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Relationship Downfall Week: The Truth

Friday, May 9, 2008

Just like India.Arie…except a whole lot cuter.

Ouch.

Anyway, as a service to the world-wide community, we here at Very Smart Brothas are in the business of dispensing k-nowledge to the masses. We’re kind of like P-tolemy, or dark k-nights who wield sw-ords.

Anybody else wonder why we waste so many letters in the English language? Seriously, is that “w” necessary in the word “swords”? Methinks not.

But I digress. Our goal is to help those who need help getting through the humdrum and conundrumtastic endeavor of everyday living. And with all of that fluff said , our real goal is to help you realize when your relationship has indeed, bit the damn dust. As in its over. As in you can stick a fork in it…because its done. The Champ and I each will provide you 5 ways you can tell your relationship is Hillary Clinton.

Ouch again. Without further ado…

10 Ways To Know That Your Relationship Has Hit The Skids

PANAMA’S LIST

1) The only time your bf/gf faces you while in bed is when you’re actually humping and then only out of obligation since you’re, ya know, humping and not looking them in the face at all would just be rude.

2) Your bf/gf would rather fly solo to things that just seem much better suited for two people, like sex. Or double dutch. Or hell, playing on a see-saw. Anytime your bf/gf doesn’t view you as the total BFF, then you should probably start saying to yourself, WTF?

3) When the cute things you used to do start to annoy the living f*ck out of them. You need an example don’t you. Okay, so say they used to find it cute that you constantly tripped over every 4th step on any staircase in the world because it made you quirky and different. Now? They just think you’re a clumsy f*ck. Hmm…that actually sucks in more than one way. Which might actually make your case better, if you could suck in more than one way, but you probably can’t, so you’re just a clumsy f*ck which is held against you twice. If that made any sense to you whatsoever, you’re probably drinking with me right now since I’m writing this from a nightclub in Washington, DC.

4) If you’re a dude and your chick starts asking you about your ambition in life, you’re on the way out. It means she thinks you have none. You have become useless to her except as a talking sex toy. And even then she might get a B.O.B. If you’re a man and have no clue what a B.O.B. is, she’s too good for you anyway.

5) If you’re a chick and your man starts asking about one of your homegirls more than he should, well he already wants to sleep with her, but now he just might do it. And she’ll probably let him because he was good enough for you, so by default, he must be alright…until he isn’t. Doesn’t matter though, you’re on the way out anyway. You might as well woosah, b*tch, because much like Sam Cooke, a change is gonna come. Except you’ll still be alive after your change. Sam? Not so much. Once again…ouch!

THE CHAMP’S LIST:

1. the usual chivalrous post-coital warm and slightly damp towel has been replaced by a box of kleenex frisbee-d at your head

2. any and every member of the opposite sex you happen to meet, from bus drivers to waitresses to your cousin’s indirectly unattractive friend to neighbors to your parole officer to the nighttime bouncer at the 24-hour wendy’s is sexier and more intriguing than your significant other

3. you start taking serious inventory of all the items (clothes, dvds, etc) in your apartment that belong to your significant other, and fantasize about the day you can sell them on craigslist your apartment will be completely rid of them

4. two words: dutch outings

5. “OHHH *insert name here*” is replaced by “dammit n-gga, you done yet?”

****

Play along with us. How do YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU know when a relationship is headed for the dumps?

—VSB

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link of the day (she has a boyfriend)

Thursday, May 8, 2008

we wont go as far as to say that every guy has had this feeling at least once, but, ummmm, every guy has had this feeling at least once.

(btw, you can never go wrong with british comedy.)


She Has A Boyfriend - Watch more free videos

—vsb

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Relationship Downfall Week: Hyundai With a Ferrari Engine

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Potential (adj.) – possible as opposed to actual; (noun) a latent excellence that may or may not be developed.

Do you know why I love women? I’ll tell you why. Women are believers at heart. Believers with breasts. Women will see black and swear that if they stare long enough, it might turn into green. See, women believe in potential.

That is so sweet.

Just like disrespect is the number one killer of black males between birth and death 18 and 35, potential is the number one killer of the hopes and dreams in a relationship.

What COULD he be?

What COULD we be?

And much like “what if Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear”, they are asinine questions.

I’ve always wondered why women were such believers in what a man could be. It’s not like they’re always proven right. It’s for this reason I’ll always think that, at our core, women are better people than men. Generally I couldn’t care less about your potential.

Actually that’s not true. I’m concerned about a woman’s potential to become patently unattractive after a few kids and genetics kick in. But I’m just shallow like that. See, my potential is more of a just-how-far-down-is-your-bottom type of thing. On the contrary, women are very much concerned with a man’s upside.

Once again, that’s so sweet.

My guess is that a lot of relationships fall apart for women at the point that they realize that the man they think can be the next CEO of a Fortune 500 company is happy as a pig in slop at his retail job selling camera’s at Best Buy. It’s kind of funny if you think about it. It’s like every man is every woman’s potential playdough. Add just the right amount of tender love and care, throw in a little common sense, and help him mature and then wham, he could go from Morris Chestnut in Boyz In The Hood (RIIIIIIIIIIIICKY!) to Morris Chestnut in The Best Man. Though chances are, he probably will never make that transition.

But oh, the possibilities. Like I said, men do it too, though when its not about what she might be in the future its more like, “she’ll give me head one day!” Though if you’re a grown ass man dating a woman who “doesn’t do that” you should probably just go kill yourself.

Mostly because she just doesn’t do it to you. They probably used to call her Jawbone. And if you are a woman who actually “doesn’t do that”, then you should be sent to Idaho and forced to shell potatoes (I know that doesn’t make sense) and eat cacti.

The bottom line here is that women tend to shoot themselves in the foot a lot dealing with man’s “potential.” If you’re entire relationship is based on what you hope your man can be, then you probably need a healthy does of reality. You also need to let your man know upfront that the person he is now isn’t exactly who you hope he is two years from now.

Or just don’t date janitors.

-PANAMA

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Relationship Downfall Week: Say Heffa Say What?

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

One of my favorite saying is this: Show me a beautiful woman, and I’ll show you a man who’s tired of f*cking her.

That statement alludes to myriad things and quite possibly unlocks the keys to the male/female universe, similar to how Kurt Cobain’s lyrics were the key to everlasting life, which is why James Earl Ray was re-hired to force him to commit suicide in 1994.

It alludes to a woman’s ability to maintain herself, usually to keep her man happy, which means that the woman is sacrificing her time and energy remaining who the man wants her to be. And as most will tell you, women are nurturers and sacrificers for the greater good of a relationship—or at least definitely moreso than men. On the other half of comma, it alludes to man’s roaming nature and inability to recognize and hold on to a good thing while he has it.

Face it, she won’t be beautiful for long. If anything, he’s tired of smurfing her way to soon. He should at least wait to be tired of smurfing her when she looks like the veggie section of the grocery store.

Men are impatient and prone to cheating. Men are unable to recognize a good thing while we have it. We don’t recognize the hard-work and sacrifice of women. Men basically suck.

And for this reason men are usually at fault when relationships go bad. If he just tried harder to do what he said he’d do or gave her a little more time and treated her like the queen that she is, she wouldn’t be the bitter bitch beauty queen that she is today.

It’s thinking like this that is just downright screwing up relationships left and right with the speed of a 2-second man. As a man growing up with three sisters, I’ve heard how much men suck and how all of their problems are rooted in some man’s inability to “just damn act right.” That’s all it takes. Just act right and all will be well.

Fiddlesticks and bullocks. Fact is that men suck. I know. I am man. Grr.

But I have to wonder why women never really take any credit for tanking the very relationships that they claim would be just fine if the man did what?

Class???

Act right.

If you let the magazines tell it, all women walk into relationships baggage-free and ready to tackle the world anew and be every woman like Chaka Khan. Truth is, many women are more like Whitney. So how come when (if) things go South it’s always the man driving the car? I actually want to know why women don’t claim ownership of any bad relationship they’ve ever been apart of.

Admittedly, men aren’t perfect and a lot of us have a lot to learn. It’s true. But how is it that women are all perfect until a man comes into the picture and kicks dirt in your sandbox. Let’s take it one step further. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again. Women are crazy. Some men just tend to expose your craziness more than others-but the crazy is there.

Yet, somehow, you only keyed his car because he didn’t act right. How in the hell does him not doing what he said he’d do justify taking out a windshield?

I’ve had a chick tell me she couldn’t get into Heaven without me by her side.

That is insane. So how come I think there’s a chick out there who would think that was sweet and that I should appreciate having that woman by my side?

Because a chick DID tell me that.

Why come she doesn’t realize that’s a reason to run?

And how come when she tells her friends that we broke up, it’s my fault that relationship tanked?

I believe it was the great philosopher Jadakiss who said it best…

…why?

-PANAMA

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Relationship Downfall Week: Well Connected.

Monday, May 5, 2008

Have it your way like Burgher King.If video killed the radio star* and Puffy invented the remix, then technology is murdering relationships. Between text messages, instant messenging, and cellphone email, it’s impossible to get space from the very people we all need space from–the people we’re sleeping with.

(And building lives with, but big whoop on that one.)

In the good ole days—ya know, before 1998—the general order of things was that you’d talk to one another a few times a day to coordinate when you’d spend time together. That is how God intended it. Now?

Hell, it’s literally possible to talk to your significant other all damn day. Which is how Satan intended since he/she believes that relationships should all die a horrible and putrid death.

How are we supposed to build strong, lasting relationships when we’re forced to talk to one another all day long because AOL decided that instant communication was a good idea? It is not a good idea. In fact it is a bad idea. One of the most vital components of a relationship is space. Everybody needs it, whether you think you do or not. In fact, if you don’t need space you are a co-dependent f*ck who makes me want to throw jacks at kittens on the freeway. And of course, space can come in different forms but space is space, nonetheless.

And how, praytell, can one get space when you spend all day talking to your significant other? What’s worse is this…how exactly do you even bring it up that perhaps all that access isn’t a good thing? I’ll go so far as to say that most women probably don’t have a problem with all that access and in some ways relish it, or at least appreciate it. I’d guess that men don’t really care one way or another…after a certain point. Sure in the beginning everybody wants to talk to eachother all the time and type sweet nothings to one another and send smiley faces of mush. But at some point, that shit gets old.

Since women believe that what you did in the beginning should be what you do throughout eternity, no matter how realistic it may or may not be, you can’t go saying stuff like, “baby, I think we talk too much during the day.” This will make no sense to woman and she might look at you as if you have three breasts when in fact you’re dating a chick who wears a lower-case “a” cup who has none at all so she’s pissed twice.

This brings up an interesting point of debate. Why is it that women want and don’t want change at the exact same time? The f*cks up with that? Mature and change into the man that you know you can be but at the same time spend as much time doing the shit you did to get her in the first place…sure it’s a loose connection and bad math on my part, but I’m sexxy so there.

sticking out tongue

PS Please go see Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Not because I so, but because I said please.

“…inside you…i want to feel myself, inside you…”

*Yeah, I totally referenced The Buggles. Very Smart Brothas are cultured like that.

-PANAMA

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thank you, officer torres

Friday, May 2, 2008

i can honestly say that “the terminal” is undoubtedly one of my favorite movies. for those unfamiliar with the plot, tom hanks plays viktor navorski, an eastern european man forced to live in JFK for six months when he is denied entry onto US soil, but can’t fly back to his native country due to a revolution. in those six months, he learns english, befriends many of the people working at the airport, begins a somewhat unrequited romance with a flight attendant played by catherine zeta-jones, and hilariously irritates the head immigration officer more and more by the day…a guy who tries to do everything legally possible to rid himself of the “navorski problem”, but fails repeatedly

yet, despite hanks’s comedic affectations, zeta-jones’s world-weary milfy sexiness, spielberg’s direction, and great performances by myraid actors, the movie solidified itself on my “top” list because of a single relatively insignificant character…a character who probably spoke less than 500 words the entire flick…

…zoe saldana’s officer torres…

…my favorite fictional love-interest of all-time. (honorable mention: nia long’s brandy from “boyz in the hood” and elastagirl from “the incredibles” )

in her mere 15-20 minutes of screen-time, saldana’s character somehow managed to exhibit pretty much every quality i’d look for in an ideal mate. compassion, intelligence, humility, romantic optimism, a tight blue uniform quirkiness…it’s like they intentionally grafted a character straight out of my conscious, a perfect personification of all of my “deal-makers”, fiction be damned.

anyway though, my question to you relatively fine folks: if you could bag (and “bag” in this instance could mean anything from “date” or “court” to “sleep with” or “imprison them in a texas ranch for 15 years“) any fictional character from any book, movie, or television series, who would it be? remember, i’m not referring to real live actors or actresses, but fictional characters that had you completely enthralled.

***oh. btw, on behalf of the team at verysmartbrothas.com, i wanted to thank everyone for helping to make our first month so successful.we’ve come a long way from those lonely shanty nights. riley and springer would definitely be proud.***

—the champ

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EB’s, the human body snatchers

Thursday, May 1, 2008

Relationships, successful ones at least, depend largely on two factors: compatibility and timing. Since compatibililty depends primiarly on personality, and since your peer group does more to influence your personality than any other entity, it makes perfect sense to do whatever it takes to extract toxic people from your life.

In a two part series, The Champ will examine two types of toxic people, evil bitch’s broad’s (EB’s) and diva dudes, letting you know exactly how to detect them, and why you should expunge them from your existence.

without further ado…

Five signs that you might be an evil bitch broad (EB)

1. You’ve physically fought another woman over a man

Read that statement very carefully though. You CAN defend your man. In fact, you SHOULD defend your man if you ever see him in distress and are in a position to provide assistance. Thing is, and let me make myself very clear with this: there are absolutely no circumstances where it’s okay to fight another woman in order to win a man’s affection. No man is worth this. Nobody. Not even me, and I’m The Champ. If it ever gets to this point, cut your losses and walk away. Any man that’s actually worth fighting for wouldn’t even let you have to fight to win his affection

2. You’re not clinically depressed, and you don’t have eclectic teeth, but you never smile.

Women with serious mental and/or emotional issues are excused from the whole “never smiling” thing. Thing is, if you’re not clinically depressed, and you still haven’t cracked a smile in public since Eriq Lasalle was still on “ER”, then you very well might be an EB.

Also, smiling is sexy. Let me repeat that just in case anybody missed it the first time. Smiling is sexy. Very. Very, very sexy. (Please pause and re-read those last three sentences)

Seriously, the champ has a borderline obsessive infatuation with crush on Jill Scott just because of her smile and the possibility that she’d make me early morning fish and grits while smiling that sexy ass smile.

(best served with post-coital grits and turkey bacon)

These are also usually the type of women who are just plain mean and nasty to everyone. Dogs, waitresses, cab drivers, cats, tree bark, mailmen, co-workers, salespeople…it doesn’t matter. They are perpetually curt and ungracious, somehow brainwashed into thinking that “meanness” equals “confidence” or “sexiness”.

Guys sometimes get fooled by these types of women because men whom they find attractive (at first) are usually the only people who don’t feel their wrath. Thing is guys, the meanness and selfishness will eventually affect you as well, for these are the women who’ll hide your car keys before you take you great aunt to her weekly dialysis appointment because you made the wrong flavor of kool-aid the night before.

3. You have ZERO female friends

The women who say things like “women are bitches…that why I only have close male friends” are probably EB’s. Seriously, somebody has to be suspect if they can go through 20+ years of their life and not be close to ANYBODY else in their peer group. EB’s tend to attract other EB’s. They can sniff out each others presence, and they run in packs like wild wolves or jaded Hispanics. If you’re one of those women who always seem to fall victim to EB’s and EB like activity, chances are, you’re an EB as well.

****Just to give you a clue of how utterly jacked up the “I hate other females” line is, imagine, women, if some guy you’re dating actually said “I’ve always got along better with women. I just can’t stand dudes at all. I can’t trust them, have nothing in common with them, and think they’re all silly“. I think the term “deal-breaker” was invented for people like that****

4. You consistently refer to yourself in the third person and it’s never tongue-in-cheek.

This also applies to people who consistently use air quotes to “express” their “thoughts” and “what they’re trying to say” “and stuff”. A-hole’s.

5. Nothing can embarrass you or make you blush.

It says a lot about a person who is never affected by others opinions or standard. No, you shouldn’t live your entire life strickly appeasing other people’s ideals of culture or normal behavior, but to be totally oblivious is a sign of EB-dom. These are the women who partake in consistently cringe-worthy behavior, yet the only people who actually cringe are the ones witnessing it.

Plus, along with smiling, blushing is sexy as well. There’s nothing more endearing than a woman who’s grounded enough to still feel a bit of modest awkwardness when given a sincere compliment.

EB’s are to be avoided at all costs by both sexes for one simple reason: they will make your life a living hell. Their negativity will eventually infect you, permeating into your personaility and emitting through your pores like a virus or the smell of fried salmon, snatching your body, making you virtually unfriendable and undateable

If you suspect that you or someone close to you may be exhibiting any of these behaviors, please contact our 21-hour hotline at contact@verysmartbrothas.com.

***coming soon, part 2: “diva dudes….the relationship jabberwockys“***

—the champ

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the EXpectation factor

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Nothing irks me more than somebody passing off incorrect knowledge as a matter-of-fact truth. (Wait, that’s a lie. Sports teams from Boston, T-Mobile’s customer care and women who sound like Remy Ma irk me a bit more, but that’s besides the point)

This practice is especially prevalent when speaking about relationships, where many people swear by opinions and theories that are more idiotic than deshawn stevenson.

nowhere else is this more evident than the “fact” that men are typically willy-nilly in regards to dating; seeing and juggling multiple chicks without a concern or care in the world….a fact which couldn’t be further from the truth. we ALWAYS date with a concern, or, better yet, expectations, while in fact…

…women are actually the ones who will date without expectations. it’s women that’ll go out with someone, happy to get a free meal and a couple mojitos in preparation for the f-buddy coming over later, immediately after her “no-expectations” date….sometimes even having the date unknowingly drop them off at the f-buddy’s house!

ladies, don’t bother denying this because i know personally that this occurs. i’ve been that f-buddy, and, admittedly, i might have been at the other end of the equation as well. this scenario, which i’ve coined TCSE (the coldest shoulder ever) is quite possibly the cruelest accepted dating practice known to man, concrete proof that all women are direct descendants of dick cheney.

On the other hand, men don’t date unless we have some type of expectation. We don’t go on “dates” just to chill because we’re bored, or just because it’s nice out and we want to turn off our ac for a couple hours cause the electric bill was too high last month, or just to model the new ken cole boots we bought last weekend with the saved ac money, for two reasons:

1. typically, we’re the one’s doing the initial approach, which basically meant that we already imagined you eating salty cucumbers while sitting bucket-naked on a furry stool had some sort of romantic expectation for you before we even knew what the hell your name was

2. money. because we’re the ones generally footing the bill (which, as p remarked yesterday, could easily crawl into the $200 range in one simple night) we have to be extremely discerning in regards to who we decide to spend money on. we’re not spending the equivalent of our cable bill in one night just to “enjoy her company“, when we could have just as easily spent that money on the bootytalk box set on a pair of j’s and the scorsese collection

Now, admittedly, our expectations are limited. Every woman that we go out of our way to invite and go out with is placed in one of two categories.

Category One: Maybe I can settle down with this woman.

Category Two: Maybe I can settle down with this woman…tonight, preferably in a bed somewhere, although the back of my truck will do for now.

That’s it.

If a woman doesn’t fit into either of these categories for us, then we’re not dating her. Ladies, on every date you’ve ever been on and will ever be on, you’ll be sitting across the table from someone trying to decide if they want to wife you or just bed you. Even if a guy seems to be “going through the motions“, he’s sitting across from you thinking “Maybe I’ll get lucky and get some tonight from whateverthehellhernameis, even with my half-assed effort“.

now please excuse me while i go watch “the departed” for the sixteenth time. yeah, i know. 16 might sound a bit excessive…but at least i know exactly what to expect

—the champ

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raised right

Monday, April 28, 2008

For many of us, the concept of chivalry died years ago, neglected so long that it ended up gaunt, emaciated, and barely recognizable, starving to death outside of a KFC because no one could spare him the big piece of chicken.

Well, the champ is here to say that we’re wrong. Chivalry isn’t dead or even dying…just in need of a bit of a makeover. An update. A reboot. A few minor tweaks and adjustments to help it combat the depraved mindsets attempting to eradicate it.

Without further ado, here’s a partial version of the champs simple guide to 21st century chivalry…what it entails and encompasses and how to make sure it always gets that elusive big piece.

1. If a woman is within 15-20 feet and approaching a door at the same time a man is, the man must always attempt to open it and let her walk through first, even if he’s coming from an awkward angle. If the women is within 20-40 feet and walking at a pace which insures that she’ll be at the same door he’s about to enter within 7-10 seconds, he can walk through the door first, but he must hold the door for her.

This is pretty non-negotiable. Plus, as an added bonus, there’s no better way of getting a really, really good clear booty peek…women always seem to switch and jiggle the hips a little extra whenever a door’s being held open for them. I think it’s some form of a primitive mating mechanism actually, with an evolutionary correlation between held doors, jiggled hips, and ovaries, but I really have no idea.

***Also, even though the man isn’t holding the door just so the woman can say “thanks” , the man does reserve the right to mutter “bitch” “witch” under his breath if the act isn’t acknowledged at all.***

2. A man can never use too many “pleases”….except in the bedroom, where it should be given the condiment treatment: only used with light sprinkles

The bedroom in itself is a paradox where the common rules of chivalry don’t exist. For instance, saying “please” during a sexual act is a bit tricky because “please” accompanies a request. Depending on his disposition, body language, and penis size, “please” could be interpreted as “a playful request lightening the mood”, “a considerate lover”, or “an annoyingly desperate dude who should just stfu and be happy that his cornball ass is getting some .

There’s basically no in-between, no gray area with this, exactly why he needs to be absolutely sure about the nature of their sexual relationship before he continues with the “pleases”. Usually in these situations, a slight nudge or forceful grab of the neck eye contact is all that’s needed to get his point across, whatever it happens to be.

3. Men should always pay for the first three dates

It doesn’t matter if the guy’s a grad student working at Starbucks dating a newly hired cpa making 80k a year, if they’re dating, the man should always cover at least the first three dates. This is a universal rule that actually benefits both parties. If she’s really into him, she won’t mind the fact that the first couple of dates have been at Borders, the cheese dog stand at the arts festival, and the sample soup counter at giant eagle. If she’s feeling him, but does mind the limited spending dates, then thats all the proof he needs that she’s an evil, money grubbing hobbyhorse not the chick for him. Its that simple. If things are going well, by number four she should offer to pay or at least provide the setting and the man should accept her offer.

lastly…

4. Don’t bullsh-t the chivalry Gods.

men, don’t break your neck to open doors for every Esther Baxter or Zoe Saldana you see but refuse to give up your seat for the slightly homely chick with the eclectic teeth on the train carrying 90 textbooks

on the same token, women should always acknowledge a chivarious act. It could be a smile or a “thank you” or a slight head nod or head an “accidental” cleavage peak…anything as long as it lets the guy know that his efforts haven’t been in vain. If you see a guy doing the doorstop thing for you, the very least you can do is make an effort to sped up your walk so it doesn’t seem like he’s standing there waiting for the seasons to change in the time it takes your inconsiderate ass to get to the door.

there you go, young grasshoppers. go on now and make the champ proud

—the champ

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If I Had One Wish…

Friday, April 25, 2008

It was only a matter of time before Ray J. made it onto Very Smart Brothas.

We here at Very Smart Brothas, Inc. believe in mass education. In fact, if we had a presidential platform to convey to the people, we’d preach a message of education for all. Hell, I even believe in responsible crime. I hate dumb criminals. That’s how dedicated to education I am…I even want the lower dregs of society to step their reading game up.

Wu-Tang and Panama are for the kids.

With that in mind, The Champ and I, decided that we’d like to open Pandora’s box a little bit today. We often find ourselves telling our friends things that we wish our boy/girlfriends would just realize in order to make our own lives better. Yes, we are indeed selfish bastards. Relish it. It is in this vein that we’ve decided to share with the world the things that we wish the opposite sex knew about us in order to make our lives and relationships more cohesive and fluid.

Because you see, fluidity is the cure for flaccidity. I can’t get it up if you keep me down.

(That’s actually not true.)

I slay me sometimes.

So without further adieu, Very Smart Brothas Presents…

THINGS WE WISH THE OTHER GENDER KNEW ABOUT US

Panama’s Wish (You Knew) List-

1) It actually does hurt when you boo. It wasn’t just a commercial. Men have feelings too and we kind of wish you’d look a little deeper at times. For instance, I’m not just the hardened killer and murderer I present myself to be on the outside, on the inside I like poetry and reading cook books.

2) The whole leaving the toilet seat up, yeah we know its not a good look, but realize that in the middle of the night (when we usually leave it up), we’re doing our best to aim straight in a sleep-induced stupor. The toilet seat? Just be glad I’m not pissing on the walls.

3) Generally speaking, you talk too much. It is what it is.

4) We couldn’t possibly care less about your shoe collection. Or clothes for that matter. In fact your fashion sense? Totally don’t see it. Especially when our shoe game is way more vicious. To hell with your pumps when I can look at and admire my Jordans.

5) We love you despite the fact that your taste in music makes me want to stab midgets AND squirrels. Truly, we only listen to you talk about how good Raheem Devaughn is because you also told us that Carl Thomas could sing. We just think you’re comedians. You know, the unfunny kind. Like Pauly Shore.

The Champ’s List -

1) we occasionally fake it too. don’t worry, it usually has nothing to do with you, its just that sometimes our pillows are a bit more desirable than your ***insert perfunctory vulgar related vagina euphemism***, and its much easier for you us if we faked it than if we just stopped in mid-stroke, pulled out, said “sorry babe, it aint happening”, and fell asleep

2) if we seriously desired that your boobs were bigger or your ass was fatter, we just find somebody with bigger boobs or a fatter ass. since we’re the ones who approached you, we were pleased with what you brought to the table before we even knew what your name was, and there’s really no need to obsess about this. if we’re with you, we love how you look.

3) if its necessary that you have to be seen when the game’s on, at least try not to be heard

4) every time you complain to us about those “bitches at work”, we lose less and less respect for you and your intelligence. seriously

5) lastly, for your own benefit, you should probably know that there’s literally nothing that you can do to make a guy who wants to stray stay. nothing. if he says his mind’s already made up, its been made up for months and he’s just now getting around to telling you.

******

So…what do you wish the other gender knew about you? Huh? Huh????

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