I don’t care what time of year it’s cold.
B. Sex on the beach? There are places sand will get that it’s not meant to be. sigh
C. Sex in a hammock. Well that one is quite uncomfortable. But we may give it another try someday. LOL
D. Sex in the shower? Wet tile floors can be dangerous. Be careful.
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Me fail english? {November 5th, 2009 at 10:03 am}
@Raqi,
100% cosign all of this. Especially all those exotic places. Been there, done that, won’t revisit. Actually I never tried a hammock, but I can barely lay down in one of those without nearly flipping over.
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Ivy st. {November 5th, 2009 at 10:11 am}
@Raqi,
“Sex will not always be earth shattering but that’s okay sometimes when it’s with the one you love.”
This is so true. This is why in order to have chex with someone past the FB period (3-8 months), you must actually love them. If love is involved, even after chexin that person for years, it can still be good.
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miss t-lee {November 5th, 2009 at 10:15 am}
@Raqi,
“D. Sex in the shower? Wet tile floors can be dangerous. Be careful”
Yeah I’ve learned anything involving water is not a good look for me…lmao
Injuries are not sexy.
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The Champ {November 5th, 2009 at 11:24 am}
@miss t-lee,
Injuries are not sexy.
this is definitely a t-shirt that a really cruel emergency room nurse would rock
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OrangeStar616 {November 5th, 2009 at 11:21 am}
@Raqi,
Sex is just as much a mental act as it is physical
its even more so mental, its more mental than it is physical believe that…..I also agree with your 2nd and 3rd thing learned……
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The Champ {November 5th, 2009 at 11:25 am}
@Raqi,
***nodding head with entire list***
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Sula {November 5th, 2009 at 4:48 pm}
@Raqi,
I wholeheartedly agree with your number 3. All that acrobatic mess that you read about and see on pron and in books tend to be more uncomfortable and painful than it is pleasurable. Our bodies aren’t meant to fold like pretzels.
Pretty much. Like I usually say: master the BASICS first and then go with the theatrics. Same rules apply in Basketball.
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I be a youngin (22) whose only been doin the do for less than a year, but here goes:
1. never knew just how powerful pus*y was…seriously…
2. oral reciprocity is SUPER, more fun for all-esp me, bc in my mind I like to turn it into a competition like oh, I see your skills, but lemme show you what I can do
3. I had some bad chex, made a mental not to never fake it, and i’m so happy i did
4. my box is directly connected to my brain, so intelligence, humor and good conversation skills make me melt
5. earlier someone addressed making your partner feel comfortable and I’m saying it again because that’s paramount
6. people who say they dont practice self-love get the ultimate side eye from me. really? then. what. do. you. do.?
7. don’t be asking me a bunch of questions and ish. this ain’t an interview. find a balance between a mime and an auctioneer lol
8. i hate yet to chex someone who goes to my school. it’s small, 70/30 ladies to men…and just no. i’ve always had a weird thing about that. i didnt hook up with anyone form high school until we were all well into college.
9. capable and prefer multiple rounds in an evening. stamina superstars holla atcha girl lol
10. right now i’m too tipsy to drive, but yo i got my horse and carriage right outside
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Me fail english? {November 5th, 2009 at 10:43 am}
@VeronicaCorningstoneD,
Good ish. Sounds like you’re ahead of the game grasshopper! Cuz I lost my v-card at 17 and it STILL took me til 22 to figure most of this out!
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cam1ll3 {November 5th, 2009 at 7:26 pm}
@Me fail english?,
turned in my v card at 19. and yeah, learned more in the last 2 years than ever.
ps. your #1 rawks! i love that. please draft a memo and send it out to your vss, lest we ever ever forget.
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The Champ {November 5th, 2009 at 11:27 am}
@VeronicaCorningstoneD,
4. my box is directly connected to my brain, so intelligence, humor and good conversation skills make me melt
gives new meaning to the term “f*cking your brains ut”
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MyzDevyneOne {November 5th, 2009 at 7:06 pm}
@VeronicaCorningstoneD
I’m mighty proud of you lil’ sistah…you understand some sh*t the women I know 10 years older than you still don’t get!
*standing ovation*
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VeronicaCorningstoneD {November 6th, 2009 at 9:20 pm}
thx yall, i’ve been taking notes from my vss’
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Yeah…you tried to do “showgirls” move? Absolutely no bueno…lol A+ for effort though.
Things I’ve learned–
IF it’s not worth my time, I’m not doing it. Meaning, if all the particulars don’t fall into place, there will be no chex. Ain’t nothing worse than deciding to do the “do” and not even get an O out of it cause you weren’t feeling him like you thought you were…hellz nah.
You don’t dine on the kitty? We have no future…period. Bye.
I know what I like, and if he’s not willing to make that happen, it’s not going to happen. Adios pimpin’.
If you’re selfish—keep it moving.
Lazy lay. You only wanna do it in one position where I’m doing all the work? Yeah…peace homie.
Manhandling is good.
A kat with a foot fet*ish can be fun.
Footers are overrated.
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Miss Patterson {November 5th, 2009 at 10:03 am}
@miss t-lee, what’s a footer?
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Me fail english? {November 5th, 2009 at 10:05 am}
@Miss Patterson,
12 in?
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miss t-lee {November 5th, 2009 at 10:11 am}
@Me fail english?/Miss Patterson,
A footer is my own personal term for a kat with a ginormous wang dang doodle.
Don’t believe the hype.
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Me fail english? {November 5th, 2009 at 10:47 am}
@miss t-lee,
I think it takes a real ho-fessional to want that from anyone other than her husband. Imagine you’re with dude for a year or better. You know how much kegelizing and hyperizing you must have to do to get the box shut again? And then yall break up? Nah, my dude. You break it, you buy it.
miss t-lee {November 5th, 2009 at 11:04 am}
@miss t-lee,
“You break it, you buy it”
I’m really mad at you for making me laugh this hard…lol
The Champ {November 5th, 2009 at 11:30 am}
You break it, you buy it.
LOL
HabitualLineCrossa {November 5th, 2009 at 1:46 pm}
@miss t-lee, SO glad you cleared this up. I was thinkin along the lines of…there’s fisting…and there’s footing…and miss t-lee likes her some feet…NTTAWWT
miss t-lee {November 5th, 2009 at 2:06 pm}
@HabitualLineCrossa ,
Oh no…I don’t like feet…it’s just that kats that like feet seem to graviate towards me. It’s all good. If he’s happy giving me foot massages, I’m happy to recieve them.
LMAO @ fisting…oh hecky naw.
MyzDevyneOne {November 5th, 2009 at 7:08 pm}
@Me fail english?
kegelizing and hyperizing you must have to do to get the box shut again?
FLATLINED!
cam1ll3 {November 5th, 2009 at 7:34 pm}
@me fail english?,
you break you buy.
ctfu!!! you’s a fool dammit.
Ivy st. {November 5th, 2009 at 10:58 am}
@Miss Patterson,
FIVE…FIVE dollar foot longs!! lol
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miss t-lee {November 5th, 2009 at 11:01 am}
@Ivy st.,
________
I will never look at that commercial the same again Ivy.
Thanks.
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Miss Patterson {November 5th, 2009 at 11:45 am}
@Ivy st., LOL. Subway is ruined for life.
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Dayum. I forgot to add you killed me with that well adjusted Latina comment…lmao
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Me fail english? {November 5th, 2009 at 10:08 am}
@miss t-lee,
Yeah. Almost as funny is the ho gap (27 & 28) years for well-adjusted black women. Like we all go temporarily frigid or move underground to the angry black bish colony??? LOL
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miss t-lee {November 5th, 2009 at 11:19 am}
@Me fail english?,
Exactly.
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The Champ {November 5th, 2009 at 11:34 am}
@miss t-lee,
lol, i like jabbing the latinas. theyre good sports and sh*t
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The One & True GEM... of the Ocean {November 5th, 2009 at 2:23 pm}
@The Champ,
i like jabbing the latinas
does your gf know this?? lol
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The Champ {November 5th, 2009 at 4:01 pm}
@The One & True GEM… of the Ocean,
she actually goes out and finds ones for me to jab
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I’m new to this blog… but DAYUM everything you say is on point. It’s almost as if you’re 1/2 man and 1/2 woman so everything you write is right on cue. (This is referring to some old blogs and 1,
Moving on.
How does food describe your sex style? Cuz if I could have it my way, I’d be eating all day (nothing healthy mind you) Just the idea or thought that I am going to eat excites me. Although I am thick (by no means fat) mentally I am sure I check in at about 300 lbs.. wouldn’t doubt me ending up there if I don’t seriously work out. So what does that say about me??
I don’t masturbate. I’m also not lying about that and the only way I foresee me turning into a murderer is if someone annoys me to the point where I’d have no choice but to kill them. (Actually I’m not to far from there) So you might have a point there too.
I agree with #7. If your hearts not in it, it can be felt. It will be wack and no one will be happy.
And I’ve learn.. and this is to the MEN.. don’t brag about your skills or size cuz nothing is worse than an orgasmic letdown. Don’t hype me up only to disappoint me. Surprise me with your lame d**k
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The Champ {November 5th, 2009 at 11:32 am}
@Jessica,
It’s almost as if you’re 1/2 man and 1/2 woman so everything you write is right on cue.
ummmm, thanks?
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I’ve learned that there is no reason for a woman not to have the big O during every intercourse. A woman having an orgasm depends more on her than him. It is much more enjoyable with a man that knows what he is doing, but if he doesn’t it’s ok. Knowing how to work your own parts is key. With time he can be integrated in to make it OH OH THAT MUCH BETTER!
*The only time this can’t work is when a man can’t hold it for more than 3 minutes. In that case, send him on his way and never let him return.*
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The Champ {November 5th, 2009 at 11:37 am}
@Ivy st.,
*The only time this can’t work is when a man can’t hold it for more than 3 minutes. In that case, send him on his way and never let him return.*
shouldnt that be the ultimate compliment though? having a kitty so good that cats can’t even last past a super bowl commercial break?
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The One & True GEM... of the Ocean {November 5th, 2009 at 2:29 pm}
@The Champ,
lol no, it’s not always the ultimate compliment. EYE’ve learned that men can skeet without a woman doing anything at all. some men just need a hole to hide in for 2.5min and they’re good to go. sad but true.
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if you slurp up your soup and stuff, you’re more likely to slurp up other things….
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The Champ {November 5th, 2009 at 11:37 am}
@Dee,
kool-aid?
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Some things I’ve learned about sex since becoming an adult.
-Some women talk a lot of ish but can’t back it up.
-Women with bodies that are built for sex e.g. Buffie, Esther Baxter or very attractive women tend to be dead f**ks
-sometimes 20 minutes can be more rewarding than an hour.
-a woman acting like she is doing a HUGE favor having chex with you is a total turn off.
- backshots is the greatest position with a woman built correctly
-in a long term relationship or marriage there is a window where you can go raw without worrying about pregnancy
-women can be nastier and freakier than men.
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An Island {November 5th, 2009 at 10:21 am}
@Humble_One,
Amen to 1, 2, & 5.
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Me fail english? {November 5th, 2009 at 10:35 am}
@Humble_One,
“-in a long term relationship or marriage there is a window where you can go raw without worrying about pregnancy”
Expound please. *quizzical look*
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An Island {November 5th, 2009 at 10:41 am}
@Me fail english?
Wrt a woman’s period, there is a couple day window before a new egg descends (whatever the word is) so you can just have at it. It’s risky and you need to be with someone who is reliable and intelligent enough to analyze her cycle.
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OrangeStar616 {November 5th, 2009 at 11:14 am}
@An Island, ovulation is when the egg is released at the mid point of the monthly cycle dear..a week before ovulation is the time you speak of, but sperm can live up to seven days inside a womans body LOL so be very careful using the rhythm method, its faulty as he11, things switch around cycle wise and I’m sure many children were conceived this way LOL
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Me fail english? {November 5th, 2009 at 11:24 am}
@OrangeStar616,
LOL. Yeah I meant to say “good luck with that”. All types of stuff can change a woman’s cycle (how close she lives to other women, stress, etc.) that are beyond her own intelligence and reliability.
I thought the first poster meant the wife/girlfriend can be counted on to actually take her pills at the right time of day, everyday. That is also a small miracle
An Island {November 5th, 2009 at 11:34 am}
@OrangeStar616,
Ha. Yeah, I only listened to the parts that benefited me. “Ovulation” and the when’s and why’s were all just extra words. My only question was, “Soooo, you’re saying we’re good?”
The One & True GEM... of the Ocean {November 5th, 2009 at 2:33 pm}
@OrangeStar616,
lol thank you for clearing that up!! while the window for women to actually GET pregnant is very small (only a few days), sperm being able to live in the vadge for many days makes things risky. know your biology! lol
Humble_One {November 5th, 2009 at 3:04 pm}
@OrangeStar616,
You just schooled me. I didn’t know sperm could live that long inside a woman. I didn’t do it often but I did do it. We were together for 5 years so i trusted her. Even with that when she said it was cool I still was covered.
Miss Patterson {November 5th, 2009 at 3:20 pm}
@OrangeStar616, OMG. Did s*x ed just get taught on VSB? What is the world coming to? (no pun intended)
OrangeStar616 {November 5th, 2009 at 4:08 pm}
@Humble_one, FYI chile, just so ya know..knowledge is power!
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MyzDevyneOne {November 5th, 2009 at 7:14 pm}
@Me fail english?
http://www.menstral.net
Great lil’ calendar for your phone that tracks periods and ovulations…me and the boo swear by this thing. Not a habitual raindancer, but sometimes when it rains, ninjas get wet. LOL
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Blacklaw {November 5th, 2009 at 11:38 am}
@Humble_One, cosign women with the baddest bodies tend to think that they have done enuf jus bein in the show….nah man
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The Champ {November 5th, 2009 at 11:40 am}
@Humble_One,
-Women with bodies that are built for sex e.g. Buffie, Esther Baxter or very attractive women tend to be dead f**ks
this is sad, aint it? even in p*rn, the best looking/built women are usually the most boring to watch
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Sula {November 5th, 2009 at 5:07 pm}
@Humble_One,
sometimes 20 minutes can be more rewarding than an hour.
Make that most times.
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MyzDevyneOne {November 5th, 2009 at 7:11 pm}
@Humble_One
Yep…yep…yep…uh huh…yep!
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Don’t ever, ever, evereverevereverevereverever believe her when she says sex won’t change the relationship. EVER!!! Ain’t no such thing as a “friend” freebie. Get that sofa that you didn’t want to put in storage out of her house, find a new person to receive mail for you in that town, find a new Sunday breakfast partner. Shyt done changed the moment you sample the moisture.
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An Island {November 5th, 2009 at 10:32 am}
Oh, and Chris Rock had it right, if a guy’s shyt is just dribbling out, someone has to step up the arousal level (could be on him, could be on her).
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Blacklaw {November 5th, 2009 at 11:37 am}
@An Island, truth
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I’ve learned that you can go from not in the mood to ready, willing, and able with time and proper foreplay…
Chex will actually get rid of a headache….
Getting the big O from sticking only JUST WON’T HAPPPEN (for me)…the button needs be be involved….
Off topic but not really…Can we discuss the new Trey Songs vid?? Good Got Dayum!! That tiny bastard got me thinking thangs!
I invented chex
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miss t-lee {November 5th, 2009 at 10:38 am}
@numbah 5,
Yeah I watched that video last night…it had me thinking about making some bad decisions…lol
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numbah 5 {November 5th, 2009 at 11:02 am}
@miss t-lee, Chile!…have you lookin for folk in the daytime with a flashlight!
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miss t-lee {November 5th, 2009 at 11:07 am}
@numbah 5,
Yeah…crackish behavior is not sexy.
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Ivy st. {November 5th, 2009 at 12:19 pm}
@numbah 5,
“Can we discuss the new Trey Songs vid.”
I just heard the song for the first time on Saturday and have been playing it all day, every day since. I agree, “That tiny bastard got me thinking thangs.”
lmao!
“Getting the big O from sticking only JUST WON’T HAPPPEN (for me)…the button needs be be involved…”
I second this.
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Sula {November 5th, 2009 at 5:13 pm}
@numbah 5,
Can we discuss the new Trey Songs vid??
On the to-do list.
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MyzDevyneOne {November 5th, 2009 at 7:16 pm}
@numbah 5,
You said that! Damnit Trey Songz had me about ready to lower my height/weight requirement for his little self!
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cam1ll3 {November 5th, 2009 at 9:25 pm}
@numbah 5,
thank you for putting that out there about “just sticking alone”. we (meaning i) need more than just your wonderful woodiness to get us there. so please please please…don’t be insulted if we start getting “hands on” with our naughty bits…we love what you’re doing, we love to particpate and it’s kind of (aka VERY) hot to have you watching.
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Being deeply religious and deciding not to act all pias. I’ll say I like it can go w/o it a while (then somebody’s got to get blasted across the room ape sh!t style). But I get the guilty guts like paster fating days of old. One of these days I’ma do better and get mrried. Then do it like those monkeys that do it all the time…. lol
sliced turkey n gravy. Oyster dressing.
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Blacklaw {November 5th, 2009 at 11:35 am}
@WuDaMan, cant cosign this but goodnyt and goodluck brotha….gettin it in like monkey sex… probably a good look
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The Champ {November 5th, 2009 at 11:43 am}
@WuDaMan,
sliced turkey n gravy. Oyster dressing.
***nodding head even though i dont know what this means***
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Ivy st. {November 5th, 2009 at 12:09 pm}
@WuDaMan,
Ummm about that monkey sex…
It’s not all you imagine it to be.
– The monkeys
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The One & True GEM... of the Ocean {November 5th, 2009 at 2:39 pm}
@Ivy st.,
ivy you still have my head messed up on monkey jerks and the name “stan” (lmao)
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Ivy St. {November 5th, 2009 at 3:41 pm}
@WuDaMan,
What are YOOOU doing for Thanksgiving?
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Be explicit in what you want done and how it should done.
Vitamin D does chafe. Dry fingers are painful for the D as well. Handle with
caremoisture.Something is to be said for a woman with “experience.” *Flashback* ….
Sometimes mouth work is better than wet work.
Larger women got that wet wet. I’onno why it just is.
Underpromise and overdeliver. “I’ll see what I can do” with a slight smile is ambiguous and a lil dirty at the same time.
Dead absolute silence is not the business. Howling like I’m cuttin your heart out isn’t either. Just moan and grunt so I know you’re with me. A couple “whose d**k is this?” works just fine too.
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Blacklaw {November 5th, 2009 at 11:33 am}
@Stank-0, gave miss t-lee props for ur sage filled comments but i like her comments so she good with me…..but anywho i cosign ur post…whole damn thang
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miss t-lee {November 5th, 2009 at 11:54 am}
@Blacklaw,
Yeah…we gotta give props to Stank-O for his lovely comment. Which is what I was trying to and it showed up as a separate comment…dah well.
Good job though Stank-O.
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Complex Simplicity {November 5th, 2009 at 11:46 am}
@Stank-0, Larger women got that wet wet. I’onno why it just is.
This statement right here is da troof!!!!! Team Chunk stand up!!!
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“Larger women got that wet wet.”
I want this on a t-shirt!!!
Team Chunk baby.
“Underpromise and overdeliver”
Suspense…I tell ya it’s a good thing.
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Blacklaw {November 5th, 2009 at 11:30 am}
@miss t-lee, damn u preachin gospel…….aint neva had bad relations with a chick with a little gut…..
had horrible chex with a model….an alleged “sanger”……and a tennis player…….howeva anybody that had gymnastics training and/or track n field…..usually been a good look
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Voiceovereason {November 5th, 2009 at 12:34 pm}
@miss t-lee,
My thickest friends are NEVER alone. And the brothas they get are generally on point.
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miss t-lee {November 5th, 2009 at 12:56 pm}
@Voiceovereason,
Plus we back in season, you know it’s snugglin’ weather…lmao
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Ms. Hall {November 5th, 2009 at 2:00 pm}
@miss t-lee,
Co-sign. Yes indeed. It’s snuggle season, baby.
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miss t-lee {November 5th, 2009 at 2:12 pm}
@Ms. Hall,
*Lil’ Jon Yeah*
The One & True GEM... of the Ocean {November 5th, 2009 at 3:02 pm}
@miss t-lee,
lmao miss t-lee i <3 you so. you crack me the hell up.
p.s. i am accepting applications from the brothas for a cuddle buddy. holla at a gem!!
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miss t-lee {November 5th, 2009 at 3:13 pm}
@The One & True GEM… of the Ocean,
Aw Gemmie thanks chick!!! I got my fingers crossed that you get a cuddle buddy soon, erryone needs some “cuddle action” in they life.
Now I’m off to listen to “Holla At A Playa” by Jim Crow cause you made me think about it with your last sentence.
*snicker*
Voiceovereason {November 5th, 2009 at 5:09 pm}
@The One & True GEM… of the Ocean,
I have someone for you Gem and he’s a cutie..but only if you just wanna cuddle. He’s celibate right now :-/
Voiceovereason {November 5th, 2009 at 5:13 pm}
@miss t-lee,
It sure is. *hoping the potential snugs is on the same page as me*
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please expound upon number four please, do you mean like an appetite thing?
LMAO @ some of these comments.
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OrangeStar616 {November 5th, 2009 at 11:38 am}
@OrangeStar616, read the answer up post LOL……altho I “eat to live”, (I highly recommend that book read it @ 16 myself) I LOVE food.
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The Champ {November 5th, 2009 at 11:48 am}
@OrangeStar616,
***cutting and pasting from comment number 2***
2- If you are with a woman who is excessively prim and proper (toot toot
) and avoids sloppiness and messiness at all costs*, odds are she’s the same way in the sack- afraid to get messy.
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@Me Fail English? – Limberness does count and I promise I’m WAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYY, more limber than your average 5′7/130-pounder. I’m 5′7/250. That Yoga Trainer on Wii keeps my sex game tight. On a more serious note though, there is a disturbing trend among ya’ll (READ: all the penis owners. Wait, PONIT OF CLARITY: All the penis owners who were born with time attached to their bodies as another appendage. (Big up to all the strap on fans, though!)), that automatically assumes that “Big girls do it better.” It’s not weight best and my best moves I’ve learned from my smaller friends (Yes, fellas, we do talk about it–IN DETAIL! The husbands would indeed be horrified if they knew the notes passed back and forth during girls’ night out). Anyway, my most enlightening moment was sitting with a rather conservative friend and literally with my mouth hitting the floor, listening as she recounted how she went all porn-star out when giving head (who doesn’t swallow, and act like she’s savoring the elixir of the gods! Dudes love that sh*t!). Anyway, while this BIG girl does it better (if I do say so myself), it’s not because I’m in the heavy weight class, it’s because I’m no holds barred, a skill that can (and should be adopted) by any chick who doesn’t want her boo stepping out on her.
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miss t-lee {November 5th, 2009 at 12:02 pm}
@femphat,
You my girl femphat…heyll I’ma welcome you on this comment alone.
*daps*
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The Champ {November 5th, 2009 at 12:12 pm}
@femphat,
welcome and sh*t
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MyzDevyneOne {November 5th, 2009 at 7:21 pm}
@femphat
The distinguished ladies of Thick and Fabulous, led by Sistah Sexy Succulent, would like to offer you a seat and the table of “We Dat Sh*t”!
*pulls out chair, daps*
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You guys have me cracking up on here today! Almost feels like it’s a Friday or something!
#3 – For whatever reason I once wanted to incorporate my exercise ball into things. Ummm, yeah…face made harsh contact with floor and i thought i had broke my nose. I am much more cautious about my safety since i am on a high deductible insurance plan now. lol
I have learned that men who nickname their members “slugger”, “tank” or anything else that should be something grand(big)…should really be nicknamed “toothpick” or “little tyke”. Basically those that brag…are usually a letdown. If you know you’re workin with a Vienna – don’t make it seem like you’re swangin a kielbasa. I once knew a guy who said “it” was longer than his middle finger and he could palm half of a basketball. Clearly – he must have been talking about a nerf because that mug was “thumb-like”.
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miss t-lee {November 5th, 2009 at 12:04 pm}
@RedPlum,
My homegirl used to call this dude “Thumbkin”.
Evil…I know.
*snickering*
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Voiceovereason {November 5th, 2009 at 12:18 pm}
@miss t-lee,
My girl used to call a dude “gherkin”.
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miss t-lee {November 5th, 2009 at 12:51 pm}
@Voiceovereason,
*snickering sommore*
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RedPlum {November 5th, 2009 at 12:28 pm}
@miss t-lee & Voiceovereason,
LOL! Im glad Im not the only one.
I felt so bad for never wanting to talk to him again but then again he shouldn’t have lied!
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miss t-lee {November 5th, 2009 at 12:34 pm}
@RedPlum,
#1 rule for the fellas.
Don’t lie on your Richard.
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The Champ {November 5th, 2009 at 12:13 pm}
@RedPlum,
welcome and sh*t
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RedPlum {November 5th, 2009 at 12:26 pm}
@The Champ,
Thanks – I’ve been eye-dropping for quite some time now! Love this site!
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The One & True GEM... of the Ocean {November 5th, 2009 at 3:04 pm}
@RedPlum,
lmao @ I am much more cautious about my safety since i am on a high deductible insurance plan now. lol
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Quadruple co-sign on #7.
I recently made the decision that if I was not going to go all in when slobbing on the knob, then there was no use in doing. Polite pecks and light licks are bullsht. Be one with the dizzle. It enhances the experience for both parties.
Trust.
(Note – still working my way up to the swallow…noooot quite there yet – lol)
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Voiceovereason {November 5th, 2009 at 12:14 pm}
@SexyCool,
“Be one with the dizzle.”
Are we still nominating t-shirts? If so, this gets my vote. Haha!
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miss t-lee {November 5th, 2009 at 12:42 pm}
@Voiceovereason,
I vote yes. That was brillant!!!!
That was like some 2009 Mr. Miyagi type wisdom.
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Me fail english? {November 5th, 2009 at 1:01 pm}
@miss t-lee,
LMAO. Yeah that was a pretty good one!
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Voiceovereason {November 5th, 2009 at 1:07 pm}
@miss t-lee,
Lol. Wax on, and on, and on.
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cam1ll3 {November 5th, 2009 at 9:37 pm}
@Voiceovereason and co,
ya’ll got me crackin the hell up at work! and yeah, whicheva one uh ya’ll comes with that tshirt, i’m looking for a medium please. many thank u’s.
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I was typing way too fast! CORRECTIONS: The post should’ve said: “Point” of clarity; “those who were born with “pen1ses” attached to their bodies.”
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I’m a late bloomer, so I have NOTHING to lend to this topic. Lol. *shrugs* I have questions though:
“a man can definitely tell how good a woman is in bed by her relationship to food.” … Is this true? Can a guy expound for me?
“well-adjusted black women: either 23-26 or 29-34 ” Why were 27 and 28 skipped? Does 29 start the new age range b/c of the closeness to 30?
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The Champ {November 5th, 2009 at 12:15 pm}
@Voiceovereason,
“a man can definitely tell how good a woman is in bed by her relationship to food.” … Is this true? Can a guy expound for me?
read the response to comment number 2 and sh*t
“well-adjusted black women: either 23-26 or 29-34 ” Why were 27 and 28 skipped? Does 29 start the new age range b/c of the closeness to 30?
bingo, lol
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i don’t get #4. Please explain.
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Voiceovereason {November 5th, 2009 at 12:23 pm}
@AnonyMiss,
The Champ is gonna refer you to comment #2. Lol. I just asked the same question.
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LMAO at the thought of folk holding back or being too dainty and prissy and scared..LLS….if you gonna be a monkey be a gorilla..if said dude or whomever doesn’t evoke a curiously skrong type lust or desire maybe you with the wrong dude, because not every person is capable of bringing out the inner freak most women possess or man handling the inner freak..but this is something that ought to be known EARLY i.e. potent chemistry, high levels of attraction which I call when present, the promise of passion………otherwise whats the point LLS
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The Champ {November 5th, 2009 at 4:05 pm}
@OrangeStar616,
if you gonna be a monkey be a gorilla
thats actually how i feel about wendy williams
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OrangeStar616 {November 5th, 2009 at 4:15 pm}
@The Champ, LLS!!!
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cam1ll3 {November 5th, 2009 at 10:04 pm}
@The Champ,
rotflmao!!!
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Champ I’m glad you came back and added that #11 because that is the truth. Stuff happens…or in this case don’t happens, at times and you just can’t do anything about it.
I don’t if any of the women hear know about their PC muscles, but I do. Those things will lockup and create a wall that cannot be penetrated.
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miss t-lee {November 5th, 2009 at 12:39 pm}
@Raqi,
That’s soo true. #11. Or what about when things are happening, but you’re not not “feeling” things happening…if ya know what I mean. Like no niagara falls, no tingling, no nothing.
If you’re with an understanding person though, they will understand and not take things personal.
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Raqi {November 5th, 2009 at 12:54 pm}
@miss t-lee,
Yes, yes, yes I know.
I so love being married and having an understanding man. We both have uttered those kind words of “baby thanks for trying but let’s just call it a night”.
LOL But I have to admit that I have conceded to it not happening before he does. There is something about men that they like to know that they gave it their all before turning over and going to sleep. Especially when they know that have aided in making you flood a river and quiver in ecstasy in time past.
While I appreciate the efforts, sometimes when it just ain’t happening it ain’t happening. Too much attention can make it irritated and irritated means that there will be no 3am mountings when the kitty decides she now wants to play.
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miss t-lee {November 5th, 2009 at 1:00 pm}
@Raqi,
I understand completely.
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Me fail english? {November 5th, 2009 at 1:05 pm}
@Raqi,
lol. I love yalls relationship.
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i woke up thinkin bout this…
the best f*ck is a good mind f*ck….
i’m all tapped out
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I’m going to fully co-sign on 8…I learned my lesson over the summer when dude got mad because I was using him for his Scorpio abilities.
I thought I made it clear that I wanted an fwb and not a boyfriend…smh. (Dude was so disillusioned, he kept asking me if I was in love with him).
….I think I just made myself sound mean again. Oh well…
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Me fail english? {November 5th, 2009 at 1:17 pm}
@chaoticdiva,
“I was using him for his Scorpio abilities”
This made me smile
*adds “Do a Scorpio” to bucket list*
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Dorian G. {November 5th, 2009 at 4:01 pm}
@Me fail english?,
Ahem my bday was yesterday
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atltx {November 5th, 2009 at 1:26 pm}
@chaoticdiva,
He had hormone issues…we’re not usually like that.
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numbah 5 {November 5th, 2009 at 1:57 pm}
@chaoticdiva,
Can you expound on the “scorpio abilities”? me no know
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miss t-lee {November 5th, 2009 at 2:00 pm}
@chaoticdiva,
Oooooh my ex (the morehouse diva dude) was a scorpio, so I know exactly what you mean.
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sweet and sour chicken with a glass of wine {November 5th, 2009 at 5:20 pm}
@miss t-lee,
Oh yes the scorpio…. damn mine was unfortunately an A** but the good good was scorpiolicious.
looking for another one..
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miss t-lee {November 5th, 2009 at 5:30 pm}
@sweet and sour chicken with a glass of wine,
Glutton for punishment huh? LOL
Even though scorps are supposed to be my perfect match, I’m on hiatus from them.
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sweet and sour chicken with a glass of wine {November 5th, 2009 at 5:39 pm}
@miss t-lee,
He was the only one. I figure I still have a few rations left for them.
it can be sweet, good pain & punishment
So much truth being testified today…so here’s what I learned and cosign on.
The closer you get to 36-24-38 in female body measurements…the greater potential for lame sack game…too spoiled from being drooled over…I hate that and it causes confusion. Get over yourself and quit being lazy. And no…I don’t want 2520 romanticized missionary you boring ass waste of fineness. (covered above)
Big girls…they must sit around and practice their skills often…because ohhh myyy goddd. Water falls and esophagus exercise, softness, and experimentation is all I have to say. Now…just work out so you can be healthier…and that’s usually where the Monique skinny women are evil rants come into play…thanks for the good time. (covered above)
Gymnasts, sprinters, and swimmer, and fitness competitors, etc are gifts sent from God…and dudes shy away from them because of the whole skinny is bad thing. You might want to investigate further… they can and will sometimes purposefully fool you in clothes. ::having flashbacks::
Tight cooches are over rated and quite frankly…BORING AND FRUSTRATING. You running away from me does not turn me on. Loosen up so we can have fun…and no I don’t have a five dollar foot long or a boars head bologna loaf.
Realizing your sexual potential/desires and embracing it/them is priceless…however (comma)…I’m not wired in am manner that allows me to NOT keep my eyes from communicating that I’m interested in a woman’s potential/desires within the first 2 seconds of conversation. Fvck it…I’ve accepted it.
Explanation…a woman looks at me and knows off the top…we gotta test drive before I start trying to invest time/money in getting to know her. Call me what you like…but it is what it is. You will NOT spring a funky cooch on me and think that “sex smell” is a turn on. Get your shat checked or just simply wash your azz. AND we are in a recession…no time for game playing. If we’re sexually compatible…we communicate better out the sack…then you see the greatest gentleman of all time. I know…assbackwards…I’m in my mid 30’s and past pretending.
::brings out the body armor for protection against rocks and bricks::
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Voiceovereason {November 5th, 2009 at 1:38 pm}
@atltx,
::brings out the body armor for protection against rocks and bricks::
I think you’ll be ok
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atltx {November 5th, 2009 at 4:09 pm}
@Voiceovereason,
You’re right…I thought I was being a little harsh…but it is the truth.
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charli skipper {November 5th, 2009 at 2:54 pm}
@atltx,
um….a couple of those hit me where i live (and so we’re clear, NOT the one about feminine body odor. uh uh), but lmao just the same.
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atltx {November 5th, 2009 at 4:11 pm}
@charli skipper,
Which ones? Share…
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Legendary Dash {November 5th, 2009 at 3:23 pm}
@atltx,
Since when did those athletes you mentioned become skinny. They are generally thick as left over gumbo.
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OrangeStar616 {November 5th, 2009 at 4:12 pm}
@Legendary Dash, I’m thinking he means the woman who are shapely and thick even whilst being petite/on the small side LOL but that can’t always be seen while clothed
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atltx {November 5th, 2009 at 4:51 pm}
@OrangeStar616,
You got it…it’s like finding diamonds…
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atltx {November 5th, 2009 at 4:23 pm}
@Legendary Dash,
naw…not compared to the buffie the bodies…their booties ain’t big like that…but they get tired of dudes like me trying to lick their calve muscles in public…so they cover up and try to hide everything.
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Voiceovereason {November 5th, 2009 at 5:00 pm}
@atltx,
Not licking calf muscles. Lol
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miss t-lee {November 5th, 2009 at 4:34 pm}
@atltx,
*snickering*
Dayum…I totally forgot to address this earlier.
“Big girls…they must sit around and practice their skills often”
No.
But thank you for playing. We have nice some parting gifts for you in the back.
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atltx {November 5th, 2009 at 4:59 pm}
@miss t-lee,
shadap
lol
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miss t-lee {November 5th, 2009 at 5:12 pm}
@atltx,
Your case of rice-a-roni is all ready to go.
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That is way too long…my bad…got carried away.
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The Champ {November 5th, 2009 at 4:08 pm}
@atltx,
That is way too long
thats what she said
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atltx {November 5th, 2009 at 4:28 pm}
@The Champ,
good topic man!
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Personally, I’ve learned its best to steer clear of any woman who refers to her chocha as her… 1. Snatch 2. Pu&&y 3. Va-jay-jay
Use of these terms is a red flag for 304-dom and/or schitzo tendencies. Believe me… I know!
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The Champ {November 5th, 2009 at 4:09 pm}
@Lou,
welcome and sh*t
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atltx {November 5th, 2009 at 4:31 pm}
@Lou,
Dude…those are the best women ever! Most fun I’ve had…
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Dayum work got in the way of my VSB-fix but I gotta add something to this:
“5. dont trust a person who says they never masturbate. ”
…especially if they’re virgines (word to Borat). What’s that you say, masturbation ain’t pure? Pure deez. It’s bullish! Bullish, I tell you.
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The Champ {November 5th, 2009 at 4:11 pm}
@Cheekie,
Dayum work got in the way of my VSB-fix
lol, i assumed you were sitting this one out because you’re from, ummm, virginia and all
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Cheekie {November 5th, 2009 at 4:32 pm}
@The Champ,
Nope…I mean, who can learn more from this exchange than me? lol
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Voiceovereason {November 5th, 2009 at 4:57 pm}
@Cheekie,
Be PROUD of living in Virginia! It took me a long time to move. Lol.
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Cheekie {November 5th, 2009 at 5:07 pm}
@Voiceovereason,
*high five*
I can’t say I’m “proud”, but at the same time, I’m not “ashamed”. It’s just a choice I’ve made that I don’t regret. When the time comes, it will.
And so will I.Voiceovereason {November 5th, 2009 at 5:29 pm}
@ Cheekie,
Hehe! You’ve made a good decision because it works for you. A lot of women won’t admit it, but they wish they’d started later in life.
HabitualLineCrossa {November 5th, 2009 at 4:58 pm}
@Cheekie, I know what you mean…I was bs’ing all over vsb yesterday and accidentally left this page up in the middle of a comment I was writing. Earlier today, my coworker said to me “Hello Mr Habitual Line Crosser”…FML
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Voiceovereason {November 5th, 2009 at 5:30 pm}
@HabitualLineCrossa,
Ouch. Work FAIL!
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As I get older I find that if I’m not focused, sex can get really boring, no matter if it’s traditional missionary or I have her doing a handstand wearing cowboy boots. My mind wanders around the room and I start looking for handyman sh*t that needs to be done.
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The Champ {November 5th, 2009 at 4:16 pm}
@TrueMan,
this is depressing and sh*t
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HabitualLineCrossa {November 5th, 2009 at 4:34 pm}
@TrueMan, you musta done someone real bogus…sound like they put a hex on you!!
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TrueMan {November 5th, 2009 at 5:15 pm}
@HabitualLineCrossa, I’ve thought about that too. Not that I don’t like it, but my mind wanders.
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HabitualLineCrossa {November 5th, 2009 at 5:30 pm}
@TrueMan, Many a time I done closed my eyes and fantasized that I was puttin a hurtin on a lesbian vampire, so I feel you on the wandering mind…but some handyman sh!t though?…I don’t even know what to say to that right there patnah.
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Okay, I have to leave a comment. I have been eyeing this blog for a few weeks and I always get comic relief!
What I have learned?
1) Never make assumptions about people! The ones who look like they will put it on you won’t! Usually, they are lame with small dicks. The guys who look like they don’t know what to do will have you screaming for more. It is all in how one carries him/herself.
2) Don’t be afraid to try new things! So many folks are afraid to break out of their “shells” when it comes to sex. No one cares about your freaky side but your SO get over yourself!
3) The saying “Be a lady in the street and a freak in the sheets” is so true! I think men like to be pleasantly surprised about their women, it keeps them on their toes.
4) Never fake an orgasm! Either you got there or you didn’t! When you fake, you mess it up for the next woman cuz your dude thinks he is all that, when in reality he isn’t. It’s a bad look, don’t fake!
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The Champ {November 5th, 2009 at 4:34 pm}
@smartgirl,
welcome and sh*t
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Sula {November 5th, 2009 at 5:29 pm}
@smartgirl,
1) Never make assumptions about people!
Agreed.
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One positive thing I’ve learned, since I likes to support the menfolk n shiii… As a teen I was taught that they all just wanna get their jollies and couldn’t care less about you doing the same. (Or maybe that’s just the nature of horny teen boys and immature mens. Dunno.)
As an adult, I find that the gentleman truly aim to please. Which can have adverse affects even when it’s Quite Enjoyable, but there’s no uhm standing ‘O.’ Cuz y’all don’t be believin’ when we say it was still Mmm Mmm Good.
Oh yeah, and still lotsa guys doing that crazed tongue stabby technique from the flixxx. Please Stop when you head my way. Tiz all.
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The Champ {November 5th, 2009 at 4:13 pm}
@bittersweet’s baby,
Oh yeah, and still lotsa guys doing that crazed tongue stabby technique from the flixxx
?
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miss t-lee {November 5th, 2009 at 4:19 pm}
@The Champ,
I understood what she was talking about…you didn’t?
Pull up any random clip and you’ll see this injustice being committed.
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OrangeStar616 {November 5th, 2009 at 4:32 pm}
@bittersweet’s baby, its hard them to understand because even sexually we are wired differently, most of the time, even if its wack for them, they are almost guaranteed to nut…… for women, the sex can be exquisite, and you may or maynot orgasm but a woman can be very and thoroughly satisfied without one……..
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In adulthood I’ve learned:
…while mulit-tasking is usually not a man’s expertise, a reach-around to her button while you imitate Rover is a good tool to have.
…if her head game ain’t on point, if she’s open-minded, suggest she learn to melt a frozen Snicker bar with her mouth. It’ll pay dividends.
…just because she says she’s no good at or doesn’t do oral, doesn’t mean she’s telling the truth, or maybe she’s just a quick study.
…some of the ones who play the devout church-girl role are FREAK-A-LICIOUS!!! May we all bow our heads please!
…there really are 30-something y/o virgins. In the words of Darius Lovehall…”who knew.” I seem to meet ‘em all.
…at some point in a man’s life his equipment will malfunction. I confess, 2001 was a bad year for me. No erection should be taken for granted. If she’s playing the waiting game…move the hell on. Life is too short to squander your functional years for the promise of what’s to come, which actually may never come. My relationship with a virgin fell apart after two years…2 years squandered…never again. 2 months max!
…just because Aunt Ruby is making her monthly rounds doesn’t mean game over…it actually means tighter, warmer. Lay a red towel down to protect the sheets. What the red towel misses, peroxide will remove.
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HabitualLineCrossa {November 5th, 2009 at 5:14 pm}
@Caballeroso, you mean 2 years with..out…deploying the troops?? I mean she was neckin though right?? Right??
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Caballeroso {November 5th, 2009 at 5:27 pm}
@HabitualLineCrossa,
The throat action was mediocre at best, but still, something was missing. Didn’t know to tell her about the Snicker bar then.
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PREEEEEEAACCCH
i cosign on all of this.
also male prudes suck so hard
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1. Don’t expect any man, no matter how good a lover he may be, to be able to satisfy you, until you can satisfy yourself. They take direction if tone and approach is not judgmental or like Boot Camp.
2. There is such a thing as multiple Os for us ladies (watch Opera and shit). Or find a man with a Six Pack (trust on that).
3. I am a cerebral fuck, meaning if we can’t talk, vibe, and chill, beside sweating it out, there will be no sweating it out.
4. Casual sex is never a good look for a woman. I don’t care how independent or out for yours, you keep telling yourself you are. Sooner or later, your going to be crying on your girl’s shoulder saying “I thought homeboy was different.” Make them chase, and know your worth.
5. Complexity, intrigue, education, and how one carries themselves is directly related to their ability to make my knees weak, and toes curl.
6. I like it with the lights on, and like to watch every expression on a man’s face, especially the beginning and the end.
7. Deep down, each man (read not boy), wants to please his partner, no matter what he says to his boys.
8. Something happens to a man’s ability after 40. We call it “Old Man Dick.” No it ain’t the fact they hate condoms.
9. You know its good when your man who says nothing, starts talking all kinds of mess during, and after (were talking a week later). Or he just smiles and shakes his head when he sees you for a good 24 hours.
10. Opening up your eyes to see your partner looking at you can be freaky, or really good! If it is freaky, close your eyes, and hope to God it is over soon!
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Blue Skyez {November 5th, 2009 at 11:31 pm}
@LAlaw,
“10. Opening up your eyes to see your partner looking at you can be freaky, or really good! If it is freaky, close your eyes, and hope to God it is over soon!”
I agree 100% that waking up to someone staring at me while I was sleeping is freaky, actually much more than freaky, downright terrifying. If someone does that to me I’m kicking that demon possessed effer str8 outta my house or if it’s their place I’m sprinting straight for my car. I won’t even use the door, right through the window and pray I don’t break my ankles lol. After seeing Paranormal Activity, I’m extremely wary of sleepwalkers and crap.
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Paying attention to more than just yourself usually results in the “Damn you’re so skilled for someone so young”.
Also, I’ve learned to stop being surprised that some women don’t even expect to have an orgasm despite going out and taking proactive steps to get laid.
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I know I’m late in the game (in more ways than one) LOL, but I had school till late tonight. Anyways although I am an almost 25 year old virgin I have learned a lot about sex, I am constantly seeking information out, because I’m extremely curious (just not curious enough to actually put myself out there like that). I’m just ridiculously mental, so I have to be deeply DEEPLY in love and that stuff before I could do that with anybody. But I’ve learned some stuff like:
1) Don’t believe that hype that the sexual active try to push down the throats of those who haven’t done the do yet. They say alot of bs to get the virginal to make that final leap into “adulthood” Not convinced. Misery loves company.
2) The longer you keep your virginity; the harder it gets to lose it. Even more so it you are male rather than a female. At some point, you start to embrace the coochie cobwebs/dusty d
3) Astaining from sex within the dating world forces you to really, really get to know who a person truly is or isn’t. Forces you to really Abra Los Ojos. No “Good Seks/Oxytocin laced” Goggles here. For women, it also substantially lessens the chances of emotional attachment and/or resulting heartbreak/drama/ busting car window craziness. If he starts messing or stops calling you, you can always fall back on “All that ninha wanted was seks, I’m so glad I didn’t give him any.” Then you keep on trucking until you find that man who will truly, truly wait on you that “waits” on you, nahmean.
4) The term breaking him/her off has a real meaning. Everytime you you have seks with someone new a bit of yourself breaks off (figuratively) and leaves with that person, vice versa. That’s why I don’t take seks lightly, there’s not that much of me to sharing with every Tom DICK and Harry. Piece Out.
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the universal hand sign for sex (stick your index finger through the “OK” sign) caused me to be extremely surprised the first time i saw a girl naked.
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I’m late but I have one thing to add:
A man’s morning wood is AWESOME!! and makes for some good chex!! Don’t worry bout morning breath, that’s why doggy style was invented!!
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I was wondering if I was the only one into morning chex!!! Thats the only reason I sleep over! Plus if you both have morning breath it cancels out.
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In FULL agreement with #10. It’s pointless to even lie about it. It’s obvious that the person just wanted to fuck raw and doesn’t want to admit. Might as well admit it because everyone else is lying about it too.
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@blue skyez
you better go out there and lose that thing called virginity. else it would limit you in more ways than you can imagine. trust me. i was in your shoes
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4 real
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you are too frickn cool for knowing bangs. isn’t it troubling how easy it gets stuck in your head? i especially love that cheezy ‘ahah’!
this sh1t right here will make you want to give him a hug: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s7VCny8JqFw
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I disagree with women not knowing about their own orgasms, but other than that, it’s a really funny article.
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#7 is encouraging. I just have to ACT like I like it and he’ll be happy? Does this mean I could feign enthusiasm about doing it and not have to actually do it?! I’m loving this…
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